perhaps my marriage is beyond salvation..

VenusMummy

New Member
Hi All,

I am actually typing this with a heavy heart. This is not the first thread I have created about my marriage situation. I am just so damn tired of the vicious cycle but fear taking the step to file for the big D. I am just SO stuck and do not have any close friends whom I can confide in.

I am currently living separately (staying put at my parents' place as of now) with my son and my hub, due to various reasons I didn't continue living with my in-laws (well, I don't wish to go into details of all the in-laws episodes here). My son is under their care, since my parents can't accommodate him at their place (I VERY much wish I have a proper place for him to stay with me though!).

I guess things got worse from there. Not only did my son got even closer and stickier to my MIL, both my hub and I drifted apart tremendously. Daily quarrels, we both mention the D word way too often, till now I feel might as well just go for it then, since it is pointless to stay in a marriage where there's just too much resentment and feelings have died off gradually.

We have seen couple of counselors but to no avail. The quarrels keep occurring without fail. I have never seen such a petty, calculative and childish man in my life! To make things worse, we both have no common topics other than the child's matters. Neither do we have any couple time together (zero, I would say), as mil expects us to take care of our son on our respective off days (he works retail hours by the way and his off days are usually on weekdays). I really have no idea how to communicate with him without getting into disputes.

Maybe this marriage is really beyond salvation. I don't know why things have turned this way. I fear the unknown, fear things might turn out worse if I were to take the plunge and divorce. But on the other hand, I am just so sick of the vicious cycle and having to deal with his nonsense for the rest of my life.

I have no avenue to channel my feelings and frustrations to, but here. Sorry if I rant too much.
 


Sorry to be the odd one but I get it when people say divorce now is easier than later. But you chose to marry him in the first place didn't you venusmummy? Remember why you chose him?
Couples quarrel ALL the time. Even my parents quarrel (married for 30yrs already) until my mum cry and my dad can throw tantrum and choose to just walk out of the house and simply say "I'm going out and won't be back until late tonight". I watch my mum broke down in tears and at that point, I really thought our family is gonna be over. But then I saw that they solved whatever issue they had and until today, they are happily together.

What is marriage to you? Honestly. Is it just a certificate or is it spending the rest of your life with the man/woman you chose to be with?
Look at Your son.. He is the creation between you and your husband. He is your love child. Don't you think he deserves to have a whole family?
So what if he is closer to your mil? Why is that so? Cause he knows mummy and daddy always quarrels and he doesn't like this. Why his mum and dad have to quarrel whereas his friends are having family time together?

And the issues between your husband and you. Are they really unsolvable?? A quote my mum use to tell me - this problem you have, is it solvable? If yes, then you don't have to worry. If it is not, then why worry? Worrying won't solve it either so don't worry. In conclusion, if you face an obstacle, you can either go over it or around it. There is NO problem that is not solvable but instead how much you want to solve it.
Yes it takes 2 to solve the problem but if you really really want to and willing to give it all to solve this problem, you can do it.
I know this because I have bent my back so so much to compromise towards my husband and now... he sees it and does it too.
I just had to sacrifice for a period of time :)
I know you can do it too. Don't give up and use the D word so easily babe.
Jia you.
 
Agreed with wat u say.
But pepple changes before a marriage and after marriage.
Everyone wan a happy ever after life.
But in the real world, many occasions this is not happening.
Marriagebis not a piece of paper that tie us down. If really can't get along after numerous try, better to let go n move forward. Why wan all parties to live in a life of misery. No one is going to be happy.
 
Follow ur heart... if D is the best way.. go for it... provided u are financially stable to support ur son. Don't let the marriage spoil ur life and ur son life. Look at this way.... at least ur reason is because of ur hubby char... and not that he stray.
 
I still stand by my belief that you shouldn't give up.. Call me stubborn...

What if this was your son? He's always up to no good. He fights with you all the time. He quarrels with you... he only knows how to take your money and don't contribute to your family. Do you disown him?

What if this was your own mother? Or father? They quarrel with you all the time. They just leech onto you, just keep taking your money. Do you give them up?

Unless you are telling me that he is beating you up.. beating your son up.. beating everyone that you love up... Then I feel that you deserve better.

Just remember... the day you said I Do.. you swore an oath under the eyes of God that you will go through with this man.. through thick and thin.. for the better or the worst of him.. through sickness and in health..

Yes everyone change. Did you change then? Why the sudden quarrels.? Did you become naggier? Did you become the problem? Instead of giving up and using the D... why not ask, how can you make his day better?
Put yourself in his shoes.. what if you are the problem then? And he is like in a position to give you up? Would you want him to? To just divorce you without fighting for it?

It's not easy to change someone else.. it's easier to change yourself..
The environment is always changing, you can't expect him to be the man you met years ago.. showering you with flowers, kisses, romantic gestures etc.. you can only adapt.. and that's how you be in a marriage..
It's not gonna be about who remember whose birthday or who suggests and plans the romantic dinner outing anymore...
It's determination to keep your relationship and really how much you want this marriage to work out...

As long as you don't give in to the D word.. have some faith. It will work out. If he gives up on you... at least you know you tried but YOU... do not give up..
 
I still stand by my belief that you shouldn't give up.. Call me stubborn...

What if this was your son? He's always up to no good. He fights with you all the time. He quarrels with you... he only knows how to take your money and don't contribute to your family. Do you disown him?

What if this was your own mother? Or father? They quarrel with you all the time. They just leech onto you, just keep taking your money. Do you give them up?

Unless you are telling me that he is beating you up.. beating your son up.. beating everyone that you love up... Then I feel that you deserve better.

Just remember... the day you said I Do.. you swore an oath under the eyes of God that you will go through with this man.. through thick and thin.. for the better or the worst of him.. through sickness and in health..

Yes everyone change. Did you change then? Why the sudden quarrels.? Did you become naggier? Did you become the problem? Instead of giving up and using the D... why not ask, how can you make his day better?
Put yourself in his shoes.. what if you are the problem then? And he is like in a position to give you up? Would you want him to? To just divorce you without fighting for it?

It's not easy to change someone else.. it's easier to change yourself..
The environment is always changing, you can't expect him to be the man you met years ago.. showering you with flowers, kisses, romantic gestures etc.. you can only adapt.. and that's how you be in a marriage..
It's not gonna be about who remember whose birthday or who suggests and plans the romantic dinner outing anymore...
It's determination to keep your relationship and really how much you want this marriage to work out...

As long as you don't give in to the D word.. have some faith. It will work out. If he gives up on you... at least you know you tried but YOU... do not give up..

Hi I felt that you're a positive person but wonder did you even has such problem before. Do you have it like feel like give up the marriage?
 
Hi I felt that you're a positive person but wonder did you even has such problem before. Do you have it like feel like give up the marriage?
I'd be lying if I said I have never thought of giving up on my marriage. Every time we quarrel and my hubby just irritates the shit out of me by being a Dick. But honestly, I chose this fella to be my husband. I chose to hold his hand, I chose to be with him, I even chose to be with him and sleep with him. He didn't point a freaking gun and forced me to marry him.

Tbh, I had an ideal husband in my mind. I had criteria(s). I had a dream and perfect husband. But if I had sought and kept looking, this man doesn't exist because there is never a perfect husband. There will always be his habits, this particular personality, this issue I will hate about this person...
I actually chose the man I believe was wrong and made him my Mr. Right.. because this perfect husband does not exist.

If we keep thinking our partner is changing and I cannot stand him anymore thus I have to let go to be happy then we shouldn't even be in any relationship...
Because everything is always changing..
A marriage is not like girlfriend boyfriend. Not happy then breakup.. a marriage is a life time commitment to this other person. We get married to build a family together.

I don't think I need to explain the term family... it's so much stronger than any problems. Monetary especially. Being a family....isn't that why people get married in the first place? Divorces just breaks the family up...
It is not right..
you chose him. Yes you might have regretting because it's a shot gun marriage or whatsoever.. but you got tgt with him in the first place.. why give up now? Why even give up at all??

Is the term divorce so easy to use? Is the term or meaning of marriage just a piece of paper?
I still stand by my belief that you shouldn't give up.. Call me stubborn...

What if this was your son? He's always up to no good. He fights with you all the time. He quarrels with you... he only knows how to take your money and don't contribute to your family. Do you disown him?

What if this was your own mother? Or father? They quarrel with you all the time. They just leech onto you, just keep taking your money. Do you give them up?

Unless you are telling me that he is beating you up.. beating your son up.. beating everyone that you love up... Then I feel that you deserve better.

Just remember... the day you said I Do.. you swore an oath under the eyes of God that you will go through with this man.. through thick and thin.. for the better or the worst of him.. through sickness and in health..

Yes everyone change. Did you change then? Why the sudden quarrels.? Did you become naggier? Did you become the problem? Instead of giving up and using the D... why not ask, how can you make his day better?
Put yourself in his shoes.. what if you are the problem then? And he is like in a position to give you up? Would you want him to? To just divorce you without fighting for it?

It's not easy to change someone else.. it's easier to change yourself..
The environment is always changing, you can't expect him to be the man you met years ago.. showering you with flowers, kisses, romantic gestures etc.. you can only adapt.. and that's how you be in a marriage..
It's not gonna be about who remember whose birthday or who suggests and plans the romantic dinner outing anymore...
It's determination to keep your relationship and really how much you want this marriage to work out...

As long as you don't give in to the D word.. have some faith. It will work out. If he gives up on you... at least you know you tried but YOU... do not give up..
 
s
I still stand by my belief that you shouldn't give up.. Call me stubborn...

What if this was your son? He's always up to no good. He fights with you all the time. He quarrels with you... he only knows how to take your money and don't contribute to your family. Do you disown him?

What if this was your own mother? Or father? They quarrel with you all the time. They just leech onto you, just keep taking your money. Do you give them up?

Unless you are telling me that he is beating you up.. beating your son up.. beating everyone that you love up... Then I feel that you deserve better.

Just remember... the day you said I Do.. you swore an oath under the eyes of God that you will go through with this man.. through thick and thin.. for the better or the worst of him.. through sickness and in health..

Yes everyone change. Did you change then? Why the sudden quarrels.? Did you become naggier? Did you become the problem? Instead of giving up and using the D... why not ask, how can you make his day better?
Put yourself in his shoes.. what if you are the problem then? And he is like in a position to give you up? Would you want him to? To just divorce you without fighting for it?

It's not easy to change someone else.. it's easier to change yourself..
The environment is always changing, you can't expect him to be the man you met years ago.. showering you with flowers, kisses, romantic gestures etc.. you can only adapt.. and that's how you be in a marriage..
It's not gonna be about who remember whose birthday or who suggests and plans the romantic dinner outing anymore...
It's determination to keep your relationship and really how much you want this marriage to work out...

As long as you don't give in to the D word.. have some faith. It will work out. If he gives up on you... at least you know you tried but YOU... do not give up..

it's good to discourage divorce. but shouldn't make the person feel lousy.
it's take two to clap.
not easy for someone to give up marriage. but no matter what, don't blame onself.
 
s


it's good to discourage divorce. but shouldn't make the person feel lousy.
it's take two to clap.
not easy for someone to give up marriage. but no matter what, don't blame onself.


I agree. Don't blame yourself for changing as well because similar to your partner, you have changed as well. More or less, we are constantly growing or declining everyday because of the environment that we are exposed to daily. Whether it is at work or not.
I'm not trying to say I totally understand what OP is going through as I don't know why they even quarrel in the first place. But not all problems are unsolvable. Even when the earthquake hits, or the world comes down crashing... Don't forget who you really are and what you really want..

Anyways based on OP's past posts.. I believe she is already keen to divorce this person. It has been her main focal point since 2015. It's just that shot gun marriage or not, OP, I believe you actually did love this man in the past. And when you agreed to marry him, whether you pregnant or not, you trusted this person. Change or not, there is still a part inside of him that is that guy you fell in love with..
Remember the good times you guys had instead of focusing on the bad. You cannot change his ways but you can make this relationship work if you want to. As long as you really want to, there is always a way.. He will provide the way for you..
A little done today, is a large change tomorrow.
 
So if after trying still can't work. Still continue to live in destress n endure all the nonesense for tge rest of the life.
People make mistake in everything, if really made a mistake in choosing the wrong person for marriage then are we going to live with our mistakes for the rest of our life
 
@Kimberly zhang reading your messages made my eyes teary. The D word is so easy to say than fixing a broken relationship. that's why many people choose to use it instead of fixing the problem.

Sometimes we just take things for granted, especially in a relationship. We always want the other half to do this and that but we seldom ask ourselvels how much we did actually do to him/her.

I like your positive thinking which is exactly what we need in a relationship.


I still stand by my belief that you shouldn't give up.. Call me stubborn...

What if this was your son? He's always up to no good. He fights with you all the time. He quarrels with you... he only knows how to take your money and don't contribute to your family. Do you disown him?

What if this was your own mother? Or father? They quarrel with you all the time. They just leech onto you, just keep taking your money. Do you give them up?

Unless you are telling me that he is beating you up.. beating your son up.. beating everyone that you love up... Then I feel that you deserve better.

Just remember... the day you said I Do.. you swore an oath under the eyes of God that you will go through with this man.. through thick and thin.. for the better or the worst of him.. through sickness and in health..

Yes everyone change. Did you change then? Why the sudden quarrels.? Did you become naggier? Did you become the problem? Instead of giving up and using the D... why not ask, how can you make his day better?
Put yourself in his shoes.. what if you are the problem then? And he is like in a position to give you up? Would you want him to? To just divorce you without fighting for it?

It's not easy to change someone else.. it's easier to change yourself..
The environment is always changing, you can't expect him to be the man you met years ago.. showering you with flowers, kisses, romantic gestures etc.. you can only adapt.. and that's how you be in a marriage..
It's not gonna be about who remember whose birthday or who suggests and plans the romantic dinner outing anymore...
It's determination to keep your relationship and really how much you want this marriage to work out...

As long as you don't give in to the D word.. have some faith. It will work out. If he gives up on you... at least you know you tried but YOU... do not give up..
 
s


it's good to discourage divorce. but shouldn't make the person feel lousy.
it's take two to clap.
not easy for someone to give up marriage. but no matter what, don't blame onself.
Are we living in the 19th century where we have to endure hardship n mental torture to stay in a marriage?
Knowing that there will be no happiness and still waiting for a miracle?
U need to be our shoes to know what's the kind of miserable life then u will understand why some women wan to divorce.
 
My parents are divorced and as a Daughter, I believe that every child wants happiness for their parents even if it means having to go through divorce. I grew up in an unstable environment and felt very unhappy as a child as my parents quarreled fiercely Everyday. My mum is considered a traditional lady and refused to give up on the marriage even though my dad was abusing her. After ten years of trying to salvage the marriage but failed, my mum finally filed for divorce. The only thing was she wasted ten years. It was not easy but our lives were more peaceful and I am definitely happier in a divorced family than a "complete" one.

I hope that you can find your answers soon. If you feel that you have tried your best to communicate with your husband and to salvage this relationship but to no avail, den I Guess its time to take the next step and move on. You know you have tried your best. Our years on this earth is limited, don't waste too much time to make a decision. Perhaps you and your Husband can work out a schedule so that you can see your Son more often? The best of luck to you.
 
Hi All,

I am actually typing this with a heavy heart. This is not the first thread I have created about my marriage situation. I am just so damn tired of the vicious cycle but fear taking the step to file for the big D. I am just SO stuck and do not have any close friends whom I can confide in.

I am currently living separately (staying put at my parents' place as of now) with my son and my hub, due to various reasons I didn't continue living with my in-laws (well, I don't wish to go into details of all the in-laws episodes here). My son is under their care, since my parents can't accommodate him at their place (I VERY much wish I have a proper place for him to stay with me though!).

I guess things got worse from there. Not only did my son got even closer and stickier to my MIL, both my hub and I drifted apart tremendously. Daily quarrels, we both mention the D word way too often, till now I feel might as well just go for it then, since it is pointless to stay in a marriage where there's just too much resentment and feelings have died off gradually.

We have seen couple of counselors but to no avail. The quarrels keep occurring without fail. I have never seen such a petty, calculative and childish man in my life! To make things worse, we both have no common topics other than the child's matters. Neither do we have any couple time together (zero, I would say), as mil expects us to take care of our son on our respective off days (he works retail hours by the way and his off days are usually on weekdays). I really have no idea how to communicate with him without getting into disputes.

Maybe this marriage is really beyond salvation. I don't know why things have turned this way. I fear the unknown, fear things might turn out worse if I were to take the plunge and divorce. But on the other hand, I am just so sick of the vicious cycle and having to deal with his nonsense for the rest of my life.

I have no avenue to channel my feelings and frustrations to, but here. Sorry if I rant too much.

If your MIL looks after your son, naturally he will be close to your MIL. Same thing for my son. At some point, I felt he is closer to my mom and even quarrel with my mom over it.

Rule no. 1 for marriage though- Never mention the D word!

If you can't communicate verbally with him, how about writing a letter?

You, your husband and son are now your family unit. You got to have a mindset change that your parents are just extended family now. If you're able to, get a place of your own for your family so you have some space away from in-laws.
 
We are not great people. So think about making your happy before u think for other.
This is the true world.
He is selfish, u wan to still look after his needs and wants?
 
You are lucky that your MIL is looking after your son well, that's why he's sticky with her. Look on the bright side - that's better than having him miserable and mistreated. Make an effort to spend time with him even though he's not under your care now on a day to day basis. Take him out and keep the mother and child bond close. Don't bad mouth his father or grandparents in front of him either. Let him feel secure, warm and positive around you.

As for you and your husband. Meet up at a neutral place outside of home. Keep your mind open and talk nicely... do you both still want this? If yes, can you both pinpoint the underlying problems that need to be resolved and commit to working on them? Note that some compromise is needed here. You also need to give in to some things for it to work, within reason of course.

If the answer is that you both really don't want this anymore, then the conversation should steer towards the arrangement of your child. Your son becomes the priority. Who gets to see him on which days, who pays for what expenses, etc. You need to stay civil in order for co-parenting to work. Otherwise, at the end of the day, the one who suffers most is your son.
 
May I ask you all, how do u communicate with your spouse? Is it we as wife need to give our hubby freedom?
Don't demand too much or keep trace their schedule?
My hubby is a person with little words.
He sometimes don't even bother to let me know about his check up as he need yearly body check up and jus like recently, he informed his staff when he is going for check up but not me.
Also he need to go for review he don't inform me too, he only let his staff know.

To him is, why do I need to know? But to his staff, is communication.
 
@confusemum: we had a mutual agreement before married that no lie, no secret (except for our atm pin no) and always share what we think. So basically we just talk to each other about almost everything.

We do give ourselves some "me time" sometimes but we try to share with each other as much as we can. I dont like "guess what he/she is thinking games" cuz its wasting time and not healthy in a long run.

Perhaps talk to him nicely that you care for him and you would like to know when he is visiting thr Dr or goes to the annual check up.
 
@confusemum: we had a mutual agreement before married that no lie, no secret (except for our atm pin no) and always share what we think. So basically we just talk to each other about almost everything.

We do give ourselves some "me time" sometimes but we try to share with each other as much as we can. I dont like "guess what he/she is thinking games" cuz its wasting time and not healthy in a long run.

Perhaps talk to him nicely that you care for him and you would like to know when he is visiting thr Dr or goes to the annual check up.
How long are u married?
 
May I ask you all, how do u communicate with your spouse? Is it we as wife need to give our hubby freedom?
Don't demand too much or keep trace their schedule?
My hubby is a person with little words.
He sometimes don't even bother to let me know about his check up as he need yearly body check up and jus like recently, he informed his staff when he is going for check up but not me.
Also he need to go for review he don't inform me too, he only let his staff know.

To him is, why do I need to know? But to his staff, is communication.

His current action is usually a response to past reaction from you. If u kept drilling him in the past, or every answer he gives u, u create a bigger issue, then its logical not for him to say so much to you now, while towards others its purely normal communication.
 
His current action is usually a response to past reaction from you. If u kept drilling him in the past, or every answer he gives u, u create a bigger issue, then its logical not for him to say so much to you now, while towards others its purely normal communication.

Hi sorry for my ignorance.
What do U mean by response to past reaction from you?
I knew towards others it's purely Normal communication and just head up them he will be in late so they can arrange the work but I just don't like the feel like why staff know his whereabouts but as a wife no.
 
A man tells 2 friends... I am going to buy 4D now.
Friend A tells him... Aiyah sure lose.. Waste $ only.
Friend B says.. Eh, buy for me also.. Wish u best of luck.

So.. The next time the man goes to buy 4D, will the man bother to tell Friend A?
 
A man tells 2 friends... I am going to buy 4D now.
Friend A tells him... Aiyah sure lose.. Waste $ only.
Friend B says.. Eh, buy for me also.. Wish u best of luck.

So.. The next time the man goes to buy 4D, will the man bother to tell Friend A?

Haha ok got it now.
He even brought it up before that why he feel pissed of easier when talking to me. He said he went to think why? He said cos the way I talk is like questioning him and need him to report every single thing to me.
He said he don't like ppl to control him. He need freedoms to do his stuffs instead of reporting to me.

But I jus unhappy that he will rather talk to that staff like oh I going here later, I wil go and do this n etc...
But of course, certain things like company issue, family issue, he didn't share much with her or tell her what is his planning for company.


This staff is a lady who had worked for him about 10yrs and she is capable to handle a lot of stuffs and ease his burden at work. This made me uncomfortable with.
This lady also v helpful towards him.
 
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Try to salvage if u can...everything need action not wait for things to drop dw.

Do things 1 at a time.
Son - spend time out with him weekly- weekend /weekday for bonding...can be movie, meal , playhse etc...bring him to zoo...special occasion like birthday bring him to uss , legoland etc...
During holiday bring him to nearby ctries for fun ...
If financial allow bring him to hk e.g

Husband
When u r settled dw
Think of ur problem & if u still want to be with him.
I dont know what is prob...if u want help pm me if u decide to be with him...
Personally feel a complete family is healthy for the child.unless ur hub already got some1 everything shld b able to salvage
 
My husband and I have openly communicated that there are to be no secrets and no lies between us. We also both know that each other should be informed of our whereabouts at all times. This is not for stalking reasons or due to trust issues, this is for safety reasons. For example if he tells me he is somewhere and I know that an accident has just taken place there, then I can check if he's safe.

We also have nothing to hide so we allow each other to use each others handphone and things like that. I mean, if a man really wants to hide things, you won't be able to find anything on his phone anyway. So this is not so much of a trust issue but really, we just don't care since we don't hide anything from one another. To be honest, even though I know his handphone password, I never look through it secretly (I only use it when he's around to play mobile games or what) simply because he has never given me a reason to.

I think trust stems from communication. So when we communicate our day-to-day happenings at work, whereabouts and personal thoughts with each other openly, we are building trust because we feel truly involved in each other's lives.
 
seriously what is "me time" or "off day" when you have kids??? after i give birth, my only "me time" is 5 mins shower time. sometimes shit or urine also my twins also want to follow. so don't bother to mention "off day" which is like impossible until they are primary 6? the longest period i sleep is like 4 hrs max, then either twins will cry for me. ya they are 16 months old but still do not sleep thru the night....

couple time...errrr... seriously is dont have... family time we do have... but when we decide to have kids, we already mentally prepared that we will only have couple time when they are 18 years old??

for trust issue, we do not hide anytime. our passwords is shared, atm, ib, etc. and we dun lock our handphone or laptop

i guess the only difference is we dun change before or after marriage.. we already chu the worst pattern during dating period and tell each other honestly what we expect after marriage. there is zero assumption... so no surprize yet *cross fingers*

i cant say divorce is good or bad.. seriously is your life, so you decide how you want to live... you chose the guy and you make the mistake. is depend whether you want to amend the mistake or eradicate the mistake. but cant be rest of the life quarrel quarrel quarrel.. is unhealthy for everyone
 

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