Should i consider divorce?

W

WorriedDad83

New Member
Not sure if this is the right forum, but just wanted to get things off my chest and if possible, get some advice for my current issues.

Married for three years with my current wife who was a Malaysian PR up until late last year when she became a Singaporean citizen. We have a ten month old daughter and things have been okay that is until CB struck. She has been extremely moody and emotional over not being able to go back to jb to see her parents as before CB would go back almost every weekend to visit. Each time she gets a update on MCO extension from Muhyiddin, she would completely shut down and the bulk of child rearing becomes my responsibility. The recent announcement about the MCO extension to 31/8/2020 was the worst, she literally turned into someone who has stage 4 lung cancer and had no will to cook, eat or do anything. I have been the recipient of her tantrums as her ventilation outlet. These past few months, I have been enduring it, buying food for her and letting her say nasty things to me like “Your mother is here in Singapore, that’s why it is so easy for you!” I visit my mum who stays alone about three times a week for about an hour to make sure things are okay. I reduced the visiting time to appease my wife. Everyday when I wake up and see her face, whatever motivation I have to power through at work, vanishes. Her temper flare-ups over trivial matters at home like placement of cups; must be flushed with handles out, are starting to grate at me. I have considered divorce but when i see my daughter, i hold back my thoughts and move on. Just wondering if there is anyone facing a similar issue as me during this CB with a non-local spouse. I am looking for support from people who share the same woes.
 


Did she video call with her parents or is she worry about them so she become quick tempered ?

This CB really stressed out everyone but will be over soon I hope.
 
@risther she did VC but she still behaves as if the world is ending since she still can’t go back to jb. She comes from a dysfunctional family; father and mother are not on speaking terms but refuse to divorce due to house ownership issues. Her temper has always been bad, but this CB brought out her true colours. I can’t help but feel that if one day, touch wood, if something happens to me, she would be the first to leave instead of helping me. She’s a stickler for hygiene and orderliness.
 
WorriedDad83 said:
@risther she did VC but she still behaves as if the world is ending since she still can’t go back to jb. She comes from a dysfunctional family; father and mother are not on speaking terms but refuse to divorce due to house ownership issues. Her temper has always been bad, but this CB brought out her true colours. I can’t help but feel that if one day, touch wood, if something happens to me, she would be the first to leave instead of helping me. She’s a stickler for hygiene and orderliness.
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Did you try communicate with her on your thoughts of her current behaviour?
Maybe she is plagued by problems in her family and she can’t go back to settle them hence her behaviour changed.

What makes you think she wld be the first to leave you instead of helping? I believe the hygiene and order part you already know before you marry her. This minor issue can be tolerated imo.
 
I’ve considered divorce a few times too, luckily we are going through marriage counselling now so as bad as things are, we have somewhere to remove the emotional baggage between us. Three years is quite young, my marriage was also very very rocky at three years as we are still figuring each other out. 7 years now and still not quite there yet.

Counselling helped us a lot like how it pointed out my way of talking to my husband about the placement of cups. I get very frustrated when it’s not the correct placement, my OCD can be quite bad. There are books to help out on communication and really listening to your spouse too.

I know it’s cliche to say communication is key but have you tried telling her your feelings? I guess you got to find out her point of view if she still wants to stay together with you, and if she is willing to change a bit of her ways to stay with you (like going counselling), because you got to work as a team in a marriage. Child rearing can be very exhausting and take a toll on you too, but it’s part of the work to stay together as a team. If one is not willing to work to stay together, it will be hard on you.
 
Since travelling will be allow soon, maybe can consider taking leave, and head to JB (Not sure if is allow though)
Another option is to bring her parents over to SG, since still allow to enter SG
 
As we only heard one side of the story, it’s quite difficult to see the entire picture. As a SAHM myself, I think sometimes need to see from ur wife’s POV too, so that u will better understand ur wife’s needs and can find ways to help her manage her emotions, which will in turn help your relationship.
You mentioned u are working, your wife is currently a full time stay home mom?
Was she working full time before u were married?
How have your life changed after ur child has arrived? How about your wife?
How’s your wife’s relationship with your family? What’s your stand?
Did she do things to spite u on purpose?
Are you sure your wife’s frustrations is solely because she couldn’t go back to Malaysia?
Answering the above questions truthfully will help u derive the answers to the following question: What are your wife’s needs?
Then, of course, u have your own needs too.
Do find time to communicate with each other.
It will be a pity for a lovely family to be broken because of miscommunication. Jiayou~
 
Shes wfh, same as me. Our child is with a nanny from 8-6pm mon to fri so the stress of taking care of a child is much reduced. In terms of responsibilities i pay for the utilities and rent, nanny fees, groceries. I help to wash the toilets so as to reduce her burden. I offer to help do other household chores but she claimed that the way I do it is as good as not doing it. Her attitude really took a turn for the worst once borders were closed. I really do not know how to endure this. She would say awful things like “you have never taken care of the child.” Really? Every morning I would take care of the child’s morning needs from feeding to changing of diapers, before sending her to the nanny and picking jer up in the evening. On weekends, i bathe my daughter and am in charge if feeding her solids. My wife is no longer pumping BM, i got her to convert to full FM to further reduce her stress and burden. I cannot begin to tell you how hurt I am as a father to hear this.
 
I think you need to find a time (when both of you are calm) to talk to your wife. Maybe you can start from asking each other to write down each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Start from there to discuss issues. Do remember to take time to think through and write down one’s strengths and weaknesses, then take turns to go through one by one. Set ground rules before u start the conversation (to ensure both voices are heard) — e.g. must wait for individual to finish going through all the points before the other party can ask for clarification.
I feel the main issue between u and ur wife is lack of communication. You think you have done enough but your wife doesn’t. You think your wife didn’t do enough but your wife thinks she does too much (that’s why she decided not to continue doing so much anymore). Think for your very young child, try to salvage the marriage if possible. If something does not kill you, it will make you (your relationship) stronger. Love is a choice more than a feeling.
 
Hi there, just to share some thoughts based on the info available:

A) covid places a lot of mental stress and anxiety on everyone. Hence it is to be expected that some need more help to cope with the situation. Maybe you could adjust downwards your expectations first towards your wife, and also your tolerance level during these times (if I'm not wrong it should be harder for you to tolerate than before)

B) it sounds to me that she has a bad bout of homesickness. The feelings one has towards one's family can be complicated. Perhaps as an outsider we see a dysfunctional family. But to her, she sees love. Also whether she is a PR or citizen is irrelevant to gauge how much she misses home. She will perhaps see herself as a foreigner in this land and Malaysia is her true home. Try to put yourself in her shoes by imaging you guys are in JB and you miss your mum in sg x adjustment for gender differences.

Once Malaysia borders are open, you should take leave ASAP and bring her back to Malaysia. Maybe she could stay there for a week or two to fill up her love tank.

In the meantime, encourage her to do VC and maybe meet with her close friends (fellow Malaysians) to allay the homesickness. Or you could also bring her to some Malaysian restaurants in SG to sooth her a bit.

Try your best, if not for yourself and her, then for your precious little baby. All the best k.
 
WorriedDad83 said:
Shes wfh, same as me. Our child is with a nanny from 8-6pm mon to fri so the stress of taking care of a child is much reduced. In terms of responsibilities i pay for the utilities and rent, nanny fees, groceries. I help to wash the toilets so as to reduce her burden. I offer to help do other household chores but she claimed that the way I do it is as good as not doing it. Her attitude really took a turn for the worst once borders were closed. I really do not know how to endure this. She would say awful things like “you have never taken care of the child.” Really? Every morning I would take care of the child’s morning needs from feeding to changing of diapers, before sending her to the nanny and picking jer up in the evening. On weekends, i bathe my daughter and am in charge if feeding her solids. My wife is no longer pumping BM, i got her to convert to full FM to further reduce her stress and burden. I cannot begin to tell you how hurt I am as a father to hear this.
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U can't wake a person who pretends to be sleeping.

I bet even u done up all the chores and child care, she wil giv u a trophy. Basically she is in denial, w u or w the situation. So fruitless effort.

Hence, jus ask her to contact Muhyiddin directly. Tel her bluntly that she isn't alone and not the worst off and it's beyond u. She has to accept the fact.

Having a SG mum, isn't your choice. Having a Sg husband, taking up citizenship, not gg bk now becoz worry of unpaid leave/ quarantine/ unsubsided covid cost are her choice. She is free to go bk anytime she likes. She chooses and conveniently blames the trade off on u..

If she is so into her family, isn't taking up Sg citizenship makes her a foreigner in her birth country? She wans the benefit here but not accepting the covid safe measures... hmm...

Leave the space when she acts out. Whenever she blurs the line, u show her the line. By passively taking in her act, only worsen thgs. U became her outlet. Unless u wan to be an outlet, if not, make a stand.

Since u are contemplating dv, there's nothing to lose.
 
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Hi bro,

Im almost 90% similar to your situation and she is also malaysian PR but we have no kids. True colors shown after signing on the dotted line 2 months back. Can even fight when deciding what to eat most of the time. Everyday receiving her nonsense and tantrums complaining abt almost everything and everyone except herself .
Dont even know how to be contented when she still have a job now which has quite good salary and only dreams of stop working in few years time and asking me for allowance by then despite im already paying for car loan and expenses while she only pays for petrol as she is the one driving to work everyday.

I dare not even talk to my relatives and friends abt it because I am so ashamed of marrying such a woman. Now im stuck because our resale flat is coming soon but im ready for divorce once the flat is ready and hopefully can buy over her share.

I really feel you bro!
 
WorriedDad83 said:
Shes wfh, same as me. Our child is with a nanny from 8-6pm mon to fri so the stress of taking care of a child is much reduced. In terms of responsibilities i pay for the utilities and rent, nanny fees, groceries. I help to wash the toilets so as to reduce her burden. I offer to help do other household chores but she claimed that the way I do it is as good as not doing it. Her attitude really took a turn for the worst once borders were closed. I really do not know how to endure this. She would say awful things like “you have never taken care of the child.” Really? Every morning I would take care of the child’s morning needs from feeding to changing of diapers, before sending her to the nanny and picking jer up in the evening. On weekends, i bathe my daughter and am in charge if feeding her solids. My wife is no longer pumping BM, i got her to convert to full FM to further reduce her stress and burden. I cannot begin to tell you how hurt I am as a father to hear this.
Click to expand...
Hi, I was like you for 22 years. My honest advice is get a divorce soon instead of dragging. It's better for the children, yourself and her. I thought love will change it all. I did everything I could, like you. In the end, some questions will never have answers. Being happy is a responsibility to yourself and children. Some things are not meant to be understood. My regret is only after the damage is done to the children and our relationship and now then I consider seriously to get a divorce. Don't drag. It takes 2 hands to clap. If you have done all you could and she simply refuses to be a team player. You cannot do anything. Hope this helps. Stay strong
 
Davo said:
Hi bro,

Im almost 90% similar to your situation and she is also malaysian PR but we have no kids. True colors shown after signing on the dotted line 2 months back. Can even fight when deciding what to eat most of the time. Everyday receiving her nonsense and tantrums complaining abt almost everything and everyone except herself .
Dont even know how to be contented when she still have a job now which has quite good salary and only dreams of stop working in few years time and asking me for allowance by then despite im already paying for car loan and expenses while she only pays for petrol as she is the one driving to work everyday.

I dare not even talk to my relatives and friends abt it because I am so ashamed of marrying such a woman. Now im stuck because our resale flat is coming soon but im ready for divorce once the flat is ready and hopefully can buy over her share.

I really feel you bro!
Click to expand...
I paid for everything, including the children's insurances for the past 22 years. Children's insurance about 58k till date. All the cars, car expenses I paid all by myself. The only things she pays half is the children's tuition, our hdb and some groceries. Becsue if she didn't, she will squander all the money away. If you sense something is not right, don't hesitate, divorce is the right thing to do. Don't hang on and think love, being a good husband will change things. Marriage only gets more challenging. If now already like this, it will be worse down the road. This is my honest advice.
 
Hope that the situation is improved for all of you who are facing the similar issues.

I think during CB time, all of us suffering from anxiety and depression on and off, especially for those who is leaving their hometown to work in SG.

Perhaps, you can also try to understand if there is any depression shown by your wife (perhaps after giving birth to baby?)

Communication is still the main point to keep your relationship sweet and blissful.

Bring family for a staycation maybe? Plan some outing, create more beautiful memories, bring her to somewhere that both of u went during dating time, create some surprise for her etc... Try to do something, think of methods which you can use... befoe really move on to "Divorce". Jiayou!
 
MoonyMarauders said:
I’ve considered divorce a few times too, luckily we are going through marriage counselling now so as bad as things are, we have somewhere to remove the emotional baggage between us. Three years is quite young, my marriage was also very very rocky at three years as we are still figuring each other out. 7 years now and still not quite there yet.

Counselling helped us a lot like how it pointed out my way of talking to my husband about the placement of cups. I get very frustrated when it’s not the correct placement, my OCD can be quite bad. There are books to help out on communication and really listening to your spouse too.

I know it’s cliche to say communication is key but have you tried telling her your feelings? I guess you got to find out her point of view if she still wants to stay together with you, and if she is willing to change a bit of her ways to stay with you (like going counselling), because you got to work as a team in a marriage. Child rearing can be very exhausting and take a toll on you too, but it’s part of the work to stay together as a team. If one is not willing to work to stay together, it will be hard on you.
Click to expand...
May I know which marriage counselling did you go to?
 
I don't think you need to take such drastic step as in divorce. I think she just wants to visit her mum.

Perhaps you can try counselling.
Perhaps just listen to what she wants to say.
Perhaps you can ask her about her worries and share some burden.
 
Divorce is a difficult and painful journey. If its just due to the temp covid-19 situation then it is not a good enough reason to divorce.
 
I hope you have worked it out with your wife. Marriage required understanding from both. So talk it out with your wife.
 
WorriedDad83 said:
@risther she did VC but she still behaves as if the world is ending since she still can’t go back to jb. She comes from a dysfunctional family; father and mother are not on speaking terms but refuse to divorce due to house ownership issues. Her temper has always been bad, but this CB brought out her true colours. I can’t help but feel that if one day, touch wood, if something happens to me, she would be the first to leave instead of helping me. She’s a stickler for hygiene and orderliness.
Click to expand...

how long have you known her?
 
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