Hubby cheated on me while I was pregnant.


notsuperwoman

New Member
crystal -- survivinginfidelity.com

ocean, YES!!! at first my husband had the password to her account, so we deleted the pictures. then she put it up again under a locked folder. we viewed the folder, she invited so many people to view it, so for what lock it right???

so we emailed her, told her nicely to bring it down. she replied saying just because the pictures are there, doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. WTH right? At that time she still hasn't changed her password, so we deleted the pictures AGAIN.

Then she put up the pictures again, and changed her password. She then emailed my husband saying dont bother visiting her friendster page anymore, she change password already so we cannot view or delete the pictures even if we want to.

I logged in to friendster using my husband's friend's account (who is her friend also) and saw the pictures are still up there. Yes, NOW, almost 2 months after I find out!!! That's why I'm going crazy. One of my friends is on her frienster list. I'm scared more people will see the pictures because she's the sort that randomly make friends with strangers kind. You should read the comments left by her "friends" all asking for her hp number or ask for sexual stuff. Crazy right.

So I told my husband,since email her nicely she still dont want to listen, want to keep the pictures up there... so how about we contact a lawyer, see what can be done. My husband was quite hesitant because he's scared the matter will get bigger and out of control, but I really dont know how to make that stupid bitch bring down the pictures.

Is this anger irrational??? I just dont want more people to know... you know what I mean?
 

jenbabe

Member
So I told my husband,since email her nicely she still dont want to listen, want to keep the pictures up there... so how about we contact a lawyer, see what can be done. My husband was quite hesitant because he's scared the matter will get bigger and out of control, but I really dont know how to make that stupid bitch bring down the pictures.

Your hubby hesitated????? OMG!!!... add your friends to her friendster account>>> hey is she trying to steal your friends too??? Seems she wants to mock at you for losing your hubby to her for ****.. well your hubby OUGHT to be SHOT!!! he have to clean up the BIGGER Mess himself, not you. U hv to deal with your grief n take care of your baby too.. so hard on you sigh..
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
that was my initial reaction, i was so angry why he hesitate about the lawyer.

then he explain to me after i calm down, that he think this slut like a bit lunatic now already, she doing whatever she can to get him back or take revenge (like sending fwded emails out of the blue)

so he scared she bring down the pictures at friendster but put up elsewhere, where other people can see. now not many people know (only our parents and his oldest brother) so he dont want more people to know. honestly i also dont want more people to know. its very embarassing for me. plus if my extended family knows about this, i think i dont know where to put my face already. sigh.

what do you think i should do to get her to bring down the pictures? or do u think i shd just ignore?
 

jenbabe

Member
I really dunno how to advise cos this is the first time i ever hear. seems that u probably hv a harder time cos u r dealing with the other woman whom is still not an adult yet. some more she is a KTV hostess (is this correct or not). yup he is right. u two might lose face but still he must clean up the mess lah.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
yeah she's still really immature. 20 years old only. and you are correct, KTV lounge hostess/slut.

i really dont know what to do. sigh. sometimes i wish i wake up, everything gets solved already. maybe she die or something. that will make me very happy.
 

yyeo

New Member
hi rainie,

i just came across this thread today..i can understand how hurting it can be to be betrayed by your own beloved husband through infedility. But i just want to let you know that, when everyone in the world fails you and you have nobody else to turn to, JESUS LOVES U.
take care.
 

fatherof1

New Member
That's strange that she is a KTV girl. Unless of course you saying she is not local. Most local singaporean girls don't really work in KTV anymore. Usually it's china mainlanders, vietnamese. Actually you rarely see any locals working in red light district type activities such as KTV girls, pub girls or brothels. I guess one reason is singapore such a small place, it wouldn't be very easy to conceal such activities.

The only locals I see are more playing management role such as mamasan type stuff. Then again I'm not really expert as I don't frequent often but once in a while I do and that's my observations.
 
Raine,
I hv been followin your thread. Really feel v sorry for you. As for the pictures, only your hubby can help. He needs to give the issue a proper closure so that the woman is convinced that she has to leave the both of you alone. He started it, he has to end it. He has already gone for the food tasting session, he must wipe his mouth clean. Once anyone taste the forbidden fruit, he/she has to bear the consequences.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
yyeo, thanks.

fatherof1, believe it or not, she's local. born and bred in singapore. but she claim on her friendster profile that she dutch chinese and dont know what other mixed blood also, LOLOLOLOL. face like normal lian lor!!!

she gave sob story to my husband that she was FORCED to work as ktv lounge hostess by her sister because she only got sec 2 education. If she really had a brain (and im not talking about intellectual, studies kind of brain. im talknig about a normal FUNCTIONING brain) she can say NO to the sister right? but yet she willingly don those slut clothes and work as that. no, she's not mamasan. she's one of the sluts under the mamasan. guess what, 2 days ago i read in sammyboy (i went to google her workplace and there was a discussion on sammyboy forum) i found out that if u pay $50, they will bring u to empty room and give BJ. honestly i never knew such stuff exist til now. it scares me like mad, i tell ya.

2 days ago, while googling, I also found out that her workplace is like 2 buildings away from an eating place my husband used to bring me often. How sickening is that??!! But now my husband apologise already, he say at that time he was in a fog, he really dont know what he was doing and didn't think of the connections. CRAZY!!!

ribena, my husband actually asked our counsellor what to do with this situation, and our counsellor said just ignore that bitch. like what shrext said, she's immature, and by ignoring her she will feel stupid. And apparently we need to give HER time to move on too. She still cannot accept that my husband is with me and not with her.

but ribena & shrext, i have difficulty with ignoring her. i hate that MY HUSBAND'S pictures are on HER profile. I'm scared my friends will see loh. But our counsellor say just ignore her. I'm very tempted to contact a lawyer and send her lawyers letter, but I'm scared it might make matters worse.

Thanks for the book recommendation shrext. Right now I got a lot of books to read, LOL and once I heal from this infidelity, I will read that book. Right now I'm just trying to find ways to cope with the emotions I feel on a day to day basis. Sometimes I still feel panic, like I cannot breathe, I dont know why it's like that... its a very scary feeling.

I also lost 10kg since the day I found out, which was 6th Aug. Meaning I lost 10kg in almost 2 months. I'm now back to my pre-pregnancy weight liao. LOL. I suspect I will lose more... skarli one day i anorexic how??? LOL! but honestly my appetite is still not good. Sigh.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. *BANGS HEAD ON WALL*

I hate hate hate everything so much!! Found out that he sent that bitch's friend home from work too back when the affair was ongoing. He would fetch her and her friend from work at Bencoolen, and then send her friend home too at SENGKANG. And then send the slut to Eunos. How far is all those distances???

Wouldn't you say there's an emotional link in the affair too? Because why would you be nice and send the bitch's friend home when you just want sex from the bitch??? Why the need to be nice to the friend too???

I was so upset when I heard because I paid $250 monthly for petrol and he would refuse to fetch me frmo work at raffles because apparently it's far (20 mins drive!) and yet he can send her friend home to sengkang and then back to eunos to send the slut home. Then he can say smoemore, the friend got pay money. So now my husband what? Part time taxi driver ah??? Hello I also pay $250 u know!!! IDIOT! I am so angry right now I feel like smashing his nose again.

ARGH. I dont know why I asked him but right now I'm so angry I dont know how to control my anger!!! I HATE EVERYTHING SO MUCH!!!
 

dying_heart

New Member
Hi Rainine,

I have PM you yestersday...not sure whether you read it yet...just to let u know...u r not alone...must stay calm to fight against these sluts..

Dun compare...the more u compare...the more angry & painful u will feel...we must try to put down the past & move on....Hugz
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
dying heart, i didnt receive it. maybe u can email me? [email protected]

its true what u said. the more we compare, the more angry we feel. was it easy for u to move on? why am i still having difficulty even though it's been 7 weeks since i found out?
 

dying_heart

New Member
hmmm...that is weird...ok, i'll e-mail u...

actually, it's wasn't easy to move on...like I say i also have my mood swing...wait till u read my e-mail..u will be able to know what I been going thru lately...somethg similar to urs...
 

qin_qin

New Member
Rainie
I understand this kind of feeling, sometime i will feel very panic like cant breathe too.. this problem has been giving me for 2 years already.. nothing can cure loh.. no matter how good they are, there is no 100% trust in them..
like my hubby, i always ask him to fetch me at my work place, many excuses will come from him loh.. keep saying traffic jam lah, too far lah..
whenever i hear this, i will start to think back that time, he almost everyday fetch that bitch to work, from north to west.. so angry!!!!!
sometime at night, when i found him sleeping, i feel like using a knife to stab on him.. haha..
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
hahaha me too!!! or cover his face with the pillows til he stop breathing. haha.

2 years??? oh my god does that mean i will also still feel that way in 2 years time? *panic*

yes true what u said, no matter how good my husband is now, i dont trust him 100%. actually dont say 100% lah, now 50% also dont have. your husband also give stupid reasons like that? why are men so inconsiderate and mean???

yesterday during marriage counselling for the first time he acknowledged my pain. the counsellor asked if he wanted to say anythign to me in a safe surrounding, and he held my hands and said "i am very sorry i shattered your world and broke u into pieces. i want to mend it, i want to make everything better. i promise i will do my best to make it better. im sorry i was so stupid before and hurt you so badly. i want u to know im not contacting her anymore, i never will again. i wll never hurt u like this again, i promise, because i see the pain now. i love u so much, and you are my everything"

I cried when i heard that. The tears just wont stop flowing
It's the first time he ever tell me he knows how much he hurt me. Then the counsellor ask me if i have anything to say to him, I couldn't even talk. I was so sad yet relieved he can tell how huge the pain i feel. Sigh.
 

dying_heart

New Member
rainie jane,

If i were you & upon hearing that...i think i will also cry...at least & he can finally see & feel your pain...just like my hb telling me that he know tat it's all his fault and he is feeling very guilty towards me...he is trying to make it up...after so long, he finally tell me to forgive him and he say the three magic words to me...
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
dying heart, i reply your email already. my husband say "i love u" from last time but i always tell him not to, it makes me feel sick because he admit he got say it to her too. but yesterday when he said all that, i felt that it was really from the heart. (or am i being stupid and gullible again??!! aarrgh!)

shrext, my gut feeling tell me he's really sincere. he knows he did mistake. BUT, im so scared. i dont know why, im scared it will happen again in the future. so it makes me stuck and dont know how to move forward. i WANT to move forward but i dont know how to sometimes.

i shouldn't ask him anymore questions yeah? u were ever in my position isit? did u ask him the questions in ur head or did u just keep it all inside?

the book teaches us how to make our husband focus on us? ok i'll get it soon. thanks for the recommendation and the advice, i really appreciate it. im going to try ignore the bitch and just concentrate on the marriage. wish me luck. its so hard
 

dying_heart

New Member
Hi Rainie,

I agree with what Shrext say...when a man is infatuated with another woman...he will do all sort of things to please them...buy them gifts, say sweet words,etc...my hb ever told the S**T that she is his little woman entire life...of cos, not to mention...he even told her tat he love her the most...

Hi Shrext,

I agree with wat u say...never take thgs for granted...i hv neglect my hb when my DD is born & we have some quarrels, my behaviour, lack of comm, etc...the grievance he felt for me slowly build up & in the end...he can't take it anymore & stray...I have learn my lesson & thus I know tat i hv to always shower him with love & concern, be a more understanding wife & communicate more with him...
 

fatherof1

New Member
Hi Ms rainie,

Don't put a pillow on your husband face. He might die. And to make it worst, he might die happy if he happening to be dreaming about the other girl.

The other girl is very rare then. A local singaporean girl working in the sex industry. Very exotic. Like a dodo bird or a walrus with one tusk, or a white tiger.

btw I heard some of these girls can make up to 20K per month. Sounds untrue but then you think about how long each servicing takes and I guess it's not really impossible. But i guess only for the good ones.

If it is any consolation I don't think girls working in that type of industry have a happy ending. Most will end up spending all their money and also getting their heart broken. So I guess you can cling on to that next time you angry with her.

As for your husband, at the end of the day you got to make your peace with him since you got a kid. ANyways sounds like you trying that with counciling and all. Maybe you should just not try so hard to find out more facts or details about the past events. Just get angry if he relapses. What is done is done. No use crying over spilt coffee beans.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
shrext, this is the part where i dont understand. my husband tells EVERYONE what a good wife i am, before and DURING the affair! in fact he told that slut that I am a good wife, the best wife ever and no one can ever be better than me. i know that for a fact because she blogged about it, how unhappy and jealosu she is that my husband thinks so highly of me. Crazy bitch.

I always appreciate what he do. I will thank him when he does even small things. when he get his salary, he will say oh last month not much overtime, but i will say its ok, what you bring home is still more than what most men your age do, so its still good. I stroke his ego so much! I tell him his dick is big! (dont ask me how i know, when he's the only one i've ever been with, LOL!) I tell him he's very handsome and successful! He's much better than my friends' husbands and boyfriends! I make effort even after I give birth (although got to admit I had difficulty losing weight) I bought sexy lingerie every single month since the day we got married just to please him. I massage him without him asking, just to make him feel lucky he got good wife.

YET THIS HAPPENED!

I'm not kidding, I really did all those above. When I reminded him, he also confused why he didn't appreciate all that when it happened. Now when he asks for assurance or massage, I acn't be bothered.

So I think thats why marriage cousnelling is very important now. I dont know what he wants from me exactly, and vice versa. Plus our communication is crap. Got to work on that I guess. Sigh.

But that Shirley Glass book is good. It says some men have affairs even though their marriage is good. They were seduced, and men being men, can't help it. Once they start the affair, that's when they will start thinking badly of the marriage (when in fact the marriage was good to start with) So, I really want to know his reasons. Hopefully counselling can help us find out.

The thing I really dont udnerstand is, why did he tell that slut I'm a good wife etc? Shouldn't he try to make her feel good about herself? LOL.

Fatherof1, That's the whole idea. To kill him for all this hurt he caused me. If he's dreaming about the other girl, all the better he dies. So he can't carry out those dreams.

EXOTIC?? Are you crazy. That means she got no shame. If I work like that I wouldn't show my face to public... what if my customer is my neighbour? I guess men's thinking is different, and sorry to say, you aren't really helping with what you say about her being exotic.

No that slut apparently dont make much per month. I dont know how much but my husband say she cant even afford to pay bills sometimes. Maybe pay hotel so often til cannot pay bill liao.

Yes she wont have happy ending. Thats why I think she love my husband so much, she think my husband (a man having good job, a car, a good life, proper upbringing) can "save" her and give her good life. TOO BAD IDIOT!!! End of day I think she still work as mamasan or something lor, only sec 2 education what can you work as in Singapore? Then she wrote on friendster a few weeks back, she going to poly next year to continue studying. With Sec 2 education can go poly meh???? Have sex with the admissions office people to gain entry ah??? Stupid bitch. I really hate her alot.

If he relapses, it's over between us. No need to get angry already.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
hi shrext, i think even my husband dont know what he wants. haha. now that i stop doing all those, then he realise what is missing, and he regret not appreciating it last time. he always say he miss the old me. but honestly the old me is gone. i dont have the innocence of last time. now i know im not special enough to be the only woman in his life.

yes i think he feel lust for her. or if i want to look deeper, i think its the way she made him feel. she give sob story, how sad and pathetic her life is, and compared to me who is very independent, i guess he felt needed and very superhero with her. she, like all those PRC sluts also, know how to make men feel powerful. of course lah, they dont have to deal with the day-to-day things like bills, family, etc. that was what i told my husband, and now he finally realise.

why do u say its obvious he dont love her? i always wonder how deep is his feelings for her. because i read his comments on her blog, how he loves her forever and he told her, "we can be together forever but in apart manner" how crazy is that. to me that shows how much he loves her?

can u see how confused i am over this whole matter? my self-esteem really drop after i found out about this matter, and sometimes i really feel something wrong with me. sigh.

YES you are so correct, before marriage he chase me like mad. yet after marriage, dont know why roles changed. i was so engrossed in being a good wife. yet it wasn't enough? sigh. i dont know lah whats wrong.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
<font color="0000ff">-->You can never guarantee that the next one (if there will ever be) will ever be faithful to you. You are special to want him to come back to you - to start all over again with you. </font>

Hey actually one of the reasons I stayed was because I thought, even if I marry someone else, who knows that guy might still cheat. Same thinking as you. Hopefully this one (my hubby) learns his lesson now and won't do it again. The risk is there no matter who you marry. The only way for a guy to NOT cheat is to buckle on a chastity belt and WE hold the key. LOL. (Even then he can have emotional affair!)

<font color="0000ff">-->I believe your husband is a soft hearted man that's why he broke off with her gently by writing those crap to make that B feels better. I mean how is it possible to ''...be together forever but in apart manner''? That was so lame isn't it? If that B buys that she must be damn naive(hahahaha!!!). </font>

Yes my husband is a veryvery soft-hearted man. That's why this affair totally surprised and shocked me, caught me offguard. How can such a nice sweet man do something so horrible? It's like you won't expect a gentle man to commit murder, you know what I mean? He said he broke up nicely with her because he dont want her to feel angry and then tell me. Because that slut apparently threatened a few times to tell me. Wah piang get mistress then kenna threaten somemore... So scary. Hahaha.

Oh guess what that slut actually believe him!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHA. Can die laughing. My husband said that she actually told him it's ok she will wait forever, even if it means waiting for me to die. Hello what makes her think I will die earlier than my husband???

Oh and last night I asked questions somemore. I know, I know, I shouldn't have. But I did. I can't remember the exact question but my husband said sometimes she gets angry when my husband would rather spend time with his wife and baby rather than her. Then she will sms him the whole time saying she's jealous and upset etc. CRAZY SLUT!!! Got people like that in this world ah??? You know he got wife and baby, yet you want a piece of him, and when you can't get it, you want to act out? Luckily I am still sane, if not she'll be dead now.

Oh and for his birthday early this year, she bought a belt for him. Which he kept in the car for a few days and then threw it away, never wear it at all, not even once. Guess what! Yesterday we went to marina square shopping, and he wanted to buy a belt, we went to Topshop, and I chose the exact same belt that she bought for him. He only told me at night, and I went ballistic. WE HAVE THE SAME TASTE??? *PUKES*

I asked did she wrap it up etc. He said no, just give inside the topman paperbag, but without price tag. HOW CLASSY!!! LOL. I asked if he prefers cheap gifts is it, because for his birthday this year I brought him on a trip (yes stupid old me) He said no, he loves my gifts. But next year for his birthday I'm just going to get something very very cheap. Serves him right.

Yes I found out abt the affair myself. Did my own investigation and confronted him, yet he denied. It was only after I emailed that slut.. and she ask me to call her older sister, who told me the whole story. How pathetic, dare to have affair with my husband but dont dare to talk to me. To this day I dont have respect for her. I've always been the sort of person who owns up to my mistake, and face the consequences. She's not. If my husband wants a freak like that, go ahead.

Shrext, these men need a wake up call to jerk them out of fantasyland. Honestly my husband only realised he reallyreally wanted me when I packed his bags the morning after I found out. I told him it's over between us and that was when he truly panicked. The night before when I and his parents confronted him, he said straight to my face "i dont want her and i dont want you too." Yet he still follow me home even though I told him not to. The next morning when he woke up, his bags were packed, and he went on his knees and begged and cried. Sigh.

Your husband is frank with u now? That's good. What did you say to him to make him change? My husband is still a clam, he dont open up emotionally easily. Hehe, yes like you I would rather HE have regrets, rather than me. I try to be good wife also because if we ever separate, I want him to realise there can never be another one like me because I'm just so damn good. LOL.

Good idea, I will brag one day. Maybe I should wear sexy lingerie etc and after sex, tell him that. LOL.

Btw I dont think that slut will ever feel she did me wrong. She got no morals. Which woman will do that to another woman, knowing the wife just give birth etc? Do you know it's so hard for me to even call her girl/woman/human being. To me she's just a slut, her worth is lesser than shit.

Wow sorry this is long. Just venting
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
Haha, thanks for the show recommendation. hopefully i no need to tell him innocently, he can see it for himself! hehehe.

Eh now I'm thinking you are actually the counsellor we seeing isit??? LOL. because my counsellor also said he's scared to tell me something because it might hurt me or I will get angry with him. Sigh. So yesterday during couple counselling, the counsellor told him "you have to see your wife has changed too, she is trying to contrl her temper and emotions... so you must change too and open up more to her."

thanks for your advice. yesterday during counselling we found out that im improving emotionally yet he's going downwards. he feels like he lost the trust of everyone and is ashamed to even talk to people now... he was open in front of the counsellor and i heard things i never knew...

now im thinking how to improve his self-esteem. its always us wives who have to do the hard work. it this done out of love? or stupidity? sigh.
 

dying_heart

New Member
Hi Shrext,

Yes, I am very upset when i know my hb say all tat to tat B...I ask him many times whether he still love me &amp; there are always no reply...he continue going out with the B even when i know abt the affair...he simply dun wan to break off with her &amp; he even ask me b4 whether i can accept him with 2 woman...all these happen last yr during the festive season...he is out celebrating with her while me &amp; my DD stay at home waiting for him to come back...it's a nightmare tat I wish i can forget...

Yes, i think it's tough being a woman, especially playing the role of a good wife...sometimes, when things go wrong btw us...i will wonder why i am staying for this man...should hv pack &amp; go with my DD...sigh...

Maybe, i love him more than he love me ?...Otherwise, i wouldn't feel so deeply hurt &amp; I still find it hard to forget abt the betrayal...

Hi Rainie,

I dun thk u r stupid...u love him...tat why, u wan to help him out...i just feel tat we as a wife, no matter wat, will still stand by them...i always tell my hb...no matter wat happen, your family (me &amp; my DD) will always be there for him &amp; waiting for him to come home...
 

fairyprincess

New Member
Rainie:

"help him improve his self-esteem"- don't you think the more you mother him, the more ashamed he will be, i.e. seen as a man who cannot handle it?

Man like to feel they are in charged right? So its dangerous to do everything for him...

Since your husband is sincerely remorseful, he needs time to come to terms with himself, with the mess he has created...

The less you question him the better...
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
my husband can tell me straight to my face that last time i love him more than he loves me. but he also know NOW he loves me more than i love him. he really fell off the high pedestal i put him on.

u are very strong can tell your hubby that you will always be there for him. i told my husband only this time round i will be here. no more chances after this. if something like this happens again, im out of here. this is something i promise myself. my son needs a good example of a man anyway.

Fairyprincess, i dont know. I really dont know how to handle the situation at all. The counsellor say I need to help him up and vice versa. I want him to feel powerful and manly, but at the same time I can see he needs my help to be that. know what i mean?

The lesser I question him, the better... that's true. But it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO difficult. Sigh.
 

fairyprincess

New Member
Yes, if your hubby wants to be helped- by all means, otherwise, its like smothering him with +++ affection and questions, wonder if he can take it??

I have come to the conclusion that man can stray anytime, and can be super good to cover tracks...in any case, unless you are with him 24 hours guarding him full time, how will you know what he does...

Thus, it really depends on him, is he committed to the marriage? does he think he can get away? what does he have to lose? (this applies more to people very successful in their career)
 

tulips_sweer

New Member
My heart aches for you Rainie, be optimistic. The only way to overcome is avoid questioning the past. Since you have decided to give him a 2nd chance, do not dig into the wound so that it will heal faster even though there's a permanent scar. This is the only way to salvage your marriage. The more you questioned, either the lousier he feels or he may flare up one day.
 

tulips_sweer

New Member
All relationships takes 2 hands to clap. Yes, he has done you wrong, but all marriages may have their imperfections in different ways.

If you are willing to accept him back, you have to work hard together with him to overcome this turmoil. Not just him alone, he will collapse.

I can see and feel how much you love your hb. Otherwise,you will not have put most of the blame on the woman. But wrong is wrong, both parties should be responsible. I have similar encounter too. That's why when i read through all your posts, I cried like hell too. But I felt that you are blessed too, at least your hb is remorseful &amp; moreover you have a young baby.

But this is life, either you accept the fact that he had done you wrong &amp; divorce him or you decided to give him another chance by changing your mentality &amp; accept his wrongs.

Try your best not to flare up, not to think abt what they have done together and so on. Do not allow yourself to delude further into the past; it hurts yourself more when you thought of how happy they are at certain moments and how naive you are being kept in the dark. This will not help.

I know you couldn't help be nice to him as before, because you have a soft heart. This is correct. I think since your hb is willing to repend, your marriage will definitely be a stronger one. In another words, it indirectly boosted your r/s with him. At least you knew how important you are in his life. Even you are not the only woman he has had; you are the most important woman to him and whom he loves most for his whole life. Yes, you do not want it this way, it ruined your perfect marriage but what done cannot be undone. Do not give yourself another reason to be unhappy.

Think the other way round, if you had not found out &amp; exposed him abt the existence of the other woman, he will have taken you for granted for all those things you have done and contributed to the marriage, right? In the end, you may even thank that woman for her effort to break you up, because she is no match. Do not be angry with the woman anymore. She is not worth your time &amp; strength. Save your strength for your baby &amp; rework your marriage. Focus more on your baby and keep yourself busy with your baby.
 

patti74

New Member
I fully agreed with Tulips_Sweet....

At this point of time, I know hus still not giving up on that woman nor showing any signs. In fact not even any sign of remorse of what he is doing.

At this point of time, I am just focusing on my baby. Doing whatever a rightful wife supposed to do so that he can't find any fautlts in me for pushing him closer to that woman instead.

For now, I am only taking in whatever but I am sure it will comes a day when I can no longer take in anymore, DOOMS Day will follow. I am keepting quiet doesn't mean I am fine or okay with his affairs.

I am trying as hard as I can to prevent hurting my son. To many, he may only be a baby so it might be better if I were to end my agony early and start afresh with my baby. But too bad, Baby is very sensitive and can sense a lot of emotional turnmoils that is happening around.

I am just praying and hoping that things will turn out peacefully for whatever outcome it may be.

I am prepared, fully prepared like I told my mother in law. Since the day he admitted to it and still holding onto the other woman till this very day, I am already living life better for I am ready to lead a new life with or without him around..........
 

fairyprincess

New Member
I have been thinking...

If a man with kids can go after other women/ have affairs etc, then eventually, even if they settle down with the other women (OW), the OW can never be sure these men will be with them forever...

i.e.- if these men can hurt you, they can hurt the next women/ OW too...and if the OW know their character (i.e. these men have broken up their own family)- won't the same situation happen to these OW in the future???

Unless these OW are thinking of short-term ie for $$ only. .and move from man to man, not serious about settling down...

What a lousy character for a guy...
 

tulips_sweer

New Member
Rainie, in your heart you are the only one who knows best what you have to do. Your purpose here is to let out your resentment, sort of an avenue to voice out. &amp; for us, we can only give you some advices, opinions and share our experience with you. The ultimate decision is solely yours to give him a death sentence or probation.

I know you appeared to be a tough lady &amp; with strong pride, but inside your heart you are utterly shattered. All you need is support, encouraging words to move on. So do what deemed right for yourself, your baby, your hb, your marriage, your family &amp; your life! Who doesnt make mistakes? You can forgive him, but trust me you cannot forget. Same for me. We are women of strong dignity &amp; pride, but soft inside.

Give yourself time to work through your anger, resentment and hurt over the whole issue. Talk to your hb about it and let him know how let down you feel and how you will require time to heal. Be firm and let him know that you are willing to give it another try but he has to cut off all ties with the woman. (change HP no., delete friendster a/c, change email addr)

Do PM me if you need a listening ear. This is the support you ever need.
 

tulips_sweer

New Member
Some insights to share, from http://hubpages.com/hub/Forgiving_a_Cheater_-_Staying_together_After_an_Affair

Can the marriage survive?
WHAT IS AN AFFAIR?

I actually got this concept from a very old episode of Oprah. Basically what she said, is that it is cheating if you would behave differently if your partner were watching.

That is an excellent definition. For many people an affair means sex. But for other people an affair is anything flirtatious. For some couples, certain behaviors are totally acceptable, like going to a go-go bar, or flirting online in a chat room. For others, such behavior is cheating. Some couples have an open relationship where they can engage in extra-marital sexual situations, but many of those couples have their own rules, such as - no kissing, no friends, no second times.

It is important to make sure you and your partner agree as to what constitutes unacceptable behavior. What anyone else thinks should have no baring on what you and your partner agree to together. But it is vital that you and your spouse are on the same page where this is concerned.

So, you and your spouse agree on parameters for your own relationship. And your partner breaks that agreement.

Now what?


TYPES OF AFFAIRS

There are many different kinds of affairs.

1 - There is the kind where something stupid happens without premeditation or thought. A bachelor party that goes too far. A drunken night in Vegas. "Oops. Sex Happened. I didn't know what I was doing."

2 - There is the kind where it's all intimacy but no physical sex takes place. Affairs online are probably the most common type of affair. Workmates, partners, online chat-rooms... "Since I didn't actually have sex, it's not cheating."

3 - And then there is the full on affair: planned meeting, purposeful rendezvous. Thoughts, romance, sharing, talking, intimacy and sex, all taking place over a period of time. Premeditated. Lying. Everything. "This isn't just a sexual affair. It is an affair of the spirit, mind, and heart."


AFTER AN AFFAIR

Can you forgive a partner that violates the agreement you've made together regarding cheating? Can the marriage survive in a healthy way? That depends.

The first thing you really need to consider is, what kind of affair it was. Let's bluntly break it down.


1 - If it was an "Oops, sex happens" thing, I think from the three types of affairs I described above, this is the easiest to forgive. I'm not saying it's OK, justified, or acceptable on any level. I'm not even saying I would forgive it. But if anyone were to forgive any kind of cheating, I can understand this one the most.

In this situation, someone's head and heart can still belong to you. The flesh was weak. Stupid. Drunk. An opportunist. In a very general way, I can understand forgiving a mistake. 'Still not saying I would, but I can understand.


2 - If it were the affair I described in the second example, that's much more than "a mistake." It's purposeful deception. An affair someone has with a person online, or a coworker, or some situation where sex doesn't happen but there is an intimacy and sharing of emotions and thoughts, is a much deeper thing. The idea that your partner spent time with this person, thinking about them, planning to be with them, having conversations and secrets, laughing and crying... to me this is much more important than one drunk night where someone's pants fell off.

Another point to be made about this, is that there is no way in hell your partner didn't know they were breaking your heart. Whatever they say, whatever they claim, they had to know it was wrong or they wouldn't have kept it secret. You would have been included in those long conversations or chats, you would have been invited to those meetings, if there really was nothing to hide.

This is not only a betrayal of your vows and promises, it is blatant disrespect to you as a person. They cheated with their head and their heart. To many people, myself included, this is much worse than cheating sexually.

3 - The third situation I described above is the full fledged Affair. The whole big enchilada. Purposeful planned meetings, sex and intimacy, closeness and conversation... an Affair, that goes on over a period of time. The ultimate betrayal of every thing that should mean any thing to your partner.


FORGIVE? FORGET?

Is it possible to forgive and forget that third example? That full fledged purposeful intentional affair of the heart, mind, and body?


I think the better question is, why the hell would you? Why would you even think about taking back someone that is capable of lying to your face over and over and over again. Why would you want to be with someone whose promise means nothing?

If this is where you are, you really need to ask yourself what the real reason is for you to even entertain staying married to this person.

If your reason is "for the children" please think again. Do you really want to teach your children that infidelity is OK, or that lying to people you pretend to love is OK? You aren't showing your kids what it is to forgive; you are only showing your kids what it is to be a doormat.

Any person who grew up as a child in a household that "stayed together for the children" will tell you what I'm saying. I promise - any one of them will back me up. Many books have been written on this subject, on the guilt those children feel when they grow up for the parent's being miserable, on the lessons they take away from living like that. It's the dumbest reason in the world to stay together.

If your reason to want to work it out is that you still love this person, think about what self respect means. Get a little therapy. Take a little time. Think about how this person treated you by lying and cheating. Love is hard, and most of us at one time or another has loved the wrong person. But spending your life with a person that clearly does not love you back is a horrible thing to do to yourself. It's a horrible lesson for your children. It's soul sickening.

Let's make this clear: You deserve to be loved. This person does not love you. No matter what they've said out of guilt or fear, they do not love you.



A HEALTHY EVER-AFTER

The healthy thing to do is not spend time and energy and heartache on a marriage that isn't worth it.


There are reasons as to why your mate cheated. Maybe you married young, maybe he has real emotions for this other person. Maybe she's fucked-up, maybe he's just a coward. Maybe the marital sex hasn't been all that. Maybe kids, finances, illnesses, work pressures, and a million other things are involved.

The problem isn't that "problems" cropped up.

The problem is your mate's CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying and cheating.

A person that promises their life to you, then chooses to be a coward when the going gets tough, is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. This person demonstrated in the biggest way possible that they do not love or respect you.


Your mate should have come to you. There should have been communication and trust. If after real effort you couldn't work it out, then your mate should have initiated last resort separation proceedings. If your partner was that unhappy, they should have gotten out of the relationship.If they loved and respected you at all, that's what they would have done.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
hi tulips,thanks for all your adv, i really thought it was good, until i read the article you posted up (i haven't go the website yet but i just read the one u copy paste above) and im appalled actually. LOL. my husband had the affair that consisted of the "whole enchilada" and im staying. does that mean im stupid? i dont know, sometimes i think so but sometimes i think im not. sometimes i think my husband was in a weak place at that time, low self esteem coupled with circumstances, but other times... i think he's just a coward, a stupid one at that.

why would i love a person like that? a person who promises their life to you and chooses to be a coward when the going gets tough? because this is a one-off event. yes it happened for a whole one year, but one more time it happens, im out for good baby. i NOW know im strong enough for that.

but thanks for the article, im not attacking u, just voicing out my thoughts. hehe.

btw im not patricia. i guess there are many betrayed wives here. very sad to see this, i really feel so heartbroken to see so many people in my position, honestly. it sucks to know men CANNOT be trusted at all. Not a single one of them. i know women arent perfect but men.. urgh.

i'll reply to the rest of u wonderful ladies tomorrow. thank you so much for posting up, everytime i feel upset, this is where i come to read and feel better and vent. knowing u all are there helps me a lot.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
fairyprincess - <font color="0000ff">Yes, if your hubby wants to be helped- by all means, otherwise, its like smothering him with +++ affection and questions, wonder if he can take it??</font>

No, not help him up by smothering him with affection. I did that last time, I gave him SO FREAKING MUCH affection and love and whatever else, and he did that. There are apparently some exercises to do to help boost his self-esteem, so I don't know, perhaps I'm going to try.

I agree with you, men can stray anytime. I used to be very confident my husband will never stray... how to stray? His workplace all men, honestly. No females AT ALL. And he doesn't call his female friends anymore. I was wrong. Ya his workplace no females, but all these male can go out to KTV lounge and find. And he put the slut hp number as a colleague's name. Clever monkey.

<font color="0000ff">--> If a man with kids can go after other women/ have affairs etc, then eventually, even if they settle down with the other women (OW), the OW can never be sure these men will be with them forever...

i.e.- if these men can hurt you, they can hurt the next women/ OW too...and if the OW know their character (i.e. these men have broken up their own family)- won't the same situation happen to these OW in the future???

What a lousy character for a guy...</font>

YES I always wonder this too! I can never fall for a guy like that because I mean, your heart won't be at peace right or not. But for me, it's because I believe in karma. What you do to me, God will ensure it happens to you too... worse stuff. I believe in that. LOL (it makes me feel better!)

Lousy character for a guy? No. Honestly deep down I know my husband's character is not like that. I truly believe he's a good man. Call me blind and stupid but I believe this truly.

He was just caught in circumstances and he IS a very weak man but it's the circumstances etc that made him do it. Maybe. I don't know.. maybe I'm only saying this to make myself feel better. LOL.

Shrext - <font color="0000ff">Hi Rainie, if I'm you, I think I'll just leave him be. Why want to improve his self-esteem? For what?</font>

Argh I dont know!!! LOL. Those infidelity books said usually people with low self-esteem have affairs. So the other day we were just talking and he said yes he does have low self-confidence. Especially when he compares himself with me. So that slut actually make him feel powerful and manly because her life is so f*cked up and he can save her... that makes him feel really good. I'm very confused actually. I really don't know my role in this marriage sometimes. Am I supposed to be weak? Strong? Argh!

Tulips, thanks. Your advice is very good and very appreciated. I need all the support I can get, because my close friends don't know about this... only my manager knows, she's the only person I confide in about this. My family are very judgemental people so I dont talk to them about this. So I vent alot here. Thank you all you ladies for being here and posting.
 

fairyprincess

New Member
Hey Rainie, no prob about posting here...I think many of us also find it enriching to understand about this topic...

I remember this was posted somewhere and it really made sense..."you cannot know if your hb will stray again, you just need to know what YOU WILL DO if he does"...so so true...

If your husband is truely weak and truely remorseful, then I think you should give him a chance...

I am quite impressed you are handling it very well- with a new baby, usually mothers are super busy, so a pat on the back for balancing things during this difficult time...
 

jenbabe

Member
rainie

He was just caught in circumstances and he IS a very weak man but it's the circumstances etc that made him do it. Maybe. I don't know.. maybe I'm only saying this to make myself feel better. LOL

Please forgive me for saying that but i doubt your man is "weak" given this fact that his affiar with the OW lasts for one year or more and he even treats the other woman much better during one year n also sent the OW's friend home as well.

Anyway i admire you for tolerating for so long.
 

jenbabe

Member
Rainie, I truly HOPE your hubby is TRULY remorseful n hv changed for the better now since your discovery few months ago.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
fairyprincess, thanks for that pat
if im being reallyreally truthful, i'm balancing things quite ok because my husband is suddenly helping out a lot after i find out about the affair. he prepares my baby's food, milk, bathes him etc, without me asking. hehehee.

Ocean, I dont know if he treated her better than he treated me. My counsellor asked me the other time, "if you dont know about the affair, would you say you have a good marriage and he treated you well?"

I honestly answered yes. I thought I had a good marriage, my husband treated me very well (he buys for me things, bring me on trips (with a bit of nagging but he will still bring)

It's only on hindsight, that I compare with what he give that stupid bitch like send her home etc that makes me mad. If I were to be fair, yes he did send my sister for her driving tests or to work, he sent my mom to market also. But its the energy, the effort that was NOT supposed to be given to the OW that makes me mad. Do you get what I'm saying? I hope I'm making sense. LOL.

He's weak also because I know he tried to end the affair a few times (I read on the blog they shared together) but that bitch would threaten to tell me etc. So he's not manly enough to threaten her back with something. I don't know liao. Head pain think about this sometimes.

I dont know how to tell for sure if he's truly remorseful. He cried during our couple counselling on Monday. Said he felt so stupid and if only he can undo everything he would. He said he can't believe he caused the person he love most that much pain.

Have changed for the better? I think so. I guess. I had to make a list, you know, during counselling... I had to list down the changes he did, and he listed the changes I have done so far.

His life is an open book now, he lets me check his emails and handphone. In fact he leaves his handphone lying around and if I check, he will just smile and walk on. He will video-call me if I dont trust him. He has changed his hp number, deleted all those friendster/facebook/multiply accounts, and created a new email address (which I have the password)

Most of all, he changed his job. He LOVES his job, and for him to quit, he said he really felt very sad because his achievement need in his job is very high (we found this out in counselling)

In fact he quit his job BEFORE he got a new job just to make me feel better... He quit on 1st Sept, and his company let him go after 2 weeks notice. He then took a salary cut of 70% (yes 70%) and worked at his brother's company, so far for 2 weeks.

But he just got a new job today and it's office hours and the salary is quite good! He's starting on Monday.

I guess that's why my posts today have an upbeat post? I feel hopeful that this new job can be a fresh start for him and our marriage.

It's only been 2 months since I found out. Sometimes I still feel disbelief, did that truly happen to me??? But today, for once, I feel hopeful.

ps : I still HATE that bitch though. If murder isn't a crime in s'pore, she'll be dead by now.
 

pingping

Active Member
Hi rainie

Glad to hear that you are getting better. Hope it'll get better as days go by. From what you say, yr husband has changed a lot for you. Is he a soft hearted person? Seems like it, not very decisive too otherwise he would make a clean break with that woman, don't hv to drag till a year.
I think you need to help him to become stronger and be firm. I believe you can do it. Jia you.
 

notsuperwoman

New Member
hi pingping, you are right. he's the LEAST decisive person i know! seriously he is. throughout our marriage it's always me making decisions, but he says its because he wants to make me happy. but even with things nothing to do with me, he is like that.

one thing though, he change to be good father / good husband... but i think he need to change the inside also. as in, change character abit. is that possible??? LOL.
 

patti74

New Member
raine

As compared to me, at least yr hus shows signs of remorse and willing to work things out with you.....

Mine, he thinks he wants to enjoy having the best of both worlds. On one hand, coaxing and SMSing the other woman 10 over times a day. On the other, he thinks just by holding me when I broke down yest abt whatever has been happening is good enough. He didn't said he was sorry neither did he say he would let the other woman go...He just held me...that's all....

So what does that freaking means?

I am really going to go mad very soon....I have to act like as if everything is normal for I am currently living under my sister's roof, waiting for my new house to be ready....I didn't want my family to worry and I am also sure they would want me to give up this marriage for this is not the 1st time already.

I am really bery frustrated with things that is happening...
 

pingping

Active Member
Hi rainie,

I believe a person's character can be changed or improved, but it takes a long time so need to be very patient. It's not easy though, need a lot of communication to make it work. It'll take years, for me need to nag my husband as well cos he's always in his comfort zone.

For yr husband, you hv to let him learn to make decisions. If he pushes it to you, just do nothing cos you can't be making decisions for him all the time. To me, I feel yr husband is lazy too, as he knows you'll make the decision for him. Hope this helps.
 

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