SingaporeMotherhood | Parenting
December 2024
Reclaiming My Light: A Mother’s Journey Through Postpartum Blindness & Clinical Depression
Today, Cassandra Nadira Lee is a thriving entrepreneur and mother of two. But for the youthful 50-year-old, getting here wasn’t smooth-sailing. While her childhood, marked by her family’s financial struggles, instilled the importance of work-life balance and holistic well-being, it was her own journey through clinical depression and postpartum blindness that truly shaped her perspectives.
Such deeply personal experiences ignited Cassandra’s passion for helping others cultivate self-awareness, build resilience, and navigate life’s complexities. This ultimately led her to establish COMB (Connecting Mind and Body), a homegrown team dynamics performance coaching company.
(See also: Having experienced Postpartum Depression, this Mum gives voice to the condition to help other new parents)
Growing Up
“What stood out for me in my growing-up years was my parents’ absence, mostly out of necessity. To make ends meet, they were always busy with their small businesses. My mother ran a neighbourhood hair salon, while my father was a wet market butcher. This meant that weekends — when most families spent time together — were their busiest days. I desired their time and attention, so I felt their business took them away from me.
While the financial situation wasn’t dire, I saw how hard my parents had to work just to make ends meet. Being very much on my own fostered a fierce independence at an early age, a strong desire to work hard to get what I wanted. With this also came tenacity and resilience.
I studied accountancy to please my mother, as she thought being a female in the accounting industry meant having an iron rice bowl. So I embarked on finding employment in that line of work. But because I enjoy being around people, this was a huge struggle. I just couldn’t see myself analysing numbers for the rest of my working life.
Turning Points
I found a job in an NGO (non-governmental organisation) and had to sign a three-year bond. But it turned out to be a very toxic working environment. When I realised that my own values were totally compromised with no way out, depression set in. I consulted a psychiatrist who put me on medication, but it did not really solve the condition.
(See also: Parental Stress, Anxiety, and Burnout: are they happening to you?)
The pivotal moment for me came in 2002. I came across a brochure for a personal development course that asked, ‘What do you really want in life? And are you living the life that you want? If not, then when?’ That was the start of my journey of self-discovery and personal development, which eventually led to where I am today.
Along the way, I met my now-husband, a Muslim three years my senior. Before we got married, I chose to embrace Islam as well. I believed that sharing the same faith and practising it together would strengthen us both as individuals and as a couple, and later as a family when we had children. My parents were supportive of my decision to convert, so the transition was smooth and a blessing for both my husband and me.
Anticipating Baby #1
My first pregnancy brought us immense joy, especially since we hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. During the early months, we were living in South Africa where my husband was working, giving us plenty of time to fully enjoy the experience and prepare for our son’s arrival. Since it was my first pregnancy, I was constantly learning and discovering new things. We anticipated and relished almost every moment of the journey with joy and happiness.
Whenever possible, my husband would accompany me to my gynaecologist appointments. We were filled with happiness every time we saw our son on the ultrasound. Watching and feeling him grow inside me was such a blissful experience.
(See also: I Dream of Gynae – How to Choose Dr Right when You’re Pregnant)
At 37 weeks, I went into labour. It lasted a whopping 23 hours because my dilation stalled at 4 cm. Determined to have a natural childbirth without an epidural, I resisted intervention. However, after 14 hours, my doctor advised me to save my energy for pushing rather than fighting the contractions. I eventually agreed and had the epidural.
Having Baby #2
My second pregnancy was much more exhausting as my older son was just over a year old. He was full of energy, constantly running around as I cared for him. In addition to being more tired than during my first pregnancy, I noticed I wasn’t gaining as much weight. I put on about 16 kg during my first pregnancy, but less this time.
Although I wasn’t keen on gaining more weight, the ultrasound showed that my baby needed to gain more to be healthy. My mom often nagged me, saying I was too picky with my food. She kept encouraging me to eat more, but my appetite just wasn’t the same.
At the end of my 33rd week, I felt a pain that was different from the contraction pains I experienced during my first labour. Later, I discovered that it was because the pain was coming from my lungs, which were affected by severe eclampsia. Since I hadn’t been diagnosed with it, my gynae allowed me to give birth naturally instead of via C-section.
(See also: True story: “I had pre-eclampsia with two pregnancies”)
Becoming Blind
I had to be induced, leading to a premature birth. The pain was intense but I was more concerned about my child, knowing that babies need at least 36 to 37 weeks in the womb for the full development of essential parts of the brain and body. My second child weighed only 1.865 kg at birth.
After nine hours of labour, I gave birth to my second son before falling asleep. Upon waking up a while later, I could hear my husband speaking to some of my friends. But when I opened my eyes, everything was pitch black. I said to them, “Hey, don’t joke. Switch on the lights!”
I was blessed to survive despite having severe eclampsia, but both my retinas detached from the optic nerves when I pushed hard during the natural birthing process. That caused the postpartum blindness, although I’m thankful it was temporary. Still, I was completely unable to see for a whole year.
Fighting Darkness
I am grateful to have lots of support during both my pregnancies and after childbirth. For my older son, the biggest challenge was that he was constantly hungry and would wake up almost every hour or two to nurse at night. But I had an abundance of breastmilk, so my mum advised me to pump and freeze it. That way, other family members could feed him while I got more rest.
The second round, on the other hand, was a nightmare. Postpartum depression, exacerbated by my blindness, hit me fully soon after birth. However, I could not dwell on it, as my husband, who’s a senior global solutions architect, had to leave for work overseas just 29 days after our child’s birth.
(See also: Postpartum Depression 101 – Beyond the Baby Blues)
So I pushed myself to focus on caring for my two sons, with help from my mother and a helper. And because I knew my mother was deeply worried about me, I never showed my emotions or fear in front of her. It was always in the night, after she had gone home, that I would cry, holding my older son in one arm and my newborn in the other.
This was a low point, especially after my husband came home for a short visit. Our toddler grew attached to his dad during the week he was in town, and thus suffered terribly from separation anxiety after he left again. My eye condition made it impossible for me to appease him while also caring for an infant.
Finding Strength
Through my many personal struggles and adversities, I strongly believe in building resilience within self. I am deeply passionate about being the catalyst for people living powerfully through increasing self-awareness and busting limiting self-beliefs. By strengthening our mindset through connecting with our bodies, emotions, and minds, we can even attain results beyond our imaginations.
It inspired me to start my learning and development business. This was about eight years ago, when my children were about 9 and 11 years old. They were both independent and attending after-school care, so I could focus on building my business during office hours.
(See also: 8 Tips on Choosing the Best Student Care Centre for Your Child)
What did become another challenge was my constant travelling to Indonesia for work. It was my turn to entrust the care of our boys to my husband, and I must say our parenting standards were different during those days, so it caused some stress and tension between us. However, after a transitional period, it became better.
The boys are now 17 and 15 years old; one is in ITE, while the other is in Secondary Three. Till today, I try my best to work when they are at school. Anyway, I feel my children can learn from me building a business, so I never hide my work from them. They learn from my coaching conversations with my clients, especially so during Covid.
Guiding Forces
Since I chose to become a Muslim as an adult, I deeply value my faith. I also wanted my children to learn about Islam from a young age. While we were living in Kuala Lumpur for a time, they learnt from an exceptional Islamic teacher who helped them understand why they should love Allah (SWT) and recognise how blessed they are, rather than simply following Islamic practices without understanding their love for our Creator.
I am very grateful that my children are eager to learn about Islam and are working towards becoming practising Muslims. As parents, we strive to be good role models by following the Islamic practices as much as we can. One of the most meaningful experiences we’ve had as a family was performing Umrah (the mini Hajj pilgrimage) together in 2018 and 2023.
With the many challenges we face in our personal and professional lives, I find it comforting that our family seeks guidance and a common direction through Islam to overcome trials and adversities.
I hope and dream that my children will be able to contribute to communities locally and in other parts of the world, especially where basic needs are not even met. I hope that they are always generous with their resources and will champion equality for those who are less fortunate.”
(See also: Breast Cancer gave Aisha Jiffry a New Lease of Life. Now she’s Helping other Women cope with theirs)
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