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Support group for divorcees and those undergoing divorce

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by rostrum1, Mar 23, 2017.

  1. rostrum1

    rostrum1 Member

    Hello all,

    I hope to start this thread to provide emotional support for divorcees and exchange or provide advices to those undergoing divorces.

    I have been through and still undergoing and I have went a long route spending alot of money in legal fees and I learnt it the hard way. Besides monetary losses, I was also taken on an emotional roller coaster ride suffering mild depression.

    Really hope the sisters here can share their experiences so that we can help each other out.

    Just to start the ball rolling. My divorce proceedings is already 22 months, from uncontested to contested. I hope to have a closure real soon. I have changed solictor in between as I couldn't afford the exhorbitant fees quoted by my 1st lawyer for anciliary matter hearing. I faced other issues with the jerk using the matrimonial home address to borrow from money lenders and went MIA and left me alone to face the music.

    Besides this, I am also a frequent visitor to the Family court to enforce on the maintenance for my 3 kids. Endless affidavits and submissions to look through amidst working full time. I also went to Family Service Centre to seek counselling help and financial assistance etc.

    I hope with this start of the thread, we women can help each other out!

  2. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Member

    Why was it uncontested then become contest
  3. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

    Probably one party decided halfway that they wanted more and both couldn't agree as a result
  4. Jo_Lim

    Jo_Lim Member

    Hi Rostrum1

    How did you manage to get through it?
  5. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Hi rostrum,

    Your determination and perseverance during such tough times is truly admirable. Just to share, I'll be filing for a divorce soon and looking forward to learn from you and all strong women in here.
  6. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

    Hi gooseberry, i found this article to be quite useful before you file for divorce : https://lawyersearch.com.sg/5-tips-help-find-good-divorce-lawyer-singapore/ :)
  7. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Thanx Daisy, it's a helpful resource:)
  8. ongfamy

    ongfamy Member

    Hi All,

    Would like to join the thread as I just started on my divorce procedure and I feel kind of fearful and lonely in the journey.
    I wanted to self represent but advices from ppl who have gone through themselves find it really tough to do so hence I went to a lawyer and hopefully my case won't drag too long to have a closure.
  9. Jo_Lim

    Jo_Lim Member

    Hi All

    Its definately a tough and rocky journey along the way.
    Especially when you are filled with anger, grieves and hates in your mind as well in your heart. When all these hit you, it's a mental torture and stress.
    I had been through a these.
    Am currently still waiting for my husband to agree on the terms for the spilt of my flat. Then we should be able to sign the divorce papers officially.

    I believed that as long as we hAve given ourselves a chance to forgive the spouse, have them to replent, but if they do not then it's really time for us ladies to move on.
    At leaSt we have tried so that we will not blame ourselves for not doing so in future.
    In this way, we will not move on with regrets and resentments.

    Sometimes, in life we just have to learn to let go so that we can make steps forward.
    Devasted and gooseberry like this.
  10. Dr. Tooth

    Dr. Tooth Active Member

    Why do I feel so that the ladies in this thread are all very nice people? This thread carries no sense of vengeful at all. :)

    A lady friend of mine once told me, "In career I am everything but in love relationship, I am nothing!" I hope all these events are a blessing in disguise because the better 'Next one' is on his way. :)
  11. rostrum1

    rostrum1 Member

    Mine become contested cos during mediation, the other party refused to give in anything n wanna fight for everything. So the judge say since the mediation fails, then you all go n fight it out.

    I broke down at that time but finally pick myself up n arm my lawyer with lotsa evidences. I know every point I put in my affidavit must be supported with evidences. Somehow along the way I just have all these evidences.

    But let me tell you all even then no matter how well we presented. If the man got no $, jobless all these are futile.

    I have finalised the judgement ytd n I gotten 65% of the hse. Maintenance for the 3 kids increase but I know this is useless cos it will be a monthly saga to chase after him for $ n never ending hearings at the court.

    Everyone thinks the judgement is unfair to me but somehow I jus want to move on with my life.

    My shoulders are very light after the whole proceeding is finished after a good 2 years plus.

    Next is to wait for final judgement n look for loans to refund back his cpf n trf the hse to my name.

    I heard nowadays court will orders to sell the hse and so I m lucky to be able to keep it.

    Just wanna share the monies in our cpf OA and SA and Medisave is also considered our asset. For those going on contested or foresee will contest, trf some amt out to invest in Low risk investments n trf back aft divorce finalised.
    mimicoco77 likes this.
  12. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Member

    Since he claim he doesn't have money, u could ask him to transfer his share to u and offset from maintenance.

    Mine case the cpf ordinary account n special account was never mentioned. Anyway cant ge touch
  13. Jo_Lim

    Jo_Lim Member

    May I know how does it work when it comes to the spitting if the house.
    How do they calculate that ?
  14. rostrum1

    rostrum1 Member

    Apparently they took all our OA, SA and Medisave and also the matrimonial asset n pool the assets and distribute from there.

    I guess cos he got nothing left in his savings accounts n lotsa debts, that's y all these are taken into consideration.

    For percentage they take indirect contribution into consideration too n both percentages add up n divided by 2.

    My direct contributions to the hse is only 45% and d percentage is adjusted up cos of my indirect contribution.

    End of the day the judge say, he knows the percentage given to me is not favourable but cos this man got NOTHING TO GIVE. So this is the best he can split.

    Best is to divorce with the man when he is rich or got stable job. Mine got no stable job.
  15. margret

    margret Active Member

    Since there is a a division of flat, and he claimed he have no money, lawyer could hv ask to get more percentage in lieu of his inability to give maintenance
  16. Jo_Lim

    Jo_Lim Member

    Can u guys advise me on this.

    I will be buying over the matrimonial flat from my spouse. If this is a 50-50 spilt. Do I have to pay him 50% of the current selling price of this house or will it be based on 50 percent of the purchase price of the flat?
    Also, for example if he had contributed 65 percent of his cpf in this flat. Does it meant that the full 60 percent will be return back to him?

    Our current matrimonial flat has a balance loan of only around 15K currently.

    Anyone able to advise? Thx u.
  17. rostrum1

    rostrum1 Member

    The judge does not allow us to deduct the maintenance from hse share as the judge claims that the Father must give maintenance to "bond" with kids.

    We or the lawyer can ask for the sky but ultimately the judge has the final say.


    Most likely the hse needs to go for valuation. If u are buying over then u are liable for stamp fee n for bank loan u need to pay 5% of the loan in cash.

    Mine is trf other then by way of sale n refund him part of his cpf. So in this way, all my loan can be serviced through cpf n stamp fee can be avoided.

    As Long as the word purchase appears in court order then it makes a big difference.

    If u consent to refund him back every cent of his cpf then yes u have to refund everything including interest.

    If you have kids n Long term marriage then u can contest for a bigger share of the flat.

    But contested divorce can be stressful mentally n financially so u have to consult your lawyer whether worth doing so or not.
  18. jonliveitup

    jonliveitup Member

    Lawyer fee is never gonna be as low as it seems. Consultation itself cost $500 putting aside acting as a legal representative in court.
  19. movin_on

    movin_on New Member

    This is my first post.

    I went through the divorce process and it is not yet complete. It had been tough. I wish to share.

    I though of doing it by myself because of financial constraints. I was a homemaker and I have savings but when the divorce came there was so much going through my head. I have friends and relatives who offered to recommend lawyers etc. Candidly, in those blurry days I was quite a zombie and receptive to all advice.

    I saw a few lawyers. Many seemed quick to judge what will happen. Some painted dire scenarios while some were dismissive.

    My own sister asked me to go to a well known firm. Very impressive office, and I am told that they will get results. That firm assigned a young lawyer to my case. The consult was like $400. She explained the procedures and then asked for deposit of $6K, and that the hourly rate is $600. I agreed. After a while I then realised that I keep getting emails from them, but very little interaction with the lawyer. Mainly from the staff. Meanwhile I was having all sort of questions in my head, and no one to turn to. I shared my woes with a church friend, she recommended me another lawyer, who did her own case. Sometimes the lawyer will answer my calls, mostly a staff attend to me.

    I went to see him, I was skeptical because he is a guy. I thought that he may side my ex-husband. I went to see him with my friend. The law firm was nothing fancy. The consult was free, because he said that to be fair, he may not want to take on my case if we do not fit. I was surprised, why must we "fit". It was only much later that I realised that what he meant was that the lawyer and client must work together. The consult lasted an hour, and he wished me well after that.

    I decided to change lawyer. It has been a year and we are still wrapping up the case. With hindsight, these are the good and bad of what I experienced of lawyers:

    1. a divorce lawyer must be someone who listens. however, he will also tell me straight if he thinks that I have a lousy point or if what I think is not important.

    2. your lawyer must not be afraid to give an assessment and not just a "maybe" or "depends on court".

    3. some lawyers charges by the hour. Mine does not, but he will tell me how much are my fees now. Because I am living off savings and will only get money when the house is sold, the bulk of my fees will be paid when I get money then. meanwhile he just wants a deposit to cover his court fees.

    4. do not hesitate to debate with your lawyer. communication is key. my lawyer took 6 months to give me his handphone number for emergency. I try not to text him on everything but it can be hard.

    5. it can be frustrating to try and understand the law and process. luckily my lawyer seemed patient and he gives me diagrams that he drew. that helps. Sometimes he will cut short the meeting if I break down or if he needs to have another meeting.

    I think I will stick with this one. But please shop around. A divorce is a deeply personal thing, and you need all the help that you can get.

    God bless all of you.
    staystrongalways likes this.
  20. sadliving

    sadliving Member

    Your lawyer must be very expensive. Maybe u wan to share your experience
  21. sadliving

    sadliving Member

    Jia you sister
  22. jonliveitup

    jonliveitup Member

    its not mine. Its a friend of mine, she is undergoing a divorce (fighting for full custody and ownership of her hdb)
  23. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

    thank you for the in-depth write up of your story.

    i hate how we pay so much in legal fees, yet we are still lost on what to do and we cant turn to the lawyers we hired because its always their secretary or someone else answering their calls or replying their emails. then what are we paying for?? it's our situation yet we are unsure of whats going on..

    i understand that our divorce is their livelihood.. but with such bad service how long can they last??

    and i agree with your lawyer that the initial consulation should be free. why pay hundreds to talk to them only to hire another lawyer in the end
  24. movin_on

    movin_on New Member

    Hi, DaisyCamel (cute name),

    Well, I think that it is hard to find a lawyer cos there is so much internet hype online.

    As for word of mouth, it is something that one woman's meat may be another woman's .... LOL.

    We are now at the stage of dividing assets. My lawyer did a decent job on the children issues, he got me time with the children that the father took away, and he was quite passionate about it I felt. However, there were moments when I was emotional and I can sensed his helplessness and frustrations with me. I also have my own personal frustrations with my children.

    I have to move on, but I can tell you that please do not be unsure of what your position is. The lawyer is supposed to help you with clarity on the case, and that is his job. My lawyer said that he is a mere tool, and that I must use him to get what I want. Initially I disagreed with that because I thought that he should be doing all the work. After months of working with him, I realised that what he meant was that we work together to get what I want, but I must be clear and that I must give directions to him so that he can implement. In a sense, I am captain of my ship and he drives it.

    My legal fess are not yet decided, but so far it has been a year or so and he has been withholding his fees because he knows that I am now broke and awaiting my share of the assets.

    The story continues.
  25. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

    its daisycaramel, not camel :eek: haha

    i agree with your lawyer. only you know what's best for your situation and you need to communicate that to him so he knows what you want and how to help you achieve it.

    yes. it was difficult because all i see are ads and they might not promise what they advertised... but my colleague smart enough & got her lawyer through lawyersearch .. now no need to shop around anymore :)
  26. Dr. Tooth

    Dr. Tooth Active Member

    I also agree you have a very cute name. :D
  27. 1stworldview147

    1stworldview147 New Member

    Revenge Your Ex

    Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a

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    a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into

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    when you win without lowering yourself.

    Other sites like "Get Over Her Now" give practical advice and tips for

    getting over a past relationship.

    Top Tips from Get Over Her Now:

    Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,

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    seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!
  28. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

    haha thank you
  29. anyagerger

    anyagerger New Member

    I am currently separated with my husband and have file maintenance order as once he shift out of the house he stop supporting the family and everything is now resting on my sole income. I would like to know since we are in the mediation for maintenance, does he still have the right to bring the kid out
  30. Teresa Lim

    Teresa Lim New Member

    Hi... I am thinking of divorcing however after seeking advise from my Friend (a divorcee) she recommend not to as I might not get custody of my 3 kids. And also she foresee that it will be a very tedious procedure for me as it will be a contested divorce (mil will fight for my Son). I need advise. Most important for me is my 3 kids.
  31. rostrum1

    rostrum1 Member

    Have you file for divorce?
    He still has the right to bring the kid out but of cos u can stop since nothing black n white is stated as yet.
  32. Teresa Lim

    Teresa Lim New Member

    No. I hv not file for divorce yet. I need to be sure that I will get to hv my 3 kids before I take the next step. I understand that he still can bring the kids out few times a week, I'm fine with that. Just that I will not give up the custody of my 3 kids.
  33. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    U must know what is custody n care and control. Then u will not be so worry
  34. Teresa Lim

    Teresa Lim New Member

    Hi Qianx2, can you please enlighten me?
  35. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

    hi teresa, i suggest you speak to a family lawyer so that you know your options and how you can proceed. i feel this is the best way forward to help you plan your next move
  36. rostrum1

    rostrum1 Member

    If your 3 kids are still very young, care n control will definitely goes to Mother unless you ever been abusive towards them before, or u are mentally unsound or you give up the care n control.

    Nowadays the family court hardly will pass judgement as sole custody as well unless the reason is very valid. Otherwise it will definitely be joint custody.
  37. Devasted

    Devasted New Member

    ANy good lawyers to recommend?
  38. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

  39. Devasted

    Devasted New Member

    Any specific good ones to recommend instead of searching?
  40. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

    "good" is subjective. coz some might want the best and most expensive lawyers, while others might want the cheapest.

    anyways, the lawyers there are already vetted by them so no need for u to search :)
  41. amber84

    amber84 New Member

  42. Dear all

    It's been so Long since I looked at this forum...

    It's depressing to go through this stage and after reading all these, I find that actually it wasn't so terrible for me after all...

    I look so strong and confident but deep down, it hurts too much to even cry...

    Being strong is the only choice we have...

    I considered myself blessed to arm with all these divorce and housing matters knowledge... However when things happened to yourself, i suddenly feel so lost and frightened too...

    Being married for almost 20years, this is really a disaster for me but my boys are all grown up so I shd hv less worry on custody issues...

    Despite being very sad and depressed, I do hope that I can share n give each other support.

    I have met several Lawyers and well, I decided on one who is prompt and supportive. This lawyer is not famous or what. But pricing is considered reasonable. I will be contesting my divorce.

    Do not be taken aback with lawyer who gave u scary scenarios and charges you absurd fees. You need to be firm on issues yourself.

    A lot of Lawyers advised me against contesting the divorce but I stay firm as I want a more stable lifestyle and I do not want to just accept any allegations stated in the writ of divorce.

    My divorce proceedings has just started... It's gg to be a Long and winding road ahead...
  43. DaisyCaramel

    DaisyCaramel New Member

    Hi dreamy, you mentioned that your kids are grown up so you have lesser worries on custody. I think that's an advantage you have as you will spend lesser money trying to fight for custody. Other women here are going thru a divorce with young children, so they have it worse off than you. I guess that is something good you can be thankful for :)

    And u are a very brave woman for going against the lawyer's advice and going after what you really want. not many people have that kind of courage so we support you all the way !!

    This is a tough period but it will get better and after your divorce is finalized you will look back and thank yourself for going thru all this so you can have a brighter future ahead. all the best ! we are here for you :)
  44. staystrongalways

    staystrongalways New Member

    Thanks for sharing wat u have went through
    can u share with me ur lawyer contact too?
    Might be filing for divorce soon.
  45. VenusMummy

    VenusMummy New Member

    Hi all,

    I would need recommendations for good lawyer too, preferably at reasonable cost.

    By the way, issit free for all first consultation ?
  46. rostrum1

    rostrum1 Member

    I would say 1st consultation usually free but best to ask before the appointment.
    Some Lawyers do charge for 1st consultation.
  47. mimicoco77

    mimicoco77 Member

    Hi all, I m providing a DYI consulting service only request u donate a nominal fees (yr wish) to sustain my service to feed my 3 children. PM if u wanna know talk to me on:
    1. How to look for a right lawyer base on what u need (too many taking advantage of our situation)
    2. DYI divorce proceeding
    3. Maintenance matter (it is even worth yr time), how to nego using certain gov platform
    4. Summon n affidavit drafting (chargeable as need my brain juice)
    5. Varying yr court order paper work (where to get free advise)

    Should u find my service/advise helpful, u can donate a small sum of nominal fees to me to sustain my family expenses as I hv 3 children to feed. Should u feel that my advise is not helpful n want to engage a professional help, I respect yr decision.

    Apology to hv post here. Just trying to survive n feed my 3 children as I m a single mum being sandwiched, no help being rendered but DYI everything myself including installing water heating etc n writing summon n affidavit for the sake of raising my kids.
  48. mikki_liew

    mikki_liew Member

    I feel u better leaves this to lawyer or para legal as divorce is very important, what u do decide the fate of your future.
  49. movin_on

    movin_on New Member

    Today I was hit out of the blue.

    My ex and I recently had an exchange. He tried to film me when I was angry. Suddenly, I was given a PPO application where he seeks protection from me. what a joke, he needs protection from me.

    I contacted my lawyer and was very emotional. He was rather detached and zoomed into details of the PPO application. Credit to him tho, he fixed appt for me to see him ASAP.

    Looks like another battle is coming, and I have to attend court.
    mimicoco77 likes this.
  50. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Member

    U don't need lawyer to attend ppo for u, they cant do much, save the money for other battles

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