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Gender disappointment and guilt

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Justkeepdancing, Dec 9, 2017.

  1. Justkeepdancing

    Justkeepdancing New Member

    I just got to know that my second baby will be another girl and as much as I am thankful that she is so far healthy and Normal I really cannot help feeling very very down and guilty from gender disappointment. I have no where to turn to because of judgement by others on gender preference. I don’t prefer any gender but I have always envision having a little boy who wld be able to join his daddy for his activities. Anyone went thru similar feelings?

    I am thinking of going to Thailand for PGD gender selection for my next child. Any recommendations?
     
    linkong83 and Arun like this.


  2. kissryl

    kissryl Active Member

    I understand that gender disappointment is real. But it might help to be still feeling thankful for having a child..
    To share, i have failed 3 ivfs just to try for a first child.. many of people i know is willing to give up so many stuff just to have a kid.
    Most impt is the baby is healthy, if you and hubby can manage, no harm trying for a third but be choosing to have a kid because you want a boy will be unfair to your baby now..
     
    introvert521 and kma6 like this.
  3. Dr. Tooth

    Dr. Tooth Active Member

    Next time if I have a boy, you wanna be his god-mother? Your primary role as a god-mother is to allocate a certain assets to him under his name. :p

    Alright let's get back to the topic. I came across this article and it is really interesting! As much as parents have baby gender preferences consciously, somehow... it seems to work the other way round. You also have to work harder in eliminating social pressure and judgement coming from others. Whoever has given you negative remarks, rid that person of from your life. It is none of his/ her business to interfere in your family affair. If it is coming from your hubby, then he needs to be more understanding. :)

    http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Can-Remember-Being-Born/2272045

    p.s: Baby girls and in their growing years are simply adorable as compared to baby boys in my personal observations and biased-ness
     
  4. Jewelnight

    Jewelnight New Member

    I had gender disappointment as well when I realized that I am having another girl. Like you, I always thought that I will be having a boy.

    Yes, I am thankful that I am having another healthy baby and the pregnancy has been going on well, but at the same time, I lament the fact that I will never have the little boy who I wished to have. I am probably not having another child after this, and hence was shocked and very disappointed...

    I can only say time will heal the "loss" and once the baby girl is born and in our arms, the thought of having a little boy instead of the little angel will seem so absurd.
     
  5. Justkeepdancing

    Justkeepdancing New Member

    Thank you for all your replies everyone. Very thankful.

    I guess I can only think of a Sister as the most precious and wonderful gift a Mother can give to an existing Daughter.

    Take care everyone.
     
  6. lovely0315

    lovely0315 Active Member

    Baby gal can be closed to daddy and go with daddy for his activities too..

    From my observation, usually daddy closer to baby gal than baby boy o..
     
  7. eruyps

    eruyps Member

    I have 2 boys and always prefer boy than gal, find that boy is more easy to handle as in no need to doll them up like princess. Until I have a baby gal. Just be thankful all of them are healthy don't really matter boy or gal.
     
  8. Steff kong

    Steff kong New Member

    Baby girls or boys doesn't make a diff, in fact as much as pple always says that girls are sold out for marriage buy most of the times we see that girls are always the one that take care of their old parents.
    Just think positive and u will appreciate what u have more.
    Cheers!
     
    sheltieslove likes this.
  9. snakebaby2013

    snakebaby2013 New Member

    I m oso facing this issue now..i hav a boy and currently expecting a baby girl..i m v disappointed..i m hoping to have another baby boy to accompany my elder boy..i feel so miserable everyday n donno how to love my daughter once she is born..anyone thought of ending their pregnancy after facing gender disappointment?
     
  10. eruyps

    eruyps Member

    Many people trying so hard to conceive yet you thought of ending your pregnancy. Daughter also equally cute. Bb also can't chose who to be their parents too.
     
  11. jayjayqueenie

    jayjayqueenie Active Member

    i prefer boys too. if i have a girl, i worry she will suffer the biasness that i have from my own mother. but eventually all i want is to have a child. i will try my best to give him/her the best that i have.
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2018
  12. mummytoh84

    mummytoh84 New Member

    I can't understand what's so upsetting about having a girl when you already have a boy snakebaby2013? And you actually want to end the pregnancy...
    I hope you are not the typical love-boy-more-than-girl mum or mum in law next time.

    I have a boy and 2 girls and I can't tell you how blessed I am with my girls. They talk to me more, are more responsible and most importantly, they like spending time w me more than my teenage boy wants to.

    My girls are the best thing that have ever happen to me.
     
  13. trent343

    trent343 New Member

    I only have one comment about all this. It seems like all of you are mothers or mothers-to-be. Without sounding cruel, I wonder if you felt thankful your mothers didn't end their pregnancies had they felt disappointed when finding out you were going to be born as baby girls? Hope this gives some measure of perspective. I do apologise if I've hurt anyone with my statement.
     
  14. trent343

    trent343 New Member

    By the way, I have a daughter and she's the love of my life.
     
  15. jayjayqueenie

    jayjayqueenie Active Member

    not everyone yo
     
  16. Jel1992

    Jel1992 Member

    Imagine those who tried all sort of methods to have a baby? I have a friend who has been trying for 11 years.... Throughout these 11 years, she has got 9 miscarriages and even though, her gynae and her husband asked her to adopt but she insisted and till now, she's still trying... Be contented with what you have, to you, yes it's a girl and at least you have a child and it's your own flesh and blood. What about those who are trying and failed? They are envious of you so count your blessings every single day and it's unfair for your baby if you have the thought to give her up just because of her gender. Did your mum give you up when she know your gender?
     
  17. be-brave

    be-brave Member

    many of us are "trapped' by the vision they have. boy can play with daddy, girl can be dressed up by mummy or must have 1 boy 1 girl or 2 boys can keep each other company.

    BUT.....these may not be true.

    children are born with different characters. i seen a brother v close to the sister, i seen a girl enjoying her time with daddy, i seen 2 brothers simply hate each other.

    So, don't think so much. just enjoy your children as who they are. boy can be sensitive and caring too, girls can play football also.

    i was sad my younger one is not a girl too, but he turns out to be such a darling.

    so, cheer up...not everything is within our control.
     
  18. kaikai_parent

    kaikai_parent New Member

    wow... dislike girl so much until you are miserable??
     
    hopefaithome likes this.
  19. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

    Hey hey, I have 2 boys and am now expecting a 3rd boy :p Yes, I did feel super disappointed for a while as I wanted a girl to "complete" the team. After that I woke up from my misery when my hubs said that some ladies want a baby so badly, but couldn't even have one, and this 3rd boy is destined to join us as a family. Instead of making him very unwelcome, we should embrace him with love and open arms. We cannot choose gender, neither can he choose to be in which family, which gender etc.

    We should feel grateful that the baby is a healthy baby. Gender is secondary, honestly speaking.

    You can plan to go for PGS for the next baby, but PLEASE do not shortchange this baby. She needs love too.
     
    linkong83 and the_spinsterella like this.
  20. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    Hi just wondering if you are researching for the ivf in Thailand?
     
  21. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    Hi there, not sure if anyone experience the following or in similar situations before:

    i had pple coming up to me and say i am sorry when they see three boys.

    When i did not want to say much and people asked if my elder ones are twins i said yes and they ask each of them which primary level are they in.

    Some say god bless you or say tsk tsk tsk, shook their heads when they know or see you with three boys.

    When u are pregnant with the third after 2 same gender people ask you and then ur family when you say you are team yellow (do not know the gender or not going to find out) what are you having boy or girl.

    When the baby is out, they looked at him and say your mum must be dissappointed you are not a girl. If only you are a girl.

    They asked aren't you dissappointed when you know it isn't a girl and this always have to come from pple wit one boy and one girl parents. Were you expecting and wanting a girl when you are pregnant.

    ur bff looked at your two mths old tummy saying another boy? when no one even knows

    I know we should not be bothered by what others day but somehow it sink into me very badly and i am always meeting pple like that.

    Gd is a taboo subject esp in Sg i had to join fb gender dissappointment groups to get my support as i walked out of that slowly and with depression pre natal and post.

    I am learning to thank for what i have and not ask for what i don't though it is a real struggle everytime i see a baby girl or faced with a not so kind comment.
     
  22. Sgguy

    Sgguy New Member

    Yes, it's good to feel that we're thankful for what we have and be happy about it. I have one son after long struggle and now proud of him & happy too. Actually, if it's a girl, I would be happy too - it's our child after all. I also heard from others commenting why stop at one kid, but we just let it be & be happy. Those comments from others has no effect on me now. Hope to share this and hope it helps. Wish you all the best, good luck & have bright happy future.
     
  23. I'm so glad to see this thread cos this disappointment is very real. I was very hopeful that my second would be a girl as I always wanted a daughter and me being an old mummy, I wouldn't have that many opportunities to try again. After my invasive needle poking exercise, I was thankful that bb is healthy but then not the gender we were hoping for.

    It took me a while to accept it. I love my second boy very much and my eldest is delighted that he has a brother to play with. Also consoled myself that the 好 combo of boy and girl may not be the best for my eldest son.

    God knows best truly. I still feel some pangs when I see baby girls but surrendering this to God. I had difficulties getting pregnant so having two boys is a miracle in itself.

    Hope we all can rejoice and be thankful, and may we fulfil our dreams in time to come in different ways.
     
    towkayneo and Sgguy like this.
  24. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    Thank you for your kind words, i had a relative who wanted a boy badly, she has a girl and she might end up with serious gd if her 2nd baby is a girl again so she stopped at one. That one girl is my god daughter and everything i wish for for a girl. Her mum and dad are not financially well off but hardworking and honest folks so they brought their daughter so well and so with one kid they are not so stress.
    I am sure your son has make you proud in every way that makes you happy too:)
     
  25. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    Yes indeed and many pple dismissed it or compared it with couples who are trying to conceive, i see it as different kinds of struggles but i do feel when we are more thankful for the things in life we are happier.
    i have been searching for related topics in Sg and it is just so hard to find and this thread does helps. It is definately a joy to see how same gender siblings play and interact, i always feel it is a different kind of chemistry among boy boy or girl girl or boy girl siblings.
    Wonder is it because as asian chinese we are so influenced by the sterotype 好 that result in dissapointments and also having boys would carry the name for generations. I console myself if i am from the past i would have become the queen, with 3 boys i have, well in reality pretty much too in terms of some "requests".
    Thank you for your well wishes. God has plans and give us what we can i truly believe that.
     
  26. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

    Hi Linkong! Let's be queens with our 3 boys! Yeah yeah!
    Are you going for another one? :p
     
    linkong83 likes this.
  27. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    How about you? haha My relative who has 3 going to army boys says let's go for another one haha I am the only child, i prefer big families but need a deep pocket first lol
     
  28. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking of going overseas to do the gender selection, nothing's firm yet though.
     
  29. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    Please do share when you have got the information, is it in Thailand or Us ?
    How old is your youngest may i ask?
     
  30. Yolanda Lukito

    Yolanda Lukito New Member

    i heard about gender choosing in KL. u might want to look at it. My sister plan to do this for her 3rd child
     
  31. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

    I have a friend who did it in Thailand, one shot one kill for both boys.
    Youngest is coming to 9 months.
     
  32. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

  33. johntan68

    johntan68 Member

    i used to prefer boy than gal. But i realized that boys are still boys, can be difficult to control during their teenage years. And seriously, if i will to turn back the clock, i would prefer a gal anytime...
     
  34. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    Thanks, didn't know about KL before this:)
     
  35. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    I heard a lot about wanting boys but in reality it seems harder to conceive girls. Hope to hear good news from you soon, my youngest is 15 months, i am just afraid of conceiving at a even older age it is draining.
     
  36. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    i heard girls are much more emotional at teenage years, there seems that boys nowadays can be as emotional nowadays. i am afraid of regrets but at timrs reality hits you hard from dreams and idealism.
     
  37. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

    Gee, how old are you? I'm 37, should be older than you.
     
  38. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

    I guess, you are right. I thought of walking away with 3 boys, but I wonder if I would regret NOT trying to get a girl when there are available technologies right now. In the event if I really couldn't get a girl, I would just give a loud sigh and say "At least I tried"
     
  39. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

    Well, I still prefer boys as they are much straightforward, but it's just wanting to have a pink to complete the family, that's all.
     
  40. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    one year older than me :) We aren't too far apart in terms of age.
     
  41. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    me too!:) i have been telling myself to be contented but the look and dreams of having a girl will make me tear, i knew how much i want a girl to complete the family, hub nit very supportive though...i am keen in the kl gender selection you were saying and i am trying to gather more info, if u are comfortable to share can pm me. Some days my imagination runs wild with getting a healthy baby girl.
     
  42. towkayneo

    towkayneo Well-Known Member

    KL, not BKK? I'm looking into both options cos my friend who did it in BKK brought home 2 boys.
     
  43. NatalieTan84

    NatalieTan84 New Member

    Erm...I have 2 girls.

    My hubby and I decided to stop trying for a boy after I gave birth to our 2 girls.

    Our thinking is quite mutual...Boy or girl,we will give our 100% love and care to them.

    My ILs esp my MIL did keep nagging at me eg why never give birth to a boy...

    I chose to brush off her comments and just agreed with my hubby that we will stand united with each other against the views of outsiders.

    12 years on,we and our girls are doing fine in life.What matters is that the girls are healthy and well.
     
  44. linkong83

    linkong83 New Member

    Glad to hear that your familiy is doing well. I know there are still folks out there who are hoping their children to have boys, the pressure can be great. Out there in the society, when there are families with girls and families with boys,they usually have a lot more to say to the latter, like boys more mischievious, naughty etc usually negative stuff.
    It is a blessing to have a child or children indeed so for those with GD has to handle their feelings with sensitivity. There are families who wants to focus on standard on living, some wants to complete a family with at least a boy and a girl, some under social pressure or own desire.
    My hub takes it easily when faced with negative comments, i wish i am like him, i am the one who is easily affected and somehow i always hear the worst of the worst from public till i avoid eye contact with strangers.

    Thanks for your sharing:)
     
  45. NatalieTan84

    NatalieTan84 New Member

    I understand...I have a JC classmate who got married with his girlfriend and being the only male and child in his family felt obliged to give birth to a son to his dad who is getting old throughout the years although his dad did not say or request for anything of this sort.

    He kept trying and ended up with 3 lovely girls.Advised him to just stop citing the high cost of supporting a child in SG.And there are couples out there who have difficulties having a child.

    Just be happy what the heavens gives you.
     
    Hopeful23 likes this.

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