Support group for wives with unfaithful husbands

Thought this thread is not moving cuz I opted for notification on the thread but didn't receive anything.
Well...update for my case, I have calculated if I sell current house and shift out, the proceeds are little and not enough to even cover my Reno for next house. And there will be alot of inconveniences on moving... Schools for the children will be far and need to find ways to send and fetch them back..

On practical side, I still couldnt resolve the housing issue. On emotional side, Not sure if anyone is a Christian here? He seems very remorseful this time... I'm not sure if I should rely on God's strength to change him and to heal me...
 


Thought this thread is not moving cuz I opted for notification on the thread but didn't receive anything.
Well...update for my case, I have calculated if I sell current house and shift out, the proceeds are little and not enough to even cover my Reno for next house. And there will be alot of inconveniences on moving... Schools for the children will be far and need to find ways to send and fetch them back..

On practical side, I still couldnt resolve the housing issue. On emotional side, Not sure if anyone is a Christian here? He seems very remorseful this time... I'm not sure if I should rely on God's strength to change him and to heal me...

To be honest, it depend on your trust in him.
If you feel and have faith that god will change him, then go for it
If not, then please move on...

From the way I read about your case, serious I doubt he'll really change...
Not sure if you believe in this statement... 'A leopard will never change its spots...'
Especially for affair. The person will have affair one after another... It's like a type of 'addiction'...
 
Hi ^stronger the qtn is are I able to trust him again especially he has been cheating numerous times. What’s make you be so sure that he’s remorseful? Even tho if you are giving him this last chance How can u be ensure tt he stays faithful and loyal to you & the family? Would you be always staying in doubts every now & then?

Am sure you know the answers better than any of us in this forum. U know this guy better than anyone else
 
Honestly, yes you are right, I know a leopard will never change its spot, the marriage will only be full of doubts always... But think of it from another angle. By starting a new life, whole new chapter of buying house, shifting house, Reno, furnish, settle kids school... All by myself...and having to be fully responsible for their school work and keep them company alone... I think it's unfair to me. How am I supposed to be starting a new life when I have so much on my plate?
If the husband is not nasty, willing to do anything to salvage the marriage and family, and the wife can bear the sight of him, can try to continue staying under the same roof but leading own life. let him do all the "work", while you can still enjoy your freedom and can be with the children, it isn't such a bad thing after all. And the children won't feel much difference to their life.Unless the husband is abusive physically or vocally, then of course this arrangement is impossible. What do you think?
 
Honestly, yes you are right, I know a leopard will never change its spot, the marriage will only be full of doubts always... But think of it from another angle. By starting a new life, whole new chapter of buying house, shifting house, Reno, furnish, settle kids school... All by myself...and having to be fully responsible for their school work and keep them company alone... I think it's unfair to me. How am I supposed to be starting a new life when I have so much on my plate?
If the husband is not nasty, willing to do anything to salvage the marriage and family, and the wife can bear the sight of him, can try to continue staying under the same roof but leading own life. let him do all the "work", while you can still enjoy your freedom and can be with the children, it isn't such a bad thing after all. And the children won't feel much difference to their life.Unless the husband is abusive physically or vocally, then of course this arrangement is impossible. What do you think?

from what you said, it’s also possible. A lot of women live under such arrangement so meaning you allow him to go out for more future flings too right?
 
Honestly, yes you are right, I know a leopard will never change its spot, the marriage will only be full of doubts always... But think of it from another angle. By starting a new life, whole new chapter of buying house, shifting house, Reno, furnish, settle kids school... All by myself...and having to be fully responsible for their school work and keep them company alone... I think it's unfair to me. How am I supposed to be starting a new life when I have so much on my plate?
If the husband is not nasty, willing to do anything to salvage the marriage and family, and the wife can bear the sight of him, can try to continue staying under the same roof but leading own life. let him do all the "work", while you can still enjoy your freedom and can be with the children, it isn't such a bad thing after all. And the children won't feel much difference to their life.Unless the husband is abusive physically or vocally, then of course this arrangement is impossible. What do you think?

Sometimes I rather to be independent than to stay in a house that is full of doubts, trust issue. Well, it's easier said than done, but I believe if one really want it, it can be done.

Like what you said, there's possible also. I know of some whom are in such way. They stay together cause of kids. Both have their 'personal life' outside. When home, both attend to the kids fully. To the kids, they are still father and mother. To both of them, they are just 'husband and wife' in the paper.
 
@^stronger

Do u really believe dat your children wont feel the difference?

Y is fair in d picture? In life nothing is fair, but we do our best 2 provide d best... 4 your kids, 4 yourself... not about fair....

If he is really remorseful, shldn't both of u b working 2 keep d relationship going? Go 4 counseling?

If u think there is nothing left in d marriage, let go... b true 2 yourself, 2 your kids....
 
Living under the same roof, means I can observe him and see if there is a sigh of change. leading own life as in I can go out with my friends, do my facial, nails, hair and don't have to worry about things at home. I don't expect him to continue his dark side of life.
I feel this is not the time to sulk but take charge of my own life, do what I have always feel like doing but no time as too dedicated to the family. In this way, I'll heal along the way.. While the marriage takes a back seat. If it revive again, best. If not, by then I have already moved on. Most importantly don't rush into things just for that conclusion. This doesn't heal your own feelings as there's too much to do while you should be picking yourself up first.
 
Living under the same roof, means I can observe him and see if there is a sigh of change. leading own life as in I can go out with my friends, do my facial, nails, hair and don't have to worry about things at home. I don't expect him to continue his dark side of life.
I feel this is not the time to sulk but take charge of my own life, do what I have always feel like doing but no time as too dedicated to the family. In this way, I'll heal along the way.. While the marriage takes a back seat. If it revive again, best. If not, by then I have already moved on. Most importantly don't rush into things just for that conclusion. This doesn't heal your own feelings as there's too much to do while you should be picking yourself up first.
Well, you have your own choice :)
If you think and felt this is the best option, then go for it
 
to be very direct to you. the reason he have more than 10 affairs previously and didnt stop is mainly because if u.
he knows u will forgive when he become soft with u. he knows he will not step out from your comfort zone.
the circle keep on going round and round. its will go back to square one and u know it
 
think, actually i rather having him to live with me than not having him here at all. i know it's a form of self denial. but, imo, having a broken marriage is really beyond words. no matter how hard you try to push yourself, it's like, the broken feeling is so overwhelming. even though you can force yourself and push yourself, but somehow it's really difficult to be even close to recovery.
 
think, actually i rather having him to live with me than not having him here at all. i know it's a form of self denial. but, imo, having a broken marriage is really beyond words. no matter how hard you try to push yourself, it's like, the broken feeling is so overwhelming. even though you can force yourself and push yourself, but somehow it's really difficult to be even close to recovery.
Yes, can relate fully with you. I'm in similar situation and also have no solution so far. Let's hope we can find our solutions and have better future.
 
hello everyone! recently feel like the distance between me and hubby is getting further and my sixth sense tells me something is wrong. I started looking online for answers and saw another thread where someone found condom in hubby's work bag. I decided to check my hubby's work bag and indeed found 2 condoms inside. We don't use condoms because we are trying for a baby. I also found a female tshirt inside with a receipt. The receipt stated it was bought on a weekday at 11am when he is supposed to be working. I am sure he bought it because the receipt also stated the last 4 digit of his credit card number. The day I found all these things, he came home and told me he wanted a divorce and gave reasons like "we are mismatched". We have been married for 1 year+ and dated for 7 years. He usually bring his phone everywhere even when he bathe but there was once he left it outside so I went to check. I did not find any suspicious calls or text but I found a screenshot of a female underwear. Recently when I check again, it is deleted already. After he brought up about the divorce, he told me to move back to my parent's place for 3 days every week so he can have some alone time. I gave in. But every time I go back home after the 3 days, I realize our bed and one side of the bedside table is always shifted. There was once a lot of bowls was on the dish rack and I asked what he did to be using so many and he said he had cook on one of the days. Another time I saw the microwave oven switch plugged in (it is usually not plugged in because we do not have enough power plug). I asked if he had used it and he just said "oh? is it? no, never use". The other suspicious thing is, we always pump petrol once a week but one time, he pumped on a Wednesday night and Saturday night he had to pump again. He should be working on Thursday and Friday so I don't think he could use so much. Does that mean he drove around a lot on Saturday? But how can someone drive so much within 1 day and he told me he was at home that Saturday. I am really struggling inside, I don't know how to find evidence. I don't know if I am just being paranoid. My neighbour has a CCTV camera but I don't know if I should ask them for the footage or not. What if I don't find anything? What will my neighbours think of us? What reason should I give them even if I ask for the footage? Oh, another information is, when we were dating, he has cheated on me once so I am wondering if he will do it again this time. He said he will never look for prostitutes but the condom is really bothering me. I admit our sex life is not very healthy to begin with.
 
then go get the evidence u need.
anyway your marriage less than 2 years u will not able to get a divorce. also your house if less than 5 years mop u cant sell un open market
 
then go get the evidence u need.
anyway your marriage less than 2 years u will not able to get a divorce. also your house if less than 5 years mop u cant sell un open market
I think the main priority now is to prove/clear my suspicion. Others can wait. The problem is I don't know how to get hold of evidence. I also worry if I'm just being overly sensitive and paranoid :(
 
I think the main priority now is to prove/clear my suspicion. Others can wait. The problem is I don't know how to get hold of evidence. I also worry if I'm just being overly sensitive and paranoid :(

from what u describe definitely its suspicious.
get a good PI to do it for u.
even if really wrongfully blame him then he wont know. at least get a peace of mind.
 
from what u describe definitely its suspicious.
get a good PI to do it for u.
even if really wrongfully blame him then he wont know. at least get a peace of mind.
It's been 2 weeks and the condom is still there, except it has changed from one compartment to another. I don't think he is using it frequently to be able to catch him even if I hire a PI.
 
If it’s a relationship might not alway go for sex. They might be dating. Won’t be difficult as he meeting that women on days u not home
 
Yes, I need a closure. But for now he is requesting a separation due to "mismatch personality". He doesn't want to be the guilty one because he cheated on me once when we were dating. The funny thing is, he said he wants to be best friends even after we separate and divorce.
 
Yes, I need a closure. But for now he is requesting a separation due to "mismatch personality". He doesn't want to be the guilty one because he cheated on me once when we were dating. The funny thing is, he said he wants to be best friends even after we separate and divorce.

There’s so much bullshit here! And this is so typical of men who cheat. Mine also cheated on me many times and says want to divorce because we are not suitable for each other. I know it’s hard but if you want to prove adultery, you need evidence. And why the heck does he need you to go back to your parents’ place? What does he do then? Just married not too long ago and he wants time alone??
 
Living under the same roof, means I can observe him and see if there is a sigh of change. leading own life as in I can go out with my friends, do my facial, nails, hair and don't have to worry about things at home. I don't expect him to continue his dark side of life.
I feel this is not the time to sulk but take charge of my own life, do what I have always feel like doing but no time as too dedicated to the family. In this way, I'll heal along the way.. While the marriage takes a back seat. If it revive again, best. If not, by then I have already moved on. Most importantly don't rush into things just for that conclusion. This doesn't heal your own feelings as there's too much to do while you should be picking yourself up first.

I do know how you feel because I am going through the same thing now. Basically all fault is mine when this relationship is not working. I’m contemplating what you want to do too: live together but lead own life. But the thought of it makes me so sad and hurt. We have so many years together and it’s all coming to an end now... nothing I do or say seems to be able
To salvage this. If your Husband is remorseful, what does he plan to do to regain your trust? How much can you believe him? Is he willing to do anything and everything for this marriage to heal?
 
Yes, I need a closure. But for now he is requesting a separation due to "mismatch personality". He doesn't want to be the guilty one because he cheated on me once when we were dating. The funny thing is, he said he wants to be best friends even after we separate and divorce.

He is a selfish man. He wan to remain as good friend so u help upkeep the house during this period and he can enjoy with the women. Also as good friend, he can request for sex with u?
 
There’s so much bullshit here! And this is so typical of men who cheat. Mine also cheated on me many times and says want to divorce because we are not suitable for each other. I know it’s hard but if you want to prove adultery, you need evidence. And why the heck does he need you to go back to your parents’ place? What does he do then? Just married not too long ago and he wants time alone??
He said he wants "alone time" to do things he want to do. I have all kinds of imagination like maybe he will invite the girl home and even have sex. That explains why our bed and bedside table move an inch when I'm not home. I casually asked him once if he felt the bed is moving towards the left and he said no. The following week I'm not home, the bed moved towards the right. Even the paint behind the headboard came off. I can't think of other reasons why the bed and table is moving if he was alone.
 
He is a selfish man. He wan to remain as good friend so u help upkeep the house during this period and he can enjoy with the women. Also as good friend, he can request for sex with u?
I think this might be what he is thinking. He told me if he can he would have sex everyday. Is this even normal?!
 
Hello all, I didn't think things would escalate so quickly within one day of posting here. I pluck up my courage to ask about the condom. He admitted. He went on dating apps to talk to girls with the intention of finding answers to our unhealthy sex life (don't really want to believe). Then he knew this girl age about 21 or 22 years old (my hubby is 30) and decided to meet one day. Ended up having sex in the car. He even told me he felt guilty that's why he put the condom at an obvious place just so I could question him and he can own up. Idk what logic. But anyway, divorce is surely the way. I just wonder if I should tell his family about his affairs. Do you all tell your spouse family about the affair?
 
Hello all, I didn't think things would escalate so quickly within one day of posting here. I pluck up my courage to ask about the condom. He admitted. He went on dating apps to talk to girls with the intention of finding answers to our unhealthy sex life (don't really want to believe). Then he knew this girl age about 21 or 22 years old (my hubby is 30) and decided to meet one day. Ended up having sex in the car. He even told me he felt guilty that's why he put the condom at an obvious place just so I could question him and he can own up. Idk what logic. But anyway, divorce is surely the way. I just wonder if I should tell his family about his affairs. Do you all tell your spouse family about the affair?

You can’t divorce, you can only separate because your marriage is less than 3 years. However, please file for a legal separation n make him pay for it.

Did you record down or have black n white he admitted? Tell only when you have something to show.

For your case, it’s quite clear cut- no children, even if it comes to matrimonial assets the likelihood is each retain own assets.
 
Hello all, I didn't think things would escalate so quickly within one day of posting here. I pluck up my courage to ask about the condom. He admitted. He went on dating apps to talk to girls with the intention of finding answers to our unhealthy sex life (don't really want to believe). Then he knew this girl age about 21 or 22 years old (my hubby is 30) and decided to meet one day. Ended up having sex in the car. He even told me he felt guilty that's why he put the condom at an obvious place just so I could question him and he can own up. Idk what logic. But anyway, divorce is surely the way. I just wonder if I should tell his family about his affairs. Do you all tell your spouse family about the affair?
its doesn't sound right.
what is purposely placing it where u can can find it and letting u confront him.
I feel there is something to hide.
he is trying to protect the women.
how did u account for the stuff at home. the underwear he bought n the excessive petrol.
 
Hello all, I didn't think things would escalate so quickly within one day of posting here. I pluck up my courage to ask about the condom. He admitted. He went on dating apps to talk to girls with the intention of finding answers to our unhealthy sex life (don't really want to believe). Then he knew this girl age about 21 or 22 years old (my hubby is 30) and decided to meet one day. Ended up having sex in the car. He even told me he felt guilty that's why he put the condom at an obvious place just so I could question him and he can own up. Idk what logic. But anyway, divorce is surely the way. I just wonder if I should tell his family about his affairs. Do you all tell your spouse family about the affair?

All this excuse are bullshit.
Looking for answer for yours unhealthy sex. Going on first date and having sex in the car.
As if can buy a condom at the park?
Then keeping it to let u know. Hahaha?
I also feel he is trying to hide the identity of the lady and protect her at the expense of hurting u.
He wanted to continue with her secretly hence ask u stay at your mum house. And now exposed, no choice have to cook up a story
 
u cant divorce him now unless u can prove to the court u are suffering extreme hardships.

anyway no logic about placing the condom to let u know so he can confess to you.

if really he wan confess when he ask for separation then he would have told u.

this guy is full of bullshit
 
Plot twist. This morning when I asked him for the name and a picture of the girl. He said ok. Then about 30 minutes later he told me a name (don't know real or fake) and said he don't have picture of the girl. I ask him if he just met her without knowing how she look like?! A bit lame right. He said she sent the picture and deleted so he doesn't have any. Then he said actually the things he told me last night is half true and half fake. The girl is actually 25 years old and they met up one day with the intention to have sex but ended up both chicken out cuz the girl also have a bf. Regarding the condom, he said the girl took one and he took 2. Reason is cuz the girl sometimes uses it with her own bf too. So he is now saying he didn't have sex with her but only have the intention lolol. He "lied" that he did it because he wanted us to separate and divorce.

Back to my question, should I tell his family about this?
 
very clearly trying to protect that women.

wat u wan to tell the family? u have nothing to back u up and he twist n turn so much. do u think he will admit infront of the parent?
 
I am new here. My story summarized:

Married without a kid and without matrimonial issue in the past. No quarrel, all harmonious, except some boredom. One day, the ex-husband said he wanted to leave and needed his freedom. Mind you, I have been a freedom lover all my life and I give all the freedom to him, except the ticket to be unfaithful.

So there he was, met someone online and wanted to leave. It was all too sudden, way too shocking, and my world came tumbling down quickly! I have never imagined my ex to betray me, for I trusted him 100%. He moved out very shortly and I filed for divorce. The process was quick and we got our final judgement within months.

I am in my late 30s, thoroughly scarred by the realization that a man I trusted could actually betray me, and the fact that a marriage (long term relationship/kinship) can be easily gone with the wind. I am unsure if I could trust anyone again. I suppose, we do best being on our own, loving ourselves.

As to fleurem's concern on whether the family members should be made aware of the son's infidelity, it very much depends on what you want:

  • Give him a chance and remain in the marriage - save his pride by not telling his family members and resolve issues among you both.
  • Go for divorce (like what I did) - I told his family members and everyone who knows him about what he did. That is not before I found out that he has been going around telling people about why he wanted to leave but NOT the fact that he has found someone else. Since he wants the whole world to know about me and why he is leaving me, I helped him spill the beans too. I have learnt that when it comes to the point of divorce, the partner would likely not care to save your grace in front of his family members. Therefore, the choice is yours.
 
I want to let him know the consequences for betraying me the second time. I really want to let his family know what kind of son/brother he is. Maybe it's because of my anger at this moment but I really can't swallow this. If he dare to do it then he should own up.
 
I want to let him know the consequences for betraying me the second time. I really want to let his family know what kind of son/brother he is. Maybe it's because of my anger at this moment but I really can't swallow this. If he dare to do it then he should own up.

By telling the parent or sibling, how do u think they react?
Blood is thicker than water.
Don’t be surprised they might blame u back for not fulfilling as a good wife that why he look for women outside
 
By telling the parent or sibling, how do u think they react?
Blood is thicker than water.
Don’t be surprised they might blame u back for not fulfilling as a good wife that why he look for women outside

I revealed the truth to his family members and a close friend of his too. They took side with me, apologized and one of them even told me that he knew that my ex is not a good man right from the start. Anyway, the parents have been attempting to keep in touch with me to-date but I need closure and it is best to go no contact.
 
Hello all, I didn't think things would escalate so quickly within one day of posting here. I pluck up my courage to ask about the condom. He admitted. He went on dating apps to talk to girls with the intention of finding answers to our unhealthy sex life (don't really want to believe). Then he knew this girl age about 21 or 22 years old (my hubby is 30) and decided to meet one day. Ended up having sex in the car. He even told me he felt guilty that's why he put the condom at an obvious place just so I could question him and he can own up. Idk what logic. But anyway, divorce is surely the way. I just wonder if I should tell his family about his affairs. Do you all tell your spouse family about the affair?

Feel so angry for you!!!! What the heck is his issue?? Meeting random people for sex???
 
By telling the parent or sibling, how do u think they react?
Blood is thicker than water.
Don’t be surprised they might blame u back for not fulfilling as a good wife that why he look for women outside
I think his parents and siblings are very rational people. My MIL ever told me if this happens I must tell her because she will definitely stand on my side. But if they end up blaming me then I know what kind of people they are. Anyway this marriage has already broken down. I guess no need to give face anymore? Even though I really wish to end things amicably but it's so unfair!
 
Does anyone know what good does it have for me if I manage to find evidence of the affair? Since this marriage is only less than 3 years.
 
Does anyone know what good does it have for me if I manage to find evidence of the affair? Since this marriage is only less than 3 years.

your marriage is less than 3 years you cant use evidence to file for divorce.

but I feel he is trying to cover up the affair or protect the women as he twist n turn his story. hence if can get evidence n identity of the women. maybe u can get him to go for annulment of marriage
 
your marriage is less than 3 years you cant use evidence to file for divorce.

but I feel he is trying to cover up the affair or protect the women as he twist n turn his story. hence if can get evidence n identity of the women. maybe u can get him to go for annulment of marriage
I just researched.. normal adultery is not sufficient to annul the marriage unless it is extreme adultery (meaning with multiple partners) sigh.. looks like this is going to drag for 3 years for me
 
I just researched.. normal adultery is not sufficient to annul the marriage unless it is extreme adultery (meaning with multiple partners) sigh.. looks like this is going to drag for 3 years for me

How are you going to suffer through this? Will he shift out or something? Is he even sorry? How are you? After all the anger, you must be so hurt and devastated...
 
How are you going to suffer through this? Will he shift out or something? Is he even sorry? How are you? After all the anger, you must be so hurt and devastated...
I'd like to close this chapter of my life but if I have to separate 3 years before proceeding with divorce that will mean I will need to reopen my wounds again 3 years later. We will most probably move back to our own parent's place.

The first night when he admitted doing the deed with the girl, he was really sorry and all. He even tried to hold me and hug me. Next morning he denied doing the deed with the girl. Then he acted as if nothing happened. I was being cold to him but he still tried to get close to me and want to hold my hand and hug me. Right before this affair was exposed, he was the one giving me all the cold shoulders and avoiding me and making me think that the marriage broke down because of me and because we are mismatched lol.

I think he is using my weakness to gain sympathy or something. He used to bring his work bag back home every night until recently he only bring it back on weekends and on weekdays he leave it in the car saying it's useless to bring it home since he doesn't even need it at home. Yesterday night was the first night after being exposed and he brought it back home again (maybe coincidence idk, need to observe) and the condoms inside is no longer there.

The last 2 mornings I have seen him receiving a WhatsApp message at 6+ in the morning. When I check it at night while he is bathing, I couldn't find any message that was at 6+ in the morning. Probably that girl and he deleted the chat.
 
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Fleurem,

Yes. You can't file divorce against him, since is less than 3 years. What you can do is to file separation with him.
After that 3/5 yrs separation, you can file for divorce there after.

Try not to involve family for time being, especially his family. Unless you have proof of what he's doing, and that this marriage can no longer be salvage.

What I did was I installed a spycam in our room, and well, it captured his deeds that I'm right that he brought the slut home.
Have filed divorced since then as ours is more than 3yrs
 


Fleurem,

Yes. You can't file divorce against him, since is less than 3 years. What you can do is to file separation with him.
After that 3/5 yrs separation, you can file for divorce there after.

Try not to involve family for time being, especially his family. Unless you have proof of what he's doing, and that this marriage can no longer be salvage.

What I did was I installed a spycam in our room, and well, it captured his deeds that I'm right that he brought the slut home.
Have filed divorced since then as ours is more than 3yrs
mutual agreement for separation is 3 years. either party disagree will be 4 years.

it's illegal to install camera to capture video of anyone having sex in the room
 

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