Life after divorce - what is it like?

Mine was finalised in feb n same like you, he has a china woman. Whats difficult for me is that we hv been married for 30 yrsn seldom quarrel so until today i still cannot accept what has happened. I'm already in my 50s so it is really difficult to adjust to being alone. I can never forgive him.
 


Mine was finalised in feb n same like you, he has a china woman. Whats difficult for me is that we hv been married for 30 yrsn seldom quarrel so until today i still cannot accept what has happened. I'm already in my 50s so it is really difficult to adjust to being alone. I can never forgive him.
Hi Eatingmealive, am sorry tt u are in this platform. how long was the affair & how did u discover this?
 
Mine was finalised in feb n same like you, he has a china woman. Whats difficult for me is that we hv been married for 30 yrsn seldom quarrel so until today i still cannot accept what has happened. I'm already in my 50s so it is really difficult to adjust to being alone. I can never forgive him.

It must be painful for you. Take time to heal
 
Hi Eatingmealive, am sorry tt u are in this platform. how long was the affair & how did u discover this?
Less than a yr when i discovered. Coming home late every night n i went thru his things n found that he has a massage spa biz with this china woman. Initially insisted its biz only. Then i found out he bought her a 5k diamond ring n he said its to reward her for running the biz. He thinks im a fool. In the end he admitted. Seems stuck - like everyday i just keep thinking about this. How to move past this stage? Thinking of enrolling for the divorce support counselling at AWARE. Any idea if its helpful?
 
Less than a yr when i discovered. Coming home late every night n i went thru his things n found that he has a massage spa biz with this china woman. Initially insisted its biz only. Then i found out he bought her a 5k diamond ring n he said its to reward her for running the biz. He thinks im a fool. In the end he admitted. Seems stuck - like everyday i just keep thinking about this. How to move past this stage? Thinking of enrolling for the divorce support counselling at AWARE. Any idea if its helpful?

Hi, give yourself time to grieve. Took me in about less than one year to get better. My ex had an affair with a PRC too. Treat that this is your 2nd chance to rebuild your life and live the life that you always want. Things will get better.
 
Less than a yr when i discovered. Coming home late every night n i went thru his things n found that he has a massage spa biz with this china woman. Initially insisted its biz only. Then i found out he bought her a 5k diamond ring n he said its to reward her for running the biz. He thinks im a fool. In the end he admitted. Seems stuck - like everyday i just keep thinking about this. How to move past this stage? Thinking of enrolling for the divorce support counselling at AWARE. Any idea if its helpful?

Aren’t you happy that for the next twenty years or so assuming you can live till 70+, you are not going to face all these rubbish anymore?

You should look forward instead of thinking back.
 
My final decision going to come tmr. As his family and I will be having a final talk with him. To see how to resolve it. Either he choose the mistress or this family. It is very heart breaking feel like I am going to die soon .... I would rather he really use a real knife to stab at me rather than torturing me in this manner. If not have my girl I would have lose my sanity
 
My final decision going to come tmr. As his family and I will be having a final talk with him. To see how to resolve it. Either he choose the mistress or this family. It is very heart breaking feel like I am going to die soon .... I would rather he really use a real knife to stab at me rather than torturing me in this manner. If not have my girl I would have lose my sanity

Your family is not joining?
 
Less than a yr when i discovered. Coming home late every night n i went thru his things n found that he has a massage spa biz with this china woman. Initially insisted its biz only. Then i found out he bought her a 5k diamond ring n he said its to reward her for running the biz. He thinks im a fool. In the end he admitted. Seems stuck - like everyday i just keep thinking about this. How to move past this stage? Thinking of enrolling for the divorce support counselling at AWARE. Any idea if its helpful?

Like what Eppy said.. It's better to find out now, than to face it in later stage.
You can try out conselling though. Hopefully it can help both of you.
It really depend on individual if counselling may or may not help.
Look towards the bright side!


My final decision going to come tmr. As his family and I will be having a final talk with him. To see how to resolve it. Either he choose the mistress or this family. It is very heart breaking feel like I am going to die soon .... I would rather he really use a real knife to stab at me rather than torturing me in this manner. If not have my girl I would have lose my sanity

Jiayou babe...
 
Less than a yr when i discovered. Coming home late every night n i went thru his things n found that he has a massage spa biz with this china woman. Initially insisted its biz only. Then i found out he bought her a 5k diamond ring n he said its to reward her for running the biz. He thinks im a fool. In the end he admitted. Seems stuck - like everyday i just keep thinking about this. How to move past this stage? Thinking of enrolling for the divorce support counselling at AWARE. Any idea if its helpful?
Hi I attended this support group last year before my divorce. It was a support group created for about 7/8 people for people going through separation or divorce. Is more of a sharing session for the group.
 
My final decision going to come tmr. As his family and I will be having a final talk with him. To see how to resolve it. Either he choose the mistress or this family. It is very heart breaking feel like I am going to die soon .... I would rather he really use a real knife to stab at me rather than torturing me in this manner. If not have my girl I would have lose my sanity
Jia you
 
Like what Eppy said.. It's better to find out now, than to face it in later stage.
You can try out conselling though. Hopefully it can help both of you.
It really depend on individual if counselling may or may not help.
Look towards the bright side!




Jiayou babe...
thanks Jan
 
No because I will like to have the final putcome before I inform my own family. I do not want them to worry.

Then you be mentally prepared. No matter what, his family is not your family. They will somehow side him.
Anyway you take care.
 
Hi Librababy, in all fairness to yourself I urge u to have ur family side involve. Ultimately, u need their support too no matter what’s the outcome.
 
Less than a yr when i discovered. Coming home late every night n i went thru his things n found that he has a massage spa biz with this china woman. Initially insisted its biz only. Then i found out he bought her a 5k diamond ring n he said its to reward her for running the biz. He thinks im a fool. In the end he admitted. Seems stuck - like everyday i just keep thinking about this. How to move past this stage? Thinking of enrolling for the divorce support counselling at AWARE. Any idea if its helpful?
I’m still grieving even tho it is coming 1 yr. am still feeling miserable, sad & life is so different ever since
 
Hi I attended this support group last year before my divorce. It was a support group created for about 7/8 people for people going through separation or divorce. Is more of a sharing session for the group.
Thanks for your reply. If its just a sharing session n not so much on coping skills then i may not want to register
 
Like what Eppy said.. It's better to find out now, than to face it in later stage.
You can try out conselling though. Hopefully it can help both of you.
It really depend on individual if counselling may or may not help.
Look towards the bright side!
Thanks janlim for yr kind encouragement



Jiayou babe...
 
I know.. I truly wanting to let go of everything & move on but it’s so tough tt every now & then it just come back to haunt me
 
I feel the same as you. The whole thing just gets repeated in yr mind in circles.

Both of you should strive to live better than before so that your ex will know what he is missing. Be brave be strong thank God that you leave a man not worthy of your remaining time and effort. Travel, do volunteer work it will open your eyes n realized your predicament not that bad after all!! Go and enjoy your life, shopping, exercise, spa pamper yourself then you will know actually you used to be so unkind to yourself. Learn a new hobby and skill then you know actually you are capable.
 
Both of you should strive to live better than before so that your ex will know what he is missing. Be brave be strong thank God that you leave a man not worthy of your remaining time and effort. Travel, do volunteer work it will open your eyes n realized your predicament not that bad after all!! Go and enjoy your life, shopping, exercise, spa pamper yourself then you will know actually you used to be so unkind to yourself. Learn a new hobby and skill then you know actually you are capable.
Really appreciate you n yr encouragement. Thanks.
 
Both of you should strive to live better than before so that your ex will know what he is missing. Be brave be strong thank God that you leave a man not worthy of your remaining time and effort. Travel, do volunteer work it will open your eyes n realized your predicament not that bad after all!! Go and enjoy your life, shopping, exercise, spa pamper yourself then you will know actually you used to be so unkind to yourself. Learn a new hobby and skill then you know actually you are capable.
Hi Eppy, am not divorce. He begged for forgiveness & chance to proof himself tt he wants the marriage & the family. He confessed to our kids when I left home.
I acknowledge tt he had been remorseful of his mistake but it’s so freaking difficult to forget (to be honest I dun even know have I forgive him).

I’ve attended counseling but of no use. At times I really do wanting to ask for a break from each other to sort out our thought about this relationship but he refuses to...

I am really at my wit as how can I move on for the sake of our well being & not to be suspicious of his whereabouts

I hope to get valuable advise from this forum, thank you
 
Then you be mentally prepared. No matter what, his family is not your family. They will somehow side him.
Anyway you take care.

Hi Eppy, their family is with me and is not siding him. But what most important is whether this man still have heart to return to this family or not.
 
I know.. I truly wanting to let go of everything & move on but it’s so tough tt every now & then it just come back to haunt me
Hi Stansy,

I understand how you feel. The feelings is eating you up slowly and draining all your strength. You have kids?
 
Hi Eppy, am not divorce. He begged for forgiveness & chance to proof himself tt he wants the marriage & the family. He confessed to our kids when I left home.
I acknowledge tt he had been remorseful of his mistake but it’s so freaking difficult to forget (to be honest I dun even know have I forgive him).

I’ve attended counseling but of no use. At times I really do wanting to ask for a break from each other to sort out our thought about this relationship but he refuses to...

I am really at my wit as how can I move on for the sake of our well being & not to be suspicious of his whereabouts

I hope to get valuable advise from this forum, thank you


Do you want to try counselling for the both of you. Maybe it might helps.
 
Both of you should strive to live better than before so that your ex will know what he is missing. Be brave be strong thank God that you leave a man not worthy of your remaining time and effort. Travel, do volunteer work it will open your eyes n realized your predicament not that bad after all!! Go and enjoy your life, shopping, exercise, spa pamper yourself then you will know actually you used to be so unkind to yourself. Learn a new hobby and skill then you know actually you are capable.

Thanks Eppy for the encouragement.
 
Hi Eppy, am not divorce. He begged for forgiveness & chance to proof himself tt he wants the marriage & the family. He confessed to our kids when I left home.
I acknowledge tt he had been remorseful of his mistake but it’s so freaking difficult to forget (to be honest I dun even know have I forgive him).

I’ve attended counseling but of no use. At times I really do wanting to ask for a break from each other to sort out our thought about this relationship but he refuses to...

I am really at my wit as how can I move on for the sake of our well being & not to be suspicious of his whereabouts

I hope to get valuable advise from this forum, thank you

1) what kind of person is the third party? Are they still together?

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.

3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.

To do 2-3, you need to be alone meaning REALLY ALONE. No work, no phone calls no children no him no one else. Park yourself at a staycation.

Do the above first at least your thoughts are clearer.

You think counselling does not help it’s because most people think counselling is to give you a solution but actually no, it’s to guide you to find your own solutions cuz everyone has different issues n they need to be comfortable with the solution n as well as providing a listening ear.
 
Hi Eppy, much thanks for your advice given:-
1) what kind of person is the third party?
She’s fucking CB Ah Tiong, her daughter is studying here (pri sch) Are they still together? I hope not as he promised no such stupid mistake made (not am unsure)

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.
Yes, he did share w me his HP PW but who knows there are 1001 means & ways to manipulate things
3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.
He’s a good son/father/brother. Which is something that am still unbelievable that this can happened, am

To do 2-3, you need to be alone meaning REALLY ALONE. No work, no phone calls no children no him no one else. Park yourself 1) what kind of person is the third party? Are they still together?

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.

3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.
 
Hi Eppy, much thanks for your advice given:-
1) what kind of person is the third party?
She’s fucking CB Ah Tiong, her daughter is studying here (pri sch) Are they still together? I hope not as he promised no such stupid mistake made (not am unsure)

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.
Yes, he did share w me his HP PW but who knows there are 1001 means & ways to manipulate things
3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.
He’s a good son/father/brother. Which is something that am still unbelievable that this can happened, am

To do 2-3, you need to be alone meaning REALLY ALONE. No work, no phone calls no children no him no one else. Park yourself 1) what kind of person is the third party? Are they still together?

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.

3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.

Study mama...
 
Hi Eppy, much thanks for your advice given:-
1) what kind of person is the third party?
She’s fucking CB Ah Tiong, her daughter is studying here (pri sch) Are they still together? I hope not as he promised no such stupid mistake made (not am unsure)

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.
Yes, he did share w me his HP PW but who knows there are 1001 means & ways to manipulate things
3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.
He’s a good son/father/brother. Which is something that am still unbelievable that this can happened, am

To do 2-3, you need to be alone meaning REALLY ALONE. No work, no phone calls no children no him no one else. Park yourself 1) what kind of person is the third party? Are they still together?

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.

3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.

Rather than 1 sided, make it an effort from both side. It would be easier as your hub is willing to work on the marriage.

Segregate it into 2 issues.

Issue 1, himself: yes, he has to be very very assuring. In terms of actions, words, etc. He has a good fatherly attitude, etc

Issue 2, you and him: if it's an EMA, he was in pursue of something that he lacked in his relationship w u.

One of the foundation to good marriage is healthy relationship w spouses. You may want to concentrate more on him. If u find it difficult to do so, it might reflect your waning love on him. you may want to do a self check.

As hard as it maybe to be betrayed and stay w the person who betrayed u, since u hv made the choice, giv it a shot.

If u felt short changed over the decision (to stay), then just leave. No issue. The issue here is 'have u tried?'.

Only time will heal. Yes, u hv bn hurt. Hence u will embrace, become stronger and move on.

Learn to love him again. With healthy relationship, everything will fall in place.
 
Rather than 1 sided, make it an effort from both side. It would be easier as your hub is willing to work on the marriage.

Segregate it into 2 issues.

Issue 1, himself: yes, he has to be very very assuring. In terms of actions, words, etc. He has a good fatherly attitude, etc

Issue 2, you and him: if it's an EMA, he was in pursue of something that he lacked in his relationship w u.

One of the foundation to good marriage is healthy relationship w spouses. You may want to concentrate more on him. If u find it difficult to do so, it might reflect your waning love on him. you may want to do a self check.

As hard as it maybe to be betrayed and stay w the person who betrayed u, since u hv made the choice, giv it a shot.

If u felt short changed over the decision (to stay), then just leave. No issue. The issue here is 'have u tried?'.

Only time will heal. Yes, u hv bn hurt. Hence u will embrace, become stronger and move on.

Learn to love him again. With healthy relationship, everything will fall in place.
Hi Mongkok, thank you so much for your enlightenment. I do still love him dearly is just that the emotion keeps gg round & round & on and off doubts his sincerity & his whereabouts.
Reasoning being is am afraid to be hurt again
 
Hi Eppy, much thanks for your advice given:-
1) what kind of person is the third party?
She’s fucking CB Ah Tiong, her daughter is studying here (pri sch) Are they still together? I hope not as he promised no such stupid mistake made (not am unsure)

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.
Yes, he did share w me his HP PW but who knows there are 1001 means & ways to manipulate things
3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.
He’s a good son/father/brother. Which is something that am still unbelievable that this can happened, am

To do 2-3, you need to be alone meaning REALLY ALONE. No work, no phone calls no children no him no one else. Park yourself 1) what kind of person is the third party? Are they still together?

2) Write down what is it that you cannot forget and forgive. The write down what will make you try to forgive and give another shot. I give you an example, to be able to slowly trust him again, I want him to give me password to his phone.

3) Write down his good and bad points besides the affair.



Stansy,

You need to be ALONE to do this exercise, take time to do it there’s no rush. If you don’t do these you cannot move to the next step.

My initial thoughts when i read your reply, you are unable to let go of “hatred” even after close to 1 year, you still cannot accept the “truth”, you have security issues.


You can expand more on Question 2 and 3.
 
Stansy,

You need to be ALONE to do this exercise, take time to do it there’s no rush. If you don’t do these you cannot move to the next step.

My initial thoughts when i read your reply, you are unable to let go of “hatred” even after close to 1 year, you still cannot accept the “truth”, you have security issues.


You can expand more on Question 2 and 3.
You do not need to show what you have written here.
You can pm me once done, I do not need to see what you have written too.
 
I've discovered my soon-to-be-ex's affair about a month ago, then things move so fast, he wanted to divorce and moved out. We have two kids, the youngest one is only 2yo. I've since then taking care the two kids all by myself and feeling so tired (he only agree to fetch the kids from childcare and have dinner with them before sending home once a week). I didn't see this coming, i tot we were all good but it happens too sudden. I'm so helpless now but I also need i need to be strong for the kids. What hurt me most is he doesn't feel remorseful at all, I have so much anger and hatred in me now, how can he still having his happy life now while i'm the biggest victim and did nothing wrong.
 
I've discovered my soon-to-be-ex's affair about a month ago, then things move so fast, he wanted to divorce and moved out. We have two kids, the youngest one is only 2yo. I've since then taking care the two kids all by myself and feeling so tired (he only agree to fetch the kids from childcare and have dinner with them before sending home once a week). I didn't see this coming, i tot we were all good but it happens too sudden. I'm so helpless now but I also need i need to be strong for the kids. What hurt me most is he doesn't feel remorseful at all, I have so much anger and hatred in me now, how can he still having his happy life now while i'm the biggest victim and did nothing wrong.

Do you have a lawyer? Are you working? Is he still paying the bills?
 
Do you have a lawyer? Are you working? Is he still paying the bills?

No, I havent engage a lawyer, I'm working and even before this I was the one foot more than half the bill back home, now he is paying what he paid just like before but I told him no, he need to pay more considering now I'm the main/sole caretaker of the kids and he need to pay more than 50% of the kids expenses, does this make sense when we contest for divorce?
 
No, I havent engage a lawyer, I'm working and even before this I was the one foot more than half the bill back home, now he is paying what he paid just like before but I told him no, he need to pay more considering now I'm the main/sole caretaker of the kids and he need to pay more than 50% of the kids expenses, does this make sense when we contest for divorce?

You earn more than him and you contribute more to the family, am I correct?

I think it’s best that you look for a lawyer immediately and don’t wait.
 
You earn more than him and you contribute more to the family, am I correct?

I think it’s best that you look for a lawyer immediately and don’t wait.

our salary are on-par but he spend a lot in her drinking, smoking and even prostitute (which I just found out after the expose) hence he always tell me he has no money and make me pay most of the bill.

If we are earning the same, is that high chance I can get him to pay 60-70% of the children maintenance?
 


our salary are on-par but he spend a lot in her drinking, smoking and even prostitute (which I just found out after the expose) hence he always tell me he has no money and make me pay most of the bill.

If we are earning the same, is that high chance I can get him to pay 60-70% of the children maintenance?

No.
So it’s best to find a lawyer ASAP. And keep ALL RECEIPTS everything just sign on CREDIT CARD.
 

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