Sex less marriage
- Thread starter kimloh
- Start date
diamondfericia
Active Member
I never encountered just that am abit on the low side after my first pregnancy.
A close friend of mine told me no matter how you don't like/not interested, you have to try to get into mood. Else the hub will give reason to go 'somewhere else'.
Maybe go for holiday?
A close friend of mine told me no matter how you don't like/not interested, you have to try to get into mood. Else the hub will give reason to go 'somewhere else'.
Maybe go for holiday?
furbee
Well-Known Member
Hi, agree with @sourapple tat its hard to comment wo understanding ur sotuation.
Long time marriage like 10yrs? To some 1 yr in a marriage seems long...
With n wo kids makes lots of difference...
I feel that to fully 100% understand ones partner is not possible, cos theres always a secret behind..
Some men/women view sex differently, such as 'love', no exact defination on how to go about it....
For me, its communicate... Thou it may not work, or he may not open up, at least i made my views heard. If he understands n respect what i expects he too shld share what he wants to make me too understand him. Of cos there r cases of meeting 1/2 way in btw, but i believe it takes extreme measures tat both party do wat the other wants and understand the needs... Neither will anyone hope their partner goes out 'elsewhere'... But of cos if he delibrately hide the fact theres nth i can do unless i find out. Before tat happens, try to talk n see the root cause, shift of interest n priority in life, money, stress all can be huge factors in men ego....
@kimloh hope all goes well for u, dont pinpoint fault, before approaching him, ask urself what exactly u wan from him, wat answer will u be expecting from him. If he doesnt give u the reasonable answer, will u get angry? Rationalise with urself n u will get ur answer...den u seek to understand his. (Thats what my hubby asked me, what answer i expect from him, y i angry at him whether or not he answers me) All the best n hope ur sex life will slowly pick up again!
Long time marriage like 10yrs? To some 1 yr in a marriage seems long...
With n wo kids makes lots of difference...
I feel that to fully 100% understand ones partner is not possible, cos theres always a secret behind..
Some men/women view sex differently, such as 'love', no exact defination on how to go about it....
For me, its communicate... Thou it may not work, or he may not open up, at least i made my views heard. If he understands n respect what i expects he too shld share what he wants to make me too understand him. Of cos there r cases of meeting 1/2 way in btw, but i believe it takes extreme measures tat both party do wat the other wants and understand the needs... Neither will anyone hope their partner goes out 'elsewhere'... But of cos if he delibrately hide the fact theres nth i can do unless i find out. Before tat happens, try to talk n see the root cause, shift of interest n priority in life, money, stress all can be huge factors in men ego....
@kimloh hope all goes well for u, dont pinpoint fault, before approaching him, ask urself what exactly u wan from him, wat answer will u be expecting from him. If he doesnt give u the reasonable answer, will u get angry? Rationalise with urself n u will get ur answer...den u seek to understand his. (Thats what my hubby asked me, what answer i expect from him, y i angry at him whether or not he answers me) All the best n hope ur sex life will slowly pick up again!
AshlynnDiamondia
New Member
Try a short gateway .. spending time tog in a nice hotel
doesithappen
New Member
Hi i just want to share with you that even though im in an almost sexless marriage (bcoz my husband has no desires) our family is still functioning well.
Just that im the party that has to put up with the "sexless" part..
If you ask me how i cope with it.. i just have to say.... i choose to love my husband emotionally than physically even though my love language is touch.
I am subjected to this situation and i just have to learn to love him in another way.
By sharing my inner thoughts in this anonymity.. i feel like i have let a huge cat out of the bag.
Its a big stone weighing in my heart and im so glad i can voice my thoughts out here with other mommies out there. =)
I hope you find your balance in your marriage.
Dont view sex as a chore... its a love language. I hope you will find the fire in you and reignite the flame ^_^
wendysu
Member
Sorry sister, just to share my other side of story.
Ironically, to me, sex is a chores, how i wish my hubby can stop initiating for sex. I do not have any desire and low sex drive but have to do it once a while to fulfill my duty as a wife and satisfy my husband by acting and pretending which i found myself very fake.
Because i know sex is part of a marriage, a package, so i have to remain silent and continue to act, i feel guilty about it but i cannot ignore his needs. I am very happy when my period is here meaning i can stop being "harassing" by him for that week long.
I am only 36 but after giving birth, my sex drive is decreasing and at present, i am totally not interested. Taking medicine and nothing arouse me. Nothing wrong with my partner, i know the problem lies on me. Anyway, for my case, i wish for a sexless marriage.
Ironically, to me, sex is a chores, how i wish my hubby can stop initiating for sex. I do not have any desire and low sex drive but have to do it once a while to fulfill my duty as a wife and satisfy my husband by acting and pretending which i found myself very fake.
Because i know sex is part of a marriage, a package, so i have to remain silent and continue to act, i feel guilty about it but i cannot ignore his needs. I am very happy when my period is here meaning i can stop being "harassing" by him for that week long.
I am only 36 but after giving birth, my sex drive is decreasing and at present, i am totally not interested. Taking medicine and nothing arouse me. Nothing wrong with my partner, i know the problem lies on me. Anyway, for my case, i wish for a sexless marriage.
Hi Wendysu just to share with you that I too have the same feeling you are undergoing. Maybe we are under the same situation, I will be on low sex drive an do not have any desire with my husband. When he wanted sex for the night, my nightmares begin I will get him to buy beer home, lying its helps to build up the atmosphere. Reality I'm trying to get myself tipsy so as to allow my brains to picture him as my lover while making out. Occasionally when I'm not tipsy enough to trick my brains. I will encounter dryness and painful sex, left choicless but to carry on acting like a pornstar, deep inside my heart just to fulfill my duty as a wife hoping the harassment act end faster. But will still act asking him did you enjoy?why you ejected so fast? How's my performance any rooms for improvement? Which I find myself very fake.
When I at office with my lover my sex drive is super high, we wouldn't miss a chance to make out even it's office hours if times allows. Valentines days my husband bought me a lingerie and toy I juz told him off and find it dirty. When my lover and I on business trip I will buy sexy lingerie and toys to spice up with him and I love it.
When I at office with my lover my sex drive is super high, we wouldn't miss a chance to make out even it's office hours if times allows. Valentines days my husband bought me a lingerie and toy I juz told him off and find it dirty. When my lover and I on business trip I will buy sexy lingerie and toys to spice up with him and I love it.
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deprived
Member
deprived
Member
So looks like he really takes good care of your needs in that aspect..
deprived
Member
Yeah.. at least he try, better than some guys who don't even give a damn about it..
else, you find your own plaything la.. lots available outside..
Sorry for being straight forward. You are cheating your husband. I do not know what's going on in your marriage but since you are lawfully married to your husband, it's your duty to stay faithful.
shearer
Active Member
Somehow, we know the society is screwed up when the following happened in my institution:-
Ah lian young lady 23 years old. Wears sexily, always hit on by guys, but remain true to her bf who waits for her to off work everyday.
Para legal clerk (was). Fresh grad 24 years old. wore all covered up. Caught by cleaner aunty giving blow job at fire staircase. Sacked.
Dont ever judge a book by its cover in this screwed up society
Ah lian young lady 23 years old. Wears sexily, always hit on by guys, but remain true to her bf who waits for her to off work everyday.
Para legal clerk (was). Fresh grad 24 years old. wore all covered up. Caught by cleaner aunty giving blow job at fire staircase. Sacked.
Dont ever judge a book by its cover in this screwed up society
deprived
Member
hmm... even more screwed up if the 24 years old was giving blow job at the fire staircase to the bf of the 23 year old while he waits for the 23 year old to finish work..
deprived
Member
Yeah!! totally agree with you on that!!!
Who are we to judge anyways, even if we don't say out. We shouldn't discriminate against anyone..
Just like those dress prim and proper guys have affairs, and those dress like ah bengs may not.
知人知面不知心
We will discarded it before returning to Sg. As for lingerie I will bring it back and continue my acting saying it for spicing up our sex life if he happen to see it. If he requested when making out I will find all sorts of excuses to turn him down. I really don't know what I'm doing? If happen to wear the lingerie for my husband the following days, I will secretly bring it to office or wear it inside my office wear to seduce my lover. Do u share the same feelings as mine wendysu....Wow!!! Where you keep your sexy lingerie and toys? BATA?
deprived
Member
If i really want to keep my affair a secret, logically will want to erase all possible traces..
Which is BATA - Buy And Throw Away.. and I don't really mean the shoe shop BATA, though that is another story about the shoes that I find there..
If I don't really care if my hubby finds out, I'll act like normal. If he sees it, so be it..
So, I really don't know how your relationship with your hubby is to comment.
Why did you not consider divorcing him and marrying your lover?
What was fundamentally wrong with your marriage that you are doing this with your lover?
There are probably one thousand and one reasons, that only you yourself will know.
But good to consider if this what you want for the rest of your life..
In fact I also don't know why I'm doing this? I'm happily married and have 3 kids 1 from my ex hubby. We still meet up for sex occasionally when he visits our son. I will try to fix the appointment with him when my husband is on night shift. With my lover and ex hubby my sex drive shoots like rocket, when with my husband it turn downhill but I love my husband deeply but not sex. Can anybody advise me?
deprived
Member
Have you tried going to a sexologist for counselling?
She may be able to help you and your hubby..
deprived
Member
What is YOLO?? sorry for my ignorance..
shearer
Active Member
You Only Lived Once
At some point in time in life. We must realise we cannot get full marks in every aspect. Perfect mummy? Perfect wife? Perfect DIL? Perfect worker? Perfect taxpayer? Whatever. ...
My point is. Just pass the god damn life test. Even in academics, we can get an A without getting full marks. So, still wanna be a perfect woman? What for? Will u pay lesser taxes? Will your delivery be less painful???
At some point in time in life. We must realise we cannot get full marks in every aspect. Perfect mummy? Perfect wife? Perfect DIL? Perfect worker? Perfect taxpayer? Whatever. ...
My point is. Just pass the god damn life test. Even in academics, we can get an A without getting full marks. So, still wanna be a perfect woman? What for? Will u pay lesser taxes? Will your delivery be less painful???
My lover is also happily marriage with 2 kids, just that he's left sexless by his wife.
As for my husband he a very caring types, he will prepares my nasi lemak by tear all the chicken wings bone out even @changi village. Will not get this type of treatment from my lover & ex husband. In fact I need to buy for them while they sitting waiting like a king.
I'm really very confuses at times, I love my husband everything but not no sex.
Well said. You lived only once. You don’t have to be perfect in all aspect which nothing is perfect in this world. To me, I don’t expect for perfection but I have to live with integrity. Integrity is the value ones that has to be passed down to your generation.
No one can advise what's going on with you.
You are married to your husband and you love him deeply but low in sex drive with him ? That must be something wrong somewhere else. You search your heart deeply, is this moral by doing this ? Hope that you can stop doing this with your ex and lover.
deprived
Member
Playing the devil's advocate :-
What determines Integrity that other people sees?
For it to be pass down to your generation it is not about 清者自清, but about other people views you and remembers you..
Which means, implicitly, about how well can you hide..
Or you can live your life with integrity, but as long as you are not being viewed that way, you will be remembered by your future generation on what they see not what you really are, i.e a person without integrity..
Bottomline, be true to yourself (what you want out of your life).. we only live once..
It's not how long you live, but how well you live so that you can say you have done all you want at your deathbed..
shearer
Active Member
Seeds, I rather pass on $$ and a HDB flat to my next generation.
Integrity is perceived. It seldom is in our control.
I used to wear bright coloured bras to work. Never strayed, though I do keep a look out for hunks.
My bestie came over during lunch and commented that I was attracting the 'wrong' comments and glances from opposite gender. I replied, "Hello, pink is my fav color".
You get the gist of it. It was just the occasional shoulder straps running out of position.
Integrity is perceived. It seldom is in our control.
I used to wear bright coloured bras to work. Never strayed, though I do keep a look out for hunks.
My bestie came over during lunch and commented that I was attracting the 'wrong' comments and glances from opposite gender. I replied, "Hello, pink is my fav color".
You get the gist of it. It was just the occasional shoulder straps running out of position.
shearer
Active Member
We cannot let it escalate to a point whereby we live and breathe by how others perceive us.... We live our own lives, Seeds and Foo_betty.
Bloody guys think pink bras are only worn by girls who are not simple. So? We have to abide? Then who cares about our perception? I perceive that guys should not wear white shirts whithout a singlet beneath. Do I go around and voice my preference so that others will follow my wishes????
Bloody guys think pink bras are only worn by girls who are not simple. So? We have to abide? Then who cares about our perception? I perceive that guys should not wear white shirts whithout a singlet beneath. Do I go around and voice my preference so that others will follow my wishes????
I been trying but I really don't understand and lose control. Like last night my eldest son is running a high fever & my husband is on night shift. I called my ex hubby to inform him on the sickness progress he rushed down around 10pm. When coaxing my children sleep my brain run wild again and ended making out while they are asleep. While having after sex smoke at corridor planning for 2nd round touching him around. Suddenly saw my husband coming out from the lift. I asked though you on night shift he replied had take time off, let bring son to visit the doctor. I gave him a lame excuse, I am very tried need to rest early for the day but in my mind hopping to have more rounds with my ex hubby. He got quite piss off & left with the son. I really don't know what happen I lose everything in my mind only sex and we finish the deeds.
Seeking for advise anybody tried having 3 person together, I always hint my husband for another parties to join in but he can't get the signal.
I don't believe in sexologist consulted 6 or 7 years ago ended fling with him for few month ended today with ex hubby sad....
shearer
Active Member
Foo_betty, seems like for the section of being a perfect wife, you are not gonna get full marks or even A- or B+.
So, just concentrate on getting A+ as a mother, as a daughter, as a DIL (??), as a worker, as a taxpayer (dun under declare or overclaim ah!)...
at least when you look back in your life at the final moments, you can tell yourself that though you were not faithful, you did your best at other areas.
You try to earn as much $$ as possible, legally.
You contribute to society, dun badmouth your birth country.
You are filial.
You play safe sex and dont be a burden to your loved ones...
You devote time to your children.
overall, though not a perfect 1st class honours student, at least you get an A- or B+ aggregate...
And thats a good grade already hor! Dun be greedy or unrealistic to aim for A* or Disctintion..
Ultimately, my point is, there are many aspects in life. Not just sex, marriage or family. Like taking an exam, move along to the next section if you dun know how to answer this section; cant be stuck there forever?
Tio bo? Agree with me? Kee chiu!
So, just concentrate on getting A+ as a mother, as a daughter, as a DIL (??), as a worker, as a taxpayer (dun under declare or overclaim ah!)...
at least when you look back in your life at the final moments, you can tell yourself that though you were not faithful, you did your best at other areas.
You try to earn as much $$ as possible, legally.
You contribute to society, dun badmouth your birth country.
You are filial.
You play safe sex and dont be a burden to your loved ones...
You devote time to your children.
overall, though not a perfect 1st class honours student, at least you get an A- or B+ aggregate...
And thats a good grade already hor! Dun be greedy or unrealistic to aim for A* or Disctintion..
Ultimately, my point is, there are many aspects in life. Not just sex, marriage or family. Like taking an exam, move along to the next section if you dun know how to answer this section; cant be stuck there forever?
Tio bo? Agree with me? Kee chiu!
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One does not need others to view one’s integrity. Integrity is having strong moral principle, moral uprightness. And these come from yourselves, not what others view you with moral principle. Of course, not all will view you as what you want to be ‘cos no one is perfect. Even a saint or a great leader can be criticized.
If you live your life with integrity, why would anyone not remember you and view you as a person with integrity ? When you live with integrity, your actions, attitude,…says it all.
So, integrity is not been perceived.
You don’t have to ace in any area but to be doing the right thing in the right place at the right time.
pixie ng
Well-Known Member
I guess people do misused the "you only live once" concept just like "freedom of speech"...
you do what you want to do doesn't means you have to be selfish in the action you make and hurting the people you love and love you. just like having freedom of speech doesnt mean you should say whatever you want to say about someone who just pass away on youtube...
you do not need to be a perfect person, but at least be a decent person...
己所不欲，勿施於人。
"What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others."
you do what you want to do doesn't means you have to be selfish in the action you make and hurting the people you love and love you. just like having freedom of speech doesnt mean you should say whatever you want to say about someone who just pass away on youtube...
you do not need to be a perfect person, but at least be a decent person...
己所不欲，勿施於人。
"What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others."
shearer
Active Member
Seeds and Pixie Ng, I agree with both of you.
But then, here comes the definition.
Who ever was the idiot who linked sex to marriage to faithfulness.
Cant imgaine.
Just for argument's sake.
Suppose I have a functional time travel machine.
Let me travel back to that singular point in time whereby whoever it was, was drafting the moral values manual.
Suppose I managed to convience him/her/it that, Hey, sex is not to be linked to a trueful marriage. No connection at all, mate.
Suppose I was convincing enough. What will the world be today? To detach sex from the concept of purity/faithfulness..
But then, here comes the definition.
Who ever was the idiot who linked sex to marriage to faithfulness.
Cant imgaine.
Just for argument's sake.
Suppose I have a functional time travel machine.
Let me travel back to that singular point in time whereby whoever it was, was drafting the moral values manual.
Suppose I managed to convience him/her/it that, Hey, sex is not to be linked to a trueful marriage. No connection at all, mate.
Suppose I was convincing enough. What will the world be today? To detach sex from the concept of purity/faithfulness..
pixie ng
Well-Known Member
it is not about sex...
it is about the action that one party is doing when she/he knows her/his spouse disapprove...
i do know someone have an open marriage.. both parties agreed that they need someone else beside themselves to make their lives better.. so nothing is wrong because both parties accept and agree with each other action..
the thing is if one person is hiding or misusing his / her spouse's trust to do something unacceptable... then you have to question is this a decent act?
it might not be sex, it can be simple thing like smoking or drinking or gambling... so what's the action is not important. the important is whether the action is acceptable to your loved ones
it is about the action that one party is doing when she/he knows her/his spouse disapprove...
i do know someone have an open marriage.. both parties agreed that they need someone else beside themselves to make their lives better.. so nothing is wrong because both parties accept and agree with each other action..
the thing is if one person is hiding or misusing his / her spouse's trust to do something unacceptable... then you have to question is this a decent act?
it might not be sex, it can be simple thing like smoking or drinking or gambling... so what's the action is not important. the important is whether the action is acceptable to your loved ones
pixie ng
Well-Known Member
if gt gals zg, i also will tell my partner...
even i find some random gals very chio, i also tell him...
to me is just a natural response to share most of the things with him...
but if i look at guys is different story coz my partner doesn't like....
i avoid doing it, not because is wrong. but because my partner feel uncomfortable with my action
even i find some random gals very chio, i also tell him...
to me is just a natural response to share most of the things with him...
but if i look at guys is different story coz my partner doesn't like....
i avoid doing it, not because is wrong. but because my partner feel uncomfortable with my action
pixie ng
Well-Known Member
i'm not really a calculative person, so not much feel about fairness or unfairness...
to me, if i do this, is it acceptable to my partner. if accept, then i just do it. if cannot accept, then i need to think whether i can give up. if i cannot give up, then i will let my partner knows and he has to accept it.
for example, i wear pink bra to work. my partner cannot accept, giving reason it is very unprofessional to wear pink bra with white blouse to work. ok, i accept because he is uncomfortable with the idea and i can do without pink bra.. no big deal...
for example, i found a carpool (let's imagine is a handsome, fit male driver) to my workplace. the problem is i'm in jurong island and only people with pass can go in. my partner cannot send me to work, taxi driver always rejected me, and at last i found someone can drive me there with minimum fare. my partner cannot accept because he is protective of me. i would give him my middle finger and go ahead with my carpool...
to me, if i do this, is it acceptable to my partner. if accept, then i just do it. if cannot accept, then i need to think whether i can give up. if i cannot give up, then i will let my partner knows and he has to accept it.
for example, i wear pink bra to work. my partner cannot accept, giving reason it is very unprofessional to wear pink bra with white blouse to work. ok, i accept because he is uncomfortable with the idea and i can do without pink bra.. no big deal...
for example, i found a carpool (let's imagine is a handsome, fit male driver) to my workplace. the problem is i'm in jurong island and only people with pass can go in. my partner cannot send me to work, taxi driver always rejected me, and at last i found someone can drive me there with minimum fare. my partner cannot accept because he is protective of me. i would give him my middle finger and go ahead with my carpool...
