ANYONE SALVAGED A MARRIAGE AFTER HUSBAND COMMITS ADULTERY

Hi Hi outsider,

hmm..u shd see mi few mths ago and last yr..i'm not mature lah..i hve alot of struggles..alot of ups n downs..till now,i still hve..but i'm trying not to let it get over mi..n just focus on my life n taking good care of my children

i guess as time goes by..this kind of thing slowly heal..n alot of things which i hold on to very importantly..n those un-answered questions tt i hve..are not impt anymore.

actually to save the marriage or not..is not on my part oni.it takes two hands to clap..

as for blaming him..tt is not realli such an impt issue..the main thing is the saving n doing the repair work if he wans this marriage..which i dun see in him.

hmm..as a woman..i hope tt u will not continue with ur bf anymore if there is no future..dun waste ur time..
i'm not in a position to tell u wat u shd or shd not do.
but like i said..as a woman..i dun wan u to waste ur life like tt..

n thanks for sharing with us..
 


dear forgetmenot,

it's ok if you feel that you want to deal with this your own way instead of what i suggest. I am not here to force my experience on anyone, just sharing if you want to hear. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and hope that you will find peace in your own way.

I do thank you sincerely for your wishes for me and I also thank you for treating me with courtesy.
 
Hi outsider,

Yes, pls share with me on what your bf think ? I don't think it's very fair to me if my hb want the best of both world...I hv been suffering while he is enjoying his life with the OW...

I also agree with forgetmenot that you should not continue with your bf cos i thk u can find another man who can give you the 100% love...it's no good to break up other people family...

hi forgetmenot,

it's true...i m feeling more "tong ku" after finding out more things btw them...but at least, i know that my hb been lying to me...he says he is not enjoying & he says i always assume he is happy with the OW...all are lies...how to believe in this man? u know...all these can make u numb & more determine to leave this man...

Hi Micky,

Tell your hb to be frank with you if he still want your trust...chat can slowly lead to meet up...be calm & talk to him nicely...
 
Yes, I agree that men are very different from women in all aspects. However, a marriage is still a relationship between two people. What the two people agree to live with is entirely up to them. Can dying_heart, forgetmenot and Micky live with the proposals their husbands submitted? Can they live with it and BE HAPPY? Is outsider's BF's wife aware of her existence? Is she happy? Whatever any of us share or tell here on this forum or elsewhere, it's still ultimately the married couple themselves who have to decide what they will live with (or will not live with) and what makes them happy.
 
I called the number and it was still she picking up the call, so i asked my hsband why he lie to me? he said he did not, and said that was what she told him and that's why he tried the software to see if she really did change. anyway, he said he really want to keep this marriage intact and said we hv to work towards it. and he said time will tell everything. he has uninstall the software and block off all users who are not in his contact list so that they cannot msn him. he said they trail i saw was the woman msn him, but he did nt reply.

but deep down, i dun see the whole story geling.

guess maybe u ladies here are right, we shld not dig anymore, dig will only make us so miserable.

he promised that the truth and he will not another woman break up this family, what more, is a woman which he has never met! aiyoyo, i think i'm going mad liao - FIGHTING WITH A CYBER WOMAN!
 
Dear singlemomof3, dying heart and forgetmenot,

i agree with singlemomof3 that the two people in the relationship must decide what they can live with. That is the first thing I said in my earlier post to forgetmenot - the first thing is that she must decide what she can accept and what she can live with, first thing she has to ask herself is whether she can accept that her marriage is not going to be the ideal marriage - can she live with that?

The second thing which I mentioned is that she has to stop focusing on blaming on her husband.

dying heart and forgetmenot, from reading your posts to me, I feel that your answer is 'no' to the first question. For the second, I feel that both of you are still focusing on blaming your husband. In my opinion, you are justified in feeling this way. All I am saying is that if you want things to improve with your husband, then you cannot continue feeling this way. Go ahead and let yourself feel this way ALL THE WAY. Then, when you are done, you must get ready to move on to the next phase of action and then I will try to help you if you want.

Of course, you both have your own way of dealing with the situation and I do respect that, which is why I will not pursue this further unless you feel that you need my input.

By coming into this forum to share with all of you what my BF thinks, I am taking on the role of your hubby. At the same time, I am the OW. You can see that I am putting myself in a 'dangerous' position. If you are still not ready to focus on solutions, then we will get into a big argument, because you will use me as a punching bag to vent your anger and frustration at your hubby and his OW. This is not my intention at all. I do not wish to cause you to feel more hurt and of course, I do not wish to be put in the fire. I hope you can understand that.

I may have misunderstood your posts, of course. I am still willing to share if you want and are ready to listen. Otherwise, I wish you both the best of luck and hope that you find happiness and peace.
 
Hi singlemomof3,

I agree totally with what you say...family & frenz ard you can only give advises...to other, they think my hb is hopeless..should just dump him...but i cannot deny the fact that before this thing happen...he is a gd husband and father...he is lost in the passion love btw him & the OW...just like we 1st mtg...but he forgot abt wat outsider say...the deep love btw a couple who has been tog for long times...

Digging might not get you anywhere unless you want the way out...but i think i deserve the right to know wat is happening btw this man & the OW...after all the lies...i m also having 2nd thots about wanting this man to come back...

my hb told me he won't abandon me...but when i ask him abt the OW...he says he will settle with her...but when i ask him when ? he got no answer...i guess there are times when we really hv to stand firm...i hv given him alot of times...but nthgs from him & in fact, he been enjoying all the attention from 2 women...

I give him a date & i tell him i won't blame him if he choose her cos that mean i can walk out with no regret...he is simply not worth for me to wait & spend my life...cos the OW is more impt than his own flesh & blood...

Maybe, it becos of all the lies and his behaviour...i seems to start feeling numb towards this man...

Hi Micky,

Dun under estimate man...I am not trying to discourage you...i use to believe wat my hb says...but i realise that once he starts to tell lies...one lie will lead to another lies & more & more...

Regarding your hb...since he says time will tell...you should monitor & see....it's gd that he promises you that he will not let the OW break up the family...
 
Hi outsider,

i can understand ur gd intentions and appreciate your contributions.

actually how shd i put it..i dun blame him for the affair thing..in a way..i blamed him for not putting effort to try to save the marriage. like i told u and the other girls earlier..i find tt my marriage cant really be save..cos my hb no more feelings for mi mah..n he finds it hard to be a couple again..

n i cant be the oni person trying to save the marriage..cos it takes 2 hands to clap..

actually, to some extent..the affair thing is over..now my concern, is working towards repairing the marriage..which i dun get from him

n i believed that there is no ideal marriage..but a couple can make it better n how they wan their marriage to be when they work together..

honesty, i still wan to save this marriage..but i cant do this alone..n i seem to hve tried everything..n nothing works..
so now..i'm just leave things at it is..n let everyone cool down..n let time heal..n hoping tt maybe time will heal our relationship (which abit impossible..as i always feel tt,if u wan something,u hve to work for it..nothing comes free..a relationship or marriage will not happen,if u dun work towards it)

but i would oso appreciate your help..if u can..to let mi noe wat else i can...if u dun wan to post in forum..u can always drop mi a email..
 
hi outsider,

Very few woman can tolerate the ideas of our man sleeping, hugging and kissing the OW...from the day, i realise the affair...i seem to hv lost the man of my life...cos his attention is no longer on me...i m like a wife in "name"...someone whom he can bring out to show to his frenz & parents openly...no one can understd the kind of pain we feels unless you are in it...like i say...we all dun deserve this kind of life...

i been giving my hb alot of chances for him to turn back...but he still choose to grab on the OW...the hurt that he cause me never stop...it's not easy to move on being a single mum...i think those of us here dun want to end up that way...but if that the only way for us to find peace and happiness...i guess we just hv to walk out...
 
hi outsider,

by the way, can you share what your bf think ? Dun you find that he is unfair to you ? What make you decide to stay with him knowing that he will never be able to give you any status ?
 
hi dying heart,
u noe..someone told mi..watever we do,are all decisions...n i can finally understand wat she told mi.
we can decide wat we wan to do.to continue to stay in this marriage?to decide to trust him?

if and if u decided to trust ur hb again..then watever things he said or did..u hve to trust..
once u make that decision, then the responsibility falls on him to honor tt.

sounds like a lay back approach right? but if u really sit down n think calmy..in a way..is quite true..always remember.. we cannot control and change our husbands..
We just control and do what we can..
like tt..life will be easier n simpler to live..

BUT..always hve a backup plan..
u must ask urself..can u live like this? if u cant..then wat are ur plans?

Wish for the best but plan for the worst.

it is not easy..but trust mi..u can do it..
i'm trying now..at times, i still get affected by the things he did..but i try to distract myself..
tt's y, i find tt i'm more at peace..

n do urself a favour..go n do things to make urself happier..like buy new clothes,shoes..doll up yourself..
we dun doll ourselves up just for men..we do it to make us feel happier too..
 
my dear dying heart,
now u are still very upset over the whole incident.
now wat u shd do..is to focus on urself n your girl.
do things to make u feel good..n when are good both physically,emotionally..n mentalily..then u can make good decisions..

give time for both of u to cool down..n when u are ready n well..then u can ask from him..what he wans..

actually when i'm typing all these to u..i'm vv surprised tt i dun really feel anything..
no more anger..etc....
n i'm surprised tt i come to this realisation within such a short period of time after knowing u gals..

but in a way..i think tt it take mi too long to realised this..if i will to realise this eariler..my life will be much happier faster..

remember..u cannot change him..just do ur best..

u dun accept PM..do email mi..,okie?
 
forgetmenot:
well said
happy.gif
 
Dying heart, you are perfectly justified in the way you feel.

i don't want to answer questions about how I feel or why I am still with my bf. I don't think this will help you and it will cause argument between us. If you want to work things out then you cannot focus on the OW. You have to stop thinking about her and start focusing on your marriage. This is difficult but FUNDAMENTAL to working things out.

Now you are not ready to shift your focus and that is natural. Like I mentioned earlier, go ahead and let yourself feel all the hurt and betrayal ALL THE WAY for now. You are perfectly justified.

When you are done with that, you will be ready to move on to the next phase, whether it is to walk out or to work things out. Like singlemomof3 and I mentioned earlier, you will then have to decide what you want and what you can live with. If you have truly decided to try to work at your marriage, then I will share with you. If you are still thinking that walking out is a serious option, then you will not be able to accept what I have to share and in any event, it will not be useful to you since you don't want to stay.
 
hi staff,
did not hear from you for some time..how are you?
thanks..well..is always easier to say than done..but i'm trying to practice..

in a way..i realised that..no matter what i say to him..,it does not get to him..

so i guess..he himself has to realise tt..no one can help him..

i can oni help myself
 
forgetmenot:
i havent been gone. been here all this while, reading everyone's posts.

i only step in, when i feel there is too much wallowing going on. no.. its is alright to feel that way, but that kind of feeling, and the duration of that feeling, the person has to gone through herself. something like a rite of passage.. and the thing is, the person has to come of it herself.

Like you have.
happy.gif
 
Dear forgetmenot,

Reading your latest post, I feel that you have started your journey to recovery. That's wonderful and Congratulations for making it through the first phase that we have all been talking about.

Ok, I will share with you bit by bit and we see how it goes.

I have been reading the previous posts by staff - her experience from the wife's side confirms what I will share with you from the hubby's side. Although let me start by saying that every man is different and there are no guarantees.

Ok, what do you most want to find out? Remember, no questions about the OW, just the man's side.
 
forgetmenot
so glad that u have come out of the phrase, it's definitely not easy, but i realise that one is at that stage, does that mean that we no longer care?

dyingheart
you hv to focus on ur marriage, easier said than done, but if u still want him, FOCUS on bringing him back. of coz, give urself a timeframe. some man just think that we will waste all our youth on them.

he promised again what he said is all truth and he never initiate any contact with her except for once aftr i found out just to tekl her that they shld stop communicating and she called him few days ago telling him she has changed her number. so he used that software and see if it's really true.
the events were as follow:

16 dec - i found out
17 to 19 dec - he was overseas and he said she sms him but he nevrer respond
when he come back, he felt that he shld let her know so he called her.

09 jan - she called him to said phone no. changed.

14 and 15 jan - she msn him

if they hv agreed not to contact, why out of the blue would she call my husband to tell himphone number change which in fact did not at all?? and still msn him????

u ladies tell me, not convincing right????

he said that woman expensive to maintain, she's a rich businessman lover who give her everything, and he will not let a woman like her ruin all that we built these years..wa lau, i VERY CONFUSED LIAO!!!!!
 
Micky: No, it's not that we don't care. But we learn that it's no longer in our best interests to care.

forgetmenot: congratulations
happy.gif
time to gather yourself up and move.
 
forgetmenot,

yes, you r right...i m still very upset abt the whole things...very very stress & tire...i m full of negative thots...my mind keeps thinking abt the separation part...the life without him...really planning for the worst...

how to focus on the marriage...how to keep him? i really duno now...is he worth for me to stay on? i m scare...becos of all the lies...i m lack of confidence in this man...he can't give me any answer on when can he leave the OW...it's driving me crazy...

outsider,

i cannot ignore the fact tat he is so in love with the OW...at one stage...i try to keep my cool...even when i know tat he is mtg her...i keep quiet...but it's really a very terrible feeling....i try to close one eyes but i simply can't do it...sigh...

micky,

i talk to some man & they share that man are man...if they can, they will want the best of both world...a lover outside & a wife waiting for him at home...sigh

dun b confuse...u know man like excitment...mayb to him...it just a cyber fling....no string attached...how i wish my hb is just having a fling...
 
hi ladies,

Still in a bad mood today...he comes home even later yestersday...very cold towards me & my girl...& wearing her shirt again...i know why he is showing me all this...cos i told him tat my parents will tell his parents abt wat happen soon...cos he is not doing anythgs...my parents can't std it anymore...he is angry...becos his image of a gd son is going to spoil...i remember him telling me if my parents is going to confront his parents...tat the end of us...sigh...this man simply dun admit he is in the wrong...

forgetmenot,

i must really learn from you to let go & move on...cos i can't see any future btw us anymore...sigh...
 
Dear Dying Heart,

Yes, I can understand that it is so very difficult to accept that there is another woman in his life. The initial period after you first find out about her is truly hell.

Hang in there. Be strong my dear dying heart. Whatever you feel, however horrible things are, DON'T DO ANYTHING for now. It is not the right time. That's my advice if there is a part of you that still wants to save this.
 
Hi outsider,

Yes, my days is living in hell...i think this is the darkest moments i ever experience...unless, i dun love this man anymore...else, i will always be living in unhappiness...

Like I say before...i m feeling weaker & weaker as days goes by...he is slowly killing my love towards him...feeling very negative towards my marriage...sigh
 
dyingheart
Your man is trying to play blackmail game by saying if ur parents confront his parents, that's the end. sigh, man are just so selfish.

can imagine that you have felt terrible, when u realise that ur pain is no longer there, that's when u hv move on, it will not be immediate, it will take time, but one day it will heal. the dilema of staying or moving, is like roller coaster mood, esp when a young child is involved. Children are innocent, and they know when things are not right, and they feel the pain also.

i remembered when i was young my parents wanted to divorce when they were quarrelling, and i was so so so sad and was really scare that it will happen. the child love both the daddy and mummy,and losing either one is painful. it's really a very tough decision, a decision that will affect not only you, both families and also your daughter. while u said ur love for him slowly going, but let me tell u, it's not that simple. in fact, the love is still very strong, if not u will not be in such agony. i can feel ur love for ur husband but sadly, he choose to only see the OW's love.

Life is full of ups and downs and it will not be a bed of roses. I always tell myself that if my situation is worse, there are other ppl worse than me. i hv a colleague who is divorced, and she has in tow 3 children. i wondered, how did she managed? can't be that she walked out without feeling the pain? we are all humanbings after all.

like outsider said, u hv to be strong.

we spoke abt the issue again and he sort of pissed liao.said that it's been a mth, and he has moved off, not contating her except for once to clear things up, and i am still at where i am. sigh..i told him, i am not a pc, cannot just press delete button and memory will be gone la!

i guess now i hv to learn to trust him, and not to check his stuff anymore. hv to REN!
 
Dying Heart,

Let me share with you the view from his side.

Your husband is distracted now.

Now is not the right time to expect anything from him, now is not the right time to talk about your problems and now is not the right time to do anything about your marriage.

For now, remember this - Men are different from women in the sense that a man deals with one thing at a time and THE MAN DECIDES which thing he wants to deal with first. Right now, the thing on his mind is not you and you have to wait for your turn, even though you are his wife.

It sounds terrible, I know. But that's how it is. If you push him to deal with or think about you and your marriage now, he will not accept it and you will push him further away.

Dying heart, a woman controls her man by understanding him first.
 
dying heart:
time to leave him. only after leaving him will your recovery begin. if he feels truely remorse, he will ask you to forgive him.

outsider:
"you have to wait for your turn, even though you are his wife" - this seems to justify that something wrong is right. don't think anyone can accept. Think about it, can you accept if your married bf has a new gf (besides you) now?
 
dear mtyh,

whatever you have gone through, my sympathies. No woman deserves to go through what these women in this forum is going through. Nothing in the situation is right, and nothing can justify it.

There are many ways to deal with the situation. I am just offering another perspective. Obviously you have your own way. I respect that.

take care.
 
Micky,

U are right...he is very selfish...he wants to project the gd image of a gd son, gd husband & father to his family members...he bother alot on what his family think of him...

I agree...becos it involves a child...that's why I am hesitating...i also heard from a colleague of mine...her frenz went ahead for the divorce when she realise that she has no more feeling for her hb...it's not easy & won't be so fast...after so long...i thk i only manage to let go abit...sigh...

yes, i think you hv to trust your hb...tell him to give you times as well...trust take mths or even years to build up but it can just a min to break it..sigh...

outsider,

I agree...men need to be understood first...but I hv no ideas what is going on in this man mind now...what is he planning or can i say plotting against me?...he can be hot at one moment & cold the next moment...sigh...

mtyh,

u are right..only after leaving him then my recovery will begin...this is what my mind been thinking but it's not easy to take the 1st step cos i m scare tat i will regret my decision, i must make sure i m really ready...at this moment, i dun think he will do anythgs even if i tell him i m filing for D...he is lost in the passion love btw him & the OW...i m sure D also ever cross him mind...
 
Hi all,

Just want to share that sometimes, whether the marriage can be save or not may depend on why the infidelity happens and the character of the spouse.

An one off affair that happens because of problems in the marriage etc might be salvagable and the marriage may become stronger. But then there are certain suitations where the chances of recovering is extremely low, and even if he leave one OW this time, and you satisfied his every need, there will easily be others. e.g. when the person is a serial cheater and sees the affairs as conquest and is quite happy to stay married to you while he have his playtime.

Look for "Dr. Robert Huizenga" in the internet. He classifies affairs into 7 catgories and explain the chances of salvaging the marriage for each case and how to do it. Of course real life does not fit nicely into the compartments. But do take a look. It does help to decide and guide one on what to do next.
 
Hi Outsider,

Understanding her DH and her DH no longer continues with the affair are 2 seperate timeline. How long should the gap be? 1 - 2 yrs or more?
 
Hi Lin Lin,

I agree with what you say...i manage to find out what lead to the infidelity...but the prob is he don't trust that I am changing for the better & i think his character play a very big part...he himself told me that he is not those faithful type...

Will check out your link. Thanks.
 
Dear Dying Heart,

Stay strong. Your hubby may not be planning anything. He is still stunned that you found out about his infidelity and that he is now in this situation. He is not ready to deal with the issue of what to do next.

As I mentioned, don't raise the issue with your hubby now. Wait for the right time. Now is not the right time. Men deal with one thing at the time.

For example, if he is watching his favourite tv programme, don't ask him to help you wash the dishes. If he is upset about something at work, don't ask him to listen to your complaints about your day. If he is very tired when he comes back from work, give him some time to relax before you tell him that the washing machine broke down. If he is worried about his sick mother, don't ask him to take you shopping.

Wait for your turn. Wait for the right time.

Maybe mytm misunderstood my earlier post when I said wait for your turn. I don't mean that you and the OW take turns, I think mytm got offended about that and I apologise for not making myself clear. What I mean is in a general sense, like the examples above. If you want to discuss the issue with your hubby, you have to wait for the right opportunity, wait for when he is in the right frame of mind to deal with you and what you have to say.

Try to rest a bit. Drink more water. Take care of yourself.
 
Dear outsider,

It been one & a half month since I found out abt his infidelity...I ask him many times on his decision but there are always no answer...end up..i found out that they are so happy together while I m the one who are feeling sad & terrible...i read up the website call marriage builder...it mentions unless the spouse are willing to give up the 3rd parties...otherwise, the marriage can never be salvaged...I thk i m in this type of situation...heading nowhere...
 
Hi outsider,
hmm..well..what can you share with mi and the others?
my prob is tt, my hb's feelings have died off..due to the terrible quarrels with mi last yr abt the issue tt his feelings for mi,has slowly die off.
before the quarrels, he still has some feelings left..but aft those quarrels..no more ...totally zero feelings..
now he wans this family..the most he can treat mi is as good fren n a gd family member..but finds it difficult for us to be a couple again..

n cos he has no feeling n he has such thinking..he cant make effort..n force himself to try to do things to find back the feelings for mi lor..

so i think..this is very difficult to solve..cos feelings are very subjective..some may come back..some may not..

micky,
hmm..in a way..n to a certain extent..i dun really bother..but i still get affected by the things he does..
BUT..i try to distract myself n contol myself n not to think too much..cos i dun hve much capacity to care either..

i hve to take good care of myself n my children for now..

singlemomof3,
yes..i'm finally awake..but the journey is not easy..n i can foresee tt, it will be tough along the way..but i hve decided n keep telling myself i hve to be happy n strong..n i can do it..just need time.

lin lin,
did u order the ebook?i try to search..n they say,i need to buy the ebook leh..
 
dying heart,
no one can tell u what will happen in the future.
no matter how hard i try to revisualised,i cant..
if u can predict the future more or less,u will not have marry him,if u will to noe tt he will do such thing.

so basically..all lies back upon u..can u live like this? do you still want this man n your marriage?what are your plans?
everyone including us..can offer solutions..but ultimately, the one who is doing it are you. you have to decide.

n right now..i think u shd cool urself down 1st..afterall, u oni discover the affair 1 1/2 mth ago? think what do you wan to do.
once decided..u hve to go ahead n do..eg..if u wan to save this marriage..

n once u decided u wan this marriage..in a way..u cant forced him to want it same as u..of cos if he oso wan this marriage..then the repairing work will be easily..
but for the time being..i dun think he has this thinking..sorry to be crude..he has the same thinking as my hb..he is staying for the family n the kids.

once u decided u wanted to get this man back n save ur marriage.
then u hve to do up plan like what staff did..n the most impt thing is tt..when u do..u cant hve any expectation from him. whatever comes along the way..watever treatment n reaction u get from him..u hve to really bite the bullet..n work thru the plan..
n hopefully one day he will come back to u..or there be a day,when u decided, u hve tried ur best..n he still not coming back..hence u wan to leave.

REMEMBER..you cant control him..whatever things u do..u cant expect much from him.
you can oni control n change urself..

time really really heals..but it will take a while..
it took mi very very long..n kena many scoldings from my frens..tt i reached this stage n i thot i will never reach this stage..
i'm still will get distracted by what he does..i still will get my ups n downs.but i try not to focus too much on him n us.

though now,i feel tt the future is very bleak..but i'm still staying ard..cos deep down,i still hope tt i can save this marriage ..
however..i'm not really doing anything to save this marriage now..
the oni thing tt i did..was to keep the hse peaceful..cook,n do little things like change his shaver blade for him etc..other than tt..nope..i did not ask him out as before and i did not talk to him unless necessarily..
cos for the time being..i guess..both of us need time n space..n i need to recover myself n built myself up strong..so tt i can take watever come my way easily..

n if u will to ask for my opinion..nope..u are not ready to leave yet.for mi..i'm not ready to leave yet too..so dun make hasty decision.
i know exactly how u feel..cos i experienced the same feelings..

lets try to be strong..
 
Hi outside,
i forgot to add tt..
in a way,i feel abit disheartening..to mi..marriage n family is separate issue.but they are linked in a way..
a happy family to me means happily married couple n children.

so for mi..besides wanting the family..i oso wan this marriage..hence i wan to try to save n repair..despite what happened so tt we can be couple again..

but for him..marriage is family..cannot separate them..but if i really really want him to separate..n if marriage means being a couple n passion..then he dun hve..cos he thinks tt is hard for us to become couple again..besides him having no more feelings for mi..n after all those things tt have happened..
we just cant go back to the past..n be a couple again.

frankly..i do noe tt he dun hve feelings..n passion..but my thinking is tt if he really wants the family n wants this marriage..he shd have the thought n decision tt he wants to save this marriage despite no feelings..

cos to mi..it is a decision..
u dun make decisions based on ur hve feelings..what will the world become if everything u do n decide must based on feelings..then alot of ppl will D whenever their feelings die..then wats going to happen to the children..
unfortunately..he is a person,must hve feelings then can make decisions n do things..

but again..tt's my own feelings..i cant force him to have the same feelings as mi..

of cos i noe..things will be different..n we definitely cant go back to the past..but for mi..i feel tt, can develop into another kind of feelings mah..but he differs..

hence when staff n some pple told mi tt..feelings will develop n will come back over time..i'm qite skeptical..i dun hve such confidence.

cos if if..feelings can come back n develop over time..then in the 1st plc..the feelings will not die off n become zero liao right?
 
Hi dying heart,

Somoetimes, we need to go beyond what he says to understand what kind of man he is. Give it some time first. Like forgetme not say, one and a half months is really a very short time. You still have not got over the shock of discovery. Take some time to understand what you want and need in marriage and evaluate whether your current marriage can get there. If you are still feelin pain and hurt most of the time over the betrayer, then it might not be the time to leave him yet.

Forget me not, I did not buy the book, but he did give out some free materials once I registered and from there I roughly know what the main types are and some of the strategies. I didn't really put those to test as I have more or less decide my current marriage is the unlikely to be salvage type. Some of his techniques and advise quite useful. I basically have a relatively tranquil houshold under the circumstances.

For those still deciding whether to wait, here's one of his articles that i find quite useful.
http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2008/01/07/infidelity-strategy-how-and-when-to-wait/
Good luck.
 
hi gals,
just want to share something with all of you .
i have someone both parties married , they have been seeing each other for 8 yrs , YET YET.... not a sexual relationship but they have feelings for each other, what kind of relationship is this?
 
Hi forgetmenot,

U are right...i m still not ready to leave cos my feeling for him haven't completely die off yet...but i been thinking alot...frm the day i discover abt the affair, he hv not thot of coming back to me...he never try to treat me nicer...he still continue his relationship with the OW eventhough i m very hurt...lies & more lies to cover up...he dun love me anymore...i ask myself...do i want to stay in this kind of marriage without love ? do i want to spend the rest of my life with this person ? this marriage & this person is no longer perfect...my answer is NO...& i thk i will leave one day...

I try to focus on myself & my bb last wkend...i feel much better...btw, i m also going to sign up for the rainbow support grp...too bad, they r going to postpone it till after CNY....else, can mtg u up earlier...

Hi Lin Lin,

I am feeling better now...it's really a shock for me when i realise what kind of person my hb is after spending 9 yrs with him...i really hope that I can walk out & hv my peace & happiness when I am ready...
 
Dear forgetmenot,

Reading your latest posts, I see that you are considering your next move and you have not made up your mind.

You are feeling negatively yet deep down you want to save your marriage. You are not doing anything to rock the boat further but you are not doing anything to improve it. You have moved away from blaming your husband for the affair but you still blame him for not trying to save the marriage.

All this is natural. Having come through the first phase of intense emotional upheaval, now is the phase of consideration and contemplation.

Do consider carefully and take as much time as you need.

You yourself know what you have to decide before you can proceed to do anything. As you have said to dying heart:

"do you still want this man n your marriage? what are your plans?"

If your decision is to leave, then don't look back. Just keep going, live your life, be happy. Things will work out.

If your decision is to stay, then you yourself have put it quite well in your post to dying heart:

"once u decided u wanted to get this man back n save ur marriage. then u hve to do up plan like what staff did..n the most impt thing is tt..when u do..u cant hve any expectation from him. whatever comes along the way..watever treatment n reaction u get from him..u hve to really bite the bullet..n work thru the plan.. n hopefully one day he will come back to u..or there be a day,when u decided, u hve tried ur best..n he still not coming back..hence u wan to leave."

I completely agree with this plan of action (staff's plan) because it is consistent with what my bf tells me about what he wants and what makes him happy. This is what I can help you with if you want.

But you have to make your decision first. Take your time, think it through and consider all options.

You will find your way in time.
 
Hi ladies,

Another day...today is feeling kinda down...very emotional...happy feeling seems to be very far away from me...sigh...
 
dyingheart
be strong, it's not easy and it's normal to feel emotional. I'm feeling that way too ever since i found out about the fling. So i can imagine ur pain.

My hubby is now overseas and I get more paranoid and feeling more depressed and down. I am supposed to trust him but it will take time to build and hopefully time will heal. I cannot imagine the extent of hurt and damage he will cause if he ever really stray, as in going to bed with someone else. I don't think I will be able to forgive, even if so, i will never recover from that episode. Man are so selfish.

I keep telling myself to believe what he says but sometime when i think back, the story just don't gel and i will feel very sad....

Man just don't understand that PAIN they caused us.
 
Hi Micky,

Yes, it's very PAINFUL...your mind will run wild esp when the trust is broke...even they r telling the truth...u will also think it's bluff one...

My hb sms me on Mon & say that he did it in a fit of anger & this make him guilt for life...no matter who he choose...he is guilty...he cannot give up me & my bb...he has mess up my life & crush the family...i m the innocent party..frankly speaking, i duno whether he really mean wat he says...i duno whether he is telling me all these so tat i will b soft hearted & stop my parents from exposing him...

I can't stop him from seeing the OW...if he want us, he nd to break off with her cos i can't share him with the OW...

It's very painful thinking of having to go to thru the process of D...but i can't keep living in this kind of marriage life...whereby, hb not at hm most of the times...no intimacy btw us...another woman....sigh...

I nd the strength to walk out...
 
dyingheart
yes, it is indeed very painful, like now my hubby is overseas, my mind run wild, wondering if he is calling or msn her. But even if he is Singapore, he also can do that..sigh

I think maybe your hubby sees the real situation now and he himself does not know what to do, coz he wants both sides. Maybe give him some time to think through, I'm pretty sure you will emerge as the woman he want to spend his life with. It's just a moment of infatuation and he cannot see things clearly, he will wake up. But of coz, set a timeframe for that, it will be unfair for u to stay in this marriage hoping for his change of heart for too long. I cannot tell u how long u shld wait, you will need to decide this urself.

sigh...now the slightest bo chap attitude from him makes me sad, I'm tellingmyself cannot behave like that coz he will be very stress by all my demands, but i'm in moment of weakness now, and i need the assurance to go on also. Like when he sms me, but did not put 'dear', i also upset...think i will get depression very soon
 
Hi dying heart,

the positive part is that he seems to still have some honest communication with you. As long as you guys can talk about it and there is genuine sharing of feelings then there is hope that intimacy can be rebuilt. Mine is in complete denial and tell me I am too imaginative and making things up.

As for the telling of his parents. Well, don't stop your parents from doing it. This kind of thing thrives in secrecy and there is no reason why you should suffer in silence.
 


Micky,

There is no ways to ctrl them if they want to do it...just like me...i can't stop my hb from contacting & seeing the OW...I really hv to work on my part to stop thinking abt thgs btw them...then i will feel happier...

Agree but he is very selfish...at the end of the day, i m the one who is at the losing end...this thgs can go on for years...it's very unhealthy...the kind of mental stress can make u go crazy...that why, i decide to join the rainbow support grp...hopefully, can make me see the light & walk out of this nightmare...

i can understd your lack of confidence & paranoid...dun worry...ur hb oredi reassure u that he won't let the cyber woman come into your family...

ur case is so much better than mine...my hb always talk abt he won't give up his family...he won't abandon me...but only talk, no action to prove...
 

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