contemplating divorce.

C

cet0314

New Member
hi all, like to share this issue close to my heart as I am in need of some advice.

We have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We have 2 children (2yo, 7mo). When I delivered my first one, I was doing confinement at my mom's house and because of that, there was a lot of tension between my husband and mom. Subsequently, I found out through his messages/email exchanges that he confided in this colleague of his. Their texts got to the point of being flirty, and my husband being the social butterfly that he is, made a lot of suggestive remarks. Of course I blew my top, but that issue got quickly forgotten as we moved on with our daily lives. But that episode was always at the back of my mind. Fast forward this year, I delivered my second one in May. During this time, we stopped being intimate around 3months into my 2nd pregnancy. Two weeks before I was about to deliver, he did not come home for one whole night. I was suspicious and kept questioning him, but he didn't reply my message from 12am till around 4am, where he said he went to his mom's house to spend the night. it was labour day PH. The next morning, he appeared without any explanation, just say he went to his mom house. Of course I didn't buy it, but because I did not have enough evidence to point fingers at him, I had to shutup. I began to suspect he was doing something fishy but couldn't point my fingers to it as I had not enough evidence. Later, I will go on to find out from his credit card bill that he actually paid for KTV and a hotel stay at Fragrance Hotel on that very day. And I just recently found out (from his WeChat messages) that he was actually helping 2 china ladies (one of whom he was having affair with) for a stay there as their air-conditioning broke down that very day.

So, I found out over 2 weeks ago, that he was having affair with this China masseuse, and also with another ex-colleague of his. I believe that ex-col was just a fling, no real feelings attached. But when I saw the messages he had with this China masseuse, it seems that he has put some real feelings inside. He even got her gold necklace, lipstick, bag etc. No wonder I saw all these transactions on his CC bills, which he has now stopped paper statements to our house. When I questioned him about all these, he vehemently denied. I will soon find out from their conversations, that he asked the China girl to deny knowing him, to deny everything and I will not have a case against them. Up till the day I found out, they were still in contact. And the girl even asked him to delete the messages so I will not have chance to find out.

I asked my siblings, family, church friends. They advised me that a leopard never change its spots. Furthermore, he is always emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and my helper. My helper can testify that he is always shouting vulgarities at her (due to her pimply face) when he is angry/did not get things done his way. This happened since marriage. Whenever he is stressed out, he will vent his frustrations on me. When I was pregnant with both kids, he never gave me a lot of care, and always returned home late. Now I know why - he's been seeing other people behind my back, and I was no longer interesting to him. When I vomited due to nausea at home, he asked me not to dirty the toilet bowl and go down to the condo toilet to do my dirty business. And said that if I go on vomiting, he is so scared to have another child with me. He will scold me vulgarities whenever we are quarreling, and even criticised my job, saying that it is in some ulu place and I have to wake up so early everyday just to get to work. Mind him, I still had to pump and makeup etc at 7am. He wakes at 8am and complains as he works in town. We contribute almost 50-50 to the joint account!

I know it might seem abit one-sided coming from me, but trust me these are all facts. I was a princess before marriage, but since then, I became mild as I did not want to aggravate situation and affect the kids. Now, I just want to divorce peacefully with him, but he said he will surely contest. Not so sure whether he will do that, as ultimately both sides will have to fork out more from contested divorce, which I am sure he will not want to pay. Could someone advise me how to deal with the China girl and him? Thanks in advance!!
 


It’s simple. Get the evidence against them. Use it to talk to him. Tell him the consequence if he contest as you can blacklist the women if u have evidence of adultery
 
In my frank opinion, get all the solid evidences thru PI so tt u hv a solid case to get him to pay for the maintenance w/o letting him & bitch off easily. With the solid evidences gather he will not dare to contest u & u may also approach ICA to deport her. Having said that, u need to plan probably without alerting him with all these. The best is to act blur & catch them off guards
 
Hi Sis,

I'm sorry to hear what you being thru, with 2 young kids and with hubby not supportive; having affair, it is pretty hard on you. Stay strong!
I'm not sure both of you want to go for church counseling or any family counseling etc.. do you think you want to give that a try or at least give both parties a chance rather than to pull the plug immediately? Don't just listen to your church friends or siblings, cos you will be the one that facing the aftermath effects, so you will be the one making this call eventually. Divorce is a messy thing so you need to think carefully.

Having said all these, if you are pretty firm in your decision, that is to go ahead to divorce him, there are few things that i would suggest you to do:-
1. Stop the joint account contributions, this can be quite tricky. Clear cut is, you keep your own money.

2. Start to collect facts and figures pertaining to the expenses of the family, your kids as these are the things you need when asking maintenance.

3. Start to collect evidents of his money movements, example where he park his money, bank accts etc..

4. There are couple of ways to file for divorce, for example having affair is one, the other is unreasonable behavior which you already mentioned above; like abusive, never come home. For affair, you will probably need to collect some evidents.

5. If needed, I would suggest perhaps that you can speak to a lawyer, he/she will be able to give you some advices and various options you have.

6. You will also need to work on the math, that is whether you want to buy over the property or do you have the financial means to buy another house of your own? As you own a private now, you are not entited to BTO till 30 months later; only option is private or HDB resales.

How to deal with the China woman, frankly, that is not an easy task. As long as that china woman never break the laws, no way ICA will deport her. Having an affair is not breaking the laws. I kind of not in opinion to waste too much energy on that china woman, but rather focus on what you going to deal with you hubby.

John
 
Yes, u can’t deport her but if can prove she is having affair with your husband then you can blacklist her. Use this to negotiate for maintenance and child custody and make him don’t contest divorce with you.

For a marriage, man and women have different view. If it’s just quarreling and misunderstanding then maybe counseling can work. But if he is having affair, it’s not going to work. Forgive is easy, forget is difficult.
 
I will have to agree to the "Leopards will not change its spot" when it comes to infidelity.

As much as how damaging it can be to the kids, divorce in this case is probably the way to go.
Collecting evidence is definitely crucial, if you can afford it, get professional Private Investigator to do it while you continue your everyday life as per normal so your husband will not suspect.
 
Actually if the hubby wants to contest, he still can even with evidence of him having affair. He still can file that the wife having unreasonable behavior that leads him astray. He still can contest in many areas like maintenance, care and control, custody etc if he chose to.
I hope your hubby is sensible guy and not just to exhaust your financial by contesting. A friend of mine spend more than $150k in legal just to purposely exhausted his ex wife financial which I find it silly. At the end of day, the winners are the lawyers.

John.
 
I dont think the excuse of going wife unreasonable behaviour is a excuse in court for having affair.
yes, he can contest whatever he wants but if adultery the wife can claim cost of divorce from him. so just using his money to fight for better maintenance. there is also women charter to assist women.
 
johntan68 said:
Actually if the hubby wants to contest, he still can even with evidence of him having affair. He still can file that the wife having unreasonable behavior that leads him astray. He still can contest in many areas like maintenance, care and control, custody etc if he chose to.
I hope your hubby is sensible guy and not just to exhaust your financial by contesting. A friend of mine spend more than $150k in legal just to purposely exhausted his ex wife financial which I find it silly. At the end of day, the winners are the lawyers.

John.
Click to expand...

that is a joke pls. once u file adultery, unless he can come up with the same reason if not then the divorce will be based on aduktery on his part.
150k, must he very rich guy la. my friend settle the divorce with adultery and make the husband pay for the cost. even want to contest, the man will also see whether it's worth it. can I know in the end who win?
 
newlife2010 said:
that is a joke pls. once u file adultery, unless he can come up with the same reason if not then the divorce will be based on aduktery on his part.
150k, must he very rich guy la. my friend settle the divorce with adultery and make the husband pay for the cost. even want to contest, the man will also see whether it's worth it. can I know in the end who win?
Click to expand...
For my friend case, no one win. Out of court settlement. Resolved amicably...
 
How to court settlement? I think your friend lying to you.
Maintenance sure need to be stated amount. Care n control sure to someone. Also divorce based on what radon sure will be in court paper.
 
I think it depends, even if you divorce due to adultery, it’s not a law that your husband needs to give you all he got.

My mother’s friend divorced as her husband was cheating on her and he even brought the China woman home to have sex on their bed. She came home to it, took a video and file for divorce.

The husband contested saying that it was my mom’s friend fault that let to the divorce due to their relationship being cold, blah blah blah... all the standard reasons. But the judge rule that out as she had concrete evidence of the adultery.

But because she was earning more than him, the court only got the husband to pay maintenance to the 2 kids and she got nothing, except her husband have to pay for all legal fees, the PI fees and all court fees.
 
Thank you so much all for your advice and messages. I feel so glad I am not alone in this. :)

Just thinking how, and when should I break this to him. I know I have got 6 months from the date I discovered the affairs. He is mostly unpredictable and verbally abusive so I am planning for my children to not be around.
 
cet0314 said:
Thank you so much all for your advice and messages. I feel so glad I am not alone in this. :)

Just thinking how, and when should I break this to him. I know I have got 6 months from the date I discovered the affairs. He is mostly unpredictable and verbally abusive so I am planning for my children to not be around.
Click to expand...

Did you have the evidence already? Once you have, you can confront him.
Do note evidence usually only valid for 6 months :)

But to be honest, filing adultery and filing 'unreasonable behaviour' is similar. It's just a reason for divorce
 
Drain said:
Did you have the evidence already? Once you have, you can confront him.
Do note evidence usually only valid for 6 months :)

But to be honest, filing adultery and filing 'unreasonable behaviour' is similar. It's just a reason for divorce
Click to expand...
there is a different. unreasonable behaviour u cannot claim PI and legal fees, adultery u can.
 
For some reason we are in same boat. There was one who post here before which i try to contact. Dqueen is the name. She said something about hire a hitman and fix her problem. I try contact now but can not find leh. If Dqueen can read this email me please. Marperval1978 at gmail. I need you refer me so I can get my life back. Rich people can manipulate everything and make me like i am one at fault. I need change in life.
 
helpless_nomore said:
For some reason we are in same boat. There was one who post here before which i try to contact. Dqueen is the name. She said something about hire a hitman and fix her problem. I try contact now but can not find leh. If Dqueen can read this email me please. Marperval1978 at gmail. I need you refer me so I can get my life back. Rich people can manipulate everything and make me like i am one at fault. I need change in life.
Click to expand...
I think he/she have being arrested!
it's a scam.

anyway what problem you have? of because of infidelity then just divorce, why do unlawful things.
 
margret said:
I dont think the excuse of going wife unreasonable behaviour is a excuse in court for having affair.
yes, he can contest whatever he wants but if adultery the wife can claim cost of divorce from him. so just using his money to fight for better maintenance. there is also women charter to assist women.
Click to expand...

Yes I agree with you. She has no idea how powerful this is.
 
I see how people money can make a difference. Lawyers can manipulate the truth. Can even make evidence against you or destroy evidence. Then now just my word against his word. Hard to explain lah but if you can only feel what we feel. Sometimes money can make everything look you are thd wrong one.
 
One of the mummy told me about it. Inform the moderators and they banned the account.
If you have the money, get the best lawyer. I am sure you have the evidence you will win. Moreover why wanna to commit a offense and in the end you are caught, u lose even more
 
wendy_reborn said:
One of the mummy told me about it. Inform the moderators and they banned the account.
If you have the money, get the best lawyer. I am sure you have the evidence you will win. Moreover why wanna to commit a offense and in the end you are caught, u lose even more
Click to expand...
I am just desperate. Thank you for reply. I wish can be strong and hard willed like you. Best lawyer = large money. My fault i make it this long before i act. I always think we can fix us. Now a little too late and now hard to get evidence. I will end up to be the one losing.
 
helpless_nomore said:
I am just desperate. Thank you for reply. I wish can be strong and hard willed like you. Best lawyer = large money. My fault i make it this long before i act. I always think we can fix us. Now a little too late and now hard to get evidence. I will end up to be the one losing.
Click to expand...
even u manage to get someone to do some dirty work, it's not cheap. also how could you live with blood in your hands.
if really u wan evidence, get a good PI.
 
margret said:
even u manage to get someone to do some dirty work, it's not cheap. also how could you live with blood in your hands.
if really u wan evidence, get a good PI.
Click to expand...
I will do this. Get PI. The reason i ask about dqueen is because i want to know how it work. Expensive or not? Easy or not? Not really serious yet. Just maybe fantasy on my head. I dont know. Maybe just messed up and depressed.
 
helpless_nomore said:
I will do this. Get PI. The reason i ask about dqueen is because i want to know how it work. Expensive or not? Easy or not? Not really serious yet. Just maybe fantasy on my head. I dont know. Maybe just messed up and depressed.
Click to expand...


All country has its law and order.

I can read you are fanning this, very very passively.

You are either an accomplice, or you are actually her.

Why don't you just go ahead with 'your way'. when you are on the run, update us on how you get scotfree from the deed.




as for TS, get as much evidence and ask for a peaceful Dv. if he retaliates, then throw the proof in his face and challenge him. meantime protect yourself financially.

As for the China girl, unless he dries up if not, she won't leave him as he is another source of income for her. hence please move on.

for you, now, is to try all means to 'drain' him up (financially) faster than her.
 
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wendy_reborn said:
How to court settlement? I think your friend lying to you.
Maintenance sure need to be stated amount. Care n control sure to someone. Also divorce based on what radon sure will be in court paper.
Click to expand...
Not pertaining to the care and control as he didn’t contest. The contested area was the right amount of Maintainence, who paid for the legals etc, both side of the lawyers negotiated and presented that before the judge to close the case.
 
maintenance also cannot settle outside of court. need to have amount to be put into the divorce paper.
it's stupid to pay $150k for lawyer to fight for maintenance.
there should be thing he didnt told you, as it's too much.
 
johntan68 said:
Not pertaining to the care and control as he didn’t contest. The contested area was the right amount of Maintainence, who paid for the legals etc, both side of the lawyers negotiated and presented that before the judge to close the case.
Click to expand...

wow! the maintenance must be a lot for him to pay the lawyer $150k to fight for it. sometime you cant be too stubborn in court. He should know his right and the wife rights. In the end, he not only lose $150k, he still need to pay maintainence and also out of court settlement.
 
But if he is just entering and exiting the massage parlour, how do i prove adultery even if i have PI photos?
 
cet0314 said:
Omg guys i tracked him and now he is meeting the woman. Shd i go into the massage salon and take pictures?
Click to expand...

those place doesn't allow women to go in. how u going to take pictures. even if u manage to go in, they have cubicle.
if he see you, u will never going to take more evidence.
calm down and plan to do it
 
cet0314 said:
But if he is just entering and exiting the massage parlour, how do i prove adultery even if i have PI photos?
Click to expand...

If have to be patience when getting evidence. You’re husband have a affair with masseuse so they will go hotel. Get the professional to do it
 
sweetmelody said:
if we take those photo ourselves.. is it valid?? I think its better to engage a good PI to do the job...
Click to expand...

that the problem.
many try to save money and try to do their own investigation.
not only they cant get evidence, they will mess up the whole situation but alerting the husband. in the end, waste time and money
 
I don't understand why do you have to suffer this? Your husband is a local man. That kind cannot be husband can only be temporary spare tyre. He is meant to be divorced and get him to pay using the women's charter when you find your real caucasian man.
 
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