Hi mommies, this is a bit sensitive but its about my PIL. They have 3 grandchildren altogether, 2 from my SIL and 1 from us. She has a 4yo boy and a 3yo girl. I have a 3yo boy. Thing is, we seldom meet my PIL due to husband’s work shifts. But we do visit whenever he’s off duty. We make time for them. I know there’s bound to be competition. But what I don’t understand is, every time the 3 of us visit them without SIL around, they tend to compare the kids. My son was the first to speak you see.. I don’t want to boast but it seems like she’s always speaking so highly of the other kids and forget that she has another grandson right in front of her. Like ‘ohh ___ is so smart now.. know how to do this and that’ but ignoring my child’s developments when he’s right there. It’s like she wants them to do better than him. I don’t know if this is just me... But I don’t know how to tell my husband about this. Many times I told him, he said it’s because we rarely spend time w them. Well that’s not fair is it..? They make time once a week to visit my SIL at her place but they can’t do the same for my son. It’s a matter of want and don’t want to me. If you really cared enough you would also make time for your other grandchild. He was sick the whole week, my Mil didn’t even care to call or ask about him but I saw her visiting my SIL on her instastory. I’m really just disappointed I guess that my husband is not noticing all these just cos he doesn’t feel the pinch. How do I tell him.. I don’t want my child to feel left out or less love from his paternal grandparents. That’s all
Favouritism & grandparents
- Thread starter Jvy
- Start date
Well, I'm not mummy though... But sharing my thoughts in your case
This do is a sensitive questions... I think quite common for grandparents (our parents) to compare among their grandchild. Just heck care when they do. Overall is important is how you both take care of the kids well. The upbringing of them.
This do is a sensitive questions... I think quite common for grandparents (our parents) to compare among their grandchild. Just heck care when they do. Overall is important is how you both take care of the kids well. The upbringing of them.
there are always challenges like this. be it now it's your PIL, next maybe someone else.
the most important thing here is how your son feel when being compared?
i felt that this is a very good opportunity for you to be the best mommy to him. ask him about his feeling towards such remarks. Always debrief him. tell him that opinion of others on him is not as important as his opinion on himself. state examples of his good that your PIL fail to see. Discuss with your son why a person can mis-judge. explore with him how he can 'find himself back' in situation like this. encourage your son to learn to identify and move away from such negative situation & stay in a positive environment.
i believe your son would prefer and appreciate your attention on his well being rather than from his grandma.
as for the adults, take this as a learning session. learn to ignore and move away from such negative situation.
the most important thing here is how your son feel when being compared?
i felt that this is a very good opportunity for you to be the best mommy to him. ask him about his feeling towards such remarks. Always debrief him. tell him that opinion of others on him is not as important as his opinion on himself. state examples of his good that your PIL fail to see. Discuss with your son why a person can mis-judge. explore with him how he can 'find himself back' in situation like this. encourage your son to learn to identify and move away from such negative situation & stay in a positive environment.
i believe your son would prefer and appreciate your attention on his well being rather than from his grandma.
as for the adults, take this as a learning session. learn to ignore and move away from such negative situation.
tiggerpooh
Active Member
@Jvy
I understand how u feel. Its d same 4 my own parents as well as MIL. But I just tell them... each child has their own learning pace. If they r not gd academically mayb they r gd in sports or language. My gal who is 5 just continue 2 do wat she was doing whenever anyone compares. Cos we always tell her... there r things she will b great in doing, while some things she may lack. N we tell her, it's okie, as long as she tried her best.
As 4 us adults, while it may b quite disheartening, I think just left in right out.... ignore d remarks. Most of d time, I think they r just trying 2 find conversation or topics. If u have something interesting 2 share, or topics 2 talk... I think they may not compare. In my MIL instance, as she is still working, we will always just ask... how is your work... n she will start all her unhappiness about her work environment... she doesnt remember she was comparing her grandchildren. N my MIL does it even when both kids r around. ie my BIL's daughter n ours... Usually we will just say... each of them has their gd n bad points, cannot just compare like dat. N we always remind MIL dat character is more impt den anything else.
I understand how u feel. Its d same 4 my own parents as well as MIL. But I just tell them... each child has their own learning pace. If they r not gd academically mayb they r gd in sports or language. My gal who is 5 just continue 2 do wat she was doing whenever anyone compares. Cos we always tell her... there r things she will b great in doing, while some things she may lack. N we tell her, it's okie, as long as she tried her best.
As 4 us adults, while it may b quite disheartening, I think just left in right out.... ignore d remarks. Most of d time, I think they r just trying 2 find conversation or topics. If u have something interesting 2 share, or topics 2 talk... I think they may not compare. In my MIL instance, as she is still working, we will always just ask... how is your work... n she will start all her unhappiness about her work environment... she doesnt remember she was comparing her grandchildren. N my MIL does it even when both kids r around. ie my BIL's daughter n ours... Usually we will just say... each of them has their gd n bad points, cannot just compare like dat. N we always remind MIL dat character is more impt den anything else.
hmm...i think if they r praising the other kids but not yours, not so bad.
i think i would jump in if they start criticizing my kid. no praise nvr mind. kids also need to learn not every time got praise. but put down or scolding w no reason, that is not acceptable.
ur son is only 3, he may not notice he was not being praise. i think best to observe. if he is distress or dejected, then best to step in and help him to go through his emotion. if he is still running around happily, then let him be. cos that does't matter to him.
i think i would jump in if they start criticizing my kid. no praise nvr mind. kids also need to learn not every time got praise. but put down or scolding w no reason, that is not acceptable.
ur son is only 3, he may not notice he was not being praise. i think best to observe. if he is distress or dejected, then best to step in and help him to go through his emotion. if he is still running around happily, then let him be. cos that does't matter to him.
That’s exactly what I want to avoid because I’ve been through it too. My paternal grandma would often practice favouritism even when my dad was around her. My dad took it to heart. Because she had more daughters than sons. I was never close to my late paternal grandma. And I just don’t want my son to feel what I felt. To go through what I had to go through.
But in this case, my husband is actually the one my MIL sayang the most. You know how close mothers and sons can be. Very pampered. So I don’t see how it’s hard for her to just shower her grandson the same love she has for her son. But I understand they have their own way of loving...
Been thinking about this lately. Maybe I just don’t want my son to get hurt when he’s older. Because I never knew what it’s like to have a paternal grandma that dotes on me.
