TTC but he doesn't wana quit smoking

Sally99

New Member
We are TTC. He doesn't smoke in front of me but smokes secretly behind my back. When I confronted, he will guiltily admit. Please understand that he is super loving and caring. He is a good person.

But somehow, smoking makes him a good liar. His family does not know he smokes.

Before we got married, I told him that I do not want a husband who smokes. He said he understood and will try to quit. But after 1 year into our marriage, he still smoke without telling me he does. Sometimes I'll pretend that I don't know.

I am trying so hard to prepare my body for pregnancy. But he does not want to put in effort to lead a healthy lifestyle.

After a false alarm that I'm pregnant, I told him that I decided not to have any kids with him if he doesn't stop smoking. I told him that I am prepared to be childless for life. I don't want to risk our future kids health because of a smoking father and husband.

He said sorry and somehow accepted the fact that we are not going to have kids. Which means, he can happily continue smoking.

But I want to have kids. Why? Why can't he put in the effort to quit and have a family together? Why does he seems like he is placing smoking as his top priority?

Heartbroken.
 


You have so many whyS in your head and that naturally leads me to ask you whY are you making such a big fuss over someone who smokes? Because he smokes all his loving, caring and good character traits going to be penalized? He smokes secretly behind your back literally means he still respects you as his wife and it is how you are going to deal with it once being found out.

1) Does he likes kids? If no then a family with no kids is not a big deal to him.
2) Does he likes kids? If yes and because he doesn't knows how to express himself when you openly threaten that you are prepared to be childless is not a big deal to him in front of you. But it could be a big deal behind of you. He could be too nice to avoid any sort of argument or confrontation with you.

Is for you to find out how the two of you can work together to achieve him being a non-smoker one fine day. :)
 
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He was already a smoker when you 2 got together, right? I remember reading a piece of advice somewhere; Do not go into a relationship trying to change that person. If your partner was already smoking before he met you, what makes you think he will give up smoking for you? The only person who can make him give up smoking is himself. If he doesn't want to, no one can force him to. I learned this from experience. My ex was a smoker and he promised me that he would quit smoking but apparently when he got stressed from work, smoking was his way to relax. Anything I said fell on deaf ears so I gave up forcing him to quit but we didn't work out anyway.

When you say that you don't want to risk your kids health because of a smoking father, what do you mean? Are you having worries that your future kids will pick up the habit as well? Or that he will smoke in the presence of the kids and inhale 2nd hand smoke? My dad was a compulsive smoker, not a day did I not see him smoke until the day he got hospitalised because of cancer. I know better than to touch those sticks. It really depends on how you instill the harm of smoking and how your kids are at defying peer pressure. Since he knows not to smoke in your presence, I am sure he is able to not smoke in the presence of your future kids.

And like what adhd.dad mentioned, does he even want kids? It's good to sit him down and discuss this issue thoroughly, instead of giving him an ultimatum to choose between cigarette or kids. Good luck!
 
hi since your husband is good to you, I feel that you should not put so much pressure on him quitting cold turkey. Smoking is just a way for him to de-stress just like some pple go for binge eating or shopping to de-stress. There are couples who smoke (either 1 or even both parties) and they managed to conceive. There are couples who don't and lead a healthy lifestyle yet they cannot conceive. I think you should relax abit and gently urge him to reduce the reliance on smoking instead. He lied because he knows you will be upset with no mean intention. I think most importantly is whether he wants children in the 1st place and I doubt he says he is ok with being childless just cos he can continue smoking.
 
Hi Sally99c I'm hving a similar issue as you. My hubby is a smoker from day one when we met and he knows I dislike smoker. He managed to quit a few months just before we got married and I got pregnant 3mths after our wedding. However, he started his smoking habit during my pregnancy up till now my son is already 15mths. He doesnt smoke infront of me but will secretly go smoke at the voiddeck. Similarly, his family doesn't know that he is a smokers though he has been smoking for years and he is also a loving n caring husband/father.
We are trying for 2nd baby but I didn't force him to quit. I'll just remind him on and off that he should quit and that's for his own good. Sometimes, I will tell him in his face that he stinks and dont allow him to carry my boy. He does feel sad n guilty. End of the day, I think its not an easy habit to kick but I'll not give up reminding him cos I seriously hate the cigarette smell and I also dont want my kids to learn this bad habit from him.
 
My Husband smokes too and it was proven that smoking is one of the reason why we had fertility issues earlier. He stopped smoking for 6 months, and I got pregnant naturally. But I told him once the pregnancy is stable, he can be back smoking.. but not when I'm around or when he's at home, just worried for the baby.. After the first trimester, i thought I gotta be fair to him, cuz he's already a smoker when I knew him, I accepted him that way then, so why should I force him to change.. I know it's for his own good but I'm sure every one has their own flaws, I have my own flaws too.. The vow/decision to marry one person does not only means taking the good parts and ignoring the bad isn't? Maybe you can ask him to cut down or stop for awhile till you get pregnant? And maybe you can pay more attention to what he wants than only just what you want? Seriously, if we have no issues conceiving naturally when he smokes, I won't even ask him to quit.
 
I think you should kindly talk to him in a relaxed form. Life is a nice opportunity with a lot of activities and beautiful places to be and some things like smoking are just dragging us down. At first, I was fighting with my alcohol and cigarettes addiction. And I think I'm doing quite well. The only thing is left is vaping as a smoking alternative. Bought a vaporizer at https://www.mygadget.us. And now I'm trying to deal with my last demon ( I had a messy life, yeah). But I have more time now and I'm not friends anymore with people who were with me only because of this sort of "fun". Which is also a very good experience. Now I clearly know that some people are interested in you as long as you interact them and support them in their endless drinking and stones parties. The family will never let you down! You have a different situation facing 1 of the problems I've faced. If I did it, you can do it too!
 
We are TTC. He doesn't smoke in front of me but smokes secretly behind my back. When I confronted, he will guiltily admit. Please understand that he is super loving and caring. He is a good person.

But somehow, smoking makes him a good liar. His family does not know he smokes.

Before we got married, I told him that I do not want a husband who smokes. He said he understood and will try to quit. But after 1 year into our marriage, he still smoke without telling me he does. Sometimes I'll pretend that I don't know.

I am trying so hard to prepare my body for pregnancy. But he does not want to put in effort to lead a healthy lifestyle.

After a false alarm that I'm pregnant, I told him that I decided not to have any kids with him if he doesn't stop smoking. I told him that I am prepared to be childless for life. I don't want to risk our future kids health because of a smoking father and husband.

He said sorry and somehow accepted the fact that we are not going to have kids. Which means, he can happily continue smoking.

But I want to have kids. Why? Why can't he put in the effort to quit and have a family together? Why does he seems like he is placing smoking as his top priority?

Heartbroken.
Hi,

It's been almost 2years from your post. How are you now?
Did he change? how about you?

If no, i would say, you still can have babies even if he smoke. Just sharing with you, me n hub a smoker before marry. I'm not heavy nor light smoker, but tried to quit smoking for years but couldn't. And i still smoke when i'm pregnant, but the feeling lesser to it. I still tried since my hub and my surrounding ask me too and everyone even myself know smoking not good for health and worst for pregnant woman. but still I can't quit immediately. No one say smoking while pregnant is good either. I just pray and pray that my baby won't get any effect from it. My luck, i gave birth to healthy baby. Few months later, my feeling for smoking just turn off and from there i manage to quit smoking. Yeay!!

But my hub doesn't stop smoking. he still continue. Several times i tried to get him to quit, but thinking again i rather knowing he smoke than he need to lie to me smoking behind my back. Haha! Till we had 2nd baby, he didn't quit smoking. BUT he don't smoke infront of us nor near us. He will smoke far and spend sometime before coming near us to ensure his smoke smell went off abit. And we make it a habit to stay away from people who smoke, not to look down but to ensure kids don't see what they do. My hub and family member who smoke well educate if they want to smoke, they need to hide somewhere far from kids.

Don't stress yourself on hub who smoking. A caring and loving husband is way good enough. The more you stress also will be hard to conceive. Good luck :)
 

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