i recently found out my hubby cheated on me wheni was inm y last trim. I think i might have post natal blues as on and off my emotion is up and down.
I have been thinking of ways to "sabotage" the woman and to ruin her reputation. If not, I feel really angry and want to let it out. Is this normal? Should I proceed?
I have been thinking of ways to "sabotage" the woman and to ruin her reputation. If not, I feel really angry and want to let it out. Is this normal? Should I proceed?
mooonfairy
New Member
any recommendations for marriage counsellor pls pm me
wittywildone
New Member
I don't know if my post here would be appreciated / welcome but my intention in posting in this forum is to offer everyone some insight on why a man cheats on his wife. Ok, so here's my story...
I am a 30-year old professional, married to a wonderful man for the last 7 years and we have 2 kids, 5 & 3. For the last year and a half, I have been having an affair with another man. He is also married with 2 children of his own.
Initially I had no intentions of being with this other man but I guess I finally succumbed to the temptation and we started our little secret romance. We have gone on trips together, declared our love for each other and we have explored leaving our marriages to be with each other. To say that the relationship and the issues involved is complicated is an understatement.
I constantly ask myself what it was that made me start having an affair with another man and till today I can't come up with an answer. It was not one single reason but a variety of factors I guess. My husband travels alot for work, and which woman does not like attention from a man? I married young and reckon that when I got married, I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong - I love my husband (yes, its possible to be in love with 2 men at the same time)and I think that my kids are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. This other man is of the same profession as me and we have interests that are more aligned than my husband and I. He makes me laugh and he takes care of me and he makes me feel beautiful.
I was pretty sure that he was going through some mid-life crisis when we first started out - he is 12 years my senior but we have both come to realise that nothing founded just on sex would have lasted this long. We are in love with each other but I don't think that we will ever leave our marriages - to do so would upset the balance of things and both of us can't afford to be involved in a scandal...The plan is to stop but when we are going to stop remains an open-ended question.
Affairs are not always about the sex - most times they are about fulfilling something that you are not getting with your spouse. No one plans to have an affair - it really just does happen. I am one of those people who believes that everybody you meet has been put in your path for a reason. And I would advise all you women out there to stop being naive and trusting of your husbands. If something feels wrong, it is wrong. These are some of the signs that your husband is having an affair:
1. He is very protective of his handphone and takes it with him everywhere.
2. He starts travelling more frequently for work or starts taking golf trips with friends you have never heard of or met.
3. He re-directs his phone and credit card bills to his office.
4. He starts paying sudden attention to the way he looks and may be grooming himself more or buying new clothes etc. when he was not so concerned before.
5. He starts experimenting with you in bed and asks if what he's doing feels good etc.
6. He is extra-loving to you and the children out of guilt.
7. He appears depressed / pissed for no apparent reason and when you ask him why he tells you that its work or gives you some bogus reasons.
8. When you are out and you call him the background sounds very quiet, if he answers the phone at all.
That's what I can think of just off the cuff. I don't think its very helpful to confront the other woman or humiliate her or your husband or retaliate or take revenge or whatever. This may drive your husband away from you completely. I don't know if talking about it with your spouse will help. I think that you have to look at why your husband started having an affair in the first place. And wives immediately think - What did I do? or What does she have that I don't? To think those things I feel is stupid. Like I said its never always about one thing, its a combination of factors and it is never about the way the wife looks or the lack of sex or how the other woman is better than the wife. I hope I am making sense.
Don't think marriage counsellors can make a difference in your life. They are merely facilitators and they cannot control / dictate how people should feel about one another.
Hope what I have said makes sense.
I am a 30-year old professional, married to a wonderful man for the last 7 years and we have 2 kids, 5 & 3. For the last year and a half, I have been having an affair with another man. He is also married with 2 children of his own.
Initially I had no intentions of being with this other man but I guess I finally succumbed to the temptation and we started our little secret romance. We have gone on trips together, declared our love for each other and we have explored leaving our marriages to be with each other. To say that the relationship and the issues involved is complicated is an understatement.
I constantly ask myself what it was that made me start having an affair with another man and till today I can't come up with an answer. It was not one single reason but a variety of factors I guess. My husband travels alot for work, and which woman does not like attention from a man? I married young and reckon that when I got married, I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong - I love my husband (yes, its possible to be in love with 2 men at the same time)and I think that my kids are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. This other man is of the same profession as me and we have interests that are more aligned than my husband and I. He makes me laugh and he takes care of me and he makes me feel beautiful.
I was pretty sure that he was going through some mid-life crisis when we first started out - he is 12 years my senior but we have both come to realise that nothing founded just on sex would have lasted this long. We are in love with each other but I don't think that we will ever leave our marriages - to do so would upset the balance of things and both of us can't afford to be involved in a scandal...The plan is to stop but when we are going to stop remains an open-ended question.
Affairs are not always about the sex - most times they are about fulfilling something that you are not getting with your spouse. No one plans to have an affair - it really just does happen. I am one of those people who believes that everybody you meet has been put in your path for a reason. And I would advise all you women out there to stop being naive and trusting of your husbands. If something feels wrong, it is wrong. These are some of the signs that your husband is having an affair:
1. He is very protective of his handphone and takes it with him everywhere.
2. He starts travelling more frequently for work or starts taking golf trips with friends you have never heard of or met.
3. He re-directs his phone and credit card bills to his office.
4. He starts paying sudden attention to the way he looks and may be grooming himself more or buying new clothes etc. when he was not so concerned before.
5. He starts experimenting with you in bed and asks if what he's doing feels good etc.
6. He is extra-loving to you and the children out of guilt.
7. He appears depressed / pissed for no apparent reason and when you ask him why he tells you that its work or gives you some bogus reasons.
8. When you are out and you call him the background sounds very quiet, if he answers the phone at all.
That's what I can think of just off the cuff. I don't think its very helpful to confront the other woman or humiliate her or your husband or retaliate or take revenge or whatever. This may drive your husband away from you completely. I don't know if talking about it with your spouse will help. I think that you have to look at why your husband started having an affair in the first place. And wives immediately think - What did I do? or What does she have that I don't? To think those things I feel is stupid. Like I said its never always about one thing, its a combination of factors and it is never about the way the wife looks or the lack of sex or how the other woman is better than the wife. I hope I am making sense.
Don't think marriage counsellors can make a difference in your life. They are merely facilitators and they cannot control / dictate how people should feel about one another.
Hope what I have said makes sense.
inlimbonow
New Member
wittywildone is right, consellors wouldn't make a difference in your life when you are dealing with a selfish individual who is willing to hurt you and your kids to satisfy their own self fulfillment. Consellors won't make a difference when an individual think that when they make the choice to say their vow to love their spouse and forsake all others it is only until they meet someone else who can make them feel more attractive and who have interests that are more aligned than thier current spouse.
Its not the betrayed spouse problem that the other person choose to cheat. Things in the marriage might have contribute to the affair but that is no excuse. Marriage is about respect and commitment and a choice to love, honor, comfort some one exclusively.
For those who are betrayed, its good to look in ward on what went wrong but do not settled if your spouse do not take responsibility of their actions, end the affair and commit to change for the marriage. Conselling can only help to heal the marriage if the spouse really repent and end the affair.
Make a choice in your life. - your spouse might come back or may be they won't but they have to make their own decision that they are willing to change. Other wise, don't waste your time and your life.
My husband had cheated on me and its not untill the divorce letter is in his hand that he asked me to reconsider. I am reconsidering for the sake of my son but he will have to prove himself and earn my trust and respect back first.
wittywildone, hope you or your partner in adultry won't find yourself in the position where your marriage is broken and your children have to grow up in a single parent family because of your selfishness. Alot of people, not just you and your lover's spouse and kids will be hurt in the process. My inlaws cried when they learn of my decision to divorce and the reason. You have managed to cheat for almost 2 years without getting caught. Don't count on it, no matter how much your spouses trust you, theses things will eventually be out in the open. And your spouses might not be forgiving enough to give you a 2nd chance.
Its not the betrayed spouse problem that the other person choose to cheat. Things in the marriage might have contribute to the affair but that is no excuse. Marriage is about respect and commitment and a choice to love, honor, comfort some one exclusively.
For those who are betrayed, its good to look in ward on what went wrong but do not settled if your spouse do not take responsibility of their actions, end the affair and commit to change for the marriage. Conselling can only help to heal the marriage if the spouse really repent and end the affair.
Make a choice in your life. - your spouse might come back or may be they won't but they have to make their own decision that they are willing to change. Other wise, don't waste your time and your life.
My husband had cheated on me and its not untill the divorce letter is in his hand that he asked me to reconsider. I am reconsidering for the sake of my son but he will have to prove himself and earn my trust and respect back first.
wittywildone, hope you or your partner in adultry won't find yourself in the position where your marriage is broken and your children have to grow up in a single parent family because of your selfishness. Alot of people, not just you and your lover's spouse and kids will be hurt in the process. My inlaws cried when they learn of my decision to divorce and the reason. You have managed to cheat for almost 2 years without getting caught. Don't count on it, no matter how much your spouses trust you, theses things will eventually be out in the open. And your spouses might not be forgiving enough to give you a 2nd chance.
winterbaby
New Member
It's heart breaking to read this thread.
I hope all women out there do have a good ending, gosh.. dragging is tormenting, mentally torturous..
well, my childhood is a nightmare as dad has other women. They finally divorce when i was 22 year-old. For goodness sake, i am happy that it ended that way. Don't drag it if you can't, just let go. It will be better for you and those you love.
I hope all women out there do have a good ending, gosh.. dragging is tormenting, mentally torturous..
well, my childhood is a nightmare as dad has other women. They finally divorce when i was 22 year-old. For goodness sake, i am happy that it ended that way. Don't drag it if you can't, just let go. It will be better for you and those you love.
wittywildone
New Member
I am keeping the affair as far away from my family as I can. I am in love with 2 men. One because he makes me a better person and the other because he gave me my children. My intent has never been to hurt anyone. Not him, his wife or kids and certainly not my family. I want to stop but I am gutless. I don't know how....or maybe I'm just too afraid of the consequences...I know that this will not last forever and the truth will out. Am just hoping to spare the children and that I am brave enough to face the consequences. Am truly guilty....
wittywildone
New Member
Having an affair does not make me a better person...in fact I know I am an awful person for doing it. HE makes me a better person...
wittywildone,
i dun wanna judge anyone..cld it be the reason why you feel that the third party makes you a better person is because you hv overlooked all the pblems that you cld hv wif him if you too are together like hb and wife...
smtimes we are wif the third party bec we are happy and free of worries but when they become part of yr life and thgs like bills, children studies come into play..u wld feel the same wif the third part as well...
anyway, older men cld like younger women as a trophy for their own egos..not saying your case lah...just in general...
i dun wanna judge anyone..cld it be the reason why you feel that the third party makes you a better person is because you hv overlooked all the pblems that you cld hv wif him if you too are together like hb and wife...
smtimes we are wif the third party bec we are happy and free of worries but when they become part of yr life and thgs like bills, children studies come into play..u wld feel the same wif the third part as well...
anyway, older men cld like younger women as a trophy for their own egos..not saying your case lah...just in general...
wittywildone,
And I asked "what kind of consequences will you face if you end the affair?"
You can be a better person on your own eg volunteering for spca or old folks home etc...they're ALWAYS in need of people.Make good
use of your time when your husband is travelling or working.
Not trying to be judgemental here, simply laying out the facts
And I asked "what kind of consequences will you face if you end the affair?"
You can be a better person on your own eg volunteering for spca or old folks home etc...they're ALWAYS in need of people.Make good
use of your time when your husband is travelling or working.
Not trying to be judgemental here, simply laying out the facts
wittywildone
New Member
Teh Halia, I am very conscious of the fact that if me and the third party were married and had kids we may very well be going through all the hassles ie bills, kids' schools, maid problems, in-laws etc. I guess marriage and kids will do that to any couple but not everyone goes out and decides to have an affair....I bloody don't remember how it was with me and my hubby when we were just a couple. We lived together as man and wife for 3 years before my son was born and I did not see any issues....
Ambrosial, appreciate that you are laying out the facts and not being judgmental...I guess I want to experience the feeling of "being in love" a little longer...remember that feeling you used to get? I've had the feeling with this man for 2 years now and it doesn't want to seem to diminish...I am reluctant to let go because I keep thinking - What if this is the man who was meant to be for me and that hubby was an accidental placing?
The nature of what I do professionally and who I am as a person makes me a very objective person naturally....I see things in black and white....I know the facts, I know what I do is wrong, I know the solution - Its just that I can't bloody seem to execute it....
Anyways this is not about me....I was merely offering some food for thought about the people who have extra marital affairs...and what they go through on a daily basis....
Its extremely emotionally draining to have an affair...one minute you are on a high and the next minute you are down...there have been times where I get soo bloody upset that he has gone off on a weekend trip with his wife or when he tells me that he can't talk to me because the wife is around...I know he gets upset too (although he pretends not to be!) when I go off with my husband for holidays or I don't text him at nights....he has ever told me that the thought of me having sex with my husband makes him sick....
Ambrosial, appreciate that you are laying out the facts and not being judgmental...I guess I want to experience the feeling of "being in love" a little longer...remember that feeling you used to get? I've had the feeling with this man for 2 years now and it doesn't want to seem to diminish...I am reluctant to let go because I keep thinking - What if this is the man who was meant to be for me and that hubby was an accidental placing?
The nature of what I do professionally and who I am as a person makes me a very objective person naturally....I see things in black and white....I know the facts, I know what I do is wrong, I know the solution - Its just that I can't bloody seem to execute it....
Anyways this is not about me....I was merely offering some food for thought about the people who have extra marital affairs...and what they go through on a daily basis....
Its extremely emotionally draining to have an affair...one minute you are on a high and the next minute you are down...there have been times where I get soo bloody upset that he has gone off on a weekend trip with his wife or when he tells me that he can't talk to me because the wife is around...I know he gets upset too (although he pretends not to be!) when I go off with my husband for holidays or I don't text him at nights....he has ever told me that the thought of me having sex with my husband makes him sick....
hi wittywildone, my husband told me the same thing when i found out his affair. I can understand how does all this feeling of being love is so great as compare to when u face the reality of feeling at home. But all this is on other people expenses, kid and close family members. Spare a though for ur kids and husband. Is really heart pain to see my parent, my in-laws cry when they know. In long run, what will last is the relationship with ur family and kids. I am much in love with my husband, till now eventhough he is unfaithfull but i am still love him. He told me, the feeling for that women is realy pure love no responsibility and other to tag along. Like many other affair, he said he fell free and relax when with her. I understand the feeling of love because i am still love him and tat is why i let him go. We are in the process of divorcing hope will be a smooth one. Will the feeling of love only last forever ? I believe for a couple to stay togther is love, responsiblity, caring and etc.
wittywildone,
I am contented with commitment and stability in the marriage..don't crave for head-over-heels love kind of feeling.
I also see things in black and white.Either I give in my best in my marriage or divorce, no 2 ways about it, all or nothing.
Just curious, does the other guy truly respect and love you?Will your husband respect you in future if he finds out about the affair?
Seriously, I cant imagine having sex with 2 men.
I am contented with commitment and stability in the marriage..don't crave for head-over-heels love kind of feeling.
I also see things in black and white.Either I give in my best in my marriage or divorce, no 2 ways about it, all or nothing.
Just curious, does the other guy truly respect and love you?Will your husband respect you in future if he finds out about the affair?
Seriously, I cant imagine having sex with 2 men.
sunbloom
Member
Let me share with another angle. My father had more than one affairs before. As a kid, I grew up angry and upset. Angry because dad chose to his pleasures and momentary pleasures about love of family. Not that he dun love me, in fact, I was his favorite. His last affair was when I already a young adult. I refused to speak to him for months. Before the meltdown, I stood by him believing that he has mended his ways and will not do anything to hurt me. I was dead wrong. My mom had to prove it to me and I cried. Not only because I was sad over the selfishness but also the lies. Back then, it broke my trust in him and I cannot respect him.
It is more than putting your kids thru divorce and pain of having to choose between dad and mom. It is trust broken and a family, trust in the foundation of love.
It is more than putting your kids thru divorce and pain of having to choose between dad and mom. It is trust broken and a family, trust in the foundation of love.
I agreed with Sunbloom. The kids is the one that suffered most. I told my husband, time will heal both of us but not the kids. The facts of growing up in the single parenhood and their parent divorce will follow them forever. The impact on them will be there. I am paying attentioin on the emotion and behaviour change for my 5 yrs old girl, is really heart pain to see her go through this. I think she suffer as much as i do.
inlimbonow
New Member
thinky, would you stay knowing your husband cheat on you rather than getting a divorce? There will be effects on the children, but so will having having a cheating lying person as a role model.
Somethimes, I wish my hb had wanted a divorce and let me go. Things would have been easier in a way. When he promises to change and claim the affair endeded, and he will stop going for sex services and they only have a working relationship; I have given him the benefit of the doubt and given him a chance. Well, I think all that change is the girl dump him and he is deleting his smses and covering his track better. They were still very friendly and he stills visit sex services. He does treats me better than he ever had, taking me to expensive places and giving me expensive gifts and being nice, making it seem as if he love me. But then, I know better. There is no intimacy and he is still secretive and enquiring into sexual servcies. knowing he is probably still cheating and there is no true love in the relationship make me feel very negative all the time.
But now, after so many attempts..it is more difficult to leave as my son is becoming a toddler and bonding very well with him and with him treating me better, I don't have the courage to pursue the divorce again.
To outsiders,we probably look like a happy family. To me, it's like having to make a choice to give my son a seemingly happy family at the expense of losing my opportunity of happiness as a woman.
Somethimes, I wish my hb had wanted a divorce and let me go. Things would have been easier in a way. When he promises to change and claim the affair endeded, and he will stop going for sex services and they only have a working relationship; I have given him the benefit of the doubt and given him a chance. Well, I think all that change is the girl dump him and he is deleting his smses and covering his track better. They were still very friendly and he stills visit sex services. He does treats me better than he ever had, taking me to expensive places and giving me expensive gifts and being nice, making it seem as if he love me. But then, I know better. There is no intimacy and he is still secretive and enquiring into sexual servcies. knowing he is probably still cheating and there is no true love in the relationship make me feel very negative all the time.
But now, after so many attempts..it is more difficult to leave as my son is becoming a toddler and bonding very well with him and with him treating me better, I don't have the courage to pursue the divorce again.
To outsiders,we probably look like a happy family. To me, it's like having to make a choice to give my son a seemingly happy family at the expense of losing my opportunity of happiness as a woman.
singlemomof3
Member
A leopard never changes its spots.
I caught my ex trying to start an affair with an old school friend about 8 years ago, when I was home on hospitalization leave. Fortunately, the OW knew he was married and the affair barely started. He swore it was a mistake and would never happen again. That he was angry cos all his leave was taken to see me in hospital and never to have "fun". As we already had two young children and I had medical problems and was already in danger of losing my job, I forgave him and we moved on.
Fast forward through more hospitalizations, my severe depression, and our third child being born...
I uncovered more affairs. He'd just gotten better at hiding them. So I just had to get better at uncovering them.
I went after every woman, via sms and calls. They all eventually left him, after learning he was a married man with three children.
He just got bolder. He didn't care any more.
This last one, a local uni grad, chose to stick by him. Poor fool.
Anyway, he insisted on a divorce and I gave it to him. To skip the sordid details, let's just say there was more than enough evidence that he wanted me out of his life... he said wanted to be a bachelor again. (which is kinda strange considering that he's marrying his latest mistress)
When this whole thing exploded three years ago, they were upset. They are now in upper primary, the youngest is five. They don't understand why papa had girlfriends and now is marrying one of them. I have to reinforce morals - that it is wrong to lie (yes he lied to them, many many times) that a married man does not have girlfriends and certainly should never abandon his children.
The middle boy hated me. He thought I chased his papa away. I'm still struggling with him daily though fortunately, he is starting to see his father for the heartless moron that he is.
Children can sense when things are not right. We seldom give them enough credit. Now that we are settled down as a household of mom and children, I dare say we are much happier and more at peace than before. Before the arguments and the open affairs, before the silent hidden affairs and disgruntled father even.
My five year old used to cry at night for his father. Now when he sees him, he just goes "oh. hi papa" and walks off. He has adapted.
Give him a chance? Sure. But when he is the fool, don't you make yourself the fool too.
I caught my ex trying to start an affair with an old school friend about 8 years ago, when I was home on hospitalization leave. Fortunately, the OW knew he was married and the affair barely started. He swore it was a mistake and would never happen again. That he was angry cos all his leave was taken to see me in hospital and never to have "fun". As we already had two young children and I had medical problems and was already in danger of losing my job, I forgave him and we moved on.
Fast forward through more hospitalizations, my severe depression, and our third child being born...
I uncovered more affairs. He'd just gotten better at hiding them. So I just had to get better at uncovering them.
I went after every woman, via sms and calls. They all eventually left him, after learning he was a married man with three children.
He just got bolder. He didn't care any more.
This last one, a local uni grad, chose to stick by him. Poor fool.
Anyway, he insisted on a divorce and I gave it to him. To skip the sordid details, let's just say there was more than enough evidence that he wanted me out of his life... he said wanted to be a bachelor again. (which is kinda strange considering that he's marrying his latest mistress)
When this whole thing exploded three years ago, they were upset. They are now in upper primary, the youngest is five. They don't understand why papa had girlfriends and now is marrying one of them. I have to reinforce morals - that it is wrong to lie (yes he lied to them, many many times) that a married man does not have girlfriends and certainly should never abandon his children.
The middle boy hated me. He thought I chased his papa away. I'm still struggling with him daily though fortunately, he is starting to see his father for the heartless moron that he is.
Children can sense when things are not right. We seldom give them enough credit. Now that we are settled down as a household of mom and children, I dare say we are much happier and more at peace than before. Before the arguments and the open affairs, before the silent hidden affairs and disgruntled father even.
My five year old used to cry at night for his father. Now when he sees him, he just goes "oh. hi papa" and walks off. He has adapted.
Give him a chance? Sure. But when he is the fool, don't you make yourself the fool too.
Lin Lin, we decided to divorce becoz he said he had no more feeling for me and he want to live his life. We both agreed that, if both of us are not happy together for sure we will not be able to provide the kid a happy family too. Hence he decided to divorce. I feel very very sorry to both my kids. I will try my best to give a lot lot of love to my kids eventhough i know damage is done, i just try to minimise them.
Singlemomof3, can share how u help ur kid to get through the phase ? Mine is 5yr girl and 1yr boy.
Singlemomof3, can share how u help ur kid to get through the phase ? Mine is 5yr girl and 1yr boy.
inlimbonow
New Member
Singlemomof3, I too think that the leapord doesn't change his spots..I guess in a way its holding on to hope that he might really change.
I am sorry that your husband misuse the chances you gave him. How is your health now? Hope that the foolish husband of yours is at least paying for the kids.
For me, a possible scenario like yours is exactly what I am afraid of. I still have not withdraw my divorce petition yet. Its just hard to proceed now he is treating me so nice and spending more time at home and with my son. But it is also hard to move on with him because the issues are all not dealt with.
His folks want him to go to church and think that will change him for the better. They seem to support me but then after the initial promises some things just don't feel right. I guess everybody just want to foget about it quickly and expect me to be the stron wive that love my husband unconditionally. When I started to hold the procceedings I promised my self to pursue if he doesn't abided by the terms... go conseling, be honest with what happened, give up his email passwords, go for check up etc and he had agreed. But so far (its been a month) non of this have come true. He just want to do things his own way..(buy his way out?)
thinky, although, I feel that it is very hard to divorce, at least your ex is willing to make a decision admit to his feelings. For me, I feel that although my hb says he want to start over and work on us, he also prob don have much feeling for me either. I feel he just want to hold on to me for comfort and for my son. But he refuse to admit that and we are just not really "improving".
I am sorry that your husband misuse the chances you gave him. How is your health now? Hope that the foolish husband of yours is at least paying for the kids.
For me, a possible scenario like yours is exactly what I am afraid of. I still have not withdraw my divorce petition yet. Its just hard to proceed now he is treating me so nice and spending more time at home and with my son. But it is also hard to move on with him because the issues are all not dealt with.
His folks want him to go to church and think that will change him for the better. They seem to support me but then after the initial promises some things just don't feel right. I guess everybody just want to foget about it quickly and expect me to be the stron wive that love my husband unconditionally. When I started to hold the procceedings I promised my self to pursue if he doesn't abided by the terms... go conseling, be honest with what happened, give up his email passwords, go for check up etc and he had agreed. But so far (its been a month) non of this have come true. He just want to do things his own way..(buy his way out?)
thinky, although, I feel that it is very hard to divorce, at least your ex is willing to make a decision admit to his feelings. For me, I feel that although my hb says he want to start over and work on us, he also prob don have much feeling for me either. I feel he just want to hold on to me for comfort and for my son. But he refuse to admit that and we are just not really "improving".
Lin Lin, just give more time to two of u, thing might change, who know! But u must also prepare for the worst too. Is realy hard tat one hand try to patch back but the other hand is prepare for divorce. I been through the phase, i try to salvage the situation but is only me alone hence i had given up and decide to move on.
It's been some time since I posted in this thread. I had given birth to my bb girl in Jan. While the load from the tummy is released, the heart matters and the responsibilities gets heavier.
I realised that I was still living in denial even though I had posted in my last post stating my decision to divorce. Of cos,who wants a marriage to end in a divorce?
But I guess no one really do understand the struggles of a wife who was betrayed, a mother who wants the best for her kids etc. Only those who had went through all these struggles will really understand the heart ache that we are put through, issn't it? I am really thankful that I found this thread and know that someone here will understand how I really feel.
My divorce proceedings are processing. It's so hard to cope with bb alone, and it breaks me when I have to handle every single errand myself, with no man to help. I felt alone even now, and fear the future too.
Singlemomof3, we "met" in the other thread. And, your strength touched me. To me, handling 1 bb is hard enough, and you, have to handle 3 of them. I have got a lot of things to learn from you.
Maybe we single mums shld meet someday? It's good to have people around who understand the pain without having to put them in words..
I realised that I was still living in denial even though I had posted in my last post stating my decision to divorce. Of cos,who wants a marriage to end in a divorce?
But I guess no one really do understand the struggles of a wife who was betrayed, a mother who wants the best for her kids etc. Only those who had went through all these struggles will really understand the heart ache that we are put through, issn't it? I am really thankful that I found this thread and know that someone here will understand how I really feel.
My divorce proceedings are processing. It's so hard to cope with bb alone, and it breaks me when I have to handle every single errand myself, with no man to help. I felt alone even now, and fear the future too.
Singlemomof3, we "met" in the other thread. And, your strength touched me. To me, handling 1 bb is hard enough, and you, have to handle 3 of them. I have got a lot of things to learn from you.
Maybe we single mums shld meet someday? It's good to have people around who understand the pain without having to put them in words..
crossroad, be strong for your daughter. it's so sad that some men can be so heartless.
may the good Lord bless you and protect your child. may he cont to hold you in his arms and comfort you whenever you may feel lonely. may his heart be with you to warm you up whenever you feel cold. God bless.
may the good Lord bless you and protect your child. may he cont to hold you in his arms and comfort you whenever you may feel lonely. may his heart be with you to warm you up whenever you feel cold. God bless.
singlemomof3
Member
thinky: I had to do a lot of damage control. He had brought my younger children (then age 3 and 7) out with OW and told them not to tell mommy. I eventually found out of course. It was a difficult period for me and I could have handled it better. Daddy was their guardian angel since I was ill and depressed. The younger two resented me especially after he moved out. They saw me as the bad one who chased their papa out. But the younger one adapted easily. After all, he seldom saw daddy and mommy was always there for him. The middle one is quiet and aloof. Their father disappears for months. Whenever he came to see them, they'd be all over him and for about 2 weeks after each visit, all three would be absolute complete brats. I wished so hard he would just stay away.
All three eventually realised that mommy is here to stay and daddy prefers his new girlfriend.
Basically what I did was be there for them. Coax the older two to talk to me. Show them that I, too, was hurt by their father leaving. I had to be very careful not to badmouth him, after all he is still their father. Besides, they would eventually see him for what he is.
The younger they are, the less they understand but the better they adapt. Set up a routine so they know what to expect when. If there are changes to schedules, try to explain in advance and often. When my youngest realised that daddy had really left and was not staying with us anyway, he was always worried that I would disappear too. I had to tell him where I was going and why and when I'd be back. He'd cry when he had to stay with my parents when I was busy with a work project, wanting mommy and I had to talk to him on the phone assuring him that I was at work and would see him the next evening. Now he had memorised my mobile number and calls me whenever he misses me which can be dreadfully often -.-'
Tell them and show them endlessly that you love them and are there for them!!!
All three eventually realised that mommy is here to stay and daddy prefers his new girlfriend.
Basically what I did was be there for them. Coax the older two to talk to me. Show them that I, too, was hurt by their father leaving. I had to be very careful not to badmouth him, after all he is still their father. Besides, they would eventually see him for what he is.
The younger they are, the less they understand but the better they adapt. Set up a routine so they know what to expect when. If there are changes to schedules, try to explain in advance and often. When my youngest realised that daddy had really left and was not staying with us anyway, he was always worried that I would disappear too. I had to tell him where I was going and why and when I'd be back. He'd cry when he had to stay with my parents when I was busy with a work project, wanting mommy and I had to talk to him on the phone assuring him that I was at work and would see him the next evening. Now he had memorised my mobile number and calls me whenever he misses me which can be dreadfully often -.-'
Tell them and show them endlessly that you love them and are there for them!!!
singlemomof3
Member
Lin Lin: My health is much better, thanks. Yes, he's paying maintenance but it is barely enough. I thank God that he is at least paying it!
Set the terms and stick to them. At least he is willing to say that he wants to give it a try! Trust lost is very hard to recover. Church would help and supportive relatives are helpful too. Have you considered marital counselling?
You're right: At least thinky's path is set.
Marriage is more than just feelings. It's about two people's commitment to working together. Sort of a contract you know? What do YOU want?
Set the terms and stick to them. At least he is willing to say that he wants to give it a try! Trust lost is very hard to recover. Church would help and supportive relatives are helpful too. Have you considered marital counselling?
You're right: At least thinky's path is set.
Marriage is more than just feelings. It's about two people's commitment to working together. Sort of a contract you know? What do YOU want?
singlemomof3
Member
Sarah: men are heartless by nature.
crossroad: yes I'd love to meet up
I'm glad to find this forum and know that I am not alone.
crossroad: yes I'd love to meet up
I'm glad to find this forum and know that I am not alone.
wittywildone, i don't know how you can live life like this. wouldn't your conscience at least make you wana change? wat is the consequences of this? you may end up losing not only your husband but your children as well. being "THE OTHER ONE" seems so degrading to me. do go for counselling pls. you could also go for one of those marriage courses. you'll learn tat marriage is a commitment. it's a DECISION you made when you and your husband took the vow. i will never put myself in a situation where someone would call me a slut (not tat i'm saying you are). but if you are ever found out, someone would eventually call you such names.
inlimbonow
New Member
singlemomof3, thinky (thinky)
: Yes, I also feel that trust loss is very hard to recover. Singlemomof3, We actually started conseling in dec because that is one of the conditions I gave, but until now, he had only been to 2 sessions..keep using his job as an excuse. For me I also agree that marrige is a contract..but by cheating, he have broken that conract and I feel that for my end, it contract is no longer valid. I want the best chance of happiness for my child and myself, and also for the foolish hb of mine. But most of the time, I don't feel that we can really be happy by staying together...at least not for me.
: Yes, I also feel that trust loss is very hard to recover. Singlemomof3, We actually started conseling in dec because that is one of the conditions I gave, but until now, he had only been to 2 sessions..keep using his job as an excuse. For me I also agree that marrige is a contract..but by cheating, he have broken that conract and I feel that for my end, it contract is no longer valid. I want the best chance of happiness for my child and myself, and also for the foolish hb of mine. But most of the time, I don't feel that we can really be happy by staying together...at least not for me.
singlemomof3
Member
Lin Lin, it's hard when he *says* he wants to stay together but his actions prove otherwise. But you have to honestly give him a chance. Put aside your negative thoughts (that you don't feel that you can be happy together). Lay out the terms with him clearly so he can't give excuses. And give it a good go. You have to be able to look back and said that you REALLY TRIED.
I know that when I was doing that, desperately tried to save my marriage, he hurt me more than ever. But I can look people in the eye and tell them that he wanted out, not me.
Even better, my family (and his) could tell that he was the one who refused to make amends. Even his brother scolded him very badly over it.
crossroad: i've updated my profile
I know that when I was doing that, desperately tried to save my marriage, he hurt me more than ever. But I can look people in the eye and tell them that he wanted out, not me.
Even better, my family (and his) could tell that he was the one who refused to make amends. Even his brother scolded him very badly over it.
crossroad: i've updated my profile
chubbymummy
New Member
Ssinglemomo, at least ur ex visits ur children. Mine left me when I was pregnant and never shown up since then, and that jerk never even call. I tried sweet-talking, begging, screaming and crying but he never stop fooling around when we were together and he wants to leave me as he thinks that the other woman needs him more than me and I am stronger than her.....
honeymourner
New Member
I wonder if ever I can be happy again the way I was before all these incidents? If yes, HOW ? Life is so difficult. This really makes me wonder if I want to spend the rest of my life the same way. I am paranoid about little things. He would tell me that he is not betraying me emotionally or physically but I still can't bring myself to trust him. How would this marriage survive when we would argue over every little things. He would be annoyed when I express my uncomfortable feelings but I just can't help myself from feeling that way. I can try to keep the uncomfortable feeling within myself but I feel I should question whenever I feel necessary, but after that I will feel bad.. have I turned to a difficult person to be with ? Will a marriage survive when there is no trust ? Life is so miserable. I really don't know how long I can go on like that...
blueangel30
New Member
Hi ladies,
its so saddening yet heartwarming at some point to know that most women give up their 'ideal' life and seek their happiness for the sake of giving their children a 'complete' family.
Heartwarming cos of the self-sacrificing virtue of a true mother. Fending and always placing their children's interest in the first place.even though living in hell with a monster waiting to prey again anytime.
Saddening to see that they are so many cases of husband's infidelity. Why cant men jus do something great and self-sacrificing for the children if not for the wife?
Have been attending a few frens solemnisation recently. With all the vows and all preparations before the big day....ends up with such misery when husbands (usually the ones who strays) gievs excuses like stress, blah blah....what is the meaning of 'thru thick and thin', thru good and bad times....all crap at some point. What are vows for, are they meant to be broken?
Women are better warriors. We can marry someone poor, go thru hardships, disapproval from family, etc jus to be with the one we love. When things start to pick up, men strays to find their 'love' and leave the wife who went thru blood and tears with them at home, lonely and most of the time, the last person to find out of the affair. Not forgetting the 9months of uncomfy feeling, stretch marks, endless breast feeding, housechores and even sharing the duty of the breadwinner of the home. Is there fairness. What has the men done? Only work, provide for family? Now u call tat tough?
Aft reading what Wittywildone has posted, i cant agree with her for the actions she made. Cheating nomatter men or woman, is wrong. Nomatter what great reasons, is wrong. Nomatter ur spouse have been neglecting u, not providing for u. U chose the person u wan to get married. I agree with making the right choice and seek happiness for urself. But in the expense of someone who stood by u thru think and thin, gave u children...Its even more unblieveable to hear a woman having affair. Shouldn she put herself in the 3rs party' wife's shoes?
its so saddening yet heartwarming at some point to know that most women give up their 'ideal' life and seek their happiness for the sake of giving their children a 'complete' family.
Heartwarming cos of the self-sacrificing virtue of a true mother. Fending and always placing their children's interest in the first place.even though living in hell with a monster waiting to prey again anytime.
Saddening to see that they are so many cases of husband's infidelity. Why cant men jus do something great and self-sacrificing for the children if not for the wife?
Have been attending a few frens solemnisation recently. With all the vows and all preparations before the big day....ends up with such misery when husbands (usually the ones who strays) gievs excuses like stress, blah blah....what is the meaning of 'thru thick and thin', thru good and bad times....all crap at some point. What are vows for, are they meant to be broken?
Women are better warriors. We can marry someone poor, go thru hardships, disapproval from family, etc jus to be with the one we love. When things start to pick up, men strays to find their 'love' and leave the wife who went thru blood and tears with them at home, lonely and most of the time, the last person to find out of the affair. Not forgetting the 9months of uncomfy feeling, stretch marks, endless breast feeding, housechores and even sharing the duty of the breadwinner of the home. Is there fairness. What has the men done? Only work, provide for family? Now u call tat tough?
Aft reading what Wittywildone has posted, i cant agree with her for the actions she made. Cheating nomatter men or woman, is wrong. Nomatter what great reasons, is wrong. Nomatter ur spouse have been neglecting u, not providing for u. U chose the person u wan to get married. I agree with making the right choice and seek happiness for urself. But in the expense of someone who stood by u thru think and thin, gave u children...Its even more unblieveable to hear a woman having affair. Shouldn she put herself in the 3rs party' wife's shoes?
wittywildone
New Member
I have never said that what I was doing was right. I have never justified my actions. I hate that I am doing this to another woman. I hate that I am doing this to my husband. I hate that I am doing this to my children and most of all I hate that I am doing this to myself. But it is ridiculous to say that being a woman, I should know better than to have an affair. We don't live in a sexist world - at least not anymore and where I am concerned. And is counselling the answer? I think not. Its mere banter, what people say they will do. Lip service. To stop you need inner strength and resolve. I have been 'sober' coming to 2 months now. I've gone cold turkey and I am happy now.
I won't salvage my marriage for sure, i will let things go. I believe i can find a better person, somebody who cherish me and love me more.
I saw how my colleagues are having affairs, its really a disgrace and they pretend to be noble and says there's nothing between them. Other colleagues already saw them driving into a quiet park after work in 2 different cars instead of going back home right after work.
I saw how my colleagues are having affairs, its really a disgrace and they pretend to be noble and says there's nothing between them. Other colleagues already saw them driving into a quiet park after work in 2 different cars instead of going back home right after work.
Hi Everyone,
I am very sad to see there are some many such cases arising in today world. I don't even know whether i fall into this category.
In my last trimister, my hubby frequent the Geylang KTV, since then he got to know quite a few China woman. I happen to know that he even have sex with them. I am really heartbroken, my baby weight drop, even my gynae ask why? and i did not reveal to my gynae. Then my husband apologise for his wrong doing, we even cry together. BUT he still continue with his "activities". I am so sad and depressed and cry everynight.
Now our baby is already going 12 months, he still keep in contact with 1 china girl who frequent S'pore. (he says got only 1, and i doubt so). This woman is divorce with a 4 years old girl. Sometimes i really cannot understand this woman, her marriage failed, she should know the kind of feeling and why do she still want to be involve with a married man? My conclusion is that all she wants is $ & to get PR so that she can fetch her girl over to study. I pity her but who pity me? Now she come to Sin to work in massage parlour in Geylang (of cos illegal, she holding social pass) but yet she is so lucky never get caught..
They even go into business partnership setting up a company, she must be trying to use this route to get her PR...
Sometimes i really felt why am i so stupid to endure...in my heart i still love him but trust is no longer there.
Like what val said can a marriage goes on without trust? i also don't know..
I am very sad to see there are some many such cases arising in today world. I don't even know whether i fall into this category.
In my last trimister, my hubby frequent the Geylang KTV, since then he got to know quite a few China woman. I happen to know that he even have sex with them. I am really heartbroken, my baby weight drop, even my gynae ask why? and i did not reveal to my gynae. Then my husband apologise for his wrong doing, we even cry together. BUT he still continue with his "activities". I am so sad and depressed and cry everynight.
Now our baby is already going 12 months, he still keep in contact with 1 china girl who frequent S'pore. (he says got only 1, and i doubt so). This woman is divorce with a 4 years old girl. Sometimes i really cannot understand this woman, her marriage failed, she should know the kind of feeling and why do she still want to be involve with a married man? My conclusion is that all she wants is $ & to get PR so that she can fetch her girl over to study. I pity her but who pity me? Now she come to Sin to work in massage parlour in Geylang (of cos illegal, she holding social pass) but yet she is so lucky never get caught..
They even go into business partnership setting up a company, she must be trying to use this route to get her PR...
Sometimes i really felt why am i so stupid to endure...in my heart i still love him but trust is no longer there.
Like what val said can a marriage goes on without trust? i also don't know..
haiz...indeed sad to read all these. Women when get married mostly wld really put their heart into it but why our hubby cant. Why cant they juz love 1 person n be faithful to 1? Is it that difficult? Now i start to wonder if my hub had all the relieves outside when I was pregnant. We din really do it as he said he's not in the mood most of the time. Things went back to normal after birth. Then now as I'm so tired from caring for child n we hardly get intimate. Now even worse. He refused to get his own rubber n insisted on without. I do not wanna have unprotected sex as I doubt I can handle another kid. Hence we din do it for a while and guess wat? I just realised that he had posted an ad in one of those adult friendsters looking for ladies into 1 to 1 sex or sex 'alternatives" etc....damn it! I'm not sure whether he wld ultimately do it but the act of posting the ad is already enough to upset me. Now I'm thinking wat shld i do. Looking at my boy really breaks my heart. If my hub really gets into action, I doubt I'll forgive him. Haiz....dunno wat to do.
piglet and lee, so sorrie to hear abt your predicament. can't imagine how you mummies go through this v trialing period. not trying to sound pessimistic..but if you are not able to make a choice now, you and your child will suffer in the long run.
maybe sometimes, we mothers just lack courage to move out and fend for ourselves and for our children. but please don't belittle yourself. as long as we are mobile, we will be able to survive without a husband. i've seen gory pictures of aids sufferers in the course of my work. it's really v frightening and revolting! pus and warts on body and genitals. No kidding. protect yourselves from your two-timing husbands. pleaseee..
maybe sometimes, we mothers just lack courage to move out and fend for ourselves and for our children. but please don't belittle yourself. as long as we are mobile, we will be able to survive without a husband. i've seen gory pictures of aids sufferers in the course of my work. it's really v frightening and revolting! pus and warts on body and genitals. No kidding. protect yourselves from your two-timing husbands. pleaseee..
singlemomof3
Member
I definately have to echo what Sarah says: protect yourself! I refused to let my ex touch me after I realised he had been seeing other women. He claimed he never had sex with them but seriously how could I believe him?? I went to my family doc and asked him to do the necessary tests. Fortunately, they all came back negative.
bellebeins
Member
So sad to read all this stories... I have been a victim of an unfaithful bf. I know that having an unfaithful husband would be 100 times worst than having an unfaithful husband.
I am fortune that as a gf before, I could just walk out of the relationship without much scars...but if it were to be as a wife, i wonder if i ever have the courage.
My prayers would be with u all tonite, those that have been hurt and those who hurt others..
I am fortune that as a gf before, I could just walk out of the relationship without much scars...but if it were to be as a wife, i wonder if i ever have the courage.
My prayers would be with u all tonite, those that have been hurt and those who hurt others..
Hi
Until now i still hated the slut and in my heart i have been thinking of letting her live in misery.
Though we have recouncile, the image and memory will always be there. I wonder does he still have those memories? What if he has those memorable ones and I also wont know what he is thinking?
Until now i still hated the slut and in my heart i have been thinking of letting her live in misery.
Though we have recouncile, the image and memory will always be there. I wonder does he still have those memories? What if he has those memorable ones and I also wont know what he is thinking?
inlimbonow
New Member
I guess every case differs, but in the end every one is responsible for their choices and should be prepared to suffer the consequences. Many however uses lies to escape having to bear those consequences.
Women generally justify affairs with "love". As friends or spouse, our judgement/opinion can cloud by how we feel about the other person. i.e, If we care about the person (be it a friend or husband), we tend to feel that other party are at fault at leading them to stray. But only the people involve will know their true intention/ motivation, be it lust, validation or true love - usually not the case since true love is about selflessness rather than personal gratification.
The woman who cheated with my husband, she carry on her affair with him for the 9 months she is pregnant with her husband's child. In the smses she is more worried about being caught than the wrong she does to her husband and child. When I contacted her a few months back, her respond is like, "oh but that was so long ago" No sorry, no remorse, just that it was something that shouldn't have happened. Is my husband at fault in this? Absolutely. Is she a shameless slut? You be the judge. And this woman is a manager in priority banking - she is not uneducated, nor is she ignorant, she is not cheated she knows what she is doing is wrong. Unlike mother (lim_ching_hsia) 's friend though, she doesnt have to suffer the consequences as her husband still doesnt know her true colours.
Women generally justify affairs with "love". As friends or spouse, our judgement/opinion can cloud by how we feel about the other person. i.e, If we care about the person (be it a friend or husband), we tend to feel that other party are at fault at leading them to stray. But only the people involve will know their true intention/ motivation, be it lust, validation or true love - usually not the case since true love is about selflessness rather than personal gratification.
The woman who cheated with my husband, she carry on her affair with him for the 9 months she is pregnant with her husband's child. In the smses she is more worried about being caught than the wrong she does to her husband and child. When I contacted her a few months back, her respond is like, "oh but that was so long ago" No sorry, no remorse, just that it was something that shouldn't have happened. Is my husband at fault in this? Absolutely. Is she a shameless slut? You be the judge. And this woman is a manager in priority banking - she is not uneducated, nor is she ignorant, she is not cheated she knows what she is doing is wrong. Unlike mother (lim_ching_hsia) 's friend though, she doesnt have to suffer the consequences as her husband still doesnt know her true colours.
hi i also just found out that hubby was having an affair whenever he goes on business trips to china, now to think of it, every week there seem to be trips to china. I have just bore him our 2nd daughter and just to find out. I saw what the gal sms him and confronted him and he has decided to leave his family and pursue further with the china gal. He said that the china gal understands him more and is very good to him. Didnt we ALL use to be good to them during the first few years of courtship?
well, im having post natal depression now....and im very very very angry at the sight of him!!! i hate him soooooooooooooooo much!
well, im having post natal depression now....and im very very very angry at the sight of him!!! i hate him soooooooooooooooo much!
hi serene
i am so sorry to hear that.
i experienced that b4 , but fortunately it was before the birth of my daughter( coming 7 mths now)
if u are comfortable, you can email me at [email protected], i noe the pain and hope can provide a listening ear to you.
pls dun bottle up your feelings..
take care
i am so sorry to hear that.
i experienced that b4 , but fortunately it was before the birth of my daughter( coming 7 mths now)
if u are comfortable, you can email me at [email protected], i noe the pain and hope can provide a listening ear to you.
pls dun bottle up your feelings..
take care
