abusive husband

jen_wong79

New Member
Me and my husband has been together for 10 yrs (Married for 5). We have 2 very young kids. He is always blowing up about something. He is always starting fights with me. At first I just try and let him vent. But it doesn’t always work. Every day I will wonder what I do is going to set him off. It could be anything, from the way I sweep the floor, clean the house, how long I take to shower / eat and even how I sit at home. Everything I do has to follow his instructions, which I see no point in doing that. Everyone has their way of doing things. Just like how we take different approaches towards an issue and still reach the same status. In a way, he is kinda chauvinist and autocratic. This happens 3 /4 times a month. I know he does work a lot and is tired, so am I. I am a full time working mum. Yes, being an only child I am used to being pampered by my parent. That does not mean I don’t try to be a good wife / mother. As per him, nothing I do is good enough for him. I use to actively volunteer to help with the house work, etc. He ends up flaring up again, saying I am doing everything wrong, not doing his way.. etc. End up he has to do EVERYTHING himself.

He always flares up and say nasty things to me. I quote an example. Last evening I was sitting on the floor charging / playing on my phone. Shortly after, I got up and went to the room to check on the baby. He came in and say, how come the floor is so oily? I replied, maybe because I sat on it. Then he told me of, why I have to sit on the floor making it dirty again? I say, why no. If it’s dirty , just clean it up again. This is what we are doing everyday. Then he proceed to yell at me saying I am not being a good wife / mother… I am now a mother of 2 , I should think before I act / speak. Honestly, I don’t see any issue with that. If next time my kids wants to sit on the floor or anywhere they like, I won’t restrict them. If the floor is dirty I can clean it up again. Most importantly, the thing I want to teach my kids is it’s ok to mess up as long as you know how to clean things. I don’t know why he’ll kick up such a big fuss over this.. I’ll just answer ok ,yes to all his rantings & he seems more agitated He then point his finger at me and raise his hand threatening to slap me. He will also threaten to move out or ask me to pack up and move out or back to my parents. If not for the kids, I will really want to pack up and leave. I am really weary & sick of this , so much I dread going home every day.


We have a domestic helper too, she mainly helps to take care of the younger baby. Everyday after work, we will rush home to sweep the floor, clean the tables etc so everyone can have ample rest. Then, we will have dinner at my MIL’s place and bring the kids home. Sometimes, his rantings makes me feel very down and depressed.


I have been thinking a lot of leaving but it will be very unfair to the kids. What should I do. At this point of time, maybe I am not thinking straight. I am not harbouring much thoughts, to save this marriage. I’ve had enough.
 


act blur when he rants at you or walk away playing with your kids!
I hate these types of guys. He thought he knows a lot and everything he do is correct
tell him off next time when he rant at you.Don't let him think you can bully otherwise he will get more aggressive.
 
Hi there...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is difficult to look forward to being home when things are in a depressive state.

Has your hubby always been this way? It might be helpful to go for couples counselling and talk it out. It would also be a healthier environment for the kids knowing that they have respectful and loving parents.

Please seek professional help. Hugzzz
 
Speaking fr my own experience, i think when he start doing that again, you should consider moving to your parents temporily. Just a week will do. No point to argue or yell back, would be worse. Give him the space he needs, to see if he loves and respects u more, or just want a clean house by himself. Or no need to wait till he mention it, just say you tired and want to go parent house for few days. If he is more happy without u, then u should not have live w a person who doesnt respect and love u. Its def not healthy for the kids either. But probably would not be so bad, I guess with the work stress plus kids, he took u for granted, so show him what is like when u are not around. Good luck and hope u 2 could work it out soon.
 
act blur when he rants at you or walk away playing with your kids!
I hate these types of guys. He thought he knows a lot and everything he do is correct
tell him off next time when he rant at you.Don't let him think you can bully otherwise he will get more aggressive.
.

agree with : he seems to know the soft side of you...the more you relent, the more agitated he gets
not asking you to retaliate upfront..but y not show that you had enough and you just want to do your own stuffs and no single word from him anymore?
like draw a clear line...you do your stuffs, he does his...
 
was he like tat before your marriage? before your kids arrived? if he only changed after kids arrived, he could be having depression-losing his ability to control emotion. If he was all the way like tat even before marriage and before kids come to existent, u might want to seek counselling instead of choosing divorce as an option.
 
Kimielalala, pls be a bit sensitive when posting remarks. No one likes to be condemned .. Either the husband or spouse. she is here to seek advice ... But you are just marking unpleasant remarks. No one likes their husband to be called aunty no matter how & wat their behavior is like.dun just post for the sake of posting.
 
I understand your frustrations and agony esp going home not being listened to n unsupported. H/w, pls don't be rash n move out of the house. Ur r/s might be strained further. Go for family counselling. Ur hsb n u might be tired of cleaning the house hence the quarrel. I can't comment much too but Y not let the helper do it after u bring the kiddos hm. Spend quality time with ur kiddos n hsb.
 
Me and my husband has been together for 10 yrs (Married for 5). We have 2 very young kids. He is always blowing up about something. He is always starting fights with me. At first I just try and let him vent. But it doesn’t always work. Every day I will wonder what I do is going to set him off. It could be anything, from the way I sweep the floor, clean the house, how long I take to shower / eat and even how I sit at home. Everything I do has to follow his instructions, which I see no point in doing that. Everyone has their way of doing things. Just like how we take different approaches towards an issue and still reach the same status. In a way, he is kinda chauvinist and autocratic. This happens 3 /4 times a month. I know he does work a lot and is tired, so am I. I am a full time working mum. Yes, being an only child I am used to being pampered by my parent. That does not mean I don’t try to be a good wife / mother. As per him, nothing I do is good enough for him. I use to actively volunteer to help with the house work, etc. He ends up flaring up again, saying I am doing everything wrong, not doing his way.. etc. End up he has to do EVERYTHING himself.

He always flares up and say nasty things to me. I quote an example. Last evening I was sitting on the floor charging / playing on my phone. Shortly after, I got up and went to the room to check on the baby. He came in and say, how come the floor is so oily? I replied, maybe because I sat on it. Then he told me of, why I have to sit on the floor making it dirty again? I say, why no. If it’s dirty , just clean it up again. This is what we are doing everyday. Then he proceed to yell at me saying I am not being a good wife / mother… I am now a mother of 2 , I should think before I act / speak. Honestly, I don’t see any issue with that. If next time my kids wants to sit on the floor or anywhere they like, I won’t restrict them. If the floor is dirty I can clean it up again. Most importantly, the thing I want to teach my kids is it’s ok to mess up as long as you know how to clean things. I don’t know why he’ll kick up such a big fuss over this.. I’ll just answer ok ,yes to all his rantings & he seems more agitated He then point his finger at me and raise his hand threatening to slap me. He will also threaten to move out or ask me to pack up and move out or back to my parents. If not for the kids, I will really want to pack up and leave. I am really weary & sick of this , so much I dread going home every day.


We have a domestic helper too, she mainly helps to take care of the younger baby. Everyday after work, we will rush home to sweep the floor, clean the tables etc so everyone can have ample rest. Then, we will have dinner at my MIL’s place and bring the kids home. Sometimes, his rantings makes me feel very down and depressed.


I have been thinking a lot of leaving but it will be very unfair to the kids. What should I do. At this point of time, maybe I am not thinking straight. I am not harbouring much thoughts, to save this marriage. I’ve had enough.
I totally understand you from my bottom of my heart as i'm in the same boat as you.... I sincerly knows the feeling even when you does something with your very best, but still no one appreciates it. Many times, I have thought of leaving too. But what holds me back is my kid too. I'm still very young at the age of 24 this year. I know that i can find someone better but for the sake of my kid, i hold back. He can be abusive in the sense of physically & verbally. Even when my father in law interfere, it doesn't help as he will stil contiune his abusive behavior. I'm dried up & tired of it too. Now whenever he nag or yell, I will just pretend i hears nothing. When he demand for an answer, I will just answer him short and walk off. It makes me dreading of going home too~ Even when i go back to my mum's place, he wil lstarts to find trouble with me. I have to seek approval from him whenever I want to go out to have "ME" time by myslef or even with friends after work or over the weekends. He always says that he is the BOSS of the house therefore everyone have to listen to him and follow his instruction. Even on how much i can spend each months, and whatever that i want to buy, have to ask him before i can buy. Very sickening. I feel like a prisoner more than a wife!
 
Hi ladies, the fact that you are sharing your experiences here gives me the impression that you are opened to suggestions and advices. Based on what you have described, if it is 100% true, then no one on earth deserves to live like that. Even MOM has rules to protect domestic helpers when it comes to verbal abuse, come on, you are the lady of the house, what do you think?

Leave or stay, you decide, i have no say, but it is time to stand up for your rights, yourself and for the sake of your kids. It is beyond the matter of love or not.
You do not want your kids to disrespect you when they get older. If your husbands think that you are soft and attack your weakness, you have to show him that he has to respect that, no matter what.

No man deserves my tears, if i found one that is, he will not make me cry...
 
Thanks for the great replies. After a big fight, things are slightly better. Though the bloody nagging are there .. To make me feel better, I make it a point to spend HIS money. Totally Guilt free. For all the verbal abuse I've put up with.
 

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