Domestic Helper's problem

porky_jean

porky_jean

Active Member
anyone have domestic helper together with MIL at home ? I engage a helper when I had my 2nd child. as I need her to help take care of my baby. and I also have a toddler 5T and a MIL at home. problem is both of them (MIL & maid) always quarrel w each other ! causing us a lot of headaches...MIL will accuse maid of "stealing" her toothpaste, taking her spoon to eat etc...v minor issues but become big issues cos both of them like "fighting"...talking loudly and crying etc...v dramatic kind.

now my helper is alrdy w me for 18mths. I find tt she is a very "good life maid"...im her 1st employer in sg. everyday my hb will pack lunch for her and MIL will cook her own porridge/noodles for lunch. MIL dont allow her to cook anything in the kitchen. and she prefer to eat rice for lunch everyday. so hb will pick up my #1 from Kindy then pack lunch for maid and rush back to work again...and this maid she must eat bread with Kaya. she only prefer 1 brand of Kaya (orange colour, I forget the brand name). if we don't buy this brand of Kaya, she will refuse to eat the bread. she only took the soft bread, the top and bottom (bread skin) she don't take and will throw it away. dinner time MIL will cook for us. 3 dishes and 1 soup. so every dinner she will hv rice with soup for dinner. one day, Mil decided not to give soup to her bcos she cooked Ginseng chix soup, she said its "too expensive" to give the soup to the maid...end up my maid refused to have her dinner bcos no soup ! I dunno to be angry with her or not...she had been a great help to take care of my baby since birth till now she is 18mths old. but she is quite forgetful at times, for example, she will throw my baby's stocking into the w/m and spoilt the stocking which is worn once only....she will mix dark coloured jeans/clothes together to wash end up all the white clothes got stained w colours...I said her a few times but still forgetful..

Im really feeling v tired w my maid and MIl issues...but if I sack the maid, my MIl cant handle 2 toddlers at home (5T and 18mths). and I hv to do all the housework aft work which is killing for me too...hope someone can share ur stories or advise what I can do to resolve all these issues
 


hi I don't have a helper but your story sounds very similar to my frens' stories. In the end my frens changed their helpers cos cannot take the drama at home (it's non value added work) and/or the maid abused the good life treatment.
 
hi, thanks for reply. I already changed 3 times helper :( tiring to deal w helper's issue..and we also hv kids to handle plus work
 
Hang in there, really not easy. My fren also changed many times (I lost track)...hope other mummies can offer you more practical advice. Jia you!
 
i decided not to have a helper after having 9 helpers within 4yrs. either you tolerate her or try without a helper or part time helper and sent kids to child care. really it is really hard to find a good smart helper who is not demanding. if she is honest and no bf or hp problem maybe try to keep her. that my suggestion
 
cut out newspaper with horror maid stories to show mil . my frd did that. u see really the trend is not many helpers stay and if possible try to keep them unless they do hv integrity issues n tiring train n trust again
 
bcos we hv a 2nd child and mil cannot cope..thats why we decided to try helper...really headache having a helper. last time heard many frens stories I thot wont be the same fate..but now having my own helper then I know so much issues. we kept her hp everyday..only allow to use when kids slp and return aft she hang up. she got no off day and we seldom bring her out, so i guess wont hv any bf...she is not v honest, will lie..but not major lies so we didn't confront her so far

toycollector, my mil is aware of those horrible news like maid murder old hag etc...but she is a "not scare die" old hag...she got her own way of doing things and wan my maid to follow her ways. like which cloth to clean which area, all cloth must be seperated cannot use the same cloth to clean all stuff etc. all these years she set the rules.. but maid are not so smart ppl, they tends to forget and try to be lazy if no one watching. this maid is quite attitude also, if mil don't watch her, she will do funny things behind...I still trust my mil cos i know she wont hurt her grandchildren..she cook for them, so I can go to work in peace. changing another maid is tiring and same thing will happen again and she need to get along w mil is another issue
 
hi, have u tried speaking to agency? Ask them to speak to your helper?

I feel that your helper "quite gd life" leh, will choose which brand of kaya to spread, don't even want to eat the bread skin etc, a little picky. she has to stop comparing her lifestyle with the 1st employer & current one. Having food on the table is already very gd. (I've a friend who only let the helper eat plain bread and only eat the skin ah! (opps!)).
as for her rice preference, maybe is becos to them, rice is more filling, some can eat rice for 3 meals..(how abt you get her a small food steamer, and she can learn to cook her rice and some simple dishes) - then your hubby don't need to rush here and there..

I think it is gd that your mil have her own style, like separate which cloth to clean which area etc...she has gd hygiene habits :)
at least you are assured that she wouldn't anyhow grab any handkerchief to clean the kids' hands or faces etc (mine last time anyhow grab cloth (not handkerchief) to clean my child's mouth!)
as a helper, she has to get used to individual households' style as well as eating habits.

if all fail, perhaps you can consider sending the eldest child to fullday childcare? and hopefuly your mil can cope with the younger one?
 
let ur mil interview and choose the next maid.

personally, i always let my helper know that i will always side my mil. so if you create too many probs without a good reason, off u go. i will always communicate with my mil to let her know it's not easy to get a good helper nowadays, and if we can close eyes on small things, just let it go. but when my mil complained to me abt the helper, i will also talk to the helper in front of my mil.
 
gohalison and soontobe, thanks for sharing :) im so glad tt both u agreed to what my mil has been doing ! and yes she always remind my helper not to mix baby's hanky together w other cloth ! she is a clean freak esp towards preparing food and kids stuff. so I can trust her to handle my kids better than the maid...she never allow the maid to help her in preparing food..she always do it alone. but clean kitchen, mop the floor she will ask maid to do. sometimes she will go check on baby's milk bottle, if not wash clean, she will wash it again...she likes to pick on the maid bcos we never hv a maid before we hv our 2nd child. my #1 was in full day infantcare till childcare. but hes always falling sick..she heartache to see the grandson gg to hospital every month. so for #2, we discuss and decided to get a maid...altho I don't like the idea tt mil staying w me...but she is the only person tt can help to look aft the kids while we are working...

gohalison, my mil is always the one eating the bread skin w/o kaya and maid will eat the soft bread w kaya..

soontobe, I ever let my mil to interview and choose the maid. but she took 6mths to ask qns and choose end up she said all not up to standard..omg ! im alrdy coming 7 mths preg tt time and I cant cope w my #1 and hse chores and work...we decided to take this maid since she is fresh and agreed no off day no hp...I guess your mil is not a tough person to get along with :) sometimes my mil will say I side the maid, like toothpaste issue, I think is not something tt is so serious that they need to shout at each other and cry right
 
Porky_jean, yes, my mil is easy to get along. but also the fact that she understands it's difficult to find a "good" helper, and she needs help to take care of my 2 kids. My mil is also a cleaning freak, and she also has this rule on different type of cloth for different cleaning area.

End of the day, I let my mil manage the helper coz she is the one facing her most of the times.

Anyway, I find that you might have over pamper your helper.

1st, I will not let my helper shout at my mil. 1 of the house rules that I have for my helpers (I have 6 helpers these 4 years) is never to quarrel with ah ma. If my mil were to scold her for something which she wasn't in wrong, just keep quiet and speak to me when I'm home. I will resolve it. If she quarrel or is rude to my mil, I will send her home immediately (but note, my mil is not 1 who will scold unnecessarily or resort to physical abuse). Allowing helper to quarrel with mil is the beginning of endless war....esp mil usually like "face" type.

2nd, I will not purposely buy or cook food for my helper. You eat whatever is provided. If you don't like what we are eating, you may cook your own share, but must get our permission on the type of food that she want to cook. If you choose not to eat, I'm okay as long as you will not fall sick. And I make this point very clear to my helpers. I don't let my helper waste food. If it's cooked/bot for you, you have to eat. Otherwise, next time, we will not cook/buy for you. My mil doesn't cook for my helpers except the initial stage when they don't know how to cook. Most of my helpers are too lazy to cook their lunch that they will usually eat left over meals from previous night dinner. But dinner, they learnt to cook and they usually take over the cooking after a few months.

Never let ur helper think that you are at her mercy, especially if you plan to extend her contract after 2 years. I always make it clear to my helpers that I can do without them, no matter how important I think my helper is (sob sob).

Do you really think your mil is someone very difficult to live with? If no, then just think of your mil trying to protect the entire family from any harm, especially with all the horror stories on maid.
 
soontobe, I hv been staying w my mil ever since I ROMed with my hb. until we had our own hse then she moved in w us. frankly speaking, she is not an easy person to live with, she is quite particular on minor things. but I never expect that we will hv a maid and she cant get along w the maid. one day I saw her get physical w maid, using a broom (the wooden stick part) to hit the maid on her head bcos the maid mixed up the broom for the kitchen and the rooms. she was v frustrated that the maid always used the wrong broom. I said my mil that she shouldn't hit the maid. then she is not pleased w me and refused to talk to me for 1 whole week and refused to cook for us. my maid shouted at mil is bcos mil said she stole her toothpaste. I also duno what happen when suddenly one morning mil said her toothpaste is in my maid's room. but maid keep saying she didn't tk ah ma's toothpaste and she cried and talk v loudly to ah ma. I do agreed that my mil is protective of us and the kids. but so many problems happen ever since hv a maid. my mil is alrdy 70+..she is quite sensitive always thot that we treat the maid better than her. my hb assured her that she is the most important person in our house bcos we still need her to take care of our young kids. if the kids are older then we can do without the maid. thanks for sharing your house rules ! I will set these rules for my next maid
 
Hi

My mom also have her share of complaints with my maid. But if I look at it objectively my maid is honest and likes my kids. She is reasonably competent so I will recontract her even if my mom has her objections.

Cos it's not easy to find a maid whom you can trust and is competent... I have had really 'brainless' ones, or defiant ones, or incompetent ones.

But if you find that your maid has attitude problems which cannot be resolved by counseling her and your MIL is most likely able to get along with a new maid then no harm changing the maid. I will usually get the new maid ready before I fire the existing one so that I don't end up without domestic help.
 
I let my mil handle the maid... And if I need to get anything done i will ask my mil is it ok to ask the maid to help me.. And being responsible for the maid my mil in fact becomes better fren with maid than I am with the maid...

As long both gets along well I'm fine with anything... Even the maid din help me with my room cleaning... Cos Sometimes the shelves get a bit dusty...
 
i agree with toto_mommy.
we must know our own mil. if she is the difficult sort then we must know the maid is also having a hard time and we shd be nicer to the maid as long as she is a good maid.
but if our mil is the nice type and maid is the one that is bad, i will change her.

so its also good since mil facing maid more than us, we let her choose bio data or interview the maid coz since she choose one she shd be ok with her.
and i always look for maids track record. if every time change employer i will deduce that she is not a good maid. cannot be all the employers are bad.
and lastly i only go to my agency that my whole family uses. i dare not try those cheap agencies. always give rubbish maids.
 
i also have a maid and staying with in laws too. previous maid left her a bad impression and thus when i hire this new maid in, she told hub she will not 'chap' whatever the maid do. (of cos my relations with her is on bad terms ever since she stayed in)

my maid will do all the household chores, cook lunch for my kids and dinner for us. but my mil will not eat the dinner nor let maid clean her room, wash the clothes etc. she told her son she will do it herself. she will not help us monitor/supervise the maid. she will be out early in the morning and back at night. ever since we had our 1st kid(not staying with her yet), we all along had maids and cams placed in the house. everything is well till she stayed in....:(

but none of her words nor actions surfaced(chinese saying; ownself slap mouth). ever since my maid comes, she has been staying in the house silently monitoring her. hub and i believed that she still cannot put her heart at ease with a new maid in with the kids. but her son always tell her, u want to go out, just go out with your frens, dun restrict /coop yourself in the house...only once a while then go out for a few hours and will be back before 5pm.

oh yes, when shes at home, she will close the door and stay herself in the room. her son also dislike her attitude and can't stand her actions, thus i also dun bother to talk too.

nevertheless, my kids get along well with the maid and i am thankful. I am blessed with 2 kids and hubby. This is my family.
 
To be fair, some maids are very pragmatic.

When employer is not around, they ignore the mom/MIL's instructions cos the old lady is not paymaster. Then, when the old lady complains, the maid will deny the allegations.

So don't totally ignore your mom/MIL's complaints about the maid. I normally will investigate/observe. If it's true, chances are she will make the same mistake again. Then, when I catch maid in the act, I will tell her off immediately so she cannot deny.

But don't waste time catching your maid for small things, or question the maid regarding mom/MIL's complaints---you only waste energy doing it.
 
Dear all mummies out there, is there anyone there who can advise me on the new scheme for indonesian maid? My helper wishes to recontract her work with us for two years.
 
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