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Hubby cheated on me while I was pregnant.

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by notsuperwoman, Aug 19, 2008.

  1. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    I actually posted up about 2 weeks ago asking for advice, to find out whether my husband was cheating or not..

    --> http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/messages/5/1610509.html?1217907446

    Turns out that it's true, my worst nightmare happened. it's been nearly 2 weeks since i found out my husband cheated, and we have been to 2 counselling sessions so far. i'm still staying with him because he seems really remorseful and wants to change. so im giving him a 2nd chance but still bracing myself, if it happens again, who knows, i'll just leave with my son.

    the affair started when i was 5 months pregnant.. we were only 6 months married then. he said he was stressed, and scared baby was coming (when he was the one who wanted a baby at first!!) we were always arguing over financial stuff, so he went to let off steam by going karaoke with his colleagues.. and then this girl wanted to get to know him. at first he resisted but the girl came on to him many times.

    they ended up having an emotional AND physical affair. lasted one whole year. he said it ended in early july, but i think it really ended only when I found out and told his parents and we all confronted him.

    he went to meet her the night i gave birth, u know. i was in pain, and he went to meet her.

    and apparently they had sex once or twice a month at a budget hotel at geylang.

    so, guess what, this morning i went to work, in the train, i saw the hotel from where i was standing in the train. it totally broke my heart and i just wanted to cry inside the train, but i held on to my tears, bit my lips.. and sms him telling him how much i hate him etc.

    when we confronted him, he said it's all over, and he's been repeating it nonstop, and i believe him, because i read a post on a blog they shared about 5 days before i found out abt the affair. yes i was reading their blog for about a week before i found out the truth, without knowing it was them. that was how stupid i was.

    throughout the whole 1 year they were together, i did NOT suspect a thing at all. that was how good he was.

    soon after i found out, the girl posted up pictures of the 2 of them together. she's that evil. only 20 years old, still immature. i and my husband are 26. the pictures are nothing vulgar, just hugs and all. but it broke my heart. he has since stopped contacting her, changed his no, he's looking for a new job now.

    he said he wanted to break up with her many times, from the first time it started... he felt so guilty all the time. but each time he dont know why he goes back to her.. part of the reason is he said each time we argued, he would go to her.

    yes there was physical abuse in our house, i always hit him when im angry. so with her, he felt manly. in fact he told me when THEY argued, he will hit her exactly how i hit him. CRAZY OR NOT??!

    i asked so many questions.. what positions did they do it in, did she suck him, where did he kiss her.. u know what, the girl even got pregnant, and 2 months after i gave birth, she went for an abortion. then she had the birth control jab.. and guess what, when *I* went for the birth control jab, he pretended to know nothing about it at all.

    he said he didnt pay for a single thing with her, except for the abortion. $600. he did not even pay for my delivery at all.. i paid every single cent. hotels, condoms, all she paid. sigh. my husband is like a prostitute yeah?

    i am so sad this happened to our marriage. we've only been married 1.5 years u know. people say this might make our marriage stronger, but im so scared and tired and i just hate him sometimes but i know i still love him too.

    i dunno why im posting this up... just to vent i guess. i feel so lost and depressed. please dont tell me discouraging things like divorce him etc... i am staying with him because i want to give him 2nd chance and see if he will change. plus i dont want to be a divorcee at 26 with a son in hand.

    im so scared and tired... how long will it be before things get ok??

  2. tanlengleng

    tanlengleng Active Member

    For you baby...
    You may want to forgive him & start fresh?
    It's not possible to forget, try forgiving 1st?
  3. hippo1227

    hippo1227 Member

    Hi rainie, i feel so sad for u. I've been following ur thread from the start. U must have felt so depressed and hurt. Pls stay strong for ur bb. BB needs u!
    It's easy to forgive but extremely diffcult to forget. Ur husband has hurt u so much, what's more emotion was put into this affair. Frankly speaking, if i am u, i am not sure what to do too. If u're prepared to give ur hubby a second chance, u'll need to forget all those hurt he caused which is very difficult. I'll pary for u & bb, & hopefully u'll see the lights @ the end of tunnel soon. Good luck, gal.
  4. s7870127g

    s7870127g New Member

    Hi Rainie:

    Ya I agree with Felicia. Try to forgive him...For the sake of baby...Give all of you a chance...To build a happy home together

    Takes 2 parties to make a relationship work again... Try not to mention this issue again if possible. If you are prepared to give him a second chance than you must also put in effort in making the relationship works...if you keep bringing the same matter up to him whenever u quarrel with him, he might feel that whatever he does is fruitless.

    He might seriously have the intention to change for the sake of u and baby... If he don't love you, he could have choose to leave you when you found out about his affair. The fact that he has stopped contacting her, changed his no and looking for a new job now,showed that he is sincere to change and that he still love u and baby.

    Take care... really hope that you will be happy. U still have all our support.
  5. sukiyi2006

    sukiyi2006 New Member

    I think in your mind you already know what to do & what you actually want! You just need support here.... Think about it, if you can survive yourself, sure can give better life for your baby (with family help) & don't love him anymore just leave him lor. If not, try to talk to him, get his word that won't happen this thing again. Try to forget everything give him a chance. Few months ago, I also think that want to leave my hb but can't survive myself & don't want my family to worry about me. So just sit down, talk to him many many times. Quarrel & quarrel... till now, many things kept in heart but we still together lor.

    Life is like that one lah... no one is perfect, if he's willing to change then is ok. Me also very hot temper ppl, many thing already happen although I try to forget but sometime still feel very angry & can't control myself then scold him hard hard. He just left me alone with baby, give me space & time to think & relax myself. When he's back, like nothing happen before.

    Many ppl used to tell me, leave him lah... what for follow this kind of man, sometimes talk very easy but difficult to do lor. If my parent also support me to leave him, I think I'll do like that. But they told me He's not so bad compare with others, want me try to solve problem with him not just run away when anything happen..... you can't anything now.... only think & think.. yourself, other ppl can't help. Try to talk to him, understand each other more. What he actually want???
  6. julie_c

    julie_c Member

    Hi Rainie, read bout ur thread, am a new member and i feel for you. Its hard ezpecially if u have a kid in hand.Sometimes life is quite cruel letting us face this type of problems.. But if not, we'll never grow wiser right... My hb always blame me when we are financially strapped.. i always thought of leaving him but im pregnant now so i really dont know what to do.. Sometimes its easier for us to say to others to forgive and forget but deep inside its hard to make a decision.. Im just wondering.. Are men too weak to face marital problems and just run away to another woman who are the same species like us?

    Rainie, be strong.. Love urself and ur kid more than anyone else.. Most important thing u have to know is u dont live this life for others but urself.
  7. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    at the moment i still cant forgive. yes i feel sad for him, he must be so depressed or stressed about things for this to happen (because usually he's very levelheaded & rational), but i cant forgive that he had an affair yet. i think its going to take a long time. im not there yet... im still hurting too much.

    i want to make the marriage work. i read online about marriage after affairs, some marriages actually get better after an affair.. hopefully my marriage will be like that. but for now, the hurt is so strong, i keep thinking about it and asking him questions (which i dont want to hear the answer!) after he answer, i feel like vomitting!

    life is so tiring this way, i wake up every morning feeling so tired and sad. i look at my baby and i feel happy momentarily, but after that i remember how he did his nonsense when i was pregnant and giving birth, and i feel so angry and sad again.

    sukiyi, if i leave him, i can support myself and my baby financially. plus my parents will give me support in whatever i do, although they discourage me from divorce, bcause he talked to them privately and apologised etc.. and they think he will change, because to them he looks very remorseful.

    for me, many people say stay.. if he willing to change, give him 2nd chance. but its so tiring yeah? i'm so tired of feeling sad. plus i keep thinking, what if next time we have argument or he feel stressed? will he go find woman again?? he say no, it wont ever happen again because he saw how in pain I am... but how to really trust him? do u trust ur husband sukiyi?

    i used to think im not strong enough to have this kind of problem. maybe that's why God test me this way, to let me know im a strong woman. but honestly i was suicidal when i first found out. im not that strong afterall. i had so many thoughts in my head and i feel like im going crazy, so i felt like die is better..

    sometimes i think im stupid for giving him 2nd chance. everyone say staying takes more courage than divorce, but i dont think so lor. im scared of facing the world alone. my husband has always been my best friend.

    honestly i think men are very weak, but its the women who seduce them.. the women are very evil. we always want to be better than the next woman. u know, my husband told this slut that he was married, before everything started.. she just say "SO?" what a slut right?? so men ARE weak, but women can be very evil. why cannot help protect own species feelings??

    i want to make myself better now, i joined gym and going to start going for facials etc. so if anything happen again, at least im in good shape and can easily find someone else? haha.

    i feel so crazy lah.. one minute im ok, the next minute i just want to sit in a dark room and cry nonstop. how to trust my husband again? what's a marriage without trust? he say throughout the affair, no matter what, he loves me and will never leave me, and even the other girl knows that.. but what is love to him???

    just now during lunch time we went for STD/HIV test at DSC clinic.. i told him to go to check himself, and he said ok. then he call me up ask if i can follow him, because he's scared to go alone. i think he take me for granted.. always know i will be there for him. but i still followed him, because i think its my wifely duty.

    but when he went inside the room to take blood and urine test, i went outside the clinic and cried like mad. it hurts so much. i never thought in my life i will have to go through this.

    the HIV test is negative, but he have to check again in 3 mths time. the other tests, will find out results in 1 week. i'm so scared..
  8. julie_c

    julie_c Member

    I think the only thing that can help you is time.. i sometimes think time is too long to go through all this.. But it eventually will.. Although im not in the same situation as you, sometimes the hurt and disappointment is the same..

    Like u said, u wanna make urself feel better..
    Building ur confidence is the best thing that u can do for now.. At least u r taking a stepping stone towards ur happiness..

    If u feel like crying, just go ahead and cry.. Dont bottle up ur feelings.. It'll get worse and u will think negatively..

    i learnt one thing in my life.. i hope it helps in your thinking.. Nothing is forever, men will treasure us when we start to be confident of ourselves.. Guess its an ego thingy..

    At the end of the day, its never your fault..
  9. ms_yan

    ms_yan New Member

    Hi rainie,

    I know I can't fully understand how much hurt you are going thru, but from the way you wrote, can sense that your husband truely wants to make the marriage work again. At least he admitted his mistake and willing to face the consequences.Even go for HIV test.
  10. missylan

    missylan Active Member

    It is not easy to forgive especially after you found out so thoroughly about his affair. You shouldn't ask him so detailedly if there is a slight chance you might want to forgive him. Those details will not do you any good. Yesterday, I watched the movie "Sex & the city". One of them, Miranda's hubby had a 1 time affair, he admitted to her and was remorseful. Miranda moved out. For 6 months, they are separated... Finally, they consulted a marriage consultant.

    Miranda asked,"How can I trust him again?"
    Her hubby asked,"How can I trust you too?"

    I was puzzled and finally understand why her hubby asked that question.

    Maybe your hubby really want this marriage to work again but worrying that you will never trust him anymore which mistrust is a definitely no-no in marriage.

    Everything falls back to you, you got to ask yourself, do you love him enough to forgive him? Don't think about whatever factor, go to a spa holiday, put your mind at ease and think about this question. If you love him enough, you got to learn to trust him again. If not, divorce is the best solution as you cannot accept him back.
  11. estherholy

    estherholy Member

    Hi Rainie,

    I agree with Julian, nothing is forever. You will never forget what had happened, but you can choose to forgive.
  12. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    yeah i know, i shdnt ask him so many questions esp sexual details. but i cant help it, i want to know if he does with her what he does with me. but now i know, and i feel so sick... we have had sex once since the discovery, but i still cannot let him kiss me.

    my close friend told me i have to let him have sex with me, kiss me etc.. if not i will push him away again.. but its so hard. everything is so hard. i wake up and think why is everything so difficult.

    i guess i will forgive someday, and maybe learn to trust again. not 100% trust, but abit of trust. but i think it will take years. i wont divorce him over this indiscretion... its his first time and i want to see if he truly loves and treasure us. he say he does. actions will prove it i guess. like yesterday he fetch me from work, help me at home with baby.. wonder how long it will last..

    this morning went to work and saw that stupid hotel again. sigh. how to not see... very clear from where i stand in the train. sigh sigh sigh. veryvery angry whenever i see it.

    today i got individual counselling. his counselling session is on monday. hopefully it helps.
  13. koolness

    koolness New Member

    hi rainie,

    just would like to share with u my story..

    i went thru what u went thru too : husb went to find another woman & i decided against divorce as well reason being same as u, he told me to give him a chance.

    i told him straight that it was the only chance he had & if he dont treasure that one chance, noone would help him anymore...

    things were really bad after the incident. me being very emotional. him being very apologitic. & i dun trust him 100%. i dun allow him to touch me. not even hold my hands. it went on for about 2 mths.

    similarly, i too wanted to know each & every detail.. and he honestly told me, knowing i wont drop e matter if i dun know. and i know it is going to hurt me more if i know the details but i still wanted to know.

    & a friend told me, my attitude towards him then wasnt giving him a chance. and worse, it might just reject him and allow him to find another again. (which he didnt - thank goodness!)

    and i begin to change by trying not to remember that incident. and remember all the happy things he have done for me. for the 2 mths that i gave him cold shoulder, he just kept trying to regain my love.

    and i sat down and really talk to him regarding my behavior towards him, & my 0% trust. and he told me he understand. But on that same day, i also told him, I am going to start anew with him, meaning me not going to remember that incident. and he happily agreed.

    til today (1.5yrs later), we been getting on fine; very much in love. more than before in fact. i never forget that incident. and once a while when we argue, i will mention it. (which is bad, but i cant help it) but i also never 100% forgave him, and he knows it.

    but he have proven he deserved that second and only chance.

    my pt: if u really want to be with him; i guess by sitting down and telling him how u really feel about the whole matter is impt; (i have learnt that u must tell man directly, & not hints and not expecting him to know - they just don't!)
    & as much as possible, forget the incident, start afresh, start anew.
    the incident will make u as a couple stronger, much more in love IF ONLY u are willing to "forget" that incident. - treating it as a very bad nightmare.
    but do also tell ur husb that it will be the only chance he gets, & if he dont treasure it, than noone will be able to help him....

    hope my story can encourage u... i have been thru that nightmare & now, i can say i am happily married & i feel more treasured by my husb; he too feel love & treasured that i gave him that chance......
  14. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    jessie, thank you for sharing ur story. it made me cry so much, because i so badly want to reach that stage. i have heard of success stories, but mostly on angmoh websites and i dunno, i dont really believe them, but u give me hope. maybe we can get better, hopefully.

    i'm not giving my husband the cold shoulder, but i have terible moodswings. i will be ok, i can laugh with him and make jokes (even though it's only been 2 WEEKS since i found out!).. can have sex somemore, haha... and then suddenly i get so sad and cry. because i will suddenly remember details, or i will think how can he do this to me, and things like that. it hurts so deeply.

    how long did it take u to really heal? how long was your husband's affair? my husband's affair lasted 1 year, and most websites said it will take 2 years to heal. idont want that. i want to be better NOW, but i dont know how to get there.

    did u ever tell ur husband before u found out about the affair, that u will leave him if it happens? i used to tell my husband that so many times, its going to be a divorce if i find out there's another woman.

    then this happened, and i cannot bring myself to divorce him.. i love him alot. plus i can see he's truly sorry. but im scared, what will happen in the future? what if it happens again? im sorry, for your case, what pushed ur husband to have an affair? my husband said for him it was an escape from his depression. sigh. i never knew he was depressed AT ALL. sighsighsigh.

    what do u mean he has proven he deserved the 2nd chance? my husband is very loving now, but even during the affair he was quite loving. thats why i never suspect anything at all! i dunno how to gauge whether he's proving it or not.. sigh.

    thank you for sharing your story, i really appreciate it.
  15. coping

    coping Member

    raine, it is very encouraging that both you and your husband are going for counselling. it takes time to work thru the issues in this marriage but if you 2 are willing to work thru it, this marriage can be restored.

    do take care!
  16. koolness

    koolness New Member


    i would say until now, i am never really totally heal. whenever i think, i will feel hurt, i will feel sad. hence i try not to think. i dont think why he went for that other woman.

    my husb affair than lasted about 5 mths - he claim. i am not interested in the length of time. 1 day also means he betray me. 10 years also means e same betrayal.

    my husb knows from e start that should there be another woman, its divorce immediately no second tots, and the child will follow me. but in this case, he begged everyday, he kneel overnite asking for forgiveness & a second chance. his mum came to talk to me too - hence i gave him the second chance.

    my husb told me bcoz that girl was throwing herself at him & dunno wat other reasons - i didnt bother to know/find out coz i know myself that i have been a good wife & mother to him, so whatever is e reason is still not a good enough reason. but i guess the main problem of us is communication. he is communication more to me now as i am more with him. hence the improvement in our marriage.

    he proven he deserved the 2nd chance - meaning our marriage really improved a lot. i know wat is on his mind, he knows wat is on my mind. we dun hide things from each other. & we both handle our relationship better. for example, he brings me along on his friends outing & dun dump me aside just by talking to his friends. on e other hand, i don't keep to myself when out with his friends, i talk with em, joke as though they are friends of my own.

    little things add up to a lot.

    women are born to be emotional. haha. i guess the start is don't think about the incident & communicating with ur husb is very impt.
  17. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    goodtry, initially i was scared to even go for counselling. what if my husband realise after counselling that the other woman is better, that he wnts to be with her instead? but he insist it's all over and he treasures me now. i hope it will be ok.

    jessie, u are very strong. how long were u married before he had the affair btw? for me i feel as if my whole marriage got no good memories because the affair started just 5 months after our wedding. he started sleepign with her 7 months after that. you are very strong, you dont ask for details.. i keep askign for details. and then i feel so hurt and cry.

    his parents begged me to give him another chance too.. that is partially why i stayed.

    thanks for your advice though, i will keep in mind. i guess my communication with him is very bad, we always argue. i don't know why. hopefully after counselling it'll be better. but right now it still feels quite raw. sigh.
  18. zhuzhu_bibi

    zhuzhu_bibi Member

    hihi u might have slight depression which u can see a psychiatrist to get some anti-depressant some how it make u feel better.at least it control ur emotion
  19. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    no i wont take anti-depressants. u know why? because 2 days after i find out about the affair, that woman actually emailed me "do u need anti-depressants?? i will send them to u, free of charge!"

    i will never succumb to that. i have to be strong, stronger than her. a few days after i found out about the affair, she emailed my husband's friend "how is he? i miss him seriously alot. did he even love me in the first place?"

    my husband already stop talking to that friend, but we got his email password so we checked and saw this email together. i was so angry, and wanted to reply but my husband and sister wont let me. said that first of all its not my email acct, and secondly why let her know i'm bothered by her? better to move on and show off to her that we are still happy. at the end of the day my hubby choose me, not her.

    but its hard. i still want to email her telling her my husband was just making use of her etc. did any of you do that? take revenge of some sort?

    i know my hubby at fault for the affair, but i blame her too, because she knew my husband was married. she's such a big slut.
  20. julie_c

    julie_c Member

    Rainie dear..

    I see that you've made your choice to stay with him even after what has happened.. Which is good coz you are indirectly telling urself that this marriage can work and can survive this ordeal..
    U wanna be better NOW and not later.. I feel by you going thru this tough times even though you feel like shit, depressed or whatever, you will emerge stronger emotionally..

    Many times i've come across stories or from tv series, the men will always leave the wife for another woman.. And wife suffers but emerge a better human being with the help of family love, in this case your son.. And in the end what happen... 90% of those fools come back to their wives.. Becoz these men know that their wives are much better than their affairs..

    Likewise, hb must have regret his actions.. thats y he comes back to you and not that outsider.. Seriously, by him leaving the other woman is as good as telling that woman that YOU are much better than her and he loves you more..

    Revenge is always sweet.. But in this case, the only thing u can do to hurt her is to be happy emotionally with your husband.. When the other woman found out, it'll be sweeter revenge as it never work out for her..

    Tae care sweetie..
  21. isabellali

    isabellali Active Member

    That woman is evil. But by rejecting anti-depressant if you need it will actually do more harm to you.

    If I were you, I would reply her: 'Wow, you're taking it already.. You should be, anyway.. That man still come back to me after all.. That shows who worth more in his heart..'

    I would advice you to give him another chance.. Since you are already married to him and have achild tgt. Think for the child first before you make any decision.. Humans tend to make mistake, who don't right?? As long as he realise his mistake, I think he deserve a chance..

    dun let what that woman say pull you down..
  22. dying_heart

    dying_heart New Member

    Hi Rainine,

    Just sharing my story with u...my hb also stray & when i found out the affair...he still continue with her till my parents step in & ask him to make a decision btw family or the other woman...he choose us.

    It was hell for me when I know that they r tog...i cry everyday and hoping that he will come back to me...i gone thru the roller coaster emotion everyday...even when the affair has ended...i am in doubt...like u...i dun trust him & i wonder how to ever trust him again?...i hate him and tat woman for hurting me so badly...

    The recovery stage is a long process and times is really the only medicine to cure ur heartache...i am now slowly trusting my hb back & our relationship does show improvement as day goes by...i found out the root of our problem tat lead to the affair and I change...frankly speaking, it's difficult to forget becos until now...there r times when i will still think abt the nightmare and tat woman...i still hate her and I dun think I will ever forgive her for almost mess up my life...

    My advise to u...learn to let go slowly and forgive him...bury the past and start afresh...you will be able to see the rainbow at the end of the day!
  23. mum_of_2_girls

    mum_of_2_girls New Member

    Hi Rainie,

    Try to create more good memories with your hubby.

    Since your hubby has $600 to pay for her abortion, I'm sure he can pay for a nice room in Ritz Carlton.
    The bathroom in Ritz Carlton has a nice city view.
    Imagine soaking in rose petal bath with your hubby, sipping champagne and enjoying the city view together.

    After that wear your best lingerie and have beautiful honey moon sex.

    So everytime you look at that budget hotel, you won't have bad memories because your hubby brought you to Ritz Carlton whereas he brought her to cheap budget hotel.
  24. kyliechoong

    kyliechoong Member

    Hi Rainie,

    After hearing your story i think you should also give your hubby another chance to start afresh.

    Me myself, divorce my hubby also because of another woman when I was pregnant. But Guess what ...I am married to him again.

    I have 2 boys now 1 aged 6 yrs old and another 6 months.

    During my first pregnancy, my husband womanise so much that i wanted to jump off the builing. There was a particular day when he did not come home to sleep, i called him the next morning worried thinking if he had met with an accident. To my surprise, a woman picked up the phone! When she passed the phone to my hubby, my hubby just said" I am sleeping call you later"
    "What the hell!" i was thinking...

    After the birth of my child, things got worst. Ignoring me and also not willing to have sex with me. Never bring me n my boy out... I tell myself to tolerate all these for my boy.

    There's this day i really cannot tolerate i pack my bag and left for BKK with my boy for a holiday. i went for 5 days for the first 3 days he left voicemail in my mailbox scolding me but by the 3rd day he was remorseful and started saying sorry and he love me.

    AFter 2 years my boy was born, i had a etopic pregnancy and was admitted to hospital. I didnt know i had a miscarriage till i was in hospital. Y I was in hospital is also because i fainted in office. I remembered clearly when i was about to be push to the operation ward, i still tell him " dun betray my trust"
    WHen i woke up after the surgery he was not beside me, and the next day 1 of my galfrd called me.told her i was in hospital she was shocked and came to hospital to see me.
    When she came she started telling me how good my husband treat me except he loves to womanise. I feel it strange y she come all the way to tell me this. SO the next day while i was in hospital i called my galfrd at home. Her MIL pick up the phone and told me that " how are you coping with your hubby and that woman!" i was like..what is she talkng about?
    My frd MIL told me while i was in hospital, my frd saw my hubby in a KTV pub with a lady and hugging very close. My husband also told told my frd that he is sad when i am in hospital but while saying that he is hugging another lady.

    During that time I was very very sad and wanted to end my life...I was thinking how can a man treat me this way when I love him so so much. WHen i do so much for him. For all your info my husband is rich so alot of young girls do not mind being with him even he is married.

    There is 1 night my husband is sleeping and a lady called, i picked up the stupid bitch told me to divorce with my husband or i'l regret.
    These crazy animals!! Some of these woman will also call me on my HP and threaten me to divorce my hubby.

    Cannot tolerate anymore i divorce him finally and i am very happy without him but sometimes i see my boy without a father i feel terrible. Y all these happen to my family.

    After 1.5 yrs after my divorce my husband ask for a 2 nd chance because after divorce i didnt allow him to see my boy. no maintenance fee FYI.
    He tried very very hard to win me back and i told him " heart is dead"

    He tried so hard til my friends and family tell me he is a changed man. I gave him a chance to come into my life again. No sex though...

    Finally he pop the question:"will you marry me AGAIN" i was like what the hell?

    I told him i cannot accept him anymore because he had hurt me so so much. ensuring me that he is a chnaged man he told me to give it another try. We tried going out together for another 1yr with no sex and we dont stay together.

    Finally i accepted him and i am married to him again with child No.2

    ALot people ask me how can you marry the same guy twice when he betrayed you, i told them everyone makes mistake and should be given a chance and i mean it only 1 CHANCE.

    Of cos during all these you think how can you allow him to touch you when he has touched so many woman. If 1 is willing to forgive, forget we also can slowly try to forget.

    BTW before the marriage my hubby went for HIV test to prove he is clean.

    Now we are a happy family with hubby always staying at home with the kids and me sometimes playing mahjong and clubbing with friends.

    He even helped out for my confinement this time round. I am glad he is a changed man and gald i gave him a chance.

    I hope this story will help you to pull through.

    Lots of love

  25. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    kylie, ur story moved me to tears. i reallyreally just want to get there, i just want to get better. right now i still feel stuck in a rut. my husband is like u too, good pay job, got car etc, i think thats why the girl want him so badly. she can even say in their blog that she's jealous of me, and she's willing to wait for him til i'm gone. because my husband say to her that he will never divorce me, we will only separate when we die.

    i think that's why she trap him by getting pregnant.

    and same like you, when i was in hospital.. labour ward, my contractions were 1 in 2 minutes, he went off to see her. i heard that, i really hated him so much. when he told me that, it was the night after I found out abt the affair, i threw my hp at him and it fractured his nose. when i bring him to hospital, i purposely left him there alone while i go walk around. after i come back, i asked him how he feels. he said he feels really sad, he's reallyreally sorry. he keeps apologising, but i dunno how to forgive yet.

    AND, that woman emailed me again over the weekend asking if i divorce him already. CRAZY BITCH. i didnt reply, because my counsellor say just ignore her, but im so angry.

    and i take out my anger on my husband. so last night we had a big argument.. and i really hate it. i told him how stupid he is, how he is like a stray dog, just looking for scraps of food he can get. because that girl is KTV hostess, obviously got other men also. why he so stupid can think he's the only one with her.

    he just kept quiet, and kept apologising. sigh. my counsellor told me to think this statement each time before i say or do something "Is what I'm doing good for our marriage?" but sometimes its so hard.

    do you love him? do you trust him now? is it like ur first marriage to him, or better, as in deeper inlove feeling?

    isabellali, i wanted to reply to her but my family dont let me. they say just ignore her. if i acknowledge her, she will feel happier because she know she still got power over us. sigh, so difficult got PSYCHOS like this woman. i really hate her.

    dying heart, you are very strong.. i read ur other thread to get strength to carry on with the marriage. do you still go thru the rollercoaster emotions? i still do. for me its still very recent.. when did ur husband stop the affair? i still dont believe anything my husband say. last night he sms me saying he promise he will take care of me til im old, and we'll die in each other's arms. i cried because i really wanted that, but at the same time im so angry and disgusted he can say that, i feel like he's such a sweet talker!!

    Albee, he even say want to buy me something expensive to make up for it, but i dont want. i say i cannot be bought over. even if he buy for me an island, i still havent forgive him and cannot trust him yet. but i think, honestly if he were to bring me to ritz carlton, i wouldn't mind! hehe. i love surprises, but he seems to not know what to do now to make me happy. just keep giving assurances and giving me hugs.. even then, sometimes i dont want his hug, because i know he hugs her too. sigh.

    its so confusing. next monday he has appointment with the counsellor, individual session. i wonder what he will say to her. kylie, dying heart, do you still feel hatred sometimes towards your husband?
  26. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    sigh today is a very difficult day. exactly 15 days since i found out. i just want to hide somewhere and cry. i need a hug. i feel so depressed today.. i really cannot cope... sigh.
  27. isabellali

    isabellali Active Member


    dun think too much.. You have our support here.. Your bbz still need you.. You must be strong..
  28. dying_heart

    dying_heart New Member

    Hi Rainie,

    It's not easy to reach my current stage...I went thru alot...many doubts, quarrel, heartache...but I never give up my marriage...I work very very hard for it...I guess my hb is touched and finally he come back to the family and love me once again...my hb end the affair early this yr...

    Sometimes, I do still think abt the incidents/ the OW & have mood swing but i try to keep myself occupy and focus on other stuff...it won't do your marriage any good if u keep thinking about the affair...

    Rainie...it's normal to feel hatred towards your hb...i also feel that way in the past and I wonder why he want to hurt me so deeply...why can he allow himself to fall for someone else...

    But believe me, as times goes by...this kind of hatred will go away...the depression & painful feelings will fade as well...

    If your hb regret his action and want to come back to you and your bb...give him another chance...i believe everythgs happen for a reason...mayb like wat the other has said...it's a test god want us to go thru...

    Stay strong and you will be able to come out of this one day...there are light after the darkness...HUGZ
  29. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member


    so hard on you after the discovery of your hubby's affair.

    Dun be so depressed too much n try to be strong for your baby's sake ok.
  30. highvolt

    highvolt Active Member

    for all you ladies who stayed strong in marriage regardless of the men's infidelity, WAY TO GO! I don't think there are many who can forgive and stay in marriage for children's sake. That is a very noble move. sigh...if only these men can stay true.
  31. kyliechoong

    kyliechoong Member

    Hi Rainie,

    i love my hubby now but to be frank not as much as b4 coz like i say 4give is easy but4get is kind of tough. Sometimes when we quarrel i also will ask y you chose to leave me etc but thats childish end of he day is he is with me now.

    During that time without my hubby, i put my concentration in my boy who gave me support. You know when we are alone in the room watching Barney my boy who is then 2+ suddenly turn ard and tell me" Mummy I LOve you" then tears auto roll down my cheeks and my boy saw that he came to kiss me. From that very moment i told myself i must be very very strong for my kids.

    I must say if youget back with your hubby plse try not to rake up the past. Its unhealthy...
    Ignore that bitch most important is let your hubby know you love him and also dun grumble too mch when he is beside you.

    Some man hate it when woman grumble...1 of my gf grumble so mch the hubby shoot at her and say" i reali hate coming back home to hear you grumble like a mad dog!"

    From then she shut up and talk when necessary. i am not saying you canot talk but maybe now emotional so ...

    HHmmm maybe tell me where the woman work i get some ppl to thrash her up. shame on her..these woman are like that only want $ and good S#X.

    Is she a local or dragon gal? actually dun be sad and deppress...end if the day if your husband really treasure you he'll try all means n ways to avoid that whore...

    Sorry i am getting abit emotional here...
    please if you need someone to talk to please email me and i can talk to you coz i reali reali knw where u r coming frm.

  32. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    isabellali, sometimes i think my baby better off if my parents take care of him. last night i ask my husband why did he marry me, he said its because he know im a caring person, i'll be a good wife and good mom. i told him im not a good mom anymore, i sometimes feel so depressed i cannot do anything. sometimes baby cry, i just lie beside baby and cry also. so i told him u can leave me. but he say no, he wants to help me thru this stage, he knows we can get better etc. sigh.

    dying heart, thank u for ur encouraging words. i used to pray so much to God, dont put me thru this kind of test. i also always tell my husband, dont ever have affair beacuse i dont think im strong enough to handle it. i will just die. yet he can still do it. reallyreally heartpain. crazy man ah he.. i really dont know where's his brain and his heart.

    ocean i'm trying.. one step at a time. my emotions like rollercoaster. one minute ok, one minute sad. my counsellor said im traumatised and will need time to heal from so many things. sigh.

    justme, true! if only men can keep their pants on and THINK before doing anything!! why men so stupid sometimes?? i really envy those people with happy marriage, untainted by affairs. i would rather have other problems.. affairs are so difficult to cope with. its such a hueg betrayal.

    kylie, she's local. only 20 years old!! i saw her pictures, my husband hugging her inside OUR CAR, which i help pay for sometimes!! she look like a SLUT. take pictures must do big eyes and pouty lips and show off her small breasts in low cut tops all. stupid slut!! even my husband admit about 2 days ago that she does look like a slut, and he's shocked he can do that with a woman like that.

    honestly i want to do that also, go find some people beat her up. right now the revenge in my head is to go her KTV with my friends and ask her to entertain me. make her feel reallyreally uncomfy. i dunno why but that's the revenge in my head NOW. she knows what i look like, so she will know im his wife. i got so many revenge in my head but my counsellor say let it go. dont let her affect me. end of day, my husband come back to me. she got no one.

    but still!!! im SO angry with that stupid bitch. i really hate her so much. last night i go crazy and question my husband many things and my husband tell me sometimes she will call him and ask him to take MC, dont go work, go meet her spend time at hotel. CRAZY BITCH. but he say he reject. he say work is work, he never skip work to meet her.. only the abortion day he took leave. bloody idiot.

    sorry im getting really worked up. i feel so sad kylie. and so angry. so rollercoaster.

    i will email u when i calm down. wait my email got many vulgarities. haha. now very angry and sad. i really hate my life sometimes.
  33. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member


    At elast your hubby did make effort to be very loving and caring towards you thruout your entire pregnancy. is it something good for u thus u did not realise your hubby got woman outside. Me slightly worse than u. When i was pregnant with my #2nd baby(in my 2nd marriage), i got "warnings" from my friend abt my hubby's trying to betray me(he did), then i confronted him straight away n he denied it of cos(initally he wanted to look for f*** with my gfrenz outside but did not get so cos she warned me), he was very frustrated cos he cannot get to f my frenz, so he actually hitted me n kicked me, and even strangled me. i can clearly remember those days that after he beat me up, then i cried in the kitchen or room. Not once but he did hit/kick/beat me up from my 3rd month pregnant till i gave birth. I endured all his beatings cos of my unborn baby. he was really crazy to threaten to throw my son out of the balcony when he was barely a month old. But his parents knew everything as we lived together but could not stop him as they were scared of him beating them up. and my mil actually asked me to forgive him n give him chances. Out of respect, i forgave him. Now3 yrs later, he did changed for the better n treats us very well. He no longer lays his hand on us.. I am so lucky to stop him from feeling tempted to stray further but see what i got for stopping him.

    rainie, compare to my story, u r much lucky that your hubby did not lay his hand on u n behaved very lovely towards u, So, give yourself more time to forgive him n give him chance to repent for the better.
  34. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member

    My hubby did not feel anything for my pregnancy till he saw my labour pains and i gave birth to his son after so much gross. From there he might hv realise how stupid n silly he was so he decided to make up to me n works very hard to prove that he can be a good dad and husband. Now i m happy to hv this family although i still dun trust him 100%. just 50% trust him and 50% chance for him.
  35. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    ocean, that's the thing i cannot understand.. why he so lovely towards me, yet can do this to me?? so funny, throughout the whole time he in affair, he can sms me sweet things like "you're the best wife, no one can match you" and "what u did totally made me fall for u! i feel so inlove with u!" loving stuff like that. then why have affair?? we have sex average 3 times a WEEK.. why still need to go to that slut once a month????!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. I still have a million questions in my head!!

    ocean, my hubby, after my pregnancy can still continue the affair! i thought once see baby, he will repent but never. he say he try to leave her many times but dunno how to, she keeps seducing him. i think its because he is VERY stupid.

    when i was in labour ward, in pain, he can lie say he forgot something at home. i was so angry with him, i said please stay, im in pain.. then he got upset, he said just for a while only go home also cannot?! no freedom, i treat him like a kid! so i upset, i say ok fine go home!!

    he came back three hours later. say he dunno where he put the thing. once he reach, he slept til 11am, while i moan in pain. never once help me. once in a while, go downstairs to smoke and presumably call that slut. that slut can write in her blog on the day i gave birth, at 11plus AM, that they were talking to each other on the phone. WHAT THE HELL. if i think of all that, makes me want to divorce him.

    yesterday he told me he feel depressed too. he say he make effort to make me happy but i never appreciate. go to hell lor!! what effort he make?? fetch me from counselling and work?? he fetch her frmo work also last time what. if i ask him to fetch me last time from work, he will complain.. i have to give many reasons then he will come and fetch. yet he can happy2 fetch her, in the car that i help pay for!! thats why now he fetch me, to me its nothing.. coz he fetch her also last time.

    aiyah i dont know lah. a few minutes ago i was laughing on the phoen with him.. now im very angry again with him..
  36. marjassg

    marjassg Member

    why don't u go an find out whether he is still with that women then decide what to do next.
  37. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    i think they have stopped already. he already change his no, and finding new job. even offered to quit his job asap, so i will stop being worried. we sold off the car. when he's coming back from work, he will call me from the time he leaves his workplace (video-call to show he's at office) and then all the way home talk to me on the phone.

    honsetly MAR, i have decided to stay. its just the emotions i'm having trouble with. the emotions, the thoughts in my head, the pain. everything. but im staying. at the moment im not ready emotionally to leave him, plus he deserves a 2nd chance.. everyone does. but at the same time, sometimes i get *so* angry with him, i just want to kill him, or the slut. or sometimes i feel so sad i just want to sit down and cry nonstop. its been 16 days since i found out yet i cant stop feeling this way... i hate it.. im usually very bubbly and happy.
  38. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member


    This is real unfortunate that your hubby din lift a finger to care for u or show his support while u were in great pain. Seems your hubby is either keen to hv his cake n eat it or act sotong as to avoid your suspicious. Guess it is a very sad thing your hubby did that to u.

    Now is your choice, YOUR DECISION to give him a chance or walk away from the marriage.

    Anyway personally from my own feelings n opinion, i dunno if i am wrong or not, the fact that your hubby had the affair lasting for one year or more, shows either he dun respect u, his own wife or lost interest in you but had to keep up the act infront of u for a year while having fun outside.

    My hubby did feel tempted to stray outside but could not cos he was with me almost everyday.. fetching me daily from workplace n stayed with me on weekends. he never dared leave me alone especially in my preg state. all he did was smsed my female friends and pester them for sex and sex. he needed to want sex but could not as they complained to me abt his harassing them. Very frustrated for no sex for so long, then he started laying his hand on me lor. there was few times he did left home n wanted to pick my gf up but i followed him to car park, he was shocked n stopped himself from driving out.

    He knew i knew abt him n what he was thinking. i montiored him for two years but now i relax lor.
  39. marjassg

    marjassg Member

    if u have decide then u should work on reconciling.

    from the above i read, u might have PNB.

    Yes, he might be in the wrong for the affair, but if u continue this kind of behavior, most probably u might lose him even without her coming in between.
  40. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member


    There are steps to recovery and all it needs is TIME. Time is the best healer n i am very sure if u want to make your marriage stronger, then u must try to let go of the bitterness n learn to forgive your hubby completely from the bottom of your heart. i know it is not easy to forget the incident but do it slowly. Let your counsellors guide u slowly ok. Jia you.

    And your hubby must completely stop himself from all kinds of temptations if he really loves u. Sweet talk but no actions also no use.
  41. mama_g

    mama_g New Member

    asking your gf for sex, then how u face ur gf?
    he is so too much!!
  42. jenbabe

    jenbabe Member

    hmm true.. that was why i so angry with him few years ago. and my gf was actually divorced with two kids and cohabited with her bf that time. Sigh, she is very attractive but looks very slutty type. so probably the reason my hubby was tempted by her look.

    Now we no longer buddies after this incident. Now i dun keep in touch with her too often and my other good friend's hubby also same, tempted to ask her for sex n my other good friend nearly divorced him over her. but now salvaged her marriage by giving him a chance.

    It shows that men r visual creatures.
  43. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    ocean, i dunno. i dun wish to speculate why it lasted for a year. i have asked him though, he said its because of more and more financial pressure and i keep arguing with him etc. many reasons why it didnt stop. but he claim to try break up with her after the first time they did it, and also many times after that, more than 10 times he said.. but dunno why each time he gets pulled back.

    im now reading "surviving infidelity" it helps a bit.. said that men with poor coping life skills tend to start affair, esp physical one, with very unsuitable people, when they going to be father for the first time. its stupid but apparently it happens a lot.

    i dunno, have to talk to my counsellor abt this. right now i just had argument with him, because i had flashbacks again. told him to leave me and go to her. sigh.

    im not ready to really pick up the pieces. im still grieving i think, and my counsellor even said im still in trauma and will keep going back and forth on the divorce issue. some other forum boards tell me to give it a year to decide.. i dunno lah.

    wah at least my hubby never go to my gfs. if he go to them i think i divorce already.. how to face them somemore. can ask many different gfs somemore??! but cannot really say lah, i used to think i'll divorce my hubby if he got affair.. but i didnt. sigh.

    MAR, i know what u mean. im scared of that too. i dunno who to ask whether im depressed and if i need medication or not.. but im never going to take anti -depressants. u can read why above.

    i think its a long way before we can totally be ok again. right now still emotional and rollercoaster.
  44. popay

    popay New Member

    Hi Rainie,

    it's normal yr emotion up and down ..it really takes time to heal the wound...i experienced that few year back but till now i could not even erase that from my mind..how we could forget that!

    reading yr story makes i remember that time..
    it's only one-night-stand but it really hurts me till i want to kill myself...
    we went to counselor but after that i still kept crying duno how long..life is like ending for me..but life still goes on..
    hope u could outcome this bravely. be strong..
  45. merz

    merz Member

    Dear Rainie,

    I think you should put all your focus in your newborn. There is actually a lot of work and care for a newborn, why then waste time to think of something that you have already think for a thousand time.

    Why not you do this, everyday, do a little documentary for your newborn, take baby photo, take reading how much milk baby drinks, do baby massage, go shopping for more baby cloth. Yes, use his money to buy baby stuff. Check educational toy for your baby, www.leafrog.com is a good start. Or why not you take up a course on childcare.....

    The objective is to divert your time to focus on something more meaningful for yourself and your baby. That time when I had my daughter, I have to take her reading of milk intake (she premature) to make sure she drink enough and I also took photo on her, record her video, and now 4 years already and I took a look at the photo and memoreies came back on how she was so small so small.....

    I actually focus so much that I neglect my hubby and found that he start sms his colleague with funny funny things. I got so angry that he doing that behind my back, and I also not sure whether he did betray me or not......but anyhow, even the thought counts, dun need physcial.

    And of course, when I think back I also angry with him... but time heals, because the anger is not as hurt as before. So, gives yourself time to heal and meanwhile stop wasting time to think and re-think that incident, if you want to let it go, so please focus your time on the baby or something else. Beacause after sometime, when you think back what have you gain by doing this? The result is nothing, your baby also dun get enough attention from you, your hubby who you give second chances also find you grummy and everyday you also slowly slowly posioning your mind with all the incident (can lead to cancer with -ve thinking so much okie!) So, take one day finished up all the stupid thinking or if you want to beat up the hubby also do so on that day as well. And if one day not enough, then two day or three day....then you must STOP and closure!!! and focus your mind into something positive, for your baby at least.

    You consider okie....
  46. 11042008

    11042008 New Member

    well what i can suggest is spend him money like a tai tai..hee..
    cz i always spend my hubby's money wen i fight with him to mk myself happy..hee..
    i am a SHM with a 4mth plus bb..
    well i m a veri young mum..n yap..short-gun marriage..my hubby still studying..so i wont know your pain..but i wont mind if you wanna meet up for some reali shopping sessions..haa..that's what my life is about!!pamper n pamper n pamer!!!so you can keep ur time full so as not to think about other bad stuff ya..PM me if you r keen to shop..haa..other mummies welcome too!!
  47. notsuperwoman

    notsuperwoman New Member

    popay, i guess the pain for one night stands and long term affair still same yeah? my husband's affair lasted for 1 year. sometimes i think if one night stand, just ONE lah, haha, not so bad.. but i guess still painful? i dont know lah.. my heart now still pain.

    merz, i beat up my husband already on the day i found out. i nearly killed him, threw plates at his face etc. i wanted to take knife and kill him, but my FIL stopped me. i was so angry i cannot think at that time.

    now i and my husband try to do this thing where we only talk about the affair for a few minutes each day. after that we concentrate on us. but its difficult. but at least he's patient in answering me.

    and yesterday he bring me out for a date. wanted to watch movie but no good movies so we play bowling. was quite fun, but deep down i wonder if he has more fun with her instead. sighhhhhh. i hate this lor, thinking and thinking and comparing. but i cant help it!

    but thanks for your advice.. i really appreciate. i will try to do, but at the moment think its quite difficult. will take long time to get over it, i think.

    baby, thanks for the offer! hehe. honestly i dont like spending his money.. from last time i like to spend only my own money. i dont know why. plus i dont want him to buy my feelings, you know what i mean?
  48. yesbaby

    yesbaby New Member

    hi raine,

    most impt : ask urself what u want.
    will u be happy in the long run? Its your life!
    why let a Lousy man spoli the happiness.

    But of cos, u hv to believe in urself and be strong to stand on ur own.

    u are young and have many more yrs ahead.
    Do not settle for anything less.

    Another advice: u should manage ur own anger and temper. u shld not use pregn as an excuse/ reason to be mad at someone.

    Perhaps he is not the right one for u.

    my belief: True love should not come in such difficult ways
  49. 11042008

    11042008 New Member

    i understand wer u r coming from..
    as u noe..spending money for me is a form of stress relive..haa..that's not a veri good habit tho..haa..well i m always free for dates u noe..lol..can join me for high tea ..etc..then u can meet up with other mummies too n just forget abt him..
    i think u should just give u n him a period of time to be a lone..y?cz rite now the more u b with him the more strain ur r/s will be..try to stay other plc..at the same time test his trust..during this period just relax urself..dont tink abt anytink just u n u n u..wen u r ready..start all over again..eg:how he date u n woo u n stuff..u noe..all over n see if the feeling is rite..if not...u noe the ans..
  50. isabellali

    isabellali Active Member

    No offence, I can't help but feel you're some sort gloating over her misfortune..

    You mentioned KTV, you mean she's working as a 'girl'??? Maybe u can let me know her name or even better show her face here.. My friends who are in this line might know her.. If they know her, maybe I can of a little help to you... hmm....

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