Step Dad's Jealousy

ash11

Member
Hi all..
It's been a long time since I posted. Those who read my posts before would know the background..
To cut the story short, I am a divorcee with 2 young girls aged 6 and 4. I left my marriage for another guy 7 years my junior.. it's been 1.5 years.

My current partner and I are not married , but I let my kids call him daddy just about 6-8 mths ago. They call their biological dad Papa. My kids and their biological dad still keep in touch and he takes them out 3 times a week. Kids are staying with me.

Over this time of 1.5years, my kids no doubt have grown very attached to their daddy. But their dad is very jealous of their biological dad..he wants to be the father figure and gets very defensive and offended when it it concerns their papa.

Their papa will be going to the primary school for the P1 registration with me tomorrow. Out of respect, I informed my partner about it.. and he was extremely unhappy. He said I could have chosen not to tell my ex abt when and time I was going to register so he wouldn't be able to be present. My partner didn't like the idea of me and my ex and my daughter going together..

We had a big quarrel over WhatsApp as my partner was on reservist . He accused me of cheating on him (as the night before I met my ex to simply pick up the nric and consent form as I intended to register my child alone). My partner was also unhappy i did not tell him I met my ex last night and only told him this morning.

I had alot of resentment in me during this rship because we often quarreled due to his insecurity and jealousy (he claims its not either one). I blew up this round and shot all my nasty comments to him about his need for control and dominance in the rship as he said I shld have asked or informed him I was going to meet my ex and also abt the school registration. He said only either one of us (my ex or I) are to go and not go together. It was a command.. not a remark. I said there is only 1 reason why he is reacting like that - cos he doesn't trust me. N he said he will never ever trust anyone including me. He is like that.. afraid of being betrayed.

A whole host of other events came up , history digging and etc surfaced during the quarrel. Abit of background - his insecurity stemmed from me as I still had connections with my ex before (met up secretly etc) and I had also lied to him many times (countless ). Despite all our past quarrels we still stayed together.

With this quarrel today I felt so much better, as I let out everything. I told him how I felt like his puppet and servant during this rship, doing everything his way. Most importantly he made me fear him..which rship is like that?? I told him straight to face the fact that the kids dad will always be my ex and he is just the step dad. A step dad needs to know how to deal with such relationships with maturity... But seems he can't. ..

Harsh words were exchanged and he said there r so many girls out there waiting for him, don't hold him back if I feel he's such a sucky person and if I can't commit to just one guy. He says this all the time in our arguments.. but his bark is worse than his bite... Despite saying these, he has loved the kids as much I did, if not more. He has put in time effort and money (though he earns half of my salary) and even depleted all his savings on us. He did my housework (with alot of nagging why my house is perpetually dirty), cleaned my Aircon.. etc etc.

Sadly, it looks like this rship will end. I dunno why I feel sad, I guess I feel sad to let go but I don't have a choice because he cannot accept a fact that he is always a step dad, and his insecurities are eating away at him (and I'm paying for it).

My biggest mistake was to let my kids call him daddy.. I wanna keep this rship but at the same time I know I have to let it go for the best interest of everyone cos the foundation is not even there, the maturity is not there. Worst part is I dunno how to have this explained to the kids..

Thank u for reading. ..
 


Hi ash,

Ive read all your previous posts and i must say, i'm shocked you're still with this boy. i mean, boy (literally too), he doesn't seem to have developed a better sense of reliability despite being so bent on being your daughters' father.

Doing the household chores, shouldering the bills, are not being reliable. That's being responsible. It's baffling why doesn't he even understand the role of their biological dad in this entire 'org chart'. Also, i'm not sure what he thinks a relationship should be like, but trust is fundamental and should always be the basis of a healthy relationship.

Is he just looking for a convenient trio to fulfill his family nucleus dream (if any)?

I apologise if i sound harsh, but besides having a very good command of language, you don't come across as very matured yourself. You don't seem to know what you want still. Which probably explains why you're still with him after all the drama.

I'm not a mother myself yet, but i do know that my mother would never have subjected my sister and i to such confusing arrangements. My parents are divorced too, by the way. But we never had to grow up seeing our mother abused so often by another man, nor have to go through calling someone else daddy, even if we liked that person.

I mean, sure, if someday, he does miraculously grow up and you do get married to him, makes sense to call him daddy. But while you're not even sure of this yourself?

I'm not sure about you, or what your beliefs are, but i had always assumed that fundamentally, your children's needs and growth (mentally n physically), should matter most.

It would be easy for me as an outsider to tell you that it's pretty obvious that you should not stay with him. And im sure you already know where the problems are, and what you should do. But it would be another thing for you to actually make it happen. And how much you want this corrected.

I really hope you get yourself out of this draining relationship soon, so you can concentrate on being a mother to your little girls. I'm sure it has been frustrating and tiring having to deal with someone that constantly needs your babying, n that you never know when he loses his cool again.
 
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Some people just can't accept certain things, just like how some people can't accept someone cheating on them. If you can accept this, then keep . If you can't accept this, then break. After all, you're not married to this guy, but sad for him to have spend so much time and money.

@pluto123 She stated that she lied to him countless times, so he can't really trust her. And what do you mean by abuse? Please lah this is 2017, you're the one that hasn't yet matured. The only problem this guy has is with the biological father, he just doesn't like his face. If you totally erase the biological father from this planet, it would be a whole different scenario.
 
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Some people just can't accept certain things, just like how some people can't accept someone cheating on them. If you can accept this, then keep . If you can't accept this, then break. After all, you're not married to this guy, but sad for him to have spend so much time and money.

@pluto123 She stated that she lied to him countless times, so he can't really trust her. And what do you mean by abuse? Please lah this is 2017, you're the one that hasn't yet matured. The only problem this guy has is with the biological father, he just doesn't like his face. If you totally erase the biological father from this planet, it would be a whole different scenario.

Me?? Abuse as in emotional/verbal abuse. Not sure if u followed her old posts. Yes i agree the problem is the papa. But this daddy has anger management issues man. Please lah.
 
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Hello - esp to Pluto ..
thanks for taking the effort to advise. I appreciate because I know most would have washed their hands off and moved on..
Agree with u on many points. Sad to say, it seems I just don't love myself enough. And if I can't protect myself, how can I protect my kids? Ytd when I gave him those shots, I did feel good, not because I'm finally getting back at him and trying to put him in his place, but I felt good because I could finally stand up for what's right without feeling any guilt.
And I asked myself, why am I feeling bad for merely stating the truths and facts? Why do I subject myself to being someone's doormat.
It dawned on me, that everything he does is for his own benefit, or rather, for his own personal gains.. own well being. He wants to feel good , wants to feel in control, wants to not feel any guilt and often projects the blame onto others just so he doesn't need to feel bad. I'm aware there are indeed such ppl around (they have a name for this kinda behavior but I can't remember).

He asked me to tell the kids papa, that any future correspondence or any communication, or anything relating to the kids, just go thru him will do (my partner) and no need to communicate with me. Or can just talk thru the kids. Obviously without thinking (after being so drained from quarrelling for 8 hours plus), I just went with the flow so we could all move on with life. So I went to text my ex and told him exactly .. wrong move. I really wasn't thinking. Because who is my partner to decide on things for the kids and why should me or my ex account to him.abt the kids? Legally, he is an outsider, a nobody. This didn't dawn on me till my ex called and ask me what the hell is my partner trying to say. My brain must have been spoilt..
Of cos I agreed with my ex - that is indeed the truth. Then I merely just conveyed the message back to my partner and said like, hey, actually u r an outsider, u got no say.. kind of thing . Being the immature prick he is, he challenged my ex to go and find a black and white that states this law. My ex was speechless cos this is common sense duh? I was speechless too I really just couldn't respond.. In disbelief I just told my partner, "hey, u know it's a fact right lol, why u wanna pretend u don't know?" Obviously he ignored and continued with his challenge for proof..
I ended up telling both of them separately that I really don't wanna spend my energy on this shit , and if they 2 have problems with each other den I welcome them to go fight it out themselves and just tell me the conclusion. My partner told me to get my ex to call him . Obviously my ex said no cos it'll all be gangster talk.

End of the day, the takeaway for me was realising that my partner, though claiming everything is in the "best interest for kids" , but in actual fact it's just his own self-serving interest, and it's sad I didn't realize this earlier. He cannot accept the disadvantages that he has as a step dad as well as the compromises he has to make (even explicitly saying he will not compromise to my ex) as a step dad..
So much thinking since last night. Esp when facts stare at u in the face, u really wished things aren't the way they are...
 
I know this forum is for parents to provide support for other fellow parents in times of need but u are just coming across as delusional and seeking attention.

As a mother, u should be keeping your children safe and not subject them to such unhealthy situations. As a woman, u allow yourself to be emotionally abused by this partner of yours with no love for yourself. It is obvious that you are the one creating all this pain for yourself when you can just harden your heart and walk away from your immature partner for the sake of yourself and your kids. I'm sorry to sound harsh but to me, you keep going round and round in circles by posting sob stories abt the unhappy incidents with the partners yet do not want to take concrete, productive actions to stop all these. Truly pathetic...
 
Yo vivian,
There's no need to be so unkind in your words. Even the most deluded and mental people need help too.
i am not saying that ash11 is mental by the way.

She made her mistakes. Then she got stuck in a rut and she sees a few doors that are open. but chooses to stay in that rut to "work things out" further. Many people get stuck in a rut of their own and it can take a very very Long time.
We are not in her situation. We are not here to judge. I follow her stories too. Rolled my eyes a lot too. I wished she progressed to a better situation for the sake of her children too.

there are very kind people here who offered her great alternatives n solutions. as readers we are wondering why is she still stuck?? After so Long, we are all wondering that.

But.theres.no.need.to.say.mean.words. The world out there is cruel enough.

God, I wish u took down your posts man. Because your posts are not about her either but to satisfy your own need to vent out your frustrations. How's that helping ?
 
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She's subjected herself to much verbal abuse from her partner. She can't even get herself out of that.

Even if she doesn't mind ur verbal abuse, even if she tells u, go ahead. doesn't mean it's ok.
 
After much reflections on my part, I would like to apologize to @ash11 for the unkind and sarcastic words I used.

@ash11, I am sorry for my mean words towards you from my deleted post. Even if I don't agree with you, that also doesn't give me the reason to be mean. I am sorry.

@timmerin, I admit I was feeling very frustrated while reading her past posts and thus the mean words. All these shit would not have happened if she would have been more mature and stayed loyal to her ex-husband. People on this forum are trying to give her some sound advices since last year but it's still back to the square one. I couldn't believe a mother with 2 kids in her 30s would still behave so childishly and full of drama. I was very pissed off and I still do. But you are right to comment that I shouldn't be mean in my words. Thinking back, I realized why must I be mean and angry towards a stranger. I shouldn't get myself involved in other people's business.

@ash11, maybe you can go for counselling. You really need help to break away from all these.
 
It takes a very big hearted soul to realise that he/she has done wrong and apologise. I was pretty pissed when looking at the comments u hv posted but you have moved on to say sorry. Well apologised @vivian JS!

To ash11, I no longer have any kind words for u. Hope u will find ur own peace one day without hurting your poor children any further.
 

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