Seeking closure at the cross road

atthexroad

New Member
I'm seeking this alternative because I have nowhere to let out and I believe the only way to let it go is to vent it out all and seek closure. I know I have done a wrong thing and am hoping some ppl will scold the sense out of me.

The story is about me and an ex colleague. As we work along, we got attracted to each other. Don't ask me how it happened despite us having a happy marriages of our own. And of course we ended up being intimate.

Fast forward, he eventually got retrenched and joined another company. Thru this ordeal, I supported him in every way to the extend of guiding him as well whenever he goes for interviews.

I've tried several times to break off from him because the relationship doesn't makes sense. How can you love your wife and at the same time tell me that you love me? But he strongly believes that we're more than soulmates and that we shouldn't give up this relationship. However, slowly, I realized that he was distancing away from me, with his new job, his new life, constantly giving excuses that he is busy and that I should be understanding. Suddenly all those words he used to say to me didn't hold any truth anymore. How can someone change so drastically in a such a short period of time?

I became emotional and insecure to the extent of cutting off contact with him, telling myself that this is the best for both of us. But I realized I was the one ending up being emotionally attached to him when he has already moved on.

Just some time ago, he kept contacting me, asking to have a proper chat but I refused, telling myself that this should be the best arrangement for us. Suddenly, his words turned cold on me and in a moment of anger, I said that I hated him and wished that he will get retribution for all the things he had done to me and almost breaking up my marriage. That made him angry and I never heard from him again.

I've been telling myself to move on and what I did was right to cut off ties with him. But as a human, I started to feel guilty of cursing him. It was never my intention and I have never cursed anyone in my life.

As a form of forgiving myself, I constantly find myself wanting to text him to apologize. Of course, not in the hopes of recovering our relationship but to find closure for myself even though he has caused me emotional grief. The question is, should I even bother? What if he doesn't really care?
 


I think he found a new "soulmate" at new work place. Sounds like he is the type who can love a few folks at the same time.
Perhaps he was looking for a FB so he turned to you again.
Anyway who knows? Doesn't really matter because are you willing to give up your current family for him? If the answer is no then why don't you just move on?
unless your spouse can tahan an Open relationship.
 
u should not bother texting him. since u hv a happy marriage why aren't u focusing your attention on ur poor unsuspecting spouse n children?
 
shoppixe, timmerin,

thanks for hearing me out. that's the kind of knock out statement I need to get myself out of this. But we all know that sometimes the human's heart is not as strong as it is. I just wanted to know if I should at least text him and apologize for cursing him. It's more of forgiving myself for saying such things. But I guess I should just leave things as it is.
 
Atthexcroad, yes u shld. I know it isn't easy when u alr hv feelings for someone. But a married man, holds no future n no promises. Bn there, done tt, sigh
 
gooseberry, I never expect any future. In fact I was ready to accept him as a friend. It's like a habitual thing. How can you suddenly just stop talking when we used to talk daily? Like what shoppixe said, maybe he already found another "soulmate" in his new office. In that way, I feel so used because I trusted him. The feeling is just so unbearable.....
 
catinthesky, not exactly a 100% happy marriage. Of course there are efforts put into it. There are ups and downs. That is why during the downs, I got sucummbed to this guy's sweet words. You are right. I am over-analyzing things. And this is the sole reason why I'm venting it out here cause I have no one to turn to. Thanks for your advice.
 
Don't think you should unless you are hoping that you might get somewhere with him. The ending is rather impromptu and I guess it's best to bury this quietly and move on. All the best.
 
catinthesky, thanks. Sometimes it's just easier said than done. And when you're faced with moments of silence, you start to think of the series of events that happened. How, why, when, what if? Many a times I want to seek confrontation to get some answers. If he tell me it was all just fun and he never loved me, then at least it's easier to accept and move on. Now, he just totally went silent, not a single explanation. I feel like there's something open ended and not concluded. Which is why I'm thinking if I should at least some some answers, even if it will not be pleasant to hear.
 
cabbiemum, you spoke what my heart says! The ending was so impromptu which is why it's keeping me in limbo. Is it really best to bury it quietly or seek confrontation even if the answers are going to be nasty?
 
You just want a closure. It should not matter if he will respond to you or not. Life still goes on.
You should be done with this man. He's not worth of your attention anymore. Divert this attention to your family.
 
The best way to cut someone out of yr life is to go cold-turkey. No watsapp, no phone chats, no meet-ups, nothing. For if there is one line of communication, even if it's jus one harmless text, it's human nature to overstep tt boundary u once had w this fren.
 
Everyone, I'm extremely grateful for your inputs, especially one that I'm not being judged being putting myself in this situation. I know I'm out of my mind and conscience pricks me everyday. I just don't understand how he can walk away with no remorse, no guilt, no feelings and here I am, over-analyzing things. I've lost count of the number of times I've cried myself to sleep thinking how gullible I was and putting my marriage at stake. It is so not worth it. I simply could not forgive myself.

I really appreciate this avenue here. It's given me the sanity check with the voices in my head and come to terms with it. I think if I didn't let it out here, the resentment will just grow in me everyday.

catinthesky, you are right. Even if he only cherish the friendship, he should haven't left me hanging here even though I cursed him. Our fate was at that point of time and it has come to an end.

gooseberry, that's what I'm doing now. And as you know, cold turkey always have withdrawal symptoms. I am trying to put all my attention to my family but it's just those silent moments that the memories just creeps up to you.
 
cabbiemum, you spoke what my heart says! The ending was so impromptu which is why it's keeping me in limbo. Is it really best to bury it quietly or seek confrontation even if the answers are going to be nasty?

Hmmm... I will bury it quietly and move on before the truth comes to light. So many people around us will be hurt. Since he had already "call it a day", just let it be and move on.

What happens if his comments turn out to be something sweet? Are u going to continue the relationship? What happens next? Both divorce with spouses and live happily ever after? U probably can do that but him?
 
catinthesky, that's very nice of you to help analyze my issue. And you seem to read what's in my mind. Call me stubborn or strong willed. I prefer to have an answer so I can tell myself to move on.
I think it's just the woman in us that we don't want to live with unanswered questions.

cabbiemum
I don't think there will be any sweet words after all the heated debate. Im very firm with where we stand in this. I just don't know if I want to lower my dignity to ask him to trash things out once and for all and get the answers I need.
 
think back, he can betrayed his marriage, it's simply easier for him to betray you.
He have make used off you and tired of it. There is very high possibility he have gone ahead with another relaionship.
Forget about this scum, look forward
 
catinthesky, thanks for all your kind advises. It has helped me alot to pull thru this week with all those voices in my head. God bless your heart.

bretrayed, that was exactly what was in my head all the time which was why I was fighting with him alot and tried to cut ties with him. I was very persistent to end the relationship but he insisted that we shouldn't have a forced ending. Then when I got angry and cursed him, he suddenly 360 degree change emotion and stopped replying my messages. I rather he admit that all along he has been using me than blame me for all the emotions I had. Who caused it? I know I'm partly to blame but how can this man totally avoid responsibility? It makes me feel so unjustified everytime I think about it and how his poor wife thinks he is a 100% loyal husband when he is not. I know the ultimate victims are our unknowing spouses but how can this guy walk away scott free without even saying sorry?
 
@atthexroad, I am totally in the same situation as you now. I am very frustrated with him and myself. Angry with myself for getting tangled in such situation and mad at him for vanishing just lidat.
I wanted to confront him and seek a closure, bt every1 ard me advises me not to.
Everyday my mind is fighting with my heart, hahaha. I dunno wad to do.
 
Emily, isn't it best tt the guy jus walk away n u take tm to let him go? Easier to harden yr heart. If the guy linger ard u n still try tb nice n sweet, it is difficult to let him go unless u hv absolute resolution to kick him out of yr to life
 
I think you should stop contacting him already. Why the need to apologise when you don't want to have anything to do with him already? Are you sure you want to stop this relationship? Anyway please think of the Wife, how would you feel if your Husband is having an affair outside. Don't you feel guilty at all? Don't you feel sorry for the Wife?
 
chubbybaby2, I haven't decided what to do but after hearing all the comments and getting rid of the voices in my mind, I'm starting to feel that it's better to just leave things as it is. If you read the other comments, I am very firm with my stand, just that I want to seek proper closure. If I don't think of the wife, then why did I try so many times to break ties? I just don't understand how he can do this without even feeling any sense of guilt. Anyway, that's not for me to judge, if he repeats his mistakes with other girls, his wife may find out one day herself.
 
Atthewroad, this one sounds like my story when I was much younger. I am from Malaysia. When I started working in my previous job as a Car sales agent in sg, I had this guy who told me he was separated from his wife. So we entered into a relationship because he was 2 years plus separated. Suddenly turned cold and sudden tell me his wife moved back. Suddenly 6 months later the wife give birth and suddenly he said he still loves me. All of a sudden I also disappeared from his life and never looked back. All Sg guys are so playful. Since you are not happy in your marriage, exit the marriage and quit. Sometimes, it is best alone than to be attached with all these suudenly stories. I 'ke-lian' you for putting in so much emotions. But not to worry, the unhappiness will pass.
 
If you thought of the Wife why start the affair in the first place? Anyway good for you that you have already decided to leave things as it is. Are you thinking of leaving your hubby?
 
Sometimes you questions will never be answered. ..why. Because the answer is plain n simple in front of you but you have selective sight n reasoning. Choice is entirely up to yourself. To seek friends n activities that help you move on or stay in that little dark world and keep asking till one day realize you lost 10yrs doing nothing n now old n wrinkled , lagi depressed. ... choice is up to you, how long do you wish to pity party.
 
atthexcroad, i hope u quickly sort out ur emotional struggles and quickly attend to your children's wellbeing. they are really the innocent ones here. they hv lesser capability than us adults in dealing with the sudden change in their family situation.
happy mum = happy kids.
 

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