! Should i divorce with him

[tototan]

Hi Hopefaith,

the morning that we went for divorce, I was super pissed off. As we have many common friends. His mistress added pics of them together as her profile picture. And when my friend informed me, she got super happy and kept adding and changing.

I sms him, pls control your mad dog, because i dunno what else i am capable of doing. then i asked him to either deactive his account or delete her. Instead, he deleted all our common friends & all his relatives. he was left with 23 friends. He have loved her so much dat he was doing that. he say then nobody will see their updates.

throughout these few days that he was out, he said wanted to eat lunch or dinner with me, but never. as he needs to eat with his mistress. and his mistress have taken a keen interest to feed him with good food. every day, going to places to reminise the good times they had.

after some civil talks, he promised when he go back, he will deactivate his account or deactivate hers. but till now it was not done, and i am super mad becase my daughter saw the pics.

all the lovey dovey things that he said earlier, are all part of his pretence in case i come to harm to his mistress or himself. he dun need to see his children, though he cried buckets...i noe he didn't mean it...or maybe it has little meaning for him. i am 80% convinced that it was all an act.

I still cried many times yesterdae, but i told my sis & SIL that this mourning will be over v soon. I know time heals although v cliche, but true.

yoyo,
yes, have to be strong for the kids, I love and hate their father. It really not our fault..men are weak..

 

[tototan]

hopefaith,

many times, i went as a bailor for my ex's cases...many times throughout the 11 years, I also kena some of the summons because of him as I bought him a car and was paying for it.

I think our men really have these problems, going into problems with their jobs and law. and end up, having the whole family to worry for them, and get them out of trouble and not learn. I remember the times when my ex was in the lockup, I will stand outside subcourt, making calls & begging people to come down to bail him. but for now, this have became the prostitute's job. he told me she's really in love with him, and so does he, though may not be alot, but he wans to feel happy before he go in and sit, and that's not with the family he failed. but with her who still have so much of love & forgiveness for him.

 

[xsun]

tototan,
i wanna say 'congrats' to u for starting a new chapter in ur life. no matter wat, it takes alot of courage for u to finally go ahead with the divorce. life will be better for u altho it takes time and the journey will be very painful,but as the days passes, the healing will lead to recovery and one day u will walk with a bounce in ur step again.

dun take it to heart with wat the other woman is doing..i mean..wat is she? she's a prostitute! u r mre civilised, educated, than ppl like her. excuse me if i sound like im degrading her..but i am! she is a low class slut and u shd not bring urself to her level!

men! they have their brains between their legs. really! some b**** manja them only they lose ctrl and throw away evthg meaningful to them,including wife,kids,kinship! these type of man, forget it! u r better off without him, stand aside and watch them suffer, witness hw a relationship based on sex can sustain..the woman is out for $$, when the man got no mre $$, see whether she can survive on orgasms anot! nw u officially pass all ur sufferings to the prostitute..c hw long she gonna last. one fine day, she realise wat deep shit she's in, she will run away and then ur ex will be left with NOTHING!

the mre i type the angrier i am..i really dun understand wat all these men r doing!!

 

[yoyokomama]

Tototan,

Pls stay strong... I know ur frustration n disappointment.. It really the worst pain to see our men having an affair...n their hearts are no longer w us..

I guess when we knows when's the limit that we can go.. And when we finally realised that we needs to put an end to everything.. You are right. It's the courage to step out.

I felt that I m lacking of the courage to leave him or and partly becos it pain that I had suffered at yet to reach my limit... And that is why you are so hurt nw.. That's becos by the time u realised you should put a stop u are already bruised all over...I believed this scares would stay in us forever... We can't forget by probably forgive one day..

I hv met up w my best fren last night to share my sorrow...and I cried few times at the teahouse..now that I m
Still struggling I'm the marriage not knowing whether how it would ended up one day. I really hope that I could hv the courage to put a full stop in getting hurt further...

Wt I can think of now is that should he hurt me again, I would suggest to hv a short separation to see how I wanna move on... And whether I can survive emotionally w/o him..n hv the courage to put things to the end..

I hope you are feeling better after a big cry yesterday... Don't forget that you still hv ur family n wonderful kids that are also ur pillars in life. I could see that u are a strong mummy.. Stay on there ok... I feel that u are doing a great job!

And this goes the same for hope faint! jia you mummies!!

 

[bretrayed]

tototan, his judgment days will come. don't worry.

he will regret and ask to come back when that pro ditch him.

u really made a good decision instead of being dragged into his shit. At least u wake up to his nonsense. My blessing to u and your children

 

[sharon_ang]

tototan, i respect u for what u had done. although u love him, but you were not blinded by love and wakes up to it and give your children a better lives.

JIA YOU

 

[hope_faith]

Tototan, really must jia you.. The worst is now over. U finally walked out of ur misery. I'm sure the days to come will still b painful, but u r rite, the mourning will end one fine day.

Thks for sharing ur experiences with me. It really is a wake-up call and a reminder for me. Hb came & see me the nite he was released, told me he's really sorry. He told me he may nt come to labour with us, & for me to take care of baby. He asked me to bring baby to see him in prison, blah...

I was quite taken in by his ptitful act. I sat dere listened to his words & watched him cried.. He was drunk & then vomited. He requested tt I answered his calls. I jus said ok at that point.. Had wanted to help him get thru this period, cos he seem suicidal. But I forgot this kind of coward person will not seek death lah! And I forgot he can seek comfort fr his mistress wat! Shld nvr forget this..

Actually I feel things may nt be so bad, he might just get bailed out fr this shit once again. His parents & family will see tt he get out of this, in one piece. I noe they will do anythg to help him!

He keep saying he will come and meet me, on sat & tdy but in the end, didn't. I was silly to actually believe his words and actually looked forward to meeting him. Then I was left feeling disappointed and sad. But i woke up very quickly, remembering wat kind of man he is.

Its my own fault. I shld hv never let myself b hurt by him again. Anyway, I am prepared to continue my life wih my baby, without him. So whether he go to jail or not, he is not gg to take up his responsiblities as a daddy to my baby.. So no much difference lah.

 

[tototan]

dear mummies,
thanks for all the encouragement...

fri: 1 cried a couple of times...still feel like shit...asked him...: why can't you juz be a normal guy..
he asked if monday can ask me & kids out for dinner because his exboss mite lend him car...i kept quiet..then he say we'll keep in touch and see how it goes..
when he go court on 25th, ask me if i am going..and also say he will still put me as next of kin, and i can go changi to visit him, bring him books....I also gotten swayed a little..

sat: no calls or sms from him..i dun miss him at all..can only remember the rubbish he did to me...but no longer think about the sweet stuff...even if i think..it seemed "distant" & fake

sun: he's really a loser..


Hopefaith,
my actual mourning lasted shorter than i thought...not that i am void of feelings...

i loved him to bits to have married him against all odds, forgave him 4 times caught and believe him everytime he say he will repent. bear with his debts, help him find means to settle, bear wif his gambling, drinking habits, and he borrowed sooooo much from my frens with no intention of returning till most of them left me eventually. I still held on to dead log...
I have cried every 2-3 months because he will do something to crush me...like stealing my ATM card to go RWS, or women calling from china saying they haf his kid, why am i still hankering after him. Nice people warned me, but i took them as insult and chose to close both eyes...

my advise, dun fear of the future..its not as bleak. I was afraid of being lonely, and I still am..but I think its worse when you set yourself up to be a spare tyre for someone who dun even actually care for you.

I know i will be struggling in the road ahead...but at least i know i am not taken as a fool, because i have struggled for the past 11 years for a guy who so readily can be detached from me & his very own kids.

do not be conned...& your life will be BRIGHT ahead!

 

[yoyokomama]

Hi mummies,

I need ur support too.... My life is like he'll too now... My husband finally owns up about his affair... I had told him tt I need time to cool down to think wts best for me now.. But I m pretty sure that divorce would b my choice.. A 12 yrs relationship are just so figile ....

I kw he hope to keep the relationship.. But it has become meaningless to me now..my eyes are so swollen nw... How m I going to work tommorrow??? Wt should I do now... All I can do now is too think of my gal welfare... She's just 2 yrs old.. I really feel sorry that I couldn't give her a complete family..

 

[tototan]

yoyo,
did he explain for his actions? have he been a responsible dad?

my youngest is only 17 months...but i am the most glad for him, coz he hardly know his dad...the older they get..the more hurt they will be...my daughter had a hard time adjusting to P1..and handling the mess at home.

if you rationalised, kids with 1 parent whose dead turn out quite normal, only kids who witness divorce may turn out dysfunctional. my lil son do not haf to deal with heartache...

but if you plan to give him another chance, go for counselling & really work at findg out the problem. He muz be most truthful & worked the hardest to want the change..

end of it, we must all know that we tried our best...then we walked off without guilt.

 

[panda1]

Hi all

Kindda sad to read all the posts here. And guess those who are here faced the same situations with our men...affairs!

Hope faith - i was in your situation 3 yrs ago...pregnant and found out abt my hubsand's affair with his colleague (now that girl has quitted and she is a singaporean!) this bitch has actually liked my husband before we got married (no wonder our r/s rocked 4-5mths before our wedding).....but their affair started after i got pregnant abt 5mths after wedding. She has been very persistent in "courting" my hubsand (even after wedding) that there are rumors of both of them in office.

But he told me that its always one-way traffic only, he knws where his line is...every week (at least 2-3days), he will say go out bowling and come home late (like 2-3hrs after closing time of the alley)...unaccountable hrs...he will tell me all sorts of excuses...until i saw some messages he sent to her via FB private message and i realised that it is no longer one-way traffic...but 2-ways liao....

Thereafter i saw more tings like his smses to her when we were in BKK holidays, calling her mushy name - honey/darling, and said he misses her very much...does she miss him? But till now he never admits anything...

For the sake of our marriage, i tried to be calm to protect my bb (inside my tummy)....even on our child's 1st mth celebration, that bitch still smsed him does he manage to take a rest? and after one hr she smsed him again saying...guess u must be busy to have time to miss me etc....

At 1st i kept quiet to myself...then after confinement i decided to tell my MIL abt his son...

sorry, very long message, will continue later as i need to attend meeting now...

 

[tototan]

hello mummies,

how's everyone?? Hopefaith, never hear from you..are things OK??

 

[hope_faith]

Hi Tototan, how r u & kiddos doing? He went in already?

I'm doing okay, it's the final leg of my pregnancy. Really need to get ready BB stuff, hospital bag, etc. Was kinda busy of my hb too..

Tt man always remember me in times of trouble. Last wed, he requested my help with a legal report he had to submit to his lawyer-kept me up till ard 4am. I helped him finished his report at 24hrs mac. Then sat, he asked me out to go shopping for bb stuffs. We even caught a show. On sun, he asked me out for supper but I'm too tired to entertain him le.. On mon, he requested my help to accompany him go meet his agent to talk abt his pub tenancy.

U mus b wondering y I bother to all this with him. I oso wonder y I'm helping after all tt he's done.. But I realised I didn't want to leave him in lurch, can't do to him wat he did to me. He is broke, he takes buses & mrt nw. I gave him sm money each time I see him-ranging fr 30-80bucks. Felt sad tt he is in this state. Besides the pub overheads, he oso hv loans to repay. Now oso facing this charges on illegal operation of pub. He seem really sucidal..

I can't loan him money & I do nt hv anyway. But I'm jus answering his calls & replying to his SMS, jus help him out in small ways I can. He seem happy to touch my ballooned belly & he talks abt BB happily.. I jus let him be.

Dun really noe wat to do with him nw. I'm feeling kinda indifferent at times but I only get emotional at times bcos he kept talking abt our past and happy times.. It's like he jus wan to make up for his guilt b4 he's gone (either he's planning his escape or he think he's gg jail or he's planning his death)..

I'm nt keen to continue contacts with him actually, I kept remembering wat he did. But it seem like a human thing to do, just help him in areas, not at the expenses of myself & BB, esp whr money is concerned..

I kept remembring he's got his mistress to comfort him so I dub initiate calls. I jus answer when he does call. I am still concern abt him, tts y I continue to talk to him. But I'm quite determined to leave him. He kept smsing tt he will always love me & bb. How I wish I can still believe his words.

I asked him over makan tt day how he's gg to afford our legal fees nw, I told him I still wan go thru, as usual he jus said to talk abt this later..

Last nite he text me smthing abt him being excited abt the arrival of BB.. How he will always b here for us, blah, blah.. I kept seeing these words but can't feel much.. Mayb god is guiding me to take the right path.

Let me continue to help a fellow human being in ways I can & let me hv the courage to standby my decision to leave him too.

Must remember he already left us months ago, so I really am very sure I want to get well and be strong for my BB who is coming v soon! I will nt harbour any tots of getting bac togther with him.

 

[yoyokomama]

Hope faith,

I can totally understand ur thinking.. I feel that we thinks alike.. The reasons why u r doing so much for him is becos u still loves him. I guess u r a forgiving person.. You are able to put the hates aside n come miles to help him.

When I recently found out abt his affair.. I was v hurt.. I request he accept my request for divorce .. Stop seeing us.. N i will tell our gal tt he is dead cos shes still young, i doesnt wan her to b affect when to get to realised our divorce at later age. Pay for divorce fee n pay my gal maintainence. He agreed at 1st but changed his mind later..

He was suicidal n he doesn't wan to divorce n he hope to win bk my heart.. I don't think I can't accept becos this is NT the 1st time.. Becos if us his mom also feeling v upset.. N she had begged me many times to forgive him.. But I don't think I cam overcome them. Nw I m trying to seek help from FSC becos I wanna help him ..

Now I hv to take things step by step in order not to stress him up.. Looking at both our situation I wonder why must we need to still answer to their needs n prob when we r the one who r hurt at the 1st place..Nw my focus to to see hw best I can b a good mother without him.

Ur situation is v challenging becos u are Preg now..
I understand why u wanna help him just like how I wanna help my husband walk out of the stress n suicidal tots.

But as u r heavily Preg now u must try to make priority for ur bb n u. Nw tt ur bb is inside.. U may hv less to consider. But once she or he is out.. It's not going to b easy. I m not too sure how supportive his family or ur family are. But I would say we r the best person to overcome our prob.

Don't try to carry too much responsibility under ur shouder .. If u can seek help find one.. I believed u wanna give birth to a happy bb... N you don't wanna see urself getting depression after giving birth.. Trust me it not going to b as easy after ur bb is born n you need to continue to support his needs.

 

[tototan]

Hi Hopefaith,

reading your story as though i wrote it...hb asked for me to help him find documents that will prove that he's heavily in debt and is very poor thing..

we had dinner together..but wif agenda of passing him stuff lor...if not he wun come look for me also..

his case will be mention again much later...like 2-3 months away...

about your hb..i understand he's broke...but if so broke you give him $50- $80..part of it will also go to buying food for the mistress what...you should save up..or buy more clothes for baby...


yoyo, hopefaith
I dunno, i got a feeling that all these suicidal feelings are fake...i mean i can also tell people i am suicidal what...so that many will come to my help...it will probably be very convincing...love + money will sure come...

if they felt so bad about it...they wun be still hanging on to the other party yeah...the male frens told me..very simple..its juz pulling your strings..at the outside, we looked like we haf control over the whole situations...but end up..they will say things to make you feel like caring, concern for them..sway you in their drama..

my one even till yesterdae, from the question he ask...still v into himself...
he asked me..if #2 got mention him..
i say never,
then he asked me my work how...
i replied..no good...
he say : still affected ar? I think he meant that I am still emotionally affected by him..dats why i cannot focus...
i told him..nope...business no good..
he say..but you not affected whether biz good or bad what..
i say: of coz i do...it affects my perfomance appraisal..

moral of the story..he needs to feel people are affected by him..love & concern about him...but how hurt were you..is not in the question..

 

[yoyokomama]

Tototan,

Yes I kinda agree w you too.. Their guiltiness are v short term.. He has been contacting me everyday.. Either through SMS or call..Yest I was feeling down..cos I find it a struggle staying in touch so frenquently.. So i sms him told him not to contact me so frequent n i will learn to take care of myself well without him.

When he saw my SMS he called..and ask .. He ask if he had irritate me or I dislike him to call often.. I really not sure how to ans him...

through the call I felt tt he is feeling better .. No sign of suicidal.. Then he told me not to think too much...

Very similar to wt ur hub said: still bothering you ah.. Mayb thats the different between man n woman.. We think by our hearts n feelings but they think by wt their mind tells them to do... Then after tt I doesn't wanna talk much n claimed tt I wanna sleep. After we put down the phone he SMS says he will take care of me forever...I was quite ok n positive last few days.. Firm of wt I want.. Determine on my direction.. I think I was too emo yest like going through roller coaster again...cry n cry.. N I felt like asking him why he needs to hurt me much..when I loves him so much.. Think all the neg blamings starts again.. Guess I just too emo lor..

I hope we can stay strong and overcome the this difficult moment of our life...I m glad to know you n hope faith here where we share similar prob...n hope tt we can support one another through our prob.

 

[yokine3a]

So sad to hear all the unhappy stories here... really hope you ladies stay strong & pull thru it..

 

[hope_faith]

Hi tototan, yoyo & all mummies!
I'm happy to share tt Ive officially joined the mummies' club! My bb girl safely arrived last fri alittle early than EDD..

My hubby was with me when my waterbag broke & he went into labour with us. I was grateful he's there & at the same time, felt sad abt our situation.

 

[xsun]

ohhhh... congrats hope faith!!

finally some good news in this thread.

maybe ur hb will have chg of heart after witnessing ur labour of love.

now best to concentrate on recovery and taking care of bb..dun worry too much abt other thgs.

 

[ahpeng]

Congrats hope! So sad reading thru d posts... But very happy your bb is born Liao! Take care n try to rest as much as u can. Confinement will leave a woman stronger or weaker. God blest!

 

[yoyokomama]

Hope faith,

It's great to hear that you n bb are doing fine.. Do take care during confinement n not stress ourself too much ya. Just see wt you think best for you n bb. Do keep us posted on your status ya.. Congrats on ur newborn!!! 

 

[tototan]

HopeFaith!!...

congrats & well done!! pls have a good confinement...I am glad to hear you feeling chirpy!...dun be sad ok...focus on your newborn...she cannot do without you....give her your love..

 

[spideyspice]

Hi mummies,
i wud appreciate it very much if you could recommend a good PI. thanks!

 

[forgetfull]

if u are interested, email me at [email protected] i know of a reliable and experience PI who I had use his service before.

 

[bbte]

i'm so angry reading all these..

brings to mind a blog posted a few months back. it was all over facebook.

this property agent guy is so arrogant, shows his mistress by ferrying her around in his convertible hood down. and when wife discovered his affair, he refuses to grant her separation. his young mistress is a ocbc mortgage loan banker who already has a boyfriend.
what's with young girls these days? so cheap!!
i want to slap them both.

the post:
http://www.scarletscandals.com/2011/04/dear-des/

 

[yoyokomama]

Tototan,

I am thinking of finding out more on divorce procedures. Saw the following

You will be granted a divorce only if a Judge of the Family Court agrees that your marriage has ended. In legal language, the Judge must find that your marriage has irretrievably broken down. This is set out at section 95 of the Women’s Charter.

To prove that your marriage has ended, you must show the Court that one or more of the following facts is true:
• that your spouse has committed adultery, and you find it intolerable to live with him or her
• that your spouse has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to live with him or her
• that your spouse has deserted you for at least two years
• if your spouse agrees to the divorce, that you and your spouse have been separated for at least three years
• if your spouse does not agree to the divorce, that you and your spouse have been separated for at least four years.

I wonder which one would applys to my case leh.. How long does it take u to process urs? Does it meant if both parties r agreeable to the divorce, we can divorce straight?

Hope faith,

How r you coping w your bb?

 

[mr_elmo]

I hope you ladies are all ok. This might not be the best place for a mister like me to show up after how some men have messed up your lives by the stories that are told before. While I do not usually post, I would like to caution that men who only look for their other halves when they have a certain need(such as cash or other help) are no different from the many PRC ladies who are here to snare the men. May not be true in all cases but I just want to highlight that such possibilities exist. If you have nothing to offer in terms of help, how likely is that offending spouse coming back, where there is another woman at his side? Just something to think about that I hope would strengthen your resolve when the time calls for it.

I wish everyone well,and perhaps all of you should start a support group somewhere, maybe facebook so that you can find strength in numbers. Not that I wish that this group prosper (that's a bad thing), but rather that through sticking it out together, the life forward becomes more positive and meaningful, especially for your children going forward.

Take care.

 

[beatrice_chua]

move on..just remind him for your baby money..its better to have a divorce.. there's a lot of guys in the sea..be pretty..

 

[xsun]

Hope faith,
Just dropping a note here to send u my regards.

Hope u r well n happy.
God bless.

 

[hope_faith]

Hi everyone!
How's everyone doing? Hey tototan, how r u and ur kiddos? Hey yoyokomama, how r u?

Thank u very much for all ur well wishes and concern! It is really quite amazing the warmth I can feel, just by reading all ur posts - kind words of encouragement and sincere well wishes

Hey Sungrapes, me and bb are doing fine! I'm so enjoying my moments with her, she truely is the most wonderful thing tt had happened to me, the best gift for me and hb. When r u due? Do take good care too ya.

Am kinda busy and tired learning how to care for my bb. Moved bac to my mum's place, I basically take care of her on my own as my mum oso babysit other children.

I still hv my sad moments. Still cry sometimes when I feel down. Just felt sad that me and bb are living our life without her dad. We moved fr hse to hse, trying to find a nanny, made my family very worried for me. But I'm very blessed to hv my family, supporting me all these while.

My hb was there during delivery. He came to hospital evryday, stayed at the hospital with me. He came to visit BB often. My family ask me if we r getting back together and so I finally asked one day if he plans to continue being a stay-away dad to our BB, and he didn't say anythg. Once again, I figure out his thoughts and decisions on my own, and so I told him we will stick to the plan, we will hv our paperwork done next year once we r married for 3years. Still feel sad tt we hv come to the end of the road, esp feel sad for my BB.

I told him if this is the plan, he shouldn't come so often and whenever he feels like it. He hasn't been contributing so far, not in term of financial or physical care. He just got his job back, he said he will contribute in the future once he settle his debts. I dunno if I wan blame him for being selfish, I decided to just let him be. I dun find myself hating him much too. Just feel sad tt we ended our story this way. I wish him the best, and am happy for him if he is finally living the life he wants.

He continue to say tt he will take care if me and BB, protect us. He say he will always love us, etc. But after all these painful months, I finally find the strength to wake up my ideas.

I had stopped answering his calls for a week now. I hv decided that I want him out of my life. I will now focus on taking care of my little one, face the cruel reality head-on. Now I think, losing my hb is painful but it is really not the end of the world. I now hv more time to care for my bb, caring for my own family, do thgs that I enjoy, and I do not hv to trouble myself with his family's issues.

As I read thru our previous posts, I didn't cry like I used to, but I am feeling more calm and more at peace now. Really dunno wat tmr will bring, so I hope all of us who hv been holding on for so long, can continue to be strong. I read somewhr, "life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so we must strive to be happy, love those who treat us right and forget abt those who do not..."

Pls keep well, all u lovely ladies

 

[hope_faith]

Dear ladies,
I really want to let all of u know tt I am very grateful to hv stumbled on this thread and found support and genuine care on the net!

There are many thgs I couldn't tell my family, esp my real feelings becos I do not want them to be worry for me. But I can speak my mind here. Hving this outlet really did help me so much..

So, thank you very much for all ur support here! I really might consider mr elmo's suggestion, start a support group smwhr

 

[xsun]

Hello hope faith,
So glad to hear frm u again and u sound so positive and upbeat.! So happy u are enjoying motherhood. Was afraid that u might be affected by post natal blues esp when before delivery u were facing such a lousy situation.

Well,I suppose u are one of those who grow stronger
when faced with challenges instead of getting deeper into
despair. Good for u!

For me, I delivered my bb boy in aug, so nw still stuck in confinement, another wk to go. Had abit of bb blues but nw slowly getting over it, thks to support from the mummies in the aug thread. And of course, my gang of frends and family members. And biggest credit to God, he truly provided for me
in ways I couldnt imagine possible.

To witness hw u have rise up inspires me.
I always knew u are strong.
I wish u all the best.
Hope to hear frm u once awhile.?
God bless!

 

[xsun]

Oh! And I wanna say that this thread will always be alive for those who need to vent and for those who needs support.

I also have found a lot of support from this forum for various matters thru out my journey in motherhood.

 

[totallylost]

Divorce? Should I or should I not?

Husband takes care of family & kid but we have since grown distant. We have been married for > 10 years. He thinks I am no longer the sweet girl he married and each cold war (always initiated by him) breaks out 'cos he has a "noble" task of turning me into a better lovable person.

The cold wars are getting so frequent that I am so numb. We "talk" but it's always one way 'cos he is bent on his way as the best way. He's getting more and more sensitive and harder & harder to contain his anger. He shouts or scolds me in front of kid (my heart breaks when my kid said see u made him angry again). He bars me from TV, internet access, car etc - said all these were his.

I no longer can speak to him freely 'cos I do not know when he will turn black face and go into cold war again. I am so sick of initiating reconciliation every time. He knows that I have no one to turn to. I can cool down again and suck up to him but i know the cycle will repeat itself soon (for small useless matters) and i am really so so tired.

I feel like I am the only one who is keen in working on the marriage and it's just a matter of THE trigger that i would call it all quits. He's aggravating it more each day by whistling to show he doesnt care and slams/hits stuffs to demonstrate his displeasure. I dont know how to talk and behave now and feels so pathetic to "talk" in forums like this.

 

[xsun]

Lost,
Many have found courage and solace in this forum. Who else can we 'talk' to when we r faced with troubles like this. Family, frends? They can only listen and help so much, at the end of the day, it's up to us to solve the problem. But look thru the posts..so many of us have the same question as u..divorce or not?

Is it really so easy? Divorce? Just pack and leave?
What abt the kids? A place to live? Picking up the pieces?
Healing the heartbreak? Regaining ctrl of ur life..and finally, will we ever be happy again? The vulnerability of a new lifestyle..starting over.

Many times, we choose the easy way out.. Suffer in silence and accept our fate. For the sake of the kids. For face. Becos we r not confident we can face the world alone. Or maybe we keep hoping that he will chg. One day, he will realize how much this family means to him and how much u love him and ur family.

No one can answer ur question, u alrdy know the answer in ur heart. Whatever ur choice, u must face it with courage and determination. The Rd will be long and lonely,but like many of us, u will find the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep walking. Be brave.

Dun be afraid of venting in this forum. U need an outlet and this is it. We dun judge here. We can share and support.

Dun gv up on urself!

 

[totallylost]

Very down ... but still have to put up a normal front in front of friends and colleagues. Very very tired. Cold war still and will continue unless i "say sorry" and whenever I do that, I despise myself more. Without my kid I would have walked out immediately. Maybe it's ok to stay like strangers in the same house ...

 

[xsun]

Lost,
At least u r working n financially independent. U also have ur own social circle! That's a big advantage vs sahms, who depends on their hbs.

In ur case, leaving could be an option..pls, I'm not encouraging u to get a divorce. But u have the means to do so if u wish and what u r gg thru is mental abuse frm ur hb.
R u willing to live this way for the next 50 yrs??
Assuming u r in ur 30s and human lifespan of 80yrs. That's a pretty long time to suffer.

 

[ashleybb]

Hi mummies,

Just to share... My hubby suddenly distant himself from me n my then only 2 months old baby gal one and a half years ago. There are too many reasons to this involving affair, can't adapt to parenthood, my MIL issues with his mum... Back then I am struggling to cope with his absent, with babycare and also my mum terminal illness... All these continue till I
decide to do something for myself n my baby gal, I went family court to file for maintenance. I thought he should at least financially support his daughter and pay for our HDB mortgage loan... Cut things short, i am now a happy mom
and the reason is obvious, whenever I see my gal smile, whenever she call me mommy

... She is a sweet 18 months old toddler now... No doubt it is a regret not be able to provide our kids a proper family but I guess a proper family if
lacks happiness, will never be proper. I want a happy family for my kid but not just a proper one. My decision on whether to divorce or not will only be base on the capability and possibility of the man providing me n my kid a happy family.
Take care mummies...

 

[xsun]

Well said.
A 'proper' family lacking happiness will only be another source of stress.

 

[iamlost]

Need advice from you mummies.

Been reading the post all along and I never know this would happen to me too.

I am married for more than 10 years and have 3 children. Recently I chance upon my hubby visiting forum like sammyboyforum, etc but think nothing of it. I thought guys are guys and close one eye.

Yesterday, was the worst day of my life, I hack into his file and discover things that I shouldn't be seeing. Pictures of sexy girls, location of places providing sex services and even posting to look for a long term relationship partner. My heart break when I see this

After questioning him, he admitted that he has visited massage palour for sex but telling me that he needs to work overtime.

No doubt he provide for the family and take good care of us but it is very hard for me to forget all this.

He promise that he will not do it again and will delete all the files but I don't think this will help. ID can be easily created and who can assure that he will not make a next visit to the palour.

I am totally lost, I do not know what to do.

Hope you mummies can give me some advise. Thanks

 

[tototan]

Hopefaith,

I am glad dat you are enjoying your motherhood!!...wanted to post earlier but was seriously buzy..

sungrapes,
hope you are coping well with new baby too!!

yoyo..
sorry didn't manage to see your question earlier...haf your problems been resolved?? in your case..it shd fall under.

• that your spouse has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to live with him or her

Hi Iamlost,
I have been married for 8.5 with 3 kids and i juz divorced my hb..in fact its not finalised yet...but i am struggling in "happiness" though...being a single mum haf alot of considerations..but I think most importantly..can you bear having sex, trusting wif your hb knowing dat he haf slept wif those girls...we are not you..so we cannot decide..

for me his infidelity came along wif many other issues and addiction..so I had to let go...but if for the 3 kids..u would like to work on your mariage again...do see a counsellor..and he haf to work hard on gaining your trust. you hear from many women dat most men will promise the sky after they get caught..mine too!!..but he nvr change..

I spoke to a v decent guy fren who told me..its an innate desire for men to want to screw around...esp its so readily available..it takes alot for them to want to change..i believe mine wun so i gave up..rather be on my own then to catch some weird disease later on...

for the half a year of my exhb's absence..I am growing stronger...and I felt my kids missing him less and less...i think I am doing quite well in fact! getting my self respect and my frens bk! my eldest haf not seen him in 6 months, 2nd kid seen him once, 3rd kid prob dun recognise him. But not a bed of roses when i had to cope with the bills and his debts all on my own...i am moonlighting to make ends meet...but when my kids tell me.."mummy i like rough hands, because dats your hand..and i love you..." i know its all worth it!

 

[totallylost]

tototan, your ex not giving maintenance? why is it always the women have to suffer?

 

[nicolenicole]

hi all

I am in the same situation as you gals (sexy pictures on computer, smses to China girls..) and I am filing for divorce. Made up my mind.

Anyone going through or thinking of divorce now can PM me. Let's do this together. We need to support each other

 

[iamlost]

I still have not decide what to do. Thinking of giving him a second chance.

I have secretly setup the Find my iphone function in his iphone and have been locating his whereabout. I can only hope that he keep his promise and things will be back to normal.

But if that happen again, I think my next step is to file for a divorce.

 

[tototan]

Lost,
no, my ex not giving maintenance, but his family helped him to give me some...but not the full amount...but throughout these 6 months, I have been clearing his mess, so whateva his family give me...actually juz went into clearing the shit..

Nicole,
you are decisive! how many kiddos you have with him?

 

[kthy]

Hi, mummies
Recently I just got updated from my girlfriend about this heartbreak happening in her school. Few of her classmates told her girl that they are not allowed to talk or make friend with her, as their parents told them to stay away from her, as her dad has 'ran away' with another woman as now mummy is single parent. Her girl broke down & cried when pouring to my girlfren at home. I was shocked & pissed off when my gf told me that! Why are those parents so immatured? Children are innocent! They are from one of the Methodist Schools! Gosh...pity my gf's 3 young kids, they are stressed out and still struggling now.

 

[yoyokomama]

Hope faith & all,

Thanks for sharing your concerns, I m v glad to received the support from here.

Hope faith, I felt that u hv gone so much stronger now... I guess it's the power of ur bb.

In fact I felt totally like how u felt too. But my problem slight different becos he is suicidal.., now he claimed tt he it's able to take it n respect my decision if I really wanna divorce but I m kinda sure he may b suicidal again if I wanted a divorce again.I was much traumatized earlier having to cope w my own sadness yet hv to bother abt his wellbeing..

I dont think there will be future between us, cos I don't wish to go through the kinda painful process worrying whether he is out there w someone else.

Now I would consider we hv separated n I would no longer contact him he would usually b the one who call n I will let my 2.5 yr old chat w him n let them spend sometime on Sunday. Lucky thing he nw does gave us some allowances unlike last time when he never did. But only ting is tt I had to fake in front of relatives n colleague n non close fren tt I m still in the relationship.

Kinda painful to fake tt we r all well .

 

[yoyokomama]

Carlyn,

It's a torture going through wt u r going through now, when I learn abt his interest w someone else like 8 yrs ago.. Tot they dint get into affair (gay) but it affected me alot over the yrs .. As I felt tt I could not trust him 100% anymore n I became more suspicious.

Over the yrs I tried to regain the trust but 8 yrs later which is may this yr, he got into affair no sex but oral but that's already equally hurtful to me. Then again I hv no one to blame as I choose to gave him a chance after I found out tt he had clush w another man. now he had oral so what's next ? I kw i need to draw a line now to prevent getting hurt further n stop torturing myself.

So I can understand how u felt. Each te I think of how he could make himself hurt me, I know I can't forgive him cos I hv learn through the 2 lesson n I had sacrify my youth in a wrong man.nevertheless it still not too late for me to end now compare if I were to patch bk and waste another 8 yrs.

Sometimes it's true tt pple will treasure things more when they can't get it which now he is more sincere n value the time w us now. I guess I hv decided tt this is the best arrangement for us. He is sad n suicidal becos he felt tt he can't stop being gay which I does pity him, but then it give no reason for him to hurt someone whom love him so much n gave her best to him.

I may not be able to divorce now but I guess I would once my flat issue are settled. After all these yrs of torture I felt more relief n learn to think more for myself.

 

[yoyokomama]

I m lost,

I think it's not easy for u too as u hv 3 kids.. I belief hv hv also gone through alot in the long relationship. I hv been with my hub since 19 n now I m 32. Sometimes I also hated myself for giving him a chance 8 yrs ago if not I would probably been married to another man. But 8 yrs ago I also did told myself if he were to let me down again that would also b the end between us. So I kw I need to put a full stop since the most had happened.

That's life I guess. If this is his 1st mistake n u felt tt it's worth giving the relationship another chance just go ahead, but u need to b more conscious but not too suspicious in case it lead to unnecessary misunderstanding.

 

[yuki_ko]

My experience is man will never change their ways... My cheating HB also said that we should try it again to be together... but in the meantime, still meeting up wif his foreign postitute gf. So, what's the point????

To patch back, for me to believe in the relationship again, I guess, the bare minimum is at least to break off with that postitute gf...

Anyway, now that we are at the divorce stage, I'm totally glad wif my decision coz the things he indicated in the afidavits to the lawyer made me feels like he juz wanted money and yet still want pple to pity him. F**K him... he's the one who wanted out in the relationship. At least be a man to own up to his mistake.

He still dare to say that he has contributed to his duty as a husband because he wash the dogs and clear the rubbish bins... I dunno whether I should laugh or to be angry. I forgave him before once when he went postitution once, which I regreted. Shouldn't have let him waste my time.