relationship with mother

jayjayqueenie

Active Member
my husband will go into rage sometimes. this my parents have witnessed a few times. my father will give him some opinion. but my mother will do the opposite.

she will educate me whenever something happens. in summary, my husband goes into rage due to bad mood. i told my mum that sometimes i fear my husband but she does not say anything other than educating me instead. and sometimes infront of my husband.

i have hoped and even told her that even a simple way of asking him to cool down will help me a lot. even my father will also try to talk things out nicely.

but her exact words to me are, “please la it is your marriage. why get me into the picture?”

when i hear that my heart gets broken and disappointed. even to the extent that i really hate her for leaving me in the ditch when fights happen infront of her (and my father is not around). i thought i could seek refuge but now i feel alone.

now i am trying very hard to come to terms that my mother is like this. after a few incidents i have come to realise that i can’t change my mother.

is there any of you who had similar issues with your mother and manage to come to terms with it ?
 


I believe that you are not under arranged marriage right. It’s not your mother force you to married to your husband right? What do you expect your mother to do? Beat your hubby up? Find another woman to replace you? You should ask yourself on what to do to change ur hubby. The problem is with your hubby not your mun .. hope my comment not too offensive .
 
I also feel nothing wrong with her because you are the one who chose your hubby and you should be strong with cope with his rage. Can also consider letting him to go anger management classes? I don’t think by way of talking to him helps
 
i did not say that i am not doing anything about my hubby.

i feel even as a stranger you see a guy that fly into rage, the losing end is the woman being weaker. will you go and tell the weaker party stop making the guy angry ?

if the stranger is brave enough, the weaker party will be pulled away isnt it ?
 
It’s ur marriage. She is trying not to take ur side so he hb won’t feel ur family is gang up against him. If u fear of ur hb she might be too. She fear if she say something might make his rage worst and you will blame her for that
Why don’t u sit her down n tell her what u expect to her to do or say if ur hb is in rage again?
 
i did sit down and talk to her about things that she will make things worse. my father even told her not to say or comment because they are not constructive. but her thinking is stuck to the mud.
 
i did sit down and talk to her about things that she will make things worse. my father even told her not to say or comment because they are not constructive. but her thinking is stuck to the mud.
Hugz. Maybe try ur best not to have conflict with ur husband in front of her since she is not helping with the situation.
 
as mentioned by others; you own your choice. hence pls claim ownership.

give your mum the benefit of doubt. she can't and do not know how to handle (the situation and the consequences thereafter). period. if she knows how to handle, your dad will be lik your hub. understand?

how long u need her (mum) to protect u? she knows she is aging. she needs u to learn to stand for yourself. if she fights for you, and your hub wans Dv, are u ready? will u blame her (mum) for your cause later on?

as for your hub, fight should NOT be in front of anyone. you may want talk to him abt that.

do not engage should he start a fight in front of your parent (especially). coz, this fight (in front of parent), will diminish his regard on your parents regardless who is right. Your mum felt that, somehow. as for your dad, he, out of respect of you (his daughter) and your marriage, guides (give opinion) along. coz he too felt the diminishing regard from his Son in-law.

hence tackle this yourself. you do not need reinforcement if you are right in a fight. also, keeping quiet and avoiding doesn't mean you are wrong. hence DO NOT engage w your hub when he is raging. leave him alone until he cools down.

marriage is between 2 person only.

chinese saying "you rather teach people how to educate kid than teaching ppl to leave the wife/hub.".
 
as mentioned by others; you own your choice. hence pls claim ownership.

give your mum the benefit of doubt. she can't and do not know how to handle (the situation and the consequences thereafter). period. if she knows how to handle, your dad will be lik your hub. understand?

how long u need her (mum) to protect u? she knows she is aging. she needs u to learn to stand for yourself. if she fights for you, and your hub wans Dv, are u ready? will u blame her (mum) for your cause later on?

as for your hub, fight should NOT be in front of anyone. you may want talk to him abt that.

do not engage should he start a fight in front of your parent (especially). coz, this fight (in front of parent), will diminish his regard on your parents regardless who is right. Your mum felt that, somehow. as for your dad, he, out of respect of you (his daughter) and your marriage, guides (give opinion) along. coz he too felt the diminishing regard from his Son in-law.

hence tackle this yourself. you do not need reinforcement if you are right in a fight. also, keeping quiet and avoiding doesn't mean you are wrong. hence DO NOT engage w your hub when he is raging. leave him alone until he cools down.

marriage is between 2 person only.

chinese saying "you rather teach people how to educate kid than teaching ppl to leave the wife/hub.".

i am not expecting her to protect me. also i always talk to my hubby by myself. wouldnt it be the best if there be no comments when 2 people are in a fight ? but she still feel the need to educate me. then i rather i do not need at all because i know.
 
Well, what your mum said/do is correct in a way.
Marriage is something you chose yourself (unless arranged marriage).
As a parent, she try not to involve too much in your family issue as well.
Moreover, probably she's also scare of your husband. That when he goes into rage, may hit her or what.
So probably one of the reason she dare not step into your affair.
Unlike your father, he's a man I guess. So if your hubby went into rage, at least as a man, strength etc will be greater. And can stop him if required.
Instead, probably you can talk to your husband. And asked him to share with you his problem. Rather than raging out. Is he like this all the while since when you both started dating? Or only recent? If only recent, maybe due to work or what. Try communicate with him more
 
I once had a text msg fr my SIL (my bro's wife), where she said she doesnt wanna marry my bro after d down-payment of a flat. My reaction was... huh?? Tell me 4 wat? Wat do u expect me 2 do? It happens dat she sent d same msg 2 my dad as well... imagine my reaction after I found out?

I chose not 2 get involved n i just informed my bro about d text. N I just made a comment 2 him dat if he truly think she is worth keeping den he shld do something. I replied d msg n told SIL dat whatever dat is going on bt her n my bro... they shld settle it like adults. I cant help either since I m just a 3rd party. N I told her dat she shld not have gotten my dad involved too.

She was upset n claimed dat we didnt treat her like family. 2 her, family shld come together n support one another. One needs 2 know dat when there is unhappiness, there will always b 2 sides 2 d coin....

When finally they were married, her mom made a statement 2 me "u really have a gd life... married a hubby who is willing 2 cook n take care of u... not like my daughter... never had 2 lift a finger 2 do housework but now gotta do since your bro doesnt wanna do" To dat... my reply was "actually i dunno y your daughter wanna marry my bro... he has nothing... doesnt do housework... doesnt want 2 lift a finger 2 do anything n your daughter is aware... n yet your daughter chose 2 marry him Your daughter must really love him more den he loves her. Me... I find someone who loves me more den I love him"

I just wanna say dat a marriage is between 2 families.... but when a couple argue... it's bt d 2 of them... No one has d right 2 get involved but d 2 of them. A 3rd party merely can calm d situation if it's over heated but shld never give opinion on who is right or wrong.
 
Well, what the others said is correct. Parents can't do much and most doesn't want to mind their business into your marriage.
It's a marriage you chose yourself. When quarrel occurred, it's between you both (unless involve in other family member).
 

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