Other half has became a stranger?

K

kiche

Member
Hello, i'm a mummy of two and been married to my current husband for 9 years. Over the past few years, I feel more and more distant from him cos we are so busy with parental and work responsibilities. We seldom have time to go on dates cos our parents cannot help look after the kids and even if we have a rare chance to, we don't have much to talk to each other anymore cos he is a very quiet man by nature and our thinkings are seldom the same. This year, i found out that he has been messaging random female strangers and even engaged the services of a China female masseur for extra services. Though we survived that and i have given him a 2nd chance, I do not know if I can put up with a marriage which has no companionship and is just responsibilities all the way.

Is any mummy in the same shoes as me and no longer feel to their other half? Care to share your stories?
 


I am in a similar situation. Buy I'm the husband role and I have one kid. My and my wife don't engage in sex cos she doesn't want to participate.

You both have to go on dates and try to rekindle the love. If your sex life is gd. He won't stray.
 
Hi kiche, i'm also a mummy of 2 and married 7 years now. i dont feel my hub is a stranger yet but i feel the day will come. he is also very quiet kind of guy and after we reach home and settled the kids, he will start to use his hp. and he can use it till late and so end up sleeping late and wake up late the next morning. i say i feel we will eventually be strangers because he wont take the initiative to share about anything with me. if i ask, he will answer. if i dont talk to him, he also wont bother. so just a matter of time when we are no longer communicating. its so sad right. last time when you and your hub were dating, how was it?
 
definitely have. im the one who always talks and talks. to a point i keep quiet suddenly for a few days and see if he realises, but he didnt. i suggest we just put aside a day each week to sit down for some quality chat, he agree but somehow it didnt happen. it has been my one sided communication and now im just tired. waiting for him to do his part, otherwise what is marriage without communication?
 
Its easy to talk abt communication, but in reality.. It takes a lot more effort.
My own experience is that Sg women tend to be naggy, frustrated, negative and judgemental.

To really bond with others, drop all these negative traits and just appreciate life. It will take time to change but u will eventually realise your goal
 
lalang_cactus said:
thanks for the suggestions but im wondering if you ladies are in the same situation?
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I have been married for 16 years. My husband and I whatsapp each other throughout the day while we are at work, and enjoy chatting with each other when we are at home. We still hold hands and hug each other when we go out together. There was a period of time when we neglected each other after the kid came along, but after a few years we realized that we had to rekindle our relationship by spending more time together. We learned to let go, and to go on dates together without the kid. It really made a huge difference! Both parties should not take each other for granted. It is really important to communicate, and both have to put in effort for the marriage to be a happy and lasting one. :)
 
My husband is not a chatty person by any means. He's the type where u ask one question, he answers it without adding on anything. That's the 1st problem.

Second problem is we are just so busy in the evenings settling housework and kids that we dont hv time to even sit down (no maid).

Third problem is that he demands his own me-time on weekend nights to just rot in front of his comp games.

I've tried but all the above reasons are just not helping at all. Sigh....how to draw the line between giving him his personal time (which i completely understand) and yet getting some time for us as a couple?
 
kiche said:
I've tried but all the above reasons are just not helping at all. Sigh....how to draw the line between giving him his personal time (which i completely understand) and yet getting some time for us as a couple?
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Hi, as a guy and husband, could I suggest you try being a little less shy and try the initimacy route? Most guys find it hard to resist that. Make it a nice popcorn movie night and promise him a nice dessert at the end etc. Spice things up a bit?
 
Me and my hub also same suitation. We have 2 kids. Recently I found out he have a relationship with a Thai gal. From the whatapps I found out, the gal is nt keen in him and ignore him. But it was like 6mth ago msg I saw him asking some xxx forum asking ppl for advise. His forumer ask him to let Tha Thai gal go as she nt keen in him....
I was like in the dark for so long and only recently then I know. True that our sex life is nt getting better ever since my no. 2 came along. Maybe he WA sex but can't get it from me and went to look for other gal. It so heart breaking to know this.
For the kids I can't divorce him. If i confront him will my family break down.
What should I do.
 
doveymum said:
My marriage has also been on the rocks for last 5 years... Yes, for those happily married it is always easy to give advice to work on the help and improve Comm. But in actual fact, it is v v tough.. cos if the other party refuse to change or improve ... Things can never work. I m hanging on , we still stay in same house but are like tenants. .. only. No Comm except things related to my child. Even then, 90% of the time end up quarrel.. I m really tired but yet I m not confident to raise my son up all by myself... So still hanging on..... For the sake of my child of 6 yrs old.
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I am sorry to hear that. I know what you mean. It is indeed much easier to comment and post advice than to actually face the problem.

If you're hubby has not been unfaithful, I feel that there is a chance you can work things out. Since trust is the no.1 thing that cannot be broken or the relationship suffers greater damage. You did not elaborate on what problems you had. If the child is the light of your relationship, perhaps you can try to use that and make the light brighter? I'm sure both of you have one thing in common - the happiness and welfare of your child. So do more things together with your child and try to rebuild your relationship with each other? I know it's not easy but its a start!
 
soulcloudy said:
True, those happily married people will not understand ....
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There may be some who have truly been blessed with a marriage that has always been sweet and happy for more than 10 years. But I think in most cases, many couples have had to cope with their own problems at some point. And many probably are still working on issues!
 
So why r there happily married couple? I'm sure they have problems too. I always believe that in order to bear nice fruits, we have to work hard together. I'm sure your hubby or your wifey would like things to work out if not why would they marry you in the first place?
It doesn't matter who takes the initiative to talk first. It's also very common for hubby to be on their hp or PC for the super longest time for game, but I'm sure there are other things that interest them as well..
can you recall when was the last time you did something sweet to him or her? Juz like when you all are dating?
 
Actually sadly..I cannot recall any sweetness , love or care that was showered on me....for last few yrs , he is like tenant in the house... Physically present but no emotional or physical ties... We don't hug or touch each other for few years... Talk only when it's related to my child.... Most time talk lead to quarrel.. I hv not caught him affair but man cannot trust ... Even tho he comes home regular hrs after work. For 10 years , he probably shower bd gift when dating.. after marr, ntg, he never buy anything that I like, no celeb on occasion. Only bd I made it a po8nt to celeb cos its impt to me yet he never bother to buy cake or Book table for a meal. He don't even pay for my bd meals.... Just eat cake n dinner free. This 2 years I really cannot tahan and made big fuss but he never chg....I will end up v upset and cry on y bd after fighting... I m not even worth a small effort ... Wat is this matter for... I just hang on for my child.... I guess hv to.accept my fate and live a failed marriage...
 
soulcloudy said:
Actually sadly..I cannot recall any sweetness , love or care that was showered on me....for last few yrs , he is like tenant in the house... Physically present but no emotional or physical ties... We don't hug or touch each other for few years... Talk only when it's related to my child.... Most time talk lead to quarrel.. I hv not caught him affair but man cannot trust ... Even tho he comes home regular hrs after work. For 10 years , he probably shower bd gift when dating.. after marr, ntg, he never buy anything that I like, no celeb on occasion. Only bd I made it a po8nt to celeb cos its impt to me yet he never bother to buy cake or Book table for a meal. He don't even pay for my bd meals.... Just eat cake n dinner free. This 2 years I really cannot tahan and made big fuss but he never chg....I will end up v upset and cry on y bd after fighting... I m not even worth a small effort ... Wat is this matter for... I just hang on for my child.... I guess hv to.accept my fate and live a failed marriage...
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Hugs soulcloudy.. or must be hard on you. Did you celebrate his bdae then? Do u have a chance to go out with him alone?
 
If there is any love or if a husband is sincere to make a marr work.. I think it is not difficult to put in that effort after all it is only once a year... If someone does not even bother on things that matters .... How else to work on rlp. Communication ? No Comm, ever day after work he do his iPhone, iPad..m I surf my internet ... We are at each end of the bed but never cross the mid point ... The greatest regret in life is .... The feeling of so near yet so far... I thot I got used to it but still each disappointment put me in despair, reminded me of the failed marr... I try to treat him.as stranger.. try to be immune ... But still anger, resentment, burning inside me... Actually there is ntg I desire or attract me abt him ... Anymore, only resentment.... But I feel sorry for y child... So hang on.. as long as I can
 
Ya, I made it a point to celeb everyone bd at home, y mum, y son, his and mine bd. I still buy him a cake cos my son likes to sing bd song and blow candles...


Verluv, thanks for reading my thread and for being so caring.... I really appreciate it.... From.bottom of my heart.... I dun Noe am I expecting too much... Just a bd celeb even not a wife... A fren, we will also celeb right? He is just totally no chap type. In the house I m 5he driver, I drive everything from house hold to my son study... If I dun drive, ntg will happ.... I m tired ... And resentment just built up along the years... Yes sometimes after some drama, he will improve a few days... After a few days back to same pattern...I dare not pray for love, I just pray for peace....
 
soulcloudy said:
Ya, I made it a point to celeb everyone bd at home, y mum, y son, his and mine bd. I still buy him a cake cos my son likes to sing bd song and blow candles...


Verluv, thanks for reading my thread and for being so caring.... I really appreciate it.... From.bottom of my heart.... I dun Noe am I expecting too much... Just a bd celeb even not a wife... A fren, we will also celeb right? He is just totally no chap type. In the house I m 5he driver, I drive everything from house hold to my son study... If I dun drive, ntg will happ.... I m tired ... And resentment just built up along the years... Yes sometimes after some drama, he will improve a few days... After a few days back to same pattern...I dare not pray for love, I just pray for peace....
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Hugs to u soulcloudy...I know the resentment u are feeling. The feeling that u are the only one making things happening and the kids and hubby are just receiving what u have done. The feeling that if if u disappear one day, the house and family will fall to pieces. It's happening with me too.
 
Gosh... Spot on, exactly wat I want to say... I m so touch to tears that someone can understand the core of my heart... Thanks ... I guess I hv made the right move to join this forum.today.... Thank God .. it's my life line...
 
soulcloudy said:
Gosh... Spot on, exactly wat I want to say... I m so touch to tears that someone can understand the core of my heart... Thanks ... I guess I hv made the right move to join this forum.today.... Thank God .. it's my life line...
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We are all here to support each other and share our stories. This is a good platform to bare our hearts on what we cant share with friends and family. *wave hello*
 
Yes, a marr without love and without compsnionship... Just physical presence... Just on paper husband and wife. I m not feeling deprive of intimacy cos I don't long for it..from him... Lucky also he dun ask or initiate cos I will feel even more yucky... Cannot do it. Maybe I m the type of woman that must hv the feeling of love before I can be physical.
 
soulcloudy said:
Gosh... Spot on, exactly wat I want to say... I m so touch to tears that someone can understand the core of my heart... Thanks ... I guess I hv made the right move to join this forum.today.... Thank God .. it's my life line...
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On behalf of the moderator, I welcome you to Singaporemotherhood! :p
 
The thing is this type of resentments v bad for family cos unknowingly we may vent it out on our kids... I m guilty for that.... I feel so bad... So lousy .... When it happens. Also stms he also vent anger on the kid. I only hv one boy, 6 yrs old only and u m past 40s....
 
I think most, if not all women need to feel the emotional love when getting intimate. Otherwise it will just be a f**k and not making love.

It's just rather sad that women are often the ones who feel emotional distance but their other halves think there is nothing wrong at all and say the women think too much then brush it off.
 
Guess we just hv to be positive and think of worst people around, some want kana abuse by husband even worst than us... So we think of other worse cases ..m help us be contented. Maybe also , we just hv to accept it as part of our life.... And dun expect a miracle to happen.... So we won't be disappointed ...
 
Just treat it as a feeling that come and go... It will pass.... When say pour it out here... For a shoulder to cry on... Then get back on our feet at daybreak...
 
kiche said:
Dr Tooth, it will be a rather depressing party when we are feeling so empty inside leh..
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Don't worry about emptiness. The party must be filled with many many many different varieties of food, wine, box of tissue papers (for those who want to cry), balloons, etc..

Ahead of the party be a seaside. It calms people down. All dress up as if going for showbiz. No Victoria Secret left behind. :D
 
Thks for reminder verluv， yup my gf also told me woman who feeling empty can easily get into affair.. esp if meet a man that is v sweet...haha but I m past 40s less chsnce of such cherry blossom luck..with children is just v difficult... To find another love.....pple see us as mummy...
 
Feeling better after pouring out... Looking at my son sleeping beside... Yup, he is all I m living for....for our kids, we must be strong!!!!!!!!
 
soulcloudy said:
If there is any love or if a husband is sincere to make a marr work.. I think it is not difficult to put in that effort after all it is only once a year... If someone does not even bother on things that matters .... How else to work on rlp. Communication ? No Comm, ever day after work he do his iPhone, iPad..m I surf my internet ... We are at each end of the bed but never cross the mid point ... The greatest regret in life is .... The feeling of so near yet so far... I thot I got used to it but still each disappointment put me in despair, reminded me of the failed marr... I try to treat him.as stranger.. try to be immune ... But still anger, resentment, burning inside me... Actually there is ntg I desire or attract me abt him ... Anymore, only resentment.... But I feel sorry for y child... So hang on.. as long as I can
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I'm so sad when I read this. How is it that people can get married then things end up this way? :(
 
soulcloudy said:
Ya.. . Wld love to go to this party... To find back our soul..
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I have personally witnessed many husbands destroying their wifes and families. I have also witnessed the same from the opposite gender. And I put in many hours trying to understand why all these are happenings.

Everyone deserves to enjoy parties regardless of gender, status, personal background, etc... And for this thread, no woman or man deserved to be destroyed. Keep going, up the grooming, up the sexiness, up the confidence, etc... :)
 
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Kiche, tks for lending yr ears and hugs too... Ustd, I feel you.... Deep down.... Really the man is just not interested, it's not their priority to salvage the marriage... Everything else is more impt than our feelings... And we tried, we waited, we tried... After some time.... Our heart just turn cold... Freeze .. gap just cannot close anymore ...
 
Adh dad... Guess deep down in every woman there is a longing for to be loved and pampered .. even if we try not to think it matters so much to us... But the fact is, it does... And it is all the small things like this that builds or destroy a marr ...
 
As a mummy.. esp we just devote our entire self, entered free time to our kids..n giving love ... So actually we've v deprived of love.... Haha.... And that's where resentment build up when love is lacking....
 

soulcloudy said:
As a mummy.. esp we just devote our entire self, entered free time to our kids..n giving love ... So actually we've v deprived of love.... Haha.... And that's where resentment build up when love is lacking....
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Deprived of love damages 50% in a relationship. Deprived of love leading to great sex damages 100% in a relationship. :)
 
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