A heartless husband

shu

New Member
Dear mummies,
Can someone please share with me your experience on how to handle this? Did anyone succeed in waiting and enduring the husband misdoings?
Cut the story short..
I have 2 kids aged 6 and 3. Together for 12yrs until 2 yrs ago, he starts straying. 2 yrs of guessing game all comes to a conclusion this yr that I was right with all my suspicious.
I gave him many chances despite catching all evidence and even knowing he went overseas with her.
When I first found out the evidence, he seems sad..that he wants to salvage the marriage and I promise to keep the evidence from that woman husband and his company colleague.
What really pissed me was I found out he still goes out with her and lied about his OT. So I broadcast the evidence to his mother and sister..and even his boss since they r colleagues.
He became very angry and now he wants a divorce.
Initially I wanted too. But my son cried as he wants the old daddy that used to love him. I went to tell that man to give the marriage a chance.
He actually replied me sms...U crazy woman, get out of my life! I have no more feelings for you. Can you please free me if you love me? I cannot believed that U wanna to imprison my body. Even u keep my body, my soul and heart is gone!
I asked him to sent the lawyer letter then and he said he got no time. I dunno what to do now...
Carry on waiting or just use my cash to proceed.
I am not working now..so my cash is limited and this man dun give allowance.
 


Hi Shu,
sorry I do nt hv much experiences to share. I'm suffering fr the same dilemma. I'm seeing a lawyer this week to see how to start the proceedings.

What I understd is, if u r the plaintiff and u sue him for "adultery" (needs official evidence) or "unreasonable behaviour", u'll certainly incur some lawyer fee, unless court can order him to pay partially for u (due to ur financial status or how ur lawyer lay out the case for u).

No matter wat u chose to do, I wonder if it works better if u can cool off before talking to ur hb abt this again? After he cool down, he might rem the kiddos & the family. Even if divorce is really the end option, if he really wants to hv a divorece, can at least let him be guilty enough to hv a uncontested one where he agrees to pay for legal fee and child maintenance, etc.

I certainly hope tt u dun hv to come to that. Maybe he will turn back and wake up soon after he cool down.. Divorce is serious and it will definitely impact the kids, no matter wat. I really wish u the best. Try to stay as calm as possible, I noe how tough it is..

For me, my little one is arriving in 2mths.. And I found out my hb's affair in Dec last yr. Hv tried salvaging the marriage but he chose to leave me and my baby, while I'm carrying our 1st baby. We were together for 14yrs but married only for 2yrs.

He simply chose to leave me for a sweet young thing working in pub, a filipino. He did many things tt really hurt me and the pain is unbearable. I kept crying and crying but noe I hv to think for my baby. I moved bac to my mum's. I still love him but can't forget his selfish and heartless actions, and the consequences my baby hv to bear in the future.

Do u still love ur hb? I'm sure there is much feelings, ya.. Take things slowly, there is no need to rush thru this. Mayb can read of this author's articles abt deciding if shld get a divorce.

Karl Augustine -> www.decidetodivorce.com

Now I'm waiting to speak to lawyer. Am hoping to go for uncontested if possible. But bcos we r married for less than 3yrs, lawyer may advised to sue him for unreasonable behaviour. The reason y I'm hoping for uncontested is so tt we can use same lawyer & he agreed to cover legal fee.

Jia you, let's hope things get better for us as we move along.
 
Shu,

you can go to AWARE to seek help regards to yr hubby not giving you allowance. I know there is a Woman Rights that husband needs to provide support to the family.
 
Shu,

What's the reaction of his mother n sister when u told them wt happened ? Is there anyway tt they could step in to help save tge marriage.. But u hv to think over whether it's worth to continue the relationship. Think all men are egotistic...perhaps he got too pissed off on the way to handled his adultery that's why he uses such a hurtful reply on you. But then again, you r the real victim, if He really cares abt ur feeling n understand your needs he wouldn't b so heartless..

I also with my husband for 12 yrs since I was 19, rom when iwas 23 n customary wed only when i was 27. I m also v troubled by on relationship w my hubby. It's really heart aching to loose such a long relationship... Theres so much tt we hv gone through together but he probably had forgotten them.
 
Hi all,

I am a guy and have been married for 14years. I would like to seek some advice from all of you. Hope do get some reply on saving a marriage. You can PM me directly too.

thank you.
 
Hi women,

Just to comfort you, I'm a husband, my wife did the same thing to me as your husband did to you but she is claiming maintenance from me.. I'm too poor to hire private detective to give evidence to court and court wont listen to what I say.

Imagine if the law mandate you pay your husband maintenance then you shall understand my feelings..
 
hi sad guy,

i sympatise with u..
perhaps u can hire a PI...if i don't remember wrongly, the one who loss the court case have to pay for everything including the PI n lawyer fees... u can check it out
 
Its not illegal to have an affair. Its illegal not to pay maintenance to a wife despite a wife had an affair.
 
I think whether or not you will get divorce, it is important that you keep a good relationship/friendship with your husband for the sake of your child. And it is also important that you know your rights as a wife, and the right of your son.
 
To sad_guy:
1. I am sorry to hear of your predicament. Really feel very deeply for your situation because I have been there (as in, husband cheated on me)

2. I think it's fair in the case of a cheating husband that the law mandates the guy to pay for maintenance. He is the one who did not fulfil marriage vows. The Woman's Charter is to mitigate sustenance issues in the case of cheating husbands abandoning wives and children.


3. Yes.. it's not illegal to have an affair and this fact is already wrong because it's breaking the marriage vows.
 
If grounds of adultery are proven and upheld, the plaintiff can sue the offending parties (including the third party) for legal and PI bills. Speak to aware or your lawyers. May help give clarity.

For husbands who are withholding finances after being caught for adultery, your lawyers can apply for interim maintenance even as you guys figure out if the marriage can be salvaged.

It's common that those who commit the wrong will get angry and not admit and come up with all sorts of excuses and blame everyone else. Except themselves. Very hurting, I know..,

Take good care.
 
hi Nelle

will the court order him to pay PI bills and legal bills if he decides notr to contest?

Or will my lawyer have to argue for me for these? I got evidence of adultry. Thanks!!
 
You need to speak with your lawyer who is handling your case. Everyone handles cases differently and would likely hold different viewpoints.

Have you completed your affidavit?
 
Hi Mommies out there,
I am in the same boat as most of you here. My husband of 11 years is astray. It was more than a year that I notice his sudden change in attitude towards me and eventually affecting the family time. During the few months, we fight a lot. as in we always end up physically hurting each other and me, ended up with bruises and blue-black spots on my body. there was one time when we are fighting with physical violence involved, i eventually have the courage to call 999. my previous hopes that we can settle the differences within us was gone and i have decided to end all his cruelties. i got enough courage to act against his violence towards me. and he realized that i am ready to fight against his viloence towards me. since that day when the police came to address my call, he never dare touch and hurt me again.

my problems didnt end here. he withdraw himself totally from me. he come home very very late or wait until me and my son is already asleep. he does not talk to me anymore and treat me as if i am invisible at home. this hurts me a lot but i struggle to compose myself. i seek help through the marriage counsellor but we end up with more hurtful words to each other. he have done so many stupid things already... including traveling back to our home country alone and without even telling anybody at home. he also goes out at night at varying times from 12mn to 7am. i dun have any idea of his whereabouts. all these doings hurt me so much but i am trying to endure all the pain.

recently, i noticed he is neglecting the bills at home as well as his financial obligations. other than not giving me the money for household needs, he is starting to neglect buying the household needs. he even stopped paying for my handphone bill. and he is now telling the maid that he will spend only for my son and food for the maid only. i am sooooo scared coz i know i will not be financially capable of paying all the bills at home as i am earning minimal amount. and..... only then I read about Maintenance Orders. I researched and researched about my rights as a wife and my husbands obligation to me and my son. last wed, i had the courage to go to family court and file for maintenance from my husband.... i am waiting for the mediation date. i am not sure what will happen next.... but the only thing i know is these husbands cannot just treat us, wives, unfairly.

i cannot tell what would happen then to my family after this. but i am ready rise through all these heartaches and hardship that my husband is giving me. i cannot afford to loose my sanity just because of him.
 
Stay strong and you're right in saying that preserving your sanity is an imperative. This sort of man isn't deserving of your life/worth. Ur in-laws able to help talk sense or mediate?
 
Mom-in-law pass away already. Pa-in-law got new woman. Last time my parents mediate us... But he tell them not to interfere.... So my parents now listen and advise me.....

Just this evening, my hb receive the summon letter from family court. i know he very angry. but i know he will not dare hurt me physically coz he know what i am capable of doing..... I can dare call police if he ever hurt me again.
 
@sadguy, if a spouse is lawfully married & has affair w another person, he/she definitely has commit a penal code. This is illegal.
However, if in a divorce case, man has to provide maintenance to wife is a separate issue.
 
My husband went to go visit his mom in South Carolina. We had been long-distance for almost three years after our first 3 kids, and this was going to be a last little trip before he came back to NYC and we'd finally settle down together. For a while, I had a feeling he had been cheating on me with someone from his school that lived in SC, but one of our mutual friends told me she really didn't think this was the case. Well, while he was at his moms, I looked up that girl's profile on Facebook and she was posting pictures of them together in South Carolina. C'mon now." He still denied when he got home so I got access to his devices using darkwebssolutions on gmail, they provide the best in remote access and monitoring multiple people, kids and so on. I had to divorce him and look for a better life.
 

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