Advice Needed - My boy traumatised by childcare

S

seamonkee

New Member
Need advice... We've placed out boy who is now 2 yrs and 2 months old at a child care cente with purpose of getting him to mingle and interact with other kids...

Mon (05 Jan) was his 1st day of school... as per teacher, he was pretty alright at first during breakfast but the class is brought to the room and the door closed, he panicks, screams and cries uncontrollably... he stops only during lunch and again, when brought to room and the door closed, he did the same thing... My heart pain when I went to the school to pick him up (around 3pm) as I can even hear his cries when parking the car outside...(BTW, my boy can't speak yet but blabbers lot)

During 2nd day, my wife and I decide to pick him up half day at 1pm after lunch... when we reached the school ,again I can hear his screams & yells and cries... oh dear, I went up and hear the cry coming from another room (not his usual room)... apparently, the teacher brought him out to another room because he was disturbing the rest with his uncontrollably cries during nap time... we did not open the door immediately but decided to wait 5 mins to hear the teacher's method of soothing him and also what's really troubling my boy... Thank God the teacher was patient with him (she didn't know we were outside)... my boy was banging at the door and yelling... then we decided to go in and he immediately cling to us and stop his crying...

The very same Tue night, he kept getting nightmares, woke up screaming. pointing to the bedroom door and bang at it profusely, at first, we thought he wanted to go out but then as we open the door and carry him out, he pointed to the door again.. then we realised he wanted us to leave the door open...

We didn't brought him to school on Wed & Thur (today) cause he was down with flu and was exceptionally clingy... even bringing him out was difficult because he thought we are bringing him to the childcare and he started crying profusely when stepping out of the house...

To make matters worse, I realise he now goes on a panic streaks (crying, yelling and getting clingy) whenever a door closes at home...

Is this trauma? What should I do? Should I drop him out of school totally? My wife is expecting No.2 and he's due in Mar 09... We thought to send him first to school before No. 2 is born otherwise he would have thought that we won't want him by leaving him at school when his baby brother come to this world... but now I don't know whether should I bite through my teeth and continue bring him to school and condition him to the place....

The teacher had a discussion with the centre manager.... and I had a talk with the teacher thereafter... they felt that with my boy's young age (youngest in the class), perhaps they should have take him out of their usual class schedule and let him play in the outdoor/living room area to let him adjust to the place before trying to bring him into classes again...

Pls advise? Also, should I change centre? My boy attends sunday school and the same premises is used by montessori on weekdays... though not a full day care, I reckon perhaps a place he is more familiar with may help? What do you think?

Thanks
 


wow...your boy separation anxiety quite bad hor.
sorry i cant help much cos when my gal start cc at 24mo its not as bad even though she did gone thru the crying stage and slight nightmare stage. but still not so bad as u describe. i will be terribly heartbroken if i see my gal like tat. if u feel the current cc is gd with gd management n teachers then i feel should not give up. for the 1st few days, did u stay for a few hrs to accompany him? maybe try as per what the teacher suggest...dun let him join the class inside the classroom yet...let him play outside n familiarise the environment, ppl and things. and also let him go half day session till he settle down then switch to full day.

btw, b4 cc, who is taking care of him?
 
Hi there,

From your story it sounded like he is behaving the usual way that many kids face when in childcare initially.

Yes, do allow him to go or do what he wants initally in the childcare as to adapt to the staff and environment. Do not insist that he must join the group yet.

Feels that it does not solve the problem even if you send him to the Montessori cos it the strong stranger anxiety in your kid. Do give him more time and lots of encourgaement and assurance since it only the first week of school and he has attended only 2 days. Normally children takes bout 2 weeks or usual is 1 month to stop crying when first enter childcare. Btw, did u accomapny him for the 1st two days? It helps to make him feel assured.

Good luck!
 
Hi seamonkee,

Separation anxiety is very common in young children who leave their comfort zone for the first time and going to an unfamiliar place, they will usually become clingy or even cranky.

My advice to you as a preschool teacher would be to continue to send him to the school. This is because if you send him on one day and not on the second day, the child will think that it is okay not to go to school.

Consistency and encouragement is important to him now. Some children settle into the school very quickly while others take longer. But usually by the third week the child should settle down. But some take really really long, it can be as long as two months. But this is rare :)

Alternatively, you could make arrangements with the centre to prolong his school hours gradually. For instance on the first day, let him stay for 1 hr or 1/2hr , then next few days 2.5 hrs, subsequently then 3 or more hours. With this progression, the child would not feel that they are left alone for a long period of time.

Before leaving your child to the teacher, it is important for you to tell him that you are going to work and will come and pick him up. Tell him that you will bring him his favourite food or toy (whatever) when you pick him up.

Finally my last advice is if you are leaving the centre, please keep it short and sweet. Always smile and tell him to have fun in school and you will be back very soon. It is important not to hesitate when leaving your child because your child is very clever and will know if he sense your hesitation :)

26 months toddler is capable of socialising, but give him some time for all the adjustments. Everything is new to him, the room, the teachers, the friends, the toys, the food, the playground...everything so give him some time to get used to everything. Two days is too short for him to understand that this is a fun place to be in.

Oh yes, and the suggestion made by school to allow him to play more to adjust himself to the school is quite a good idea. Just let him roam around for a little while to get used to everything.

I hope this helps.
 
Hi there

I think it is pretty normal for children, his age.

My child started playschool at a really young age too, as we have also been outstationed at different places, he is used to adaption really fast. What I did to prepare my boy was to read lots of books about going to school with him and tell him that he is like Daddy going to work where he goes to school to learn. And that his teachers will bring him to different rooms for learning and he will make lots of friends.

Or perhaps he started to talk early and pretty mature for his age that he has asked alot of questions like "Who will take care of him in school?, Who will provide his lunch and snack?, What time I will pick him up from school?".

We have to give them lots of assurances. I did not have any problem leaving him at school and he did not go through what your boy went through, though some of his classmates went through that and many a times, the teachers were very patient in handling all these children.

Now at 5, he has really fond memories of all the preschools he went to in the different countries and waiting eagerly for school to start in late January for his kindergarten.
 
Hi there

I agree that you should accompany him maybe for the next week and decrease the time you are there, eg, stay 4 hours the first day then decrease to 3 then 2 etc. The school should be open to this to help your son adjust.

I've never had such problems with both my kids cos I try to get different people to babysit them usually on the weekends, starting from when they are very young. They also alternate between both sets of grandparents and also uncles and aunties etc. I think that helps them to not feel anxious when parents are not around and not to cling on to Mummy and Daddy all the time.

Most importantly, give him time to adjust. My older son, although has no separation anxiety is also quite moody these few days cos he just started school in a new place so we have to give them time to adjust.

Also, try not to push them to talk about school if they don't feel like it.

Even us adults take about 2 weeks to a few months to adjust to a new home or work environment etc. so don't despair, just give him time.

Most importantly, stick with it and don't let him not go just cos he's fussing cos that would just make matters worse.

Good Luck!
happy.gif
 
Thks everyone for your reply... He was "off school" for the past 2 days because he was so traumatised until he had fever + running nose...

Today, he's much better at home (the door closing part) and less clingy... My wife and I plan to bring him back to school again on Mon but will accompany him and take him home after lunch...

As for the Montessori, I was considering because it is using the same rooms as his sunday school classes since the premises belong to my church (and rented out to Montessori on weekdays)... I reckon if he's so comfortable in Sunday schools (premises), should prob give it a try.... In any case, I've slot in a trial this coming Tue... but will monitor his progress this Sun at church duing sunday school... Do you think I should proceed with the trial class?

Sigh... my heart pain to see him cry... the scene is still vivid in my mind... banging on the door and screaming his name (He only knows how to say his name, dada, duck, car, fish, ball clearly)... I reckon he kept screaming his own name as if his dad has "forgotten" him and left him behind in a strange place... I was so sorry...

I'm working freelance plus we have a maid to take care of him prior to the school... My mum is also around... and my wife works halfday... Maid still around and have just sign another contract for 2 years as we will be needing her help too when my second boy is born this coming March...

I need to know if I'm too "kiasu" sending him too early to a childcare/playgroup? Plus some of my friends said u already hv maid + mum + wife halfday + u freelance and thus should let him stay at home.... Sigh, our intention was to let him socialise and mingle with other kids and that's why we send him to childcare/playgroup... also, with no. 2 on the way, we reckon having him start his childcare earlier rather than after my 2nd child is born is better... I worried that if I do the latter, he may just think that we are "sending him away" because there's a new brother in the family...
 
Oh yeah, forgot to add that the montessori teachers are mostly my church mates... and people my boy has seen before... even in Sunday school...
 
Hi there

It all depends on children, as much as I would love to keep my boy at home till a later age for school, he has pestered us since he could speak to send him. He's a social butterfly and really enjoys school and lots of play groups.

In your case, since you have so much help at home, is it possible to push school back till a later stage when he could understand better and ask for more friends to play with. You may want to start him off with playschool for half-a-day where parents can be there with him and help him adjust before sending him.

As he could not really speak or express himself, I supposed it is frustrating for him as well. For my son, he was able to relate to me daily what he did in school and what happened in school as he started to talk really early.

The only trauma that he has suffered was in Singapore not in school though but outside school where one old lady went to pick up her grandson from the kindy next to his kindy, spank him on his hand while he went to press the traffic light for crossing. He did nothing wrong to get the spanking from her which cause he to cry non-stop as I was a witness. I stepped forward to ask him what happened and confronted the lady right in front of him to demand for an apology for her cruel act and a couple of parents also witnessed what had happened. My boy had nightmares for a week and was so frightened to attend school and to walk the route to the bus-stop to take bus home. He stayed really close to his teachers and a couple of close friends before school, in class and after class. And of course, I informed the teachers and principal of the incident. So much so for the givernment to call for a gracious society but we have abusive adults around too. It is important to assure the child that we are always there to protect them and watch out for them.
 
Hi seamonkee
I think you should keep your options open. The Montessori trial may turn out better than expected. Afterall, it is familiar turf to your boy.
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I am a SAHM, with a maid, but I still send my twin girls to full day chidcare. Both are 2 years 3 months old now. Just started school few weeks ago. I don't think I am being kiasu and you and your Mrs are definitely not. With a newborn on the way, it is a good option to start your boy in a structured environment where he gets to make new friends and learn new stuff. So don't feel bad about it.

Then again, your boy probably need lots of assurance from you and your Mrs that he will be picked up after school. You may also wish to start him off on shorter hours and then gradually extend his stay in the centre. I adopted this method and it seemed to work quite well. All the best to you. God bless!
 
Hi,
sharing my experience too

I started my girl (going to 3 years old soon) on childcare on 2nd Jan this year

for the 1st 2 days, she was on 1/2 day sessions. cos teacher afraid she not used to.
she enjoyed very much

but after tat, nightmares came.

on the 3rd day, she's on full day session.
at abt 6+ pm, my MIL went to pick up. She was crying as her classmates have almost left.

Since then, every morning she will cry when gg sch.
When i picked her up in the evening ard 5+, she burst into cries when see me.

I just hope that my girl will eventually get used to gg sch.
 
Hi,
My gal is 2yrs now, I am planning to put her into full day childcare as i am working full time. I have a maid & will be removing her soon if my gal clicks well in the childcare enviornment.Do you think she is too young as i have heard many say that children fall ill often in childcare. How should i help her cope this situation. Any suggestions?
 
seamonkee,
my girl is 3 years old and just started sch last wk. im a SAHM so i look after her 24/7. she is very sticky to me. so as expected, she cried badly in sch. but last fri (5th day) i decided to let her go cold turkey and said gdbye and left (hid). she was crying and screaming but the teacher managed to soothe her within 5 mins. then throughout the whole morning when i peeped into the class, she was ok and even participating. today as usual she cried when i dropped her off. 5 mins later, i took a peek and she was ok already. when i came to pick her after sch, she was not crying either.

but it was a very different story last yr when we tried to put her into childcare at 22mths. she came home with fever and cold, and nightmares. also had very bad tantrums and would cry for no reason many times everyday. in the end we withdrew her.

so i guess its also got to do with readiness for sch. when they are too young, and their character not the extrovert/ sociable type, then it could be traumatising instead of beneficial for the child. every child is different. guess u may want to assess whether sch is really necessary for him at this age.
 
seamonkee,
when i read your post.. especially this sentence "I reckon he kept screaming his own name as if his dad has "forgotten" him and left him behind in a strange place... I was so sorry... "

My heart breaks too... sorry i dont have related experience to share as my son is only 15months old, still taking care by nanny...

anyway, hopes all advises from all great mum and great dad would help.

jia you
 
Dear seamonkee..

My heart pains too when I see young toddlers cry for their parents in childcare..cos I saw many do so in my years as a cc teacher..So for me I made a promise to myself not to send my kids to cc so young..hence I made a decision to be a stay home mother..cos I feel kids so young are meant to be at home with familiar care-givers..being taught n cared by own mothers.

But as for teacher, my advice would be for u if u still want to put yr boy in school..then is to try a more familiar place as in the Montessori school..

Separation anxiety can be very very stressful for the young toddler..do take it seriously.

Hope things turn out well for u n yr lil' boy.
 
Charis,
Thanks for sharing, u r right, kids may feel anxiety badly.. my son is 15months old now, he needs my companion before fall asleep, and look of us immediately once awake, better dont stress them too much unless they are ok with it.
 
Thks for everyone's concern... since last week, I have placed him in Montessori where he's familiar with the turf...

His crying is still there but only when we part at school entrance and when everyone is wearing their shoes in preparation to go home.... otherwise, according to teacher, he is ok throughout classes.... except once he cried when the teacher opens the door to let other kids go to toilet, he probably thot it's time to go home....

While in the other school, he cried throughout.... as compared to now in montessori...

so what's the take?
 
so got to stay with Montessori.

Glad to know that he is much better. He will need a bit more time for his anxiety to go away.

cheers
 
I tried placing my son in a CC once when he was 1yr+ and he too have separation anxiety but not as bad as your son. But he couldn't adapt to the CC's rules so he was not willing to go to CC every day & kept crying when he knows it's time to go to school. Once day he fell sick & has to be hospitalized.

We felt the full day event at CC really tires him out & he couldn't do what he really wants so decided to take him out of CC and put him with a babysitter. He was much better & adapts to changes well after that. There were other kids to play with him too at the babysitter & now he's in K1 & never cried since the first day he step into Nursery.

I guess we gotta to give them time to adapt & change with the flow if they can't adapt to one environment. Maybe the CC hours are too long for your son so he felt like being abandoned.

Hope this helps...
 
seamonkee

then stay with the montessori sch.

I started putting my boy in school when he turned 2 yrs old. He will also cry at separation time and he went on for a year! But once i leave, he's happy and playing already. So no prob there. Can tell that he actually enjoys school.
 
My niece was the same when she started. She was 2.5 years old and she would cry most of the time she was there. Even had nightmares and would have temper tantrums in the morning before school.

My sis changed to a school where they allowed her maid to stay in the class with my niece. So for 2 weeks, her maid stayed in the classroom (in a corner). And then another 2 weeks sitting outside the classroom. After 1 month, my niece was okay going to school and did not cry anymore.
 
Dear Mummies, if anyone looking for a home base professional infant care center@ AMK just drop me a mail for more information just wanna to share some information

oh btw their service is quite flexible hours ... any also provides many more optional service like baby massage to enhance your baby growth
happy.gif


[email protected]
 
Dear mothers or mothers-to-be, if you are looking for an experienced nanny, feel free to contact my mom by sending me a personal message.

My mom has a lot of experience taking care of children as well as newborn. willing to take care for day and night.
 
Dear Seamonkee ,

How is your boy coping now ? I can emphatize with your situation thus am also writing in seeking advice and help from any mummies / expert here

My boy ,Zek is 19 mth old and have justed started childcare a week ago .

On the first 2 days , there are inevitable crying when me and Hubby left him at CC in the morning, but what is gradually becoming a worrying concern to me is the constant nightmare he has been having every night and it seems to get worse every passing day, Zek scream ,toss and turn ,hits his head ,scratches and bang his head/ body against the bed frame , repeatedly crying out for daddy and mummy . It really pains me to see him in this state . My son seems to be self-inflicting injury onto himself , he did that even in the day when we woke him up / bringing him to CC class . Now he would run to the door telling the teachers there to open the door for him to get out . Now he do not like to see either me / my husband. He cling to my MIL and seem like he only like her at home.

Feedback from the cc teacher is that he is doing fine during lesson. Has shown a bit of improvement since day1. But at home, his behaviour seem to have turn for the worst. All the self hurting and nightmares.

It really pains me and hubby seeing him in this state , and we are at a loss
1) why is Zek beahaving this way , is it normal ?
2) How and what can be done to help ?
3) Should we continue to stick him to the CC routine or pull him out tentatively?

Any kind souls / expert out there could offer some advises?
 
I think he is badly traumatised and you should take him out tentatively.Probably there have been something going on during the time when he is in CC(e.g bullying) and teachers did not let you know or are not aware of it.I think he is sticking to your mother in law as he feels safe when he is with her as she is not the one who drops him off at CC but you and your husband do.
 
Thanks little helper. Does anyone has experience on child begin bully at oddler is the cc? My toddler is too young to tell..
 
blue, jus to check, when u brought Zek to the childcare, u didn't accompany him for the first 3 days or week with him? the school dun allow?
 
blue

i withdrew my gal with cc as she is behaving somewhat like your son. To the extend that she dun dare to step out of her room when we wanted to bring her out during weekends.

she only trust my mom cos my mum is the one who fetch her back home in the afternoon. I withdrew her cos it is affecting her so much and it defeats my main purpose of sending her to socialise and learn.
 
Hi Dg, I did acompany for the 1st day. He was fine. For the 2nd and 3rd day was my husband. He cannot do without us around.

Stella, I have continued Zek with the cc. Now he is into his 4th week. I must says that he is starting to adopt to the cc. He do not cry as much and can accept the teacher bringing him into the class room. His improved started on the 3rd week. I am happy to see that he is able to adpot slowly. The first 2 weeks was a terror. based on the teacher feedback, he is starting to interact with his friend and getting more involvement during class. I am very delighted. I guess we will continue the cc.
 
yup, when i started my boy at the cc, he was also crying and screaming. now, he's almost two mths there, jus starting to be better. i'll say he still will need a couple more months to fully settle in.

i think the main thing for mummies who are going to put their child in the cc, u hav to prep them for it. can't jus bring them there suddenly on the 1st day. hav to tell them weeks in advance that they are going school, will make lots of friends, will play lots of games etc etc. basically to say alot of encouraging things to them to get them excited abt going to cc. i'm not saying this will make them adapt to the cc, but at least lessen the shock.
 
there's a home base infant care at AMk ave 10, the babysitter there have background of baby right brain training and also willing to take care day and night.. for more information email me at [email protected]
 
Hi,

Try Creative O preschool's bay at Jurong if you are staying there. Thumbs up. the teachers are very careful and patience. My boy too hv the problem, wean, scream (can tear down the school), cry... (mainly becos he can't speak much) But the teachers didn't give up on him. After weeks, he is able to get along and play with friends.

Now he is in K2. I hv got 2 boys there already. if you hv a chance to speak to someone there they will tell you the same. a school that neature the kids and fun.

hope that helps.
 
Hi Elisha,

May I know which childcare ur niece is attending? I am interested to find out which childcare is that as I heard bad comments from my colleague regarding the cc which I wanted to send my boy in, so now scouting around for another cc.
 
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