Hi tigerbb, thanks for your encouragement. Blueswimmercrab, there are good days and bad days.
Some mummies may think I am taking my child for granted, being ungrateful to have a kid when others are trying desperately to conceive but have none. This is far from the truth as it had not been an easy journey. I had been TTCing for 7 years before I had my child. During the 7 years, been through clomid, surgery, a miscarriage and lots of tears and disappointment. Eventually gave up TTCing as I didn't want to undergo artificial reproductive techniques but suddenly conceived just when I gave up.
I lived in fear everyday during pregnancy, worried that the foetus' heartbeat will stop like the previous pregnancy. The fact that i was spotting (had to visit the gynae for hormones jabs every few days) and had gestational diabetes just made me even more fearful. So worried that I was seeing 2 gynaes concurrently right until the day I deliver. I was so stricken with fear that the gynae diagnosed me with pre natal depression. The baby was everything to me...right until the day she was born, the nightmare began.
Day 1 in the hospital, the nurse came to tell me that my bb was the loudest screamer in the entire nursery. Back home, she continued honing her screaming skills. We had 4-5 adults full time tending to her at home, and yet all of us were exhausted every single day. She had a terrifying temper. Even as a newborn, she would scream, wave her arms kick her legs when we give her her milk 1 min slower than she expected. She would become so hysterical that she refused to drink the milk even when we have already placed the bottle in her mouth. It was so difficult to get her to nap that we succumbed to th yaolan. Guess what? Life got worse. Coz she expected us to keep moving the yaolan manually, even after she has fallen asleep. The minute the yaolan stops, she screams. We tried getting the motor for the yaolan. Didn't work. She didn't like the monotonous up down motion - screams. Every night, she would wake up screaming for milk every 2 hours. She was such a difficult baby that I cried for hours everyday! There were many days that I really hated myself for bringing such a terrible creature to the world to cause pain to everyone in my family. Her screamings at night continued even when she was already 1.5 year old! Can you imagine how exhausting it was? During the day we can't rest when she's awake, can't rest when she naps (yaolan) and at night can't rest too!
The worst thing is she would bully my mom, who dotes on her like she was her life. Everyday, even as a bb, my child would be very manipulative and scream for my mom to do this and that. My mom was exhausted but continued to take care of her coz she wasn't willing to see her end up in the IFC. In the end? My mom was so physically stressed that she was hospitalised and had to undergo surgery, and I had to stop working to take care of both my mom and my child. It hurts me more than anything to see my mom like that.
My psychiatrist says every child is born with a certain temperament. It's not due to the parents doing something or not doing something, and such traits will follow them for the rest of their lives. For those with easy babies, good for you but please understand there are some others who are not that lucky. I just want to let others know that having a child is far from the rosy pictures that many friends paint from the lovely photos in FB etc. Most people will tell you the nice things, but not the shit. In fact, most of my friends didn't share with me the negative things until I started talking about them and then they would agree as they too experienced those things. If only people had shared some of these information, other parents would be better prepared mentally.
At the end of the day, having children or not is a very personal decision. And yes, a supportive husband makes a lot of difference. I'm lucky to have a very hands on husband who loves the child a lot and was willing to take over a significant portion of the work when I was seriously down with post natal depression. And yes, I wouldn't want a 2nd child to have history repeat itself. Just a personal decision.