Would you tell your fren if the spouse is cheating?

sofia_a

New Member
I have a good fren (male) whom i have known for years. I find him to be a humourous, trustworth and a reliable fren... The kind of buddy you will call if you are in trouble. He got married to his high school sweetheart and i know her personally too, very sweet girl. Pretty too.

He is married with 3 kids and recent months, he developed a new 'habit' of going to ktvs to 'hunt'. When asked y, he said that the girls there know how to entertain a man, not necessarily for sex, but for companionship. They know wat questions to ask. He told me his wife has stopped asking "hows ur day dear" or "have u eaten dear", etc, instead she always nag at him for the smallest of things. And he told me this in confidence. Of course, as a fren i told him off and told him to change.

Becos of his 'new found habit' i find it difficult n awkward to be talking or meeting up his wife. I suspect she knows im keeping sumthing cos she has always been wanting to meet up. I declined cos it's just too awkward.

I dunno if i shud break the news to his wife.. cos for sure she will be devastated.
 


Guess you just have to put yourself in her shoes, if it was you will you prefer to know or be forever kept in the dark?
 
I wouldnt do it. What if it's just a moment of fling and he still love his wife dearly, wouldn't you be indirectly causing a family to break up? What you should do is talk to that guy instead and remind him of his wife. Maybe just remind the wife that she should pay attention to the husband.
 
Yes, I would. Imagine if your friend knows that you know abt her spouse is cheating on her, it would be a double blow for her when she finds out. 纸是包不住火 in Chinese saying, such things will be found out sooner or later. I don't want to hurt my friend n lose her trust in me. At least she will be more mentally prepared if you told her. It's better than her finding it out herself. I know the kind of shock and hurt that 1 person will experience when you found out yr spouse cheating on you. I am speaking from personal experience.

Indirectly, I would be helping my friend's spouse to carry on cheating my friend if I don't tell my friend abt it. If her spouse knows that u know abt it but didn't do anything, the more daring yr friend's spouse becomes if you know what I mean.
 
if he love the wife, he will not go for a fling.

It not us causing a breakup but helping the wife so that she will not live in lies.

if i know my friend knows my husband having affair and not telling me, i will be angry with her
 
tsk.. I hate to b in this situation. thing is, if i tell her directly, I may be at the risk of losing 2 good frens, becos both will b angry at me.. if I dun tell, I feel damn guilty.

Alexandra - maybe u r right, shud tell the hubby to stop n tell the wife to pay more attn to his needs.

moorspa - *hugs* sorry to hear that u hv had a personal exp on this matter.
 
Janey / Kim

Yes I would want to knw too if I were her.. bt nt sure if this is a good time to tell her directly since she had quit her job to b a SAHM n is nw completely depending on hubby. I think she'll feel much much more miserable.
 
I think every hubby loves their respective wife. but I think they stray becos they do not know how to internally cope or manage the issue / crisis they are facing and instead turn to 3rd parties for comfort or 'solution'.
 
I suggest you ask that guy friend of yours this question, what if his wife found out about his affair, is he ready for a divorce which involves alimony and custody of child and moving out of the house and everything that comes along? And what if the other women decide to mess his marriage? Ask him to think. Cos man usually don't think hard enough of these question until its too late.
 
sofia, depending on him now doesn't mean she have to suffer.

i feel it's wrong when u knows that the husband is having affair and we just keep quiet. It's likes condo his act.

Whether she wants to divorce him or not, she can makes a choice instead of being lied.
 
I agree. Keeping quiet knowing a betrayal is going on is like being an accomplice. Whether or not your intentions will be appreciated, do what's morally correct, not something that will bug your conscience.

I've been in this situation before (finding out my friend's bf is cheating on her) and I simply called to tell her. Turns out that she too also recently found out 'cos the other girl called her up to double check on the guy! In the end, both dumped the 2-timer!

I think it's lame for men to seek pleasures beyond marriange just because wife is no longer as loving as before marriage/kids. They should have married Hello Kitty instead 'cos it's got no mouth?? Men want wives to be smart, capable, earning etc BUT yet expect to be flattered, pandered to even when they are in the wrong?
 
Hmmmmmm, I dun really agree. I have been in this situation too.
And it happen to my best friend. His bf was kissing another girl right in front of me, and not only me, another friend of ours was with me saw it too.
I went back and told my best friend abt this and she confronted her bf, but dunno what the bf say then she believe him rather than me.
The cute thingy is, my best friend did check with our the other friend who saw it with me too, but end up she still choose to believe her bf and after that case, me n her friendship ends.
She kept away from us from then. Its very sad. Love is blind, u need to know how much ur friend is loving the guy be4 u act. Think twice!
 
Well I guess you have to let your friend learn her lesson one fine day herself. Some women choose to live in self-denial and will prefer to listen to words that sooth their minds. I'd rather 'lose' a friend than see her cheated by a two-timer. I was fully prepared that if she turns around to accuse me of being a wet-blanket etc, I'll just say, "Sorry, just doing my part as a friend." It's happened to other friends (similar matters) -- some will stay away but eventually return and our friendships are strengthened further 'cos time will tell who's the liar.
 
In fact, 2-mths after that incident, she caught him herself. Then they broke off. Now she married another man, and already had a kid. Recently she msg me in FB, just a routine conversation, but in our heart we know very well, our friendship cannot go back to be4. I always believe, when man cheats, god will let u know it eventually, its just a matter of time. So I feel that we woman, shd always have a back-up plan, regardless ur hubby is a good/bad man. U just cannot predict future. Its for emergency. In case, it sudden happens, at least we are well-prepared. I have a good friend whom received a phone call one morning at abt 4am from a china woman, saying she has already been with her husband for the past 1-yr and the next day her hubby just packed his clothes n left the house when she go work. She thought her life just ended like that, but NO, she took 2-yrs to forget him, and one day she met another who is willing to accept her and her daughter. Now they r getting married this yr, she told me, thanks to her ex-hubby, if he did not go astray, she would nvr have the chance to meet this new hubby. This new hubby is just so sweet n considerate towards her. So it become a blessing of disguised, isnt it?
 
Friends will come and go. I don't believe that covering up or helping to lie will do anyone any good. BUT must find an apt time and way to put it across.
 
It is better to let her know rather than keep her in the dark. But there is a possibility that she will choose to believe the husband than you.
 
i will hint to my friend. because u never know if ur friend already know, but choose to keep quiet n save the relationship?
 
I am in a similar situation. I know what my friend's hub is up to and hinted to her. Her reply was - why are u so suspicious? what can be wrong?

Then, she even went to tell her hubby that I am a suspicious person. As i am not really close to her, I decided not to proceed to tell her more. But I feel quite guilty not telling her the full story, cos I was quite put off by her behaviour. Dont know what rubbish her husband fed her, becos after that, she didnt even want to talk to me or reply my sms.

I hope she doesnt get HIV one day. But I think I tried..
 
Hi Ballet Rina,

One of my relative's hb is a known flirt even before marriage (two/three-timed her before) and she still insisted on marrying him to 'prove' us 'wrong'.

Well, some people have to learn to use their eyes and not let pride/emotions get the better of them! I guess some ladies are so 'smittened' with their husbands and they think having kids will cement the marriage + tie the men down?

I don't like to mince my words. Better to speak the truth than be blamed for being a silent accomplice afterwards... Up to the person to decide if she wants to be fooled I guess?
 
i also agree with ballet rina and mehui to tell friend than let her be cheated. even if friend doesn't appreciate effort, at least u didn't act as a silent bystander.
 
IF my friend is not yet married to the bf, i'll tell her and let her judge and decide for herself. If my friend is married w/o kids, i'll also tell her, let her decide, cos don want my friend to end up having kids with him, then too difficult to make any decision with kids. IF my friend is married with kids, then i need to be careful. I will test her out first, to test whether her views on such matters, whether if such thing were to happen to her, would she prefer to know or to be ignorant and be happy for the rest of her life. Cos if have kids, if her decision is not to divorce for the sake of kids, then knowing the truth will be cruel to her, she may prefer to remain ignorant and be happy with her life.
 

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