How to resolve conflict issues with MIL

CKG

New Member
Hi guys, I really need some advice here.
I just came back from a Japan trip with my husband, MIL, BIL, daughter, and my mom. It was a nightmare trip and I was one who actually came up with the idea of organizing such family trip. During the trip there's the money issue. I paid fully for my mom (a housewife since she married to my dad), so I'm okay with my husband paying partially for his mom and BIL pay partially. I only have problems with BIL no initiative to pay for his own. My husband is elder brother and he paid for all first. E.g. suica card (Japan ezlink) but he doesn't pay back. You're using the funds inside for your own transportation, shouldn't you pay for yourself since you got your own income? Meals, his meal is always the most ex amongst and didn't pay full. My husband being thrifty type normally won't go for ex meals. But he's generous with people around him. He paid for all and doesn't say anything or ask for money back. That money, I changed 2/3 he changed 1/3 cuz I'm paying for my mom. To note, BIL earns more than us and single. Buying snacks, husband bought for all. BIL bought for himself and MIL. So I told my husband to not pay for all next time. He took my words. MIL and BIL not happy when husband asked for money from them before/after payment, and during only 1 breakfast he asked BIL to pay.
There are other issues during the trip which are too much to type. Fast forward to back to SIN.
MIL FIL came to fetch my daughter on Friday evening for overnight during weekends. They called husband when they were on their way. When they reached, my husband went to see them in first then before I even get to go out to see them, my husband told me his mom wants him to go back eat dinner. It's reasonable that they didn't ask me to go cuz I'm working later and my work place is nearer to my place. However, I sensed hostility from his mom when he told me that. They were like in a rush, rushed my husband to shower and leave.

After they left, while I was having dinner alone at home, husband texted saying they have bad impression of me. We texted throughout the conversation as he's with His mom and dad. He said his mom did not complain to him about me. It was a passing remark that she tested my mouth (my responses and my tone and my sacastic) in Japan and she was very angry. Then when she saw the milk tin for my daughter was different from usual, she asked husband why changed milk powder again. I changed milk powder for my daughter few times testing out different brands. Half of it I bought cuz promo and cheaper online (q10), some was good review on the milk. Husband didn't know. He said cuz it's cheaper. MIL said I stingy/cheapskate. Does she even have the right to say that? I am cheapskate and that's how we managed to saved a lot here and there. The way MIL spend money is unagreeable by husband and I but we never comment about it. Husband and I are more on thrifty and will go for cheaper options. MIL seems to think that cheap means lousy. What right does she has for saying that?
I admit I may have sometimes said something which will tick people off unknowingly, by words or by tone. I will apologize to her if I know what I said wrongly to her. But I am not going to apologize for anything after she made that remark. Even not in my face.
I need some advice or guidance please? Mother's day is around the corner or already here since it's weekend now. My parents want me to give MIL a red packet and apologize no matter right or wrong. I asked my husband about it, he said buy a gift and apologize for saying something wrong. But with that remark she passed in my head, I am still fuming. Please let me know what I can do?
 

Last edited:

As for me, I will not apologize. Will just pretend nth happen and let things happen at it comes. Try to be nicer so that they can see the change in you. Also, need to also get your hub to chip in and get the message to them on your intentions and actions. They should also know and need to understand you rather than imposing their requirements on you. That's how I manage my in laws. They also pissed me off many times but I just ignore lor.
 
Stinzy, that's what I intend to do tonight when I go over for dinner. I just hope she won't indirectly dropping insults or words that hurts. Though my husband said she won't as it's not her character.
In my opinion, if I apologized, they will think they are totally right and I'm totally wrong. there might be a next time and perhaps they'll expect me to apologize everytime.. it's tiring and these 2 days I haven't been able to sleep well or concentrate on my work. I just want peace like before the trip, and never meant to offend her with my words though I still have not figured out what I said wrongly.
 
I don't think it's what u have said. I guess it can be an accumulative of words or actions. But that really doesn't mean u are in the wrong. She should also understand that your upbringing is different. This takes time and most importantly is to show her that you can take very good care of your hub. I think this is important.
 
  • Like
Reactions: CKG
I don't think it's what u have said. I guess it can be an accumulative of words or actions. But that really doesn't mean u are in the wrong. She should also understand that your upbringing is different. This takes time and most importantly is to show her that you can take very good care of your hub. I think this is important.
Thank you stinzy. :)
 
I guess sometimes holiday with extended family, they can b like some friends who r gd together but not really a gd traveler. I m not sure if u know wat i mean...

I have friends whom I m really close to, but if u asked me 2 travel with them, den I will need to lay down ground rules, such as have a "pool" fund 4 common things like meals, entrance tickets, etc... Den there r those dat u may not b close 2 but r excellent companion 2 travel wif... they will take turn 2 pay 4 meals n not squabble about $

I think sometimes family members r d same... I have traveled wif DH's extended family. He has 2 younger bros n a younger sis. We traveled together b4... n both DH n I agree dat we r okie 2 travel wif his sis n hub but not d 2 bros. N we did travel wif his sis n both his sis n us enjoyed it dat we usually try 2 travel together. Of cos as I have a DD... sometimes I asked them if they r okie 2 travel wif us. They r always accommodating towards us, which I m quite happy.

I dont like traveling wif his bros cos they usually sleep in till late n never bother about "schedule". While we usually travel free n eaz... d 1 time we had a guide wif us 4 our Taiwan trip cos we had 12 pple traveling together... I pity my SIL who had 2 keep calling his bro's mobile 2 inform them dat everyone is waiting 4 them... It really is quite irritating... Of cos, DH being d eldest, n wif my parents traveling wif d grp... he paid 4 most of d general stuff...
 
Agreed with tiggerpooh.
When go out on trip with family or friends, it's good to have a pool in between for expenses like transport/meals.
It's fine for us children to pay half or even full for our parents. But expenses like meals kind, it's still better to share among all rather than one paying.
 
Tiggerpooh, I understand what you meant. Some family are like friends, making the trip more fun. And I do agree with having a pool of fund for transport and food. It's more sensible and less conflict that way. I tried to suggest that idea at the beginning of the trip but non seems interested. If not pooling funds, at least have some initiative to take turn to pay.
 
Tiggerpooh, I understand what you meant. Some family are like friends, making the trip more fun. And I do agree with having a pool of fund for transport and food. It's more sensible and less conflict that way. I tried to suggest that idea at the beginning of the trip but non seems interested. If not pooling funds, at least have some initiative to take turn to pay.

I guess the pool funds would be easier if it has come fr your DH. Let DH handles d $ prob wif his parents/family... Wat u need 2 do is discuss beforehand wif DH about how u feel n agree on things b4 he talked 2 them. Both of u must agree b4 he talks so dat both of u r of d same page n he cant tell his parents dat it was your idea.

I usually dont comment on $ matters when we go on extended family trips... it's sensitive n sometimes d way it's being said may b perceived differently n hence causing misunderstanding.

I m not sure if u will b willing 2 take another chance of going on such trip wif your in laws again, but if u r... just talk it over wif your DH n agree on certain ground rules... Like ask if they wanna join, n dat if they really want, den tell them how much it will cost 4 them... Let them know dat while u r happy dat they can come, u can only afford 2 pay example their air ticket... or hotel room... n all other things will have 2 come fr them...

I guess... usually, they do wanna spent time wif their children n grandchildren... but most of our parents r not frequent travelers, n hence may not understand d costs of going on such trips... n i think we all learn fr every trip we go...
 
I guess the pool funds would be easier if it has come fr your DH. Let DH handles d $ prob wif his parents/family... Wat u need 2 do is discuss beforehand wif DH about how u feel n agree on things b4 he talked 2 them. Both of u must agree b4 he talks so dat both of u r of d same page n he cant tell his parents dat it was your idea.

I usually dont comment on $ matters when we go on extended family trips... it's sensitive n sometimes d way it's being said may b perceived differently n hence causing misunderstanding.

I m not sure if u will b willing 2 take another chance of going on such trip wif your in laws again, but if u r... just talk it over wif your DH n agree on certain ground rules... Like ask if they wanna join, n dat if they really want, den tell them how much it will cost 4 them... Let them know dat while u r happy dat they can come, u can only afford 2 pay example their air ticket... or hotel room... n all other things will have 2 come fr them...

I guess... usually, they do wanna spent time wif their children n grandchildren... but most of our parents r not frequent travelers, n hence may not understand d costs of going on such trips... n i think we all learn fr every trip we go...

i did discuss privately with my husband and made no comment in front of them in regards of money issues. i have no problem with my husband paying for his mom. but not his brother since he is earning more, and he is single, whereas husband has a family of his own to raise. occasional treat on not too ex items are fine but the amount not paid by him during the trip is a bit over. e.g. his own transportation suica card. it is majority his family so i dont feel comfortable voicing out about money. it will lead to more bad impression. so most of the time my mom and i just kept quiet and kept to ourselves while husband and BIL decide the impromptu itinerary.

frankly, i dont think i want another family trip, at least not with the BIL. anyway i dont think my MIL wants to go on another trip with me since she has bad impression of me. i am very content going overseas with just my husband.
 
I never would want to travel with any in laws..never...they're stingy, calculative so it's not for me.
 

Back
Top