It is depressing, having to revive this thread and touch on this painful subject. I was lurking, not posting, just googling around quietly, trying to make sense of what my husband and I had to resort to do, to a very much wanted baby.
What somehow also weighed on our minds, after grappling with our decision and learning about acceptance, is what would happen to our baby after the procedure. That is something no one likes to talk about.
As if it wasn’t awful enough that we will be leaving the hospital with empty arms. Our doctor quietly told us we had the option of leaving it to the hospital to handle the remains as biowaste or to arrange for a cremation, which we would have to handle ourselves before I was to be discharged. I was still reeling from the shock of the diagnosis and trying to process what would happen during the medical termination procedure. Never thought I’d be selecting an urn for my child. How would we be in the right frame of mind to give our baby the send off he deserved?
My Husband made a few phone calls and eventually we went with Singapore Funeral Services (Eric at 6841 4666). There are many others which can handle our particular circumstances. But we felt this company stood out and we felt most comfortable with them. They were sensitive and respectful and we felt our little one was in good hands.
The kindly nurses helped dress our little man in a little tuxedo gown and a tiny knitted hat made by hand and donated by the lovely volunteers at Angel Hearts Community (
http://www.facebook.com/AngelHearts.SG). He was sent along on his new journey dressed smartly in his Sunday best.
The undertakers came promptly and helped send him to Mandai Crematorium. You can choose to attend if you wish. After I was well enough, we both made our way to their office to select a little urn. The company kindly helped transport us to Mandai to collect his ashes and the personnel offered to take us all home. There is an option for sea scattering if you would like to do that. If you can’t decide and it is too painful to think, it is okay. You can take your time and do it at a later date when you are coping better. It is best to take some time out to consider things so that there are no regrets and you are peace with your choice.
While I know words can’t ease the pain nor make things better, I had hope this post will help others like us try to find a little comfort and maybe even a little peace during the entire process. This is not an easy topic of conversation and no one around me knew what to do with a deceased child after a medical termination especially because they are so tiny. And sadly, it is something no one likes to talk about. But that doesn’t mean we as parents can’t do something. I couldn’t find many posts on what happens after and this is what I felt I can contribute to, if there are those of you out there looking for answers like I was. I felt I didn’t have much of a choice in the end on how our baby turned out. But we could do something about this.
We don’t think we will ever be the same again. But it was important to us that I forgive him and he forgives me for making this horrible decision. Someday soon, we will find strength to begin our new normal. My heart is with everyone who has to go through this.
Would you like to talk about it here and share?