To continue my marriage life or not ?

[ms_kaur]

Hi all, I sincerely need some positive advise here and kindly dont post negative ones if you have nothing to advise me.

I have 2 teenage sons and am 42 now. My husband ( self employed ) has always spend his evening time daily, drinking at a nearby coffeeshop with his friends who are elderly . He has never spent time with me, we dont talk unless there is a need to , doesnt bring me out and on those days that we do go out for an hour or so, he will want to go home quickly so that he can meet his friends. he is not the type to smile, or laugh. Where as I am happy type. So his routine will be daily go down, come home drunk and hit me (out of a week,i get hit at least 3 x) . Even a family vacation, means me coming home all bruised . I became skinny and developed darkish eyebags too. I also have a small business.I spent my time sitting at home,watch tv, no friends. This went on for many years .after which one of my client became my very good friend, and she told me to go out and meet other guys. Now this friend has another 2 friends,like 3 musketeers, married but have flings.

So I had a fling with a guy, a foreigner, I would spent my sundays with him , telling at home that I am going office,I started being a happy soul. Life became different. i felt that I have met a person who has breathed air into my life. Now I got exposed by my brother in law ( who was staying with me ) ,He told my hubby that I may be having an affiar, as he saw a cute message on my phone from a guy. So things became bad .My husband digged all info from my phone, he found a photo that I took with my bf. my husband sold the condo and hdb, kept all the money , i shifted to my mum house and took a PPO.

Its been 1.5 years I am staying with my mum , and till today my husband doesnt want to divorce me.he feels that being legally divorced will impact more on the kids. I feel upset that sometimes when I am out with my bF, i see someone that knows me from my husband's circle.

I cant break up with my BF ( He has been my support all this while but not financially ) and also same time, I feel like in a jail whenever I do go back to my husband's rented place to stay with my kids. My husband says that I have robbed my kids of a life. But what about those tortureous times that my husband used to hit me ,and degrade me in front of others in the family and my maids. I dont know what to do . My business has gone down , and now I am looking for a job too . I am left with nothing in my life and have to start from scratch again . I dont have friends or siblings who can advise me what to do . I am not sure if I should go back and stay with my husband cos of my kids, or stay the life I am leading now. But I cant marry my BF cos my husband doesnt want to divorce

Please help .

 

[Eppy]

Hi all, I sincerely need some positive advise here and kindly dont post negative ones if you have nothing to advise me.

I have 2 teenage sons and am 42 now. My husband ( self employed ) has always spend his evening time daily, drinking at a nearby coffeeshop with his friends who are elderly . He has never spent time with me, we dont talk unless there is a need to , doesnt bring me out and on those days that we do go out for an hour or so, he will want to go home quickly so that he can meet his friends. he is not the type to smile, or laugh. Where as I am happy type. So his routine will be daily go down, come home drunk and hit me (out of a week,i get hit at least 3 x) . Even a family vacation, means me coming home all bruised . I became skinny and developed darkish eyebags too. I also have a small business.I spent my time sitting at home,watch tv, no friends. This went on for many years .after which one of my client became my very good friend, and she told me to go out and meet other guys. Now this friend has another 2 friends,like 3 musketeers, married but have flings.

So I had a fling with a guy, a foreigner, I would spent my sundays with him , telling at home that I am going office,I started being a happy soul. Life became different. i felt that I have met a person who has breathed air into my life. Now I got exposed by my brother in law ( who was staying with me ) ,He told my hubby that I may be having an affiar, as he saw a cute message on my phone from a guy. So things became bad .My husband digged all info from my phone, he found a photo that I took with my bf. my husband sold the condo and hdb, kept all the money , i shifted to my mum house and took a PPO.

Its been 1.5 years I am staying with my mum , and till today my husband doesnt want to divorce me.he feels that being legally divorced will impact more on the kids. I feel upset that sometimes when I am out with my bF, i see someone that knows me from my husband's circle.

I cant break up with my BF ( He has been my support all this while but not financially ) and also same time, I feel like in a jail whenever I do go back to my husband's rented place to stay with my kids. My husband says that I have robbed my kids of a life. But what about those tortureous times that my husband used to hit me ,and degrade me in front of others in the family and my maids. I dont know what to do . My business has gone down , and now I am looking for a job too . I am left with nothing in my life and have to start from scratch again . I dont have friends or siblings who can advise me what to do . I am not sure if I should go back and stay with my husband cos of my kids, or stay the life I am leading now. But I cant marry my BF cos my husband doesnt want to divorce

Please help .

Just wait another 11/2 years you can file for divorce cuz separated for 3 years in total.

 

[Mongkok]

basically your family has broken up..

not significantly of u hving bf. it's more of the existence of your marriage while u stay away.

your sons are teenagers. hence they should comprehend the situation if you explain to them and answer all their queries. they hv GROWN UP. hence your duty to 'complete' the family should diminish.

I believe they witnessed those physical abuse suffered by you. hence if you have brought them up well, they will empathise why you need to leave (physically).

just leave. stay as a happier person. how many 10 years you hv left to seek happiness?

 

[ms_kaur]

Just wait another 11/2 years you can file for divorce cuz separated for 3 years in total.

I havent thought of divorcing. I feel that my husband has ripped me off a happy marriage when I had so many dreams when I married this man, He had no right to kill my feelings for him . On the other hand, I feel that where divorces happen, It may happen to the kids too in future. My kids understand what I am going through. I am at a loss. Even during the 3 years also, still must submit but he doesnt want to sign . He said if I dont claim a cent through consente divorce, he will sign.

 

[ms_kaur]

basically your family has broken up..

not significantly of u hving bf. it's more of the existence of your marriage while u stay away.

your sons are teenagers. hence they should comprehend the situation if you explain to them and answer all their queries. they hv GROWN UP. hence your duty to 'complete' the family should diminish.

I believe they witnessed those physical abuse suffered by you. hence if you have brought them up well, they will empathise why you need to leave (physically).

just leave. stay as a happier person. how many 10 years you hv left to seek happiness?

Past 1.5 years I have left, but I get depressed cos I have lost a lot of quality time with my kids, I want to see them growing up infront of me. i tried applying for a house but my credit buereu report is not good so bank refuse to give me loan . I had a credit card bill which i paid late.
Yes my older son remembers the abuse I went through . Even now when my husband is drunk he will call or voice message me , shout like a lion, and definitely even my helper can hear.

For my husband, its like i cheated him ... yes I did but he doesnt ask himself why it happened and how it happened. He had a part to play.

 

[johntan68]

Hi all, I sincerely need some positive advise here and kindly dont post negative ones if you have nothing to advise me.

I have 2 teenage sons and am 42 now. My husband ( self employed ) has always spend his evening time daily, drinking at a nearby coffeeshop with his friends who are elderly . He has never spent time with me, we dont talk unless there is a need to , doesnt bring me out and on those days that we do go out for an hour or so, he will want to go home quickly so that he can meet his friends. he is not the type to smile, or laugh. Where as I am happy type. So his routine will be daily go down, come home drunk and hit me (out of a week,i get hit at least 3 x) . Even a family vacation, means me coming home all bruised . I became skinny and developed darkish eyebags too. I also have a small business.I spent my time sitting at home,watch tv, no friends. This went on for many years .after which one of my client became my very good friend, and she told me to go out and meet other guys. Now this friend has another 2 friends,like 3 musketeers, married but have flings.

So I had a fling with a guy, a foreigner, I would spent my sundays with him , telling at home that I am going office,I started being a happy soul. Life became different. i felt that I have met a person who has breathed air into my life. Now I got exposed by my brother in law ( who was staying with me ) ,He told my hubby that I may be having an affiar, as he saw a cute message on my phone from a guy. So things became bad .My husband digged all info from my phone, he found a photo that I took with my bf. my husband sold the condo and hdb, kept all the money , i shifted to my mum house and took a PPO.

Its been 1.5 years I am staying with my mum , and till today my husband doesnt want to divorce me.he feels that being legally divorced will impact more on the kids. I feel upset that sometimes when I am out with my bF, i see someone that knows me from my husband's circle.

I cant break up with my BF ( He has been my support all this while but not financially ) and also same time, I feel like in a jail whenever I do go back to my husband's rented place to stay with my kids. My husband says that I have robbed my kids of a life. But what about those tortureous times that my husband used to hit me ,and degrade me in front of others in the family and my maids. I dont know what to do . My business has gone down , and now I am looking for a job too . I am left with nothing in my life and have to start from scratch again . I dont have friends or siblings who can advise me what to do . I am not sure if I should go back and stay with my husband cos of my kids, or stay the life I am leading now. But I cant marry my BF cos my husband doesnt want to divorce

Please help .

Hi, although I dont really encourage a break up and I always encourage talk and reconcile, i think yr case has exceeded the threshold. You should serious consider this, abusive spouse, esp physically abuse can be tricky if it get out of hand. Drinking and abuse you physically is a taboo. Pls weight the pros & cons, I'm sure you can arrive with a decision pretty quick.....

 

[Mongkok]

let me break this up for u...

u actually wanted a happy marriage w your current husband (no issue).. now u think u can tahan the abuse by moving bk inorder to be w your kids and see them grow up...

you blame him (your hub) for what u r today. you blame him for blaming you..

FYI you are already at a point of no return... factually u are having an affair... unless he (your hub) has a short memory, if not, he will trumpet to everyone on your EMA to justify his abuse on you..

now, if you stay put (at mum's plc not divorcing), you will eventually lose respect from everyone. coz u choose to victimize yourself instead of fighting.

if you move bk. yes, u will see them growing up. then you stay in a marriage, STILL having the affair while strongly justifying your EMA is caused by abuse... what kinda impression your kids would hv on u? their respect on u wil slide in no time...

hmm... not tired?

you know there are solutions. but u refuse to explore further.

'bank refuse to give u hm loan': private property? (can't b public housing since you are still married)

consider HDB. how? you know how to realize it.

"On the other hand, I feel that where divorces happen, It may happen to the kids too in future..."
- you seriously want your kids to be like you? stay put be unhappy for the rest of their life?

btw, 4yrs separation to uncontested dv. that time, you can claim what-ever (eg. alimony, etc) u want. w your 1.5yrs, you almost half way already...

 

[ms_kaur]

Hi, although I dont really encourage a break up and I always encourage talk and reconcile, i think yr case has exceeded the threshold. You should serious consider this, abusive spouse, esp physically abuse can be tricky if it get out of hand. Drinking and abuse you physically is a taboo. Pls weight the pros & cons, I'm sure you can arrive with a decision pretty quick.....

Hi John, I have always been a bad decision maker, whatever decisions I make always become a wrong choice. I dont have anyone to speak with. I am staying with my mum and sometimes she will tell me things like go and divorce, i am stupid waiting for nothing . But she dont understand that all this years, I have been tolerating mainly cos of kids .

Yes I believe in talking things out, but my husband is not that type, He will beat first then talk, I have tried my very best to be a good wife, but at the end of the day no appreciation. He will wake in the morning and say he dont remember anything . When face to face talk wasnt working out, I started to SMS him, didnt work out, then I email him, but i dont think he gives a damn.

 

[johntan68]

Hi John, I have always been a bad decision maker, whatever decisions I make always become a wrong choice. I dont have anyone to speak with. I am staying with my mum and sometimes she will tell me things like go and divorce, i am stupid waiting for nothing . But she dont understand that all this years, I have been tolerating mainly cos of kids .

Yes I believe in talking things out, but my husband is not that type, He will beat first then talk, I have tried my very best to be a good wife, but at the end of the day no appreciation. He will wake in the morning and say he dont remember anything . When face to face talk wasnt working out, I started to SMS him, didnt work out, then I email him, but i dont think he gives a damn.

Hi Kaur, I don’t think you made stupid decision. Rather I would said that you choose not to make tough decision and ended up making silly decision.
Whether you having affairs, I think this can be addressed later but for someone that use fist to solve issue, your decision is pretty clear. You don’t want your kids to grow up as violent as your hub.