Husband has another relationship.. What should I do?

[Dr. Tooth]

is there anyone who managed to salvage a marriage in this situation, where the other lady is in another country? they have been msging and perhaps video calling every night.. even when we were on a family holiday recently.. it seems even more frequent.. as much as he tries to be subtle.. I knew what was going on and im very hurt... however from the trip.. somehow I still feel the love from him...

I hope my words can help: You are not going to have different outcome by doing the same thing over and over again!

No matter how much efforts you put into spending more time with him, no matter how much efforts you put into distracting him or building the family bond such as going for a family holiday, no matter how much verbal reminders of all the efforts you have put in for this family including raising up the kids, etc... is not going to help anyway.

He is battling with himself helplessly. What is he battling with? One of them is Distance. As the saying goes: distance makes the heart grow fonder. His mind will be filled with all the images of her till they get to see each other again. This is where the issues will escalate further should you continue to pursue aggressively in securing your marriage. Should you not knowing what to do next, then probably is wiser to create a 'change' in the environment by paying lesser and lesser attention to him and giving him the kind of space for all he needs while observing quietly. At least he will be assuming that you are preparing and soon ready for a 'change'! Is after-all a game of risk you have to put into considerations. Just my thoughts though.

but I also know if he really wants and needs to choose.. ill be the one he ll let go. I love him and I really want to keep the marriage going and giving my kids a complete and happy family.. is there anything that I can do to try to make things work and for him to see that it is worth trying one more time? I just hope to give it one more go...

Let's take a step back. Based on your observations, he seemed to be more troubled than happy and this is a very positive sign. He could well be mind-F***** by the other lady. It can depends on how long and how far she wanna plays the game and how much is he willing to be played. Assuming this is going to be a very promising affair, then I see every reason for him to be highly spirited.

If the lady is somewhat conscious, she may not have the intention of breaking up people's marriages. Assuming she is not, then may have to look into other alternatives to save this marriage of yours. Please take care!

 

[HuayWen]

Hmm, bring him out with me. I will show him the cruelty of the foreign ladies.

With no money, your hubby is nothing.

Lock up as much funds as you can.

To a thai lady, $1500 sgd is a lot to sustain a woman in Thailand.

Thailand ladies use a lot of black magic, if your hubby does not mind. Get him a thai amulet to wear or bring around.

Beware, there are a lot of fake amulets around.

I heard the usage of black magic among Thai women in Thailand is quite prevalent.One of my male cousins in SG suddenly kept going back to several times a year and knew this Thai woman.

Fully agree with what godaddygo said.

My male cousin had shotgunned 2 kids with her,married and divorced within 5 years.

 

[Cnblue]

it has been awhile... but my husband says he doesnt know how to choose.. he says he loves me and knows its hard on me.. but asked me to believe that it is also not easy for him. I really dont know whats his thoughts. hes still in contact with her and is going to meet up with her soon... anyone can tell me what is he thinking? im really at the loss of what to do..

 

[QIANX2]

He's meeting her where?

 

[Mongkok]

it has been awhile... but my husband says he doesnt know how to choose.. he says he loves me and knows its hard on me.. but asked me to believe that it is also not easy for him. I really dont know whats his thoughts. hes still in contact with her and is going to meet up with her soon... anyone can tell me what is he thinking? im really at the loss of what to do..

Hi CnBlue,
Simply said, he can't let go of her. He wants to maintain the status quo. He prefer to go with the flow and wants you to decides for him and be the 'bad guy'.

 

[Freedom-123]

Basically, he wants her

 

[aphoenix]

is there anyone who managed to salvage a marriage in this situation, where the other lady is in another country? they have been msging and perhaps video calling every night.. even when we were on a family holiday recently.. it seems even more frequent.. as much as he tries to be subtle.. I knew what was going on and im very hurt... however from the trip.. somehow I still feel the love from him... but I also know if he really wants and needs to choose.. ill be the one he ll let go. I love him and I really want to keep the marriage going and giving my kids a complete and happy family.. is there anything that I can do to try to make things work and for him to see that it is worth trying one more time? I just hope to give it one more go...

Your situation was somewhat similar to what I encountered a few years ago.

I think if your husband still wants to savage your marriage and family, he has to be clear and end it all with that lady. It is not easy, but you have to be strong, for yourself and your kids. Perhaps try to see if third parties like your friends or family members can help, or go for marriage counselling. I have a friend who encountered something similar but she "caught" her husband early in the stage and the marriage is going on strong years later.

In my case, we did not have kids; were trying for kids at that time and then he got to know a lady at his work place and let's just say that their relationship blossomed.

I saw the messages and took photos of the conversations they had. The messages could not act as evidence as adultry by the way. It hurts to know that some of his colleagues had kinda helped him to chase after that girl even though everyone in his company knew that he is married. When I found out, I confronted him. At that moment, he felt that I did not trust him (cos I looked at the phone messages) and went ballistic.

I tried to salvage the marraige, but he decided on a short timeline and wanted anulment. We were married for 2+ years then so he thought we can annul and resume "single" life. And the reason he told me was that "if we annul, it will be easier for you to get a boyfriend later." I was still in love and could not let go of him and I also foolishly agreed, and the law firm (there was no marriage counselling as he refused) processed the paperworks. But upon realising that our flat may be affected, he decided to ask the lawyer to cancel the annulment, and to change to divorce. Generally speaking, a married couple can't start divorce proceedings within 3 years from the date of marriage. For us, it was a few months later, so the lawyer held onto the case and process after that. It is an emotional rollercoaster ride.

The initial reason why you got married was both side's commitment to make the relationship work. Take care!​

 

[Dr. Tooth]

In my case, we did not have kids; were trying for kids at that time and then he got to know a lady at his work place and let's just say that their relationship blossomed.

I saw the messages and took photos of the conversations they had. The messages could not act as evidence as adultry by the way. It hurts to know that some of his colleagues had kinda helped him to chase after that girl even though everyone in his company knew that he is married. When I found out, I confronted him. At that moment, he felt that I did not trust him (cos I looked at the phone messages) and went ballistic.

​

Your case must be a blessing in disguise. You are still so young and may your soulmate reach you soon! You may have to Thanks those colleagues in time to come.

 

[AO family]

If u love him, try to keep this marriage. I know I sound crazy and childish. But it's the truth. Why make yourself miserable or hurt your kid for a mistake your husband make?

Honestly, man doesn't know how to choose or clear their own shit. I'm not going to use nice words or speak with knowledge. I'm just letting u know how and what I have experienced. Maybe u can think of it as another solution.

I'm a divorcee mum W 2 kids from my previous marriage and is in a 3 years relationship after the divorce. My bf then was also a divorcee and had a son from his previous marriage but his son custody is W his ex wife.

Initially, into the relationship about less than 6 months, I trusted him totally. Somehow, 1 day I just happen to see his phone. Gut feeling. I saw he still flirt W his ex wife in messages. I wanted a break up and we quarrelled badly. Somehow, he promised there was nothing and I was just overly sensitive. However, u make him promise me he shall never contact her again so I will be more assured. If he should need to contact her regards to the child visit or whatsoever, it has to go through me in the whatsapp group I created to be transparent. He agreed and she agreed reluctantly. As she enjoys the flirtation as well as she regrets their divorce.. Their divorce was because she had other man outside and caught red hand twice.

Anyway, after that incident, down the road, he had 2 more such flirting smses and whatsapp relationship W his colleague. 1 is in Malaysia and 1 is in SG.

When I found out, I was v angry and thinking what to do.

The first step I did was secretly saving all details of their msg and the woman's details including address and HP number. Only 1 have address.

Secondly, I wake him up in the middle of the night n quarrelled badly w him. I cried v badly of cos and I loved him so much. I couldn't understand why he do this to me again. Man never admits their mistake and keep finding excuses. He claims I'm overly sensitive.

He must be crazy if msges he send to her like bringing u out and showed concern of her being hungry n gastric. Changed her clothes if she gets too wet from rain or get flu..etc.

Anyway, I wake him up in the middle of the night. I didn't give him any choice. I just told him what I found out and keep shouting at him. All he could do was just saying sorry and pls calm down..

I couldn't calm down and I phone the ladies in front of him and told them I'm his gf. I exposed all his secrets that he never told them. His past failed marriage and he has a son and etc...

They kept quiet and claims they are sorry and didn't know he has a gf. Obviously I know he is in the wrong. But I didn't care. I just need them out. So I told them, if u continue to see my guy, I'm going to your place and office to stick papers W your face and photo of u and our story.

They got scare and didn't want trouble. So they agreed to stop seeing him and ignore him if he ever text them again.

So far, he didn't contact any girls to flirt as what I see as he is probably too embarrassed to contact them. I create quite a hoo ha and so called confide in our mutual friends of what he did. He kept quiet through out and ask me one side to stop. He will never do it again.

So, I stop and we work back our relationship and trust. After 3 years, we got married which is just last year. And currently I'm preggy W our first child. Now, he chooses to work in the same place as me and take cared of me more.

I do not know if I did it successfully. But at least I'm happy and looking towards our home sweet home.

Apart from it, after all the experience, he already know I'm the type that I won't back off and will go crazy if angry. So, I guess.. He won't wanna spoil his reputation again.

I wish u all the luck...

Husband is yours. U chose him to be part of your life. Why give him up easily without even fighting? Make him see that u should be his one and only. Not as a choice as that choice was supposed to be chosen again when u r married.

 

[bretrayed]

If u love him, try to keep this marriage. I know I sound crazy and childish. But it's the truth. Why make yourself miserable or hurt your kid for a mistake your husband make?

Honestly, man doesn't know how to choose or clear their own shit. I'm not going to use nice words or speak with knowledge. I'm just letting u know how and what I have experienced. Maybe u can think of it as another solution.

I'm a divorcee mum W 2 kids from my previous marriage and is in a 3 years relationship after the divorce. My bf then was also a divorcee and had a son from his previous marriage but his son custody is W his ex wife.

Initially, into the relationship about less than 6 months, I trusted him totally. Somehow, 1 day I just happen to see his phone. Gut feeling. I saw he still flirt W his ex wife in messages. I wanted a break up and we quarrelled badly. Somehow, he promised there was nothing and I was just overly sensitive. However, u make him promise me he shall never contact her again so I will be more assured. If he should need to contact her regards to the child visit or whatsoever, it has to go through me in the whatsapp group I created to be transparent. He agreed and she agreed reluctantly. As she enjoys the flirtation as well as she regrets their divorce.. Their divorce was because she had other man outside and caught red hand twice.

Anyway, after that incident, down the road, he had 2 more such flirting smses and whatsapp relationship W his colleague. 1 is in Malaysia and 1 is in SG.

When I found out, I was v angry and thinking what to do.

The first step I did was secretly saving all details of their msg and the woman's details including address and HP number. Only 1 have address.

Secondly, I wake him up in the middle of the night n quarrelled badly w him. I cried v badly of cos and I loved him so much. I couldn't understand why he do this to me again. Man never admits their mistake and keep finding excuses. He claims I'm overly sensitive.

He must be crazy if msges he send to her like bringing u out and showed concern of her being hungry n gastric. Changed her clothes if she gets too wet from rain or get flu..etc.

Anyway, I wake him up in the middle of the night. I didn't give him any choice. I just told him what I found out and keep shouting at him. All he could do was just saying sorry and pls calm down..

I couldn't calm down and I phone the ladies in front of him and told them I'm his gf. I exposed all his secrets that he never told them. His past failed marriage and he has a son and etc...

They kept quiet and claims they are sorry and didn't know he has a gf. Obviously I know he is in the wrong. But I didn't care. I just need them out. So I told them, if u continue to see my guy, I'm going to your place and office to stick papers W your face and photo of u and our story.

They got scare and didn't want trouble. So they agreed to stop seeing him and ignore him if he ever text them again.

So far, he didn't contact any girls to flirt as what I see as he is probably too embarrassed to contact them. I create quite a hoo ha and so called confide in our mutual friends of what he did. He kept quiet through out and ask me one side to stop. He will never do it again.

So, I stop and we work back our relationship and trust. After 3 years, we got married which is just last year. And currently I'm preggy W our first child. Now, he chooses to work in the same place as me and take cared of me more.

I do not know if I did it successfully. But at least I'm happy and looking towards our home sweet home.

Apart from it, after all the experience, he already know I'm the type that I won't back off and will go crazy if angry. So, I guess.. He won't wanna spoil his reputation again.

I wish u all the luck...

Husband is yours. U chose him to be part of your life. Why give him up easily without even fighting? Make him see that u should be his one and only. Not as a choice as that choice was supposed to be chosen again when u r married.

Do u free happy now?

 

[AO family]

Do u free happy now?

Of cos, otherwise I won't be typing this. Happily married and with our firstborn. He takes care of my every meal and we meet to go work n home together. Go movies and better than before.

 

[jing77]

it has been awhile... but my husband says he doesnt know how to choose.. he says he loves me and knows its hard on me.. but asked me to believe that it is also not easy for him. I really dont know whats his thoughts. hes still in contact with her and is going to meet up with her soon... anyone can tell me what is he thinking? im really at the loss of what to do..

Hi all, i am new here this is my first post to you.

i have read through from the beginning of your situation.
i suggest you divorce with him, because your problem can't forever keep one eye soon on later still need to choose.
Early pain, better than Longer pain. Sorry to said it is cruel to suggest to you, but you still need to go through.
Once a guy have a 2nd girl. Specially after marriage and still never got a basic responsibility, got children some more.
i think is best let's your parent /brother & sister know first , see what can be done, once you decide to divorce your financial ect and children..
you might need some helps from them after this divorce.

 

[Bellespaniel]

is there anyone who managed to salvage a marriage in this situation, where the other lady is in another country? they have been msging and perhaps video calling every night.. even when we were on a family holiday recently.. it seems even more frequent.. as much as he tries to be subtle.. I knew what was going on and im very hurt... however from the trip.. somehow I still feel the love from him... but I also know if he really wants and needs to choose.. ill be the one he ll let go. I love him and I really want to keep the marriage going and giving my kids a complete and happy family.. is there anything that I can do to try to make things work and for him to see that it is worth trying one more time? I just hope to give it one more go...

You need to be firm he can only choose one person, and tell him you are willing to forgive him and work on a solid marriage if he comes back to you. You may be too weak to make this stand as you still have feelings for him and you are afraid he chooses the other person. But as many people have said, he won't just give her up if you don't make a stand.

So, one thing you can do is reach out to someone you trust, as in a religious organisation based on your religion, or an arbitrar in a law firm. You discuss with them the progressive steps to take.. eg, from counselling to separation to divorce if each step fails. Then you follow through to the end.

When he sees you follow the process, he will know you are serious. You may have to put up a strong face in front of him.

You should also secure your finances (w law firm) and get advice on custody as there's a chance he may choose the other party eventually. The more you know in advanced, the better. The longer you wait, you lose your leverage as you get older.

There's still life even if you never have a husband again. Your significance and purpose is more than a wife. Get spiritual or self-help (if you dont have a religion) counselling to give you a new perspective.

 

[pianpian]

When an affair has been discovered, husband just said he will leave the other woman and we continue our relationship as normal .He tried not to talk about it and get frustrated when I tried to found out more from him. Why ? How do I get him to talk? Thanks.

 

[wendy_reborn]

They won' say anything. It's like a person arrested for a offence. Unless police can show some evidence, If not the person won't give away anything to implicate himself

 

[Mongkok]

When an affair has been discovered, husband just said he will leave the other woman and we continue our relationship as normal .He tried not to talk about it and get frustrated when I tried to found out more from him. Why ? How do I get him to talk? Thanks.

man & woman are different.

for a man, it's about ego and embarrassment. to him, it's a shame that he has been discovered. aka like forcefully take a candy away from a kid. if after math he wasnt remorseful and no offer of assurance, then chances it (EMA) will happen again. next round, he will protect his 'candy' well.

for a woman, it's about closure. without closure means no assurance that equates to insecurity.

hence, if you really wanted to ride it out with him, then give him space and time to sort things out. during this time, you should focus on bonding with and caring for him. well, easier said then done. but, no choice. constant harping will irritate him further and push him away. but with this, EMA may still happens again. if it does, then he is a leopard w spots that cant b changed.

if u insist on closure, then b prepared to open the pandora box. if he say out the truth, chances are you wont be able to match up, unless you forego being yourself.

again said, with his state of mind and his response (as you mentioned), you wont hear truth anyway. so it depends whether you just need some false assurance for a closure or you want to see him clearly and convince yourself to move on.

 

[lara clark]

grow a pair of balls and leave. why hang on to a man when you know he's never going to change. will you die without a man? are you that spineless? you need to be the strong woman that no man can take advantage of or you will forever fall into the endless loop of self-pity.

what some man like is power. woman are simply accessories to give them that sense of self-worth as if they're the king or some shit. grow a pair, pack up and leave. be your own woman so you dont have to deal with this shit no more.

words are harsh. but hope it knocks some sense into you.

 

[jalind]

If your hubby has a heart for u and this family, he will not do things to hurt this family in this manner.
He is not respecting you, and moreover, it is not a secret anymore, and yet he is still not cutting things with the woman.
He is already not taking you and this family seriously.

How hard is it to cut things with that woman not unless he did something that he still keeping from you.
Else, why does he have to be troubled? It has been a few months yet he is still two-timing. If he really loves you and the family, he should have settled all this hanky-panky and make amendments. Going on and on will only drift you into depression and anxiety. It is really very unhealthy to go on daily having to go through this shit. You should thrash things out for the last time, if he still hesistant to cut if off then you should seek legal advice and finally come to a conclusion. I feel that this should not drag longer.

 

[alexahbk]

Gather evidence, do proper homework, then file divorce.

 

[Vivicry]

Never trust a betrayal man. There will always be a 2nd, 3rd x time. My ex husband beg me not to divorce after i found out his first affair and promised that he will take care of us FOREVER if i choose to give him a chance. For the sake the children, i given him.
But after 1 yr, 2nd affair with another girl. So conclusion, a leopard can never change his spot.
Once a person has betrayed u, this shows that he no longer love you. So dont waste your time. Just a piece of advice.

 

[gladjo]

There's never a simple straight answer and most guys are so indecisive. They want their cake and still be able to eat it and still be able to show the world their piece of cake.

However, just bear in mind whatever decision you make, your kids will be affected so keep this in mind. And control your temper & emotions. If ever you feel depressed or helpless... talk to your close friend but not relatives, it helps. I remember I cried 3 months even on my job until whole office knows then i realized I was out of control.

PM me if you need help...walked this tough road before, you will need all the help you can get. Last thing you should never do, don't bring up the word " Divorce ". Why...sigh...as a single mum, it is not easy ...totally not easy ...especially what hurt most is you step out of your house on a bright sunday morning & you see happy families having a good family time. It's very absolutely painful and when you think you are fine, you house kitchen sink is stuck, or your house blackout at 9pm for no reason or your kid didn't come home on time as promise and you had called everyone of his friends... unless you are prepared & your parents are staying with you .... otherwise meditate and try to talk to him.

God bless.

 

[Mongkok]

Single mum isn't for the undetermined ones. Once u are determine, do not underestimate a will power of a woman. Beside seeing happy families having a good family time, you do equally see mummies with their kids, without the fathers, having an equally happy and fulfilling time.
Choked pipes, blackouts, spalling ceilings, etc are jobs of a handyman. Jus get that contact handy. Friends and colleagues are a lot of helpful people that are willing to lend a hand during crisis like this.
Definitely u will feel pain initially, coz u mourn the death of your marriage.
But when the pain fades, that's when u feel true happiness and hope.
Single mum isn't end of the world. It's a start of a new life. Being in a relationship that is detrimental to your mental health is a daily torture u can gift yourself.
Do not let the social pressure stop u from making a wise decision. It's how u view yourself matters the most.

 

[wendy_reborn]

Yes I agree with u. if having the husband whose heart is with someone else, better to move forward.
When the person lose heart in the family, he's not afraid to hurt you, do u think about the whole pipes or faulty light bulb at home.
Instead of clinging on a person who betray u and doesn't wan to repent, it' better to move on, like tat person is dead n it will make you stronger.
Luckily, I have supportive sibling n parent. I told them what happen n from day 1, supported me all the way. They give me financial, emotionally and physical support.