Discussion in 'Motherhood, Pregnancies And Babies' started by jkam, Sep 5, 2006.
my boy just turned 13 mths few days ago. Am wondering should we consider having another baby?
i'm a weekend mummy, bring back my boy on fri and send him back to my mil on sun. Will drop by every wed evening to see him. I feel that i doesnt have enough time for him, let alone have another kid.
I loved him very much and he's very attached to me even though my mil take care of him. I'm afraid that i cant handle another kid.
i m a weekend mummy to a 5 mth old baby. like u, i bring back my girl on fri and send her back to my mum plc on sun. dis arrangement is making me depress n stress coz of d constant travelling n being away from my baby. contemplating of working part time instead of full time so dat can spend more time on caring of my baby properly n planing for second one.
I m also a weekend mummy to a 8mth old bb. U r lucky to bring bb back on fri. for me, i only get to bring back on sat as i got to work (5.5days work wk). Can't bear not to c bb, so every day aft work, will go n visit n hug her. Lucky is my sis who is taking care of her. Also, every sun, got to bring her to inlaw place. so mummies imagine, i got so little time wi my bb. Contemplating of working part time also.
hmmm... like dat how to have 2nd baby... i m not getting younger...
Hey, i'm a weekend mom with a 5.5mth baby girl. HB & I still hesitating whether to plan for a 2nd one. Coz already a problem wif the 1st, lots of argument with HB involves baby, but had always wanted my girl to hv a younger bro or sis so got companion. Now in a dilemma. How? I'm also not getting any younger..now 35.
me too, a weekend mum to a 2+ month old bb boy, bring him hm on fri and send back on monday. miss him a lot now that i m back at work. and i feel like i'm losing out, missing out on his development even though i make it a point to see him every morning and night.
beth, me too, 35 liao, and i also in a dilemma. it will be nice to have a sibling but these days, other than time commitment, it's also a question of financial stability.
happen to stumble upon this thread...
me already considering for 2nd baby(i know its too early!)...just gave birth in June this yr after 5 yrs of long wait..ppl say now is the fertile period, i dono how true is that...so i'm trying my luck
its very tough actually coz i work very long hrs..and i'm not a weekend mum..i send my gal to my mum's place which is 3 bustops away and fetch her after work...very tiring..sometimes i have 2nd tots of having 2nd child...but i'm afraid that if i wait to have 2nd child then the waiting gets longer...
lets support each other ya!
u r rite abt financial stability. with 2nd baby mean double of every baby needs. my tots on having 2nd baby is not only becoz of having siblings for my 1st one. but i have seen d problems dat d only child face.
my mum n my HB are d only child in d family. n both of them have d same set of problems. their family burden or problems are entirely on their shoulders. n they are always in dilemmas when it comes to making decision over their parents or wife/husband or children. its very burdensome. i told my HB if ever my baby is d only child, i have to work doubly hard now so dat can be independent wen grow old.
hey, i'm a weekend mummy too. i bring my baby to my mother's home on sun night and bring her back on fri night. i visit her every night.
wow.. never knew there were so many weekend mummies around.
My boy is coming to 17 mths already... and like most of you, i bring my boy back home on fri nites and back to my mom's place on sun.
I've been doing that for the past 1 year plus.
As much as i hate it, i don't really have a choice.
I stay and work in the East but my mom stays in the west side.
Almost everyday after work, i will go down to my mum's place and visit my boy.
And i'm thinking of having a 2nd baby too.
Let's support each other, yah!
eliza, wif so many other positive signs, there shouldn't be any doubt that having a second baby is the right move but there are so many other considerations, huh? apart from the long term, there's still the immediate issues. even then, the retirement age will have to be extended, just so we can provide better for our kids!
same here. the journey everyday is worth it but sooo tiring! things should improve when they're much older, or when they start attending school
ya, me too, every day have to see bb otherwise miss him like crazy
i am trying to think of a better arrangement but i stay rather far from my mother's home and i don't have a car so it is very hard to bring my kid there in the morning.
with a second baby, there will be more problems. i thought of putting the older one at childcare and the baby at mother's home but that means they will be separated during the day. also, the older one may fall sick easily due to exposure to more germs at childcare and the younger one may fall sick too.
i don't know there are so many weekend mummies around. i don't have any weekend mummies among my friends and they don't seem to approve of such arrangement.
the first time i brought my boy to my mil's place, i cried. Couldnt bear to leave him there...
i only visit him on every wed evening, the rest of the time i need to do housework, ot etc.
now he's getting older, will cry when he see us leaving. He just wants to go home with us! Heart ache when i see that...
when u intend to bring him home every night? my sister brought my nephew home every night when he turned 2 yrs old. for me, i intend to bring home every night after he turns 3 months.
actually i wanted to bring him back everyday. But my hubby feel that it will be very tiring. My boy still wake up for milk twice middle of the night (as daytime, he dont drink that much).
I need double attention on my boy when he's back home as i have doggy at home. But he just love the doggy even he got bitten once!
I intend to enrol him to a childcare centre after he turn 18 mths old so that i can see him daily.
Ready or not really depend on you and your husband very much.
We were ready for a 2nd one when my eldest was 5 years old. It really took us so long to plan my 2nd child cos my eldest was too handful to handle. The funniest part was, all people whom we met thought my 2nd one was an "accident".
As such, this question ' should you consider having a 2nd one" really depends on you both.
i'm also a weekend mummy. my baby girl only 2.5 mths. i didn't cry. i just thot that the babysitter would be more skillful and have more experience than me to take gd care of my baby. I'm also looking forward to have the 2nd baby though my hubby is scare. He thinks we cannot handle one oredi. I've had a c-section so my doc say must wait til the cut heals completely.
be prepared to face with more problems with you send yr boy to childcare. he will get sick more easily, gets more cranky etc.so i think now is the best time to plan for the 2nd one....
does your gynae tell you when you can have a 2nd one? My gyane told me to wait for 6mths for the wound to heal before trying for another one...my frens told me 3 mths after birth can try already...
Jen, I am a weekend mother when i have my daughter. She is with my MIL during the weekday and we only bring her back at nite. My hubby is just like urs, he wanted a gd nite sleep and I find him very selfish last time. As i cant handle my girl alone last time especially the bringing and fetching cos we dun own a car 2 yr ago.
Like ur son, my girl is very attached to us althot she is with PIL most of the time.
But the pro of not having kid with us during the weekday is that we have more time for each other. Other than work, we still can spend time with each other.
Now my 2nd kid (son) is already 2.5 month old, and he will be taken care by my MIL as well. So from then onward, one of the kids will have to come back everynite. My daughter will be attending nursery next yr. We are not putting her in cc cos she got very bad experience and i think nursery is gd enough for her.
Hong, i supposed hubby is not selfish but it's just that they want to have time alone just both of you. Things changes when having baby. Unlike dating time!
I am also a weekend mummy but no sure whether am I into this classification. Actually I stay with ILs, my mum is taking care of my boy, so on weekdays I stay over at my mum's place so as to be with my boy. Hubby will only come visiting every Wed evening. On Fridays, will bring my boy back to hubby/ILs place and will go back to my mum's place on Sunday. Now considering whether to have no. 2, hubby is more than willing to have one but it is me who is more reluctant. I am not sure who is going to look after my boy and no. 2, I tried to place my boy in CC few months ago but he reacted violently and had to withdraw him after 4 days. My mum already told me she can't handle day and night for no. 2 and I also don't want to overtire her as well. I am in a dilemma too coz hubby and me not getting younger and I also don't want the age gap for my boy and no. 2 to be too wide but now seems like not much choice as my boy is already 32mths.
i also have a dilemma like u. if have no.2 who will help my mum take care both children wen i m working? sigh....
If you are staying on your own, I believe things should be much easier to solve on caregiving. You can get a maid to assist your mum in taking care of the two. This is what my sis had done previously. My mum will go over to her place every morning and comes back every evening when my sis is back from work. For me is quite difficult coz I stay with ILs. I can of course employ a maid and bring her and the two children to my mum's place everyday but this will means I need to get a car. But there is also space issue at ILs place coz there are no extra space for the maid to sleep and to store her barang.
i have tot of dat but there's space issue. i live wif my mum in a 3 rm flat.
my gynae told me 6 months b4 trying for 2nd one. 3 months is for the wound to heal completely and 3 months buffer for precautionary purpose.
Ever thought of selling the existing one and moving to a bigger flat like 4-room? Alternatively, place #1 in a CC.
My boy is 2yrs old this yr. My MIL is taking care of my boy & we bring him bk everyday(PIL & us just stay a street away).
I oso wanna to hv 2nd child but in a dilemmas.
1) My hb is not supportive type
We quarreled a lot when my son is borned. As we do not hv a maid or inlaws to help out, we've to depend a lot by ourselves.
2) High expenses
The expense of getting a confinement lady & maintaining the maid.
3) Don't know when to put the maid
My MIL is staying wf my hb's bro & his SIL. They oredi hv a helper there. Even hv a maid,don't know where to put her.
It'll be tough for MIL to cope wf her helper,SIL & our maid("political" issue)
4) Loss of privacy
Having a maid at hme is a loss of privacy
But I really feel that i shld give my son a bro/sis. I don't know if i would be regret later. I am currently in my early 30s.Don't hv much time to consider oso bcoz the good age gap is 3 to 4yrs.So they can grow up to be closer(i think)
I wonder if I shld wait till my boy turns 4yrs b4 i plan for 2nd one? At least,he is more independent.
I am expecting my second baby and currently my girl is taken care of by my mother in law.Now having headache cos my girl is 22 months and when the second baby is born, my girl will turn 2 and my mother in law has said that she cannot take care of 2 at the same time.
Options we have:
1) Childcare. Have been quarrelling with my hubby over childcare near home or near work. Cos if put my girl in CC near home, have to reach home before 7pm and our office hours at 6pm. Quite rush. Near work place leh, very difficult to bring my girl along during rush hours. Nearly get into depression over this until decided near home. Worst come to worst be a SAHM.
2) have a maid at my mother in law place and put my girl at half day CC? To me extra cost and even though my mother in law supervise, still dun trust the maid. If my mother in law cannot get along with the maid due to different habits, going to have headache
3) Maid at my place will mean loss of privacy. so out
So have to try out the childcare arrangement and see how. At least i will know just 2 is enough, 3 will be a big big problem with no one to take care of. Because i am in my early 30s, thought better to have 2nd one earlier. Hopefully everything will go on smoothly
what abt getting a nanny for ur second bb?
ur age gap btw ur children is pretty close.I'll suggest u hire a maid bcoz u basically hv no time for hsework.
is ur MIL a difficult person?Getting a maid is a gamble...but it is a risk we hv to tak. Look at the mummies here,majority of them hv probs wf maids,changed & changed again.Think now it becomes a norm.
If you start planning when your boy turns 4 then it will means the age gap will be 4 to 5 yrs? I am facing same problem as you and I stay quite a distance from my mum's place (20 - 30 mins) by taxi. If you want to have a gap of 3 to 4, maybe you can start planning when your boy is nearing 3yrs.
I'm expecting my 2nd one currently too. Recently sent my 2 year old gal to half day CC, wanna her get accustomed to CC till 2nd bb is out in Jan07. Thus far quite ok, she is pretty adaptable.
My mum is helping to look after presently, with bb 2 will oso be leaving it to her. Dunno whether she can handle, but at least free her morn time to look after newborn, afternoon my gal back from school, drink milk and sleep till 5pm..by then my father is back and can help out here and there. We will bring them back everyday.
If my mum really cannot handle, I might turn to PT job or look after myself altogether. My prob is only when hubby travels, no helper at all. Maid is definitely out for us cos we dun trust them at all and yes it's a great invasion to our privacy.
Really 2 is enough...not easy looking after children.
My hubby prefers my mother in law to look after the 2nd baby cos at least my mother in law will put all heart to take really good care of the baby like how she takes really good care of my girl. For nanny, have to interview and make sure they are good but no matter how good they are, it is still not the same as in mother-in -law taking care of her own grandchildren. Somemore recently on newspaper, so many cases of nanny's family members(husband especially) molesting the children , still not safe( though my second one is a boy, i din put my girl under nanny).
Actually i plan for 2 years gap cos too far apart, dun think will have the courage to go through everything from night feeding to changing diapers and stuff like that. Also too far apart, the first one will get terribly jealous of the second one as more attention.
My mother in law ok and not difficult to live with but she can be very particular about her kitchen.She don't like to fry fish cos whole house smoky and oil, vegetable must wash and soak and wash and wash then cook. Somemore cannot have too much oil and stuff cos her lifestyle is very healthy with almost no oil in her cooking. Can't imagine if there is a maid who did all these, think my mother in law will not be very pleased. Somemore see my colleague changes her maid every now and then due to problems can be quite scary. she has been changing and changing until have to take half day leave for almost a month for replacement to come in after the new one she just got cannot do anything at all.
Yah i have hope to have 3 children but after encountering so much problems now, 2 is definitely enough. My mother in law is the only one taking care of my girl now as my father in law has passed away many many years ago so can be quite hard for my mother in law. though we live 15 minues (by taxis) away from my mother in law, still can be quite ex to take taxis everyday.
Hi mummies, I chanced upon yr thread. I don't exactly fall under your thread heading... but would like to give some insights into life as SAHM and mother of two.
My 2 kids's age are 3 yrs apart. I was happy with just one child, but hubby wanted more for same reasons (e.g. lonely being only child, spoilt child, emotional and heavy responsibilities for being only child). So I gave in and had my 2nd one. When I was 10-11 wks into pregnancy, we learnt that hubby had cancer! I contemplated abortion (after all, I was a reluctant baby factory!). Lots of praying and hubby's begging made me decide not to abort.
My beautiful daughter was born in 2005. Hubby also recovered from his illness. I AM SOOOO THANKFUL that things changed for the better in God's hand. I was never a believer in faith, and was always planning for future and getting things done through my own rational. However, an illness brought my family closer and allowed me to "go with the flow" and now I have 2 kids. My son has a companion now and he is happier. I am happier. My husband is happier.
As for financial stability, remember this. When the time comes, we humans adjust. We women, especially, are the more durable ones. Two kids (or more) doesn't mean double the expenses and energy. It's only a little more. I don't buy anything for my daughter except diapers and milk powder. She wears and uses all her brother's things. Think of it this way... you buy so many things and they get used ONLY ONCE! How wasteful that is! Think about economy of scale for the baby products... and with each child, your happiness only doubles and triples. When you finish work, you have not one but 2-3 kids greeting you! Don't live and regret that you should have had another child (we have our biological clock). I believe that we have 2 arms and each is meant for a child (at the very least). Men may not feel this, but I think women will. In order to be fair to the men too, I have had several men in their 40s who said that they regretted not having a 3rd child when younger because they thought raising 2 was already hard. Hmmm... now, should I go onto 3rd?
Dear Mommy United,
Thanks for the inspiring piece. I have a demanding career that requires traveling. I would like to have a 2nd one but had reservations...detraction from career, added expenses, logistics etc. My son has given me much joy money cannot buy. After reading your piece I am ready to cast my doubts and leave things to God. I believe having no 2 is a personal fulfilment as a woman. Whatever outcome on my career will just have to go with the flow.
You are definitely a very brave wife and mother! It is not easy for anyone to go through what you have went through.
For me, everyone including my parents, relatives and mother-in-law keep saying must have the 3rd child. Much as I wish to, i really find it so taxing. Financial wise i gues would be for the childcare centre unless i become a SAHM, then there would be no need of childcare services. For clothes wise, normally i would buy bigger size for my girl and the same clothing would last her until she is nearly 2 years old except for those dresses. Therefore for my second baby, i have to buy totally new sets cos all the former clothing worn by my girl are either all spoilt, stain or starting to wear and tear already. If i go for short holiday or business trip to Thailand, i would buy all baby clothing and my girl's clothing and pyjamas in bulk at wholesales centre which will cost about $2 per set of baby clothes. So in term of baby products other than clothing all can be recycled except for some brand new stuffs which i bought extra (due to excitement and wanting the best for the first baby), i would normally sell it off. Frankly speaking, financial would not be a problem as it depends on how you see and spend. It is the time and effort on the child cos in a blink, you will suddenly find your baby has already grown up from baby to toddler. To have a 2nd child means that my girl will know what it is like to have a sibling and understand what is sibling fight. I can sense my girl longing to have someone to play with and when i bring her to playground, i will see her chasing after bigger kids wanting to play with them but they usually ignore her cos to them, she is too young.
Hi mummies,happen to read tis thread and know that so many mummies would like to consider 2nd bb.
For me, my son is now 2yrs old. Before birth, i thought of 'stop at 2'. But now, we thinking 'stop at 1' due to the following reason.
1. No family support. Nobody wants to help taking care except my fil who is 75yrs old. Everything depends on both my hubby and myself.
2. Loss of freedom - we can't even manage to watch a show together.
3. Expenses - if one of us loss job or can't find any, it will be though and more rat race.
4. Much of his time, he's with babysitter. We only have time for him during wkend.
I've the same thinking and situation as you. But now when my son is 3yo, I can feel his loneliness. He's always looking forward to weekend to play with his cousins. It makes me feel so sad and lousy. So after discussion with hubby, for my elder son's sake, we will bite the bullet and will try to give him a sibling. Well I've not thought of the logistic yet...will pray for miracle that I could find someone trustworthy to babysit.
Short term, it's finding people to look after your child...
Long term, it's the education costs that gives the most headache!.. Just read a newspaper that a child's education fee costs $60K for a 3 yr degree course. Just imagine the education inflation in 15-20 yrs when our child will step into university. The fees might hit ard $100K!!.. and if two children, the fees might jolly well be over $200K!!...
It's not just the basic needs of clothings and food. There's still the education costs that will deplete most of our savings....
Sigh... when I think of the education costs, I'm afraid of having 2 kids!!... even though my gal is only 16 months now...
I also feel my son is quite lonely now, keep talking to himself and wants to play with us. But we encourage him to play himself at home...sometime there's no choice in life. My hubby will say 'NO NO' to second one. May i know who's looking after your son?
I have same thinking as yours. Imagine how can we retire early if the cost is $200K or more...we got to work until 70yrs old or more....
Some things can be shared, but some things are simply indispensible that totally cannot be shared.
These include things like EDUCATION, TIME, MONEY, EFFORT......
Whenever I think of the education costs, I will get headache... and hey, every parent will hope that their child can get into university right?.. and not to mention, along the way, they will be influenced by peer pressure to have things like mp3, HP, laptops, and watever 3Gs, 4Gs that keep evolving... These cost lots and lots of $$, which cannot be 'predicted' at one glance...
Of course, the downside of having one child is that they can be very lonely.. so really in a dilemma...
Me myself come from a 4-kid family... no lack of siblings rivary, quarrels, and the huge burden of taking care of my 2 younger siblings... But luckily my parents worked really really very hard and save up a lot in order to send his kids to university... Along the way, we had to give up lots of things such as toys... and everything is a share-share thing...
hi... I think we sometimes think too much and end up missing the boat. Education wise - which parent doesn't want to give the child the best? But hey! We didn't have that 'advantage' too and worked our way for our own education too. Part time or work first then study. It is a matter of what we ultimately want in life... As long as educate them morally, I think a uni education can come later.
For me, the prob is care-giving. No one trust worthy to care for my girl now already not to mention a 2nd one. And she is 34 mths liao. By the time I "can have" my second one, she will be 5 years old lor... Really too spaced out. So in the end also dunno whether can have 2nd one anot.
She is lonely... like many of your kids alone at home. Playing imaginery games, always wanting to have company to play silly children games with them.. sometimes I get very uptight when I reach home after a tired day at work and couldn't find energy to play with her. I feel bad, she feels bad. Then i feel so lousy. weekends got to do all the housework = no time for her also. In all, hubby ask "still want another one?? One also buay tahan already" But to me, one is really so little.
I feel that should have a sibling cos when we parents not around, they have siblings to look out for each other. someone in the family to offer help or assistance and comfort when needed. If alone, what will be of them?
Let's all take a step at one time... hopefully a miracle will really happen.
i face the same problem as u.. care-giving. having 2nd kid is some how good for them esp when they are slightly older since they have a sibling to play and talk to. we cant be with them all the time n we have our other duties to do. when there is anr sibling they can learn to share and play together and we dun have to headache about our kids have no one to play with. no matter what their best playmates should be children close to their age and not us.
I'm a weekend mummy too. I only bring my kids back on fri nite & back to my mum on sun and will visit them on every wed nite after work. I have 2 boys (26mths+ & 6mths+) 1 yr+ age gap. For me, I don't agree with juz 1 kid, find that he/she will be lonely. I do agree wif Linda tat when we parents are not around, @ least got 2 kids they can look out for each other especially for parents tat r not young. I'm 36 yrs old n my hubby 38 yrs old, we always thinkg whether can we live till the time our sons get married n hv kids or not. I do know it is not easy to bring up a child, all $$$!! Both my hubby & myself love kids, last time i hope to hv more than 3 kids but due to financial situation, can't lor. Luckily for me, my mum help me to take care of my 2 kids, I really thankful to my parents. Most of my friends & relatives said tat I'm so lucky & 'salulate' to my mum tat she can handle 2. Although my mum complain tat not easy but she is quite helpful & understand my situation. I do really hope tat by next yr, my financial will get better & will put my elder san @ CC so tat my mum can rest & only take care of my no. 2. For my experience, I can tell u all tat it is not easy to take care 2 kids, very tiring especially working during wkdays & take care of them & do hsework during wkends. But the kind of joys they bring to us is wat money can't buy!
Actually after having my 1st kid, my hubby don't want to hv 2nd 1 due to finanical issues. But I insisted to hv no. 2 when my 1st son 1 year old. Becos i find tat my elder son is lonely & he tends to play to himself most of them even when i bring him out, he will prefer to play by himself instead of joining the other kids. Since after i hv no. 2, I find tat he will play wif his brother & sayang him & very protective to his brother..haha!!
I shld consider myself lucky tat I don't spend much money on clothings & toys for my 2 kids becos my 2 sisters & my mum buy alot of clothings/toys for them since they are the only nephews/grandchildren. And my kids' cousins also passed down alot of toys for them.
I believe we women can do it when the situation comes. When I hv 1 kid, my husband and I will bring our child home every day from my inlaws' place. So daily, we will do this "send and fetch" daily. Tired? Yes of course but with one kid, it's not difficult as we drive.
Then 2 yrs later, our #2 came along. Financially, it's not a problem, We are financially stable. But with 2 kids, I dont know if I can cope physically but we did. We are sending and fetching our 2 kids daily and they grew close together. We believe in allowing our inlaws who are getting on in age to at least hv some good night rest on wkdays and they can enjoy their whole wkends. They are already doing us a big favour by taking care of our kids in the day. I dont want us to rely too much on them.
It's nice to see the kids share toys, call for each other to play or watch VCD together etc. I also hv to juggle the housework besides my full-time job. It's really not easy, I must say. But I'm happy and believed I did my best for my kids.
My aunty is taking care of my boy now. But she has already emphasis that she will not take care of another kid due to her arthritis prob. Every now and then, she will tell me to send my kid to cc as she wish to join the workforce. So I cant rely on her to take care of my 2nd kids anymore. I don't mind private CC like Pats as I see that they gave 1:1 attention to baby. Their monthly fees is steep tho S$1,800 and does not inc dinner. Their pick-up hour at 7pm is impossible for me also.
Think it's better for relative to take care of the kid as you will communicate more with your aunty. For me, my babysitter will not tell me what's he doing the whole day if I didn't ask.
I feel like most children are taking care by parent-in-law or relative who are closer to them.
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