greenleaff2017
Member
Okay so this is a rant and grieviance venting to the Internet i.e. to nobody in particular and from nobody in particular. Akin to a Dear Diary, hopefully with some therapeutic benefits to myself, as well as some form of holding myself accountable to decisions that I have to make now, to increase the chances of eventually carrying home a live healthy baby. Some strong language and highly selfish posting so just stop reading if you don't like it.
Been trying to conceive for many years now. The husband is a kind soul and treats me very well, but his attitude to children is best described as Children Are Troublesome & Expensive, My Life Is Perfect As It Is, Just Get A Dog If U Fear Loneliness In Old Age, Heck Care Our Parents Avoid Chinese New Year If U Don't Like The Questions.
Anyway after >5 years of persuasion, I persuaded him to cooperate with me to go for IVF. As u ladies know, men are merely a funds donor ($) and a sperm donor wanking to get the sperm and all the discomfort of the IVF process is borne by the women. So indeed, I bore the discomfort of countless injections, blood tests, pills, ops, with very little grumbling. All the injections I do myself, and he was not present at all the visits to the fertililty doctor. And I did not ask him to go either, because I know his position where it comes to children. I want children and he does not. I just need him to cooperate with me and pay half the IVF bills.
And I succeeded in BFP on the first try. And I thought - wow ! Happy Ending! Blessed Am I ! Unfortunately at the first scan, the sac was empty. He was overseas at that time, so I whatsapped: there is no heartbeat, doc says to brace myself. And his reply was simply - OK.
I have seen him exhibit much more emotion when we rehoused our pet rabbits.
Anyway, throughout the whole IVF process he was completely disinterested in the embryo as well. Its always me to bring up my little embryo, and he never once initiated a conversation about the embryo.
Thankfully my personality type is highly analytical and sometimes a bit cold. I can compartmentalise well for a woman,despite eating tons of fertility drugs, holding a job, and pregnant and on the brink of miscarriage.
So I carried on with life. After the scan I immediately went back to work, I can still smile and make a joke. I cried a bit (I think three times) but strangely the tears were rather short like for a couple seconds? I have cried more about work stuff.
The logic is that: so what if I am sad, so what if I cry. This cannot do anything to make the sac non-empty. So what if I am devastated, there is no benefit except disruption to work. And then I will have to do the work anyway rite. Therefore I will not be too sad, I will not allow myself to mope. Feelings are a waste of time. Do something beneficial to increase your success instead of moping.
Life must carry on. A woman's success is not measured only by her fertility. (although the lack of children seems highly unacceptable for women in society) So, I must work towards maintaining and growing the good stuff I already have: job, career, parents, friends, looks, personal health, house. And I must also work towards the goal of at least one healthy child.
So I carried on in a rather cold and detached manner for a week.
But now the weekend is here and my mind is wandering. And I found myself seeking strange options.
So this is my game plan towards seeking success in children:
- At the scan next week, I expect the sac to still be empty. I will prepare myself mentally for this eventuality. Ask the doctor what are the options for ridding the nonviable embryo in the least physically and mentally traumatic way to myself.
- Instead of immediately implanting another IVF embryo. I must do things to improve my health and mental state. Because, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Therefore I resolve to do the following actions:
(1) Go back to exercise twice a week
(2) Eat more healthily and high fertility boosting foods: walnuts, avocado, pomegranates. Eat less junk such as coke and potato chips
(3) Lose 3kg to make myself happy and more beautiful
(4) Visit an English Speaking and hopefully modern TCM to diagnose any latent issues and eat whatever the TCM prescribes to boost my fertility
(5) stay kind and ladylike and maintain good relationship with my hubby. Do not allow myself to behave queerly or angrily
(6) Seek Spiritual help. Get my palm read, Ba Zi, feng shui. Pray.
(7) Carry on working hard to maintain and grow my career
(8) Count my blessings in life instead of moping about what I don't have
(9) Avoid comparing myself to highly fertile friends who already have 1,2,3,4 beautiful children in top schools. I am unique and they are unique. Don't compare.
- After this, implant the next IVF embryo
- If this still fails. Wait for Ministry of Health to approve Genetic Testing for embryos. Then go through entire IVF cycle again, cultivate embryos to 5 days to do genetic testing. Select only the healthy for storage.
- Keep trying to improve health and IVF cycles until hitting age 42.
- If still childless at 42, adopt.
This is my game plan dated 29 Jul 2017 and I WILL WORK TOWARDS ITS SUCCESS.
Greenleaff2017.
Been trying to conceive for many years now. The husband is a kind soul and treats me very well, but his attitude to children is best described as Children Are Troublesome & Expensive, My Life Is Perfect As It Is, Just Get A Dog If U Fear Loneliness In Old Age, Heck Care Our Parents Avoid Chinese New Year If U Don't Like The Questions.
Anyway after >5 years of persuasion, I persuaded him to cooperate with me to go for IVF. As u ladies know, men are merely a funds donor ($) and a sperm donor wanking to get the sperm and all the discomfort of the IVF process is borne by the women. So indeed, I bore the discomfort of countless injections, blood tests, pills, ops, with very little grumbling. All the injections I do myself, and he was not present at all the visits to the fertililty doctor. And I did not ask him to go either, because I know his position where it comes to children. I want children and he does not. I just need him to cooperate with me and pay half the IVF bills.
And I succeeded in BFP on the first try. And I thought - wow ! Happy Ending! Blessed Am I ! Unfortunately at the first scan, the sac was empty. He was overseas at that time, so I whatsapped: there is no heartbeat, doc says to brace myself. And his reply was simply - OK.
I have seen him exhibit much more emotion when we rehoused our pet rabbits.
Anyway, throughout the whole IVF process he was completely disinterested in the embryo as well. Its always me to bring up my little embryo, and he never once initiated a conversation about the embryo.
Thankfully my personality type is highly analytical and sometimes a bit cold. I can compartmentalise well for a woman,despite eating tons of fertility drugs, holding a job, and pregnant and on the brink of miscarriage.
So I carried on with life. After the scan I immediately went back to work, I can still smile and make a joke. I cried a bit (I think three times) but strangely the tears were rather short like for a couple seconds? I have cried more about work stuff.
The logic is that: so what if I am sad, so what if I cry. This cannot do anything to make the sac non-empty. So what if I am devastated, there is no benefit except disruption to work. And then I will have to do the work anyway rite. Therefore I will not be too sad, I will not allow myself to mope. Feelings are a waste of time. Do something beneficial to increase your success instead of moping.
Life must carry on. A woman's success is not measured only by her fertility. (although the lack of children seems highly unacceptable for women in society) So, I must work towards maintaining and growing the good stuff I already have: job, career, parents, friends, looks, personal health, house. And I must also work towards the goal of at least one healthy child.
So I carried on in a rather cold and detached manner for a week.
But now the weekend is here and my mind is wandering. And I found myself seeking strange options.
So this is my game plan towards seeking success in children:
- At the scan next week, I expect the sac to still be empty. I will prepare myself mentally for this eventuality. Ask the doctor what are the options for ridding the nonviable embryo in the least physically and mentally traumatic way to myself.
- Instead of immediately implanting another IVF embryo. I must do things to improve my health and mental state. Because, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Therefore I resolve to do the following actions:
(1) Go back to exercise twice a week
(2) Eat more healthily and high fertility boosting foods: walnuts, avocado, pomegranates. Eat less junk such as coke and potato chips
(3) Lose 3kg to make myself happy and more beautiful
(4) Visit an English Speaking and hopefully modern TCM to diagnose any latent issues and eat whatever the TCM prescribes to boost my fertility
(5) stay kind and ladylike and maintain good relationship with my hubby. Do not allow myself to behave queerly or angrily
(6) Seek Spiritual help. Get my palm read, Ba Zi, feng shui. Pray.
(7) Carry on working hard to maintain and grow my career
(8) Count my blessings in life instead of moping about what I don't have
(9) Avoid comparing myself to highly fertile friends who already have 1,2,3,4 beautiful children in top schools. I am unique and they are unique. Don't compare.
- After this, implant the next IVF embryo
- If this still fails. Wait for Ministry of Health to approve Genetic Testing for embryos. Then go through entire IVF cycle again, cultivate embryos to 5 days to do genetic testing. Select only the healthy for storage.
- Keep trying to improve health and IVF cycles until hitting age 42.
- If still childless at 42, adopt.
This is my game plan dated 29 Jul 2017 and I WILL WORK TOWARDS ITS SUCCESS.
Greenleaff2017.
