Hubby cheated on me while I was pregnant.

Initially I just wanted to go MOS and see what's so gd abt MOS that's keeping my hus there every Fri till 5-6am Sat morn, even when I was pregnant during my final trimster, my hus would still be there every Fri nite. But unfortunately I saw what I shouldn't have seen and you can imagine my heart just dropped.....

I know many would asked, why didn't I walk up to them and gave the woman a slap across the face like in those TV dramas. Honestly, what's the point? What the TV dramas didn't show is after the slap we give them, in the end would only drives our husband further away and he would never admits that its any fault of his already esp after I were to slap the other woman. So just be smart abt it....use it against them instd.

According to him, it started around early aug...The woman is from his part time degree class.

I even asked my husband doesn't the fact that he is married irks her. Apparently it did but she still continue. What a joke!

I really wondered what's going on with some women these days. They have no values nor dignity at all. Hurting fellow sisters like that. She better pray hard that when she is married, her hus better not do the same to her....As I do believe in retributions! That's why I am not going to do anything drastic.

I decided to leave it in God's hands, to lead me to where He wants me to......and in His time he will heal me from the pain and hurt I am suffering.

Actually I have another close friend who is also going through the same. And we have also each other's shoulder to cry on whenever we need. Our husbands are too similar and the irony is they are also very close friends......

LIke my friend said, she believes God brought the 4 of us together for a reason. Our husbands seems like cheating on us around the same time. The last one was 3 years ago and now also almost the same period......
 


but if i dont tell my hubby where i go, he will act the same thing back to me. but i cant loh, i need him to tell me where he goes whenever he go out.
 
i strongly agree with what you say. I also believe in retribution. I remember there is one time, i quarrel with him very badly, i told him if he still insist to play around with other gals, your retribution may falls on my gal. I told him that sometime, retribution won't falls on that person himself, but will falls on their children. I scolded him, i told him better to stop all these, i dont wish to see my daughter suffer when she grows up. I ask him to think back, what if his future son-in-law treat his daughter this way, how would ur daughter feels. Think before you act.
 
I got a hypothetical question.

If you had a daughter and she has 2 type of man to choose from (each quite extreme) who would you recommend:

A) Great person, loves your daughter and very sincere. But very weak and unsuccessful both financial and otherwise and just cannot provide for family or even provide his fair share of help in case daughter working.

B) ok guy, very responsible but has a habit of cheating and sometimes a bit of a bastard. But very successful and can give your daughter and family a very good standard of living.

I personally go for B. However based on the responses I got a feeling many will go for a A. In real life not so extreme but some lean in more A or B. I've seen both.

And regardless of many will say, the B type guy usually get's the girl. The poor A guy gets zero or has to settle for less than what he wanted.

Opinions?
 
patricia:
unfortunately, they say "birds of the feathers flock together" and when friends do the same thing, over time, our men will feel that it is alright and worse, normal to cheat on their wives.

your hub and his friend, you say they are close pals.. this will mean that your hub must be some one who gets the inside story on why (if there ever is a reason good enough to cheat) the friend cheated and that friend must have really convinced himself. your hub, a good friend, would also be convinced that his friend did the "right" thing.

its the "frog" theory.
put it in boiling water and he will jump out because the difference in temp is far too great. but if you put a frog in a pot of cooled water and slowly bring it to a boil, the frog will be cooked eventually because he doesnt realise the temp rising.

fatherof1:
interesting.

incidentally, i used to date a guy like A. he loved me to bits and we were in a very serious relationship for 3 years. unfortunately, 3 years on, he was still the same. not much progress in his work, had a lot of dreams but no real action to support his dreams and i felt that he was dragging me down.

I married B, well he wasn't exactly responsible and of course i didnt know him to be even anything close to the cheating kind but he cheated on me.

i wouldn't say A is the poor guy because he probably found some girl who didnt have as high an expectation( at that time, my highest expectation was getting a flat of my own. i didn't even want car or motorcycle. haha)as me.
he would definitely be happier, right?

sometimes we women are being called materialistic but really, is having a home of our own really that materialistic? i wasn't even asking for a condo, or a bungalow for god sake.

then i came to realise, it is only when the guys can afford to get us things then we are called "fortunate" and "lucky" .

if the guys can't afford to, then we will be labeled materialistic even for simple date-stuff like movies and flowers.

am i right?
 
cherie:
after your baby's birth, your hub stopped contacts with the girl. later on, one simple message sent you fuming and you lost it.

i can understand.

because that was exactly what happened to me only 1 month ago. my hub is still colleagues with the other woman. my hub recently saved her bday in his phone.. and this is mind you, 2 years after their affair. i cried in the car and he scolded me. he told me it was nothing and he saved all his friends' bdays.

she is nothing now he said but they are still close by any definitions although i am not comfortable with it.

if she needs to pee or poo, she will inform him over msn before she trotted off to the toilet. his zipper was broken and he told her over msn too.

i don't like it at all but i have come to "accept" that they are close friends. and they are not doing anything wrong technically. of course i still feel betrayed but i realise that with my acceptance of certain things, my life is a lot easier.

your counsellor is right. pains like this dont just go away.. my hub strayed when i was expecting and even after my girl was born, they continued and became even worse.

but to cut the story short, we are okay now but i still have my demons.
 
patriciakoh - "I even asked my husband doesn't the fact that he is married irks her. Apparently it did but she still continue. What a joke!

... As I do believe in retributions! That's why I am not going to do anything drastic."

my husband's close friend, who also know the slut, is having an affair too, with the slut's friend. STUPID OR WHAT THESE PEOPLE??? I really think they are very stupid. When my husband was having the affair and I didnt know, he actually told me about his friend having affair and he pity the friend's wife. STUPID IDIOT ah my husband??? I really so angry now when I think about it.

Same like you, she is irritated by the fact that I'm still alive! She said she's willing to wait for me to die so she can marry him! I believe in retribution too, which is why I haven't done anything like email her telling her what I think, because I believe God will give better punishment than I can ever give out. She better watch out loh. God is fair, I know that much. That is why my husband got caught
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staff, what do you mean by you are ok now? your husband confirm stop the affair already? did u go for counselling to work through the issues? how sure are you that it wont happen again? or are just staying in the marriage for the sake of baby?

fatherof1, I've dated type A, and married type B. I mean, i didnt know my husband was cheating kind, but he did lie once or twice when we were dating. Type A I dated had no 'future' so to speak. He was very unmotivated, lazy to work or better himself, but loved me with all his heart. But I broke up with him because I hated that he was very unmotivated, and about a year later, met my husband. I'm not even talking about cars and such, he had a motorbike that time but it wasn't important to me. I like that he was motivated to be better in life.

Honestly though my father would ask me to choose A. When I was about 20, when he just allow me to start dating, he told me always choose a guy who loves me and is good-hearted. Nevermind if he is not rich... heart is more important.

Sigh...
 
rainie:
on hindsight, there are improvements in our relationship.

we somehow know when our husbands are up to no good. something ... our vibes will tell us. but from his late nights (when he was seeing the other woman) to his one-a-week late night (after he asked me back) till now..

during weekends, we are always together .. in the evenings after he returns from work, he doesnt stay on the computer for long also. he will just be downloading emails, reading up news on straits times, or his soccer news..

then it will be play time with my girl and me in the room and then we will all turn in for the night together.

it doesnt look like he has any time to maintain another serious relationship now. besides the other woman is finally getting married to her boyfriend who divorced his wife to be with her.

both my hub and i did not go for counselling. but i went for 1 session and i stopped.

as for how sure it will not happen again, i really don't know. but i did tell my hub that he has a problem with women.. as in he attracts them. so it is really up to him to prevent a second coming.

i am glad to say now that we love each other more. and we also appreciate each other and show our affections for one another. so for now this is what keeps me going. and i guess this is enough to keep me going for a long time. i can also see that my hub loves our girl a lot more now compared to the time when he was distracted by the other woman. thats a comfort already.

and honestly, i have learnt my lesson; i am a lot nicer to his parents, i hardly nag now, i smile all the time, i am sweet all the time now and i hardly lose my temper unless i am really really mad. and i didnt use to be like this.

if this happens again, i wont fight for him anymore because i dont think i can be any better already.
 
Hi Ms Staff,

You are right. Same as when us guys call a girl high maintenance or classy. The woman is not different, its a matter of interpretation. Life is unfair that way.

Hi Ms Tan,

Option A and B are the extreme ends, the other options are varying percentages of A and B. For the record I have NEVER seen a super successful or driven guy stick to one women. And I'm not talking about Singapore only. Other countries included. Whether that's depressing or not, that's what I have observed in my interactions. I had a discussion on this with my dad once because he was old generation and also not economically successful (worked in a factory). He was very loyal to my mum and during the break-up of my first marriage he said he was disappointed since one of the causes was my infidelity. But my response was he could only have a right to judge me if he was in my shoes where you doing well, you meeting lots of interesting people (many which are females) and you keep getting choices either to be good or bad. Maybe he still would be loyal. Who knows? But he can't say for certainty can he?

Mr Michael, I know the temperature in this thread is going to lower by a number of degrees shortly, but being truthful I'm more a type B. I can be a real bastard when I'm feeling nasty. Also I won't lie, I have fooled around and my first marriage broke down because of it. But I've been trying my best to be more good and esp when I got re-married I've been trying very hard to focus on more productive activities than chasing women. I took one advice after I got re-married which I have kept 100%. Since then, I have never fooled around with "normal" girls. By normal I mean colleagues, friends, friends friends, or even acquantances etc. As the saying goes, don't pee in your own puddle. In any case I'm not really sensitive so I can't stand all that lovey dovey seduction bullshit. I can barely do it with my wife, so I'm certainly not going to say stuff like "I love you" or "I miss you" or some other ding dong comments to a girl I barely know or just trying to sex with. Even though I am a guy myself, and also a type B, I can't stand other guys that try those tricks. Having said that though I am more a type B so I should probably not really judge as I'm naughty myself.

Ms Rainie, My thoughts on mushy SMS or MSN or emails is given already above. I don't know how guys can do it, but cheating wise, I really can't poke a finger without poking myself first so no comment. I ask this question to some of my leads and opinion was mixed from a father's perspective.

Ms Staff, I'm happy that you and your hubby are working towards a more amicable life without going extremes. Hope everything works out for you.
 
fatherof1

You and my hus are on the opposite extremes though both belongs to the type B category.

My hus is gifted with the glib of tongue. Honestly if you asked me, he can literally sell ice to the eskimos. And most of the female counterparts were charmed by this gift of his.

Not only is he good with his mouth, his literature to keep his girlfriends going crazy over him were even more flowery than the Flower Festival that just ended not long ago.

He is not afraid to eat and poo at the same place. Not forgetting the most recent "invasion" is his classmate from his post graduate class.

There were once when we were discussing about infidelity. He refused to comment on that guy's infidelity cos to him he said he is no position for he had forsaken his wife for other woman before. I was like "wah! How cleverly did he avoid the most sensitive topic without offending anyone!"

I am sure from what i said about him, you can already picture how smart and politically he can be.......

Yes, of course like many here. I have also dated option A and in the end I dumped A for B which is my current husband! It took Guy A a good 5 years to forgot all abt me and start his life afresh....He is now happily married with 2 beautiful children...and he has changed too, becoming like Option B guy but without the cheating part on his wife......And yes, we managed to keep in contact and still meet up once once in a while.

So i guessed situation changes a person too!
 
I wrote a short script. Here it goes.

Characters:
- Charlie the Cockroach
- Sally the Shitty Fly (the ones that buzz around fruit)
- Frank the Flea
- Diana the Dustmite


Background:
Charlie is a real bastard (option B). He is married to Diana the dustmite but recently got the hots for Sally the Shitty fly. Frank the flea is Sally's boyfriend (option A).

Scene:
- Charlie: [SMS to Sally] Hi baby. Miss you so much. Every time I kiss Diana all I can think about are those intimate moments we had last week next to the garbage shute.

... [no reply]

- Charlie: [SMS to Sally] Anything wrong? I can't live a moment without knowing you are happy and in love with me.

- Sally: [SMS to Charlie 30 min later] Got your message, can't talk right now. I'm out with Frank.

- Charlie: [SMS to Sally] ok my love, I dream for the day we can spend more time together.

[Sally and frank back home and Sally taking shower. Frank sees SMS and reads from Sally phone]

- Frank: [SMS to Charlie] Who the heck are you and what do you want from my girlfriend?

- Charlie: [SMS to Sally/Frank]: Easy bro, actually I taking drama class and sally and I are just practicing our scripts. Sally really loves you, you got nothing to worry about. Plus I'm married.

- Frank: [SMS to Charlie]: ok bro. Sorry to disturb.

[No reply from charlie, later that evening at the cockroach mansion where charlie and Diana live]

- Charlie: Hi lovey dovey, you like the flowers I got you?

- Diana: They are beautiful, you are the best husband ever. big smiles.

- Charlie: ok then, I need to take a crap. I'll be back in a minute.

- Diana: [Straight away checks Charlies mobile phone.] What the F**k is this? Who is Sally?

[Starts biting things, the people on the bed suddenly feel very itchy.]

- Diana: [Charlie walks back in]. Enjoyed your crap you bastard. Who is sally huh? [Charlie drops his newspaper]

- Charlie: just a colleague my sweet.

- Diana: Sweet my ass you cheating bastard. Don't think I don't know about your little other bastards, all 50 of them living next to the rubbish bin in the next unit. I'm not stupid you know and even if I was I'm very mobile on account I can leap very large distances so I can check a lot of things you dumbass!!

- Charlie: Oh shit, I better find a dark corner to hide. Sally calm down. This is only the 40th time. By cockroach standards I'm very moderate and not the worst. My buddies even had 100 times what? It's nothing.

- Sally: I'll show you nothing. I'm chopping it off.

- Charlie: Arrrhhh .... lucky a cockroach has more than one birdie. ha ha.

[Next day charlie hanging around the local pub and sees a nice looking grasshopper]

- Charlie: Hi sweet cheeks. Your legs are long and sexy. Can I be your friend?

- Grasshopper: I've got more class than to talk to some 2 bit loser buddy. Look in a mirror, your a freaken cockroach for god sake. No-one likes cockroaches even other cockroaches. Get a life. I only hang out with praying mantis or better. Buzz off.

[and charlie gets drunk and goes back home having lucked out]
 
fatherof1

i swear Charlie is so like my husband....
What a irony! Charlie was the name of my last dog, had to give it away cos my boy grew allergic to it....
 
Hi Ms Koh,

Yeah, I took a bit here and there from this forum to "construct" Charlie. If you got any real sms or msn messages please share so I can continue to evolve Charlie to a more life like state.

Yes what a coincidence, I chose the name Charlie as in Charlie Chaplin or Charlie and the Chocolate factory. I'm thinking of expanding my cast to include Danny the Dragonfly and Lizzy the Ladybug. Both new characters are nicer ones. Can't have a scene with only baddies. No good for ratings.

Ms merz,

That's a very *chim* question. It's sorta hard to answer. But I guess in a nutshell super successful is either really rich businessman (hundreds million or billionaire level) or corporate folks who earn millions a year and run divisions containing thousands of people. It's sorta shallow and not complete I guess because the philosophers will start quoting happy people as successful, but I will keep it very black and white. Hope that answers your question.

PS: I passed this onto my team and today we performed the script. It plays pretty well. Maybe I really should change my line of work.
 
fatherof1, my hb is successful. he's down to earth and loyal to me. he puts his family first always. he loves his son so much tat he is always e one putting him to bed every night. he's also a great cook.

i'm not here to boast. i'm here to tell the women who have less than perfect husbands tat there are definitely men out there who deserve our time and love. i'm also not saying tat you should leave your man. it's really your choice but pls don't be disheartened. life will definitely get better with or without them. it's your life and your choice.
 
For me, my hubby is not rich or any successful but he is also down to earth and faithful (so far lah), share household chores and take care of baby every off days.. But who knows will he remain this way for the rest of our life?
 
well last time i also thought my husband so good. he puts my baby to sleep when he's at home, he cooks for me more than i cook for him and he's very filial to his parents. humble, down to earth, respects elders, very religious somemore.

YET HE HAD AN AFFAIR.

nothing's for sure in this world. sorry to burst your bubble but men are able to compartmentalize very well. enjoy what you have now, because you never know when your world go go topsy turvy suddenly. sorry but that's the truth, that was how it was for me.
 
Rainie_jane,

I totally agree that men can compartmentalize extremely well.

What I don't understand is how they can live with lying through their teeth- do they feel any guilt at all that what they are doing is fundamentally wrong? Or do they find reasons and excuses to justify their doing, so that it becomes correct/ or his right to do so...

Anyone knows?
 
rainie

i do agree with ur view.. it also happened that this guy friend whom i got to know thru SMF is that what u said abt yr hubby. This guy is very prefect as a hubby but unfortunately he ONLY THINK of F**k.. i feel sad n also dread the day i might find out my hubby will turn out to be the same as the majority of those unfaithful married guys. I do understand those terrible feelings. very scared...
 
i strongly believed that men normally will give excuses to justify their doing. Like unable to have sex with wife as wife was pregnant or unable to communicate with wife and stress out, hence look for the other women then deliver into something sexual and many more other kind of excuses. But they never blame themselves
 
Yes!! I agree.. such guys deserve to be called bas***d. some more, they tend to think as long as they hv done their part as a hubby/daddy, they dun see anything wrong with looking somewhere else.
 
some of them are worse they can simply go around and have sex even with prostitutes, behaving just like a animal, ie sex without any love. They don know how much it hurt the wife when the wife found out.
 
Well, true.. i am not sure if u all know or not.. I m not frightening u all sisters lah, but from what i know thru the guy friend, he told me he often made use of his lunchtime(1-1.5hr) or take half day leave for his activities so that his wife wont find out. Good to cover up his secret activities... that was why i m very scared of this (sic)....
 
i agree with rainie, mi at first tot that i had married to the correct man. My hubby is a handly-man, no drink, no clubbing and no gambling but end up.... haiz...
Man will not treasure those people who really treat them nice. Only when u leave him, he will then feel the pain.
 
fairy princess, after reading alot of books on affairs recently, i found out that most men use affairs as a "getaway". I think with my husband it was certainly that way, he was scared of responsibilities, and so this slut / the affair helped him forget he's actually already a family man. Its very stupid, but its like how a drug addict use drugs, an alcoholic drinks. Some men cope by sex.

My husband said he felt guilty ALL THE TIME, yet the more guilty he felt, the more he went to her. The affair was like a drug that made him forget who he was. And hey that was what it said in the books too! It's really confusing, but apparently its true in my husband's case.

MAR, im not sure about my husband when he was having the affair, but NOW he blames himself. He said he's stupid etc. But during the affair, I dont know. He himself cant remember, or so he says. *shrugs*

Ocean, very true! My husband certainly thought that way. He give me monthly money, bring us out etc... so he think his job is done as husband/ father. Plus he met her late at night after we all asleep (he sometimes work night) so he say its not interfering with our time. Now then he realise that he is in fact interfering with our time!!! He only realise how stupid he is after we find out.

And yes what u say is true. Got one of my friends, her husband take halfday, bring the slut home. She suspected something so she also take halfday. Go home and found them in bed together. Now divorced already. I guess if you see them live, it's MUCH harder to accept and forgive.

Qinqin, YUP they only wake up after we show that we dare leave them. That is how it was with my husband. I packed his clothes and told him to leave, that was when he REALLY woke up and begged for forgiveness. Before that he still thought im ok-ok. But after I told him to leave, that was when he really knew he can lose me.

I'm still working out the marriage. I've been through individual cuonselling and our marriage counselling starts next week. It's been one tough journey. I also read a lot of books on infidelity, and I think my husband was just "lost" Our marriage needs work, and we are going to work on it now. Sigh.

Sorry lah to be longwinded. Just wanted to update you ladies on how it's going. Because you all helped alot when I was going through that excruciating pain.
 
i am in a fix.

my husband wants another child but i don't want. i cant forget what i had to endure and go through while i was expecting and after my child was born, how i had to stay at home while he went out with so and so and who and who..

honestly, i really don't want to have no. 2 but he said he is good now and he wont have another affair. but who is to say?

i will really jump down if i DO get pregnant and he does the things he said he wont. after all, he also said he wont be involved with another woman when we got married.

i really hate this!
 
staff, u hv to stand firm on it if u r very determined not to hv no 2. Seems u r badly hurt by your hubby that u dun want another 2. child for your hubby, is it?

Easy for your hubby to say he wont be involved with another woman as the future is hard to say....
 
hey staff, my husband wants no.2 also. i told him no, not at the moment. we've both always wanted 4 kids, but at the moment im contented with just one.

same like your husband, my husband also say he wont do again. but who is to say right? last time also he said affairs are wrong. worse, he was the one who wanted a child more than me, he was the one who was so excited when we found out the urine test said positive, yet he's the one who went to do nonsense things outside. it doesnt make sense to me.

did u go through counselling? i forgot if u mentioned. maybe, just MAYBE, if both of u know the reason why he had the affair, you both will know how to avoid it this time round.

but as Dr.Phil say -
1) if he's going to do it, he's going to do it again no matter what.
2) u dont have to trust him. you just have to trust that you know what to do if it happens again.

i find that no.2 is really important. i dont really care about my husband's hp etc (although admit i check sometimes lah, heehee) but more importantly i know i will leave if it happens again. im working up the strength to be independent and saving $$$, in case it happens agian, im free to go with my son.

i think now most important is work out the issues between you and your husband. if you want to stay in the marriage, must both be happy mah? that's what i think. difficult to do but its very important right? for what stay in unhappy marriage... that applies to both you and your husband... both needs must be met.

(ya ya easy to say, i know
sad.gif
 
to really maintain a relationship and have no 2, trust is really impt.
My in-law always chase me to have no 2, they say when u have another child, ur hubby will become better when u give birth again.
i told them what if i give birth to no 2, although he is good to me in certain period, but what if both grow up, who can promise me that he won't start all those nonsense again......
In the end, i am the one who is suffering with 2 kids... am i right...i tink now 1 is enough loh, if anything bad happen to me, i still can afford to take care 1 loh... hehe....
 
ocean, raine
yes, i am still very much affected by what happened although i think positive most of the time.

i would say i managed very well with my no.1. and when i found out abt the affair, i just packed and left with my kiddo. but with 2, i dont think i can pack up that easily and go.

right now, i pay for my no.1 .. everything from clothes, to milk to school to enrichment. i dont think i can manage with 2. right now, i can afford to put my girl in a good sch, but i cant say the same for another kiddo. and the analogy i used is this:

right now, i can afford to give my girl rice. but if i have to reduce my girl to porridge just because my hub wants no.2 then i rather not have.

and it also doesnt look like my hub is ready to help me out much. he wont give up his computer games or his soccer matches or whatever he likes. and honestly, i dont want to burden myself esp when i know i will have to be the one doing the parenting all the time. and i hate it when he says, "your girl wants you what can i do?"

rainie,
i went for counselling on 1 occasion only and i stopped cuz i dont see a point in it.
 
oh staff that's exactly my husband!!! he will say "your son wants you, what can i do?" and he's always with his PSP and his soccer... last night i was angry, i told him do you want to take DNA test to confirm he's your son? because he heard our son cry, yet he just lie down like as if nothign happen because he know i will get up.

i think the answer is in you staff. if you think he's not really an involved father, then its better not to? like you said, its giong to be hard to pack up and leave with 2 kids. that's my thinking too. i want my kid(s) to see their father as very hands-on. right now i dont know if my husband can rise up to that challenge. what more with 2 kids. he got to prove himself first with no.1. Maybe you can tell that to your husband.

sorry to hear that ur counselling sessions didnt work out. myhusband hated the first time counselling session he went to also... didn't want to continue but i pushed him to. now he likes it, because he knows more about himself. if it doesnt work for you, maybe you can buy self-help books.
 
rainie
i am fine with the affair now.. took a long time but i have kind of recovered. things between my hub and i have more or less gone back to normal.. but i would say a lot better than when we first had the child. at least now, my girl is older and she can play with him, make him laugh, tickle him and all..

but thats play.. when it comes to serious stuff like putting her to bed and making milk for her, unless there are very specific instructions, he would be lost.

i know my hub very well.. even better than he knows himself. haha.

now its just the kid part.

i dont want to open myself up to that kind of suffering again: me staying up late to wait up for him, and him coming back in the wee hours in the morning. aiyoh.. i dont think i can go through this again. i took a long time to recover and be where i am today.. i really don't miss those horrible days!
 
one of my good friend's husband also had an affair last year but they had patched up, also gone for counselling together. My friend forgave him but also can't forget. Keep thinking of the affair. Regretted marrying him due to shotgun but she also hope their marriage will be stronger than before after this incident. They have 2 young kids.

Another good friend of mine, just broke up with her 10 years bf. Suspected he had a change of heart though he denied. They actually planned to get married end of this year but who knows the bf lost interest in her suddenly just last month..

Also another gd friend of mine admitted to me, she had sex at least twice with her hubby's friend behind his back but later due to guilt, confessed to her hubby. Her hubby cried, slapped her and after that, forgave her.. They even had a baby after that and very loving still..

So many real life stories which really freak me. I guess outside temptation are really hard to resist irregardless men or women. Just have to practise self-control and be responsible and do have moral values..

I also fear my hubby will stray esp. i don't look attractive anymore after pregnancy..lost my self-confidence hence i always keep a close tag on him but i don't think is healthy also.. Sigh.. too many worries after marriage.. Have to worry about our babies' development, parent's health, endless worries..
 
haha i know what u mean. i sometimes think i know my husband better than he knows himself too. he's so lost when it comes to alot of things.. sometimes i think i know the reason for the affair more than he knows it. in fact he STILL DOES NOT know the reason. LOL.

i know what u mean, if i have to suffer those days again (actually still suffering, but you know what i mean? to start all over again from Day 1 of discovery) can die liao.

judy, i agree with u, so many things to worry about. now my husband quit his job already and sitll havent find new job yet. last day at this company will be end of this month.. then my mother nagging ask why he quit his job and always scold him. he had to, because of some complications with the slut. arrrghhhhhh my life suddenly gets so complicated. sometimes i just awnt to run away with my baby and husband and hide in an island forever.
 
Ms Judy,

That's a very heartfelt post you did. And also one of the sincerest and honest assessments I've come across regarding this topic. I respect you for that. I feel a bit humbled actually. Thx for sharing. Hope you and your hubby do well and all the best.
 
Rainie, sorry to hear abt your story and same to those less fortunate moms.

one of my gal friends had a similar situation like u (in fact i tot u were her initinally...) her hb betrayed her during her pregnancy or even earlier.... the gal was even pregnant and aborted a child before my gal was preg (1st child).... and i even knew her hb brought the woman home the 2 nights when she was in the hospital giving bith....(guess what, i cried for her that night i discovered this and didn't know what to do.....anyway, i don't think she knows this till today) At that time, i was wondering (and discussing with my hb) if we should tell her all this... but not long aft (i think a mth or so) she told me all abt this....

anyway, to cut it short.... i went overseas for couple of mths and realised that they have patched up and seemed (i'm not sure cuz i didn't ask much) to be a very happy family... and of course i do hope so... till now... already a couple of yrs and they seem to be really a very happy family and i really see her husband has changed to be a really good husband and a good father.....

i may share this story with u if u're intersted. PM me...

All the best to your relationship with your hubby...

P.s. sorry for being busybody (anyway, if i were in your shoe, i may do the same too).... i realised u like to count the date.. like how long u discovered the truth... i think if u really want to have a "start fresh" with your hubby, counting all these is not useful.... like one of the moms replied.... the length is not impt... one day he cheated u means "he cheated you"....
 
Yes, that's absolutely true.....

Couple of days ago, I sent an email to my husband telling him I could no longer take it of him having the best of both worlds.....

Know what BS reply he can tell me....First he claimed he is not exactly having a good time at work, stress enough hence he has no time to think of such things. And next he can tell me, that woman to him is only a companion. Cos I have been too preoccupied being a new mother, no time for him and thats why he turned to her....He can tell me he is not romantically linked to her.

How irresponsible. I wondered how would the other woman feels if she hears this. During the last affair, he also doubted the woman when she told him she is pregnant with his child.

Wonder if I should tell this to the other woman. What a selfish man my husband is.

Or should i just her suffer in the end cos it seems like my husband would not give up his staple food ie me and son....and would anytime just change his variety of other food.....

My friend can tell me that she can sense that my husband still loves me very much but he is lonely still not quite used to sharing the attention with my son. She even asked me to try and bear with it and if i am willing to do some adjustments and fit my husband into the picture. She assured me he will return.

But my logic is even if he returns, there would also be another time. Then how am I going to take it!
 
little precious, thanks for telling me about ur friend. Guess this kind of infidelity is very rampant. I dont know why these men so itchy backside want to get married so fast when they are not ready for the responsiblity of kids and family. But my husband assured me he will change. Based on what our counsellor and his family members see, they think he will change too. But for me, its too soon to say. I guess men can change, esp after they have a wake up call like wife threaten to leave or something. I hope my husband will change too... Because if he doesn't, I'm going to leave if it happens again.

YESSSSS I like to count the date!!! LOL. *knock head on wall* I don't know why and it can't seem to stop!!! Must really try, must have determination!!!

Patricia, my husband doubted the slut when she told him she pregnant too. Because he dont trust that she is having sex with him only (??!! CRAZY OR NOT??? After the abortion can still continue the sex, even though he dont trust her to be "faithful" to him only. CRAZY!!!)

Honestly, now I kindof want to meet that slut, tell her exactly what my husband think of her. Now she's trying to get my husband back or something... I also don't know liao. Recently she posted up pictures of herself and her breasts popping out of her bra on her friendster page, and put caption like "i promise someday you will regret, you will realise i'm the only girl who loved u the most! i dont need u back!"

and she send forwarded emails etc. i wanted to reply or both me and my husband reply to her, tell her to f**k off, but our counsellor say just ignore her. If we ignore her, someday she will stop (hopefully!!!) She's just trying to "remind" my husband she's still around. WTF.

Patricia, our husbands ARE selfish for having affairs. I never thought my husband was like that, thats why his affair really shock me. with me, he's so generous, so loving and considerate. But to have an affair is incredibly selfish. When I hear about the affair details, it strikes me how much more selfish he is!!! It really shocks me!

Just let that slut suffer. I want to take revenge and let all these sluts know they are not important at all. Men have affair to escape their real life. My husband admitted that if it's not this slut, most probably could have been someone else, because at that time he just wanted to escape frmo his life. So all these sluts think they so important but they are not.

My husband loves me alot too, I know that. Especially after I read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Affairs are NOT about us, the wives. It's about the cheaters. They either have low self-esteem, or their life is messed up or something, but it has nothign to do with us. Even if our marriage got problems, he no need go have affair what.

You know, that slut actually emailed me after I just found out, said that our marriage must be have lots of problems thats why my husband go to her. So I cannot blame her, she said. She's SO wrong. Stupid f*cker, she dont know a single thing. Even my husband told our counsellor our marriage is good, but he as a man wasn't ready for baby and the responsibilities. So these sluts are stupid for being disillusioned.

What kind of woman will stoop so low and get the remainders from a wife anyway???

Maybe you and your husband can try counselling? Or you can buy those infidelity books... it really helps me understand my husband more. Sometimes I highlight parts and let him read also. But we still have long way to go before we are healed.
 
rainie
i want to see that woman. you post the friendster link here if you are comfortable.
and other than surviving infidelity, what other books are recommended?
 
Rainie
will be also good if u can reveal her friendster account here too.. i really cant believe that the other woman in your marriage still has not feel the shame. OMG!!!

also care to share which book... i am curious to read the books too.
 
hi fatherof1, thanks for your best wishes..
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Hi rainie,

After following your thread almost everyday, i strongly believe your hubby loves you alot and was seriously remorseful, that shameless woman is nuting to him. I have confidence your marriage will be even stronger after this..

A article to share. Let your hubby read..

All the best to both of you..
 
Most adultery cases came in the form of friendship, developed over a period of time after close frequent communication. Adultery usually doesn't happen overnight but over a period of time. Adultery will not happen easily if there are no opportunities for it to happen & there are no close frequent communication between two potential adulterous parties. The key thing is talking frequently & deeply to opposite sex outside of the marriage and not being considerate to your spouse. When you share your feelings or talk frequently & deeply to opposite sex outside of the marriage, you are inadvertently opening a door & an opportunity for your marriage to end up in divorce because you will eventually develop feelings for the other person over period of time. However you should note that your days of hunting for a spouse are already over and therefore you should concentrate on making your marriage work rather than seeking outside for love and/or companionship.

Some readers may thought that married couples forgot their married vows or did not love one another. It is not that people forget their marriage vows but that frequent & deep communication with opposite sex outside marriage have changed friendship to love. In some cases, married couples do love one another but because one spouse was not careful with such a communication (thinking it is no big deal) fall in love with 3rd party through frequent deep conversations and into sin of adultery. Marriages are breaking up at increasingly rate partly because there are more opportunities for process of adultery to take place in this modern society where husband & wife spend more time in a working environment where there are immense amount of male & female interactions.



Satan & his demons are very, very smart. Satan & his demons know very well that all marriages have their ups & downs, quarrels, misunderstandings, momentarily unhappiness, etc. Satan & his demons make use of one's selfishness combining with marriages ups & downs to bring about sin of adultery. To bring about sin of adultery and break up a marriage, all Satan & his demons need to do is to influence whoever the selfish person in that marriage is to be inconsiderate, to care about himself or herself and not to consider the feelings of the other partner and whispering in the selfish person's weak mind to rationalize that it is alright to talk frequently & deeply to opposite sex outside the marriage and sharing deep feelings with opposite sex outside marriage. Over time, with more shared feelings, combining with marital misunderstandings or lack of communication due to character flaws of not trusting own spouse but trusting more of external sources, illicit closeness & love will developed and as already being inconsiderate to one's partner, Satan & his demons will come in again & deceive that it is alright to go to bed with someone outside the marriage because the partner will never know as it will be between two adulterous parties & no one else will know. For the grand finale, Satan & his demons will step in with evil intention to reveal that one's partner has gone to bed with others so that both will quarrel badly, resulting in either divorce or murder or suicide.



If you truly love your spouse, do be considerate and not put your own marriage in jeopardy and consider the feelings of your partner who should be your best friend & chit chat partner. Don't fall to Satan & his demons who convince you that it is alright to talk frequently & deeply & share feelings with opposite sex outside your marriage. These are lies & deceptions put up by Satan & his demons and you should tell Satan & his demons that such days are over & you want to concentrate on loving & cherishing your spouse.

If spouses guard their marriages by being very careful in their communication with opposite sex outside marriage, Satan & his demons will not succeed that easily in their dark deeds in sending another person to go after any spouse as feelings did not take root & grow between the pursuer & Satan's target as there were no frequent deep conversations or confiding in each other. Most people take it very lightly that it is alright to talk frequently & deeply to opposite sex outside marriage and with demons-infested so called marriage experts advocating personal space & freedom in a marriage, we have more & more divorces via adultery route due to frequent deep communication with opposite sex outside marriage. We write this article today with the help of our Lord God & Holy Spirit to show the truth so that married couples stay married and children not torn apart with divorce.

Be very careful of whoever tells you that it is alright to talk frequently & closely with opposite sex outside marriage, for your own marriage sake avoid them & reject them as they are bad influence to your marriage. Don't fall to Satan & his demons lies & deceptions that your spouse is controlling who you can talk to outside your marriage when your spouse has good intentions to guard your marriage. Know your enemy, know their lies & deceptions. Any bullshit marriage counselor or marriage books that tell you that you need to have personal space & freedom and that it is alright to follow your heart and talk frequently & deeply to opposite sex outside marriage thereby leading to sin of adultery is sent by Satan & his demons. Cast that selfish marriage counselor or marriage books away and stay away from them & your marriage will be more secured than others who follow their rubbish ways of thought.

Satan & his demons can use another method of feelings of the heart to cause the break up of marriage by influencing the mind of a lustful nature of man to shower emotional words of love to another married woman so much so that the married woman rejects the husband's many years of love & commit sin of adultery by accepting the lustful man's flowery, heart wrenching & beautiful words of love at the time when her husband is busy with work & does not shower enough attention to his wife or that the married woman is weak in will & mind and is easily persuaded by the lustful man through emotional manipulation thereby leading the woman to commit a grave sin. We understand that it is very difficult to withstand temptations & reject another person's illicit love when there exist marital misunderstandings or unhappiness or invisible wall barrier between spouses. One way or the other, somebody has to be rejected, it is either your spouse or the other. You have to remember that all these are Satan's & his demons' work - combining marital ups & downs with a fervent, emotional manipulative chaser to create illicit love & causing man to fall to sin of adultery when man is weak. Therefore in face of such an onslaught by Satan & his demons we should stand firm in face of great temptation and resign from the company if that person is your working colleague. Change your contact numbers so that whoever that demons infested weak person cannot contact you forever and at the same time you protect your marriage and yourself to avoid the terrible sin of adultery with equally terrible & unavoidable consequences of sin.

We can see now that Satan & his demons are very powerful and come in through our human weakness. Satan & his demons make use of deceitful heart i.e. feelings, selfish character, inconsiderate behaviour, unhappiness, quarrels and human weakness, to cause adultery leading to divorce. Don't give Satan any helping hand or assistance by not guarding your communication with opposite sex outside marriage.

It is easy to blame Satan for causing us to sin in adultery and marriage ending up in divorce. We should not blame anyone but ourselves for sinning. We did not stand firm to God's 10 commandments & the scripture. Satan & his demons will not succeed in causing us to commit the sin of adultery if we follow the teachings of Jesus Christ of "love thy neighbour" which is your wife or husband and not acted anything against loving or harming your neighbour. We cannot blame Satan for causing us to sin as we have a weak mind and do not guard the mind and spirit against such temptations to sin or guard against selfish thoughts. We have ourselves to blame and should take responsibility & repent and ask God for forgiveness and not sin again.

Now that we know how Satan & his demons can bring about havoc and destruction in our life. We must therefore guard against whisperings, negative emotional thoughts, selfish thoughts, jealousy thoughts etc and adhere strictly to God's commandment and God's word so that no matter and however Satan & his demons try to influence our mind to bring about destruction, they will fail as we are on constant alert for such openings and influencing of minds to sins. Therefore my brothers and sisters, stand firm in Christ, do not let Satan & his demons influence any of us in any way. Constantly guard our thoughts & spirit and not be selfish but be holy.
 

judy, thanks for the article, it's good. I was looking for articles that explained infidelity from a religious POV actually, but hard to find. thanks for this article, im going to send it to my husband to read.

you know, last night i had a long discussion with him (which ended up with me crying nonstop til 3am) he explained lots of things to me, like how the affair led up to sex etc... it was really really painful to hear but it helped abit. she was easy, very slutty.. my husband said that. my husband of course holds the most blame, but i think that bitch played a huge part too.

i know she's nothing now. my husband realises his mistake, he keeps saying how stupid he was, how it was such a huge mistake and he regrets it so much because he didnt know it would cause this much pain and misery. im happy to see him really regretful and remorseful but at the same time i feel sad not knowing if our marriage can really survive this. it takes such hard work, and im tired trying to suppress the negative thoughts
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Ocean, other than "Not Just Friends" by Shirley P.Glass (which is a really good book) i also read "Surviving Infidelity" by Rona Subotnik & Dr. Gloria Harris.

Here are 4 more but I can't seem to find in SG, so I might perhaps order from Amazon...

- After the Affair (Janis Abrams Spring)
- My Husband's Affair Became the Best thing That happened to Me (Anne Bercht)
- Surviving an Affair (William F.Jr Harley)
- Adultery: THe Forgivable Sin (Bonie Eaker Weil)

I really want to get the book by Anne Bercht, read on other infidelity forums that it's very good. These books were recommended to me when I read other infidelity forums.

Ladies, I'm going to follow ribenagr8s advice and not post up her picture or her account here. Reason is, I am trying to find a way to get her to bring down my husband's pictures (even thinking of sending lawyer's letter... do you think it'll help?) I think if I post up her pictures here, I wont have much of a fight against her in trying to get my husband's pictures taken off her site. Know what I mean? I hope you understand.

Actually you all curious how she look like isit? Blonde hair, THICK makeup, slut clothes that shows off almost all of her breasts. If big breasts nvm loh but this one very normal small size one. LOL.

Today I go to work with such swollen eyes.. stayed up til 3am crying last night because I was so sad suddenly think that I'm not so special to my husband. Sigh.
 

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