Emotional blackmail from husband and in-laws to conceive a child through egg donation

[Angelica Cheng]

Me and my husband have been trying for a child for a few years. Last year, while I was undergoing IVF treatment, I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserves and poor egg quality. My doctor advised that my chances of conceiving a child with my own eggs are close to zero, and strongly recommended that I should use an egg donor.

Ever since then, I have been under intense pressure from my husband and in-laws to conceive a child via egg donation to continue their family bloodline. My in-laws run a traditional Chinese family business in the furniture industry with factories in Malaysia and Thailand. To have a grandson to continue their bloodline and take over their business is of utmost importance to them.

In fact, they want me to undergo IVF overseas, so that genetic selection (PGS) can be used to select a son instead of daughter, whereas sex selection is banned in Singapore. I had been thinking of using my cousin as egg donor, but in my in-law's eye, just having a blood relative as an egg donor is not good enough. My father-in-law had in fact contacted a mainland China agency that provides beautiful, talented and highly intelligent egg donors who are undergrads at the top elite universities in China. I find that scary, like being used as a guinea pig in an animal breeding experiment.

Recently, my husband hinted that he is considering to divorce me if I am unable to produce a son for him. I feel that this is a form of emotional blackmail, and smack of male chauvinism in traditional Chinese culture.

I have consulted my close friends, and there are varying opinions. Some have suggested leaving my husband, while others suggested that I should strive to fulfill my role as a woman and wife to achieve true happiness.

However, I am not psychologically comfortable with the idea of carrying another woman's child in my womb, and feel that the child by egg donation will not really be my own flesh and blood.

I am really confused. Please kindly advise how I should deal with my situation.

 

[Yf_45]

Maybe more importantly, you should ask yourself whether you think a child is necessary to make a family complete. Be truthful to yourself, without the anger you felt when being pressurised.
If the answer is yes, then there won’t be any issue. It’s only a matter of time, as you will need some time to be okay with the idea of using a doner’s egg.
If the answer is no, then you have to talk things through with your hubby. You can’t force your way of thinking upon your hubby, so does he. Either one of you might choose to compromise but there might be resentment in the future..

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Maybe more importantly, you should ask yourself whether you think a child is necessary to make a family complete. Be truthful to yourself, without the anger you felt when being pressurised.
If the answer is yes, then there won’t be any issue. It’s only a matter of time, as you will need some time to be okay with the idea of using a doner’s egg.
If the answer is no, then you have to talk things through with your hubby. You can’t force your way of thinking upon your hubby, so does he. Either one of you might choose to compromise but there might be resentment in the future..

Yes, I truly think a child is necessary to complete the family. The trouble is that I have psychological problems about carrying another woman's child in my womb, like it is not my own flesh and blood.

 

[Yf_45]

Yes, I truly think a child is necessary to complete the family. The trouble is that I have psychological problems about carrying another woman's child in my womb, like it is not my own flesh and blood.

Tell your hubby about this. Tell him to give you some time. Jiayou babe~

 

[Fated]

Me and my husband have been trying for a child for a few years. Last year, while I was undergoing IVF treatment, I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserves and poor egg quality. My doctor advised that my chances of conceiving a child with my own eggs are close to zero, and strongly recommended that I should use an egg donor. Ever since then, I have been under intense pressure from husband and in-laws to conceive a child via egg donation to continue their family bloodline. However, I am not psychologically comfortable with the idea because the child by egg donation will not really be my own flesh and blood. My husband even hinted that he is considering to divorce me if I am unable to produce a child for him. I feel that this is a form of emotional blackmail. Please kindly advise how I should deal with my situation.

how could your husband said that?
are you more important than a child?
does he love you?
If the child is born, will he want he child only and divorce you

 

[Mongkok]

Interesting... so u become a child bearing machine to them.

You ALREADY can't produce a child on your own. Whr is the 'thru thick and thin...' vow? Down the drain liao.

They keep u by their side is becoz they don't want to go thru the hassle replacing u. U no hv egg still hv a tummy mah. Grandchild will b blood related to them. That's all they care.

Mus guarantee son or nt? If come out not a son how? Egg problm or your tummy problm? Then wil he self-auto qualify for ema w his parent's blessing?

If u aren't ready, don't do it.

Ur child won't be biologically yours.

When dv, u hv to raise them as lawfully you have to discharge this lifetime responsibility.

Only use egg donor when u and him with a strong relationship, make this decision together.. Not by someone (in law) order, then u deliver. Aka like online shopping?

Where is the love in your relationship?

If there's love, he will accept your flaws and respect your feelings and decision.

Let him go.

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Interesting... so u become a child bearing machine to them.

You ALREADY can't produce a child on your own. Whr is the 'thru thick and thin...' vow? Down the drain liao.

They keep u by their side is becoz they don't want to go thru the hassle replacing u. U no hv egg still hv a tummy mah. Grandchild will b blood related to them. That's all they care.

Mus guarantee son or nt? If come out not a son how? Egg problm or your tummy problm? Then wil he self-auto qualify for ema w his parent's blessing?

If u aren't ready, don't do it.

Ur child won't be biologically yours.

When dv, u hv to raise them as lawfully you have to discharge this lifetime responsibility.

Only use egg donor when u and him with a strong relationship, make this decision together.. Not by someone (in law) order, then u deliver. Aka like online shopping?

Where is the love in your relationship?

If there's love, he will accept your flaws and respect your feelings and decision.

Let him go.

Thank you so much. That's the best advice I have ever gotten so far. Even many of my close friends think that I should try to fufill my role as a woman and wife. But what's the point if he does not really love me, but just want to propagate his family bloodline? He even suggested doing IVF abroad so that we can do genetic testing (PGS) to have a son instead of daughter. His parents are running a traditional Chinese family business, so they are pressuring him to give them a grandson. Thinking about it, this really smacks of traditional Chinese male chauvinism.

 

[ejenavbothomas]

Angelica you shouldn't allow that happen in your home. I'm a doctor by profession.
Egg donor sometimes don't yeild the desire result. And if your husband is in support of that it means he doesn't value and love you.

Check your inbox Angelica

 

[candy_floss]

Think of it this way, what happens if you suay suay got pregnant with a daughter instead ? Got 100% accuracy or guarantee ? Will he and his family still accept you as their daughter in law ? Or yr husband still choose to consider divorce you cos after going thru so much hassle (and money) and yet no sons are produced ? Come'on- it's really much easier to find another woman to do the job if u think of it in another perspective of their family. Will u be stranded with a daughter that might probably be stuck with u (and make u remind of her good looking intelligent biological mother)? Even if no divorce is involved, the gal is still not 100% biological yours cos only the daddy is, will you be ok to accept these facts? You should choose to proceed ONLY if you really want the child, and not because of whatever pressure given by them. It's very sad that an woman have to be in this situation where she plays the role of a child bearing machine. If I were you, I rather leave the family (unless u really think that bearing a child for them can ensure a lifetime of luxury/ tai tai life which u wanted- I mean there is no right or wrong if you choose whichever way cos everyone have their own path they prefer to take. Think carefully before you decide and all the best to you.

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Think of it this way, what happens if you suay suay got pregnant with a daughter instead ? Got 100% accuracy or guarantee ? Will he and his family still accept you as their daughter in law ? Or yr husband still choose to consider divorce you cos after going thru so much hassle (and money) and yet no sons are produced ? Come'on- it's really much easier to find another woman to do the job if u think of it in another perspective of their family. Will u be stranded with a daughter that might probably be stuck with u (and make u remind of her good looking intelligent biological mother)? Even if no divorce is involved, the gal is still not 100% biological yours cos only the daddy is, will you be ok to accept these facts? You should choose to proceed ONLY if you really want the child, and not because of whatever pressure given by them. It's very sad that an woman have to be in this situation where she plays the role of a child bearing machine. If I were you, I rather leave the family (unless u really think that bearing a child for them can ensure a lifetime of luxury/ tai tai life which u wanted- I mean there is no right or wrong if you choose whichever way cos everyone have their own path they prefer to take. Think carefully before you decide and all the best to you.

Thanks for your advice. Actually, I undertand that with the current technology of embryo genetic screening (PGS / PGT-A) used in IVF labs, there is almost a 100% chance of selecting either a boy or girl, if the patient succeeds in getting pregnant. Our MOH in Singapore is in fact so fearful that the widespread use of this potent technology will cause inbalance in the sex ratio, that they have severely restricted embryo genetic screening (PGS / PGT-A) in Singapore.

 

[JOJO_POS]

If your husband really loves you, he will respect your decision and will not want to use egg donate to have the baby. By using egg donate means that the child is not yours, can you treat the child as your own kid? Will you be happy to listen to whatever his family said? U take control of your own life/fate, don't waste your time to stay with your in laws that doesn't cherish you.

 

[aquietkindofpeace]

Hi there, wanted to share that I have a good friend who managed to conceive despite having low ovarian reserve with Prof Wong from NUH. So it's low probability but not impossible to conceive your own. The hubs and family may be very traditional and result oriented, hence you need to steer hubs away and calm him down a bit. God makes things beautiful in His time.

I agree if you are not ready, pls don't pursue conception through egg donation. it would not be fair to the child as well. This is akin to adoption. If both are not on board, it's a no no, unless you change your mind later on.

Marriage is sacred, do explore all options and also engage counselling or relationship therapist if communication does not work. Don't just do the D word easily...all marriages are different, and there are plus points to your hubs that you may want to double down and intentionally promote so that you are in a better frame of mind when talking to him.

Hope this helps, jia you k.

 

[JL8118]

TS,

Just a doubt...Read some of your other post and seems you are ok with egg donor. Saw you've been encouraging others to do such. So why aren't you keen or scare of when come to you?

Anyway, i do agreed with Mongkok. What if turn out to be a daughter rather than a son? Or what if he still divorce with you even you bear him a son? Seems to me their main concern is for a grandson to lead the family line. Sorry to say, you aren't important to them as of now... So above may happen...

Try have a talk with your hubby about your concern. If he still insists of that, then you need to be prepared of the worst scenario. Maybe some written will be good as well. Eg like he will not div with you even you produce a daughter or what.

If really cant, then probably divorce is the only way out. Someone who don't treasure you doesn't fit to be your lifetime partner...

 

[Angelica Cheng]

TS,

Just a doubt...Read some of your other post and seems you are ok with egg donor. Saw you've been encouraging others to do such. So why aren't you keen or scare of when come to you?

Anyway, i do agreed with Mongkok. What if turn out to be a daughter rather than a son? Or what if he still divorce with you even you bear him a son? Seems to me their main concern is for a grandson to lead the family line. Sorry to say, you aren't important to them as of now... So above may happen...

Try have a talk with your hubby about your concern. If he still insists of that, then you need to be prepared of the worst scenario. Maybe some written will be good as well. Eg like he will not div with you even you produce a daughter or what.

If really cant, then probably divorce is the only way out. Someone who don't treasure you doesn't fit to be your lifetime partner...

If you read my previous posts carefully, you will see that I am not encouraging others to undergo egg donation. I am just sharing the information that I accumulated from several months of research and reading, as well as enquiring at various local and foreign IVF clinics. Women considering egg donation should be aware of all their available choices, and I believe that I am helping them by sharing information.

To be truthful, I am still ambivalent and confused about the entire egg donation thing. On one hand, I really want a child and genuinely believe that a child is necessary to complete a family. On the other hand, I am rather pissed with the emotional pressure that my husband and in-laws are subjecting me, just to have a male heir for their family business. A sore point is that they are not approving me to used my younger female cousin as egg donor, even though she has agreed. In fact, that was exactly what one of my previous doctors recommended - a blood relative as egg donor, to maintain genetic links between mother and child. Another sore point is that they want me to do IVF overseas, so that I can use PGS to select a son. Based on my understanding of PGS, this technique has an almost 100% success rate in sex selection, provided the patient can get pregnant.

My father-in-law, who has much business contacts in Mainland China, has found an elite boutique egg donor agency, which provides beautiful, talented and highly-intelligent egg donors who are undergraduates at top-ranked and prestigious Chinese universities. He wants to find a tall and fair-skinned egg donor from Northern China, so that he can have a tall and fair-skinned grandson. The irony here is that both him and my husband are relatively short and dark-skinned.

As mentioned, this really scares me because it is like using me as a guinea pig in some kind of crazy animal breeding experiment.

 

[Stansy]

If you read my previous posts carefully, you will see that I am not encouraging others to undergo egg donation. I am just sharing the information that I accumulated from several months of research and reading, as well as enquiring at various local and foreign IVF clinics. Women considering egg donation should be aware of all their available choices, and I believe that I am helping them by sharing information.

To be truthful, I am still ambivalent and confused about the entire egg donation thing. On one hand, I really want a child and genuinely believe that a child is necessary to complete a family. On the other hand, I am rather pissed with the emotional pressure that my husband and in-laws are subjecting me, just to have a male heir for their family business. A sore point is that they are not approving me to used my younger female cousin as egg donor, even though she has agreed. In fact, that was exactly what one of my previous doctors recommended - a blood relative as egg donor, to maintain genetic links between mother and child. Another sore point is that they want me to do IVF overseas, so that I can use PGS to select a son. Based on my understanding of PGS, this technique has an almost 100% success rate in sex selection, provided the patient can get pregnant.

My father-in-law, who has much business contacts in Mainland China, has found an elite boutique egg donor agency, which provides beautiful, talented and highly-intelligent egg donors who are undergraduates at top-ranked and prestigious Chinese universities. He wants to find a tall and fair-skinned egg donor from Northern China, so that he can have a tall and fair-skinned grandson. The irony here is that both him and my husband are relatively short and dark-skinned.

As mentioned, this really scares me because it is like using me as a guinea pig in some kind of crazy animal breeding experiment.

Hi Angelica, during your courtship with ur hubby, were you aware that you will face such situation, kind of parents-in-law that you are gg to live with and your hubby being a mommy-boy?
Even if you managed to produce a boy, do u think you will be facing another set of challenges ie parenting.. how are you gg to deal with your in-laws and hubby when there are differences?
It would be good for you to serious take some time to sort out ur thoughts.. is this really worthwhile? What’s ur hubby view and how supportive is he?

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Hi Angelica, during your courtship with ur hubby, were you aware that you will face such situation, kind of parents-in-law that you are gg to live with and your hubby being a mommy-boy?
Even if you managed to produce a boy, do u think you will be facing another set of challenges ie parenting.. how are you gg to deal with your in-laws and hubby when there are differences?
It would be good for you to serious take some time to sort out ur thoughts.. is this really worthwhile? What’s ur hubby view and how supportive is he?

Actually to be frank, I myself also grew up in a traditional Chinese family business environment run by my own parents, albeit much smaller and less rich than my in-laws. You may be suprised to hear that traditional Chinese business families actually tend to have a more conservative and old-fashioned value system and outlook, as compared to the general population, even in 21st century Singapore. This is true even for the younger generation who are university-educated. Take for example fengshui and white magic to protect aganist evil practices by one's business advesaries. This is often dismissed as superstitious nonsense by most white-collared university-educated professionals. Yet, I personally know that these are taken very seriously in traditional Chinese family business circles, even the younger generation, some of whom have attended universities in western countries. I am not joking. I know because I grew up in such an environment. As expected, so called Mommy's boy and traditional male chaunvinism is common in such circles. Some of my aunts were coerced by their husbands and in-laws into giving birth to a string of daughters until they finally had their precious son. Is it any surprise that the only sons of such business families be pampered over all their older sisters, and grow up to be Mommy's boy? My mum was lucky, as she gave birth to my eldest brother the first time round.

 

[pinky bunny]

Me and my husband have been trying for a child for a few years. Last year, while I was undergoing IVF treatment, I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserves and poor egg quality. My doctor advised that my chances of conceiving a child with my own eggs are close to zero, and strongly recommended that I should use an egg donor.

Ever since then, I have been under intense pressure from my husband and in-laws to conceive a child via egg donation to continue their family bloodline. My in-laws run a traditional Chinese family business in the furniture industry with factories in Malaysia and Thailand. To have a grandson to continue their bloodline and take over their business is of utmost importance to them.

In fact, they want me to undergo IVF overseas, so that genetic selection (PGS) can be used to select a son instead of daughter, whereas sex selection is banned in Singapore. I had been thinking of using my cousin as egg donor, but in my in-law's eye, just having a blood relative as an egg donor is not good enough. My father-in-law had in fact contacted a mainland China agency that provides beautiful, talented and highly intelligent egg donors who are undergrads at the top elite universities in China. I find that scary, like being used as a guinea pig in an animal breeding experiment.

Recently, my husband hinted that he is considering to divorce me if I am unable to produce a son for him. I feel that this is a form of emotional blackmail, and smack of male chauvinism in traditional Chinese culture.

I have consulted my close friends, and there are varying opinions. Some have suggested leaving my husband, while others suggested that I should strive to fulfill my role as a woman and wife to achieve true happiness.

However, I am not psychologically comfortable with the idea of carrying another woman's child in my womb, and feel that the child by egg donation will not really be my own flesh and blood.

I am really confused. Please kindly advise how I should deal with my situation.

What ur age and what ur amh ? If u still want to stay in this marriage go n see a Tcm dr to get help on ur eggs . I’m doin ivf so I know how u feel

 

[wendy_reborn]

What ur age and what ur amh ? If u still want to stay in this marriage go n see a Tcm dr to get help on ur eggs . I’m doin ivf so I know how u feel

You really think this marriage is so important?
They are putting everything on a child. Are you also in the same situation?
If so pls beware

 

[pinky bunny]

You really think this marriage is so important?
They are putting everything on a child. Are you also in the same situation?
If so pls beware

Hi! Have to Depending on her age too . Of cos , no husband and his parent Putting pressure on her to have a child. If she is young she still can divorce and find a new husband.

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Previously, one of my doctors recommended that I use my first cousin as an egg donor, so that I can have a genetic link to the child. However, my husband and in-laws are adamantly against using my cousin as an egg donor. They look down on her as being of inferior genetic stock, due to her current job as a supermarket cashier. Instead, they want an elite donor from a prestigious Mainland China university. From what I understand, many Mainland China egg donor agencies have offices in foreign countries such as the USA. Egg donation is actually illegal in Mainland China. So how these agencies operate is that they recruit young women from mainland China and get them to travel overseas to donate their eggs. So if the egg donor contract is handled by the USA office, then American laws will apply, which will protect against scam. My father-in-law and husband is aware of this, so if they ever get a Mainland China donor, they will sign a contract that is legally-binding in the USA. The agency can then arrange for the egg donor to travel directly to Malaysia, where commercial egg donation is permitted. Here is a website of one such Mainland China agency, which explains how the process works:

Chinese Egg Donors in China

Read about egg donation in China and why some couples choose to work with egg donors in China and why others come to the united states.

eggasiancy.com

Looking at some media reports about the recruitment of Mainland China egg donors, I find the practices of such agencies quite scary:

Schoolgirls in China paid large sums to donate eggs to infertile couples on black market

Health experts have called for government regulation to halt the black market trade in women's eggs, following a report on the practice by state broadcaster CCTV.

www.scmp.com

Waiting lists for donated eggs surge after China's child policy loosened - Global Times

www.globaltimes.cn

Here is a rather scary photo of a prospective egg donor being measured by agents, taken by an undercover journalist. This resembles a slave market or trafficking of prostitutes.