M-i-l Conflict

[mum85]

How should i start.... Pardon for the long rant. Actually my relationship with my mother in law was ok before the wedding.. Not exactly chummy but it was cordial... Then it started to take a turn when planning for the wedding.. She had comments towards the wedding venue, having a church wedding.. Me and my husband was accommodating on the venue and we decided on the place.. But towards the Guo Da Li, she also started to make remarks such as, "oranges are not necessary" and even told my husband to use leftover Martell in the storeroom.. It seems that she take the Guo Da Li very lightly but it doesnt make sense as she had her Guo Da Li for her own wedding as well. She didnt even "Ti Qing" to my mother while she said that her own wedding, her mother in law went to Ti Qing to her parents. I start to wonder is it because i am a single parent family that i was looked down upon. The unhappiness was building up, i complained a lot to my husband and even told my mother in law over the phone that i didnt feel like getting married anymore. When i told my husband to be that his mother is not respectful over the Guo Da Li, he simply just brush it aside by saying that his mother is not like this.

Things became worse during the actual Guo Da Li. Actually my husband's family are staunch Christians while my family is from Malaysia.. When choosing a date for the Guo Da Li, my father in law simply just choose whichever date they are convenient and not an auspicious date. Then again, i am not too concern about the date but the mentality of convenience. Then during the actual Guo Da Li, the angbao amount was different from the actual amount agreed. Initially, i didnt want to make a big fuss, but i could not take it and blasted at my husband. My husband simply just think that it is his mum mistake.. His mum asked him how should she rectify, and he just say to top up the amount. I told my husband that according to tradition, nobody does that. Then for many days, i felt extremely upset that my family was not respected. As i had an estranged father, my family was looked down upon by relatives in Malaysia as well. Then, i found out from my friend that her betrothal gift was much more and i was even more upset. I am not concerned over the money but rather the respect given. Then, my husband arrange for his parents to approach this issue by coming to my house. My mother in law started crying and said that she isn't like this and christian teaching say that they should give double to compensate. She also said that my father in law scolded her over this cock up.. I felt that when she said double, she was just trying to show off and by crying, she has already won the battle. I am not sure if i was too petty or my mother in law was putting up a show. Then it seems that the conflict died down... But the next day, i started quarrelling with my husband on this matter and my husband shouted at me to stop kicking up a fuss. I feel that my husband didnt stand by me on this matter... My own mother also scolded him to say that i am a "huang hua gui nu" and not a remarried lady, so the family should deserve more respect over the Guo Da Li.. i am not sure if they look down on my family because my Mum and Brother had to move in after the marriage as well. Even when i look at the "Si Dian Jin", i know that the gold quality is not so good (originally she wanted to buy from Meyson, silver jewellery as they had promotion.. but i strongly told her that i wanted gold)
Then my husband tried to resolve the matter by reporting to his mother, and immediately, the mother came with another angbao (probably at the instructions of my husband) with a few thousand dollars. They didnt enter the house, but before they left, i clearly heard my husband dad telling him to think of it clearly before getting married. i was like, usually parents will advice them to patch.. and not break!.

 

[mum85]

Part II

Anyways, there wasn't much occasion that i will see them before the actual wedding... except for the church rehearsal.. i feel that i respected them by going to church with my husband every week so that they will be happy. They wanted my husband and me to have a church wedding, i also compromise. After the rehearsal, my mother went to tell my mother in law that in future, to minimise conflict, i will not be joining their weekly family dinner.. my mother in law clearly said, "it is ok, we understand". My Father in law however said that it takes time, so take it slow.. i find it absurd that my mother in law is a working lady yet she can put in such comments.. My own mother had not work before her whole life, so if she put in such comments, i can understand.. But for someone who has regular contact with people, colleagues, such comments are just ridiculous. I may think that maybe she is not familiar with traditional practices etc, but is not the case as sometimes, over conversations, she seems to be familiar as well..


Then, everything seems ok after the wedding for a year or so, till i was pregnant. I started going for weekly dinners with them as well and it seems ok so far

Even when we went for honeymoon, we bought gifts for them. I may forgive but i cannot forget. There was one occasion i remembered very clearly.. My husband's car was parked at their condo as he went on business trip. I needed to use the car, so he arranged for his mother to pass me the key. I went over to her house with my mum to pick up the key.. After she open the door, she didnt even say hi, then said that the key is left on the table.. and wanted to quickly close the door as she needed to do her laundry. At that moment, i felt that in front of my husband, she's trying to portrait the Good Cop image, but once my husband is away, she gives me the vibes that she dislike me.

 

[mum85]

part III

The first trimester was difficult for me as i was having very bad morning sickness. Then they visited me every week while i was bedridden.. Sometimes the visit was peppered with comments such as " Not sure why she's like this, last time we were never like this". i didnt not kick up a fuss with my husband... Towards the 2nd Trimester i was feeling better and started having weekly dinners again. There was this one time, the waiting time was too long and i was super duper hungry. My Mother in Law asked me to eat white rice!. I immediately fumed as i felt that she was pregnant before, she should understand the hunger pangs. Even my boss asked me to eat anytime i want and my boss is single. I also saw from instagram how other's Mother In Law care for them by cooking nutritious food for them, i felt that she isn't concern over her grandson at all. To be fair, she does buy fish/meat and birdnest for my mother to cook for me... but i think that i can afford those as well, she dont need to buy for me. And for the birdnest, i happen to drop by the shop and i realise that the birdnest she bought was on promotion, thus is of not so good quality. Even though i was from a single parent family, my grandmother had some money, so i was familiar with good quality birdnest. Also, when my brother in law broke his hand or my father in law had some medical check up, she can offer to cook chicken soup for them.. But throughout my pregnancy she never cooked for me at all.. Only one time when my husband said, then she said that when do we want to eat, she will cook. I feel that she's not concern over the well being of her grand child throughout this period. My husband simply just brush aside that her mum is not like this


Thereafter i gave birth... then more issues arise. At the ward, my father in law, mother in law and my own mother was there the night i gave birth.. Then the next day, my fil took leave while mil went to work in the morning. My mother was excited to go to the hospital the next day morning, while my fil even though on leave, decided to come only in the evening with my mil. Actually my mil could have come in the afternoon after work but she always had to finish her housework first.. I totally could not understand the dynamics as i had seen others whose Fil/Mil took leave and stayed there the whole day to accompany.

 

[mum85]

part IV

Since it was natural birth, i quickly discharged from hospital to start my confinement... In the first week of confinement, both of them came every day to see the baby, but it was only after their work, later evening around 7-8... There was one time they came at that time, then my confinement lady was feeding the baby in the room with lights off. Then my mother in law went in and said loudly that since baby is still awake, bring the baby outside to the living room and let my fil see... i didnt complain to my husband, but that very night, my baby was probably over simulated and fuss throughout the night. i was so angry that i told my husband to tell them to come only once a week and in the day.. They didnt listen, and came on the weekends, and Sun, they like to come before the weekly dinner around 6-7pm.. my husband didnt stop them... And once again, there was a 7pm visit and baby fussed the whole night. And during my recovery stage, i couldnt bend down because of my wound, there was one incident when she saw the bathing tub dropped and didnt help me picked up. Another time, she will just barge into my room to see me feeding my baby... hello, i am not an animal in a zoo... .


I am not comfortable with my mother in law carrying my child because i feel that they don't dote on him much.. Like they need to complete their tasks before coming to see their grandson since is On the Way.. and each visit is only less than 30 mins as they are rushing off to elsewhere to do their stuff... Then on Sundays, they need to spend time in church, thus only evening time they are free.. So they don't put their priority on their grandson, i don't feel that my grandson is safe with my mother in law. Why cant they come in the morning to see the baby before they do their own stuff? i want to protect my baby from them.. Over the many incidents, my relationship with my husband had strained because i feel that he is always backing them up and make me feel that i am being difficult. He also never realised that my mother in law dislike me because of all the small actions she does (bath tub, car key) when he is not around. And my mother in law ridiculously bought a gold chain for my mother, thanking her for taking care of the baby, but intentionally or unintentionally left the receipt in the box, saying that it is the warranty.. i bought enough gold to know that they can remove the receive but still verify. They are nt around when the baby refuse to sleep, and keep crying but yet they want to play with him the moment he stops crying, without any effort. Or they will come and disrupt my babies sleep, and we need to soothe the baby throughout the night. i dont think it is fair for me...


Please let me know whose issue is it.. i am open to advice... and my relationship with my husband is affected because i keep feeling that he is backing them up....

 

[guyinthecorner]

It does sound like a very complicated relationship with your parents in law. Have you tried talking to counsellors?

 

[Sunnydaysagainz]

A relationship has to be built. We don’t get married to our husbands and expect our relationship with our in-laws to automatically become good with no issues.

From the gifts your MIL have given you from time to time, regardless of their value, I felt she did think of you that’s why she gave them to you. Have you given her anything in return from before marriage till now?

And with regards to her asking you to eat only rice when you were hungry and not cooking for you, I think she doesn’t know your likings and probably worry that you won’t like her cooking? I think it’s not fair to expect her to cook for you because if she does, it’s bonus. Have you cooked a meal for her before then?

It’s understandable to want to finish tasks before visiting your baby because then they can relax and enjoy playing with your baby. I’m always very stressed when I cannot finish preparing food or housework before I go and pick my Son from childcare. If they are visiting too late, perhaps your Husband can tell them to visit earlier over the weekends instead? Somebody has to communicate to them if not, they wouldn’t know.

Personally I felt that as daughters in law we have to take the initiatives to do things for our MIL and build the relationship. It’s two way. Some suggestions, cook them meals/ bring them to dinners/ bring baby out together (even without Husband since you are on maternity leave). Hope you understand what I’m getting at and jiayou!

 

[margret]

What I can say is different people have different lifestyle of living.
Many things are minor issues. To stay as a family need tolerant and give way to each other.
Your husband is stuck in between for pil and you. Try to understand his position

 

[JL8118]

That's one of the main regarding different culture.
Like margret mentioned, different people have different lifestyle of living.
Give and Take is one way to keep the relationship on going
Though your hubby seems doesn't have his stand at times, but he's also stuck between your MIL and you.
Is he the only son? If so, such relationship is very difficult to be broken. So most of the time, he will side his mum than you...

 

[mum85]

That's one of the main regarding different culture.
Like margret mentioned, different people have different lifestyle of living.
Give and Take is one way to keep the relationship on going
Though your hubby seems doesn't have his stand at times, but he's also stuck between your MIL and you.
Is he the only son? If so, such relationship is very difficult to be broken. So most of the time, he will side his mum than you...

No.. he has other siblings as well .. Even though he says that he dont side but i feel that way...

 

[mum85]

A relationship has to be built. We don’t get married to our husbands and expect our relationship with our in-laws to automatically become good with no issues.

From the gifts your MIL have given you from time to time, regardless of their value, I felt she did think of you that’s why she gave them to you. Have you given her anything in return from before marriage till now?

And with regards to her asking you to eat only rice when you were hungry and not cooking for you, I think she doesn’t know your likings and probably worry that you won’t like her cooking? I think it’s not fair to expect her to cook for you because if she does, it’s bonus. Have you cooked a meal for her before then?

It’s understandable to want to finish tasks before visiting your baby because then they can relax and enjoy playing with your baby. I’m always very stressed when I cannot finish preparing food or housework before I go and pick my Son from childcare. If they are visiting too late, perhaps your Husband can tell them to visit earlier over the weekends instead? Somebody has to communicate to them if not, they wouldn’t know.

Personally I felt that as daughters in law we have to take the initiatives to do things for our MIL and build the relationship. It’s two way. Some suggestions, cook them meals/ bring them to dinners/ bring baby out together (even without Husband since you are on maternity leave). Hope you understand what I’m getting at and jiayou!

The gifts she gave for the wedding is part of tradition, so is a given.. But I feel that more concern can be given to me and baby through real action rather than gifts which is somewhat more convenient. Even before i was pregnant, i always buy food and gifts for them, but the feeling given was rather unappreciative.. Actually, to my husband and their sibling their reaction are also quite cold when they buy stuff for them. They tend to come see the baby when is on the way or when is evening time, after they are free.. Why can't they come as their priority then finish their tasks later?? My husband already told them to not come in the evening,, but every week they will still text my husband... Actually my husband need not tell me they text, but he always does.. But frankly emotionally i am not sure as well, because my father left me to support the family when I was 16... and one of the trigger was his mother who said bad stuff..

 

[tiggerpooh]

I hope things r better now for u and your extended family.

From d long rant... i think u r holding too much unhappiness inside u. It takes 2 to clap... sometimes we want pple 2 b nice 2 us, but we expect them 2 b nice 1st... d thing is... y cant we take d 1st step? D only reason is... pride is stopping us fr doing it.

Everything takes time... relationship dat withstand hardships r not formed overnight unless something terrible happened. Den it will make or break d relationship.

Strained relationship can b repaired, but u will need 2 b "gracious" n forget all d unhappiness dat happened b4... Like u said, u can forgive, but cannot forget... It's so tiring, dont u think so?

U have a child now, think of d blessings dat u have... Instead of thinking y your PIL has 2 finish all their chores b4 going over 2 visit their grand child, y dont u think fr another angle? Dat they may b tired after all d chores r done, n still make time 4 your child? I m not sure of your PIL's age, but I m sure without helper, cleaning is not gonna b ez 4 both of them esp when u mentioned dat your MIL is wking too.

 

[Sunnydaysagainz]

The gifts she gave for the wedding is part of tradition, so is a given.. But I feel that more concern can be given to me and baby through real action rather than gifts which is somewhat more convenient. Even before i was pregnant, i always buy food and gifts for them, but the feeling given was rather unappreciative.. Actually, to my husband and their sibling their reaction are also quite cold when they buy stuff for them. They tend to come see the baby when is on the way or when is evening time, after they are free.. Why can't they come as their priority then finish their tasks later?? My husband already told them to not come in the evening,, but every week they will still text my husband... Actually my husband need not tell me they text, but he always does.. But frankly emotionally i am not sure as well, because my father left me to support the family when I was 16... and one of the trigger was his mother who said bad stuff..

Hmm I think it doesn't matter if their reactions are cold when you buy them things. It's probably the way they are (?) I personally don't like to receive gifts... but I will keep them for some time before I use them or throw them away. I think you just do your part as a daughter in law, showing care and concern through your own ways. With regards to whether they reciprocate the same way, I think we just lower our expectations. If they do, be grateful. If not, we will still treat them with respect. This is my personal take.

I think there's nothing wrong if they want to visit their grandchild everyday. My in laws were so happy that they visited almost every day also. They sat in the living room whole day... even though baby was either sleeping or drinking milk in the bedroom. But my husband did communicate... then they shorten their visits. Continue to try getting your husband to communicate if possible. Or even if they come in the evenings, can make arrangements such as alternate days or something?

Honestly I understand how you are feeling... with a new baby and life has changed upside down. It takes two hands to clap... and a complete family is important for the child. Give yourself more time to accept the changes... and when your baby is older, sleeping better and more interactive, things will get better! I'm actually grateful to my in laws who help me look after from time to time, or even on weekends, so I could have some time for myself. Couldn't imagine having my baby with me 24/7.

 

[Mongkok]

I think you have placed yourself in a difficult position.

you actually wanted people to priorities over you. you want ppl to live around you. (i am not siding your MIL or other)

you want visits, but at your timing.
you want others to suit your mood and act accord to your liking.
you look beyond the gesture and scrutinized the gift and action. no gift not happy. gift liao say it's cheap stuff. come visit say timing not right....

you being mean to yourself and ppl ard you.

Say, when your MIL can do all things accord to your liking. you will still end up telling yourself "aiya, only becoz of my son, that she so accommodating...".

i b frank. everyone has a life. you are unhappy coz u feel no-one give u a damn. u think she looked down on you (as she stay in a condo).

you are an able person, with a good life and kid. unfortunately, you blind yourself by staying petty on everything. aren't you justifying to everyone that YES you are a 'lower' being?

being from a single family is not an issue. the issue now is you actually mind your own background.

 

[2Kmummy]

hello mum85, actually this is the first time i'm replying to a post on the forum. i've been a silent reader to other threads. But somehow, i felt we are kinda in the same boat.. haha..

me n mil were literally good friends during my dating times with my hubby. we even go out shopping alone - i didn't even do that with my mom last time, which i felt so bad.

downfall came when we were planning to get married. alot of remarks and comments and suggestions came abt. she even wanna control how frequent i go back niang jia. which i found it so ridiculous!

then came pregnancy, and how she biased she was, preferring a boy than a girl. even the females in their own family looked down on girls. and tell me to keep giving birth till have a boy. it's crazy! to a point, where my hubby's SIL was giving birth to third kid (G-B-G), and she can still nag about the SIL already first one is girl, third one still girl. sld have given birth to a boy first! come on lah! pple giving birth to 3rd kid liao! still talk abt first kid for wat lor! alot of other frictions came about. it came to a point where i felt, the lesser we see/meet, the lesser friction.

So, for ur case, they coming once a week, and 30min a session, i think it's great news! ur baby will have all u and ur hubby's love.. and of coz ur mom! try not to get too heat up with ur hubby bcoz of his family (which i did, and i didn't find it too helpful in our r/s). don't be too bothered abt them and their behavior. u will feel happier. baby will feel your love!

 

[mum85]

Actually, I think is a built up from the wedding. I felt that my family was disrespected from the tradition. From young, because of my Father, I needed to protect my family from my relatives. My Father dislike me because of what his mother said.
I am Malaysian, so not sure if I am more traditional to be more focus on the bethrotal ceremony.
Then, coming to the wedding, I felt that I needed to fight to get what my family deserve.

Then my Son, my parents in laws makes me feel unenthusiastic. Recently they bought clothes from Uniqlo after I mentioned that the baby wears that... she bought only one piece, wrong style and big size... I really wonder where is their heart?

I really feel I put in a lot effort but my Husband, his parents doesn’t seem to put in any effort. Only like to enjoy the fruits of my labour. I really feel they are selfish.

In Essence , I think everything is a built up. If there’s a mediator to recommend, please let me know...

If psychologically I have issue, please advice as well

 

[Mongkok]

It's healthy to do self reflection. Actually, nothing wrong w u. But a tact too defensive and not tactful.

Let's face the fact (of life). Noone owes anyone a living. Hence don't expect returns when u give. In life, always 'DOY' (Depend On Yourself).

U want something, get it yourself. Don't ask from others. The more u ask, the more u don't get. Understand?

Btw, you validate your own effort, the recipient feedback otherwise. That MAY means unappreciated or u overly assume. In future, give only expect zero returns. Not giving doesn't mean selfish. Give, doesn't mean generous. Understand?

Build up your self-worth. Love yourself more & u will b loved. In short, don't go touch a porcupine (MIL?), gotten hurt, and start crying foul.

Btw, you didn't give birth to a future king right? So, the HOO-HAAs stays within a handful lor.

 

[mum85]

initially it could be my issue.. but it seems like every other thing she is poking at me or sarcastic at me .. now whatever she's trying to do or rectify, i just feel is fake... because an issue has happened than she rectify.. .

 

[mum85]

hello mum85, actually this is the first time i'm replying to a post on the forum. i've been a silent reader to other threads. But somehow, i felt we are kinda in the same boat.. haha..

me n mil were literally good friends during my dating times with my hubby. we even go out shopping alone - i didn't even do that with my mom last time, which i felt so bad.

downfall came when we were planning to get married. alot of remarks and comments and suggestions came abt. she even wanna control how frequent i go back niang jia. which i found it so ridiculous!

then came pregnancy, and how she biased she was, preferring a boy than a girl. even the females in their own family looked down on girls. and tell me to keep giving birth till have a boy. it's crazy! to a point, where my hubby's SIL was giving birth to third kid (G-B-G), and she can still nag about the SIL already first one is girl, third one still girl. sld have given birth to a boy first! come on lah! pple giving birth to 3rd kid liao! still talk abt first kid for wat lor! alot of other frictions came about. it came to a point where i felt, the lesser we see/meet, the lesser friction.

So, for ur case, they coming once a week, and 30min a session, i think it's great news! ur baby will have all u and ur hubby's love.. and of coz ur mom! try not to get too heat up with ur hubby bcoz of his family (which i did, and i didn't find it too helpful in our r/s). don't be too bothered abt them and their behavior. u will feel happier. baby will feel your love!

is great that they come lesser to cause lesser friction... but i keep feeling that they don't dote on their grandson.. They dont like me is ok, but is their grandson, following their surname. like my Mil can say ok baby sleep already lets go... it seems like they treat my house like a zoo.. Now my MIL is trying to make time.. but i am trying to stop it to avoid more conflict... i just feel that she's fake

 

[DonLee]

At least they buy clothes for your kids... Or see your kids...
Some don't even bother to buy/see...
Kids grow fast especially for the first few months... So they buy bigger size is quite natural.
As for see your kids awhile till they fall asleep, they don't want to disturb the baby nap I guess.
Try think in positive way, where it could make you feel better.

 

[gohalison]

Hi, I feel that you shd not keep holding on to the past, wedding all that already over but you still have bad feelings that are still accumulating which is not healthy for the mind

I also come from a single family (my dad passed away when I was 4), as long as we don’t look down on ourselves why bother abt what others think?

At least your mil is trying to ‘right the wrongs’ - be it her hubby reprimanded her or whatever, but it’s the thought that counts

Anyway I don’t think my mil will bother to ‘right any wrongs’
During my pregnancy my mil didn’t cook anything special for me even though i’m staying with her, no bird nest, no new clothes for my boy (even though she goes shopping every wk and buy new clothes for herself)

Just try not to have any expectations so that you will not be disappointed
If they buy you anything, it’s a bonus and count your blessings, be grateful
Not every woman likes grandsons, at least for my mil, I know she prefers girls (cos she has 4 sons), so when your mil dotes on your son, be grateful..

Can I ask you, are you tired after a day of work, after doing Hsework? I’m sure your mil is, but she still makes effort to see your son - be grateful, count your blessings

Baby slept and so they left, did it cross your mind that they left hoping that you can get some rest? A lot of mummies only get to rest or do their stuff when baby is sleeping, so it could be gd intention on their part - wanting you to rest..

Probably you still think that your mil shouldn’t do this or that, just remember that all of us come from different upbringing, you grumble abt her, she could also be grumbling abt you, things that are your priorities might not be hers..vice verse..

Just remember that next time, when you become a mil yourself, you just don’t ‘repeat’ the things that she do that makes you upset

Give and take, try to understand from her POV and hopefully things will get better, jiayou!

 

[schomp5]

1. Wedding

Perhaps because she is a Christian hence not very familiar with Chinese customs for wedding. She just finds it troublesome and wanted to save on money. You had a different idea, and you are free to voice it out or gently remind her of the customs which you mind.

Choosing a date for Guo Da LI, my husband and I went to do with a geomancer that my aunt recommended. Don’t expect your in-laws to do everything for you. You said you are not concern about the date but the mentality of convenience -> doesn’t it appears to you that your in-laws really dislike troublesome tiny matters?

The angbao is just a tradition, my mom never make any request of a specific amount. I let my husband decide. I think the amount was he coughed up anyway. As long as auspicious figure, I don’t think it shows respect/disrespect. For your information, I don’t even have “Si Dian Jin” and I don’t demand it or being upset because I know my in-laws are too ang mo pai to care about that, plus gave and then what? Store in storeroom after wedding, waiting to be robbed.

Conclusion: Yes, you make a big fuss over small issue.

2. Weekly family dinner

This is between your mom and his mom conversation; don’t think you have to make such a judgement on your mil – I see no link actually.

3. Car’s key

She could be really busy at that moment – just give her benefit of doubt. As for honeymoon buying gifts, that is quite normal. What do you mean by “even”?

 

[schomp5]

4. Pregnancy

First trimester I didn’t even let my in-laws know even though they keep pressurizing and I kept the news of my two miscarriages from them. I am sure yours are just puzzled over your morning sickness, concerned if there’s anything they can do to make you feel better. I don’t suffer any morning sickness throughout the 3 pregnancies (2 failed). She asked you to eat the white rice first because worried you will hungry waiting for the other food to be done? Surely you don’t wish to eat half-cooked food ba. Don’t look at Instagram etc and make comparisons (surely you won’t like if your hubby keeps looking at playboy magazines and compare you with other models). My mil doesn’t even buy anything for me despite knowing I am pregnant (which I don’t expect her to). Bird’s nest just go buy on your own (husband pay) – what quality or quantity or discount you can have your liking. I felt if she cooked for you, you’d hiam. Don’t cook you also jealous. Quite hard to please.

The giving birth part I shan’t comment too much because I am not at that stage yet, but I don’t wish to trouble the in-laws to visit, they can do at their convenience. Most important is time and privacy given for the moms to bond with their kids.

Your part IV and part III very conflicted, not sure was it due to pregnancy hormones raging. You want them to give you priority in visiting then after that restrict them from visiting. The in-laws are aged too. Do you expect them to bend down and help you to pick up the bathing tub? Just wait till later, ask hubby for help lo.

5. Baby

This I will feel is partially your fault as well, considering what you mentioned in first para part IV. They wanted to show concern for your child, but was shown “black face” by you most of the times they visited (inferred from your tone). How to dote on your child when you are not comfortable with them carrying him? You want them to give you priority over their “other stuff” but not welcoming them into your house at all and not feeling safe for your son to be with them. I am sure they do have observation skills and felt hurt by your actions/words.

Your mil is quite kind to buy jewelry for your mom, leaving the receipt for warranty is normal. You are being a bit over-sensitive. So they can only appear when you need them to soothe your crying baby but disappear when your baby stop crying?! That’s very self-centered thinking.

Not sure if you are suffering from post-natal depression, you might want to clear the negative thoughts and try to think more positively. Your husband must have been feeling really squashed in-between you and his parents.

Talking about feeling like an animal in the zoo, my mil asked to come our house, didn't let us know till last min she was bring her colleague as well and I am pregnant (not looking very nice). While I had a breakdown because of this issue, my hubby actually misunderstood as I don't wish to see his mom (which is not true, just the colleague who we are not close at all). He got upset only till at night, after they left that we clarified this misunderstanding.

 

[mum85]

Last Sunday they wanted to come visit my baby. Originally they said to come at 3.30.. I told my husband that they need to shower than come, especially when they go to church and played with the kids at Sun School.. So end up they said to come at 4.30. Then, they told my husband that as their meetings ended late, they can only come at 5.30. I told my Husband to tell them not to come, but my husband said to come awhile is ok.

Finally they came at 5.45, then stayed till 6.30.. and kept talking to my baby and play with him. Usually by 5.30 he already start to wind down

Then Mon night my baby slept well.. But Tue, my baby started to fuss the whole day and cranky.. Till Tue night he find it difficult to deep sleep. i suspect is overstimulated by my PIL, then baby require me to carry than able to sleep a while.. but while slping still fuss. I threw a fuss to my husband but let him sleep as he needed to work. This morning, i scolded him again for letting his parents come at 5.30, even though i said not to come anymore.

Once again i feel that my husband nv protect me and baby, and my PIL just want to make things difficult for me and my Baby..
Now i just told my husband that we should seperate for awhile as there's no pt of him being around since he cannot help us.

 

[schomp5]

Firstly, can't they shower at your place? Then there won't be that much delay...

Secondly, baby cranky on Tue but you blamed them who came in on Sun... baby can get cranky any day or time, should not put the blame on the in-laws, this is just natural.

Thirdly, do think about your husband. He is being squeezed in the middle. I do think you need help, as in seeking a doctor opinion or a counselor. There is a lot of negativity building up. Please don't separate yourself from your husband. Will you be able to pass your baby to your own parents to take care for a while? I think it will be an opportunity to resolve issues with your husband and a chance for you to rest to prevent being overwhelmed by motherly duties.

 

[Crysta1]

Hi,

before i comment, just wan to let u know that u might feel pressured and even "why all of u here not siding with me either" (like ur hubby) after reading some of our replies.. but these are all based on the circumstances/issues u have brought up in this thread, and it's our honest views based on these conditions presented (like we still dunno the body language or tone that your mil / pil / hubby could have used in order to judge the entire situation here)... not that we are trying to pinpoint u or emphasise ur faults, but we like to open up ur mindset and see the bigger picture or different viewpoints here..

Wedding
Yes i do agree with some comments above - it could due to different culture/religion/background, that's why your and ur mil's priorities are different. Ur mil may not have placed as much value as you do to the Chinese custom traditions and Guo Da Li ceremony, but did u emphasise to her that u dun feel the same? A simple convo would be suffice to get ur message across.. "although we want to keep it simple, but I still want to at least get the Guo Da Li, AngBao and Si Dian Jin tradition properly done" (in return u r willing to compromise to a church wedding)..

I myself tend to be more practical - i didnt hold a formal wedding; just a simple buffet at home for tea ceremony.. Angbao my side has NO DEMAND; my hubby just put an amount he deem suitable and anyway the angbao came back to me and my hubby (one big round back to us - this is for show only lah haha).. Si Dian Jin I myself also have NO DEMAND / EXPECTATION (not like need to have ring/earring/necklace/bracelet blah blah), I initially told my mil i do not need it, but she insisted so i leave it all to my mil, she wan give me whatever she wan, she happy can liao...

As long as u have the DEMAND / EXPECTATION, it's important to get it across (not like u said before can liao, they need to understand also.. said before ≠ understand...).. Dun everything also complain to ur husband and expect he do something about it.. Put urself in his shoe, dun u feel it's very difficult to tell ur own mother that she's not respecting the wife/hubby here? it make it seems like it's a extremely serious matter and ur hubby could have not want to worsen u and ur mil relationship further...

not every mil/pil out there are as accommodating as mine; they were okay to my and my hubby's wish to hold a simple wedding.. same like ur mil/pil - they could have really wanted a simple chinese wedding tradition customs, and focus more on the church wedding instead since they are christians.. their priority are different from urs! On the other hand, u may not be placing much priority to the church wedding becos u r compromising to them; it may not even be on ur wishlist in the first place (just an assumption here, disclaimer first haha)..

Weekly family dinner + car key incident + other issues
I feel that whatever happened during/for the wedding, has had adversely affected the relationship of u and ur mil/pil side.. like u ownself said - "built up from the wedding"... becos of this, u may have a grudge or hard feelings towards ur mil and everything they do, u would subconsciously link it to the negative side... Let it go, dun harp on the past.. unless u intend to leave ur hubby, the fact that ur mil is ur hubby's mother do not change..

u also mentioned that "it seems like every other thing she is poking at me or sarcastic at me .. now whatever she's trying to do or rectify, i just feel is fake".. doesn't this show that u might have a hard feeling towards ur mil? she may not even trying to be sarcastic here! It's just wad u think or feel... U need to understand all these feelings u have, she wont know and wont feel it either. She may not even feel that she's been "ill-treating" u all these while, u wouldn't know too right? While u are unable to change how she feel or think, u can change yours! so why not?

All the things u mentioned make me feel that u are actually quite demanding, or a control freak... [sorry to say this, but it's just wad i feel based on these info huh.. u maybe not be this way in real life..] Ppl come visit got issue, dun come u think they dun care enough.. buy thing u also dun like or 嫌东嫌西, dun buy u also say.. how to please u???
personally i think ur mil's way of thinking (the practical style, buy discounted stuff, do hsework first etc) seems fine to me (quite close to my way of living), but because u hav been brought up by ur mum differently and have a different lifestyle, it is inevitable there will be different views......

like wad gohalison mentioned.. rmb next time, when you become a mil yourself, you just don’t ‘repeat’ the things that she do that makes you upset.. u never know, maybe ur future daughter in law may find u demanding or even controlling??

i agree to what some have said above for advices to u -
1) try not to have any expectations so that you will not be disappointed..
2) different people have different lifestyle of living. To stay as a family need tolerant and give way to each other.
3) different people have different views. instead of demanding them to see it in your own point of view, learn to compromise and appreciate them.
4) dun try to change other people's way of doing / thinking in the first place (aka dun be controlling).. change urs first den assess the situation further...

Baby
Okay, lastly the baby issue.
I myself have a 10mo baby now, taken care by my MIL. I admitted some things my mil did, i also not very happy/satisfied.. sometime i complain to my hubby.. sometime i will directly tell my mil herself (in a nice tone la).. but still, I am grateful for her to be taking care of my son..

Every baby is different. and each baby's monthly milestone and growth is also different.. i dun think it's right to say that it's ur pil overstimulating the baby which require u to carry than able to sleep a while.. this is BLAMING... why are u linking unrelated events together? Hav u ever thought that it's just the baby growth? My son also has sleep regression sometimes.. it happened once in a while.. it's natural.. maybe u shld read up more on this...
Are u a sahm? or be returning to work?
Assuming u r working, and u mentioned that ur baby usually start to wind down by 530pm, so does that mean if u r coming home from work ard 6+pm, u cant interact with ur baby too??

Regarding coming to ur hse to see baby, u told ur Husband to tell them not to come since they can only come at 530.. understand u may have ur concern for not overwhelming ur baby during evening/night, but wouldnt it appear that u r not very welcoming ur mil/pil? ur husband could have not bear to tell them not to come considering his relationship to his own parents..

last advice to u -
5) try to understand ur husband position. he's their son, like how ur baby will always be ur baby. he seems to be bring squeezed in between.. i'm sure u wont be happy if ur hubby keep complain about ur own mum and make u try to talk to her...have a HTH talk with ur husband and rmb dun mention about the past like the wedding (成年往事liao pls, u shld be letting them go...)..

Hope u understand wad i mean, and jiayou to u..
Wishing u a better in-laws relationship in future..

 

[schomp5]

@mum85, I don't know if it will help improve your situation. Have you try being nice to your parents in law? LIke cooking for them, baking stuff and delivering it to them? Inviting them yourself to your house? Finding out their likes/dislikes from your husband and then try to please them?

Most of the stuff you told us are your parents in law actually making an effort on their part trying to be nice to you. The only part I get from you making that effort was buying gift for them during your honeymoon. Oh, even when you try to be nice and they didn't return the same feeling, just continue trying. They are after all your hubby's parents (just like you taking care of your son now, you'd wish that your daughter-in-law next time will continue striving to build a good relationship with you.) You can complained to your husband, but shouldn't scold him for his parents, especially saying things like "you're useless, unable to protect me and the son." <- Are you and your son being harmed physically? What protection are you talking about? If against sickness, best protection will be vaccines ba, not your husband.

 

[Lambi]

Last Sunday they wanted to come visit my baby. Originally they said to come at 3.30.. I told my husband that they need to shower than come, especially when they go to church and played with the kids at Sun School.. So end up they said to come at 4.30. Then, they told my husband that as their meetings ended late, they can only come at 5.30. I told my Husband to tell them not to come, but my husband said to come awhile is ok.

Finally they came at 5.45, then stayed till 6.30.. and kept talking to my baby and play with him. Usually by 5.30 he already start to wind down

Then Mon night my baby slept well.. But Tue, my baby started to fuss the whole day and cranky.. Till Tue night he find it difficult to deep sleep. i suspect is overstimulated by my PIL, then baby require me to carry than able to sleep a while.. but while slping still fuss. I threw a fuss to my husband but let him sleep as he needed to work. This morning, i scolded him again for letting his parents come at 5.30, even though i said not to come anymore.

Once again i feel that my husband nv protect me and baby, and my PIL just want to make things difficult for me and my Baby..
Now i just told my husband that we should seperate for awhile as there's no pt of him being around since he cannot help us.

You mentioned Monday your bb slept well but Tuesday he fuss. Could it be wind from milk..sometimes it not necessary means overly stimulation as it happened not the day itself but after 2days..

 

[yves]

Hi
I also had bad experience with MIL since I gave birth in 2012. Long story short, quote you some scenarios
1) had contractions since tri 2 and it was like every few minutes interval and lasted till maybe tri 3.
2) did not visit MIL since then and seldom go out even to my own parents’ home due to discomfort.
3) PIL travelled all the way to our house area to meet my hubby for dinner without coming up and see how I was every week during my discomfort. Not that my hubby told them not to or they were afraid to disturb me. I didnt ask the real reason as if I were to ask, my hubby will relay the message and then they were come up to visit me just because I brought up the topic. So what’s the use?
4) Went for breakfast near MIL house as I thought long time never visit her since I felt much better from contraction like a month before my EDD. She asked if I took any tonic, I replied: yes, my mum boiled birdnest for me.. her reply: ok, I go toilet!!!!!

Note that my relationship with her was fine all along as we visited her almost every wekk before I had contraction!

NEXT DAY after I delivered, she visited mi in late noon and told me: You know you cant drink plain water? But she came empty handed, expecting me to drink what? Maybe she thought hospital will provide or my mum SHOULD boil for me? She likes to think in a way which is convenient for her as she is a lazy person whom my grandfather in law also said to me: your MIL is very lazy! I was shocked to hear this from the elder directly...Due to quarrel, she told me she only knew about me delivering very late when I already gave birth the night before. To give her benefit of doubt, next morning should alrdy been informed and she only visited me late noon...

When my confinement nanny came, MIL will also come and see baby. That’s perfectly fine but she came here once at almost 12pm, asking confinement nanny if can cook her lunch also cos she was hungry! On that day, I had not drank a sip of water nor taken my breakfast too cos I was handling my baby. My nanny task was just to bath baby and cook for me. The rest I do it myself. When nanny heard MIL’s request, she came in and said ur soup not ready, ur MIL is hungry, so I will eat with her first! As I just gave birth, I was very emotional. i texted my hubby that i was hungry and thirsty (in fact I started to feel giddy cos bf without water in take), but your mother said she was hungry and so nanny and her started their lunch.. You may find it weird why dont I said it myself to them that I want to eat first, but after birth, I became very emotional easily and my hubby was someone whom I always reach out to. Anyway in the end, hubby called his mum and said to let me eat first.. she dan realised I haven’t eaten and let me eat. What I want to say is: why can she eat first before coming to my house? My nanny is for me to use, not for her!

I let my nanny go after a week cos both my hubby and I felt that we dont need her as she is not doing much thing (in fact she said I was the easiest client to work with cos nothing for her to do) since most of the time, I was always the one handling baby plus we were not comfortable with strangers at home.

MIL knew about our decision, she told my hubby infront of me: I will come and help in noon. Guess what? Her help was: after coming into our house, she will reached straight to toilet, not to wash hands or legs but to pee. Its ok to pee but after per, she doesnt wash her hands cos my floor or basin was dry still..
At time when she came out from toilet, I was in bedroom toilet bathing my gal, she will only sit in living room without coming into my room to help me. My ger cried badly during each bath and will only stop after she dressed up! MIL never bother to help me. It’s not that she thought I will mind her entering our room as she came in beforehand, but she doesnt want to help. Everyday she comes, she also buy food, not for me but my hubby. Reminding me to let my hubby eat the char shao or whatever food that were not meant for me...yes maybe she tot confinement period cannot anyhow eat but fruits oso for my hubby. Nothing for me.

There’s lot more to what I have quoted but I shall not bored you..What I want to highlight is: there are good MILs and annoying MILs. Those annoying MILs is not because we DILs don’t reciprocate or never take the first step.. they are sometimes too insensitive. My MIL was complaining to me that last time her SIL (she doesnt has MIL cos passed away) never helped her boiled logan red date tea when she stayed at their home. Maybe that why she is also learning from her SIL, never boiled logan red date tea for me during confinement after my nanny left. She saw me boiling for myself but never offer to help me boil when I had to off fire at times to attend my baby. She was still sitting in living room watching tv when she told my hubby that she will helped to look after us in noon!!! She never opened her golden mouth and said I help you to look adter as she doesn’t really know how to calm my ger down..
Thats lot more than that!!! What I want to highlight is: there maybe good MIL or annoying MIL. Those annoying MIL is not because we DIL don’t reciprocate or never take the first step.. they are sometimes too insensitive. My MIL was complaining to me that last time her SIL (she doesnt has MIL cos passed away) never helped her boiled logan red date tea when she stayed at their home. Maybe that why is also learnt from her SIL, never boiled logan red date tea for me during after my nanny left?? She saw me boiling myself but never offer to help me boil when I had to off fire at times to attend my baby. She was still sitting in living room watching tv when she told my hubby that she will helped to look after us in noon!!!

 

[2019]

If u married into the family, u should go there do for weekly dinner instead of have ur mom told them to minimize conflict u will not go. If u are not treating them as a family why should they. After your are pregnant u conveniently go over weekly so u can have healthy home cooked food?
And when u know u easily hungry when you are pregnant why didn’t you prepare snack or fruit to take a long with u and can much whenever you are hungry? Instead expecting ur mil to faster come up with food that can please you when u declare u r hungry n cannot wait for dinner to be served.
I am sorry if the comment offended you. But think from their perspective. You expecting her to give u gifts u want, smile when see you, respect u n ur family, cook for u. Did u give her what she is expecting from u as a dil?
And it’s u and ur hb decision to let the confinement lady go to save urself some money. As u think she didn’t do much n u can cope. So why should the workload fall on ur mil? She had her time when she gave birth to ur husband and her children. Let her do what she wants to do.

 

[Chubbybaby2]

I think you are asking for too much. Doesn’t mean that you give birth to a child with their surname means they have to kowtow to you. They don’t owe you anything. They are in their prime years, should be enjoying life. Still have to see DIL face, wondering when can go up when cannot go up to your house to see baby, don’t know what to say or what not to say to offend “the queen”. Walau eh, if they buy you gifts and you think not expensive enough then don’t complain when they don’t buy you anything.

I was not in a good r/s with my mil before we got married, had a big fight and didn’t speak to each other for years. But I thought to myself, ultimately, this is my husband’s family, I should give in (if it’s not ridiculous demands). If Iove him, I should also learn to love his family. This is the mother and father that raised such a young fine man. moreover, we are not staying together, whatever that I do not like to hear today, it’s just for that few mins to few hours, at the end of the day, the person sleeping next to me is my Husband.

A piece of advice to you, if you still want a complete marriage, a happy marriage, find ways to build a good relationship with your parents in law. Not asking you to please them, but don’t make things difficult for other people. If you are not going to kowtow to them, don’t expect them to kowtow to you.