Advice needed - Wish to have baby but financially not allow..How to cope ?

[mummybear]

Hi..wish to know whether any mummies out there having such problem like I do ?? I'm now into age of 35 with a son of 15mths. I wish to have 2 kids at least to keep each other an accompanion as well as a sibling to play, argue and quarrel with..

On the other hand, me and my husband were caught in this financial crisis. We have suffered from paycut but still lucky that we managed to keep our job. We totally have no more extra to save eversince last half a year.

Any mummies or daddies..out there, having such a dilemma like I do ?? Really need some expertise advices on how to cope if I really wish to go on to my plan to try on my 2nd baby..as my age is catching up.. It will be risky if I were to delay my plan..

Anyone ?? .. pls help !!! Appreciate.

 

[krazy]

<font color="aa00aa">hey
of course as you age, the risk factor will increase. but you seriously have to weigh the pros and cons and have you consulted your hub's opinion on this?

i mean, is he agreeable on no.2?

its no joke if you ask me.. a couple of hundreds here, and there can add up to be a substantial amount. so do your math carefully before proceeding.

your son is still young. what are the childcare arrangements like? when he is older, you will have to consider putting in him a school. will it be a montessori, fullday childcare, half day childcare, pcf?

if you have spoken to your hub and both of you are agreeable and willing to make the sacrifices, then go ahead.

if not, dont stress yourself further. a lot of resentment can result if things are not ironed out properly. </font>

 

[mummybear]

Hi psi, Ya..we've spoke. My husband loves kids very much too..He will not stop me for having as many kids as i want, provided our condition allowed. He will even go out to look for part time if time is allowed.

Ya. I've done my calculation. It's indeed painful. Basically, we have to struggle to get thru almost everyday, if plan to hv my 2nd one.

Currently, everything is just "nice..nice".. We are caught in such dilemma whether o not to proceed with our plan..

 

[krazy]

<font color="aa00aa">i see.

as long as both of you have spoken and agreed on what should be done, then i supposed its alright.

hmm.. are the both of you willing to be involved in this "pain" as you put it? i mean, its "easy" to have a child but to raise it, ... .

you have to be honest with yourselves. are you / hub the sort who tend to be envious of others , or family members, or friends who are able to afford to go for yearly holidays, or drive fancy cars.. or be bothered that your child have to attend normal pcf (which by the way, there isn't anything wrong with it) while you see others sending theirs to montessori? or cant attend enrichment classes like the so popular right-brain courses now and in the future, dunno what else?

i mean, we really have to ask ourselves such questions and not think that we are not materialistic so these dont matter. they do! and then once you start feeling envious, over time, this jealousy can eat you up.

but having said that, its not saying that things, the economy will not improve and your situation may be better then.

but both of you must first be committed that both will not give up or abandon one's duties. its easy to live through good and happy times but the tough needs to be tougher when situations arent rosy too.

i know of people.. who said this much to my disbelief. no need to worry about financial. the govt will help me to raise my children. apply for financial aid lah. get free text books, free meals in schs... etc. so they have loads of children. 4, 5 children in a household earning 1.8k per month. </font>

 

[krazy]

double post

 

[krazy]

<font color="aa00aa">mummybear:
i am sorry if i sounded blunt and insensitive and i am not trying to dissuade you from having anymore children.

in fact, i strongly admire you for having the courage to do so even when you know the situation isnt ideal.

i guess, whether you decide to have or not have, you have to accept the situation and consequences as you have thought through everything.

we have to learn to find our own light at the end of the tunnel. there may be others who feel that its "stupid" to have another child but another may think that its bliss to be able to have a large family and it doesnt mean having no 2 means, you love no 1 less.

</font>

 

[gracian]

hi mummybear

i have 2 kids. also quite worried about the current crisis.

still, having a child is a decision based on committment and love. if you and HB (+ extended family) are willing to do what is necessary for your family, then pls just plan and have another kid.

i am currently working part-time(switched after ML of #2) and every mth also ZERO. we need to pay for childcare(#1), maid, car(gonna say bye bye end of yr), parents, our expenses, household expenses etc. something came up unexpectedly last yr and we "lost" quite a sum of money and that incident probably wipe out our savings for a few months.

still i feel blessed when i see my kids and everything is worth it.

 

[mummybear]

Hi psi, thanks for your comment. I'm truly understand what u mean. Both me and my husband are from Korea and have been residing in Singapore for almost a decade. I know him in Singapore. My husband is the only child. Having more kids of his own is his wish. As his wife, I will support him, definately. We don understand culture of cultivating children here in Singapore. But yes, we definately would like our child to have a good upbringing. We send our child to infant care now and only attending enrichment classes during weekend. Tat's all we have done..

Yes, we don have to worry about transportation and accommodation. As an expatriate, he has all these benefits. But that was past. Recently, my husband's allowance has been taken away as well as suffer for pay cut.

On the other hand, I am worried about my age of having another child.. I am somehow trapped in this dilemma..

 

[mummybear]

Hi gracian, thanks for your accommodating comments. I'm always very happy to see couple with quite a number of "children".. Ya..everytime when i fetched my son from the infant care..He got tat "happy" look of seeing his mummy, whom are here to pick him up.. I like that feeling very much.

Ya..u r right.. it's a blessing of having them..around us, provided our condition allowed..

 

[miamom]

Hi mummybear..I'm now in this SMH thingy.. anyway, just follow ur heart..
only u will have the decision.. others cant really tell u wat to do..

 

[mummyto2]

mummybear, just follow your heart, as Mia Tan said. You cannot turn back the clock and have another child if you regret it later.

My husband and I are always conscious about keeping the expenses low and we have found ways to reduce expenses.

For e.g. instead of expensive infant care which cost over $1000, we opt for a babysitter and pay $600. We don't have a car or maid - cutting out these 2 items are a big reduction already. We only travel once a year and only to nearby countries which are affordable.

My ex-neighbour raised 12 kids with only the husband working. So I believe it can be done

 

[cactus_79]

mummybear, some thoughts came to my mind when I read your post:

1) what are your expectations for your children? If they require alot of money, I'm not sure if you will resent having children if can't meet those expectations.

Having said that, the clock can't be turned back for you to have a child. But these days, it is also possibly for older mothers to have very healthy children.

something to share, my own SIL miscarried at 24 years old, had a healthy child at 25 years old. At 28 years old, she was found to be carrying a deformed fetus, and she chose to abort. At 29 years old, she is now carrying another bb (1st trimester). So, it is possible to have pregnancy complications/miscarriage at a young age too. It's also a matter of chance. higher chance to have complications when you are older, but there is still a slim chance when you are young.

 

[~dg~]

i guess there is no such thing as "when is the best time to hav children"...how do we know when is the best time when we don't know what the future holds?

i believe that it you think now is a good time to hav no 2, don't hesitate. time waits for no one. yes, having a bb is not cheap, but i believe that once the situation arises where u need extra $$$, you would naturally cut back on certain things and adjust here and there. and who knows? maybe things will get better.

what is most impt is that whatever decision you make now is the right one at the point where u make it.

 

[mummybear]

Hi mummies.. thank you very much for all the accommodating advises. Yes, Mia Tan is right.. Just follow my heart.. else, i'll regret if i don do it now..

Like all of u said.. there must be a way to cut some of the expenses out.. and it's the right decision i've made at the right point of time.

We are going to make it thru no matter what....

Thanks..guys..

 

[polarpig]

just my personal opinon:

i would not opt to have another one

Dont want to end up quarelling over $$$

 

[littleloki]

Just my two cents worth.

I have 3 kids. No. 3 is 1 years old now. Initially was quite worried when pregnant with third bb. Cos my financial situation was very bad. Hubby bankrupt, bank loan interest sky-high, car loan, cc loans, insurance, so many payments. Every month my salary balance even goes into the negative! must find part time job too, if not cannot pay everything.

I don't bother to argue with hubby over money cos there is no point. Argue already still will have no money. So don't want to waste time and effort.

But then, I'm happy. Every day, I see my gal's smiling face and I will forget stuff. When I hear about her adventures with my neighbours, I am amused. I think of her always. I love her to bits. In fact all my 3 kids all very precious to me.

 

[proudmommy]

if you're ready to have the second one and your hubby is supportive, i'd say do it, it seems like a struggle now but in the end of the day it's the children happines that matter most, my financial situation is even worse, got $sin70K debts to clear (the most painful thing is...the debts is not mine, it's my brother in law's gambling habit that cause us to be in our situation now), single income, scorned by relatives, but everytime i see my children, a boy and a girl, they give me a courage to move on, they're like my pain killer, i'm just keep on praying n live one day at a time

 

[sgpmum]

Hi there, can I borrow this thread to get some advice too.

Both HB and I just lost our source of stable income. We just found out that we have conceived #2. Our work was based overseas and didn't have to worry about housing, allowance, etc... as everything was covered by company. But now we have to totally depend on ourselves. Due to unforeseen circumstances we also lost most of our savings.

We are in a dilemma if we should keep #2. We are seriously considering to move back to Singapore and maintain a HDB 3rm flat lifestyle. If possible, to have 1 parent be SAHM/D so that we can take care of the kids ourselves.

However, I am clueless about a realistic budget for the cost of living in Singapore for a family of 4. All of you seemed very down to earth and give good advise.

Please share with me what are the monthly / yearly costs to expect to maintain a humble lifestyle for a family of 4. Thanks.

 

[chinkerina]

spgmum,

Its really quite hard to judge how much is a humble lifestyle.

Maybe you should tell us more about your expectations. Plus who is working as you mention both lost stable income.

1) How old is your 1st child?

You just have your 2nd one, if you need to interview and get new job, it will be an issue also.

Its best to have a grandparent to take care of the young ones, as you don't have to pay extra for infant care($600/mth) child care, but can send to those few hours lesson.

Having a baby and taking care by yourself will save alot, but can you don't work is also another question.

2) Most important, do your have loan to service also?

I'm not married yet but i've seen alot of cases whereby money is an issue in the family. But as long as your are really working hard for the family, i believe extended family will be willing to help out either directly or indirectly.

Having children is a happy thing. Don't thing too much and rest well.

Rina
[email protected]

 

[angelseeker]

The thought of having 1 child or 2 children is always in my mind. Having come from a not well-off family when i was young, I really hope to give the best for my baby whenever i can.

However, i dun think i can afford it, if i will to have 2 children. Firstly, i have alot of financial committment, esp on my personal insurance. Secondly, Im already having a beri hectic lifestyle juggling bb and all the household chores. Thirdly, I have no reliable help like mil or mum to help look after bb fulltime. Nw bb is being looked after by nanny. If i were to have #2, most likely will engaged a maid instead, without any supervision, which i dun feel safe. And i dun think i will have the extra income to send him to full-time childcare.

All these reasons have discouraged me from having #2. Howevedr, my frens have been telling me that my bb will feel beri lonely next time. This has indeed caused me to be in dilemma.

What should i do?

 

[cactus_79]

Angel, if you are able to provide your bb with an environment where your child can mix with children of his/her age, it may not be that bad to have just 1 child. I am an only child, but I'm very close to my cousins.

 

[tidalstorm]

Hi Angel,

yr situation is just like me, no reliable help, but i am not willing to send my kid to childcare. My hub and me noticed that my son craved for company his age (3y old), he is v outgoing to children like himself. On one hand, we wanted another 1, on the other, it can be a terrible journey again...

 

[rine]

i don't think having a kid is expensive loh.. my hubby and i don't save for kids and we use the baby bonus and CDA acc to pay childcare fees of $230 per mth. Then the milk we buy the cheapest about $11 per mth since my 4 yr old only drinks twice a day.

as for the 6-in-1 jab when she was born, we paid abt $300. I heard go polyclinic is free.. not sure.

other than that, i don't see much costs... i guess my hubby and i take a step at a time, so we don't think of her uni fees, etc... at this point in time... we also don't send her for enrichment courses, etc.. which we find unnecessary at this point in time... let her enjoy her childhood and play all she want. We trust she has learnt much in school.

having good health is a great financial blessing. Pray for a healthy child and the rest should be able to manage if you are not the kiasu parent who send kids to all kinds of expensive courses.

 

[pinpong]

Hi Mummybear and all mums,

Dun know if this thread is still read by others.
Me also in d same situation as Mummybear, my kid is 16mth &amp; me 36. nv thot or pictured myself as a parent b4. Now like mummybear &amp; mayb some mums out there, hav been debating with myself whether shuld we go 4 #2, since our bb was 10mth of age. HB voiced out dat it wil b good 2 hav #2. den they can hav someone 2 play with, talk to, rely on &amp; give support 2 one another. But d issue of whether r we financial sound 2 proceed with #2, keeps hanging in my mind. @ time looking @ my kid, i feel sorry dat he is alone. mind u, he dun hav cousins of his age, 2 play with. Even d youngest kids dat my cousins has is 3yrs old &amp; they r staying in Malaysia.
Someone did highlight 2 me too dat, u can't turn back time, &amp; when u decided 2 go 4 #2, u may not get it.
There r pros &amp; cons, till now, i m still debating.

 

[froggie12]

Hi pinpong,

Children are a blessings and there are people who got problem conceiving tried ways and means to have one. Do not see children as a burden to you. They are innocent.

Plan your financial wisely. It is how you spend your money. Like what other mummies had mentioned, childcare can cost between $280 to $1000. It depends on what you want.

For woman, our biological clock is ticking every minute and when you wanted a baby later, it is too late to regret.

 

[mycutey]

Hi,

I also hoped to have another child but the cost is too much...
My child does not have cousins to play with also, so I do feel the urge to have another one.

But my standards are high....my hub's salary cannot keep up with the standards that I laid out...

I do not want my child to be stuck in a childcare everyday, i want to be at home to look after them.
With number 2, is a must for me to go out and work!!

I feel sad when i look at my only child....he is like so poor thing...with no company of his age to play with.

Where can I go so that he can mingle with children his age?????

 

[froggie12]

cherrie,

It is a blessing to have children. How many years do you think your husband need to reach your standard? And, by the time he reach the standard that you set a few years back, it'd be too late to have kids or the standard have rise again. By that time, will your husband blame you?

It is how you live. You can live lavishly or lead a common life. 14 years ago, I told my husband once he earn xk, I'll stop working and look after the 2 boys. 14 years later, I have 4 kids and I've stopped working to spend time with the kids. Frankly speaking, to watch my kids growing up are the happiest moment of my life. Yes, our budget may be tight, but we manage our finances carefully and we are happy to sacrifice for our kids.

Money is always not enough. You set a target and once you reached that target, you set another higher target...there is no end to it.

A friend once told me that money is the root of evil and I totally agree. "zhi chu chang le" - be content with what you have cos there is no looking back or too late for regret.

 

[mycutey]

HI froggie,

our finances are very tight and my hubby's parents are not well, so he got a heavy burden too....

We did the calculation and really we can't afford it if i want to stay at home plus age gap is 6 to 7 years between the 2 kids, really wide...Childcare centre is really the worst and very last option for me.

My hubby can't wait for me to go to work!! He does not want a second one. My son is always sick, medical bills for him also quite high as he needs to see a specialist for his asthmatic condition.

It truly is a blessing to have alot of kids and to be able to afford it. On the other hand, if i have to struggle to provide for the children, will the children be happy....

I saw my neighbour's plight, with 2 kids...the second child seems to lack the basic neccessities like no shoes etc, parents quarrel over buying new shoes for the children, both kids dun celebrate birthdays...seldom buy clothes, fight for toys, everyday stay at home...Now they are young, they dun compare, but i believe when they are in pri sch, and they see other children, they may feel inferior.

Maybe my conclusion for now is ===cannot provide then dun give birth, but my only child's lonely face is always there.....

What did u have to compromise with when u stay at home to look after the children full-time?
Is it like in giving them the cheapest thing, like cheapest milk powder, wear cloth nappy instead of diaper, public transport instead of a car,no overseas trip, cheap and not so nice clothing/shoes, see polyclinc doc when they are unwell etc....

 

[lexnchris]

cherrie, I totally agree with you. To deprive your child the best in life is a very sad thing, if you can't provide the bear necessities like good milk powder and nice clothings, it saddens the heart. Who doesn't want to give their children the best?

Plus everyday bound to quarrel over money issue, over what you shouldn't have bought and what you didn't buy for your children... will the children be happy even if they had each other? I will say they may spend most of the time imitating the parents fight and shout at each other and dare not make too much noise and stay in the room otherwise kanah scolding... that's how I'll picture it in REALITY, if I had another child, as my marriage is already on the rocks since focus has been on daughter all the time and no time to work on our issues. How to? No maid, no parents to help take over?

Yes cherrie, single child may be lonely let me tell you my side of the story - she doesn't have to "share" parents' attention, be jealous if she's not favoured. I am a second child and I've never been happy. Age gap does matter and not having parents' attention is a scar that can affect your marriage for a lifetime if you are a bitter child. What's so good about having 2? Yes, they are a blessing but if you don't watch it, you'll ruin their lives with your past hurts and everyone, I say everyone is guilty of punishing their children indirectly because of their own hurts.

 

[froggie12]

Cherrie,

We did not really compromise...The only thing I did was that I dun really buy clothes or cosmetics cos I dun work anymore. I also dun indulge in expensive baby stuffs - such as stok or Mac claren strollers or that cot which cost over $300. I breastfed my babies (that saves some $ too). For milk formula, nope, they were drinking similac, friso and Mamil for later stages. I didn't choose the brands, they choose what is suitable for themselves.

They wore brands like pampers or huggies as my hubby does not want me to go to the trouble of washing cloth diapers. And, if they wore cheapo brand diapers, it'll develop diaper rash (my child had it before).

They also sees doctors at private clinics for vaccinations or when they are sick (hardly goes to polyclinics, cos have to wait really long and children cannot tahan). Since I can use the baby bonus in my kid's account to see doc, why not use it?

And, they only take public transport when they come home after school (They are being ferry to school by my husband when he goes to work in the am). And, yes, we do have a car - its not a new one, it's an 8 yr old korean car.

We also went overseas for holidays - around once a year (by plane) and a couple of times to resorts in Malaysia.

Age gap, my eldest is 14 while my youngest is only 8 mths old... And, they all enjoy playing and taking care of this little baby. Yes, we may not dine at expensive restaurants (in fact, we do not), as dinner is home-cooked. But, my hubby and I are happy that we have 4 lovely kids and that they are surrounded by love.

You may find it disbelieving - with 4 kids and we are doing fine. Everything comes down to agreement. Yes, the agreement between me and hubby. Both must agree.

With one, you can give the best, and with many, you have to split. However, I've seen how my friends suffered (they were the only child) - I mean not mentioning the lonely childhood, but also that when they need a listening ear, they do not have anyone by their side (your friends are not there 24/7). And, being the only one means their parents only have them to rely on in old age (ok, I know that nowadays, rearing children is not a preventive solution for support during old age, but sometimes...). And, touch wood* - what happens if your only hope (child) is no longer around? Will you lose hope as well?

But, if the marriage is on the rocks or the party does not want another child, then, it is no point having another one cos in the end, you will blame that child for ruining everything.

Everything boils down to agreement and whether both of you see to eye on those things. If not, even a simple and small thing like buying groceries can start a war...

 

[mycutey]

Hi lexnchris,

So how do u keep ur child entertained? Mine always said bored bored bored!!! No one play with me etc... Is hard to find playmate cos mostly have siblings or enrichment classes/Childcare, but he does not like to go classes. Plus he is not a toddler anymore, when baby is borned, he will be pri sch kid. Money is real big issue!!

Froggie, I must say ur hubby earns alot, my fren's hubby whom I tot earn alot, can't afford yearly trip by plane to overseas. Even if to msia, is staying at relatives' place. Her elder son once told me" I already 10y old, never take plane, only go msia"....

Heartbreaking and I am going crazy cos my child always said bored everyday, he is so envious to see kids playing.
Heartbreaking if got 2nd child, sure hub and me quarrel, and we can't afford best for both kids,then they also envious of lids who can get watever they want without worrying their parents said no due tp money reasons. Worst still, have to sought help from gov later.... Sighing!!!

My hubby dun wan another one.

Thanks to ladies for sharing,

 

[i_love_my_kids]

Hi Mummies!!

I think a lot pf ppl facing the same problem, want to give our children the best but fanancially tight. In stead of cut down all expenses, has anyone thought of any other method?

 

[mehui]

We're living simply and buy good, not necessarily branded/expensive items. Not easy to afford many kids in Singapore but there are ways to make learning fun and enriching.