Want kids but afraid of commitments


Hi Sha Sha,
Definitely you are thinking too much.
Well, i do have concern like you before.
But since we have our girl, i feel my life is always full with happiness and excitement with my kid and hubby.
Now everyday i feel contented whenever i see my girl and hubby sleep soundly beside me.
Of course it is not easy to be FTWM and take care of kid, but trust me, you will feel it is worth!!
For financial wise, well, as long as both are working, it shouldn't be a problem since the salary ll increase yearly.
 
Hi tigerbb,

Thanks for sharing your feelings. Your message is so positive!

I'm already 30 this year and I know I love to have kids. But I'm still considering whether to TCC. I'm not a high-stress tolerant person. As I do not have a maid, sometimes the housework is already killing me on weekends, besides working FT. I think I know what you meant about that our kids will keep us going.
 
Hi ShaSha,
I'm not a high-stress tolerant person too.
In fact, i'm a hot temper, impatient and a person who get stress up easily. (Hehe, i think there is no any person as impatient and hot temper as me in the world :p)

I'm just like you, don't have maid, full time working mum and worst thing we don't have parents in law to help us.
So every weekend, i have to cook, do house work and plan for family outing and i will sometimes throw temper due to stress too. Anyway, i am trying to control my emotion too.

But luckily i have a very supportive husband, he will help me to do housework, take care of my kid while i cook etc.. so u must make sure your husband will give you a hand after baby is born.

I did think baby is a burden before i have my girl. But now i realise the thinking is really silly!! If you ask me now, i will tell you baby is a gift from god and i cant live without my girl now!

Hehe, since you are 30 yrs old now, must faster ttc oh else when u get older, u will have less energy to play with your kid.. i have my girl when i was 30 yrs old too. Only with kid, the family is complete =)
 
Hi Sha Sha and tigerbb

I am 26 this year.

As much as I am trying hard to conceive again ( had a miscarriage at 8 weeks last Sep), sometimes I also ask myself am I actually willing to forego freedom and lifestyle yet.

Its a bottled up mixed feelings for me too. When my period is late, I get excited and hopeful that I might be pregnant. But when it indeed came, I felt so extremely disappointed. Currently, I am just letting things take place naturally. Otherwise, its really an emotional roller coaster every month for me.

Having said these, like what tigerbb has shared, i still believe having a baby will be one of the most fulfilling experience ever and I pray I wont miss out on this.
 
My thinking like shasha last time.
But i oso know i will regret if i dun hv a child. So i tot just hv 1 enuff...now i hv two.!!

Of cos there will be crazy days. But life will be so boring without them.!
 
Everyone around me is pressurizing me to have kids, then I ask myself am I ready? It is a huge commitment and well I'm ultimately unsure if I'll be a good mum.
 
But sometimes by the time when you think that you are "mentally prepared", you might not be able to conceive..that was what happened to my sil, she tried for 8yrs, but still not successful
sad.gif


Pehaps let nature takes its course?

I'm also not a gd mum, but i'm trying my best
 
Frm my humble experience..

Hv when ur HUSBAND is ready. Else evthg REALLY sucks.
When the husbands shrink frm fatherhood, the sole responsibility falls onto the mother. Tatz where the stress comes frm.
 
We didnt think too much about the commitments. We like kids and figured that things will work out fine for us when one comes along. I am a FTWM with no maid, but thankfully, I hv very supportive inlaws who help us take care of the kids.

Now, we have 3 lovely kids and never have we looked back since. Sure, there were times when the kids fell ill one after another or were naughty that I felt like giving up but that was a fleeting thought which passed soon after. I feel that having children is the best commitment we made and they keep our marriage and family bond strong.

With the kids happy and healthy, and with a supportive husband, I feel contented. Even if I hv to give up my career, I will do so for the family.
 
Parenthood sucks. I hate crying whiny kids. Unfortunately that's what babies and toddlers do best! Even though I only had my child 10 years after marriage and thought I was mentally prepared, I was very traumatised by the fussy crying baby (resulting in depression), so much so that I was looking up the child adoption thread and considering giving the baby away. All your friends will paint a very rosy picture, saying how wonderful things are with a baby and normally won't tell you how terrible things are. Some people may tell you that it's only a phase and things will get better when the child grows up. That's crap, coz there will be different sets of problems at different stages! Life will never be the same with a baby as its a lifelong commitment, and well, life may not be better. Think carefully before you make a decision.
 
hi meowie,
dun give up so fast!!
Think of the 1st time yr kid called "Mummy", think of the 1st time he/she learn to stand etc, you ll realise your life is full with excitement being with yr kids!

Well, of course i did go thru the same stage with u, kids crying, cranky the whole night etc! Esp in the 1st 2 months, i nearly got depression. But once they are getting older, they will bcome more stable and less cranky.

Agree with sungrapes, if yr hubby not ready, then you will really pressure of being a mother w/o any helper. Especially for FTWM.
 
hi all,

have kids if you think you are cut out being a mum and willing to sacrifice yourself. Not everyone can be selfless and be a mother. some are not cut out being a mum, i would say dun have kids. if not your kids will suffer from neglect and everyday you scold them for no apparent reasons. And they turn to hate you. if you know you can never be a nurturing person then dont have kids.

dont do it because in laws want grandchildren or your hubby wants children. its ultimately about you. If you know you dun wan to give up your happy life now where you have all the freedom till you are at the ripe old age, then go ahead decide for yourself.

i am a mother of 1 and currently expecting twins. I do have bad days and depression but because i love children, i do not get angry with them for long when they are naughty or whiny. I am even willing to give up my career and put tat on hold till they are older.

ppl paint rosy pictures cos they are positive and see the good in their babies and toddlers even children and know they complete their lives. If you know yourself that freedom is what completes your life then dun have kids cos that will bring misery not only to yourself but to innocent kids.
 
hi all,
i've 8yrs old son & was facing the same dilemma b4.I always wanted to have two kids.But after having my son,my husband didn't wanna 2nd kid,due to the pressure of handling my son & work commitment.My inlaws oso not very helpful.

When the time he wanted the 2nd kid,we've been trying & i've had 4 miscarriages.My first miscarriage happened when I was 32y.o.

If u r the lucky one who has baby easily,pls go ahead.There r so many couples out there who hv fertility prob or unknown miscarriages reasons,want so much to hv kid but couldn't.

I regret not to hv kid earlier.
 
I guess your thinking is very very important, be positive and everything will turn out well.

Having a supportive husband is very important!! I'm really glad that I have my husband's help and support.

One will never be ready before being a mum, u will never know what to expect and what u can handle till the baby is born, all babies fuss and cry, it really depends how u handle and face them.

I gave up my job when I was pregnant at 27, having a lovely rascal now who is super cranky as I'm expecting #2, but I never regret of having him, he brought us too much joy and happiness, life changes after being parents, U can adapt well if u want to.

Good luck and do discuss with your hubby if u two are ready to handle and support one another in whatever situation, not to discuss if u two are "ready to be parents".
 
Both of you have to consider and think twice before you seriously and well prepare to enter mother/fatherhood kind of lifestyle.

To me, sad to say, when i have my #1, i felt very happy and I wanted him to have a playmate and company so we have our #2. But now, if i can rewind, i will choose to stick to 1 as my whole life change after #2 arrive. Of course I am just sharing my feelings. The commitment for two is too much difference from just having #1. Now we can no longer live the way we used to live with 2 kids and it is really taxing in every aspect. I still love my own flesh, it is just that one have to think carefully before making the decision. In fact, with 1 kid is sufficient for me and my prefer living lifestyle. At least have 1 kid. This is my own opinion.
 
Hi joleen,

Well said, I totally agree with you. No matter what happens, ultimately the children will be the victims of a broken marriage or unhappy parents. It is a lifelong responsibility being a parent and we can't back out just cos we are not happy etc.

Sha sha, pls think carefully for the sake of yrself, marriage and yr unborn child yet to be conceived.
 
hi meowie, so how are you feeling about your kids now?

i have friends who claim to have zero maternal instinsts and although some people say that they will change immediately upon giving birth, i am not sure. will they? i think it is sad to have kids and then not love them as much as other mothers will. but again, its not to say that the kids will turn out for worse compared to other kids. they mayb ecome independent and learn how to care better for others. on the contrary, kids with over-doting mothers may turn out spoilt and rude.

well, i guess we can only do so much for our children. we can only guide them till 7 years old, and continue holdign their hands. but once they reach their teenage years, you just never every know what kind of decisions they will make.

when we are pregnant, all we want is for our kids to be healthy. then when they are born healthy, we want them to be good kids, then suddenly we reach primary school and we are so focus on getting them to get good grades that maybe we neglect to teach them morals. it is so sad to see young 15 years old becoming prositutes or having no sense of morals, stealing, cyber-bullying. i really wonder how they were taught when young, and whether parents could have made a difference.

i think that is what really scares me about having kids. that despite all the love that you give them, and all that you gave up for them, it is not enough to teach them the right path in life.
 
Hi tigerbb, thanks for your encouragement. Blueswimmercrab, there are good days and bad days.

Some mummies may think I am taking my child for granted, being ungrateful to have a kid when others are trying desperately to conceive but have none. This is far from the truth as it had not been an easy journey. I had been TTCing for 7 years before I had my child. During the 7 years, been through clomid, surgery, a miscarriage and lots of tears and disappointment. Eventually gave up TTCing as I didn't want to undergo artificial reproductive techniques but suddenly conceived just when I gave up.

I lived in fear everyday during pregnancy, worried that the foetus' heartbeat will stop like the previous pregnancy. The fact that i was spotting (had to visit the gynae for hormones jabs every few days) and had gestational diabetes just made me even more fearful. So worried that I was seeing 2 gynaes concurrently right until the day I deliver. I was so stricken with fear that the gynae diagnosed me with pre natal depression. The baby was everything to me...right until the day she was born, the nightmare began.

Day 1 in the hospital, the nurse came to tell me that my bb was the loudest screamer in the entire nursery. Back home, she continued honing her screaming skills. We had 4-5 adults full time tending to her at home, and yet all of us were exhausted every single day. She had a terrifying temper. Even as a newborn, she would scream, wave her arms kick her legs when we give her her milk 1 min slower than she expected. She would become so hysterical that she refused to drink the milk even when we have already placed the bottle in her mouth. It was so difficult to get her to nap that we succumbed to th yaolan. Guess what? Life got worse. Coz she expected us to keep moving the yaolan manually, even after she has fallen asleep. The minute the yaolan stops, she screams. We tried getting the motor for the yaolan. Didn't work. She didn't like the monotonous up down motion - screams. Every night, she would wake up screaming for milk every 2 hours. She was such a difficult baby that I cried for hours everyday! There were many days that I really hated myself for bringing such a terrible creature to the world to cause pain to everyone in my family. Her screamings at night continued even when she was already 1.5 year old! Can you imagine how exhausting it was? During the day we can't rest when she's awake, can't rest when she naps (yaolan) and at night can't rest too!

The worst thing is she would bully my mom, who dotes on her like she was her life. Everyday, even as a bb, my child would be very manipulative and scream for my mom to do this and that. My mom was exhausted but continued to take care of her coz she wasn't willing to see her end up in the IFC. In the end? My mom was so physically stressed that she was hospitalised and had to undergo surgery, and I had to stop working to take care of both my mom and my child. It hurts me more than anything to see my mom like that.

My psychiatrist says every child is born with a certain temperament. It's not due to the parents doing something or not doing something, and such traits will follow them for the rest of their lives. For those with easy babies, good for you but please understand there are some others who are not that lucky. I just want to let others know that having a child is far from the rosy pictures that many friends paint from the lovely photos in FB etc. Most people will tell you the nice things, but not the shit. In fact, most of my friends didn't share with me the negative things until I started talking about them and then they would agree as they too experienced those things. If only people had shared some of these information, other parents would be better prepared mentally.

At the end of the day, having children or not is a very personal decision. And yes, a supportive husband makes a lot of difference. I'm lucky to have a very hands on husband who loves the child a lot and was willing to take over a significant portion of the work when I was seriously down with post natal depression. And yes, I wouldn't want a 2nd child to have history repeat itself. Just a personal decision.
 
In case anyone is wondering, my child is still getting ample love from everyone in the family notwithstanding her terrible temper. As a toddler, she can be extremely adorable when she wants to, often attracting a lot of attention from members of the public when she goes out with us. However, she is still a very fussy child. Nonetheless, she still gets a lot of attention from her mummy, who always thinks of her first before considering other things.
 
I agree with meowie323. People always paint a rosy picture to you, telling you not to worry and that you are thinking too much.

After I had my first child and was complaining to my friend how difficult it was, she told me she didn't dare tell me about the difficulties as she didn't think I would believe her. Even my husband would admonish me not to say anything to friends as it's not "politically correct".

It's only great if you have adequate help and an easy baby or you yourself have a very sacrificial spirit. Otherwise, it's not going to be easy. So you should first know your own character and your home situation. At least you'll be mentally prepared.

Just sharing my personal experience and 2 cents worth of opinion
 
sigh! guess motherhood is really a big scarifice! why do so many pple continue to do it. but i guess that's the sign of adulthood lah. when you willingly do something for others. haha or not so willing.
 
I personally had 2 kids..it's true there will be a lot commitments and scarifices along the way..but the laughter and joy in the house overcomes everything...
 
Lots of commitment and personal adjustment/sacrifices to be made for any major decision in life we make. All the best and hope you'll reach a decision that will be best for you/hb.
 
Love alone is not enough for kids to grow well. Discipline, routine and spending time with them etc, plays a part in helping kids to grow up and become responsible adults.

Why teenagers nowadays are more materiistic than our time ? Most of them grew up with both parents working, they buy things for their kids to make up for not spending enough time with them. What does this teach them? Parents shld spend more time with their kids instead of giving them gifts. You can't use gift to replace lost time. I hv seen it in my P1 gal's friends, they don't treasure the things they hv cos they hv too much.

No matter how difficult a kid is, you hv to teach them right cos if u don't, who will? Wait til he/she grows up and let others teach them? It is parents' responsibility to guide the children to the right path from young(esp with moral values), it'll be too late to start when they are teenagers as they hv a mind of their own. Parenting is never easy, well nothing is easy in life. There is difficulty in every stage, it's how you overcome it, that is important. Yes, parents do make a difference, but not the gifts they give to their kids to compensate for lost time.
 

Back
Top