Help is desperately needed! Husband took my 3 kids away.

[Abused wife]

Dear Mothers,



I am a foreigner, married to a Singaporean man who had been abusive, physically and mentally. During bad days, he would also lay hands on children. Later I knew from a psychologist, that I am a victim of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.



He punched, hit, and chocked me, with the worst pulling me off from bed when I was heavily pregnant with my third child that I had to deliver my baby hours later without epidural because my pelvis was dislocated. No police reports nor medical records were made. I was only allowed to go to TCM.



I was isolated in Singapore, without friends nor family. I wasn’t allowed to work. I was a full time house wife. Finally I gathered my courage, took my 3 young children and left him 2 years ago. I then filed a divorce (which is still ongoing) in my home country when he didn’t show any sign of remorse.



I was abroad for a year and allowed him to visit children frequently, until he took them back to Singapore last year, falsifying information that children’s’ passports were lost and obtained temporary travel documents from ICA. Children are dual citizenships.



I filed in for police report, child protection service etc in Singapore but none was able to help because this is a domestic matter. So I had no choice but to go through family court. I am not residing in Singapore anymore as my PR (husband was my sponsor) was terminated.



He made it extremely difficult for me to see children. Children (aged 4.6.8) are all in Singapore with him and lately are reluctant to spend time with me, though I had been their main caretaker since birth.



I won the child care and control from the first court ruling, to which he appealed and later won his appeal. By now, I had exhausted all my financial resources and I am very lost.



Court ruled in his favor, stating:

“From the photographs produced by the Appellant (kid’s father), it is clear to me (judge) that these children were brought up well and have been happy throughout their lives.”



Any advice at this point is very much appreciated.





Sincerely,

Lost mother.

 

[MoeLanYong]

Since you asked, don't mind me saying. I feel you are either hiding some information or you are refusing to come to terms with them. The Singapore family court is just. The judge will not award your ex husband care and control when he is abusive towards the children or when you have taken good care of them. Care and control goes to the mother by default. You must have done something wrong to lose it. You should re-examine what you did wrong.

There should also be a reason why the children are "reluctant to spend time with you" when you were their main caretaker.

What I am saying is you should confront the issues as candidly as possible, so as to determine what are the real problems and then work on resolving them.

Singapore does not allow for dual citizenship.

 

[Abused wife]

Since you asked, don't mind me saying. I feel you are either hiding some information or you are refusing to come to terms with them. The Singapore family court is just. The judge will not award your ex husband care and control when he is abusive towards the children or when you have taken good care of them. Care and control goes to the mother by default. You must have done something wrong to lose it. You should re-examine what you did wrong.

There should also be a reason why the children are "reluctant to spend time with you" when you were their main caretaker.

What I am saying is you should confront the issues as candidly as possible, so as to determine what are the real problems and then work on resolving them.

Singapore does not allow for dual citizenship.

Dear Moe Lan Yong,


Thank you for responding to my case. It is very understandable to think the way you do, I would too if I were you. Hence I desperately need help.


Here is the more detailed information of my marriage with my abusive husband. I’m very grateful for your time.


1. Though children and I are NPD victim, with frequent physical abuse taking place, I didn’t have any hospital nor police record throughout our marriage, due to isolation and intimidation. I was only allowed to visit TCM, especially if injuries are sustained on my wrists because it forbid me from doing my housework.


2. In the course of 7 years living with him and his parents:
- He hurt my back that I had to be bedridden for a week (went to hospital with an excuse that I injured myself while doing house-chores)
- He chocked me while my newborn was latching on; assaulted me when I was again pregnant with my second child to which his parents acknowledged that he had anger management issue in our family wa chat; pulled me down from bed when I was heavily pregnant with my last child.
- Frequently abused me behind the closed door, and subsequently would hit my eldest when she tried to help.
- Once when he was beating me, I escaped from our bedroom and screamed for help, my mother in law closed the curtains and asked me to not over-react.
- He lifted my firstborn on her leg and hit her in the air. I had an outburst and confided in his parents. They told him not to do so and everything went back to normal as if nothing ever happened.
- Once he and I were playing Chinese chess and my eldest moved a pion, earning beatings right on spot. Her grandparents told her to listen to Papa so he won’t beat her. I was very upset, and told my in laws, there shouldn’t be any excuse for an adult to beat a three year old the way he did.
- He poured alcohol on my daughter’s face to discipline her.
- My mother in law shouted at my mother to leave the house during her last visit to see me after I gave birth to my second child. My mother in law later went to see psychologist for her emotional outburst, at a public hospital where she works as a senior nurse.


3. I tried to involve his parents, family counseling, psychologist, anger management therapist, pastors, social workers, to which he always threatened to divorce me if I ever involve “strangers”. I didn’t dare to tell my parents, because I know they would ask me to get a divorce. I was fighting for a complete family for my children then, though now I understand now that happy children of divorced parents are better than distressed children of married parents.


4. I wasn’t allowed to attend church or be involved in community. I had no friends nor family in Singapore. My children were not allowed to have play-dates then, other than occasional interaction with other children when I took them to neighborhood park without him.


5. I had no one to call when he chased me out of our marital home. Luckily I have a friend from my hometown who had a Singapore property agent contact. My parents paid for the apartment, to which he later moved in after asking me to forgive him. Like a fool, I gave me another chance.


6. I was isolated from my family. My elder sister came to stay in Singapore for 6 months for her son’s education, I was only allowed to see her twice. My younger sister came later for a month and I was only allowed to see her for few days.


7. I was also isolated from my friends who visited from my home country. Either they come to our home to visit or I have to go out with him if I were to meet my female friends at public places.


8. He had an affair with a Chinese married woman, who was about to divorce her husband for him. She then had a two year old baby while I was pregnant with my first.


9. He also paid prostitutes during his business trip to London, to which he profusely asking me to forgive him for the sake of our daughter and unborn child. I was halfway through my pregnancy when I found out. When I confided in my in laws, that he had to take STD etc test because I was fearful for my unborn, my mother in law reprimanded me that it took two hands to clap. She forgot it only took one hand to slap.


10. I left my family, friends, good carrier, life behind to move to Singapore and start a family with him. Not allowed to work outside, I dedicated my life as a housewife, daughter in law, and mother to my children. I learnt how to cook, sew, garden, house chores as I was responsible for preparing meals etc.


11. Though he is very well off financially, he would always blame children and I that we are his burden. Children used second hands clothes, which is completely fine with me because I prefer to recycle things. Otherwise, I sewed dresses for my girls. My family would maximize their flight baggage to bring us baby toys, strollers, diapers whenever they come to visit me after giving birth.


12. My parents would present my newborn with 100gr gold bar, while my husband would gift himself a luxurious watch and a 1kg gold bar for me, which all he keeps to himself up to this date. Over the years, he had collected many paintings, 7 luxurious watches, changed his cars many times - all high end range, bought few properties, yet never spend on me other than food and lodging. I paid for my insurance, which must be transferred to his account before he paid it under his name. He is the owner of my insurance policy.


13. Never once I went to salon in Singapore while we were together. Because he preferred natural look, I didn’t do make up, didn’t buy new clothes, didn’t go for beauty treatment. I didn’t have any maternity wear. Now I realize it was a mistake not take invest in myself, while he was surrounded with many beauties at his work. I was too naive.


14. Going back to see my family was very difficult, though it is only a 2 hours flight. We had to go back to my country to attend my brother’s wedding. Because of dress fitting, he reluctantly allowed me to stay with my parents for 2 months. This was after 3 years never going back to see my family. My parents only got to see their grandson for the first time when he is 2 years old.


15. He blew up at the wedding and almost hit me in my parents’ presence. My parents than asked him to go back to Singapore on his own. Children and I forfeited our plan to return back to Singapore and decided to stay back. We all needed to calm down.


16. He then apologized that he lost his temper and agreed to move to my home country where I would feel safer with my family with children and I. But he didn’t admit to his physical abuse, so I refused to reconcile with him.


17. Children and I later went to see psychologist. I was so heartbroken to realize the damage that children and I experienced. I blamed myself for trying to work things out in my marriage, not realizing that it was very toxic for the children and scar them. I then decided to file in for a divorce, after I learnt that there is no cure to NPD.


18. I asked him to be a good father for children though we are processing for a divorce. He travelled back and forth to see children and still asked me to patch things up. I never once denied his right to see children and spend time with them. Children even spent overnights in his rented apartment.


19. One day when he was supposed to return the children back to my parents’ apartment, he didn’t do so, and went missing. I later found out he crossed international border back to Singapore using temporary travel documents, which he obtained by falsifying information to ICA that children’s passports were lost.


-to continue below

 

[Abused wife]

To continue below…


20. I too, had very much faith in Singapore justice system prior to my legal proceedings. NPD is very difficult to recognize, even by psychologists unless they specialize in this field.


21. Children (they were 3,5 and 7 then) had been alienated from me in the course of last one year. Phone conversations were highly monitored and meeting in person are only allowed after 6 months of separation, after judge intervention.


22. I couldn’t locate where my children were for few days after he took them to Singapore. I finally managed to contact the children after I made police reports and ICA advised him to contact me. I even have the recording of my eldest crying on the phone, wanting to come back to my side after he took them back to Singapore.


23. Now he is behaving really well and showers children with gifts and treats, but there really is no change for an NPD. He will go back to his true nature when he wins the court case. The fact that he had been coaching children to develop negative feelings towards me shows he doesn’t have children’s best interest.


24. Throughout my marriage, my husband always told me that no one would believe what I am going through. He was a successful CEO, with amazing family background of teacher and senior nurse as his parents, staying at 3 storeys landed house, with numerous properties across Singapore.


25. He told me that being a foreigner in Singapore, I would lose my children because Singapore law would prefer Singapore children to stay in Singapore. He would always asks for forgiveness and promised to change after he lost his temper; while I was trying to hold an intact family, succumbing to all his demands.


Note: Dual citizenships is not recognized in Singapore. However, if you acquire two or more citizenships at birth, you can keep them all, including Singaporean citizenship, until the age of 21. At 21, local authorities may ask you to choose between your Singaporean citizenship or other citizenships.




I too, shared my concerns with my lawyer, that for public, he seems such a perfect father and husband; unless a psychologist specializing in NPD is involved. Unfortunately court doesn’t allow this.

I sincerely thank you to take time to read this. I would be very grateful for any input or help.


Sincerely,
Lost mother

 

[MoeLanYong]

Thank you for taking the time to clarify. Thank you also for not taking my post negatively.

Can you explain why

1. you lost care and control of your children to him?

2. the family court judge is not persuaded by your arguments above - i believe you would have submitted all these in your divorce filings to the judge too?

 

[Abused wife]

Thank you for taking the time to clarify. Thank you also for not taking my post negatively.

Can you explain why

1. you lost care and control of your children to him?

2. the family court judge is not persuaded by your arguments above - i believe you would have submitted all these in your divorce filings to the judge too?

Dear Moe Lan Yong,


Judge ruled that:

1. Children are happy and no sign of abuse during an interview with the judge.

2. Husband produced many happy family photos of many years.

3. Judge question the reason why I never made police report nor hospital visit when abused for so many years.

4. My refusal to return to Singapore after my brother’s wedding was deemed to be “kidnapping” children, even though I still allow my husband to have full access to children.

5. Children are Singaporean, grew up in Singapore. Thus, no reason to remove them from Singapore.


I’m a very private person and posting online like this is the first time for me; but I really need help. I had contacted all government bodies. None can help. I had exhausted my financial resources for lawyers fee.


Sincerely,
Lost mother

 

[MoeLanYong]

You wrote you were granted "care and control from the first court ruling, to which he appealed and later won his appeal".

My question is How did you lose it?

Because the default position is all moms are granted care and control. It is a well established fact no man can get care and control when the children are under 12.

If the reasons are too personal, you can omit answering. I am just pointing you to where and how you lost the care & control. Because this is a good starting point to getting your kids back.

 

[MoeLanYong]

Also, please do clarify, if your divorce - in Singapore - is finalised?

You wrote it is "ongoing".

It is confusing.

Why is it "ongoing" when the care and control issue is already determined?

Or is the care and control issue still not determined?

 

[Abused wife]

Also, please do clarify, if your divorce - in Singapore - is finalised?

You wrote it is "ongoing".

It is confusing.

Why is it "ongoing" when the care and control issue is already determined?

Or is the care and control issue still not determined?

I filed in divorce in my home country because I feared going back to Singapore.

He then came to visit children monthly, last year took children back to Singapore.

Hence I filed in for ICCC - Interim Custody Care and Control in Singapore pending divorce proceedings.

I won the first court ruling for my ICCC application, to which he appealed and won.

Any idea whom can I contact for help, when dealing with messy court proceedings involving NPD? I have exhausted my financial resources and very tiredly emotionally by now.

Children are currently in Singapore with their father and grandparents, while I am in my country with my family. I no longer have Singapore PR nor do I plan to stay in Singapore.

Also, is the below true because my lawyer this is not guaranteed?
“Because the default position is all moms are granted care and control. It is a well established fact no man can get care and control when the children are under 12.”

 

[MoeLanYong]

Yes. In most cases, the default position is the mother gets care and control when the child is under 12. I say most and not all, because some mothers actually opt not to have it. Lack money is not a valid reason to lose it. The father has to pay child support to the mom, who will care for the child.

I am not sure where you got married. It appears you are not married in Singapore. If you are married in Singapore, you should divorce in Singapore.

It also appears you have not started divorce proceedings in Singapore. So it is not determined who has care and control.

You need to divorce in Singapore - not your home country - to get awarded care and control.

Then the dad cannot take away your children. There is a court order. Where you bring your child thereafter, in Singapore or overseas, is your perogative, and the dad has to negotiate his visitation rights with you.

 

[MoeLanYong]

@Abused wife pm me if you do not want to talk in public.

I am in a Divorced / Sexless marriage chat group. It is a closed private group with about 300 people facing marriage issues. I think you may find the answers (or support) you want. We are on wechat so everyone is anonymous.

 

[Abused wife]

Dear Moe Lan Yong,


Thank you for your kindness. I have PM-ed you.


Sincerely,
Lost mother

 

[Mongkok]

So did u take back your 100gr gold bar?

if you really want the kid to be with you, you wouldn't have lost the custody. or with the kid's custody, you can have part of the alimony?