Baby prefers grandma, not me

Hi Siow Leng,
I'm a SAHM. initial intention was to continue working after maternity leave but due to various reasons , got to be a, maid no good, own mum got health prob , not willing to expose DD to germs at infantcare, cannot trust auntie babysitter...and so on...i guess i was too suspicious..dunno why i become so gan cheong after giving birth...

anyway, my grievous is also with MIL. first, when i was pregnant, i had a terrible first trimester with severe vomitting and was hospitalised twice and on MC for 2 months. she only visited me once during my whole pregnancy and during that visit, it was more talking to my hubby then showing me concern. nvm, i told myself, it's fine coz i'm cool. I just pray that she won't come and mess things up after i give birth..
but things dun alws go accd to our wishes.

Before i gave birth, she told me that she wont be able to visit me during the 1st month coz mine is a daughter, will "chong" her. i listen and did not give it much tot, altho my own mum finds it very silly of her to think this way.

but, on the day i gave birth, she came to visit, not me, haha, but she stood outside the ward and look at my baby from far..she didnt even talk to me...very sad but i didnt let that get me down. not worth it.

During the confinement days, she also came over to my place ...i stop short of asking her why she came , not afraid will "chong" her ? but i daren't say lah. she bought lotsa pork belly to ask my mum to cook for me..accd to her superstition, is to change tummy , so that i can give birth to a boy next time !!!!! I didnt eat at all.. my mum threw away the cooked belly twice coz i said i feel nauseous after eating. too angry to eat. being pregnant is already hard enuff, now she nv even say anything good but keep saying must try for another one!!! I stop short of telling her that it has been proven that the gender is determined by the hubby not wife.

then, it came to BF. I've tried my best to BF my girl. She's the type who will latch on for an hour to feed. tiring but i strive on . however, the females in my family do not have good milk supply, I'm already better than most of them..managed to TBF for more than 2 months, then turn partial coz return to work, not enuff. I resigned after 2 months to stay home ....but very unluckily, my DD fell sick on the last week of my employment and I got to take care of her plus i got sick as my milk supply dwindled .. u know what my mum in law says? she accused me of not BF my girl and keep forcing me to BF her all the time. I was already so sick and trying my best to keep up and not lose it and there she is, forcing me to BF all the time. i had to work and take care of DD that crucial week and it was ultra stressful and tiring for me. as my girl was sick, she slept a lot, so i can't let her latch on and got to express out..MIL scolds me whenever she sees me expressing. ...i really dunno why she's like that..and she was such a big nuisance that whole week..i also dunno why she visited us and stayed for the same whole week when we were sick.

now that i stopped BF due to no more supply, not by my choice, she till kept harping on it, saying that another relative is still BF her daughter who is 16 mth old. I want to ask her to shut up but i can't. will ruin our r/ship..just felt very indignant..

she even says things like why i dun want to work..i got to lie that I am still doing some work at home, like accounting. just to shut her up. it was not easy for me to give up my job either . I loved my job and was earning a good income but for the love of my child, i quit.

once, we told her that we sold our old fan and rice cooker via yahoo auction, she sarcastically ask why we so poor now.. and look at my direction, as if accusing me of putting us in this situation...but my hubby quickly says tat we want to buy new ones, so since can sell to another person, why not.

If not for my hubby being there , protecting and explaining most of the time, i think she'll accuse me non-stop of many things..

just this morning, because hubby did a minor op last week , she came very very early and brought brewed birds' nest. we were still sleeping when she arrived and she looks at me disapprovingly when i woke up to greet the past, she alws says that i must wake up early to do housework, this and that....what she doesnt know is that it is physically tiring for SAHM like us, we are infant caregiver, maid, wife..with no off days. how to wake up so early...
anyway, she ask my hubby to finish the birds' nest and when hubby say too much, cant finish, she says she wants to give DD...nv once did she offer me a sip...i'm not the type who takes this type of tonic, but i would feel good if she ask, right?

Nevermind, this is life as someone's daughter-in-law.

Perle, sometimes just dun understand how come MILs are always like this. Don't they used to be somebody else's DIL too? I know mine went thru plenty of hardships when she was younger, used to go on n on abt how she was being ill treated, then how come she is doing the exact same thing to me? Cannot help but wonder if she is passing on the unjust and hurt she had to endure onto me...

Tonic wise, when I was pregnant and in confinement, she brewed lots for me: So the baby in my stomach can benefit, and so that I will have a strong body to bear a son next time. All the time the CL told me I am lucky to have such good food, inside was shriveling cos it's not meant for me... I'm just eating just so she can nourish my children. Not once she say it's meant for me... Now after confinement? Ha. I gotta cut back on certain foods due to bf, but I dun get the tonics cos after confinement liao. And I can go buy whatever I want to eat now that it is easy and convenient for me to go abt again... Hmmm...

Anyway, shifted back to our own place since it's the sch hols. Thought I will get 2 mths of absolute peace, too bad I am wrong again. I was clearing and tidying my place and my MIL visits. Immediately started tsk-tsking everything I do. So messy, so untidy, so dusty. What do you expect, I'am basically spring cleaning what!

The worse is her insisting I pack EVERYTHING in plastic bags. My sis IL puts everything in huge plastic bags and stack them against the wall. I had to help them label it just so they remember what is inside. With or w/o the labelling, can you imagine how it looks to have wall-to-wall plastic bags full of stuff in every room?! I prefer using transparent boxes which I can stack in the storeroom. Everytime she visits, she gives me grief abt this. Sigh... her daughter what, of cos to her, her way is better...
hi caroltsl,

i agree with you on this! "Tonic wise, when I was pregnant and in confinement, she brewed lots for me: So the baby in my stomach can benefit, and so that I will have a strong body to bear a son next time. All the time the CL told me I am lucky to have such good food, inside was shriveling cos it's not meant for me... I'm just eating just so she can nourish my children."

I'm now pregnant with my second child, with my first, she kept brwing stuff in the hope i have a son this time round(my 1st is a bb gal) I'm only 9 wks preggers, so i don't know gender of baby yet...BUT i totally know what u mean by all you've said man. It's like we're a carrier for the baby..a walking womb :p
Im so glad im not staying same house with MIL. During my confinement, she stayed at my place with her maid. Gosh! I was so depressed back then. Though they have been helpful, but the remarks i heard everyday was not what ive imagined. I dont understand why MIL must always see me breastfeed and ask 'Are u sure she is drinking?' Duh...i told her of cos cant u see her jaw is moving..then she will go out of the room and do something then come back after a while and ask me ' still havent finish?' Back then i remember my baby drinks very could take abt an hr or so to finish both sides. She will keep coming to check and comment' Aiyoo so long..make sure she is not treating u like a pacifier'..I think the main thing is that she wants to carry and be with the baby so when i hog with the baby she cant do that! Then she will ensure that when im bathing or eating, she prepare FM (which i plan to only give when emergencies) and give to baby without waiting for me. She will ask me to go n eat la, go n bathe tat she can feed the baby. Bcos of all these FM given to baby when im doing something else, my supply wasnt good. My MIL do not understand the theory behind all that. Sometimes after baby finish breastfeeding, still hungry, she will also give FM. All this will result in a drop of supply for me, how come she dont get it? Im sure during her time, noone bother her when she's breastfeeding..those days buying milk powder would be too ex for them..Of cos la her supply must be good..she kept on saying i dont have enough milk!! Now that my baby is 4.5mths, she kept on bugging me to give cereal to add to FM/EBM since my baby was 3 mths and kept saying if i give cereal baby can sleep longer at nite!! NOT true. I like gundu, go and follow her to supermarket and buy the nestum (Frisocreme) and met doctor for checkup on baby. Doc said not to give any solids yet till 6mths. I stopped the cereal immediately! She even instruct me to give baby 2 times a day (1.5 teaspoon each) with milk. After i stopped the cereal, she asked me why i stopped. I told her abt what the doc said and u know what she said to me ' If u ask the doc of cos la the doc said like that' Actually can..I really cannot stand it!! She said she give all her kids cereal since 3 mths, even give them by spoon. Im thinking --crazy!!

My SIL is obsessed with my baby.My baby happen to be the 1st grandchild. When my SIL visits my baby or when we go over to her place, she will always hog with the baby, even when my hb's family is around, i dont get to hold my baby at all and they totally ignore me, like im not there and they are busy playing with the baby and guess what? when my baby wanna drink, my SIL come to me and said ' Give her the FM la,,if u breastfeed very long must wait', Can u believe that? She is 35 yrs old not married and know nuts abt breastfeeding. So i told her breastmilk is the best for the baby. She said FM also can what.Until now, she kept on asking me ' Stop breastfeeding already?' If i stop already, she plan to get my baby to sleep at her house. Im like thinking,,what? i told her u wait long long..maybe 2 yrs time..then she told me 'Quick la ur milk finish so i can be with my niece all to myself'..until now im so pissed at her.
When i complain to my hb, he side with his family big time. He said im being realyy donno la..
Zinta, for what does ur SIL want to hog ur baby for?! She's so weird... Not grandchild also so possessive... But looking at my own SIL, can't help but wonder if mine isn't the same like urs...

My SIL isn't as bad as my MIL, at least she won't harp abt my bf. But then, try having an audience while you are bfding... I used to lock my door when I bf, but my MIL banged on it so much that I couldn't tahan, so in the end, I gave up locking it cos the banging scares the baby. No use arguing I need my privacy, cos the reasoning just cannot reach her. Worse, she will say I waste time bfding, and all her children grew up well on fm, so I am simply wasting time...

As for my SIL, she's 28 this yr, not married, not attached. She treats my girl like a toy! When I am busy, I am grateful for her help in playing with her, but then, imagine my chagrin and irritation when it was 12am at night and she is still whistling and telling my girl to hi 5! It is esp annoying when I just succeeded in calming baby down and putting her to bed then along she comes to say "baby, shake hand!" Duh...
To my SIL, the baby is like a baby she wanna feed, look after and i also remember when my baby was still a newborn, she will come to my place and wake her up so that she can hold her. I was so angry with her back newborns usually needs to sleep quite long. She said she came to my place to see the baby so she wants the baby to be awake..even until today, when she comes to my house if the baby is sleeping she goes to the cot and touch my baby's hair and she will wake up already..very irritating! I cant wait for her to get married (not even attached), and then i wanna go to her house and do the same thing to her! Especially on breastfeeding, i intend to tell her to use FM instead if she is breastfeeding. Just wanna let her feel what i felt..
hiyee everyone, i've learnt a trick to deal with annoying people w/o offending them. whenever they raised a stupid topic or say things w/o going thru their brain, i'll act as if i didnt hear them. and if they are thick-skined enough to repeat the same statement, i'll look to one side and grin...then continue to ignore them..

I alws react to my MIL's hurtful remarks with this act all the time and it alws shut her up. even to senseless relatives, i'll also use this method.

U see, so long as u never say anything, you will nv hurt or offend anyone. Usually , arguments and conflicts arise because of words.. so, just keep quiet and ignore the senseless remarks.

actually, next time if someone wants to hog your baby, just tell them that the last time they did that or played with baby for too long or till too late, your baby ended up crying thru the night and was cranky the next day. u gently tell them that u did not sleep for 2 days because of that..then tell them jokingly that if they want to 'disturb' your baby, then they will have to take over the night shift so that u can rest. usually they'll say irresponsible things like 'your baby , you should take care yourself"...then u can rebutt by saying, "ya correct, it's my baby, ok i'll need to take care of her myself...then say that you need to go and bf or change her diapers ...just find an excuse to move away with your baby. even the dumbest person will get the hint.

Better u take charge , then let them rule over you and your baby. after all, you wouldnt want your baby to be carried too often, else they will want to be carried when they get older, say 5 mths plus..then u will get it big time. Be firm to your in-laws but dun say things that will affect your future r/'s not worth it.

Dun bother complaining to your hubby coz they tend to side their family and feel that you are too sensitive...etc.. leave a good impression and act cool. this way, those annoying characters will have to think twice b4 they say stupid things.

As for BF topics, just tell the in-laws that it helps to reduce asthma and eczema in future and stop at that. To prevent anyone from feeding your baby with FM, just lock it up if u already bot a tin and make sure nobody can find it. if they ask, just repeat that BM is better. if they buy FM , just lock it up again. if they question u, just repeat the same story. Be persistent ...nobody will dare to quarrel with a new mother, esp. someone having confinement. All u have to do if they raise their voice at you is to's your ultimate weapon but dun do it too often, else will lose it's power.
my baby is already 10 mths old now. been thru a few unpleasant episodes with relatives and in-laws. the ignoring act worked for me most of the time. the hogging baby situation happened to me a few times and i was v exhausted coz baby didnt sleep at night, thats why i decided to put a stop to it.
as for BF, it was my mum rather than MIL who discouraged me,,so i kept/locked up my FM in order to stop her from feeding baby with FM. MIL was just the opposite, was obsessed with BF,,wanted me to BF all the time,,so i was stresed out by these 2 women.

as for hubby, altho he will try his best to defend me when his mum tries to find fault with me, he doesnt like it when i complain to him abt his family. so, i guess i got to give and take. cant have the best of both worlds. actually, if i am in his shoes, i think i also wont like to hear pple complaining abt my own family
Hi mummies
i staying with MIL as she is primary care giver for my 8mth old boy.

my boy is equally close to MIL, SIL, hubby & I. Duno shd i feel happy or sad (that i'm not above the rest). but anyhow, i still do my part after work like bathing, feeding and accompanying my boy to sleep

however, the annoying part is i felt that my MIL is spoiling my baby. She won't even allow him to make a single noise. If she hear a bit of noise fm my son (not even crying), she will rush out of the kitchen to her grand son and say "u angry ar.. ah ma carry you ok!"

wow i was fumming mad as i was just beside my boy. will this set a negative impression on my boy "that mummy ignore me but grandma will be the one responding to me??"

i am really worried about disciplining my son. i forsee my son will be spoilt brat if she continue to carry him over minor things.

my hubby told her off a few times but she alway say BB still young, not understand.

anyone in the same situation?
Hi Gitz, guess probably all of us facing some aspects of the same situation... Like I mentioned in my previous posts, my MIL is possessive and likes to criticize me. Many times, when all of us are ard, she will lecture us on how we should not spoil baby, it's ok if she cries, dun make it a habit to carry her if not she will get accustomed to it, etc. Imagine how angry I was when initially, I followed her orders, merely looked at my girl from far when she started crying (well, she just had her milk so she wasn't hungry) and my MIL came running in, scooped her up and said that I am a bad mommy, dun want her, only look from far, dun even want to hold her!

When I asked her abt it later, she had the nerve to say that I must use my brains and decide when to carry and when not to! Since she already judged that I have got 'no brains', whenever baby starts to act up, I for sure will go to the cot to see what's happening, and guess what? She will physically PULL ME BACK so that baby will not see me near the bed. And if baby cries, she will then go croon to my baby or reluctantly let me go carry her.

Frankly, no matter how young baby is, I think they know who is carrying them. My girl 3 months old now, so I die die also want to care for her myself and shift back. I got 2 more months before I need to report back for work... Sigh... Dreading that day!
hi Tang Siow Leng, my situation is the total opposite of you..for the BF part.
my MIL is obsessed with BF and during my confirnement, everytime the baby cries, she ll ask me to go BF.
after 3 weeks of doing so, i got very tired for baby wants a feed every 1-2 hrs n take ard 30-an hr time each session.

so i decide to express so my husband can help me to feed when he come back to work but MIL kept on saying feed direct lah, so much faster. since im at her hse w/o my husband during the day n 1st child so i did as per what she suggested but the whole process was really getting to me.

so when we moved back to our own hse, i expressed almost exclusively and whenever she popped by to help out, she ll look on disapprovingly and i heard her mentioned that to my FIL/SIL on more than one occasions.

in the end, i weaned my baby to FM from 1 1/2 mth cos i really cant stand the hassle of BM. she was on my back whenever she has the chance, saying how BM is good n everything.

and whenever baby cries, it can ONLY be that he's hungry! she will ask me everytime if baby needs a feed even though his last FM feed is only 1-2 hrs ago. i think she tot that FM is easily digestible as BM. so i tried to tell her we feed every3-4 hrs and she ll always comment that babies cant feed according to time must be on demand.

i go agree with her but there was one occasion where hubby + me feed too closely n baby viomit almost the whole bottle contents n scared us so much. so since then we try to feed on a regular basis, spacing out the feeds. and so far so good.

but when she here to help out during the day (w/o hubby';s presence). she ll always ask me go prepare milk the moment baby cries. i tried to tell her he mayb b fussy cos he want to sleep or maybe poo poo or hot. but so long i cant sooth him, she ll conclude its hunger despite the timing not yet reached.

my baby is 3 mths next week and is feeding ard 800-900ml per day, which is quite okie for his 6.5kg i feel. but she kept on asking can we increase the per feed volume!!

she never saw the voimitting episode so she dont know n even aft we told her, she'll say every baby different cannot always follow books. but, FM takes longer to digest is a fact and if you feed too closely like 2 hrs+ will lead to indigestion + colic.

like that time my baby cries 2 hrs 15mins after his last feed, my mIL + FIL conclude he';s hungey n both kept on urging me to prepare milk. my hubby not ard so i not in a good position to i prepare the feed which is like 170ml (normally baby takes ard 3 1/2 - 4 hrs apart to feed).
n guess what? the very evening he got colic n cried non-stop for 2 hrs+. broke my heart hearing him cry. n my in laws, they just go home not knowing what they done. when we told them abt the episode (which ended aft we gave baby gripe water + apply ru yi oil), MIL seems against the gripe water + oil. asking is it good to be giving baby such things! i mean, when baby got colic if you dont give such remedies, you expect the baby to cry the course out. i was fuming inside as i feel its her fault that baby got colic cos she feed too much yet she still want to complain abt how we handle the colic situation!

till today, she still chided us for giving milk to baby on a schedule. saying each baby is different. yes i know that but my baby is not fussy after feeds why should i increase?

and my baby has started sleeping thru the night like abt 11+ pm to abt 5am with me waking up ard 2-3am to pat him back to sleep should he make any noise.
i mean, if he's hungry he wont be easily soothed back to sleep by me right?
but my mIL was not v happy with him no feeding for such an extended period. but if a baby drink enough during the day, they wont wake up at night right?

also i think my baby is feeding well as his weight gain is steady.
im getting impatient with my MIL and also worried how will she feed when she come n take care of baby when i go back to work next week.
will she overfeed him?

also, she find it hard to trust what i said. she must need to verify with her other children who are parents too. she kept on telling me my SIL/BIL feed their children on demand n its okie to increase as baby grow
i know its logical to increase feed as baby grow but must do it as per the baby wishes right? he;ll cue us when he's ready for more feed right?

it just doesnt help to explain to her this when she sees baby crying as hunger only. so sometimes after feed, baby will fuss n she ll declare its not enough milk. but 1 fuss session out of 6 feeding sessions per day doesnt mean he's not getting enough milk right?

sigh, i only hope she ll feed him 3 times on 3-4 hrs basis as per what we told her. i trying to turn a deaf ear to what she has to say on the feeding. so long my baby is feeding right n healthy, i try to ignore her rubbish comments.
Oh Wenhui, I can understand how you feel! Our MILs are exactly the same kind, just that they fuss over different kinds of milk...

You know, my MIL also base her understanding of bringing up children on others' experiences and whatever I have learnt from books, forums and even doctors are supposed to be just crap. Imagine how I was fuming when I told her that it's ok for babies to hiccup once in a while (according to my PD, my girl's lungs are developing and that's why she suddenly started hiccuping frequently ard 1-2 mths). But my MIL will scold me and insists that I feed her water, even right after she just finished an entire bottle of FM!

After an incident whereby my girl threw up, she consulted this nanny who told her that 150ml is TOO MUCH for a 3 mth old, and that we must feed her every 3 hourly at only 120ml only. Aiyo, my heart breaks every time she cries when she was hungry 'cos the milk was not enough! She will start wailing abt 2 1/2 hrs and imagine how she will carry on cos my MIL strictly forbade me to feed her!

To make matters worse, now that she is reaching 5 mths, her milk intake slowly increases but I dare not feed her too much suddenly and my MIL, with her bright ideas, concluded that shortening the feeding intervals will do the trick, and quickly run to make FM the moment she cries... So other than bearing with the heartache of hearing her cry, my heart also ache when I see the bottles of unfinished FM... cos it's quite ex ;p And the most ultimate? My girl most probably takes after me cos I dun drink much water (yeah, bad habit...) and to tempt/force/coerce my girl to drink water, my MIL adds FM to the water (no doubt diluted) to feed her. Help......

And when it comes to water, that's another issue 'cos my MIL insisted on enlarging the hole of the bottle teats so my girl can suck more comfortably. Milk is thicker so it's ok, but water gushes out more quickly and my girl chokes every time she feeds her!

Luckily, I figured out that my girl can control her own sucking and swallowing so it's ok to simply tilt the whole bottle and pull out the entire bottle when she stops to rest and breathe. My MIL, however, leaves the teat in her mouth and will even only tilt the bottle slightly while my girl is sucking. Imagine her sucking water then suddenly the teat is shifted away so she sucks in air! My god, my girl will choke 5 -6 times during the 5 min she feed her water and worst case scenario was she threw up all the water plus milk she drank earlier, and I have to change her... cos apparently, I OVERFED her again so she is too full.

I tried telling her that it's ok to insert the teat and upend the whole bottle rather than tilt it 30 degrees so she suck both air and water. My MIL was furious when she heard that, blaming me for trying to choke my girl cos' u crazy ah! I feed she already choke, you tilt the bottle like that she will drown!' Imagine my triumph when my SIL actually spoke up and say that my girl chokes less or even dun choke at all when I fed her. Phew! After my MIL grudgingly watched me feed her water once, and my girl didn't choke, she now goes abt telling my FIL and hubby the 'correct' way of feeding and even questions me 'oiy! you must tilt the bottle ok! You want her to choke ah? She cannot suck in air hor! Do you know how to feed or not???"

Wa... seriously, I dunno if I should cry or laugh...
I am a teacher ! And my mil hogs my son too. My in laws used to stay with us but they moved out after my boy is about 1 mth old. She was supposed to help me do my confinement and during the last week of the confinement, she MIA and went to her new place to stay. According to my hb, she went over to her new place to stay because there were people making deliveries for the furniture and electrical appliances to her house. She didnt even inform me and I had to go hungry in the afternoon. This continue for about a week. I even have to help my BIL and FIL wash their clothes. They dun even bother to dump their clothes into the washing machine and what they did was the pile the clothes in the toilet. My only meal of the day will be the dinner that my hb tapao for me.

Even though she has moved out of my place after my bb is 1 mth old, she sometimes comes to my house 2 times a day during my maternity leave. My boy can be very difficult at night and usually by the morning, he is very tired. And when my MIL sees the baby sleeping beside me in the morning, she will wake him up by touching his head and calling his name.

My MIL will also tell my hb and I to let my bb sleep over at her place so that I can have a chance to rest. I know this woman very well. She doesnt give a hoot about me. She just wants to have the baby to herself.

There was once I brought my boy to my parents' place when he is about 2 mths old. And when I came back at around 8 plus, my MIL and FIL is already waiting in the living room. My MIL was disappointed to see him sleeping and attempted to wake him up and by touching him all over. And when my MIL feeds my son, half of the time, my poor bb will be sucking it air.She says that she doesnt want the bb to choke. Haiz.

My mum is taking care of my bb now and I feel much happier. Even though I only get to see my son over the weekends, I feel assured that my son is in good hands and my mum wont try to snatch my son away from me.
Hi Chelsea, my maternity leave ended yesterday so now I'm back to staying with my in laws while I go to school. Miss my girl like crazy during the first few hrs, and now, wondering how they are faring at home...

I'm so worried cos my girl has started kicking while I bathe her, really worried my MIL cannot catch her in time... Sigh.

Just yesterday, she took my girl out for a spin in the car without my knowledge. Imagine me getting home to realize that she is gone! And it wasn't the first time anyway. And then, she also blamed me for causing the heat rash on my girl's neck. She was the one who insisted I bathe my girl's front first, then the back, and now she is saying that the bath water will flow towards her chest via the neck when I turn her around. I explained she wanted me to do that (hey, I got it on video!) but she vehemently denies EVERYTHING. Everytime after bathing sure I apply powder to keep her cool and dry, I'm her mother after all, how can I bear to put her thru the pain and itchiness right?

I'm simply too tired to be angry already... Sigh.
Hi Siow Leng

I don't know if it is a blessing that my MIL rejected to take care of my baby or not. Between a MIL and a maid, I would rather my boy get closer to my MIL. If my boy misbehaves, I would rather my MIL discipline him versus my maid.

It is quite an irony that my MIL who is an experienced bbsitter, did not bbsit her own son's son. She is now taking care of her daughter's daughter. I envy my gfs whom kids are carefully taken care of by their MILs. It is preferable to entrust my bb to a relative than a total stranger. Although it is said that if you treat your maid well and she is happy, she would return in kind for your child but who can guarantee that?

I'm also hurt and angry that why my son deserves less from my MIL vis-a-vis my hubby's niece...
Pardon me. This is going to be a long post.

My hb is not comfortable with letting his mum take care of my bb because she has parkinson. So my hb suggested to let my mum take care of him for 5 days. I said okie.

After 2 weeks of letting my mum take care of the bb, my hb said that he wants to let his mum take care for 1 day and my mum 4 days. My mum stays in town. Its very inconvenient for my hb to drive down to see the bb due to the jam. On the other hand, his mum stays near us. I said ok. My mum works part time from 8 to 11am. While she is working, I hired a trusted neighbour who used to work in infant care to look after my boy when my mum was away. I agreed to my hb's request because since his mum stays near us, we can bring him home at night. Meanwhile I continue to pay the babysitter the same pay though she is now caring for my bb for only 4 days.

A couple of weeks ago, my ILs went to my mum's place without informing my hb and I. They choose to go on the Thursday because I think they knew that my hb and I will not be there to see our bb. My ILs asked my mum to persuade my hb and me to let her take care of my bb. She was the one who said that she is not confident of taking care of my bb for 5 days. And now she wants the bb for 5 days! I was so angry with my ILs that I almost went up to their place for a confrontation. I had a fight with my hubby and the DIVORCE word came out.

I had problems with my MIL way before this. On my wedding day, because of a small misunderstanding, she showed my relatives a black face and she refused to shake hands with anyone from my side. After the dinner, my BIL even scolded me for 'bullying' my hb. The reason? Because I did not help my hb to do stuff like ironing his clothes. My BIL is not a teacher so he doesnt know what kind of life do we lead. I am not angry with them now. But their behaviour on my wedding day clearly shows that my hb's family is not easy to get along with.

And this week due to our work committments, my hb and I decided to place the bb with my mum for 5 days. My bb cried when my MIL carried him. I know that my bb may not be used to her cuz he did not see her for 5 days. Just now, my bb almost choke when he cried because he was sleeping and my MIL woke him up though she knew that my bb was running a slight fever. She almost want to bring him downstairs for a walk! It broke my heart to see my bb crying like this and I wanted to carry my bb to pacify him first before letting my MIL carries him again, she refused. And after that, my bb cried even harder. Haiz. Sometimes I really wish I am a single mom. Then I wouldnt have to deal with all these baby issues.

Hey Sandra, you want to add me on MSN? My addy is [email protected]. We can form a support group then. Hahaha
Same!Sandra, my MIL also insists that bb cannot go hungry and my bb is also getting 3 hrly feeds at 160ml... There are times when my girl can obviously drink more than that in the morning when she wakes up. I dun understand why she dun increase the volume and stretch out the feeding times???

I also feel lucky that my girl has doting grandparents to look after her, but it really gets on my nerves when bb becomes almost like theirs instead of mine! After one hard day at work, I only want to come home to see my bb happy and healthy. However, I also have to take a queue no. to even carry her! First, I have to go wash my feet upon entering the house, then, I have to go change. And when all that is done, there will be instances whereby my MIL is changing her diapers, feeding her (no, you cannot feed, you haven't bathe yet, you're dirty!). And that's not all. There already have been several ocassions when I purposely brought all my marking home to be with my bb early, so to reach home and discover my ILs took her out shopping without letting me or my hb know.

These few days, my bb is turning into a koala bear cos my MIL simply doesn't put her down. When I want to carry her, she will clutch bb even tighter to her chest. For what?!! The best part? She will turn bb away from me, as if I cannot see bb then I won't want to carry her or will forget abt the entire incident??? I told my hb she has got the ostrich syndrome... Cannot see enemies means enemies cannot see her...

I guess I am more devious... I compare her to my mom, and wonder why she cannot be like that... At times when it gets so bad, I actually wonder if everything will be better if I am dead or if she is dead... Sigh... Like that no need to fight anymore...
Ever tot of quitting job and look after kids ourselves?

I wish I could but its still just a wish for now..

I believe no matter is our mum or his mum looking after the baby .. we (the baby's mum) will sure have some conflicts/ jealousy.. but come to thiking we might not have a choice either.. cos if we quit job.. humm income would be affected.. so think on the brighter side.. at least MIL is more reliable then abusive maids ..

I was taken care by my nanny since young but that doesn't mean I am not close to my parents
I am glad I found this thread..and seems like I am not alone...
Just would like to pour my "sorrow" here.. I am another feeling jealous and moody mum..

My baby is 1 yr old now and is taken care by my mum when I returned to work.

During my maternity leave, my baby is very attached to me. Sometimes to the extend that only when I carry, he will stop crying. Even my mum carries him, he will still cry. However, things change after I retured to work force. Now, whenever he sees my mum, he will be so excited and stretch his whole body to my mum. If I try to resist him, he will cry. This really upset me a lot. I know my mum loves my boy very much and I am really very very grateful to her for helping me as I am a first time mum and really have no experience. But later, I find she gets a bit possessive (I think). Like after work, when I wanna fetch my baby home, she will find lots of excuse to keep the baby there. I didn't want to make her unhappy so usually I will keep quiet. And sometimes, weekends, she will turn up at my house and again, baby stick to her.. I am really very upset. I find that I already have very little time with my baby and he is already preferring my mum to me (very obvious).

some pple told me eventually when babies grow older, they will prefer mummies. But my boy is 1 yr old liao.
I have been feeling upset for about 6mths liao.

For mummies whose babies used to prefer their grandma, but eventually mummies, when will tad happen?

I am so so so upset whenever I see my baby reach out to my mum even though I am carrying him. Sometimes, I even tot tad after weekend (when I take care of him for longer time), he wont stick to my mum tad much but I am totally wrong, when he sees my mum, he will still click to her.

Yes, I am very grateful to my mum for all her help but I really can't help developing this sour or jealousy feeling. I have always wanted my baby to be close to me and my hubby but it turns out to be totally different..It hurts and I have been crying over it every now and then...

If ur MIL really did that on purpose, I think she is really a Montress.. and so disgusting!
I am really happy tad ur boy prefers u now but for me, I really have no confidence tad my baby will prefer me. He is already 1 yr old and still stick to my mum like nobody's business...
Dear mummies,

Just to share my experience...

It is natural for baby to stick to his caregiver when mummy go out to work. It is also healthy for baby to find trust in others beside parents, including MIL. But it is not healthy for MIL to play the 'see baby don't want mummy game'. I was a weekend mummy when I had my son. He slept over with MIL and don't follow us home. During wkend, MIL insist on following us back home. I can't do much cos baby don't stick to me.

After I have my 2nd baby, I told my hb I want to take care of baby myself until I go back to work. My MIL still look after my son who is 3 yr old now. But bcos I spent more time with both children during my maternity leave, I bond with both baby and elder son.

The moral of the story is - whatever happening to temporary. Children are babies for a very short while. I changed my job to a less demanding one so that I can spend more time and energy to nurture them. I know I can't be SAHM, but I want my children to know when they need mummy, I will be there for them. Now, I have 2 children who will 'fight over' me when I go home after work. I think we should work as a team with our MIL or nannny or whoever helping us. sometimes conflict cannot be avoided. unless we choose to be SAHM or send them to infantcare or childcare, we have to 'close one eye' and endure for the benefit of our babies.

This is a dilema that all FTWM have to learn from when we have made our chioce. Ganbatte!!
It's been a couple of months since I started this thread, and I am still feeling the same way! My bb is not 6 mths old and the fact that I have started going back to work only make matters worse.

Every evening when I get home, I have to endure endless gloating sessions of 'see? when I carry her, she don't cry', 'she likes me la', 'she love por por the most' and the worst? ' Aiya, you don't know how to take care of her one la, she don't like you what!'

Sigh... It so got on my nerves that I actually retaliated several times by mimicking her and saying 'aiyo, por por dun know how to put on diaper for you, poor thing!' But end of the day, it is so petty and mindless... Argh!

I am so looking forward to the day when my bb will love me back as much as I love her...
Siow Leng,

Now that ur baby is older, u can try singing a certain song, reading a certain book or some other activities that baby will enjoy (sometin ur MIL can't do?). baby will start to associate the activity with u n look for u. babies love repetition & connections. happy bonding time...
Dear Mummies,

My elder gal also used to cry when coming home and is very attached to my mil and will cry when I carry her. I am also very heart-broken but still, I can only hide my feelings and carry on to bring her home every night. I also had the same sad feelings as u all and would cry sometimes. Things only changed when she was 1 yr plus, when she started to talk and walk then she's more willing to come home. She's now 2.5 yrs and now she will come home happily almost every night and at least does not resist to me anymore.I think dey will know who is their mummy when dey grow older and starting to understand things. So dun worry too much now and juz hope dey grow older faster so that dey noe who u are.
Hi All,
It's so familiar to read all these situations... my MIL is also the primary caregiver (Mon - Thurs, Fri my mother) and I do admit that her care has been good except she sometimes will show stunts like yours did. I bring bb home ever night and plus wkends and I'm still number 3! After the grandparents! Worst, my FIL is also working and has very little time with her....think bb really thinks Grandparents are her parents....sob sob....

MY FIL also ask my bb to call my MIL ma4 ma4 though I already confirm with Her that I can ask bb to call her Por Por and been teaching her that... MY MIL will ask my bb to call my mother Por Por when I told her it should be Wai Po!
THEY ignore my efforts to differentiate and teach the way they want.

They also always like to test my bb... see whether she jealous when MIL carries another bb, see whether she cries when MIL leaves or will she follow us when we want to leave... Arghhh....
So angry!! After 1 year, still learning to Close 2 eyes when I'm at her place.

Can't imagine how my bb will be treated when my SIL also leaves her newborn with my MIL this May. Am planning to let my mother be the primary caregiver but no one dares to break the news to the possessive grandparents!

Sometimes, to bond, I would let bb sleeps with us in bed though i know this is definitely not right... but really just want to hold on to her more and want her to be close to me... us....
Agree with Jes. I also went through that phase and am glad it is 'over'. when my son was 8mth+, my MIL left him with me for the 1st time since he was born and he cried non-stop. I didn't know whether to put him down or prepare milk for him. end up sitting at the door wait for them to come home. I told myself i won't let this happen again!


my son also call MIL 'ma ma' and call me 'mummy'. I don't think they will be mixed up. you may want to show some picture books on family to your bb. they usually have pictures of mummy, daddy, grandma, grandpa, brother & sister etc. show them family photo also can.
What is wrong with baby preferring grandma vs mummy?

Isn't it reassuring to know that your baby has the care of a family member, then left entirely to maids or full day babycare?

I am very thankful to my parents for helping me look after my 2 to my kids being closer to grandparents, I have no issue at all.

I make it a point to spend 100% of time with them in the evenings when I am home from work, and also on weekends...

If you want to be a FTWM, some things got to give and take...
Fairyprincess , the main point is not our baby being closer with grandma, but being closer with our MIL, especially an unreasonable one. Our mums will more likely to look after our interest,and it'll be easier to tell our mother if there are any points or areas which we are unhappy with. That applies to also maids and full time babycare.

But if you have an unreasonable or possessive ILs, what can you do? We cannot tell any unhappiness directly to our ILs if we want to maintain coordial relationship, and if hubby is unsupportive or thinks we are over-sensitive, this avenue of voicing out through hubby is also not workable.

You are lucky to have your parents helping. Mine couldn't as they are still working, and I have to rely on my ILs. Initially, before i give birth, my relationship with them were pretty coordial and I thought it won't be a problem having them help me look after baby during my maternity leave and when i go back to work. But when baby is out, and physical realities set in, that's when you see all the problems manifest.

In my case, during my maternity leave period my MIL came over in the daytime to help, i hardly had the chance to even hold my baby. She monopolises him and when i tried to carry, after just 5 mins, she'll insist that I go rest or that I go do my things and shoo me away. And same thing with the bfing issues. She'll give comments like my bf not enough, why take so long to suck, or other remarks that adds pressure to my bfing session. My house had also became like a showflat with my ILs, my SIL and my husband's nieces walking in and out as when they like , WITHOUT even informing they are coming, as my ILs have the key. From there, my breasts also became public property where my MIL, SIL and the nieces all observing the bfing session.

Even when it's weekends, would still have to go back to my ILs place for dinner where my ILs, SILS, nieces will take turns monopolising my baby. I can say that the only time i can get to be with him when he's practically half asleep and they have to reluctantly let him go home.

Post maternity leave, my ILs insist on bathing my bb themselves as he will catch cold if we bath so early. So every morning, my hubby and I will ferry a sleeping baby to my ILs place, and when we go back to pick him up, my MIL would have just bathed him and it'll be his cue to sleep. Then dear ILS and SILs will still be monopolising his attention while my MIL insist we go eat dinner. By the time we finish, my baby's half asleep. So our home ended up being the overnight hotel, and we ended up being only the chauffeurs carrying my son up and down while he's asleep. By the 3rd day, my baby do not even respond to my husband and I when we reach our ILs place to pick him up. It's so sad and hurting to see the baby you carried for 9 months in your womb and suffered the pains of childbirth not even responding to you.

There are other issues which i have to deal with under the hands of my ILs , from veiled insults of my family about not caring about my baby ( while they are actually still working and can't visit as often as them), to feeding amulet water and other superstitious rubbish like not allowing to cut nails at night etc and then my boy ended up doing criss-crosses on his face from his long fingernails.

Frankly, sometimes , i would rather wish i can leave my baby with a maid or a caregiver. You can always change them if you are unhappy with them. But you can't change your ILs,and if husband is not supportive, and financially I'm not able to be a SAHM, can only endure and endure and close 2 eyes and 2 ears and maximise whatever leftover time allocated to me, to bond with bb.
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Have a good weekend!