My MIL insisted that staying one roof is tradition and not willing to tc of child

Wantabb

Member
Hi, I just want to find somewhere to speak out my feeling. My mil insisted that this is a tradition to stay with the son and daughter in law. Somemore my husband and my mil not in talking term and not talking with each other years ago. When my husband not around, she will start nagging me on blaming tone, and i can't talk back to her as she will suddenly get frustrated and angry saying I am not respecting her. She also said that she wont be taking care of grandchildren and she didnt know how to take care a child. In fact, my husband was taken care by his grandmother and nanny, as his mother lazy to take care of him. We are staying in a 4 room flat and we only have 3 bedrooms but my mil has taken 2 bedrooms (one for her and my fil and another one for her maid), left no room for my child and also my future child. Anyway, I just prefer not to stay with mil and I prefer to have my own private space and I see no point staying together (my husband and my mil not in good term and also she is also not taking care of child).
 


Staying together will lead to potential problems like when you discipline your child,disagreements about keeping the house clean etc.

It is slightly too close for comfort when ILs stay with you cos there is a lack of private space for you and your own family.

Not willing to take care of child?Then what is she going to do?Mope around the house for the whole day.

If you let your ILs stay with you,chances are she will start to dictate matters around the house.
 
Staying together will lead to potential problems like when you discipline your child,disagreements about keeping the house clean etc.

It is slightly too close for comfort when ILs stay with you cos there is a lack of private space for you and your own family.

Not willing to take care of child?Then what is she going to do?Mope around the house for the whole day.

If you let your ILs stay with you,chances are she will start to dictate matters around the house.
Hi Natalie, she has a maid and usually not at home during day time. She is just insisted that this is a tradition and son and daughter in law should stay together with her, no matter we are happy with her or not.
 
Hi Natalie, she has a maid and usually not at home during day time. She is just insisted that this is a tradition and son and daughter in law should stay together with her, no matter we are happy with her or not.
Most of the ILs that I know of rarely request staying together as they have their own idiosyncrasies and prefer their children and children in laws to visit them instead......
 
Staying with her at her house or your in laws staying with you at YOUR house? Anyway if you are staying at her house and don’t wish to stay together anymore then just let your hubby know and stay separately. Your mil will have to accept the decision. It’s not as if she can stop you and your hubby from moving out. But of cos if she’s staying at your house then it’s a different story. Easy to invite her in difficult to send her out.
 
Staying with her at her house or your in laws staying with you at YOUR house? Anyway if you are staying at her house and don’t wish to stay together anymore then just let your hubby know and stay separately. Your mil will have to accept the decision. It’s not as if she can stop you and your hubby from moving out. But of cos if she’s staying at your house then it’s a different story. Easy to invite her in difficult to send her out.

Hi, my parents in law are staying in our house. they didn’t have their own house to stay as they have already sold away their house. We didn’t invite them to stay also they are just thinking is normal is a tradition
 
Staying with her at her house or your in laws staying with you at YOUR house? Anyway if you are staying at her house and don’t wish to stay together anymore then just let your hubby know and stay separately. Your mil will have to accept the decision. It’s not as if she can stop you and your hubby from moving out. But of cos if she’s staying at your house then it’s a different story. Easy to invite her in difficult to send her out.
I did suggest them to apply bto their own but they are just refuse too. Don’t understand why have this kind of pil keep taking their own children family for advantage
 
Did you discuss with your hubby about it?
Hi Natelie, my husband not in talking term with my mil and he just doesn't wish to communicate with them and so my mil continue to take advantages on us. They are just thinking this is a tradition to stay together with son & daughter in law, even though we always show them black face, look unhappy, also not having dinner and go out together.
 
My parent in law are control freak also, our interior designer paint my living room wall in grey, then they suddenly go and paint to orange, saying grey inauspicious for house. =(
 
My parent in law are control freak also, our interior designer paint my living room wall in grey, then they suddenly go and paint to orange, saying grey inauspicious for house. =(
You should reassert your authority as the one of the co owners of the house.Cannot let them dictate things like that.
 
My husband having some friend telling him to treasure his parents and treat them well, but they are not in our situation at all.
 
Useless after telling them not to do so, anyway I am here to express my anger, I know nothing can be done and resolve the issue.
The only people that can get things moving again are you and your husband.

We are after all outsiders and can only give suggestions.
 
Hi, I know the key person is me and my husband, but my pil refuse to listen our suggestion and insisted their way of thinking. We also don't wish to the extend that chase them out from our house because no matter what they are still my husband's parents and also they do not have own any house means they have no where to stay.
 
Hi, I know the key person is me and my husband, but my pil refuse to listen our suggestion and insisted their way of thinking. We also don't wish to the extend that chase them out from our house because no matter what they are still my husband's parents and also they do not have own any house means they have no where to stay.
Perhaps ur hubby and urself might want to consider to rent a small flat or room for them to stay?
 
Perhaps ur hubby and urself might want to consider to rent a small flat or room for them to stay?
Hi Stansy, we have suggested them to apply a bto themselves but they refused to do so.
They are just telling us they want to stay with us no matter we are happy or not cos this is the tradition =(
We can't just chase them out from house right? and ask them stay at rented place =(
 
Pat pat~ sounds tough.. from what you wrote, can tell you are very tolerant and sensible
They just want to stay in the house with you all or are also stingy with their money? Since it’s impossible to not stay with then, possible to ask them to chip in and get a bigger unit so that there will be more space for your child/children in the future?
 
Hi, my parents in law are staying in our house. they didn’t have their own house to stay as they have already sold away their house. We didn’t invite them to stay also they are just thinking is normal is a tradition

How did they end up selling their flat and moving in to stay if both you n hb do not agree and hb is not even on talking terms?
 
My parent in law are control freak also, our interior designer paint my living room wall in grey, then they suddenly go and paint to orange, saying grey inauspicious for house. =(

Wah.. this is like .. hmm... fil gets along with you all? Can’t imagine the relationship happening at home. I guess newly wed wife usually bear it down until .. but it depends on you n hb.
 
Pat pat~ sounds tough.. from what you wrote, can tell you are very tolerant and sensible
They just want to stay in the house with you all or are also stingy with their money? Since it’s impossible to not stay with then, possible to ask them to chip in and get a bigger unit so that there will be more space for your child/children in the future?
Hi yf, thank you so much for the understanding, appreciate it.
From what I know, they have made profit from their ex house and they have already spend all their money to "C" & "SP" :rolleyes:
 
How did they end up selling their flat and moving in to stay if both you n hb do not agree and hb is not even on talking terms?
Hi reddesk, Last time they are still talking term but they betray our trust.
Because they did not have enough money to pay their house loan and my husband still not income stable at that moment, so no choice they have to sell away their own house.
We also didn't invite them, they are just thinking/assume that they can just stay with us =(
 
Wah.. this is like .. hmm... fil gets along with you all? Can’t imagine the relationship happening at home. I guess newly wed wife usually bear it down until .. but it depends on you n hb.
Hi reddesk, my fil can't differentiate who is right or wrong, cos he is just listen to his wife =p
 
Hi reddesk, Last time they are still talking term but they betray our trust.
Because they did not have enough money to pay their house loan and my husband still not income stable at that moment, so no choice they have to sell away their own house.
We also didn't invite them, they are just thinking/assume that they can just stay with us =(

Someone said earlier.. easier for you to move out of their house then for you to invite them out; especially it seemed like they are at the stage of “cannot go anywhere”. What do you mean they spend their money on “C and S.P.?”

I think since your hb is unhappy about their decisions.. it should make it easier for you In future if there is any argument. Not that I hope it will happen but just in case.

Now that they already sold their house, nothing can be done. Could they have rent their rooms back then so that their moving in won’t happen?

I am sorry to say this. Though they are our parents, we do not have to live the consequences of their bad decision since they made the decision; they can’t force you to. We too live the consequences and don’t expect parents to rescue us if they don’t want to, if you know what I mean. I make it a point to tell my elders that so they know they don’t “use” us as their fallback (not all parents need this kinda of talk) since I would feel responsible to take care of them but we have our limitations so it’s being fair to everyone.

I Guess since they are already in your house.. not sure how long now.. and was there any boundaries you and hb lay for them when they stay in, you can work on that. It’s easier if these have been spelled out prior their move-in and could still be probably worked in if they are still freshly movEd-in. Else keep this in mind to draw the boundaries as and when you can. It’s going to be tough but on a longer run, everyone can play the field better and not get on everyone’s nerves. Talk to hb to have better relationships w his parents. It works out better eventually.

As for them not wanting to take care of your kid, is it just talk or actually happening? Sometimes old folks say because they want us to be responsible for our kids and not throw the kid to them. If you do have a kid, always teach the kid to respect and love the grandparents, the kid only have 2 sets of grandparents. By you telling your kid to respect them, you never know things might change wrt them, also it’s the right value to teach. The kid will grow up and see what’s the right thing to do. Just stomach the injustice meantime and it will be worth it.
 
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Hi reddesk, my fil can't differentiate who is right or wrong, cos he is just listen to his wife =p
Ok, makes it easier (looking at the bright side). He is still involved in the decision with regard to their money and their house that impact you and hb so if he is quiet, it’s probably good for all.
 
Hi Reddesk, Appreciate your advise, will be easier if I replied you in these way:

Someone said earlier.. easier for you to move out of their house then for you to invite them out; especially it seemed like they are at the stage of “cannot go anywhere”. What do you mean they spend their money on “C and S.P.?” - Casino & Singapore Pool

I think since your hb is unhappy about their decisions.. it should make it easier for you In future if there is any argument. Not that I hope it will happen but just in case. - yes that's right, my husband always sided me more because he is also can't stand the behavior of his parents.

Now that they already sold their house, nothing can be done. Could they have rent their rooms back then so that their moving in won’t happen? - well, back then they wanted to cash out the money we can't stop them to sell away their house

I am sorry to say this. Though they are our parents, we do not have to live the consequences of their bad decision since they made the decision; they can’t force you to. We too live the consequences and don’t expect parents to rescue us if they don’t want to, if you know what I mean. I make it a point to tell my elders that so they know they don’t “use” us as their fallback (not all parents need this kinda of talk) since I would feel responsible to take care of them but we have our limitations so it’s being fair to everyone. - yes I agreed and back then my husband has give in too much and people around also like to moral kidnapping e.g you have to take care & responsible to your parents etc...my husband even have friends tell him to be good to his parents because no matter what they are still my husband's parents (I laughed) They were making comment when they are not in our shoe and didnt know the situation.

I Guess since they are already in your house.. not sure how long now.. and was there any boundaries you and hb lay for them when they stay in, you can work on that. It’s easier if these have been spelled out prior their move-in and could still be probably worked in if they are still freshly movEd-in. Else keep this in mind to draw the boundaries as and when you can. It’s going to be tough but on a longer run, everyone can play the field better and not get on everyone’s nerves. Talk to hb to have better relationships w his parents. It works out better eventually. - they have moved in since long ago and they have already treated this as their own house, invite guest to stay overnight without informing us. My husband has already gave up talking to them and I also feel bad when every time I talked bad things or complaint about my pil. =( I mean Chinese always have that mindset that must respect the eldest (being moral kidnapping again). Got very one time my husband quarrel with my mil and my mil blamed me that I talked bad behind her and I destroy the relationship with her son.=/

As for them not wanting to take care of your kid, is it just talk or actually happening? Sometimes old folks say because they want us to be responsible for our kids and not throw the kid to them. If you do have a kid, always teach the kid to respect and love the grandparents, the kid only have 2 sets of grandparents. By you telling your kid to respect them, you never know things might change wrt them, also it’s the right value to teach. The kid will grow up and see what’s the right thing to do. Just stomach the injustice meantime and it will be worth it.
- It is actually happen, they are out of home everyday and come back on night time. We also don't need them to take care of kids. We prefer to take care our own.
 
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You are right that it’s easier to read like this

- Casino & Singapore Pool
:confused:
That’s sad. I understand. SP has caused a lot of pain to many families.

- yes that's right, my husband always sided me more because he is also can't stand the behavior of his parents. - both of you on the same side is good. Better to see eye to eye.

well, back then they wanted to cash out the money we can't stop them to sell away their house - I used to think that way. I won’t get another chance like in your case. But if this can start over, we as children can do something because if they will eventually stay with us, we do have a right to say something for their good. It’s not that we don’t respect them when we do, it’s because we love them for their good.

- yes I agreed and back then my husband has give in too much and people around also like to moral kidnapping e.g you have to take care & responsible to your parents etc...my husband even have friends tell him to be good to his parents because no matter what they are still my husband's parents (I laughed) They were making comment when they are not in our shoe and didnt know the situation. - yes I agree with you. That’s what I call guilt trip. They speak carelessly because they are not empathetic. I was even told I was not filial but I know what filial means more than the person who says it. When the rubber hits the road, what you do and feel in such situation exceed the weight of what people says. I didn’t laugh like you because I was actually quite torn and struggled for years but I come to this point today. So take it with a pinch of salt as long you know you did what you need to; no guilt trips. There is no need to do every whim and fancy. Nobody can.

- they have moved in since long ago and they have already treated this as their own house, invite guest to stay overnight without informing us. My husband has already gave up talking to them and I also feel bad when every time I talked bad things or complaint about my pil. =( I mean Chinese always have that mindset that must respect the eldest (being moral kidnapping again). Got very one time my husband quarrel with my mil and my mil blamed me that I talked bad behind her and I destroy the relationship with her son.=/ - I think you both are quite tolerant already. i think it’s nothing wrong to voice your thoughts to your hb if he is able to take it without both of you arguing over it. Our parents are not going to be always right like we will always be right? So respect is one thing, saying things for what they are is another thing. If you can’t say things as they are, that’s lying and living in deception. Is that healthy too? Strike a balance. You don’t sound unreasonable. Face it, no matter what happens.. it’s always the DIL, don’t feel so bad :cool: as long you know that’s not your intention.

- It is actually happen, they are out of home everyday and come back on night time. We also don't need them to take care of kids. We prefer to take care our own. - I see.. well, if that’s what you want in the first place so perfect situation ;)
 
Then how about you and husband move out? I find like this is the best way if im in your shoes. No point being so mentally tortured everyday feeling stressed over this current arrangement. I feel i would hv gone crazy facing ur situation. My 2cents. Tc.
 
i think you should ask your husband to buy a bigger house, otherwise ask him to handle his parents, maybe shift nearer them or something?
It doesn't matter the house big or small, the reason of making me angry is they sold their own house and they have spent all the money from it and insisted to live with us, doesn't care whether we are happy or agree or not, they treated our house as their own house.
 
Then how about you and husband move out? I find like this is the best way if im in your shoes. No point being so mentally tortured everyday feeling stressed over this current arrangement. I feel i would hv gone crazy facing ur situation. My 2cents. Tc.
oh well, they will insisted to shift together with us =x
 
Anyway, the more I spoke to my husband, the more he felt that I am forcing him to make a bad decision, I think I will just have to live with current situation =(
 
Anyway, the more I spoke to my husband, the more he felt that I am forcing him to make a bad decision, I think I will just have to live with current situation =(

Your husband has to make a clear decision to his mother.

My absentee and when around domestic violence father hearing I got married with my own place wanted to move in with me. He lost the flat after my mother divorced him for assault. I made it clear I don't welcome him and refused to give him my address because he will bring all his stuffs and make a scene at where I stay and work. I don't want this to affect my wife and in future become a bad influence for my children. Not even when he threatened to use the parental maintenance act.

I can't imagine the difficulties I throw my wife and children into when I allow such a person into my family.
 
i salute to you having to bear with this. how about you and hb rent a 3 rm flat and rent out your current room so to have some income?

or is here any way u can make ur pil really angry and they surrender and shift out on their own?

there was a time i lived w my mil. what i did was i went back to my mom's hse till late late (my mom bbsit my kids) and only go back to my mil to sleep. liddat i don't need to see my mil much.

all the best to u :)
 
Anyway, the more I spoke to my husband, the more he felt that I am forcing him to make a bad decision, I think I will just have to live with current situation =(

Is your husband an only child? I don't think it is healthy for you to stay in such a situation if you will always get stressed and anxious just by living with your ILs. Yes, they are still your parents and you do have to honor and respect them, but as a married couple with children, you are already a family of your own and have your own life outside your parents.

I do hope everything will work out for you in the end, whatever decision you make.
 
Is your husband an only child? I don't think it is healthy for you to stay in such a situation if you will always get stressed and anxious just by living with your ILs. Yes, they are still your parents and you do have to honor and respect them, but as a married couple with children, you are already a family of your own and have your own life outside your parents.

I do hope everything will work out for you in the end, whatever decision you make.
Hi, my husband is not the only child. He has a married brother and he is rather live with his mil instead of his own mum and their place has no room for my mil to stay.
You are right, after married we should form our own family and own life outside of parents, however, not every parents/husband can understand this especially we are on Chinese society. =)
 
i salute to you having to bear with this. how about you and hb rent a 3 rm flat and rent out your current room so to have some income?

or is here any way u can make ur pil really angry and they surrender and shift out on their own?

there was a time i lived w my mil. what i did was i went back to my mom's hse till late late (my mom bbsit my kids) and only go back to my mil to sleep. liddat i don't need to see my mil much.

all the best to u :)
Yes, we try to make my pil angry, and they finally "consider" to apply a 2 room flexi.
"consider" only, not yet take action..
 
Your husband has to make a clear decision to his mother.

My absentee and when around domestic violence father hearing I got married with my own place wanted to move in with me. He lost the flat after my mother divorced him for assault. I made it clear I don't welcome him and refused to give him my address because he will bring all his stuffs and make a scene at where I stay and work. I don't want this to affect my wife and in future become a bad influence for my children. Not even when he threatened to use the parental maintenance act.

I can't imagine the difficulties I throw my wife and children into when I allow such a person into my family.
Hi Black Bunny, my pil are not until this extend yet. At least I know they take care my husband well when he was young.
Just that I can't bare my mil is control freak, like to makes home so messy and always go visit singapore pool.. =(
 
Open question to all:

What if the husband is the only son and only child, will you allow them to stay with you?
(them: husband's parents and they are elderly and frail. Example, one has high blood and cannot walk, one need to visit the doctor regularly type)
 
Open question to all:

What if the husband is the only son and only child, will you allow them to stay with you?
(them: husband's parents and they are elderly and frail. Example, one has high blood and cannot walk, one need to visit the doctor regularly type)
Wah, the word "allow" is a bit strong. haha. but honestly, i will choose not to live together if I can. with such condition, they will most probably need someone to care for them. my choice will be to employ a helper. since it will be 3 pax in total, my hse cannot squeeze so many too. also, i will not be the caregiver as working will be my choice.

but really if no choice, what can me as a DIL say. the parents belong to my husband so it is still a duty to look after.
 
Open question to all:

What if the husband is the only son and only child, will you allow them to stay with you?
(them: husband's parents and they are elderly and frail. Example, one has high blood and cannot walk, one need to visit the doctor regularly type)


unless they are darn nice old parents, u clicked w them v well, if not, stay near, not together.

together isn't possible in this era as everyone values privacy and freedom.

as for TS, sit down w them and lay down your cards, before they spend off the monies from the sale of their house. tel them bluntly, 'anything can talk, but not stay together'. sell the house and capitalize on the opportunity of moving house.

as for the old parents, it's an old trick they have up their sleeves. emotional blackmail, they call it. keep the sales monies to themselves, territories your house make sure the 'husband side' no loss in space..

hmm.. your MIL stayed w her MIL ever?..

you have a growing family, hence, just tel them to get out while your kids are still young. if not, later drama infront of older kids, then not a good image to you.

as for husband, yes, he may side you now.. but they are blood-related. can't guarantee he won't change stand. not forgetting, his up-bringing is from your in-laws.
 
unless they are darn nice old parents, u clicked w them v well, if not, stay near, not together.

together isn't possible in this era as everyone values privacy and freedom.

as for TS, sit down w them and lay down your cards, before they spend off the monies from the sale of their house. tel them bluntly, 'anything can talk, but not stay together'. sell the house and capitalize on the opportunity of moving house.

as for the old parents, it's an old trick they have up their sleeves. emotional blackmail, they call it. keep the sales monies to themselves, territories your house make sure the 'husband side' no loss in space..

hmm.. your MIL stayed w her MIL ever?..

you have a growing family, hence, just tel them to get out while your kids are still young. if not, later drama infront of older kids, then not a good image to you.

as for husband, yes, he may side you now.. but they are blood-related. can't guarantee he won't change stand. not forgetting, his up-bringing is from your in-laws.
Hi,

my PIL has spent all their monies from the sales of their house. But after giving some pressure on them, they are agreed to purchase a 2 room flexi flat but only on certain location. As you know it is quite hard to get a 2 room flexi on popular location, so I hope the luck shine on them (or rather I would say the luck shine on me)

My MIL never stayed with her MIL before, but her mum stayed with her. She said since she allowed her mum to stay with her, her son should allowed her to stay with us as well as she treated it as a tradition. But from what I know, her mum stayed with her is because she needs her mum to take care of her son (my husband) . So she insisted on something that only benefit to herself (which is what I hated).

Yes you are right, they have blood relation. That is why my MIL used my husband's soft spot to guilt trap him. My husband did not chase them out from house even though he hates to live with them
 
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Well.. the poor chap is being sandwich in between
No choice but we have to protect our own family =)
Somemore he and his family not in good term (not talking at all).
So it is best to live separately and have our own life and freedom.
 



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