Baby prefers grandma, not me


New Member
Hi, any mommies out there with similar experience? I am grateful for my FIL's help in taking care of my baby, but it seems that my baby is getting more attached to her than me. I've read that babies bond naturally with their mum, but she continues to cry when I carry her, but once my FIL takes over, she calms down COMPLETELY and even sleeps right away. To make matters worse, when she hears my baby cry, she will tell her 'mommy is coming, if you don't stop, I will let her carry you'.

I feel so rejected now, how can I tell her nicely that I already feel rejected enough, and that she is making me feel worse?

Hi Siow Leng,

Usually I will talk to my hubby first anything that I not happy with, especially when come to his parents, he must be the one that deal with them... and not me!

If I in such situation that you mentioned, I will want my hubby to tell her that, "Mum! How can u say this to my gal?! If I say this when she cry,"Grandma is coming, if you don't stop, I will let her carry you", then how will u feel abt it? Will u feel sad? It is wrong to say this to baby and the way u said just now, is really sound like a monster is coming to catch her, if she dont stop crying, then u will let the monster eat her! Her mum already feel so sad that baby dont want her carry, and if u still saying like that, she will feel worse!
Hi Siow Leng,
I can understand how you feel, I have gone through this as well. Years back, my son was taken care by my in law, he also preferred my in law to carry him, wouldn't drink milk when I carried him and cried when I brought him home.
I was very upset then and even thought of resigning to be a SAHM. But things got better when my boy is older, I made it a pt to bring him to the playgrd everyday, so he looked forward to mummy comming home. We do lots of fun things together when I am home. There were times when I had to leave my boy with my in law for the night and he will start to cry.

I think its quite natural for baby to be mor attached to whoever takes care of him. But you must continue to try and bond, its ok if the baby cires, eventually baby will get used to mummy's style of carrying. Have to toy with you to distract attention. Spend as much time as you can with the baby.
Thanks for sharing!

Geyser, I told my hubby yesterday and trust him to say it is 'cos I smell better than from my confinement period... So my girl don't recognise me now that I get to bathe and use perfume... And the kicker? That his mom has got BO, so baby thinks she is me... Waaa.... Seriously don't know whether to laugh or cry... haha...

But end of the day, i get to bf her, so it was some quality time together with my baby... And wahwah, I will try to bond as much as possible. I'm a teacher, so thankful the hols are coming... still got 1 more mth maternity which i am clearing come Jan 08... hope by then my girl will stick to me like glue... haha...
Tang Siow Leng-I was just feeling despondent about this matter too, I feel I am 2nd choice to my boy, if he sees my MIL, automatically he will 'throw' himself at her. Yes he will still want me carry if my MIL not around but nowadays I can feel he is getting more attached to her coz he no longer 'throw' himself at me anymore. The more I think, the more sad I feel but I know my MIL dotes him and she is the primary caregiver but the feeling is like.... haiz.
Siow Leng

I used to be in the same situation too. Cannot assume baby bonds naturally with mommy. Even if I didn't use any perfume, baby didn't want me. She cried whenever I tried to carry her. Didn't help that I was a weekend mommy & needed to work on some weekends too

First year bonding is very important. I felt I totally missed her first year. I was ranked number 5, after her grandparents, daddy & even uncle! I quit my job to stay home with her when she was 14 months old. Took me almost 2 year to be ranked number 1 again in her heart

I take care of 2nd child personally. I am her favourite person, ranked number 1. Others start from position 4. No one even comes close to upstaging me

Forget about quality time, it's quantity that matters
Hi Siow Leng
can't say that i understand cos i am a daddy and i am content to be no 2.. haha...

first thing first... grandma was a bit insensitive to say that... maybe she meant something else... anyway, get hubby to clarify and alert her to that...

another thing to try... leave a piece of your clothing... worn the day before with baby, in her cot... so that she subconsciously gets used to your smell...

your MIL could also be carrying baby in a certain manner which is different from you... observe and learn...

end of the day, don't worry and try not to be jealous... when baby grows up, she will know who mummy is ... and in the meantime, be glad that she is comfy with her granny... better than baby suffer separation anxiety everytime you have to leave her at a babysitter or care-givers.
Ozzie-I also tell that to myself, BB closer to my MIL better than an outsider but somehow I would feel better if BB wants me as much as MIL, somehow or rather can't helping feeling jealous lo. haha. haiz, nowadays this is making me moody.
another moody mummy here.... actually i don know what's my ranking.... but i didn't have any experience for looking after baby.... and i didn;t know how to carry baby also... and my husband and his sister very good at carrying and playing with baby.... so u can imagine how i feel right?? i only bath for my baby once ... he 2.5 months already... because MIL went market and baby poo.... so i finally have the chance...

i even hide myself in the toilet and cried for 1 hour when she said me "know how to give birth don know how to carry". i don know she purposely said this or not... but more than enough to hurt me...

and she would tell people i don know how to carry baby in front of me... there was a period that i felt very sad everyday.... now better liao cos my husand talked to her... and my husband asked me to carry him more... so sometimes when i carrying baby and i feel that she feel like carry also... i pretend don know and walk away... no choice... after i go back to work i can't carry so much already.... and i catch every chance to change for baby, feed baby, and insist to look after baby at night time... hope this help.... i really worry that my baby don know i am the mother....
WahWah methods also works for me. So you all may like to try.

My baby stay with in law so weekend then bring home. Everytime I visit her, I will bring her for a walk along the corridor without fail. Now, she don't see me in the evening, she will start making alot of noise. She will throw herself to me and reject all who try to carry her away from me including MIL and hubby. And when she see me carry other kids or babies, she will start to get jealous.
hwey hwey

For my first baby, I also don't know how to carry her, clean her poo, bathe for her...everything don't know. That's why leave everything to MIL & hubby....but big mistake! It's from all these cleaning poo that mommy bonds with the child because baby associates you as the primary caregiver

I carry my number 2 throughout her waking moment. Totally freak out MIL & my mom
Don't be so concerned & kept thinking 'I don't know'. Just do it, learn along the way, practice make perfect

can understand your sadness. I felt that too. What's the point of going through so much pain to give birth to my OWN baby but everyone else gets to enjoy her but me?? my action (quit to be SAHM) a little drastic but cannot take it liao, felt so deprived as a mommy, missed her first smile, first crawl, first everything
Yeah, I tell myself that having a doting grandma is way better than letting someone whom I am paying to look after her. But somehow, cannot erase the nagging feeling of jealousy... sigh...

In fact, my MIL is getting rather possessive of my baby. Yesterday, when my girl wanted milk, she straight away went to scoop formula, so I told her i wanted to bf. To which she asked rather loudly in front of my FIL if my milk is sufficient? How come baby always hungry? Felt so embarassed after that. Told her breast milk is easier to digest already so baby need to drink more... And even when I bottle feed my girl, she will rush to take over, tell me to go nap, to go bathe, to take dinner first...

I'm starting to feel rejected and deprived now... She told me not to bring baby out cos she's too young, and viola, home was empty when I got home yesterday cos she took baby to IMM... imagine how I feel.

Now I'm really looking forward to sch hols where I can be free. Will look after baby personally at my own home... Gonna play with her, feed her, bathe her, bring her for walks... sigh... really want to be no.1 for her....
I also facing same probs like some of u. To make things worse, my MIL will ask my son to call her "Ma(3) Ma(3)" when she knows i m asking my son to call me MaMa too. End results? my son is confused n refused to call me.
Further to tat, when I m preggie with #2, my MIL will tell my son tis "u notti, wait yr mama dun wan u wan didi" For this sentence I told my hb off n make sure he conveyed to his parents tat I treat my children equally and should I hear tis sentence again, I will make sure I quit my job 24 hrs n get my in laws outta my hse n never to let them see their grandchildren anymore.
My mother took care of kids since they were babies. She adores them, especially my girl. One day I heard my mother saying to my girl : "You stay with me lah. Your mommy don't know how to take care of you."

I am not mad lah. I am grateful enough that my mother helps to look after my kids, otherwise I will not be able to go out to work.

When my kids were babies, they were very attached to my mother. But now that they are 3/4 years old, they prefer me to my mother. They find my mother too controlling. Don't worry too much. When your kids are older, they will know who is their mommy.
hope4miracle-when evening I go back, my boy will want me carry but when he sees my MIL he will want her to carry also, why like that ler? haiz. I don't think I'm being sensitive but he seems to be getting more attached to my MIL than to me now.
mylvera- i do not think your MIL say that on purpose. its just like when we were young, we were often told to behave else policemen will catch. Thats not true too. I guess she only meant to ask your kid not to be notti
she just did not do it in the right way. For you to say to your hubby that you want them out of your house is too harsh i feel. You MUST remember. They are your hubby's parents. How would you feel if in future your DIL ask your son to tell you that she will get you out of HER house IF you do this and that. Do be fair to them. Ultimately, they are the ones who are the primary caregivers. Taking care of kids is not an easy task. Do give them credits.

I agree with hippo totally. Its QUANTIY not QUALITY when it comes to kids
I am lucky or should I say, I am hardworking? hahaha.. i work daytime. My son is with MIL daytime. I bring my son home daily. My routine with him : bring him down for walk once i finish dinner at InLaw's place. than bring him home. play with him on bed, put him to sleep. play with him in the morning before gg to IL's place. weekends he is home. bring him out shopping and whatsnot. My son clings on to me lor. i think he associate me with 'fun'. cos always bring him out mah.. normally if he see me changed into outdoor outfit, he will cling on to me tight tight. i think cos he is afriad that i will go out shopping/fun without him!
Clarissa-I do the same things also, I bring him to and fro every morning and night, played with him whenever I can but still he seems to be more attached to my MIL, I believe my MIL plays with him a lot too and so he can't associate the word 'fun' with me alone. During weekends definitely afternoon or evening time will still go over MIL place. I don't know what to do but feel I am 2nd choice to my boy now and it's depressing me. He used to want me a lot even when my MIL around but recently he seems to want my MIL more, when I carry him, he will still want to go back to my MIL. I am his 1st choice only when MIL not ard.
myvera, me also had the same problem!! my MIL also asked my dd to call her 'mak4 mak4'.. made me super angry... coz it sounded so alike as 'ma ma'...
You can't change your MIL. So what I did was to ask my dd to call her 'nai nai' instead...

So now, my dd is so used to calling her nai nai.. and even though my MIL still insist on making it known that she's 'mak mak', my gal still calls her nai nai... haha..

I almost went into post-natal depression because of this. My MIL is forever carrying my dd, taking care of her, 'fighting' for my gal's attention. It was also so bad to the stage that my gal will cry whenever i carry her... was so sad!! and hubby simply cannot understand our maternity feelings!!....

What you can do is that 'force' urself to have more time ALONE with ur baby... play with him, sing with him, make funny faces, and just enjoy ur bonding time with him. Once you put in more more efforts, he will naturally prefer you over your MIL!!....
Presevere on!!...

Don't let the older folks bring u into thinking that a child will naturally want his mother, no matter what happens. If you do nothing, and dun make more more efforts to overcome your relationship between u and ur child over your MIL/son, ur son will stick to your MIL. Don't let that happen.
Spend more time, play with him, bring him to the park, sing song... just spend more efforts and it will pay off.
hippo, not i don want to bath for my baby, but she... don know how to say... don know whether i am a bit sensitive or what, i felt that she quite sad when i told her i already bath for my baby on sunday(the first and only time I bath for my baby)... i try to do everything myself but sometime when she really want to do it, i also cannot be too obvious to "fight" the job with her....

Siow Leng,
we have same problem.... my MIL doesn;t like breast feed, keep saying not full... plus my baby impatient.... sometimes couldn't latch on, so when my baby cry she will stop me from breast feed him. and my milk not a lot.... now my baby totally cannot latch on already, and i cannot pump also... only feed directly got milk, pump don i can;t breast feed anymore.... really very very sad.

after my confinement, i felt that she is waiting for me to have no more milk, cos when i breast feeding, she come and said, no more milk liao right? some people after 40 days no more milk...there was once when i breast feeding, she waiting for one hour and when i come out from my room, she immediately make FM for my baby....say not full...i told my husband, when i have next baby, if anyone try to stop me for breastfeeding, i will fan1 lian3.... i won't like this time always wait for her to go out then only try to braest feed, end up i got no milk and my baby don know how to latch on already.

i am a teacher also, still on leave, luckily she start working after 40 days, so now at least i can look after my baby.... only next year she will quit her job... i know she very good to me..... but canno because of that i everything also ok right??
hwey hwey and siow leng,

i'm a SAHM with a 10 month old baby MIL was also very discouraging and didn't like me to breast feed my baby.

After my delivery,she would keep asking me and her son"enough or not? see the breasts like not very big like that" I was hopping mad. She kept wanting to see me breastfeed but i everytime do it in privacy in my bedroom with baby(and she'l stil linger outside my door asking got milk or not) wah liao! That time, she stayed with us as she's my confinement lady. But I couldn't tahan after 3 weeks, so my 'confinement' was 3 weeks only. Thank god after she left, my milk increased cos i was less stressed since she's not around to bother me anymore. She went back to their house to stay.

I totally understand how u feel. If she immediately make milk for the baby, i think u need to tell her directly there's no need cos u got enough milk. Once my MIL evenretorted"enough meh?" i said u go ask your son, cos i know i WILL shout at her if i continue the conversation.My hubby explained again and again to her that breast size doesn't equal milk supply.

I stopped looking for jobs, c and even turned down some interviews which wanted to hire me, because I fear I will miss out on the crucial 1 yr bonding experience, and i'm also in denial *scared my MIL will psycho my child into thinking if u naughty, your ma ma don't want you anymore!" there was once my hubby and i left baby under their care just for trial for 1 day overnight, and when we came late, she said<" mama and papa don't want u liao lor" in a joking way, but i didn't take that too nicely. I kind of just told her off saying there's no need to say things like that.I think sometimes u have to make your stand quite clearly, and your husband must side you and help sway her to your side.

just my 2 cents worth.

I'm worried about all this again, cos now i think i may be expecting my second child since i've missed my period for 2 months :-(

I had planned to return to the workforce when bb is a yr old, but if i'm really pregnant with 2nd child, i don't know how.I definitley would get a maid i think, and ask my mum help jaga the maid.

She has not jz said tat sentence once but a few times. till the point i get fed up n told my hb off n ask him to tell them off. As my #1 is the first grandchild of the family, he is naturally the "King" of the entire clan. In order for him not to feel rejected as I m preg with his brother, I have tried many ways to make him "dotes" on his brother and at the same time still dotes on him.
During my 1st confinement, there was practically no confinement at all. I was in/out of hospital at least 3 times n all the confinement food that my FIL had prepared in advance was always being sent to my MIL's mother's hse. Reason being Por Por loves to eat the confinement food. When i underwent a Laparoscopic cholecystectomy surgery to remove my gallbladder, I was told not to carry my son even when I can remove my stitches. I had to ask the GP if I can carry my son infront of my MIL. GP was shocked n said tis "it is cruel to separate a mother n child". I would tend to term those days as "days in HELL."

The days in Hell was over... but I really fear that it would be back again during my 2nd confinement which is in Jan 08. However, I am fully prepared to go thro the confinement alone.

I went into depression aft my delivery too. Currently trying to make up to my son n thank goodness he doesn't dislike me except tat he still doesnt wana call me mama. hence i have to use hokkien n teach him to call me "ah Bu" lor. for that, he will gladly call me ... haiz.. wat to do? we have to work ard with obstacles
Sigh... so sad that all of us going through this, but also glad what we share same experience so got someone to understand how we feel. I think for our hubbies, they cannot relate as much and are content to play with the baby on and off only...

My MIL is not unsupportive of me bf cos she FINALLY read somewhere that breastmilk is good for bb. But her continual asking is so demoralizing, like 'u are the mother, how come u dun have milk? My friend's DIL just discharge from hospital can pump 60ml. How come yours only 20? U sure she suck got milk not?' Wa... felt so useless like I cannot even feed my own child. Now I don't care already, when my bb cries, I insist she latch on. Only the feed b4 her bedtime I give her formula so she can be more full and zzz till morning. Now my bb will look for me for her 'daily opium fix', like my sis in law calls it
My MIL continued to spoon formula, but I think she is slowly realizing bb can survive on my milk... cos she used to make 150ml... bb didn't drink much, now dropped to 100ml... hehe...

Sometimes really don't know if I should be grateful to my MIL or not. My CL once told me that when bb cries, no use to panic cos she will pick up the vibes and cry more. For my case, it was true. When I first started out, whenever I change her or bathe her, the more my hands shake or me feeling nervous, she really sensed it and cried more! So now, call me evil, but I realized it works better if I can be calm and soothing. She will calm down and stop crying soon. HOWEVER, all this backfires when my MIL is here. The moment bb cries only, she picks her up. When bb starts to fuss abit only when I change her, my MIL rushes in to take over, and cos she wants to be quick cos 'bb don't like wind la (ps: windows closed, fans off, air con off!)... aiyo sayang... don't cry don't cry... mummy stupid hor, make you cry...', my bb goes from whine to full scale wailing. Sigh... Sometimes, she so panicky, she forgot to wipe my bb's bum after poo, she put on the new diaper...

These couple of days, the moment I hit home, I straight away go and play with my girl, carry her... hope it is working... My MIL is going to Genting for Deepavali till Sunday... Hurray!!!
Siow Leng,
so envy u still can breast feed... i totally cannot already....

i know my MIL very good to me, but she really "snatch away" my breast feed chances. During my confinement, she want me to eat immediately after she cook because she said confinement time must eat hot food, and when i eat she feed my son, then after that she keep asking me to sleep, if i don she will nag, so i missed the "tea time" meal, the dinner the same thing happen. so i could only tried on about 8pm, but sometimes my baby couldn;t latch on and cry, then the last meal she said must drink FM so baby will be full. the next morning she would say after bath better drink something warm and not from fridge. so during cinfinement i can only pump out. that time i still can pump out about 100-130ml.... now cannot already....

I think my baby cannot latch on partly because lack of practise... i told my husband that the "hurt" for me cannot be compensated for my whole life.....
finally realise that i'm not alone with regards to MIL being the main caregiver. can vent my frustration here! hope u all can bear with me for a while. well, i'm a weekend mother. both hubby n i will visit bb everyday from Mon to Thur and stay until 10pm. Fri we'll bring bb home n back to them on Mon am.

my all-time concern is the same as everyone here, afraid bb (now 3mths plus) will be closer to MIL than to me. as some of u mentioned, hubby dun seem to understand our maternal emotions n sometimes feels that i'm being too paranoid, insecure or overly-sensitive cos maybe it is his mother i guess... i ask myself if bb is taken care by my own mother, i feel that i will not be so bothered, seriously. know it's unfair hehe

My MIL is a very nice person, but no matter how nice, i still want my son to be closer to me at the end of the day. MIL was my CL since day 1 and bb has been in contact with her since then. so till now he is comfortable with the two of us.

initially, i will feel a bit "buay song" that bb seems to prefer her than me at times or sometimes, MIL will try to take over task from me but i will insist on doing on my own. but when that happen eg during bathing bb in the evening, it always ends up me trying to wear his clothes, diapers while MIL is there talking non-stop to bb. at times she will say "dun look at nai nai, look at mummy". then i will jokingly replied "of course he will look at u what mum cos u r talking to him mah"
See, how to find bonding time with bb alone??!!!

i guess the old folks wont understand the younger generation parents. after a hard day's work, all i look forward to is to bond with my bb but i have PILs in the way to interrupt my time, calling his name, talking to him, etc. i wonder have they not talked or played enough with him when i'm working??? really beats me. perhaps bb is their first grandchild...

ever thot of bringing bb home every night but the logistics is really not favourable, n i wont want to be a SAHM either.
maybe i have no right to complain here lah...

now i try to stick to the following routine whenever i visit bb at PILs' place:

- bathe baby
- have my dinner
- feed baby
- carry him in my arms, walk ard the house, talk to him
- baby will fall asleep in my arms
- continue to carry him until he wakes up after 45min to 1hr
- then play with him again
- go home, do a bit of chores, then sleep

this has been going on quite well n bb smiles n looks happy whenever he sees me. this melts me heart...

i hope at the end of the day, he will prefer me still cos i'm ultimately his mummy
123-my situation quite similar to urs except I bring my boy home every night, my MIL did my confinement for me since day1 also and now I started working, she is the primary caregiver to my boy in the daytime. I also hope very much I will be my boy's favourite person but till now I know I am not, maybe 2nd to my MIL. On a happier note, at least he is close to my MIL and not an outsider like nanny or maid. I try to think open let my heart be big but sometimes the jealousy feeling, beyond control, just gets to us hor.
i have been confronting my own mother on this issue as well. she is my niece's main caregiver too.

her advice to me is... to be magnanimous and like what you said, have a big heart cos she believe in "mu2 zi3 lian2 xin1". the child will always know who the mother is. even if he is close to Grandma, there is nothing wrong abt it.

well, i'm learning to adopt this mentality but can't help feeling unhappy at times.
enne - i got a question. why weekends also need to go MIL place? why not just stay home or go out and give your kiddo some time away from MIL? than maybe you will slowly become No. 1 already?

weekends i seldom bring my kiddo to MIL's place. Give my son a break and also give MIL a break!
123-Yesh lo I also think like that now, I am ok as long as he still wants me too.

clarrisa-don't know ler, seems to be a habit to go over MIL hse for dinner coz my MIL don't know how to cook if we never go over, only left her and FIL and SIL. I think seems to be ok today, he wants me even though my MIL ard, my boy seems to be playing with me, sometimes think and reject me then want me again. If I can't be number 1, hope both me and MIL be no2 la. hehe.
Sigh... My MIL is back from Genting... I was bfding my girl and the moment they got home, my girl was passed from MIL to FIL to SIL. Sigh... half way thru all the cooing and aahing, my FIL realized my girl was sticking out her tongue and making all the hungry faces, so he asked if I fed her, to which I just said "she was feeding halfway when you all got back ma". If you think they will let me continue to feed her, then you are wrong, BIG TIME. The cooing and ahhing continues, just that it became' you r hungry har? aiyo... so poor thing ah? come, por por sayang..."

Looks like my 3 days of absolute bliss has ended

But one thing I realized after these 3 days with my girl alone, I do believe being the primary care giver is impt. Cos now even though my girl still cannot crawl yet, she smiles when she sees me. And that is after my continual carrying her, playing with her and talking and singing to her for 3 full days. Hopefully, my MIL's presence isn't going to change that, if not, I don't think I can take it ah...

And you all know what? I used to wonder why so many women are willing to be SAHM, quiting their fantastic jobs to stay home. Now I really do understand why liao...
Looking back, I realise that I also went thru the same problems as u mummies:
- Yes, it's our MIL, and our hubby just don't realise why we are so sensitive with THEIR mother taking care of their baby! and yes, we gladly do the same and let go if it's our own mummy!
- MIL always 'snatches' for baby's attention. Want to take care of baby, want to bathe them, want to play with them, and saying sacarstic things like 'mummy don't want you', 'nai-nai sayang you'
- talking abt BF, my MIL always say how come I don't know how to breastfeed?.. last time she breastfeed so easy, and why I cannot do it?! she say baby will auto suck one! wah liao!! me trying my very best, and it doesn't help tat my baby is a impatient gal and is used to all the bottle-fed (with FM by my MIL) and also the fact that I suffered engorgement twice with fever!!
- I will also definitely 'fan1 lian3' the next time if I have 2nd kid and my MIL does the same thing again if I BF
- Problem is I guess it's our 1st kid and we don't know how to handle things

Haiz, in term of important, I am number 3 after MIL (1st) and FIL (2nd). Sometime, feel so 'heart sour' but what can I do, close both eyes lor cos I cannot don't work and be a SAHM and be the primary caregiver. Haiz...
Don't give up!!

I'm also a FTWM, was number 4 (after MIL, Daddy, FIL).... was so sad...
But kept playing and taking care of my gal, till now, I'm number 1... (I hope)... hehe..

You can do it too!... just dun give up!..
Dear Mummies, I went through exactly the same thing with my inlaws.

Siow Leng, you know what my mother in law did? Each time there's some kind of family gathering, like CNY, Xmas, etc, she'll purposely ignore my son and asked him to go to me. Since she's the main caregiver while I worked, naturally my son insisted on wanting her. She'll then announced at the highest possible volume to everyone around that my son didn't want his mummy! I still fumed when I recall these incidents! And she'll totally ignore my son leaving him to cry and me struggling to pacify him in the eyes of everyone! And during the rare times when my son actually chose me over her, she'll go close to my son to get his attention AND she'll ignore him when he wants her! And the same story repeats again. Those days were nightmares and I cried myself to sleep every night. And guess what, I was staying with them and I played and slept with my son every night.

My son is 3years old now. He sticks to me like a real darling, even when MIL is around. There're still times when he chose grandma over me but I know he's beginning to get closer to me. We've moved out but son is staying with in laws. We bring him home over the weekend but visits him every other day.

Now he hugs and kisses me in front of in laws and asked me to stay and sleep with him. That's such bitter sweet revenge!

So don't feel sad. Every child knows their mummies. You'll have to put up with MIL's nonsense for at least 2 years. After that, you'll see your child improving. This is speaking from experience. I know how tough it can get but hang in there, everything will be fine soon.

And believe it, mummies will always be No.1 in the eyes of the children.
i staying with my inlaws also... and don think i will move out.... but maybe it's good also cos at least i can see my son everyday after i go back to work... but don know whether i can tahan.... i also always cry inside toilet or when i lie beside my baby...

i bath for my baby yesterday again... so happy... i really think that we can do everything ourselves, just that we don have the chance...
Dun give up!!.... I first bathe my gal only when she's 3 months old leh!! coz my MIL refused to let me bathe her, saying that baby's neck very soft, not stable yet.... was so happy when I finally got to bathe her when she's 3 months old!!

Don't wait for the chance, just do it!!... I think if I have baby no. 2, I will just go against everything and listen to my own maternal instincts....

My in-laws staying with us too.

Don't give up! Ur baby can sense ur sadness too!!... Be brave!! Cheer up!!... ur baby will look for you one!!
Hwey hwey, dun give up! I'm a first time mom too, and my problem is slightly different when it comes to bathing my girl. My mom didn't take care of my hubby or my sil, so she totally refused to help me initially, say she no expereince, it is a big responsibility. Worse, her friends told her no point helping dil, if help, might as well help own daughter (imagine her sniggering when my mom works and cannot help). So after my CL left, it was me all alone, bathing her, feeding her. Initially my mil only came to cook for me. I was sooooo grateful then. Still am, btw, but really can't help the resentment when things changed.

After 1 week, her whole attitude changed, even telling me not to hire nanny or daycare cos she 'heartpain to see her being taken care of by others'. Hello? That's a total turn about! So far, she has not bathed my girl, only fed her when I am bathing and she started wailing. FYI, she has never learnt how to bathe a baby properly (according to her). After she sunk my hubby in the tub once, she swore off bathing babies and let her mom take over. So imagine my trepidation when I report back to work! Now, she boasts that my baby LOVES to play water during bathing but strangely, during the weekends, when I asked her to bathe so I can observe how she handle my baby, she say it is MY duty to bathe my own kid. I can only wonder... Once when she saw me bathing my daughter, she started saying how I should hold her like this, like that, water no need so warm, no need so much, and insisted I follow her instructions immediately. My baby had to be turned around so I can hold her as per my MIL's wishes, so her face scrunched up and was abt to cry, to which my MIL triumphantly announces "See? She don't like you hold her like that!"

This morning before I left for work, my baby started crying for milk, to which she barked at me to go make fm, and while in the kitchen, I heard her croon 'qi qi, por por here hor... por por sayang... zhi2 you3 por por wei4'... wah, I dunno what to feel! It's not like I don't want, but 6am only, she ordered me to go make milk, then tell my baby only she will feed her?Needless to say, she was already positioned at the sofa nicely with my baby when I returned. Sigh...

Tortoise, I'm not giving up, just not sure how to tahan with the situation..

Can understand your feelings... sigh...

I guess all grandmas are like that...

Characteristics of a grandma:
- Showing Off (esp saying things like baby prefers grandma over mummy)
- Anti-BF (always insist FM is better than BM, make mummies super-duper stressful)
- No Action Talk Only (NATO) - only know how to talk, ask us DIL to do things while they carry and hug our darlings
- Want to be no. 1 in our darling's eyes (always says sarcastic things like mummy don't want you, grandma sayang)

Sigh sigh...

We mummies got to bear with it, coz bottomline is that they are still our hubby's mother. We still gotta respect them.

Hang in there till ur child is abt 1.5 to 2 years old. Then they will recognise mummy and change our status to no. 1...

But of course, mummy got to put in a lot of effort lah...

Take control of the situation. I've learnt it the hard way. My MIL also like that, and I also kept giving in till I'm so stressful.

If the same thing happens again, after you have make the FM, and ur MIL is carrying ur baby in the very comfy position and waiting for ur FM, you take the FM and tell your baby "Come!! Mummy has make milk for you, mummy carry you and feed you!"... Ur MIL cannot say anything coz you are the one who make the FM, and you shld feed her and bond with your baby right?!

Don't 'direct' things at your MIL. Just tell your baby even though they don't understand things yet.
Tortoise... doesn't work regarding the milk thing. I've tried it before, and she will just say "it's ok, I'm already carrying her, you give me the bottle lor'. She sound so magnanimous, sigh.... After 2 mths plus, she must still personally GUIDE my hand when I bottlefeed my girl. Like I dunno how? I just kept quiet when she holds my hand to put the teat into my girl's mouth. But she sometimes end up smearing the milk all over my baby's face... Dunno whether to laugh or to cry...

Even my bf times she also control, when my girl wails, she will say give water first, dun let her drink so much milk! I thought growing babies slowly drink more? My girl has been drinking 150ml for abt 2 wks... high time we slowly add on right?

But anyway, later got 'ammo' to deal with her. Last night fed baby breast milk after I came back from work, was so worried she will start forbidding me to feed cos it was already late. Always say fm more full, at night should feed fm. But apparently, I was too tired, so after I switched sides, i laid my girl down on the bed so i can feed her lying down, but both of us ended up falling asleep on the bed. Gotta say our bed is safe, my baby cannot roll off cos the bed is against the wall, already lined with cushions. When my hubby walked in, it was to see me sleeping soundly and my girl was the best, ocassionally making the loud sucking noise on and off even when she sleeps. Hahaha... Anyway, she slept thru the night, surviving on breast milk. Ha! Proves we just have to give her enough so she won't be hungry...
Siow Leng,

I feel that you have to stand firm instead of keeping quiet at times. u can always be firm yet polite n respectful at the same time. no one will fault u.
sounds to me like ur MIL is domineering cos u r too kind.
oh man, i'm facing the "ma4ma4" problem too. MIL would come and call herself "ma4ma4" and refer to me as "ma3ma2" or mommy when she feels like it.
and last weekend when we had her over for dinner, she immediately responded" ma4 ma4 is eating .." when my boy babbled ma ma ma..

i duno why i'm just so mad at this. it sounds so trivial but it can really make ur blood boil.
123, tried telling her nicely already... All my words simply flew above her head one... I don't mean to sound mean, but it seems that all the things her friends (or even the aunties from the mkt) say, are god's own truth, and what me and my hubby say, are just useless rumors/gossip/rubbish!

I started another thread some time ago abt my baby not sleeping at nite, lots of mommies told me to try conditioning by waking her and letting her play during the day, so she sleeps at night. My dear dear MIL immediately blasted us cos according to her friends, babies MUST sleep as much as possible. So if she doesn't sleep at night? Well, in her own words, 'you are her mommy. You think it is so simple ah?' Imagine how I feel when the entire household went to sleep (I even heard snoring!) while I carry my girl, rock her, croon... even though it was 2 am

Anyway, these couple of days, have been trying to assert myself. The other day I insisted on breastfeeding baby myself. She claimed breast milk not full... blah blah... all proven wrong when my girl slept thru the night after drinking my milk. Small victory, but sooooo triumphant!

Guess she has to recover lost ground when that happened, so she actually told me she tells my girl to poo only after I got home from work so she can save the shit for me... What the...?!?!?! I told her how can ask my girl to control her stools like that, she just laugh and say that's the least I can do after SHE looked after my girl for the ENTIRE day. Like I wouldn't love to take over if I am not working?? Ok, so clearing up for my girl is not something I hate, cos it is a precious bonding moment to me. But to PURPOSELY TEACH my baby that? Isn't it a bit too much? But hey, my girl used to poo only in the evening, ever since she started telling my girl that, she has been passing motion in the afternoon BEFORE I come home everyday. Hahaha... I just smiled evily at her last night when she told me she knew something was wrong when she saw my girl grinning in the cot. Yeah, my 2 1/2 mth old girl took revenge for me... Haha...Sweet...

I will not upstage her la, but slowly, see if I can turn her around... and hope my patience and endurance can last...
Siow Leng,

you are really tolerant and patient with ur MIL.
i dunno what i will do if i were you...
for sure i will let hubby know what MIL said. am sure ur hubby is a fair man.
try sounding him out?

can't imagine such MIL exist. make me grateful of mine.

anyway, hope ur baby will always be on ur side. must "mu zhi lian xin" to deal with ur MIL.
Siow Leng,
I don know it works or not, but i think my baby fall sleep quite fast when i put him in "sarong"(I don know what't the name, the thing with spring, u know right?). When i put him on my bed, he will play with himself, keep turning his head and looking around, sometimes talk to the air con machine also.. haha... so he won't fall sleep so fast... so maybe u can try, see which place she fall sleep very fast then don put her there in the day time.

Holiday started already, so now u can stay at home and look after ur girl right?? happy for u... i also stay at home to play with my baby...

sigh... after reading ur post.... i thought i should be grateful... but this morning i feel angry again...

my husband said i should ask his mum directly that i want to bath for baby, he said must communicate. so since last week i wanted to ask her, but i didn't open my mouth.. cos sometimes i just felt that she wouldn't agree, sometimes i just couldn't open my mouth cos i could feel that she also wish to bath for my baby.... then this morning she need to go out at 8, but I make FM for my baby at 7:30am, then she just said "bath first, drink later". so i asked her to go out, i can bath for baby later, then she keep silent for a few seconds then she said don need, she bath for him can liao. I looked at my husband and so angry, so he also told his mum to let baby drink first, but she just refused.

the thing she worry the most is "baby feel hungry". because of that, she don't like me to breastfeed my baby, said baby will got gastric pain, always feed my baby (less than 3 hours and he still sleeping), feed him a lot (new born drink like 3 months baby, now 3 months she feed 200ml.) And she always insist that must drink before bath.but now just because she wanted to bath for my baby, she don let me to feed him. I was so angry...
hi all,
I kinda share your thoughts. My kid goes to my in-laws in the day and rtns home at nite. He is also very close to my FIL. Ah gong is #1 for him. But the fortunate thing is that my hubby and I still have a big say over what to do and what not to do with him. (ok, both of us bite back when we hear nonsense from the old folks hehe) At least, with the BFing, they totally had no chance against me haha.. I totally did not buy FM at home at all. Initially they also did the enough or not? Even my own mum kept asking. But no FM at home so cannot give FM lor. After about 6-8weeks, once the milk flow estabilished, nobody had anything to say anymore! I managed to fully BF my boy for 1 whole year, even I after I returned to work at when he was 7 months old I was still pumping for the day and latching when i got home.

everybody tells me that your own child will eventually want mummy,. I see my nephew, who stays with my mum and only goes home on weekends, he is now 3 and recently has started to want to go home with mummy all the time. So i guess the day will really come... *crossing my fingers*
MIL will always be MIL. We treat them as though they are our own mother, but they are not appreciative of that, and will forever treat us as outsider coz she didn't give birth to us. That's what I felt.
I gave in a lot to my MIL. My baby also didn't want me.
- BF was a torture with MIL making sacarstic remarks. Once my hubby's auntie said that babies are closing to mummies who breastfeed. straightaway, my MIL say that "Wrong! Not true! see, my DIL also BF, but baby not close to her!" And I was sitting in front of her. Imagine how sad I was!!
- Bathing baby. I only got to bathe my baby after 3 months ok!!.... all the time, I can only watch my MIL bathe and play with my gal, while I'm like the maid, passing her the powder, passing her my daughter's clothes.

I was being domineered by my MIL until I cannot take it when my baby rejected me.

No point telling your hubby coz men just don't see the point at all!! They dun see our point why we keep 'complaining' abt their mothers. And more importantly, they see it that their mother are helping us to take care of baby!

You must really learn to take control of the situation

- Don't need to be disrespectful. But you gotta be firm.

Re: Feed baby
- After making the FM, put it in the room at ur bedside. Tell ur MIL that you want to feed the baby, and the milk is in the room. Carry the baby from her and go straight to your room

Re: Bathe baby
- Monitor how your MIL bathe your baby. Make sure you are confident enuff in bathing them. Then make sure windows/doors are closed, then water is ready, and u can bathe them.
Even till now, my MIL always make sacarstic remarks that must wash baby cleanly, must bathe fast so as not to catch cold. Hey! My gal is 2 years old liao leh!... but she still has the concept that whatever she does, it's the best! Nobody can compare!....
Tortoise, I totally agree with you when you said that men will be men! They cannot understand our need to care for and be loved by our babies. Just last night, I dunno whether to cry (somemore) or to laugh. My notorious mil stuck again and when I started tearing up, my hubby just said "if you cannot stand her, move back lor, cry what cry?"! I know he doesn't like the fact that she was over domineering and possessive over baby, but he doesn't see it as a problem like I do, since afterall, she was only trying to care for baby.

So, another sob story happened. It seems that whenever my MIL does something kind or nice (like telling my girl mommy is out working whole day, so she should smile at me when I get home, or tell her to wait for me at the door, even though she's still 2 mths plus only... hehe), the very next thing, something BAD will happen. I mentioned earlier on I am a teacher, it's the sch hols now and by right, sch hols means HOLIDAYS right? Wrong. All teachers will know we are forever being called back for meetings, review workshops, seminars... blah blah... So yesterday, I was at Grange Rd, it was raining when my workshop ended. Having been couped up since my girl's delivery, I haven't had the chance to go out much. So though I miss my girl, I was secretly delighted the venue was near Orchard Rd... yeah.. shopping! In the end, decided against shopping and headed home straight. The moment I got home, my MIL started her tirade!

Seems my girl threw up her milk in the morning. And it was MY fault. According to her, I must have overfed her at 5am, so when I left for work and baby wakes up later at 9am, my MIL decided to feed her water (hmmm... why water? not milk?). Unfortunately, after 2 sips, my girl vomitted some milk. Verdict? I OVERFED her. Waaa... she went on and on... just 2 days ago, before I got home, my girl thew up her milk all over the floor. Imagine my horror when I walked in and saw all the soiled clothes and nappy on the floor! Worse, my girl looks like she was out of breath, so I was all the more anxious! Lucky she was ok, so we didn't say anymore abt it. Now, my MIL pushed all the blame on me cos I OVERFED her! Sigh... logically speaking, I wasn't even at home to feed her, I was at work, so obviously she was the guilty one, not me! As for yesterday morning's episode, I do believe I am not at fault! Anyway, she completely blamed me for these 2 vomitting episodes and said that she is going to reduce the amt of milk given to my girl. My girl has been drinking 5 oz for the past week and she was ok when I took care of her. Now, she thew up twice under her care, she should be glad I didn't reprimand her! Instead, I got a good scolding, said I fed too much so now ALL feedings, to restrict to 4 Oz. The absolutely best part is, just when my girl has finally started to sleep thru the night, she said all babies need to be fed regularly, so I must wake her up at night to feed her every 3 hours. HAR? Now, isn't that force feeding?! Anyway, I dun care, I didn't wake baby up. If her body decides she has enough milk, I'll let her sleep, dun dare to feed her like that also.

And just for info, babies drink more milk progressively but the frequency of the feeds decrease right? With her dictating 3 hr 4 Oz feeds, how on earth my girl gonna grow well??? So thankful this coming fri will finally be last day of work for the hols, so I can shift back to my own place.

Frankly, if not for the fact that finances will be tight if I dun work, I will be a SAHM and move back to my own place! I tell myself, if I get a boy next time, I am NOT going to become like my MIL and terrorize my DIL in future (well, easier said than done, perhaps... hahaha).

Really thankful to all of you for sharing and putting up with me... I know I go on n on... but without this place to vent my frustrations, think I will go crazy soon... sigh...