In law and helper woes after birth

Vivaforever3112

New Member
Just wondering for working mums who let your in laws and/or helper to take care of your kid, how did u deal with the insecurities of your child growing closer to them instead of you?

My daughter seems to prefer my helper - she stops crying and falls asleep when my helper carries her. Doesn't help that my in laws recognize that helper can calm baby down better than I do, and would auto pass my kid to helper instead of me when she cries.

I read forums saying that the kid will eventually grow closer to mum as they grow older. Is this true? Anyone with similar experoence, pls share! I am feeling very sad seeing my own kid prefer others than her own mother... I stopped latching n pumping milk to bottle feed her. So I lost the latching time to bond too....
 


With a helper around, it is difficult to manage how much interaction there is between the helper and the child unless you set some ground rules.

To reduce the chances of our son growing dependent on our helper, we avoid letting her take care of him directly, if possible. Until today, we have not let her carry him at all, and she mostly helps out grandparents, instead of looking after him on her own.

Our situation may not be the same. Perhaps you can share your concerns with your husband, and see if you can work out some arrangements that can address your concerns.

However, putting the helper aside, do you feel that your kid is close to you? For example, are you able to recognise her cries and what she wants? What does she like and dislike? If yes, you have nothing to worry about. If not, perhaps you may want to think about how to build back the bond.

At the end of the day, we are all trying our best and it is also important not to be too hard on ourselves. When we have done good, be proud of it, when we have not, learn from it. Parenting is life long.

Wish you the best and hang in there!
 
I assume u r working so maybe try to get home early n be hands on with the baby like feeding, entertaining, petting her to sleep etc. Observe how ur helper n mil calm the baby n do it the way they do it.
 
No need to worry. Kids will always find mummy unless u bo chup them. My boy slpt wif helper in e nite coz my hubby needed slp, I nv bathed him when he was a baby, coaxing to slp also done by my helper. Dat time I was too obsessed wif trying to pump enuff breastmilk for him. Everyday we carry him n play wif him a while nia. Most of e time I slping coz always too tired pumping milk. When he was near 2, he suddenly wan mummy to do everything. Now he leeches onto me n only finds my helper if I scold or beat him. Sometimes I wish he will juz b wif my helper more coz I dun haf me time anymore unless my helper helps to distract him by bringing him to e playground. After I went back to work, my boy only latched once every nite till 8 mths.

I cried before coz he only looked for my helper when he was young. Den my helper told me flesh n blood will always look for mummy unless mummy nv take care of him at all. Which turned out so true.

My gal din wanna latch since 3 mths so I only pump milk for her. When i pump milk, my helper will bring my gal to play in my bed. She will auto pass her to me when she wanna do housework n I'm ard. I had to bathe her n coax her to slp when my helper had to suddenly go home 2 wks a few mths back coz her hubby was sick n subsequently passed away. My gal was not used to me at 1st den after 2 days also ok oredi.

When I dun understand wad my kids wan, I juz pass to my helper coz she's experienced wif kids. My boy calls her auntie, not kakak coz she married oredi.

My helper luv them like her own n we treat her like family too. Beginning she not used to it coz i mandate she eat at e same table after i saw her hiding in e service yard to eat n she appears in photos. I think she got more photos wif my kids den i do coz i dun really like taking photos. Haha.

My kids r v happy wif her ard n r always smiley. To me, more impt for e kids to grow up happily den bother abt whether they closer to helper in their early yrs. U juz need to do ur part in bonding wif time when u're ard. Juz need to ensure ur helper dun teach them to call her mama. I wan them to learn how to treat others wif respect so as long as auntie works for us, she is part of e family. I teach my boy dat his family consists of päpä, mummy, me (my boy), meimei n auntie.
 
How much time do you and helper take care of your baby, and how old is she?

I stopped work for eight months to take care of my son, and during that time, my helper was better at making him sleep. When I am around, he seemed to want to be awake and play with me all the time so he got cranky and grumpy and cried more -- but I don't think it's because he preferred my helper. Maybe it's the same for your daughter? Sometimes they actually prefer mummy so they get more whiney around her, especially if the baby is very young.

After I started work, she took care of him full-time in the day but I slept with him at night and I'm the person he is the closest to all the while. So no worries! I do think that babies will always know who their mummy is =)
 
Saltofebreeze is so rite! In fact, my helper took care of both my kids most of e time. I din haf e luxury of caring for them full time coz was working throughout both my maternity leaves from home n half e time had to go down to office after my gal reached 2 mths. After I started work, there were days I din c my kids at all coz they oredi aslp by e time I got back from work. But my boy still close to me. So really, no worries
 
Just wondering for working mums who let your in laws and/or helper to take care of your kid, how did u deal with the insecurities of your child growing closer to them instead of you?

My daughter seems to prefer my helper - she stops crying and falls asleep when my helper carries her. Doesn't help that my in laws recognize that helper can calm baby down better than I do, and would auto pass my kid to helper instead of me when she cries.

I read forums saying that the kid will eventually grow closer to mum as they grow older. Is this true? Anyone with similar experoence, pls share! I am feeling very sad seeing my own kid prefer others than her own mother... I stopped latching n pumping milk to bottle feed her. So I lost the latching time to bond too....
how young is your baby?

Mine wasn't sticky to me until (i) enrolling to Toddler Childcare; (ii) for the younger one - cross 6mo onwards

I think no need to worry too much - the 9m bond we have with them during pregnancy stage cant be easily replace!
But I do make it a point to interact with the kids more - engage in purposeful play, reading, bring them out to playground etc and talking to them asking about their day in general.
I leave the day to day chores for the helper, as well as the less interactive tasks like bathing time, prepping for school
 
It must be tough having to juggle with stress at work, and having little time to bond with your child.

However, being upset usually cant solve the issue.
My advice is to treasure whatever little time you can spare to be with you child, and try make these quality time spent together, while you are trying to work out other solutions.

Sometimes, quality beats quantity :)
 
Don't worry mama viva. Try to spend as much time with your child as much as you can. Helper can never replace mama. Helper is just here to work for you. They are not permanently there for the child like the parents. Your child will know it. You are also the one to decide if the helper stays or leave so don't worry too much. Jiayou!
 

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