Hi joyful,cherise,happyger,
i'm fr the stillbirth forum.sad to say,i also had a stillbirth.it happened in july 2008.i must tell u,wat u are feeling now is exactly the same as wat i felt.SADNESS is an understatement.it's a piercing pain no one can understand.a lot of ppl say i'm young,i can try again,i wanted to punch them in the face.i juz lost my baby at 28 wks.on top of that,i was on top of the world coz i juz came back fr australia (i went there 2 wks b4 the stillbirth) & bought a whole lot of things for my baby girl,all so cute.she was to be my 1st child,but not fated.it happened so suddenly.i was so bz at work,i didn't even realise her not moving until i met my mum in the evening & my mum asked how the baby was.i then realised she didn't move the whole day.shook my tummy & there was no movement,i knew that was it.i didn't know how i found the strength,but i drove myself to KKH & there was indeed no heartbeat.i didn't cry,but i felt a wave of pain overcome me.hubby rushed to KKH,& when i saw him,my tears flowed.thinking back,i can't imagine how calm i was.1st thing i asked the doc was,"so wat do i do fr here?".28 hrs later,i delivered a beautiful baby girl,who we have already chosen a name for.she would have been the perfect gal,a gal i've always wanted.she was to have been a lucky gal,daddy's girl.she already had a whole cupboard full of clothes,diapers,toys etc.all fr overseas some more.
i cried every night for the 1st mth,when i was doing my confinement.i found the stillbirth forum,which helped me keep my sanity.i had no support,everyone told me to be strong.some collegues told me they know i'm strong enough to make it thru' this.i couldn't rely on my hubby.i felt alone.i didn't want to show much sadness to my parents,coz i know,them seeing me like this also breaks their heart.so i kept it to myself.i have never cried so much in my life.everytime i read the forum,i cry,i sob.even reading ur posts now,i feel ur sadness,& it brings back memories of my darling girl.
doc ran a whole test on me,nothing was found except a huge blood clot in 1 of the umbilical vein.she said,"for the next preg,the moment a heartbeat is detected,u'll be on asprin & hope for the best." hearing that,i decided to change gynae.i don't want to hope for the best.i was ALL THAT CAN BE DONE to be done,& if it still happens,i'll accept that as fate.cruel fate.gynae at KKH didn't order a thrombophilia test,considering she tot it was a blood clot that caused the mishap.so i went to see Prof Mary Rauff at NUH.she's very experienced.she was 1 of my choice of gynae,but in the end,i chose KKH coz it was closer to my workplace & i felt if anything happened,i could rush there straightaway.prof rauff reckons the blood clot occurred after the birth,which made more sense to me,coz for a blood clot to totally occlude a vessel,it would have killed me 1st.
the pregnancy was smooth sailing till then.only a bit of threatened miscarriage in the 1st trimester,but it stabilised.not much morn sickness.
the worst thing? all hubby's friend's wives were preggy.the pain of having to attend 1st mth,b'day celebrations really hurt.i forced myself to go for 1,a few mths after the stillbirh coz hubby said if i didn't go,that meant i wasn't over the matter,& he won't try again.hubby's attitude for trying again was horrendous during that 1st 6 mths.i tot i could lean on him for support,but no,i was on my own.didn't understand how he could not have felt the pain i was going thru'.trying to have no.2 was very hard.hubby would be very unco-operative.he will give me attitude whenever i asked to try.he would get angry for no reason,then say i make him angry,don't want to try.i felt really frustrated.in the end,i opted to go for artificial means.i juz had 2nd IUI done today.the reason for doing iui was coz of hubby's attitude.the ironic thing is,once i've started on all these treatment,his attitude changed for the better.not sure if it's coz he finally knows wat i'm going thru with all these treatment,or he also feels the strain of trying for so long,& no news.well,if i tell him to try on the day,he doesn't want,then we have missed the chance,right?& u only get 1 chance per mth.so it's precious.
then,my cuz had a baby on my b'day.uncle so happily rang me.i didn't want to pick up the phone coz i knew wat was coming.i was hurting inside,but i didn't want to be rude.he was so happy my cuz had a baby on my b'day.i didn't even want to celebrate my b'day,but i tot,let's celebrate anyway.life is already so sad,no use making it sadder by sulking on my b'day.in the end,i told hubby to ring uncle to tell him.
sigh,life is so hard.hubby's friend's wife preg with no.2.this is his best friend some more.u know wat he did? he passed hubby ovulation kit & wants to pass me a pregnancy test kit coz he doesn't need it anymore.my friends,on the other hand,was so surprised i went to visit a friend who juz gave birth.she went thru' a lot too.had 2 miscarriages.i feel for her,so i'm indeed very happy she now has a baby.they were so caring.they asked me if i was okie when we visited her.my best friend even felt guilty coz going on & on abt her baby when we visited.these were the ppl who encouraged me all the day.
a friend who had a stillbirth told me it was going to be the most difficult time of my life,but it gets easier.gals,it's true.it's 9 mths on,it is a bit easier already.i still can 'see' the image of my little girl.i still cry when i think of her.i still flip open the album to look at her pics.and i still sob silently.the pain will never be erased,but u have ppl like me who are here to support.only we can understand how we feel.
juz a note of interest.both gynaes at KKH & NUH told me it's rare that stillbirth occurs twice.i don't believe them.i'm also in the medical field.& if u read the stillbirth forum & ask ppl who had stillbirth b4,the stillbirths all occurred at the same wks of pregnancy.esp if a reason cannot be pinned down for the stillbirth,i think it could be our bodies.i have even worked out a plan for myself.yes,paranoid.but anyone who has been thru' this will tell u the pain is too much to bear for a 2nd time.there is this monitoring machine that u can strap urself up to.i don't know if it's portable.i need to work,coz i've chalked up hefty bills trying to conceive.yah,but the 1st step is to conceive 1st.which i still haven't done.i think for preg no.2,i will start self monitoring at 24 or 25 wks.in the morn,i'll lug the machine ard,if it's possible,lug it to work.in the afternoon,go clinic to be strapped up,in the night,i think i want to stay in hospital.like that,i get discharged every night,so the hospital bills will not be so unaffordable.i cannot be waking up every now & then to check the heartbeat coz i need to rest.alternatively,i may move back to my parent's place so we can set our alarm clocks & take turns to wake up to monitor.another gynae at KKH told me he sported a drop in heartbeat of 1 of his patients who also previously had a stillbirth.it was the same wk during pregnancy.she was lucky,already 36 wks.so he delivered her.aiyoh,come to think of mine,don't know whether to be happy or sad.28 wks,can survive,but also dangerous.may also not make it.but to give the baby a chance or not? if delievered & later not make it,it's going to be even more painful.
i hope all u gals who have gone thru' wat i've gone thru' will stay strong.i made it out of the tunnel.life is slowly returning to normal.i even applied for a post grad & i got accepted.so that is some sort of distraction for me.strange as it might sound,i wished someone (my hubby preferrably) could tell me it's okie to feel sad & lend me his shoulder to cry on.but no one said it's okie to feel sad.everyone will say,be strong.it really is okie to feel sad.it's okie to cry in front of the computer.it's 9 mths on,but i'm still crying.trust me,time will lessen all pain.i've heard it fr a friend who had been thru' this.9 mths on,i'm saying this to u gals.i never tot i'll make it out of the dark,i was even afraid i'll fall into depression.but i didn't.i'm a living example of wat doesn't kill u only makes u stronger.
i'm now concentrating on ttc.which is also a frustrating journey.soemtimes,i really believe wat will be urs,will be urs.hubby asked me y it's so difficult for us to conceive,i told him it's god's way of making u treasure the child.coz for the 1st child,i faced lots of negative comments fr in laws.sis in law said i should have a boy 1st to 'ease the pressure'.sis in law is not even old! only 2 yrs older than me! she bought booties for my baby,the next day,it happened.i think she's jinxed.she got married,2 days later,my MIL passed away.when she made that comment,it made me very protective of my baby.i think baby felt unwanted.asked hubby to rub baby,sing to baby,he always say he's tired.well,for the next baby,i'm sure he/she will be more precious to us.and i will protect the next baby fr SIL/negative comments as much as possible.don't even want to see her.don't even want in laws to know i'm pregnant.
From there, I learnt how impt health is. It's very encouraging as well when I learnt that everyone of the ladies in the mc thread (since the beginning) all have a healthy baby despite the no. of mc they hv. They all my inspiration as well as I made great forum friends like woof and val who gave me alot of encouragement and tips. Both of them have healthy babies gals. 