Why is my husband not affectionate towards me?

G

gooseberry

Member
I'm been married with my husband and we have been together coming to twenty years and we have two children. Events such as an illicit friendship which I'm keeping and my discoveries about his fetish and his porn viewing, highlight that I'm emotionally devoid and crave attention and affection. Fellow mummies, is it normal for me feeling this way? I've for past year, told husband how I felt and told him the affection I have wanted from him. He told me to stop deluding myself snd that I cannot get passion and romance from long-term marriages. I have experienced it with my 'friend' though we aren't committed to each other. I m aggrieved that I can't work w my husband to at least try to get back some sparks bc my husband is unwilling to try. I've come up w reasons of all sorts to explain his behaviour - work stress, in-laws iasue, demands of managing a family w children, his fetish, porn addiction (possibly?)....... Is my husband normal to show such behaviour?

Having tried so hard for past year without much returns, I've become disillusioned, felt rejected n cold. So my behaviour isn't helping the situation. I've, several times, told him we need to see a counsellor or therapist. He merely dismisses my request and say that I'm going through mid-life crisis.

Am I really going through one? I'm 36 and he is 44. Sigh... I even, many times, want to exit my marriage to pursue my own happiness and feel some self-worth and get back my self-identity. Am I too selfish to think like that? Does such action mean that I don't consider for my children's happiness at all?

Perplexed, dejected and despondent :(
 


Hi there, do you generally put in effort to maintain yourself? Do you think you are attractive and what is your level of self confidence?
 
my parents till this date still very romantic... my dad planted a bed of roses for my mum, but it grew into a monster plant and we have to chop it away before it swallow my house.. he calls my mum "mei nu".. they still hold hands outside... they still respect and love each other...

they definitely much older than you and married for 33yrs... looks & time isn't the problem.. is the human who doesn't make the effort to keep the passion up. and if looks will affect the guy or the gal, most likely they never fall in love with who they are inside
 
i agree with pixie. but there are many different kinds situation one got to know their partner. A person's character and the circumstance you got to know a person is also a factor. I also agree that looks should not be the key, but it is definately important to most men. Gooseberry, I think you are already taking the initiatve to try and be attractive for your hb. The next thing is what made him change his appreciation for you these few years. It could be the marriage becoming boring due to external factors like kids, dun like to talk, work and no time for each other, attractions in office and etc.... was his chararcter like that when you first got to know him?
 
Daman said:
I also agree that looks should not be the key, but it is definately important to most men.
Click to expand...

i do not agree with this sentence... first impression or dating period, looks definitely matters..we all definitely will buy things that is more presentable.. but after living together for so long and if looks is that important to those men, then i guess these men doesn't really love their partner who they are inside. or the woman is empty inside and only have looks...

but i do agree with Daman that if your attention is also no longer with your husband, but with your "friend"... unless your husband is really stupid, he would feel the change

having to say that, i do not understand what is emotional void because i'm never an emotional person. i do not need constant attention. i'm not romantic and extremely logical. so what work for me, most likely wun work with most women :p
 
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gooseberry said:
I'm been married with my husband and we have been together coming to twenty years and we have two children. Events such as an illicit friendship which I'm keeping and my discoveries about his fetish and his porn viewing, highlight that I'm emotionally devoid and crave attention and affection. Fellow mummies, is it normal for me feeling this way? I've for past year, told husband how I felt and told him the affection I have wanted from him. He told me to stop deluding myself snd that I cannot get passion and romance from long-term marriages. I have experienced it with my 'friend' though we aren't committed to each other. I m aggrieved that I can't work w my husband to at least try to get back some sparks bc my husband is unwilling to try. I've come up w reasons of all sorts to explain his behaviour - work stress, in-laws iasue, demands of managing a family w children, his fetish, porn addiction (possibly?)....... Is my husband normal to show such behaviour?

Perplexed, dejected and despondent :(
Click to expand...
Gov't promised everybody for Swiss working lifestyle.

90pxe8.jpg
 
guess after many years of marriage, boredom do set in n guess up to individuals how they wan to handle. yeah after married for 8 yrs, I can sense my hubby is bored n so do I. yeah sumtimes long for attention from elsewhere
 
i am very sure she is well maintained. otherwise how would she manage an underground relationship.

i think it is generally every women's mistake to equate being in love to being married (direct translation from chinese).

of course everyone of us need to be satisfied some ways in our life
 
U r not the only one... my hb is aso not affectionate to me as well..eben b4 marriage.. sigh but when i found his old photos of him n his ex gf, its totally different. He was and very affectionate to her... i m very jealous..n if i were to tell him he say its past etc etc.. n things i like e.g he hugging me around my waist..i say so many times.. he dun really do n i got to "beg" for it.. but in his photos, every photo taken w her are all his arms ard her.......
 
Peachtree: try the ️cold treatment, it works for me. But the downside is, having hankered after him for affection for his affection for more than a year, I grow tired n disillusioned. Now tt I'm resolute to walk out n live on my own has I see him working to pursue me back. But, my love for him has inexorably lessened.... Sigh
 
Perhaps none of u can understand wat I've gone through. I've put up w being humiliated n abused emotionally for past decade. His controlling ways make me lose myself n my own identity. I woke up only after discovering his fetish n porn habits.
 
I certainly deserve someone better. N even if there's none out there at this moment, I guess living on my own is a chance at rejuvenation n attaining peace.
 
Hey Goose, Just move on, why do we need some lousy unappreciative porn suckers in our lives? They're nothing, but RUBBISH!
 
How old are your kids? I also have a gal, 6yo. The moment i found out he has another woman outside our marriage, that's it!
For the sake of my daughter's future, i took my daughter and walked out.
I dun wan my gal to grow up thinking it's ok to live with a man like that. Dirty old man! No morale, no values, no IQ, no directions, no Ideas.. How to be a father?

Feel free to PM me. [email protected]. If you need a listening ear.
 
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Hi Goose, I was a sales rep before I got married. Then totally stopped working when I was 6mth pregnant, I fully hands on taking care my daughter
till she was round 2.5yo, I started to do part-time admin between the hours when she's in school, (couldn't work full time as she frequently fell sick)..
Until I changed her to another CC, where she seemed to be much happier, and gradually she somehow became stronger (Big thanks to the caring & dedicated
teachers and a great Cook Auntie Sally - she's out of the extraordinary, she always make sure her food are nutritious and delicious, the kids always ask for 2nd serving).
And so happened, somehow I think God answered my prayers, I was offered a full time job, from 9am to 6pm Mon to Fri, with a pretty good salary..
I worked there 1.5yrs, But then I quit a month ago, due to my problems.. Frankly speaking, i was mentally, emotionally and physically drained out, and
as of this moment, I'm taking a good break and slowly looking for job.

What about you? Are you working or Sahm? Are you financially independent?
Reading your post, your England very deep, haha! oh I mean to say you seemed pretty well / highly educated.
 
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peachtee said:
U r not the only one... my hb is aso not affectionate to me as well..eben b4 marriage.. sigh but when i found his old photos of him n his ex gf, its totally different. He was and very affectionate to her... i m very jealous..n if i were to tell him he say its past etc etc.. n things i like e.g he hugging me around my waist..i say so many times.. he dun really do n i got to "beg" for it.. but in his photos, every photo taken w her are all his arms ard her.......
Click to expand...

like that looks like wallowing in self pity, if u dont mind me saying.
 
angie2288 said:
Hey Goose, Just move on, why do we need some lousy unappreciative porn suckers in our lives? They're nothing, but RUBBISH!
Click to expand...
You said it right! Why do we need unappreciative porn suckers in our lives! All they need is their porn and over inflated egos! We are better off with someone who chooses us over porn!
 
the problem is regardless how "unfair" women may feel in their marriage, how many have the courage to end it? *shrug*
instead alot of women did what men did - escape reality e.g cheating

you can rant and complain all you want, but end of the day what do you really want?
 
gooseberry said:
Cindize: wat if there's no good candidate out there? All men end up the same after x number of years. Sigh...
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All men end up same might be true, maybe more so most men but I sure as hell don't want to end up with one with a chronic addiction to porn. It makes my decision a 60% easier.
 
All relationship needs both parties to make it work.. if either party do not make that effort, the relationship will fail. Personally i do not think most men will fail in relationships and i do find more women are prone to cheating as they are more attention seeking and emotional needing

My grandpa died few yrs ago, my grandma still cry when she thinks of him. My parents are still very much in love for more than 30yrs..same goes as my uncles and aunties

Life is not a bed of roses. There must be sacrifices before happiness. If another person can't give then you got 2 hands to grab happiness for yourself. If you ownself dun even have the courage to find your happiness, then you can only blame yourself. And cheating doesn't help much right?
 
I got a friend, actually my previous singing teacher, she got married to a guy 16 years younger than her. The reason she gave is: one of them will pass on first; and leave the other one, so do not be so selfish to marry an older man.
 
gooseberry
then thats the problem ! older men behave this way!
hard to change le.

i dont think i am being selfish by marrying older man leh.
 
2 older men doesnt mean justify all older man behave the same way...
my grandpa is more then a decade older than my grandma, my dad is almost a decade order than my mum... but both is perfect husband & father
 
It's always about the kids that keeps us mums from walking away to our personal happiness, even if it's right in front of our eyes. Perhaps when the kids are grown up, will we have the courage. But by then, we might have become jaded already (and probably too old to seek a second chance).

Someone told me to redefine the meaning of happiness in my life. Makes it easier to live each day.
 
Emma: Even though hubby n I r having this Cold War, I'm still reading articles n ascertaining if he is normal, or merely not into me. Due to his circumstance of having difficulty falling asleep, he cannot accede to my requests of cuddling me for awhile during bed time. It saddens me greatly every night seeing tt both of us sleep hugging each other's pillow. Increasingly, disappointment n resentment set in. Is his behaviour normal?
 
emmaconfused said:
It's always about the kids that keeps us mums from walking away to our personal happiness, even if it's right in front of our eyes. Perhaps when the kids are grown up, will we have the courage. But by then, we might have become jaded already (and probably too old to seek a second chance).

Someone told me to redefine the meaning of happiness in my life. Makes it easier to live each day.
Click to expand...
i dun think is the kids who stop the mums.. is the mums who are either scare to step out of comfort zone or dun have the independence to survive without her spouse... so far the ones i'm encounter, i feel that they are just using the kids as an excuse...

i do have friends who divorce even they have kids, but they do it because they realize no matter how much they rant, complaints, endure, is just a shit pit. they are confident that without their dads in their lives, they would be much happier.
 
Hi

I would say at 36, you are still young and I am sure you are attractive. You can most likely doll yourself up much more - not so much for the men but more for yourself. With confidence, you will feel much better about yourself and you will be happier. You first must be happy in order to stay happy for yourself, your kids and then your husband, Only by being happy and having self confidence will you be able to radiate within and as well as on the exterior.

I am not sure what kind of passion you aim or hope to have. If you are looking for the kind of passion like when you were both dating or married for the 1st to 5th year, then I as a women will think its rather hard. Because living a life itself is stressful, having children and with all responsibilities and commitments make the stressfulness go full-blown. Every relationship have its stages, maybe you both reached the steady stage where he thinks it is steady till it is to a comfortable level and he is lazy to make it better and he just wants it status quo. Like the 'Lao Fu Lao Qi' in Chinese translation phrase.

If your husband already lost his interest, you can try to salvage whatever you can, I don't think they will be oblivious to what you do, it's a matter of whether it gets to them and wakes them up. You can try to be especially sweet and attentive to him, he should feel it. If you still want to have him as your husband then you might want to change your existing dressing to something which he likes? Ultimately if all else fails, you know you have done your best. But when you change, you change yourself for the better for yourself too, not solely for men.

As for your kids, I would feel it's better you try to work things out. Ultimately, we women can be headstrong and think we can be self independent in taking care of kids, financial, etc etc but a Father and a Mother ultimately make a family, A mother ultimately cannot give what a father is able to give and a father cannot do what the mother can do. It will be quite stressful for women to be divorced although it is super common now. I cannot guarantee how many women does not regret making the divorce decision few years down the road when she feels she could have just tried a little bit more effort in salvaging marriage and enduring just a little bit more.

To say divorce is easy, to go through is not as easy.

But if your husband is those drunkard, wife-beater, gambler, likes to mix and hang with girls etc...it is a different story altogether as these kind of men make you and your kids life miserable. You have to decide the best for yourself and your kids.
 
Golden piggy: I'm not looking for passionately steamy intimacy wh I know it's not possible for a long term r/s. I desire for a certain amount of natural intimacy. Let me give an example. Recently, hubby suggested we watch a movie at home after kids sleep. He first sat at one end of the long couch, then afterwards I join him n sat in the middle. We watched the show like tt for a good 2 hours n afterwards he left w a cordial good nite n slept on his side of his bed, hugging his pillow to sleep as usual.

Background info: I've bn hankering aft affection from him coming two years aft discovery of his fetish n porn habits.

Tt night, I ended feeling miserable n disappointed, once again. I know, many of u will say, why shouldn't I take the initiative to cuddle up to him. I dun wanna do tt, bc I wish to see how he will respond naturally to an opportunity for cosying up without me initiating or requesting. It seems tt he v much prefers couple time like this without the physical closeness. Sigh..., this is only one such instance of many many instances.
 
gooseberry said:
Golden piggy: I'm not looking for passionately steamy intimacy wh I know it's not possible for a long term r/s. I desire for a certain amount of natural intimacy. Let me give an example. Recently, hubby suggested we watch a movie at home after kids sleep. He first sat at one end of the long couch, then afterwards I join him n sat in the middle. We watched the show like tt for a good 2 hours n afterwards he left w a cordial good nite n slept on his side of his bed, hugging his pillow to sleep as usual.

Background info: I've bn hankering aft affection from him coming two years aft discovery of his fetish n porn habits.

Tt night, I ended feeling miserable n disappointed, once again. I know, many of u will say, why shouldn't I take the initiative to cuddle up to him. I dun wanna do tt, bc I wish to see how he will respond naturally to an opportunity for cosying up without me initiating or requesting. It seems tt he v much prefers couple time like this without the physical closeness. Sigh..., this is only one such instance of many many instances.
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Can't blame you gooseberry. Each of you have different definition to happiness as a couple. He might just be comfortable the way he is, perhaps he is tired after a hard day's work and all he enjoys is the peace and serenity. While for you, you might prefer cuddles and intimacy and such, especially you are home most of the day. It gets lonely for SAHM - little adult conversations, little chance to have deserved attention, etc.
 
i have a friend who met a guy. feels great to be with him. and great sex she says. best she ever had. but she feels a little pity because he does not want commitment.

he tells her frankly that he is mr popular. my friend says his claim is true. he is always surrounded by many people. girls always wink at him.

so in her scenario...her preferred one is unavailable. probably the ones left in the market is what we are left with.

there was a saying, "look at your father, look at your brother. that's what u have in the market." i find this saying quite true. my father is a serial gambler but he loves us all the same.
 
Passion and intimacy can still exist within a marriage. I have a friend from China and her parents are always so loving towards each other. They hold hands and go everywhere together. When the mom flies over from China the dad accompanies her and flies back the following day. And mind you they are in their late 50s or 60s already. When they went cycling they used those couple bikes! Lky and his wife were loving towards the end of their lives too.
I suppose some men over time will become more lazy and refuse to put in the effort to even be affectionate toward their wives. It happens to my parents too. 1 sleep in the living room the other sleeps in the bedroom. They are like housemates more than a married couple. And my dad goes out without telling my mom. My mom gets hospitalised and doesn't tell my father. Unfortunately when intimacy is gone couples tend to drift apart. Both parties have a duty in maintaining the marriage. It shouldn't change becos of the arrival of kids or grandchildren. I guess you just have to figure out a way to communicate your needs to your husband. Who knows maybe the porn attraction is due to his dwindling ability to have frequent sex (cos of age). After 40 some men tend to have lower sex drives.
Many men frankly speaking don't believe in marriage counselling. It is their ego at work. They think that it is shameful to disclose personal matters to a complete stranger and that it hurts their selfesteem. And for counselling to work both parties have to commit to it. What about you seek counseling first and then see if it is possible to introduce him to accompany you on one of the visits. Counselling sessions are confidential btw. You can approach the nearest family service centre in your neighbourhood and ask for a counsellor.
 
Hi gooseberry, so sorry to hear ur hb like that.. like my past except only my hb had numerous women outside instead of bra fetish.sigh ...and I realised guys can sleep through after a storm touch down while we women are still fuming away..anyway, you have a tough decision ahead n whatever, just be strong n you are not the only one so be brave for you kids n yourself... Pm me if you ever need a shoulder or help, I went thru and it's not nice gal. .. God bless
 
hi gooseberry.. if you don't mind my two cents worth?
perhaps.... if the porn fetish isn't too much, perhaps you can try role plays with him like what's in the porn he likes?
frankly.. i think all men watch porn. if the fetish isn't too overboard or unnatural, then maybe it's actually not so unhealthy (or rather, it's normal)?
he might be pleasantly surprised that you are able to embrace it.
 
Keli, I hv tried to incorporate his stash in the intimate sessions and talked to him abt my wish of getting included in his fantasy. None of this worked. I can sense tt he's not into me bc as humiliating as it sounds, he has his eyes riveted on the porn while using me. He says he can provide for me n kids but choose tb estranged frm both sides of extended families. Sigh... alr I feel like a single mum lugging kids to my parents' place or my family side of occasions on my own. If I were to stay in this marriage, it is purely for my kids having a dad they can interact w daily n financial security. But can I live w tt or is tt all tt is in live. Living in a life of pretence n unhappiness.... Sigh I'm inclined to separate frm him n raise kids on my own
 
Today online... joshua Robinson confessed to be an online predator with a FETISH for girls in school uniform .... found guilty of having sex with 2 girls age 15 and 5,902 obscene films in possession of which 321 filma contained child porno
 


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