Should I get a divorce or cont wasting my life away?

Cheryl_Y

New Member
Hi Mummies (& Daddies),

I am not sure what I should do but I feel that I should be moving on by now...

Background:
My hub & I were together for 6 years before we got married. We were blissfully married for a year+ until the arrival of his father from overseas.

Living under one roof was really a chore (2 person messing up the house & I am the only one cleaning up after them + working full time). I endured for I can't remember how long, until I could no longer take it (I am allergic to dust, dirt etc & will break out in rashes, hives.) and shifted back to my parent's place. 人会累,心也会累。

I was indeed happier at my parent's place. I was well rested. No more allergies, no more rashes. My hub visited me frequently. My career was doing great too.

Couple of months later, I found out I was pregnant but I was reluctant to let my hub know given the current situation of us living apart. But I told him after one week of internal struggle...

While pregnant, I went back to my house to stay until I decided that it was not a good environment for my pregnancy.

I get visitors that I dont know of coming over to visit without being told, all the wee hours disturbance (imagine my hub & I woke up in fright at 3am?), clanking of utensils, dirty, messy, untidy environment. All those panadol pills that I have to pop, all the rashes that I have to endure... Most of these happened when my hub was away on biz trip.

I felt disgusted tbh.
How can anyone live like that? It is my house but it became something I no longer recognize & no longer am proud of... :'(

I shifted back to my parent's place again & stayed there until I gave birth. Went back to my house during my maternity leave period and shifted back to my parent's place when I had to get back to work.

My child comes over to my parent's place on Friday nights and head back with my hub on Sunday evening. And also whenever I am on leave..

Such arrangement took a toll on our marriage. It was draining but quarrels were not needed so everything was kept under the carpet.

Fast forward, my child is turning 4 this year.

My hub and I aren't exactly talking to each other unless it is re our child. Idk what he wants, Idk what I should do. Idw us to quarrel. Haiz, it is so frustrating.

I dont think I want to go back to my house either, I will definitely be triggered, which will eventually lead to a quarrel. Haiz...

During this period, I focused on my career & travelled around the globe for biz trips until Covid19.

During CB period, my child stayed with me as I was working from home.
Now that CB is over, my child comes over during the weekends.

I have no idea what I should do.
Should I file for a divorce & move on with my life?

I can lead & manage a co & staff but I can't get my life back on track. Such irony...
 


Hi there, it sounds to me that the issue is the boundary to be drawn with staying with your father in law. Its not healthy for marriage and for your child that both of you are staying apart. Could you maybe discuss with your husband that you would like to stay with him, but not able to stay with his father? There are always options to be explored (this is also the way we think at work... Can do spirit). For example, could you put him up at a place near you guys so that he can still take care of his dad when needed? His dad can still come over for meals but stay with the landlord for sleeping arrangement. Just a thought. Don't give up k for the sake of ur kid.
 
Hi there, it sounds to me that the issue is the boundary to be drawn with staying with your father in law. Its not healthy for marriage and for your child that both of you are staying apart. Could you maybe discuss with your husband that you would like to stay with him, but not able to stay with his father? There are always options to be explored (this is also the way we think at work... Can do spirit). For example, could you put him up at a place near you guys so that he can still take care of his dad when needed? His dad can still come over for meals but stay with the landlord for sleeping arrangement. Just a thought. Don't give up k for the sake of ur kid.

Hi aquietkindofpeace,
Thank you for your reply :)

When I was preggy, my hb and I did chat about letting his dad stay at his other son's house on a rotational basis but his sis in law rejected the idea.

Hb also rejected the idea of rental as his dad is old, which I can understand...so I tried and attempted to live together with hb and fil under one roof, until jinjja cannot so I moved back to my parent's place.

Only during my confinement period, fil went to stay with relatives so that I am able to recuperate at my own house.

Besides that period, he have been staying at my house up till now.

My fil came back from overseas bcos he had disagreements with his daughter.

In fact, my hb gave my fil a sum of money (6 figure) before he left Singapore so that he could buy his own house in that country to 养老.

But my fil gave the cash to his daughter or something. I didn't probe into it so Idk the actual reason why my fil didnt manage to buy his own house in the end & cause our supposedly blissful marriage to go down the hills... Its complicated...
 
Sounds like your hb is a v filial son but at ur expenses...
how about you and your hubby set a boundary at home. Give your fil some personal space to “dirty” — a room and a bathroom (consider giving him the master bedroom). Do you think that will work?
 
have you tried communicating with your fil on this? set a boundary with him since it's your place afterall..you might also want to talk to your hb about this to see how he can compromise between his dad and your needs...better do it earlier while the marriage can still be salvaged..
 
Sounds like your hb is a v filial son but at ur expenses...
how about you and your hubby set a boundary at home. Give your fil some personal space to “dirty” — a room and a bathroom (consider giving him the master bedroom). Do you think that will work?

That's true...

Master was renovated with my walk in wardrobe as we didnt expect his dad to live with us. So, not possible either...
 
have you tried communicating with your fil on this? set a boundary with him since it's your place afterall..you might also want to talk to your hb about this to see how he can compromise between his dad and your needs...better do it earlier while the marriage can still be salvaged..

Tbh, I think he is not bothered that's why I am the one compromising. He will see it as his son's house. Besides, old habits are hard to change...
 
not sure seems problemnot in hubby it is fil so divorce should be not way forward.. you need to write down what exactly is wrong in each relationship strings u have to get overview and root cause.
 
Just find it a pity if u just give up the relationship because of your fil. Usually a filial son is a good father too..
Maybe you should really sit down with your hubby, talk about the issue and see how you both can resolve it. Seems like the only way you all can work things out is to set a boundary for your fil.. the house can change, just try not to change the feelings and commitment you both have for each other and the family.. I wish you all the best. Jiayou~
 
more over I think fil will not be happy if son get divorced considering u have a child..pls also investigate if hubby is using fil to start a new life which may be existing or he looking for one
 
more over I think fil will not be happy if son get divorced considering u have a child..pls also investigate if hubby is using fil to start a new life which may be existing or he looking for one

Tbh, fil is not bothered. Just living in his own world.
 
Tbh, I think he is not bothered that's why I am the one compromising. He will see it as his son's house. Besides, old habits are hard to change...
u can tell him that if his habits continue, this will cost his son's marriage. i believe as a parent he will not want to see his son getting divorced. i guess better to give your fil the ultimatum rather than you 2 divorce.
 
hi I think sometimes ladies need think out of box..I had a colleague who was sleeping around with prc girls stating reasons he cannot concentrate on marriage relationship due his mother blood cancer(mother did have blood cancer) also kept telling wife that he has high expenses on mother sickness but was spending on girl friends...later truth was out why all this drama was happening
 
hi I think sometimes ladies need think out of box..I had a colleague who was sleeping around with prc girls stating reasons he cannot concentrate on marriage relationship due his mother blood cancer(mother did have blood cancer) also kept telling wife that he has high expenses on mother sickness but was spending on girl friends...later truth was out why all this drama was happening
Tt’s becoz of all this asshole ard
 
Ur issue is indeed very real. Cos in laws do have an impact on family dynamics. I pray that you can have a solution to this, and also that ur hubs would be willing to work towards a solution together.
 
I think you need not confront ur fil.that should be done by your hubs, who is his son. Actually I see the issue more with ur hubs. As he is unwilling to help to broker a win win deal between you and his father. Do talk to him separately. And share with him in all honesty and calmness that you and child need a clean safe environment too. Children need physiological safety to thrive. Bouncing between two households is not a good idea unless no choice eg divorced or Foster homes.

I also wonder if u can get a helper to help clean the house daily. It might help at least with one issue. Or even do things like move to a dual key house (eg only, can also renovate hdb to be like dual key). The key is ur hubby must see the seriousness of this, that it's affecting u mentally and that has an impact on the family. If he thinks u are just being fussy, then no room for discussion.

Jia you.jia you.
 
Hi Mummies (& Daddies),

I am not sure what I should do but I feel that I should be moving on by now...

Background:
My hub & I were together for 6 years before we got married. We were blissfully married for a year+ until the arrival of his father from overseas.

Living under one roof was really a chore (2 person messing up the house & I am the only one cleaning up after them + working full time). I endured for I can't remember how long, until I could no longer take it (I am allergic to dust, dirt etc & will break out in rashes, hives.) and shifted back to my parent's place. 人会累,心也会累。

I was indeed happier at my parent's place. I was well rested. No more allergies, no more rashes. My hub visited me frequently. My career was doing great too.

Couple of months later, I found out I was pregnant but I was reluctant to let my hub know given the current situation of us living apart. But I told him after one week of internal struggle...

While pregnant, I went back to my house to stay until I decided that it was not a good environment for my pregnancy.

I get visitors that I dont know of coming over to visit without being told, all the wee hours disturbance (imagine my hub & I woke up in fright at 3am?), clanking of utensils, dirty, messy, untidy environment. All those panadol pills that I have to pop, all the rashes that I have to endure... Most of these happened when my hub was away on biz trip.

I felt disgusted tbh.
How can anyone live like that? It is my house but it became something I no longer recognize & no longer am proud of... :'(

I shifted back to my parent's place again & stayed there until I gave birth. Went back to my house during my maternity leave period and shifted back to my parent's place when I had to get back to work.

My child comes over to my parent's place on Friday nights and head back with my hub on Sunday evening. And also whenever I am on leave..

Such arrangement took a toll on our marriage. It was draining but quarrels were not needed so everything was kept under the carpet.

Fast forward, my child is turning 4 this year.

My hub and I aren't exactly talking to each other unless it is re our child. Idk what he wants, Idk what I should do. Idw us to quarrel. Haiz, it is so frustrating.

I dont think I want to go back to my house either, I will definitely be triggered, which will eventually lead to a quarrel. Haiz...

During this period, I focused on my career & travelled around the globe for biz trips until Covid19.

During CB period, my child stayed with me as I was working from home.
Now that CB is over, my child comes over during the weekends.

I have no idea what I should do.
Should I file for a divorce & move on with my life?

I can lead & manage a co & staff but I can't get my life back on track. Such irony...
[/QUOT

As read, your child is not staying w u.
Who has been taking care of the kid when he goes bk after visiting u?

U can dv. But don't end up losing kid during the process.
 
Well, it's been 4 months since you've posted it, I hope you've come up with any solution. Anyway, I agree that first of all, you should discuss the situation with your hubby. Keeping everything under the carpet is the worst thing you could do in this kind of situation.
 
I think you should start by talking to both of them and try to explain that it is hard for you to do housekeeping and having a full-time job and caring for a child. I’ve been to sinuation like yours. I married a guy, and I didn’t work, but I took care of our daughter and our house. I was exhausted because I didn’t get help from my husband. Besides, he brought to our house his mother. I think she hated me, and instead of helping me, she was constantly criticizing me and complaining about me. I had no choice but to accept this situation and continue to endure her antics to save my family. My close friend told me about great web page with prayers to help you pray, and helped to survive through these crises.
 
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