<b>HELP! IS HE CHEATING?</b>

[paranoidmum]

hi mummies,

thanks so much for looking at my thread. I want to get your opinion urgently.

My situation:

I accidentaly saw a photo of him and a colleague in his handphone. In the photo, my hubby was holding the camera...he and the girl were standing together, his cheek and her cheek were touching side by side. Both had big smiles and had sparkles in their eyes.

When i asked him who it was, he said the girl was fr another team and he even needed some time to remember her name. He got mad at me for making a big deal of this situation in public.

I asked him, why did u take this photo? he said, no reason. just a photo. he deleted it.

I have never seen a photo of him with another girl like this EXCEPT when he had an affair 3yrs ago with another colleague fr a different company. Since then, we moved to SIngapore and started a family.

My love-life history:

My hubby already cheated on me before in 2008. Back then we were not yet married. I was not fulfilling his sexual needs when a colleague of his had a serious crush on him and she was very happy to fulfill him sexually.

My question is: Am I making a big deal? My husband is in sales and he really has an outgoing friendly personality.

Is it 'normal' for a man to take photo this close with a female if she is not special to him? (His phone doesn't have photo of any other female in this pose.)

Is this a warning sign that my husband is cheating again? Should I be worried? How should I handle this situation?

 

[paranoidmum]

My evaluation is

...my hubby probably flirts with this girl, they may even have lunch together but if there is an affair, it has not become a full-blown serious relationship bec I also observed his habits and he doesn't seem to be cheating because....

...he spends almost every Sat &amp; Sunday with me and my baby

...he comes home by 8-9PM and has dinner at home.

...his hp is always out in the open.

I welcome your thoughts, women and men's opinions are most welcome!

I am not speaking to my hubby since the incident (only yesterday).

 

[sharon_ang]

hi my opinion;

if a man had been caught before, he will take extra precaution not to be caught again. Since he is in sales and they are colleagues, they can see each other everyday, why want to do it on weekend and let u suspect him.

He can even come back at 5-6 pm for dinner, as he can meet the women anytime during office hours. Affair don't happen only after work or in the night only.

If he had a agreement not to call after office hour, there is nothing for u to check on his handphone.

 

[watymansoor]

Hi Imelda, my hubby is in the night scene entertainment line. I have seen with my own eyes how cheap girls throw themselves at him purposely trying to make me jealous. Still, itrust my husband. We believe that we will not do anything foolish to throw away our years of marriage and affect the lives if our 3 kids. Some women really have no morals trying to steal other people husband. Have a talk with ur hubby and decide and evaluate for yourself if he can be trusted. If u are undecided,forgive him this timeand move on. Don't behAve needy and paranoid all the time. Guys are turn off by woman who have no confidence.hope everything works out for you.

 

[paranoidmum]

hi sharon...
i agree...if someone wants to cheat, they can find many ways to do it.

hi aty...it takes a strong strong man to resist all the constant flirtations fr other women.

Cn i get pls get ur opinion...do u think what i saw was a big deal?

 

[watymansoor]

In myopinion, it is a big deal, and he certainly owes u an apology. He should not get angry when being questioned. Ask him how it feels if it was u in the pic with another man.

 

[paranoidmum]

@aty...i think so too! actually, i asked him that same question...how would he feel if it was me in the pic with another man. his reply, no response.

i am expecting an apology too, although i would not 'demand or ask him to say sorry'. he should be the one to realise that what he did was not right.

that's why i've decided i will not act 'normal' around him until he apologizes. so, right now, i just give him the cold shoulder.but my hubby is a proud man and he sees nothing wrong with what he did so i'm preparing myself to wait for his apology, which may take awhile...

 

[paranoidmum]

i also want to add...

...Can anyone pls share on how to make your relationship strong?

We have a 15month old gal...but i think we love her more now than we love each other. I can honestly say i have not put high importance to my hubby's needs since my baby was born.

Pls share, i do need the advice! or else my marriage will be in serious danger.

 

[margret]

hi, my sister husband was totally like your husband. he was caught once by my sister having a relationship with a colleague after work.

after the incident ask for my sister forgiveness and change his rountinue. He started to have affair during working time.

to make a relationship strong depend on how much the other party is committed to your marriage.if he persistent having affair, no matter how much u do also no use.

 

[paranoidmum]

hi margret, thanks for sharing your sister's situation. it reminds me that a lot of women have to face this kind of challenge in this marriage.

mimi_wg...yes, totally agree with what you said mimi-wg...your words are short and simple but very very true. i cannot keep thinking all these negative thoughts...and i cannot keep waiting or expecting his next infidelity or else our relationship will not really work.

if i keep nagging him or being paranoid, i know i will drive him away. so i have decided instead to think of things that will make our relationship happier and stronger.

Big thank you to all!

 

[vanniety]

Hi Imelda, to address your main concerns:

Is the photo a big deal? - Yes. If the girl was forgettable or of no importance to him, he wouldn't be keeping the photo in his phone.

Is your husband cheating? - I am a confrontational type of person and the only way to find out is to ask him directly. But for me this is not the main issue. If he admits that he is indeed cheating, do you think he's worth fighting for and are you willing to forgive him and stay married?

I noticed your statement earlier that you admit that you are somehow neglecting your husband since your daughter was born. The mere fact that you can admit this means that you acknowledge that you need to start working on your relationship with your husband. Try harder to "un-neglect" him - talk to him more, go out on dates just like before, etc. Try all the things that made your bg-gf relationship exciting last time.

Lastly, men never gets the idea of a "cold shoulder". Or even if they did, they will take the issue lightly and this can make you even more agitated. Talk it out.

My mantra as a wife: My husband is my best friend. The passion may come and go (to make the marriage more exciting) but the respect and love should never go away.

 

[rosabella]

Hi Imeda,

Ur description of ur husband fits some1 i knows... he is in sales line n also have a 15 month old daugther...just like ur husband he spend the weekend with family n will return home from work by 8pm. he also told us that he had affair with his ex-colleague; yes, he confided that he cheated on his wife but to him since the cheating is purely a transaction n no emotion involve he don't count it as cheating... I felt bad for his wife that he is doing this to her but i can't interfere with their private family affairs... this guy goes for paid sexual services regularly n from ur he said, he is still have regular meeting with his ex-coll whom he have affair with... he claim he love his wife but after the childbirth, his wife cannot satisfy him anymore n he needed to seek this somewhere else, he told me all men r like this to justify his own action, i felt v.disturb by wat he said. although he is v.confident that his wife will never know what he is up to (he still wear the wedding band on his finger everyday), to me this is a betrayal.

 

[littlena]

confirmed

 

[ling_er]

<font color="119911"> Had a talk with ur husband, Thing can be sort out.. </font>

<font color="0000ff">Short past story of mine, I gt preg &amp; i marry to my hubb, he is a gamer.. we have not been Making love for the 4month+ till last 1 day i was making my son slp &amp; i play with his HP. I saw a half nuke PRC woman Pix, tat mention my heart sunk! I confess to my hubb after my son slp. HE only repl mi a prank/joke from his collegue, I was damn angry &amp; sad tat i ask WHO he did'nt wan to ans to mi. I went back room . Next day i SMS him to chase for the ans i wan... He say tat cfm is a prank from his fren &amp; he didn't knw y his HP have tat pix. If he had thing to do with it he wun be stupi placing the Phone in Room &amp; waiting for mi to view!! After thing Sort out with him. I warn him nt to pass his HP to his fren ANYMORE. I dun wan ANOTHER PRANK to happen! </font>

<font color="0077aa"> So girl talk to ur hubb. </font>

 

[margotfonteynfan]

...I'm in a similar situation. Cosy photos of my husband with a lady I have never seen before in his email inbox. I think the photos were taken with his hp, then emailed from his hp using the email account there to another email account of his - the one I found the photos in. I have no idea who she is. I also saw rather affectionate email exchanges with his colleague, I didn't know they were on such good terms. I feel like crap. He used to tell me everything. After the baby came, I'd been doing all I can from getting a breakdown with working while looking after her. Yes, sure, we shouldn't neglect the husband. Of course. Between rushing from one task to another with work, being ultimately responsible also for housework, and minding a baby/toddler (he doesn't like the child to cry), we are also supposed to find the 25th hour to take care of the husband as well. I hardly time to look after myself.

 

[kimmielalala]

not trying to make things worse, but i wish to share with you my story.

i have ex colleague who always chat online with me during office hours (MSN). He also doing sales, he was quite helpful to colleagues, and one day we happened to go lunch togather near our office. Then we meet my supervisor while we were eating. Well, just when you thought nothing serious. After this good episode and story follow on.

Then the next day, he MSN me, asked me if i know his wife? I told him not at all, not like i know everyone's wife rite. Then i pressure him to tell me, what happen as he kept asking weird questions. So he said yesterday night someone called his wife HP, and told her ''ur hubby is flirting outside'' with an unknown number. So i tot he is joking, even someone call the wife, then what is it gonna do with me? Then i felt weird, as my supervisor is a very suspicious person,(she imagine things). So i told him, maybe its the supervisor who is BEST FRIEND with our HR, and get the contact number from there as the lady even called his house at wee hours.

But my colleague insisted my supervisor is not that kind of person, she is very demure, very down to earth (which is not true). Then i felt weird and asked him how can he be sure. End up he told me, he and my supervisor is having affair, during lunchtime, they will go seperate ways, and meet up at 'one place'. And I WAS SHOCKED! I asked if he going to leave the wife and baby girl. He said no cos his wife wont know. He planned properly. They both only meet during lunchtime even at handicap toilet.

Shocked of my life. And the next few days he kept telling me there is a girl kept calling the wife. And both quarrel, as the girl know his husband's schedule. And wife and baby girl move back to her mom's place. So i asked him if he do anything to stop the wife? He said after work, he went to the mother in law place beg for forgiveness, and INSISTED HE DO NOT HAVE AFFAIR. HIS HEART is only one. People just want to sabo him, as he is going for promotion soon! He cry and cry in front of the father in law. And he SWEAR he didnt do anything wrong. Well...he told me that. My jaw dropped, i do not know whether i should trust any guys anymore.

And after 1 week the wife and daughter still not back, he said he will call them daily, speak with the daughter. And told the wife that he want to commit suicide without both of them.

The feeling is like watching Hong Kong drama, I need to know the end, so i asked him, then you and supervisor how? Break up? He said, he enjoy what he do with her as she also married and she doesnt mind. He just lay low these period until the wife did not suspect him anymore.

Well...in front of us, he is a caring father who always mentioned about her daughter in front of us

 

[kimmielalala]

And he is also a part time property agent, so weekend or at night both him and my supervisor wants to meet up. He will just tell the wife, got client need to view property.

 

[joy_ful]

Hi imelda (paranoidmum),

I understand how you feel as a wife. It is not easy being a mum and wife. As a first time mother, we always up neglecting the latter duty coz of our strong maternal instinct to care for our child.

My hubby has always been in a sales job and went pubbing alot till middle of the night. I was always paranoid and kept calling him to check where he was in the past. Even after he resigned from this sales job and went into another industry, I still do not like him going out too much coz he has a very outgoing personality and loves to socialize and takes lots of photos with his gals colleagues.

Since the birth of my child, I neglected my hubby badly. I hardly communicate with him coz I will just end up nagging and arguing with him. We also drift apart coz he will find me a nag or overly zealous in looking after the baby. I was even thinking of divorce as I really cannot get along with my hubby.

It was till I started doing a business, constantly sought his advice and even do reviews together. He found me a changed person for the better(more positive, humble and less opinionated). Our relationship takes a turn for the better. My hubby who never helped me in chores is taking initiative to wash the laundry and mop the floor without me naggin. Of course, your own positive outlook and confidence plays a vital part. Vanniety (vanniety) makes another important point "respect and love should never go away". We should always have faith in each other and if things are really uncomfortable, talk to each other about your concerns. Make time to share with each other about your life, dreams and love for each other. We do so every nite or early in the morning b4 he departs for work.

The small acknowledgement of each other's effort plays another vital role. Do romantic things like writing secret notes to him about telling him that you love him very much. Invite him for a romantic dinner while someone else babysit for you. All these gestures are part and puzzle of maintaining a healthy relationship.

Meeting up people, expanding your social circle will help open your mind and horizon. Just let me know if you would like to talk to or meet up. I am flexible to meet in the morning for brunch or lunch.