!Jealous Sibling: Need Advise

ah_ching

New Member
Hi, I have recently delivered to my 2nd BB and my elder one is behaving terribly.

He'll beat me and refuses his milk and food.
He'll also kick his mei mei.

He cries and throw tantrums all the time.

I'm alone at home with the 2 kids and my elder's behaviour is driving me crazy.
It leads to me beating him or scolding him all the time altho I try to control my temper.
He'll cry harder when I ignore his tantrums.

Seeing him cry so pitiful really make me heart pain but a part of me just want him to go away.

Pls help..
 


blubberish

Member
Sounds like you're having a tough time here... Is there someone who can help you once in while for now?

How old is your boy? Is he still quite young? He may not understand the loss of attention from you since i would imagine that you might be his main caregiver in the past and can give him attention. What are his tantrums about? Can share more?

In terms of not wanting milk and food, leave him. He will eat when he's hungry enough. You dun have to force him to eat. Did you also teach him how you want him to touch mei mei? He may not know if he's a young child.

Would really recommend that you find someone to come in for a couple of hours to help you manage things. It does not seem good for you to be alone at home for the whole day...
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hi Hannah, Thanks for responding..
I'm really at my wits end.

my elder boy is 20 months old and I put him in full day CC.
so i can still remain sane in the day.

The prob starts when I fetch him from CC ard 5.30.
The only words he will tell me now is No No No and No. accompanied with eyes like tap.
His hand will automatically hit me when he does not get his wish.
But when I try to ask him what he wants, he cant seem to tell me.

E.g. He'll bring his DVD and ask me to on but when I on the disc he'll tell me 'no no' and cry loudly.
when I ask him what he wants he just keep repeating 'no no'.
but when I turn off the disc he'll also cry..
cant figure out what he wants.

His only response to anything I try like feeding, giving milk or bathing or reading , his fav past time with me previously is 'no no' and crying followed by hitting me.

I have showed him to be gentle with mei mei and allows him to hold her feet..
but when I try to bf her, he'll cry no no and try to hit mei mei and me..

my son is also teething at the moment so makes matters worse cos he is feeling irritable and pain.

There's nobody to help me at night as hubby is also not ard..

My son also screams and cries no no in his sleep..
he used to sleep thru the night but he is waking every 2 hours now, screaming and crying..
sometimes he'll go back to sleep.. but usually ard 3 am he'll wake up and cant go back to sleep until after 1 to 2 hours.
so now he also got panda eyes.
 

blubberish

Member
Ok, my daughter is 22 months and i can understand the frustration coz they can't communicate what they want and they also dunno how to manage their emotions.

It does seem that he is very distressed by what he can't say. Did you start him on childcare before or after mei mei was born? Maybe he feels the loss of time that he used to spend with you and has to share with mei mei now.

In terms of the dvd, what would you do in the past that's different now? As in, did you used to sit with him to watch it together and now you can't coz of mei mei?

Sometimes, kids are just overwhelmed and they need some comforting... Your husband works at night? Do you know of any neighbours who can help you babysit mei mei for abt 1/2-1 hour while you spend some time holding and cuddling your boy? Alternatively, leave mei mei for some time and then spend some exclusive time with him. I noted that once, my girl threw a tantrum and while she was angry with me, she also seemed relieved that I went to her and hugged her. Maybe he needs that too?

I'm also wondering how he is at childcare. Is he ok there? Were there things that happened that he doesn't know how to tell you? Engage the help of the CC teacher to inform you of anything that's happening over there.

I know this is a really trying time but you really need to keep calm. When your boy senses your calmness, he will also eventually catch on and not react so much. Hope this helps.
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hi Hannah,
I started my boy is CC 3 weeks before mei mei arrived.
Before that he is with a nanny since I had to work.. the time we spent together is still the same.

In terms of the DVD, he used to like to watch any disc that I turn on for him.
I'll prepare his dinner while he watch on his own, then I'll give him dinner and bath.
There's no change to his routine.. which I try hard to maintain.
So I'm not sure why he's behaving like that..

My husband works throughout the day as he is doing his own biz.. so he's only home after children sleeps.
My son will also be very happy if I hug him when he throws tantrum.. but becos I need to bf, so sometimes must carry mei mei..

the childcare teachers have all been giving excellent reports and comments abt my son.
my son enjoys CC and refuses to come home when I go fetch him.. sigh.

I've tried asking the experienced teachers and they also advise me to keep calm instead of being fierce to him during this period.

I think I'll try my best.. cos actually I'm still in confinment so maybe that's why sometimes cant control emotion..

everyone told me to tolerate my son's behaviour during pregnancy.. they say it will improve after I deliver..
but situation does not seem to improve.

I just afraid if I keep tolerating, he'll not learn what's the right behaviour.. that's why thinking of getting professional help

I think I really must plan some 1-1 time with him.. but it's not possible for now. cos I cant return home as my mother pantang.
my ILs also cant help..

do u think if I enrol in some classes during weekend and attend with him the situation will improve? while I leave mei mei with someone else?
 

blubberish

Member
Oh... I can understand the stress since you're still in confinement and need to help mei mei establish some routine as well...

I think we have to understand that children will try all means to get our attention and even if it's a negative attention they're getting, they prob feel it's better than none at all. So i'd suggest that you might want to direct him to do what you want him to do. So instead of telling him NOT to do something, tell him what you want him to do and praise him for it. Also, look out for times when he does something well and let him know you're pleased with it. When he tantrums, you could hug him and tell him that you know that he's frustrated but he doesn't know how to tell you. Let him know how he can tell you of his frustrations (if you manage to identify it) and then move him to another activity.

I guess having time with him, no matter what you are doing, would be a good idea. I find that going to the playground with my daughter is a good way to bond with her and also to let her have some time to release her energies.

Got any friends who can come in once in a while to just help you or look see the kids while you rest and recharge? It's really impt since you're also "bu-ing" your energy back.

Jiayou Ah Ching! It's not easy juggling with 2 kids on your own but i know you will try. =)
 

blubberish

Member
p/s: Have you tried using a sling to carry mei mei so that you have 2 hands free to manage your son if you have to? I've been using slings to carry my #1 out when she was younger and I find them really useful.
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hannah, thanks for your suggestions.
Will try to bring him out once I finish my confinement, which is another 2+ weeks.

I used a sling or carrier for my bb when I bring my son to CC. But I find that NB too small.
Even with sling or carrier also very unstable. Her neck will be lolling ard.
Thinking of getting the sleepy wrap.

Yesterday I put my gal in the bassinet in the living room while I did the sleep routine with my son in the room.
He seemed happier.. but mei mei started to cry from hunger ard 9 pm which is kor kor's sleep time.
So end up revert back to his tantrum.
So I think he is really trying to get my attention.

I think I will try to arrange some help during the weekend... on a weekly basis.
Hope that my son will grow up and become more dong shi..
 

blubberish

Member
Heh... They will eventually... and so will mei mei, who will become more independent as well... Jia you!

Talking abt sleepywrap, where do you stay? I bought one in anticipation of use with my #2 but i can't seem to get the hang of it. If you stay ard sengkang area, i could pass to you so you could use first. Let me know ya?
 

ah_ching

New Member
wow Hannah, are you expecting now?

I live in Yishun. regarding sleepy wrap, my fren has offered to give it to me as a full month gift hee hee..
anyway, I'm anticipating lotsa leaked diapers so pai seh to use yours too.

you can go view the video on how to use it.. must practice lor. pratice makes perfect.
Same as the sling. first few times very awkward,
then after daily using become pro liao.

I was using Pikkolo when my number 1 turned 8 months so now out of practice with the sling too.
must practice and practice.
 

blubberish

Member
Yep! Heh... so i'm also expecting things to be difficult in the beginning... THat's y i got confinement lady and a maid to help out. Cannot imagine doing what you are doing. *salute!*

Ah... I can tie it but still awkward la... I'll see how. I have a baby pouch that i used with #1 that I'm going to recycle and also have a beco butterfly... Hahhahaa... I'm all for handsfree carrying of babies... =)
 

mrs_n

New Member
Ah Ching I can totally empathise with your situation. My #1 was exactly the same after my #2 was born. Tantrums, crying for no reason, can't decide what he wants etc etc. Can really try your patience. I agree with Hannah that spending one to one time with your older child is so important at this time. They are still little themselves and having a new sibling is such a big change in their lives. I was lucky that my mum was around to help. She used to look after the baby while I took my older son to playgroup twice a week. It's during these times when we were together that made it seem like old times when it was only just 'him and me'. But as soon as we got home the tantrums start and he'll sometimes hit his baby brother for no rhyme or reason. I tried a time out with him where I put him in the playpen each time he hits his brother. It seems to work though he cried his heart out everytime I did it.

8 mths down the road, things have settled down. My older one has learnt that baby isn't here to replace him so is a lot more confident and is actually very fond of his little brother.

At the beginning it can be all so daunting but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, just shower both with lots of love and attention. We all have to go through this difficult period but you'll survive you'll see.
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hi Mrs N,
Thanks for your encouragement and sharing.

I tried Hannah's suggestion last night and things seemed to have improved.
I also cut down on his TV time as suggested by another mummy in the Jun09 thread.

I tried to spend time with him and left mei mei in the bassinet.
Adjusted her feeding time a little.
he threw less tantrum but still refused his food.
He has lost quite a bit of weight just over the last 4 days..

I guess will just have to wait for him to accept mei mei..
 

blubberish

Member
Wow... That was fast. =)

Don't worry too much abt the food intake. He will eventually gain back. Anyway, his tummy will be hungry if he doesn't take anything so he will naturally eat after a while.

Jiayou! Things are getting better! =)
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hannah: Last night was also better..
but my boy started screaming in the middle of the night again.

This morning he woke up crying..

I think such things really need patience. Luckily my hubby coming back today.

I got my sleepy wrap yesterday liao.
Used it already.. but think I still dont know how to tie, my gal was sagging when I left home.
but she was very snug when the SA tie for me yesterday..
Think must yan jiu a bit more.

Verdict, at least my gal's head not rolling ard now.

BTw: when are you due?
 

blubberish

Member
Wow... That's great! My girl has also been fussing quite a bit at night for the past few months and we think it's just something they go through..

Ya, needs lots of patience. Good thing he can come and help you! =)

That's the thing abt the sleepy wrap lor... I keep tying and it never seems to be tight enough. I agree that we must practice more. Will see how, might just use back my old pupsik pouch.

I'm due late April/early May. At least i'll know what to expect this time. I had a horrid time with #1 coz me and hubby were caring for her at night alone. Then when she started crying and refused to sleep, I was just so exhausted having to coax her... Haiz. Nvm, should be better this time. =)
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hannah: my boy also fussed in the night, and still do now..

Dont worry abt the time when u deliver.. for me, it was so not stressful. I handled my NB with ease.
also I try to put my gal down to sleep without rocking or patting or coaxing..
i also co-sleep with her and bf on demand..
but now she's older, I give her pacifier to help her go to sleep.

now is the honeymoon time during pregnancy. Enjoy the time.. will you be trying for a 3rd?
 

blubberish

Member
That really sounds comforting. =)

Haha... Starting to get heavy and I'm also more tired...

#3?!?!?!!?! *shudder* Heh... I guess I'll decide after #2 comes out.
 

blubberish

Member
Aiya... It's really up to you. If you decide to have another one, who can stop you? heh...

How are things these days?
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hello, happy belated Valentine.
It has been crazy last few days as No. 1 was at home.
Super tired, finally got time to use internet.

my boy is still throwing tantrums but he seems to be slowly accepting his little sister..

I cant have No. 3 liao.. cos financially cant.
if I have I'm sure my family will nag my ears off or advise me to give up
 

blubberish

Member
Happy belated Valentine's day! =)

Can understand la... Just like we had 9 months to get used to the idea that we're having a bb, i'm sure your boy also needs some time to adjust to the fact that mei mei is finally here and taking up mummy's time!

Haiz... Finances is also my concern la... Somemore I'm planning to re-join the workforce in 2 years' time. But also have this naggy feeling that i SHOULD have a boy... Aiya... I'm too traditional for my own good... =)
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hannah: No la.. I'm sure we always want to have BB from both the sexes..
when we have gal, then we want boy for next pregnancy. It is just normal.

So currently you are SAHM?
I am now on ML but feel that SAHM very boring.
 

blubberish

Member
Nope, not yet. Trying to finish my work then next week will officially be SAHM. =)

I know what you mean... I tahan-ed being a SAHM for my #1 for 6 months before i threw in thr towel... So boring! And bb somemore cannot talk to you or entertain you, then frens all working... This time i shall try to be more active on the forums. Maybe things will be better? Haha...
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hannah: This week you'll be SAHM liao.
My gal has turned 1 month old, it seems that time flies.

my boy has also started to accept his mei mei.
He would request to hug her and kiss her.
So happy
 

blubberish

Member
Hi Ah Ching! Was wondering if you were getting on well. So happy to hear about your boy accepting mei mei! Looks like all your efforts and patience paid off. Well done! =)

In 2+ months, i hope i can handle my 2 kids as well as you are doing now. Let's jiayou together! =)
 

ah_ching

New Member
Hannah: jia you.
No matter what difficult times we face, it's just temporary.
I always encourage myself that children will grow up so frustrated also just for these few months/years...

Anyway, I have ended confinement liao..
still have some leftover things, wonder if you want them?
1 pack kotex adhesive maternity pad.
4 packets of cotton balls from NTUC
few packs of Da Feng Cao

Would you like to have them? Can pass to you
 

ah_ching

New Member
Anyway, I am getting stiff neck and shoulder aches and back aches using the sleepy wrap..
Dont have this prob when I was using sling or Pikkolo previously..
wonder the prob lies with me or the wrap..
 

blubberish

Member
Wow... sounds good. But how to collect from you?

Hmmmm.... maybe it's also having to attend to the needs of #1? I imagine you must have to do more bending and also exert more energy with him around... How many hours do you use the sleepy wrap? Could it be that it's used for long hours?
 

ah_ching

New Member
I use the sleepy wrap when I go out..
usually for abt 2 hours when I go fetch my son from CC.

yest from morning 9 am to abt afternoon 4 pm.. cos went many places.

I can sent the things to u at sengkang cos got bus 925 from yishun. very convenient.u're expecting a gal?
 

blubberish

Member
Ooohhh... Maybe that's y. Coz even sling can cause quite a bit of pain when i use it for too long.

You sure you wanna send it over?Since you have both kids with you... Might make more sense for me to go and collect frm you at Woodlands. I got helper ma... she can help me jaga my kid. =)
 

ah_ching

New Member
If I meet u weekday then only bring 1 baby..

now you shen wai liu jia convenient to travel?
anyway, I live in Yishun Central not woodlands.

if u wanna go causeway point shopping then I can meet u there also or compasspoint also no prob for me.

u see how lor, let me know..
 

ah_ching

New Member
hannah: am going back to work tomorrow.. wonder how you are coping without your maid.

ms have dropped drastically hope I can pump enuf for my gal daily needs
 

sue_mei

New Member
i'll share something my cousin taught me years ago:
give a present to the older child from the younger child. i bought a present that my girl wanted very much when i presented it to her at home, I told her that her baby brother got it for her. She was very happy.
 

kzy8

New Member
hi sue mei,

i used that as well... worked well for me too. My eldest son start to look at his sister when we told him it's a gift given from his mei mei...
 

Top