Coercion by husband and in-laws to continue family bloodline through egg donation

[Angelica Cheng]

Me and my husband have been trying for a child for a few years. Last year, while I was undergoing IVF treatment, I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserves and poor egg quality. My doctor advised that my chances of conceiving a child with my own eggs are close to zero, and strongly recommended that I should use an egg donor.

Ever since then, I have been under intense pressure from my husband and in-laws to conceive a child via egg donation to continue their family bloodline. My in-laws run a traditional Chinese family business in the furniture industry with factories in Malaysia and Thailand. To have a grandson to continue their bloodline and take over their business is of utmost importance to them.

In fact, they want me to undergo IVF overseas, so that genetic selection (PGS) can be used to select a son instead of daughter, whereas sex selection is banned in Singapore. I had been thinking of using my cousin as egg donor, but in my in-law's eye, just having a blood relative as an egg donor is not good enough. My father-in-law had in fact contacted a mainland China agency that provides beautiful, talented and highly intelligent egg donors who are undergrads at the top elite universities in China. I find that scary, like being used as a guinea pig in an animal breeding experiment.

Recently, my husband hinted that he is considering to divorce me if I am unable to produce a son for him. I feel that this is a form of emotional blackmail, and smack of male chauvinism in traditional Chinese culture.

I have consulted my close friends, and there are varying opinions. Some have suggested leaving my husband, while others suggested that I should strive to fulfill my role as a woman and wife to achieve true happiness.

However, I am not psychologically comfortable with the idea of carrying another woman's child in my womb, and feel that the child by egg donation will not really be my own flesh and blood.

I am really confused. Please kindly advise how I should deal with my situation.

 

[skirtrunning]

This sounds very difficult, I'm so sorry you have no control over what is happening and yet have to face the pressures of expectations from your loved ones. You mentioned you were thinking of using your cousin as an egg donor but feel uncomfortable having to bear another woman's child in your womb. I was wondering if it be of any consolation that the egg donor be at least somewhat related to you. If it is, perhaps you could start conversations with your in laws and spouse on your susceptibility to an egg donor with a condition that she be someone related at least remotely to you and explain to them why, because you'd like to feel the child in your body and would imagine you'd feel more affectionate if that child be from someone at least somewhat related in blood with you. Personally I have a family friend, he's a childhood friend of my dad's who brought up two adopted children because the couple could not conceive when they were younger. They are now in their late sixties and lived very fulfilled happy lives with their adopted children now in their thirties and their grandchildren. I can only imagine their dilemma and the internal struggles they had to overcome before taking on their decisions during the 1980s in Singapore where adoption was perhaps less widely understood and less commonly accepted as compared to today. In this age of technology, at least medical advances can help you conceive a child that is, for lack of a better word, indirectly related to you (perhaps more so to the father in your case, and less so to you, the mother). But do give some thought to how important and much can you see your life improve from here if you have a child conceived thru this way with your spouse. If having a child to bring up with your spouse greatly enhances your life, then the next thing to ask yourself is whether knowing the fact that the child is not borne from your egg, make any difference to the way you see this child, the way you will love and guide and nurture this child who will call you mummy and learn the ways of life through you.

 

[Angelica Cheng]

This sounds very difficult, I'm so sorry you have no control over what is happening and yet have to face the pressures of expectations from your loved ones. You mentioned you were thinking of using your cousin as an egg donor but feel uncomfortable having to bear another woman's child in your womb. I was wondering if it be of any consolation that the egg donor be at least somewhat related to you. If it is, perhaps you could start conversations with your in laws and spouse on your susceptibility to an egg donor with a condition that she be someone related at least remotely to you and explain to them why, because you'd like to feel the child in your body and would imagine you'd feel more affectionate if that child be from someone at least somewhat related in blood with you. Personally I have a family friend, he's a childhood friend of my dad's who brought up two adopted children because the couple could not conceive when they were younger. They are now in their late sixties and lived very fulfilled happy lives with their adopted children now in their thirties and their grandchildren. I can only imagine their dilemma and the internal struggles they had to overcome before taking on their decisions during the 1980s in Singapore where adoption was perhaps less widely understood and less commonly accepted as compared to today. In this age of technology, at least medical advances can help you conceive a child that is, for lack of a better word, indirectly related to you (perhaps more so to the father in your case, and less so to you, the mother). But do give some thought to how important and much can you see your life improve from here if you have a child conceived thru this way with your spouse. If having a child to bring up with your spouse greatly enhances your life, then the next thing to ask yourself is whether knowing the fact that the child is not borne from your egg, make any difference to the way you see this child, the way you will love and guide and nurture this child who will call you mummy and learn the ways of life through you.

Thanks for your advice. Actually, one of my doctors recommended that I use my cousin as egg donor, so as to maintain some genetic link between myself and the child. However, my husband and in-laws actually look down on my cousin because she has neither a degree nor diploma, and also because she is currently working as a cashier at a supermarket. They consider her "inferior genetic stock" and unfit to be their egg donor. As mentioned, they have contacted a mainland China agency that provides beautiful, talented and highly intelligent egg donors who are undergrads at the top elite universities in China. I find that scary, like being used as a guinea pig in an animal breeding experiment. They are somewhat obsessed not only with intelligence, but also having a tall and fair-skinned donor, so that they can have a tall, fair-skinned and handsome male heir. The irony here is that neither my husband or father-in-law are tall and fair-skinned. In fact, they are more of the average Singaporean Chinese type in terms of height and complexion.

 

[skirtrunning]

Thanks for your advice. Actually, one of my doctors recommended that I use my cousin as egg donor, so as to maintain some genetic link between myself and the child. However, my husband and in-laws actually look down on my cousin because she has neither a degree nor diploma, and also because she is currently working as a cashier at a supermarket. They consider her "inferior genetic stock" and unfit to be their egg donor. As mentioned, they have contacted a mainland China agency that provides beautiful, talented and highly intelligent egg donors who are undergrads at the top elite universities in China. I find that scary, like being used as a guinea pig in an animal breeding experiment. They are somewhat obsessed not only with intelligence, but also having a tall and fair-skinned donor, so that they can have a tall, fair-skinned and handsome male heir. The irony here is that neither my husband or father-in-law are tall and fair-skinned. In fact, they are more of the average Singaporean Chinese type in terms of height and complexion.

I think it's very important to understand from the doctor the importance of maintaining a genetic link between mother and child. Could it be because of medical reasons for example if in any event there is a health threat to the baby, at least a part of the mother's body can help to cure the baby when there is some form of genetic link as opposed to zero link at all when the child is borne from a complete stranger's egg? If so, I think it is important to have your husband to listen to the doctor's reason for this from a medical perspective. Secondly, given the understanding that the egg donor is supposedly of 'superior genetic stock' and your husband's sperm is supposedly 'normal' with no issues, I think it is important to consider what happens if somewhere along the way, your womb rejects the egg or the baby produced from your womb through this manner is born with some health issues (god forbids, but touch wood, what if), what is the likelihood that your in-laws (and perhaps even your husband) would start blaming you for the issue since there is a belief that you are the only 'problem factor' in this whole equation? I think it is important to think about this point if the decision is to go this way because at the moment, your husband and in laws sound like they already do not empathise with your discomforts of carrying a stranger's baby in your womb, how much more will they consider about your feelings and empathise with you if sth were to go wrong with the baby later when the baby is conceived after using this method? They need to face the possibility that if you are to conceive in this manner, there can still be a possibility that things go wrong and if and when they do, are they prepared to deal with it without emotionally blackmailing you?
Lastly, mainland China agency providing elite egg donors sound very dubious to me. There are many mainland China scam businesses out there which are performing all these 'services' that are really just out to skim a load from rich foreigners especially Singaporeans. As much as I know, in Singapore, it is already illegal to select gender before assisted conception, how much can the Singapore legal framework step in to support your family if anything were to go wrong when your family proceeds to engage such 'services' from this 'mainland China agency'? Whether your family can still sue the business is still a question mark, much less whether it can stand under SG Laws that are more.protective over the consumer.

 

[Angelica Cheng]

I think it's very important to understand from the doctor the importance of maintaining a genetic link between mother and child. Could it be because of medical reasons for example if in any event there is a health threat to the baby, at least a part of the mother's body can help to cure the baby when there is some form of genetic link as opposed to zero link at all when the child is borne from a complete stranger's egg? If so, I think it is important to have your husband to listen to the doctor's reason for this from a medical perspective. Secondly, given the understanding that the egg donor is supposedly of 'superior genetic stock' and your husband's sperm is supposedly 'normal' with no issues, I think it is important to consider what happens if somewhere along the way, your womb rejects the egg or the baby produced from your womb through this manner is born with some health issues (god forbids, but touch wood, what if), what is the likelihood that your in-laws (and perhaps even your husband) would start blaming you for the issue since there is a belief that you are the only 'problem factor' in this whole equation? I think it is important to think about this point if the decision is to go this way because at the moment, your husband and in laws sound like they already do not empathise with your discomforts of carrying a stranger's baby in your womb, how much more will they consider about your feelings and empathise with you if sth were to go wrong with the baby later when the baby is conceived after using this method? They need to face the possibility that if you are to conceive in this manner, there can still be a possibility that things go wrong and if and when they do, are they prepared to deal with it without emotionally blackmailing you?
Lastly, mainland China agency providing elite egg donors sound very dubious to me. There are many mainland China scam businesses out there which are performing all these 'services' that are really just out to skim a load from rich foreigners especially Singaporeans. As much as I know, in Singapore, it is already illegal to select gender before assisted conception, how much can the Singapore legal framework step in to support your family if anything were to go wrong when your family proceeds to engage such 'services' from this 'mainland China agency'? Whether your family can still sue the business is still a question mark, much less whether it can stand under SG Laws that are more.protective over the consumer.

Actually from what I understand, many of these Mainland China egg donor agencies have offices in foreign countries such as the USA. Egg donation is actually illegal in Mainland China. So how these agencies operate is that they recruit young women from mainland China and get them to travel overseas to donate their eggs. So if the egg donor contract is being handled by the USA office, then American laws will apply, which will protect against scam. My father-in-law and husband is aware of this, so if we ever get a Mainland China donor, we will sign a contract that is legally-binding in the USA. The agency can then arrange for the egg donor to travel directly to Malaysia, where commercial egg donation is permitted. Here is a website of one such Mainland China agency, which explains how the process works:

Chinese Egg Donors in China

Read about egg donation in China and why some couples choose to work with egg donors in China and why others come to the united states.

eggasiancy.com

Looking at some media reports about the recruitment of Mainland China egg donors, I find the practices of such agencies quite scary:

Schoolgirls in China paid large sums to donate eggs to infertile couples on black market

Health experts have called for government regulation to halt the black market trade in women's eggs, following a report on the practice by state broadcaster CCTV.

www.scmp.com

Waiting lists for donated eggs surge after China's child policy loosened - Global Times

www.globaltimes.cn

Here is a rather scary photo of a prospective egg donor being measured by agents, taken by an undercover journalist. This resembles a slave market or trafficking of prostitutes.