Pregnant due next month and thinking of divorce

Littlesunshines

New Member
Hi all,

Really hope to get some advice as I'm feeling depressed everyday. A little background of me: I'm married in 2014 (shotgun) and my daughter is now 19months and I'm pregnant with no.2 (due nov 2016) and I'm contemplating divorce (or separation for that matter.) We have a bto flat ready in 2019.
It wasn't third party or money problem, but more of communications. Everytime we talk its bound to lead to quarrel and I'm sick and tired of it. We actually wanted to separate last year July 2015 and went to lawyers already, but he apologize and said to change but after 'starting all over again', slowly I can see things are going back to the way it was. He didn't physically abuse me, but he is verbally abusive, to which I don't denial I 'shoot' him back twice as bad also.
Just two days back, my daughter went to pre-school and gotten fever so we rush her to KK hospital in the middle of the night, and I have been up since 6am that day and being a pregnant woman, I'm exhausted all the time from pregnancy and taking care of my daughter, he accuse me of not being 'friendly' when I talked to him at the hospital while waiting for our turn. He himself wasn't very patient when talking to me but I didn't want to start another quarrel 3am in the hospital so I gave him the cold treatment all the way until we reached home. The next day morning 8am (he slept in his bro room as his snoring is too damn loud and I slept in our room with daughter) I woke him up and asked him about the medicines and he went (very unwillingly) to take and made some very sarcastic remarks and to which I called him back in the very exact words that he used on me the night before (he called me a f**king idiot) and he threw the medicine on the bed. I got so angry I went to living room and threw it back at him.
How could anyone treat a sick daughter like that ? He always assume he is very tired from work and in the whole damn world he is the most tired person.
Both of us are working full time. And he claim that he is not the caring sort and instead, is the practical kind. During courtship, of course he is caring and all. But slowly through out our marriage, take for example my confinement with my first baby, he can just go missing at night when my mum is sleeping over at my place to help me out.
We talked lesser and lesser, and on normal days, after my work I'll do some chores like folding clothes until he comes back, and he will play video games after watching an episode of show together with me. It's been a routine and when it comes to sex, it's non existence. He claim he doesn't have the urge for it and I've tried to asked him to go for marriage counselling so many times or to the doctors, but being such an egoistic person he just procrastinate and brush it off.
I am really very sick and tired of living this way and feeling so depressed every day. And to top it off, the worst is I don't get along well with my own family and my parents are living in a one room rental and there is no way I can move back if I get a divorce. And I understand I will suffer a penalty regarding the BTO as we haven even get the key.
He don't even ask how am I feeling, do
I feel well. And when I tell him that I need emotional support, even after breaking down infront of him so many times, he will just tell the same old reason that he is a practical guy, not a emotional one. And every time we talk, we can't bring the conversation too far as he will start to talk louder and we will quarrel and the convo will once again, stop.

I really hope some one can shine some light and give some advice.
 


Actually I feel you n your hubby are going through a very tough stage in your lives. there are big changes going on, so much more responsibilities.

we r all not perfect.
somedays we make very spiteful choices to do/say very hurtful things. somedays we just want to escape from the stress because it is just too much to bear. Somedays we are just too busy/clueless to see that we have neglected the needs of our loved ones. Sometimes we just dont know how to solve the issues at hand.

to answer my own questions of where my marriage should head, i will go online n read up on divorce n about ppl sharing about divorce matters/reasons.

i always end up choosing my marriage n working harder to sort things out with my hubby for my children's sake so that they wont be hurt by divorce.

i had a 2nd child last yr. n there r no money or 3rd party problems for me too... just communication problems mostly. this is already considered a less tricky situation isnt it? all the more we should work hard at our marriage for our children...

My gut feel is that u n ur hubby have a really gd chance of weathering through this tough period. it get better if both of u stay committed n work towards better communication!! stay strong n stay in love!
 
Hi littlesunshines

I agreed with Timmerine. ..u have a plateful n hubby isn't mature n understanding ... guys no matter how old still are childish n immature n to add on, both come from different upbringing n backgrounds.

If both still quarrels, better see a counselor early before the heat turns up orb..slowly n patiently talk it over .. you both need a good talk.

If you do this, your marriage will get better
 
In the olden days, there was no such thing as divorce. There was no choice, no option - so mostly people just work it out, tough it out, and they stay in the marriage. Good and bad, right? Good is that we work so much harder. But the moment we think there is a shortcut or exit, we take that, and it would be doubly hard to get back in.

My advise is to think about what attracted you to your hubby. What are all his good points? Is it enough to cover up for all the bad points? One thing motherhood had taught me is that it makes me want to be a better person. No coarse language. No laziness. No dirty places. Because I want them to see me as a good person, and I want to be respected by them, and I want them to be at least as good as me (and my husband).

I want the children to grow up in a loving environment, supported by loved ones, parents, siblings, etc. And we lead by example everyday. We kiss and hug many times daily, and as parents, too - to show them that this is the kind of relationship that they should aspire to when they grow up.

Abuse, physical or verbal, is something I will not let my children go through. So we will show them that shouting and screaming and being sacarstic is not the way of life. It is not normal. The worst thing to do is for a parent to stay in a broken-down or abusive relationship, and let the children grow up witnessing that, thinking it is okay. The guys I know that strayed often had a straying father!

BTO should not be a key consideration. It should be taken outside of the equation. You can see a social worker to work out on the finances. Probably help you to get a one-room rental flat in the meantime. Or, you can live with a relative. Social services also have the foster scheme. Sometimes, it is to help single parents get back on their feet - not putting the kids up for adoption, but putting the kids in the care of a good family, while you go out and chiong!

Also, realistically, NOW is not a great time for you to make any life-changing decisions. NOW because your hormones are raging and you start "nesting" soon. But do remind yourself, any decision you make after birth might not be that great either, because the hormones goes from 1000 to 0 overnight - it messes up our brains! I know, because I cried at my plumber and toilet bowl when he told me the repair would cost $80. It was such a minor thing! We are easily depressed after the birth of a child, and depending on person, and how life works out, it could take up to 2 years to fully be "normal" again.

I suggest that you speak to a social worker, or a couple of good friends and relatives. You should have people that you can talk to, and people that can check on you on your emotional health. Someone that can tell you when you are not normal. Someone that can help you through bad weather and cheer you on on sunny days.

Good luck! And hey, congratulations!!
 
i totally agree with @frog, try your best to think about his good/ positive personality. He must have something that you like that you were dating him in the first place. Talk to him about how you feel when both of you are in a better mood. When we are angry, we tend to try to hurt the other party as much as we can, so try to calm yourself down first whenever you are going to explode, i know its hard but think about your children. I believe he still cares about this family (and of course you) that's why he didnt wanna get divorce before. Maybe he's not good at words? try to talk to him how you feel, what you want him to help you out, set the expectation is very important too.

Btw, can you guys afford to hire a helper? either part time or full time, sometimes it helps when somebody is able to help out the boring house chores so you cna focus on the more important things in life.

if you can read Chinese, read this blog. http://www.babyou.com/opencms/channel1/Article002149.html?__locale=zh_TW

Lastly, congrats and good luck.
 
Thanks so much for all the mummies' encouragements. Yes I do know our problem lies in communication breakdowns and its something that is solvable but sometimes it just gets so depressing because it happened over and over again. As much as I know that when a light goes out in the house, you change the lightbulb and not the house, it's just tiring to be a one-sided effort in salvaging the relationship.
Nonetheless, I'll try to communicate or 'open' topics in a more tactful way and yes, it will be selfish of me to let my daughters grow up in a broken family and sacrifice their chance of having a complete one. I really hope it's just my hormones which enhance the emotions especially when I'm depressed and things weren't so hopeless.
 
Thanks so much for all the mummies' encouragements. Yes I do know our problem lies in communication breakdowns and its something that is solvable but sometimes it just gets so depressing because it happened over and over again. As much as I know that when a light goes out in the house, you change the lightbulb and not the house, it's just tiring to be a one-sided effort in salvaging the relationship.
Nonetheless, I'll try to communicate or 'open' topics in a more tactful way and yes, it will be selfish of me to let my daughters grow up in a broken family and sacrifice their chance of having a complete one. I really hope it's just my hormones which enhance the emotions especially when I'm depressed and things weren't so hopeless.

The only broken family is a unhappy one. Whether it is single or dual parent, living with you or not with you... it is not so important. A happy home is the most important. Much more so, than living with you or living with 2 parents that quarrel.
 
I left such a person. My son deserves to see what a happy family really is rather than an "only on the surface" family. I don't want him growing up thinking that's how a woman should be treated or that marriage is loveless so I made the decision to leave and hopefully meet someone who can give us a happy and loving complete family rather than staying in a joke.

Ultimately the decision is yours to make. Many will say work harder on your marriage and all but for a marriage to work, it takes two to clap. I tried to save mine but the mistake was I was the only hand clapping. All the counsellors I visited on my own told me to give it up and leave when they never advise anyone such before but yet I tried to make it work still. It was a complete waste of time to have hope and so I made the decision to end it. For my son and for me.

A single parent family with lots of happiness and love is better for a child than an unhappy family especially if both parties are constantly fighting, verbally abusive, etc with each other. When you are in an unhappy relationship, sometimes you tend to take it out on the child or your mood affects the kids and it's not good as kids can feel. They might grow up internally blaming themselves that they are the cause to your happiness or the anger or fights. I'm just sharing my opinion but like I mentioned, ultimately the decision is yours alone to make.
 
Littlesunshines ...see everyone here is very encouraging ...see a counselor ..if finance is an issue ...CC n RC have free family counselors ...private is very ex but ...bear in mind if ..if all else fails ... dun think its end of road ...dun think the kids goes fatherless ...No ... not true ...court is always fair n court always put kids welfare in first prioprity. PM me if u need help.
 
Dear all, it is a privilege to be here and really am impressed that the ladies have so much support compared to guys. Felt i could do with some advice from all active here.

I am married for about 13 years, 3 kids: 10year old girl, 8 year old boy and 4 year old son. In Oct 2015, discovered my wife actually having FB messages with a colleague and the messages are often sexually peppered and suggestive. How I discovered was because my girl was playing with he rmother's old samsung s3 mobile phone at Safra toa payoh when after logging into the wifi, all the old posted messages on FB came on into the phone. I saw the messages, called my wife and confronted her. She rushed down and explained that there is nothing, just casual chitchats etc. I warned her not to do such things and got her assurance on this that she will stop having all this. Infact, she told me that she have called him and inform him that they will stop all this.

then came March 2016 when she was out with the kids at ice skating in jurong. i was home and decided to surf the internet. Login into the house PC and when I launched the internet browser and FB. When FB came on, her account came on. well, curious, I saw in her inbox her message correspondence with him AGAIN. I know I should not be browsing as it is a invasion of her privacy, but I was hoping that there was nothing. As I read the messages (between 1 mar to 16 march 2016), i literally cried and was so broken hearted. Every single message post basically described their getting together, with words of adoration and expression of love to each other and even their description of sexual activities in his car etc. They even described their bosses in a very negative manner and even compared their sexual anatomy. I remembered that night after viewing all this messages, I called her and confronted her over the phone and asked how could she have betrayed me. She rushed back with the kids. I was so distraught that after speaking to my pastors, I drove into JB to find my pastors who were having a church retreat in JB then. I remembered driving past the 2 customs at Singapore and JB crying and having the customs officers thinking I was under duress or danger.

There was an eventual confrontation with the 3rd party who during the confrontation session simply denied everything and even told my in laws that he have never ever had the tots of having sex with their daughter aka my wife. My in laws made him assure everyone that he will make it a point to end this relationship and nothing should happen henceforth.

The days ahead of this was tough for me and my wife. Avoidance and anger and even possible hatred came along the way. Trust and Mistrust became an issue between us. We were seen by our pastors and even secular counselling. Since 2 to 3 years back, we were already in separate rooms. Inititally it was because baby number 3 came and for convenience, she slept on the same mattress as baby to pat baby to sleep. Over time, she stayed and slept in the mattress away from the matrimonial bed and when we shifted into our new house, she moved literally physically to the next room. Sex during these past 3 years was virtually absent.

2 weeks back, my daughter who is currently sharing the same room told me that she has been seeing her mother texting in the night and recently, some how, I came to realise that the person she is texting is the same guy. I called the number and verified that it was him but he did not know I called.

We saw the counsellor recently and she is of the view that we should consider separation as an option.

Deep down, I know I am hurt by all these. But I know I still love her very much. I love her more than she loves me. But because of the children, I held back wanting to separate and divorce. I know the children will be devastated if we head for divorce.

I have been reading up and wanted very much to know whether I should go ahead with separation and whether we should still, or rather I should still take a shot of reconciliation, and whether this is still worth salvaging. I know my past behaviour towards my wife have also hurt her deeply where she stood with me through some issues I faced.

These past days have been tormenting for me (am I am sure it might be the same for her as well). I literally cried at my workstation and have to pretend that I am ok and even telling my colleagues that I have bad sinus and flu. Tot of taking my life as many times felt life is meaningless as well.
 
Sadman

Sorry to hear your plight ... a marriage needs 2 hands to clap ..either way, both of u need to sit down n honesty straighten it out..if she plays denial game, then its obvious that guy isnt ready to take her n her baggage in ..sorry but that was what i was called ..sad..... if..if hor...she agrees..best is list squarely yr itemn do Uncontested otherwise..it will be costly depending on your assets division n kids.

Of course..reconcile if possible and by all means...yet we are all so humanly unforgiving n selfish and there's where it becomes complicated.

Dont waste $$ on Separation... its a piece of worthless paper. On the other hand..if if after u had divorced n reconcile..it is also possible.

God bless.
 
Infernolord ...I fought my own divorce n self repredented n i won ..have you? It's pointless trying all forums to gather information n support .. cos you must have your facts n your proof n be able to know how n when to manipulate ro your advantage .. i have help several ppl..have you?
 
sadman, it seems the last 3 yrs went downhill for your marriage. but we dont know why.

we only know your wife cheated on you by having an affair with another man. we dont know how u hv hurt her deeply with your issues since you didnt elaborate further. did u have an affair outside or gambled away your savings or something... ??

13 years and 3 children. that's many many yrs of love and blessing. both u and wife had a lot invested in this family, i m sure.

Maybe u can see a different marriage counsellor perhaps... and see if the discussion opens other points of views/options or ways to handle your marriage situation.
 
Infernolord ...I fought my own divorce n self repredented n i won ..have you? It's pointless trying all forums to gather information n support .. cos you must have your facts n your proof n be able to know how n when to manipulate ro your advantage .. i have help several ppl..have you?

With all due respect, i know u are an expert advising ladies like yourself to fight legal case to their advantage. i not too sure about what happen to your divorce or how you "help" other people like you. "Manipulate to your advantage"
I am pretty sure you have succeeded.

TS is here to seek comfort and advice from other guys who are in similar situation. Getting supports from outside. We are just as vulnerable. I am not suggesting nor giving any advices. Neither i do i think that you are the right person to give advise.
 
Hi all, bumping this old thread. Just stumbled upon this and would love to know if op could share and follow up what happened? Would be a really great help to know for me. Hope after all it went well for you. Feel free to PM. Thank you
 

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