Help!! How to stop my hubby from overspending!!!

catjoel

New Member
I am having this problem with my hubby. He is spending more than what he is earning and the worst thing is I don;t know where he spents!

Most of the time weekends we are together with my son either at home with his parents or we will go over to my parents place. Except for sometime take meals outside we need to spend, we usually don't spend a lot. Occasionally will buy things which are for daily use la. But other than that, realy don;t overspend cause i am expecting 2nd baby now that's why i watch rreal tight on our spending.

But the most weird thing is that he earns ard 3k a mth including allowance but the bring back $$ is ard 1900 and the rest is to CPF. Every month, other than clearing his ex credit card debts, paying for insurance and giving his mum allowance, he should have ard 1k left. But each time only mid mth, when i update his pass book, i always see his $$ very little, sometime even less than 100. I really don;'t know where the money go?

I tried to talk to him many times abt this issue but his pride just got ahead off him and he will just shun away from me. Sometimes, he even flare up, thinking i wan to have control over him!

But i really have no such intention. In fact, I am very worried that we will have financial difficulties cause now even paying for my instalments for my maternity package also face cash flow problems. I thought I was well planned, I told him not to use this particular credit card and keep the available credit for maternity expenses. I thought he had listened cause i really told him the serious consequences of not being able to pay and he agreed with me.

But then today then I realise that he did not keep his word amd used up the credit!Today is suppose to be my gynae visit and the last instalment for my package. I was very insecure so from yesterday nite already kept asking him got $$ to pay or not. He just say should have and ignore me.

This morning he suddenly call me and tell me that maybe got some problems with the payment.Then i questioned him and found out he actually used the credit card behind my back!

I am not trying to control him but he reallly cant discipline himself on his spending! In fact, every month end, he will have no money and even havt to borrow froom me at times.

Other than this problem, actually there are more severe incidents that happened too, all because of his overspending...

I feel so stress and terrible!!!

I am pregnant and realy dont wan to worry over such things but i cant help it!

Anyone has a way to help me please!!!!

I really dont know what to do anymore, i have tried both soft ways and gard ways on him but he just cant change.

I will be due in Aug but till now,he did not even once buy a piece of maternity wear for me. Some more, all the gynae visits intinally all i was paying until recently i told him this cant go on, he needs to play his role. Aftr i say and say then he agress relunctly. He as usual use his credit card but never pays. Haiz....

I am earning very little every month and barely can support myself after deducting all the insurance for son, me , bank payments and son school fees. I am alreay leaving off my own income and barely enough to spend.

I really feel so helpless now....even wan find part time job also cannot cause i pregnant...

How? Some please give me some advice??

I will really be thankful..
 


hi

i think you need to sit down with him to work out where his money goes on a weekly basis. plus also tell him that he needs to give you a sum of money every month for gynae visits.

i am also expecting my #2, can understand that money is very impt cos everything is so expensive.

is there someone from your HB side who you can talk to?
 
hi,
is it possible for him to set up a standing order to transfer a couple of hundred to a separate account that does not have ATM card? Consider tat a forced savings? Say both of u transfer $200 each to that account each mth?

If there is no ATM card then that makes using the $ in that a/c more difficult then hopefully achieve the forced savings objective?

Over-spending is quite dificult to control i feel and requires a lot of discipline. I oso used to overspend a lot until my hb keep nagging.
Until I hv kids then I begin to tone down on the spending 'cos no time to go shopping liao...
 
Dear Gracian and Violet B,

i tried to talk to him in very gentle tones almost every fornightly or whenever i recieve any bank statements. But each time, i only receive bad attitudes from him in return. He feels that I am too nosey and interfere too much.

In actual fact, he dosn't like to reveal his spendings at all. He feels that I am bossing over him even though i clearly told him that i am worried that he cant clear his outstanding debts. Plus, actually, he had a saving acct opened with my son intially but last year I found out that he actually spent all the monry we had collected from the ang pows and what we saved for him. I was hopping mad and decided to re open an acct with my son instead. From then, I force hin to give me 200 every mth and i also put in 200 every mth and started to re save up again. That tine my son was still ard 18 mths, so I took ard 6mth to accumulate the money and used it as school fees for his enrollment in child care when he turn 2.

I really took pains to monitor our finance but each time, i get so upset when i know he always run out of $$. If I didn't quarrel and force him to take 200 out for our son education, i dun think my son have money to go school now. I t took me almost a mth of quareling and disputes before i could achieve that.

Today at the gynae, he used his credit card to pay off the last instalment plus supplements total bill ard 307 like that. I also went for the detailed ultrasound scan, it costs 105, i ended up paying again. I was so afraid that we could not settle the bills but lucky managed to get throught it.

Each time my gynae suggest supplements for me, i always reject because i am afraid its too expensive but now i have to take cause i am low blood and also cant take milk. I cant provode additional vit for my baby so no choice must accept.

You all know something? Until now, we dun even have any savings to prepare the arrival of this coming 2nd baby. thats y i am so afraid that we cant manage when i am due. Now,een at different stages i need to go for tests and this also adds on to the problem. I don't have so much $$ and he doesnt give me too. I cried many times just because of this $$ issue, the tears just kept rolling. my heartaches cause i cant bear the thought of letting my 2nd baby suffer.....

I thought of talking to him mum, my mil but was worried that it may worsen our situation now cause they do not know that my hubby is in credit card debts. I worry that if i tell his mum abt my probelm, not only he will get blamed, we may face curfews and worst thng, my hubby will hate me. He is not a mature deep thinker who can see my motive in doing this. His pride forever gets ahead of him until he cant see wat situation he is in.

his mum alwasys thoght i am the one spending all his $$ but actually, he is the one. Just because his mum dont know the truth, i always get all the blame. I feel so helpless....
 
hi catherine,
maybe can try to convince him to save more than $200 each mth? Work out and estimates his monthly spendings with him and whatever that's left over shd go all to the savings accounts.
Do a standing order to transfer on the day of his pay day, take the $ first before he can spend it.

I felt that he is someone that will not repent(sorry if this is too strong a word to use) until he sees his bb suffers...

And whatever his debt is, nvr nvr use the savings accounts $ to help him settle the bill. That is your only backup for you and the kids.

Also, for the 2nd bb, you'll receive baby bonus fm the govt. Make sure you open it in your name. Don't allow him to touch that money.

Next time your MIL make any comments maybe you can jus smile smile and 'gently' say "maybe you can ask yr son where all the $ goes?".

For now, take good care of yourself, worry too much is not good for u n bb.... try cheer up a little ok?
 
Hi Catherine,

Hope you dont mind me being frank. You've been providing too much for the family, shielding him from his financial responsibility eg, insurance, childcare exp and groceries. He jus feel that he doesn need to save cos you will eventually provide. You spoilt him by showing him that you will fork out the $ if he cant. It is really time to dish out the insurance premiums for your son for him to pay. Let him pay for your gynae exp and blah blah. Though husband and wife are enjoying an equal role in the family, we cant deny that a hubby is still head of the household. Your kids adopt his surname not yours.
Got to talk it out with him. If not, your kids can well adopt your surname...
 
yes, totally agree with wat u all say.

In fact, he actually many times eyed the money in our boy's savings acfct already but i die die also wont let him tuch. I am the trustee so if i dun withdraw, he also cant do anything.

u know now, he is even eying the baby bonus of our 2nd baby. He says that he wans to have acct. I told him no straight away and we even resulted in quarrel too. I didnt wan to ecxert myself too much so i walk off. He is absoulately hopeless!

It is ture thast he doesnt show he is repentant at all! Now we already have difficulties even going for my gynae check ups, he still cant foresee the difficulties we will go through if he doesnt change himself.

I also fel that he is taking too much advantage of me cause he knows that i wont have the heart to see my son suffer and will definately pay for his school fees and insurance. I will heart pain if the insurance gets burned if i dun pay monthly. He just cant learn...

I am thinking of secretly opening the acct with my 2nd baby after he is borned so that he wont have chance to include his name. Of course this will need to be done under proper plan so that he wont know. If the acct under his name, surely he will finish all the money in no time.

As for my mil i decided to do as what violet b suggested, cause i think this is the best way so far.

As for the suggestion of asking him for a little more than 200 so that we can save up, i tried to sugest to him already but was turn down immediately. Think will need to take some time to try convincing him. I will give him until end myh and see whether he will change his mind or not. After all, i also spent more than 1 mth to convince him to take out the 200 for ur son acct.

Next mth i ned to do the glucose test asnd will also require $$. Haiz....the credit card limit is full already...dun know how he going to pay....he simply dun care at all frankly...thats y i always end up so stress....

Perhaps i really need you all advice as a form of suppor and motivation to move on.....
 
from your posts, i really support u opening a secret account... it will also be good to let him know that you are always broke too. save for your kiddos and yourself. Just have to hope that your hubby becomes more sensible. As for the gynae fees, let him handle. he so bo chap u can be too...let him feel the stress. dont be stressed. u r going to be due soon. do it for your baby.
 
hi catherine,
I think rienagr8s has a point. Jus be bochap about how he is going to settle the bills.
If u r not afraid of being a little embarassed i suggest tat the next time u go for gynae checkup jus relax and let him face the nurse when it's payment time. U go to the toilet ask him to settle. Don't even ask him if he can pay for the checkup befor you go.
 
ya lor ribenagr8s and violet b, i agree that i should have some savings on my own too.
I thought for very long already but always feel guilty if i did it so i hold back lor

i think its reallt time for me to plan for myself liao. If not, my baby come out, i sure will stress wan,cause after baby out also need $$ too mah..

i think next mth check up, i dun think i have th ability to bother also even if i really wan. Cause i also broke liao. Now i haven started to save for my comin baby already spent so much already.

i really cant afford to pay liao...

Now even buying my baby stuff also problem.
Most of them either give away or never buy during last pregnancy. Now although still have some, but still need to get the neccessary stuff too. Haiz...
 
Hi catherine,
your coming bb is boy or gal?
If boy I can give u some hand-me-down clothes which I get fm my sis? I gave away quite a bit alrdy but still hv bah.... must go and find.
 
oh thanks...mine is boy

last time i didnt buy much for my boy too cause of my hubby spending problem. But after i give birth not long, my mil gave away most of them to my hubby auntie daughter when she was also pregnant with boy. Now wan to ask back also difficult cause they living in KL, Malaysia

Really thank you for your help!!!
 
ops catherine,
I'm attending course now and will be back very very late, around midnite. Tmr oso the same, so I will only be able to go look for the clothes on wed nite.... will let u know on thu wat i hv.
 
Hi catherine,

sorry, last nite i was too tired by the time i got home so didn't check.

Can u pls PM me yr email address so it's easier to communicate to u as I sometimes do not check all the forum topics.

I'll let u know wat I can spare thru email.
 
Catherine,
If I tell you how much my hubby spends every month, you will be shocked ! He can spend your hubby's entire salary including CPF. I don't have the habit of looking at his credit card bills, only that sometimes I glanced it while he was looking at it. He does not go clubbing at all, does not like to eat at expensive restaurants, and does not buy clothes. He mostly spend on his precious car and all sorts of electronic gadgets.

The way I manage the finances, is that I ask him to give me $1200 allowance every month for 2 kids expenses. I don't care how he spends the rest of his money.

May be you can just ask your hubby for an allowance ? I feel that even though we are married, we need to have the freedom to manage our own finances too. My hubby also never question how I spend my money. He has no idea how much I have in my personal bank account.
 
tamarind: we're the same, every month when salary comes i will transfer a fixed amount into our joint acct, that's for household expenses, etc. whatever is left in my accout is mine to spend as I want to.
 
ya, tamarind. i do agree that we have the freedom to spend what we earn. i also agree that he should give me allowance monthly for kids and family too but all these already repeated many times until he finds me a nag whenever i start to talk abt such issues. the way i speak is in gentle tone but he still can accept. he does not like me to tell him what to do....he got BIG EGO PROBLEM..that's main reason y till today, he was never able to compromise on what i suggest to him over $$ issues.

unbelieveable right? he is VERY FULL OF MAN'S PRIDE until he is blinded already. Yet a man full of pride only knows how to bbully his wife me...

he never allows me to tell my $$ problems to anyone especially my own mum cause he scared lose face...but i also dun care and secretly tell my mum cause i feel that she has the right to know wat her daughter me is going through.

sometimes, she even will transfer $$ to me without telling me. i know its her cauase only she will transfer $$ to me...

now, i can still try to talk to hubby abt allowance again but i wont put much hope...

haiz...so worry abt my coming check up no $$ to pay....but i cant bother so much le...
 
hi catherine,
i've packed some boy's clothes that I can give you, how do I pass to u?
Pls reply to my email as it is easier for me to coordinate.
happy.gif
 
Patsy,
Yes I believe that it is the best way to manage finances for a family, especially if both husband and wife are working.

Catherine,
You mean you hubby refuse to give you allowance ? You are paying all the household expenses yourself ? To me that is unacceptable, even if a wife is working, the hubby must contribute to household expenses, it's not negotiable.
 
hi Catherine

i believe the fault does not lies on how to talk to your husband.

Just a few areas that his money could spent on:
1) luxury items
does he has any habit of buying collectable items like limited edition stuffs/ branded stuffs
2) Expensive hobby like golf
3) being generous to friends by giving them treat as a way to "show off" and impressing them
4) he has another women

no matter wat, as a man, he need to have a sense of responsibilities to provide for the family.

is he a spend thrift before marriage?

he must also feel committed to proivde the best for the family.

my suggestion is to see a family counscellor. let me know if you need more information. you can get help from MCYS.

email me at [email protected]
 
Personally I don't care how much my hubby spends on luxury items, or whether he saves enough for his old age. I only make sure that he gives enough allowance to support the 2 kids, this should be any hubby's top priority.
 
ya..tamarind
i fully agree with wat u say..

my hubby is someone who enjoys showing off especially in front of people. He likes to spend on on buying car accessoires even though the car which he is driving is not his. the car elongs to his bro. he will borrow the car from him to drive. for his bro, cause he work in shenton way area, season parking is very expensive, he doesnt drive to work so my hubby will drive every morning. week ends then his bro will use.

basically, now, i am really broke each month even before pay day...

how?
 
Hi Catherine,
feel sorry for you, cos my HB and I are both rather stingy (but we are generous to friends when comes to giving treats) and we have separate accounts and we record EVERYTHING we spent on, right down to the wanton mee we had.
eg, he rather park somewhere for free and make me walk 5 mins to destination.

Anyway, it's really difficult for you or your HB to change but if you are worried about your medical bills, I suggest you switch to subsidised rate now instead of going to private gynae.
I was referred to KKH by polyclinic and each detailed scan is only $34 and consultation + urine test only $27 (I always tell my friends still have $3 change for lunch).

Do you work / keep separate acct?
 
hi jeanyard, i am working now and me and hubby dun share a joint acct. not i dun wan but he dun wan.actually, when we know that i am pregnant, he was not very happy initially cause there will be additional expenses...i was so hurt...it only took him a few weks tp accept the fact. By then, i told him we should be able to afford cause both of us r working, last time when i had my 1st boy, i stopped working once i reach 3 mths and didnt work all the way until my boy turned ard 18 mths then i came back to work. I told him if last time we could managed with 1 income, now it shouldnt even be difficult with 2 income now. Although my income is not much, but i can still contribute too.

At that time, he only keep quiet and didnt respond much. Even when i was so busy finding gynae, he also didnt bother. Actually i wanted to go for subsidise gynae refered by polyclinic but the time and schedule cant be as flexible as private gynae. Cause of my work, i cant afford to take leave too often and also take time off too often. Some more, cause of my son, i also often have to take half day or time off due to either bring him to se doctor when he fall sick or either his check up or bring him home from school if no one is free to help me. My lady boss alredy didnt like it so all the more i cant afford to take leave just to see subsidised gynae refered by polyclinic. Thats y i chose to go for private gynae instead.

Now, i am already into my 21 weeks, also took up a package from TMC.
 
hi Catherine,
it's sad to hear that your HB not accepting the 2nd BB. don't know how to advise you but like what other MTB said, you both just have to go for councelling. but singaporeans are still rather conservative and don't like to discuss their problems with strangers.

maybe try talking to your parents in law?
 
i did ever tried to talk to my in laws but before i caould bring out our problem, they already shown me that they are obviously on my hubby side. Before I could say further, they told me that they felt that this baby didnt come at the right time too. Haiz....very sad to go and recall back all these painful memories.

Now, of course things have improved, my hubby accepted the baby and also my in laws too. It took them almost 2 mths to accept the reality of this baby.

Actually, all along, my in laws think that i always spend my hubby money thats y his credit cards bill is so much. in fact, they didnt even allowed him to sub a card for me cause they were afraid that i will use up all the credit. Haiz...in actual fact, my hubby is the one who is the spendthrift not me. I am just the scapegoat. Only recently, i couldn't take my in laws sacarstic remarks and my hubby bad attitude then i spill out all the truth about my hubby's credit card debts. At that time, i really couldn't take it anymore..i was very emtional and only wanted to clear my name of being a spendthrift. I told them that ever since i started working, i never use my hubby money at all. I live off my own. Thuink at that time, i really burst and everything just came out.

Only after that incident, they they could learn to accept my baby and me. But still, they didn't talk to my hubby about his spending habits....very sad. I really don't know what they are thinking...

Now, my hubby loves to spend on buying car accessories too..even though the car is not his..

i am not trying to be calculative but i just felt that the more important issue now is our coming baby, not car.How can he simply just do what he likes?

many times I thought of going for divorce but cause of my son i hold back...i cant be selfish to him and my coming baby..

As for counselling, months ago i already suggested we attend but till today, he still cant bring himself to go ahead...We were already advised by my family to attend counselling since few mths back.

I cant underdstand what is on his mind sometimes...man...haiz...
 
Catherine,
I am sorry about your predicament. Sometimes we are stucked in a situation which we cannot get out of, no matter how hard we try. You already have 2 kids and divorce will be very painful for the kids.

Personally I don't believe in counselling, I don't think that a man can change simply by talking.

Are you able to support 2 kids on your own ? I think you cannot depend on your hubby now, and I think there are a lot of women who are not dependent on their hubby financially, so don't feel too bad about it. Just hang in there, your kids will grow up very soon.

The fact is that, many woman regret about marrying their hubby, only after they have kids, which is too late.
 
Catherine
Its really tough on you... i am sure you know that separation is not the best solution for the children and it really does not help the situation unless you feel that he will be forced to pay alimony for the children.
One positive is that your in-laws are not blaming you for your husband's financial situation, and probably will start to understand your situation. Opening up and sharing with them without sounding like you are blaming your husband might be a good start.
Hopefully, with more sharing and if your son is able to win them over, they may start to speak for you and your children. They may even get your brother-in-law to speak with your husband about the accessorising... after all, it is his car!
Just like your son, the car is like a toy to your husband. There is no way you can stop him from wanting to "play" with his toy.
However, one good arrangement which you may want to achieve with the help and support of your in-laws, is to get your husband to pass you a sum of money every month for the family and children. He then gets to use the rest of his money anyway he wants without you asking or nagging. He may feel that it is a good way to avoid nagging by his own parents too! Small sum for "peaceful" ears.
Counselling works if both parties are keen to work it out and are committed to but do not know how. Not when any one party is not for it. Worse, who would want an "outsider" to tell him what was wrong?
 
Hi Catherine

If your husband's pay is 3K gross, takehome pay should be 2.4K at least right? Unless he is a regular, then his take-home pay should be even higher because CPF for regulars is only abt 15% instead of 20%.

Is there anyway you can get hold of his credit cards & atm? Does he have internet banking & if so, do you have the passwords? You've mentioned that you realised that he has very little money left when you updated the his bank passbook right? Since you have access to his bank passbook, you should be able to view the transactions. Where did all the money go to? Or they are all cash withdrawals? If all are cash withdrawals, how much is withdrawn each time?

He has a joint account with your son? Have you changed the atm pin to that account?

Feel very sorry for you...Don't bother about his parents. The real problem now lies in your husband overspending despite a baby coming along the way. It doesn't matter whether he can accept it or not..It doesn't matter what he or they think. The fact is, there has to be enough money to prepare for your baby's arrival.

Do you yourself have internet banking?
 
ya lor...now regret also too late le...

i only hope now can have solutions to help solve the problem lor...
 
Hi,

have you even see the credit card bill to see what he spend on? From there, you may try to approach the problem.

have a car is exp. in Singapore. perhaps this is how he spend his money -

$60 petrol a week ( full tank ) * 4 = $360
season parking = $90
coupon parking + various other parking charges and ERP = $20

Car = $470

Does he pay for electric bill, income tax and other bills eg phone, internet ?

Installments for electrical/ furnitures ?

perhaps this is where the money goes ???

How do I know all this ??

This is because my husband also spend more than he earn and need to borrow money from me at times...

I will always ask him to account where his money go before I pass him the money...

Hope this will help....

Cheeers..
 
wifey-me
i am sure you meant well but the husband may not take too well to have his finances probed. Although for many people, this is assumed to be okay in a marriage, but it can be a sensitive matter, particularly when the guy is in denial - ie reject counselling.

appeal to the "man" in him... and ask him to put aside money as the "man of the house" and give him his autonomy to run his own finances after that.

May not solve the problem but probably will not create another problem.
 
Catherine,

Very sad to read more about your situation. You must really place yourself first. I think your hubby is still very childish. You being more sensible have to make wise and rational plans. Got to talk to him seriously or else your marriage will be bogged down by money issues all the time. Got to let him see a helicopter view of the importance of saving for rainy days. When 2 singles get married, the money is no longer own money but marriage money. For my husband and I, we hv a joint acc which we deposit 2k into every month. The rest of our monthly salary is ours to spend and save. However, if we need to buy big ticket items of more than $500, we will discuss about it, irrelevant of who is paying for it. All these are agreed to before marriage. We dont want to quarrel cos of money.

Now is only the beginning of your marriage. There will be more money issues to come. When your kids grow up, expenditure will bound to increase too.
 
Hi Ozzie, yes agree with you. Most men cannot take it due to their ego :p Well, i suggested all that is because in order to take over some control of his money, she has to know the money goes to first. Base on my own experience, spenders will always be spenders. There is no point (in my opinion only lah) trying to talk sense into people who just aren't financially savvy/responsible. Spenders will only change if something really bad & major happened. Hence, my advice to Catherine that if she has enough access/info to her husband's financial matters, she can just take over slowly & quietly. Of cos, it would be good if the husband is willing to co-operate instead of using force because no matter what, he is already an adult. Catherine will have to decide which is the best way to handle him & plan for her 2 young children. Feel very sad & worried for her. As a mother, she already is sacrificing so much & yet, her husband is not helping.

Hi Ng(totorofurby), yes, maintaining a car in sg is very expensive. We spend about 1.4K a month on car including petrol, instalments, road tax, car insurance, servicing, season coupon, ERP, carpark gantries charges. Also have to service renovation loan & pay bills. I am still paying for my parents' house bills, so do my husband. Where the money goes to...well, the possibilities are endless right...

Hi Ribenagr8s, agree with what you've said. Money is the root of all evil. Money can cause alot of unhappiness. That's why i feel that, no matter how different a couple may be, it is best that their views on financial management are similar. Hope Catherine can solve her problems...
 
hi all, thanks for your many concerns...i feel very consoled to hear all the encouragements.

Firstly Ng(totorofurby) my hubby drives to work everyday and indeed the petrol per week is $60 for a fulkl tank so 1 mth is ard $360 but he gets to claim back all the petrol $$ form company so its not an issue after all. As for the season parking, he only have to share with his bro for the season parking fee downstairs our home carpark which is quite cheap. He doesnt need to buy season parking at work place cause his company already has a big carpark which has a ready lot for him. As for the road tax and misc, from what i know, most of them is paid by his bro and this could also be part of the reason why he is so willing to spend on his bro car. Of course, main reason is like what Ozzie say, the car is really like his "toy", his "2nd wife". All man love cars right?


Hi Wifey-me, although i got his bank passbook, its only 1 of the 2 accts he has. Normally this acct is for him to deposit his pay but after the $$ in, he will withdraw more than half of the amt out. Aas for the transactions, mostly either nets payment of small amt or cash transfer to other accts like his bro or mum. I do not have his internet banking password at all. How i wish i could have it! Every mth he will transfer $350 to his mum and misc to his bro. Think he knows i hold the passbook thats y he also never do many transaction with this acct. As for my boy joint acct with him long time ago already no $$ inside. He already spent all the money, now think only left 10 over bucks. Aas for now, only the joint acct i later opened with my son has $$ in it. I managed to mantain every mth.

Ozzie, although my in laws now dont really blame me, they also contribute to his spending too. Of course its right for son to spend on parents but they sometimes are really too much. You will be amazed how much his mum can spend just to buy clothes!I wont comment much on them cause no point but even if i were to tell them my problem and communicate with them more, at most they will do is to tell me be patient, my hubby pattern is like that, he doesn't like people to nag........etc.. Knowing very well of their expected reactions, i try to avoid these $$ issues in front of them. I feel that I am pregnant and working, everyday so tired already, come back still no peace, i rather avoid.

Hi Ribenagra8s, already spoke to him many times, using soft and hard methods on different occasions but till now, no reaction...u know what, he now even eyeing our 2nd baby bonus $$! he say he want the acct to e open under his name with our baby. Of course i object strongly! He really broke my heart when he question me in return why only vcan under my name and not his? I wan full control is it? Really heart breaking.... I told him he already proved to be a typical spendthhrift who already spent all his son money, i on the other hand has proven to be capable of saving for our son despite my low salary so what makes him think I am not qualifieD? I will never allow him to open the acct with my baby!

Now i can feel the $$ burden increasing alreasy, i dun believe he can't feel it too. You all can be right, he is super egoistic man who will always think that I wan to control him. I really never thought of that before, i only hope that we can save for our kids and also save up to buy our own home. Am I too selfish to think of these?
Why cant he think for me and our kids? Wwe really need our own home, its a matter of time we must move out cause as the kids grow, they need their own room. It is not realistic to stay with his parents and bro for long cause here only got 3 rooms. Now,my son sleeping with my in laws cause their masterbed room is bigger. When my baby arrive, have to sleep with me. In less than 3 to 4 years, we really need to move out already. I paint the picture for my hubby so many times but he just cant see the picture. Long time ago he already wan to buy car but i stopped him cause that will mean extra $$ every mth. But now, i still cant avoid this problem...hiaz...

Do you all still have any ideas for me?
 
Hi Catherine

Good to know you will be holding on to your 2nd baby's CDA. Like i said, no point talking because some people are just like that. They grew up like that, they will forever be like that. Unless something major & bad happens. So what can you do? If me, i won't bother trying to 'save' him or wake him up. A man his age, married already, got wife got kid, 2nd one on the way, still don't know how to think & plan & take responsibility for his family like a MAN, i would forget about explaining to him. He will not be able to comprehend. I know how it's like because my husband's family members are exactly like that. I am lucky that my husband is not like them.

What you can do now is make sure you are in charge of your 2nd baby's CDA. Can i assume that right now, you have absolutely no property under your name? How about your husband? When you buy a flat, there has to be a family nucleus so in a way, you still need your husband. Do you plan to get a resale flat or a new flat? If you plan to get a new flat, i would advise you to start applying straightaway. I feel that the BTO schemes now are just right for you. BTO flats takes about 5 years at the maximum to be completed so meanwhile, you can save for your renovation & furnishings. If you get a resale, you need cash to pay commission to your agent & resale renovations will cost alot more unless you do not mind the condition of the flat & prepared to move in straightaway.

Although your husband does not understand simple logic, is he agreeable to getting a place of your own? Are all his credit cards under his own name? I don't know if im too harsh to do this but if i were you, i will insist on him paying for all gyane visits & delivery costs & i won't care how he gets the money. Even if he withdraws from his own credit card, so be it. Even his majoy car expenses also can claim liao still no money...Then meanwhile, try to save abit on your own for yourself & your 2 kids because it is hard to get an allowance from him based on your situation. Does your family know your situation now?
 
Catherine
its tough and you are doing a good job hanging in there for your children.

Since he trasnfers a fix sum to his mom every month, ask him to transfer a sum to you monthly too for the children and you will stop nagging him about money matters.
 
Dear Wifey-me,

I totally agree with you. it is indeed hopeless to talk to him and "save" him cause he is really old enough to plan and think for himself. I also ever told him, that his status now is different, he got a wife and two kids, he cannot be like he use to be in the past. But he is just too spoilt by his own mum during his younger days until now, i can say he is beyond hope already. Cause his mum also will side him. Hiaz....

It is true that I have nothing under my name now. Except for my boy acct under me and his name. I will also insist on my coming baby acct to be under my name too. As for buying flat, i long suggested to him already but he always wan to avoid this topic. I also didnt wan to repear myself anymore, i just say, by the time our kids grow bigger, they will need space and if u dont start planning from now, you will suffer cause they wil surely quarrel cause they have no place to sleep. Besides, mil place so cramp already, our kids will surely not enjoy staying there. When kids grow up, they will need space too. I just told him this.

I think he is too comfortable to stay with his mum already untilhe is relunctant to move out. His mum treat him and his bro like "emperor", will serve them in almost everything like eating, drinking anything.. In his home, i am just like a maid.If i am not in my mid pregnancy, i still have to do the housework and serve them too. Never finish also cant go sleep de. Hiaz..i better dun say this le, more i say more i feel sad....

As for my gynae visits, of course i want him to pay cause i really dun have so much to fork out le. I will try to be more hard hearten...hope i can suceed.....will try..

Meanwhile, my parents know a bit of my current situation la, but i didnt really tell them cause if they were to know, they will be so angry, especialy my grandma will be heart broken de.

From this month April, I will try to save whatever i can cause i really worry that my coming baby will suffer after i deliver. Looking at the current situation now, i really don't dare to put hopes in hubby that he will be of much help.

Ozzie,
I asked him to transfer to me $$ for kids and me since mths ago. The only $$ he will transfer is $200,which is the amount I forced him to fork out last time when i told him i want to open new acct for our son. This $200 and my $200 is to pay for his childcare fees monthly. Other then this amt, he is very not wiling to fork out more than $200. Thats y every mth i end up to be the one who is saving for my son cause i wanted him to have this acct mah.

Mel,
How i wished i could see his CC transactions.
His bills all mail to his office so i wont have the chance to see unless he brings back home. But it is seldom he does that lor.

I ever thought of taking up another part time job when I was 2 mth that time, cause i wanted to save up a bit first. You know when i tell my hubby i wan to work part time and thinking of arranging interview, he say ok lor, ask me to go ahead. At that time, i felt quite hurt cause he can have the heart to let his wife to go work part time job knowing she is pregnant.....]

At last I didnt work part time cause initial few mths i keep falling sick so gynae ask me to rest cause i am overworked thats y hard to recover. now, health improved a bit la but spine still pain...but i also cant be excused from many things like housework....

In fact, I really hope that miracles can happen, that i will be able to have peaceful mind, no worries abt no $$ for baby....
 
Catherine,
i am glad you did not work p/t... you are taking care of yourself for 3 people, you, your first born and your baby-to be.

Well, $200 is better than nothing. I am sure you keep record of all your childcare / gynae expenses - if not start recording and "accidentally" leave a copy of it prominently in the room or the house. Sometimes, its "soft-sell" rather than nagging and demanding that works.

ladies, you all would like to have a look at your hubby's credit card bills and bank statements. For those who have access, good for you. For those who do not, please consider that most men would find it a threat to their ego and independence and would get very upset with the thought. This is one of those things that is very hard to compromise on... the message to your hubby, from the man's perspective is: You do not trust me, you have no respect for me, you are questioning my position and stature as a man - and that is a "no-no" and sure spark for a fight. And at the end of the day, the knowledge that you have is really not worth it.

If you know that he spends money on "toys" - can you stop him? If he spends money on wine and women - will he stop because you know?

Likewise, would you like your hubby to pry into your accounts and bills?
 
Ozzie,
I am on your side. I do not scrutinize my hubby's CC bills and bank statements, even though I have easy access. Likewise, I do not like him prying into my bills, and criticizing me for buying one too many clothes/shoes/handbags !

The thing is it is very difficult to change a man. So we should have been more careful when we decide to marry a man and have kids with him.

The only solution to Catherine's problem, is to try to make her hubby pay her enough allowance to support herself and the kids. A hubby who is not willing to support his wife and kids is unforgivable.
 
Hi Catherine

Im not sure if the situation will change even if you guys manage to get a flat of your own. Please, you are pregnant...how to have another part-time job? You have to rest & take care of yourself, at least for your baby's sake.

Well..im not going to ask if you had discussed financial matters with your husband before you guys got married. I guess that it is too late to talk about that now. I understand that some men feel threatened when probed into their financial status. I cannot agree that not knowing what your husband spends on to prevent further conflicts is better or not worth it. But i agree that some men manage their own financial matters very well & hence, do not warrant us probing into their money matters. In this case, we are talking about a man who has been overspending since young. A man who does not know his limits. It is ok if he wants to overspend. But he is doing it at the expense of his family. That i think, its enough reason for you to take over the financial matters.

It is very hard if his own mother 'encourages' your husband by not doing anything. Anyway, its too late for anyone to 'scold' him or try to make him wake up already. I agree with Tamarind that the only solution now is to make him give allowance. Since you are not able to take over his money nor have access to his credit information. I guess letting your family members know about this situation will only make matters worse. Is your family the sort who will confront your husband? Not sure how you feel about your marriage now. You may want to have some time on your own to consider your next step. Im not encouraging you to leave him but sometimes, its no point being married when actually, his existance does not matter. Whether he's with you or not, its the same. But should you decide to stand on your own in future, it's best you keep a record of your spendings.

Hope you can persuade him to give you the allowance you & your children deserve.
 
ya ladies, totally agree with what u all say. In fact, i really dun think i can take it if i work part time cause now even working my day job is already tiring me out almost completely.

Actually, i did think of whether should i divorce him or not but i have decided to hang on because of our kids.Tomorrow, my in laws wil be going back to KL for visiting and my mil will be staying there for quite some time. Now, really stress cause my job already taking up almost all my energy, how can i still manage to look after the household still?

Now, i am very worried that I cant cope cause now i am already struggling with work and looking after my boy cause my health is not really good. Due to low blood, i feel giddy easily and also due to lack of rest and sleep everyday, i fall sick easily. Cannot imagine how bad it will be later on...

As for money issues, i still dun have the best way out yet but i am already starting to save whatever little i can without letting my hubby know. I dont know by the time after i give birth how much it would be, i just hope that i wont be empty in pocket. So far, i havent plan till so far yet, just take a step at a time....

Now, i am trying to find a way to talk to my hubby on the household allowance that he should give me but dun know how to put to him, any ideas?
 
Make a list of your monthly expenditure and "accidentally" reveal it, eg put in on the bed/table with your other documents.

Comment casually that with the removal of guidelines for doctors charges, you wonder if your PD and Gynae will be charging more and that it is already not affordable.

Take it from there.
 
meanwhile, please take care of yourself. If your health is affected, your baby will be affected to.

If really bad, can you consider going back to your own family? Not separation, but just to nurse yourself, until the baby's delivery.
 
hi gals, long time no chat already...
lately feeling so stress...
everyday not enough sleep and also bothered by my hubby spending habits..

Now already 6 mths le....still havent really prepared for the coming of my 2nd boy....
 


Catherine
try to relieve the stress as much as possible, especially now that you are in your third trimester. You know that baby is sensitive to mother's moods and state of health, right?

Try to surround yourself with love and think happy thoughts.
 

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