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Marriage In law/Loveless prob

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Ponyyune, Aug 13, 2018.

  1. Ponyyune

    Ponyyune New Member

    Ive married for six years with a son 5yrs old.I stay with in law and feel so unhappy all these years of marriage.First is the in law thing.MIL always find my husband to talk etc disturbed our 2 ppl life.There is one time where we fight and he sit outside with them until 4/5am playing mahjong.He told me his mom told him not to come in find me.She always knock on our doors and i feel she cant let go her son.And my husband too love his mother so much.But she got sick and eveything get worst..she passed away.My husband gave her all attention all these while but in my side i felt im neglected.But i let it because she was sick.But now he seems continue to be like that.And now is FIL turn.Husband always want/need to accompany him because he was alone.I told him before if there is 100percent in his heart,his work 50,family30,friends10,son 10 ,and then the 10 is for me.or maybe lesser.after work he always use the hp and not much talk to me.when i talk to him is like he is nothing to say..i feel hateful towards this marriage.my life is ruined.he even talk to the son than more than to me.and whenever i confront him,he said it was my fault.cos i always disagree with him and blackface.but the cos of blackface is all that neglection tat he gave me.when go out with me he want to be back fast and use d hp all the time..but when we hangout with frens he doesnt want to back and not use hp at all.
     


  2. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    Is he the only son/child? I guess he's very close to his parents. Especially after your MIL passed away.. He felt that he needs to have more time with his father. But he forgot that he need to balance out the time.
    Instead of him talk to you, why don't you try start topic/talk with him instead? Unless he's like one word answer kind.. If not, conversation should lead on...
     
  3. be-brave

    be-brave Member

    ditch him. take care of urself. find fun and friends. find hobbies.

    when u r happier, u can then deal with him.

    when u r up to it, u can go out with him, son and fil. that makes him happier and know that u care about what he cares. when u r feeling better, buy something for ur fil, that would surely please ur husband, and he would talk to u more. most fil r easier to get along.

    u r not dependent on him. u can take control.
     
  4. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose New Member

    Be-brave methods are worth giving a try, but it doesn't sound like he still has love for you. Have a good chat with him, and ask him whether he still wants the marriage, what he expects of you etc. Better to clear things up than leave them hanging and not sure what to do.
     
  5. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    Partly agreed with be-brave also.
    Don't 'ditch' him though as sounds..

    Instead, have some personal time yourself. Go out with friends, shopping, eat, or do whatever you want. Give yourself a break.

    For FIL side, have to understand him though. As I think probably he's very close to his parents. hence when his mother passed away, he gave his attention to his dad. Perhaps he just want to show his filial towards him as a son...

    Just bear with it for this. Since you are the one that will company him for the rest of life...
     
  6. Cindy Tay

    Cindy Tay Member

    Hi TS,

    I can understand how you feel. Was in the similar situation in the past.
    My hubby gave all his attention to his parents. My MIL doesn't really like me too and will always 'disturb' our personal life. Though they don't stay with us, but every now and then, they will suddenly pop by, and will 'force' my hubby to company them. Several occasions till late night/early morning like 3-4 am. if I want to join, she will not allow and say that I already have my hubby for all day, why can't let her have some time with him for few hours... I was like..

    Told my hubby about it, and he told me that his parents are old, and need his company. So we as children, should respect the elders....

    I did what be-brave said... One day, I dump everything behind, and went to enjoy for myself. I went 'enjoy' for 3 days straight without even returning home. When I return, my hubby flare up (cause I just went mia like that). I told him this 'You have me for months/years already. Can't I have my own personal time for just few days?' (A similar response his mum gave me) He was stunned...

    One thing have to say that, yes. Parents are old, and as children, we should spent as much time with them as possible. But we do have our own family too. And if family is important, aren't we (wife/husband) a part of the family as well?

    Have a talk to your hubby, and even how much your or his PIL dislike about one another, all the more should get together for bonding. His father he have to take care, so as you (as a daughter-in-law) have to play a part to help take care as well
     
  7. be-brave

    be-brave Member

    wow @Cindy Tay that's something. does it work? i mean anything changed after ur mia? though i don't mean mia :p i meant find ourselves first.

    ur mil's words is.....huh???


    but i do find my mil light up whenever my husband talks to her, v different when i talk to her. maybe is the mother-son bond. i also find myself enjoying private times with my son alone.

    prob should be a balance? we should allow husband to spend time alone with his parents, and we also need to join in n blend in to the family slowly.
     
  8. Cindy Tay

    Cindy Tay Member

    Yup. It somehow worked for me. Since then, I'm 'allow' to join into the conversation with them. My PIL does still pick at me at times... But definitely the relationship gets better. Probably like you mentioned, so-called 'mother-son' bonding. It does help alot as well.

    Yes. Now he have really 'personal' time with his parents (like once every two weeks) without me/kids joining. While I too have my own personal time, (friends etc) without him or kids joining as well. Because my parents aren't local, so I can't visit them every two weeks now and then. So I can only have my 'personal time' with friends instead.

    We too also had arranged for trip for both families together once a year at least. Of course I still go trip with my hubby, and his family sometimes too
     
  9. be-brave

    be-brave Member

    that's great @Cindy Tay v happy for u. though i don't think this method works for everyone :p

    i tried having both families go on a trip once and it was a disaster. after that, i tried to avoid having both families in the same room.

    so, having both families able to go on trip is not easy. it depends on the family members too. so, i'm v happy for u.
     
  10. Cindy Tay

    Cindy Tay Member

    Definitely. It don't work for everyone. It though work always for me too =D

    Well, I try to let both family go on trip together. But of course different room. It can be one apartment, but have to be different room. Otherwise it's a disaster, and we want our privacy too.

    Even during shopping, will try not to stick together as a big group. Will split to different groups. Just say a time, and place to meet for meals together will do.
     
  11. lindang33

    lindang33 New Member

    Have u tried talking to your husband about how neglected you feel? Wish you all the best
     
  12. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose New Member

    Pony I think it still depends on how you feel towards him. If you still love him, then try to be better to him. Be nice to him, change your attitude to be softer and not caring for him, and see if it works. Sometimes we males are like that. When you become nicer to him he may rethink his attitude towards you and may turn to be nicer to. But of course if your efforts are not reciprocated then just have to give up.
     
  13. letricia

    letricia New Member

    Since you already went through so much when your mil was around, don't right up. Time with fil is temporary or short. Try to find activities you can all be engaged in together. Rethink of your hubby's strength and when you change your perception, you will show yourself more positive towards him and he will once again be attracted to you. Don't give up.
     

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